Good Morning Campers,
Today is the 17th of December … or it should be if you are reading this on the day that the issue is coming out. That means that Christmas is one day and one week away. Christmas eve is one week from today. The night that Santa is making his nightly flight to visit all the good girls and boys. It’s only the good ones who get visited, the naughty ones get passed by…which means that this dragon, like every other year, doesn’t stand a bloody chance of getting the jolly old elf to stop by at all!
All I can say is that it’s a good thing that him and I are good friends or I would be in serious trouble. See, I am not allowed to get anything from him on Christmas, because I fall solidly on the Naughty List every year. Most of us military types do. Sadly it’s a penalty of the job.
But Impish, you say. You’re not in the military any longer.
I know, but even worse, I still work for them as a CIVILIAN. That’s actually worse.
AND I’m a conservative.
And a religious conservative at that. I’m on so many naughty lists, I’ll never get another Christmas present from Santa for as long as I live.
But, that’s okay. Cause, see I’m friends with the Jolly Old Elf. And since my birthday is Christmas Eve, and he’s a friend, he’s allowed to give me birthday presents, irrespective of the Naughty List, he just stops by my place before he starts his rounds on Christmas Eve, we drink some nice Irish, smoke a couple of cigars, catch up on old times, he drops my “Birthday Presents” off and then starts his yearly run.
I’ve even been known to pull the sleigh for him a time or two. That might even be an artist’s rendition of me in the header up top there.
So, it all works out.
And, I hope it all works out for you guys as well. In the meantime …
A boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him.
“Hmmmm,” he ponders, “How am I gonna get more dough?” Then he gets an idea.
He calls his father. “Dad,” he says, “you won’t believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!”
“That’s absolutely amazing!” his father says. “How do I get him in that program?”
“Just send him down here with $1000,” the boy says, “I’ll get him into the course.”
So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.
“So how’s Fido doing, son?” his father asks.
“Awesome, dad, he’s talking up a storm,” he says, “but you just won’t believe this – they’ve had such good results with this program, that they’ve implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!”
“READ!?” says his father, “No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?”
“Just send $2,500, I’ll get him in the class.”
…And his father sends the money.
At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem. When he gets home, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he gets home, his father is all excited. “Where’s Fido? I just can’t wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!”
“Dad,” the boy says, “I have some grim news. This morning, when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, ‘So, is your daddy still messin’ around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?'”
The father says, “Oh, shit; I hope you SHOT that lyin’ son of a bitch!”
“I sure did, Dad!”
“That’s my boy!”
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS,HE LIVED ALL ALONE,IN A ONE BEDROOM HOUSE MADE OF PLASTER AND STONE.I HAD COME DOWN THE CHIMNEYWITH PRESENTS TO GIVE,AND TO SEE JUST WHOIN THIS HOME DID LIVE.I LOOKED ALL ABOUT,A STRANGE SIGHT I DID SEE,NO TINSEL, NO PRESENTS,NOT EVEN A TREE.NO STOCKING BY MANTLE,JUST BOOTS FILLED WITH SAND,ON THE WALL HUNG PICTURESOF FAR DISTANT LANDS.WITH MEDALS AND BADGES,AWARDS OF ALL KINDS,A SOBER THOUGHTCAME THROUGH MY MIND.FOR THIS HOUSE WAS DIFFERENT,IT WAS DARK AND DREARY,I FOUND THE HOME OF A SOLDIER,ONCE I COULD SEE CLEARLY.THE SOLDIER LAY SLEEPING,SILENT, ALONE,CURLED UP ON THE FLOORIN THIS ONE BEDROOM HOME.THE FACE WAS SO GENTLE,THE ROOM IN SUCH DISORDER,NOT HOW I PICTUREDA UNITED STATES SOLDIER.WAS THIS THE HEROOF WHOM I’D JUST READ?CURLED UP ON A PONCHO,THE FLOOR FOR A BED?I REALIZED THE FAMILIESTHAT I SAW THIS NIGHT,OWED THEIR LIVES TO THESE SOLDIERSWHO WERE WILLING TO FIGHT.SOON ROUND THE WORLD,THE CHILDREN WOULD PLAY,AND GROWNUPS WOULD CELEBRATEA BRIGHT CHRISTMAS DAY.THEY ALL ENJOYED FREEDOMEACH MONTH OF THE YEAR,BECAUSE OF THE SOLDIERS,LIKE THE ONE LYING HERE.I COULDN’T HELP WONDERHOW MANY LAY ALONE,ON A COLD CHRISTMAS EVEIN A LAND FAR FROM HOME.THE VERY THOUGHTBROUGHT A TEAR TO MY EYE,I DROPPED TO MY KNEESAND STARTED TO CRY.THE SOLDIER AWAKENEDAND I HEARD A ROUGH VOICE,“SANTA DON’T CRY,THIS LIFE IS MY CHOICE;I FIGHT FOR FREEDOM,I DON’T ASK FOR MORE,MY LIFE IS MY GOD,MY COUNTRY, MY CORPS.”THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVERAND DRIFTED TO SLEEP,I COULDN’T CONTROL IT,I CONTINUED TO WEEP.I KEPT WATCH FOR HOURS,SO SILENT AND STILLAND WE BOTH SHIVEREDFROM THE COLD NIGHT’S CHILL.I DIDN’T WANT TO LEAVEON THAT COLD, DARK, NIGHT,THIS GUARDIAN OF HONORSO WILLING TO FIGHT.THEN THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER,WITH A VOICE SOFT AND PURE,WHISPERED, “CARRY ON SANTA,IT’S CHRISTMAS DAY, ALL IS SECURE.”ONE LOOK AT MY WATCH,AND I KNEW HE WAS RIGHT.“MERRY CHRISTMAS MY FRIEND,AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT.”This poem was written by a Marine. Thefollowing is his request. I think it is reasonable…..PLEASE. Would you do me the kind favor of sending this to as manypeople as you can? Christmas will be coming soon and some credit isdue to our U.S. service men and women for our being able to celebratethese festivities. Let’s try in this small way to pay a tiny bit ofwhat we owe. Make people stop and think of our heroes, living anddead! , who sacrificed themselves for us. Please, do your small partto plant this small seed.May God Bless You and Have A Great Day
Whenever a man’s friends begin to compliment him about looking young, he may be sure that they think he is growing old.
-Washington Irving (1783 – 1933)
“Damn Dragon, bring back my wreath!”
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot’s wife looked back and suddenly turned into a pillar of salt.
“My mother looked back once while she was driving,” contributed little Johnny, “and she turned into a telephone pole.”
On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there’s only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God.
My son had just turned 15 when I finally decided to talk to him about sex.
To ensure private time, I brought him on a ski trip and began our talk on the chair lift so he couldn’t escape. “Do you know about girls and babies?” I asked. He nodded but cut me off.
The next ride up the ski lift, I brought it up again, only to have him look away in silence.
On the third lift, already knowing I had waited too long, I bluntly asked, “Son, would you like to talk about sex?”
“Damn, Dad,” he responded, “is that all you ever think about?”
That may have been able to work back then … but it sure as heck can’t work now.
A man had run to the store with his daughters, Sarah (four) and Hannah (two) and on the way home he drove through a neighborhood looking for houses for sale. After a bit Sarah asked, “Daddy, what are we doing?”
The man said he was looking at the houses that were for sale.
Sarah asked “Are you gonna buy a new house?”
He replied “Maybe.”
Then Sarah said with much concern, “But Dad, how will we get it HOME?!”
A Short History Of Medicine:
“Doctor, I have an ear ache.”
– 2000 B.C. – “Here, eat this root.”
– 1000 B.C. – “That root is heathen, say this prayer.”
– 1850 A.D. – “That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.”
– 1940 A.D. – “That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.”
– 1985 A.D. – “That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.”
– 2004 A.D. – “That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!”
The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a professional. Scroll down for each answer.
The questions are NOT that difficult. But don’t scroll down UNTIL you have answered the question!
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door.
This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.
This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend… except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there.
This tests your memory.
Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across.
Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting.
This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.
Okay, be honest, how many of you don’t have the brains of a four-year-old?
That includes an awful lot of us, I’ve found out. Hang in there brothers and sisters, it will all be over soon and we can carry on getting on with our lives like we’ve been doing.
WAAAYYYY too many morons out there feel exactly that way.
That is a pretty amazing heart.
An Englishman shot himself in the groin recently after drinking 15 pints of beer, and stuffing a sawed-off shotgun down his pants.
Apparently, the man was under the impression the gun wasn’t fully cocked, and now he isn’t either.
The little girl went to church for the first time. As she was leaving with her parents, the minister asked how she had liked church.
“I liked the music,” she replied, “but the commercial was too long.”
Twas the night before Christmas and all through the garage,
There were no chevys no fords, only Dodge!!
The presents were wrapped and the lights were all lit,
So I figured I’d mess with the Challenger for a bit.
I popped the release and I lifted the hood,
When a deep voice behind me said “Looks pretty good!”
Well, as you can imagine, I turned mighty quick,
And there, by the workbench, stood good ol’ Saint Nick!
We stood there a bit, not too sure what to say,
Then he said “don’t suppose that you’d trade for my sleigh?
I said “no way, Santa” and started to grin,
“But if you’ve got the time we could go for a spin!”
His round little mouth, all tied up like a bow,
Turned into a smile and he said “Hell Ya, let’s go!!”
So as not to disturb all the neighbors’ retreat,
We pushed the Challenger quietly into the street.
Then, taking our places to drift down the hill,
I turned on the key and I let the clutch spill.
The sound that erupted took him by surprise,
But he liked it a lot, by the look in his eyes.
With hoosiers a’ crying and headers aglow,
We headed on out where the muscle cars go.
And Santa’s grin widened, approaching his ears,
With every shift up as I went through the gears.
Then he yelled “can’t recall when I’ve felt so alive!”
So I backed off the gas and said “You wanna drive?”
Ol’ Santa was stunned when I gave him the keys,
When he walked past the headlights he shook at the knees!
Then the HEMI exploded with pure exhaust sound!
Santa let out the clutch and the tires shook the ground!
Power shift into second, again into third!
I sat there just watching at loss for a word.
Then I heard him exclaim as we blasted from sight,
“Merry Christmas to all, it’s a hell of a night!!!”
At a dinner party, Holly and Joe were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy.
“No woman,” said Joe, scornfully, “can keep a secret.”
“I don’t know about that,” answered Holly. “I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one.”
“You’ll let it out some day,” Joe insisted.
“I hardly think so!” responded Holly. “When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever.”
What the … !? Okay, the first one was evil, the second one was … I don’t know what it is.
I want one!!
Why am I not surprised?
Muslims want Biden.
China wants Biden.
Iran wants Biden.
Abortionists want Biden.
Felons want Biden.
Illegals want Biden.
There was a faster response to Martha’s Vineyard than there was to Benghazi.
Let that sink in!
Once I see the T-Rex’s it’s so hard to unsee them
The teacher asked the students to bring one electrical appliance for “Show & Tell,” and the next day every kid had something.
The teacher asks Wendy: What did you bring?
“I brought a Walkman.”
“And what is it for?”
“You can listen to music with it!”
“That’s nice Wendy. What did you bring Kenny?”
“I brought a ‘lectrical can opener, it opens cans!”
“Well done, Kenny. Umm, Johnny, I see you didn’t bring anything!”
“Yes, I did. It’s in the hall.”
So the entire class goes into the hallway.
“Umm, Johnny, what is that?”
“It’s a heart / lung machine hospitals use to keep your heart going.”
“Whoa. What did your father say about you bringing this?”
“He said, ‘AAAARRRGGGH!!!'”
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home, so he prayed:
Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine. Amen.
God, in His infinite wisdom, granted the man’s wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, pay the bills and balance the check book.
He cleaned the cat’s litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1:00 p.m. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids. Set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 p.m. . he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the chicken and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.
At 9:00 p.m. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren’t finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, “Lord, I don’t know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife’s being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back.”
The Lord, in His infinite wisdom, replied, “My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.
You’ll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night.”
Signs Found In Kitchens
I clean house every other day. Today is the other day!
So this isn’t Home Sweet Home… Adjust!
Ring bell for Maid Service. If no answer, do it yourself!
If you write in the dust, please don’t date it!
I would cook dinner but I can’t find the can opener!
My house was clean last week. Too bad you missed it!
A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life.
I came. I saw. I decided to order take out.
If you don’t like my standards of cooking…lower your standards.
Apology. Although you’ll find our house a mess, come in, sit down, converse. It doesn’t always look like this. Some days it’s even worse.
A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.
If we are what we eat, then I’m easy, fast, and cheap.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Help keep the kitchen clean. Eat out.
My next house will have no kitchen – just vending machines.
And that’s it for this issue.
I just did a count on my remaining Christmas cartoons and it looks like I’m actually going to run out before we reach the holiday. To keep things going the way I’ve been doing it, I’m going to need approximately another 120 memes or cartoons to get me to Christmas. So, all you folks out there who have some good ones hanging around, send them to me now, put Christmas in the subject line of your email so I can pick them out of the other stuff easily because I’m still behind over 1000 emails on the old email server. I am keeping up on the new one (firstname.lastname@example.org) because I am forcing myself to everyday, but that is actually holding me back from using the stuff that’s coming in on the old addresses, lol.
I need to hire a secretary. Wouldn’t that be something. If I could only figure out a way to make enough money from this to do that. Now there’s an aspiration worth living up to.
Put Christmas in the subject line and no matter where you send it I’ll be able to find it. And until we meet again next, Love and Happiness to you each and every one!