Dragon Laffs #2110


How is everyone this fine Thursday morning?  While you are reading this, Izzy Dragon and I are in Indianapolis doing all day testing for her and the two dragon dogs are home protecting the cavern.  

 

Down in their hearts, wise men know this truth: the only way to help yourself is the help others.

-Elbert Hubbard (1856 – 1915)

A study published in “Neurology” says people who snore are more prone to getting headaches. No reason is given.

I wonder – could it be on account of their spouses hitting them in the head all night long trying to get them to stop snoring?

Signs Your Cat Is Too Fat


Cat door retro-fitted with garage door opener.

Confused guests constantly mistaking him for a beanbag chair.

Fifteen month gestation period, and still no kittens.

No longer cleans self unless coated in Cheese Whiz.

Catfood dish replaced with a trough.

Luxurious, shiny black fur replaced with mint green polyester pantsuit. 

It’s no longer safe to lift him without a spotter.

She only catches mice that get trapped in her gravitational pull. 

Has more chins than lives.

Pictures from my High School Year Book

Once upon a time there was a stork family – papa stork, mama stork and baby stork. One evening papa stork didn’t show up for dinner. Mama stork and baby stork left the food out for him but he didn’t come home at all that night. When papa stork finally did come home the next day, baby stork asked “Papa stork, where were you last night?” 

“Out making a young couple very happy,” replied papa stork. 

Several weeks later, mama stork was late for dinner. Baby stork and papa stork waited a while, and then gave up and ordered pizza. Mama stork didn’t come home until late the next morning. When mama stork did come in, baby stork asked “Mama stork, where were you last night?” 

“Out making a young couple very happy,” replied mama stork. 

Later in the fall, baby stork was late for dinner. Papa stork and mama stork were worried. 

Their anxiety increased when baby stork still wasn’t home by sunset. They both waited up late for baby stork but he didn’t come in until early in the morning. His feathers were rumpled and unkempt. 

Papa stork barked, “Where the hell were you baby stork?” as his tired son dragged himself over the threshold. 

“Out scaring the hell out of college students,” replied baby stork. 

A Sunday school teacher was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong. 

“All right children, let’s take another example,” she said. 

“If I were to get into a man’s pocket and take his billfold with all his money, what would I be?” 

Little Johnny raises his hand, and with a confident smile, he blurts out, “you’d be his wife!” 

According to this, I’m in the “Screwed” category.

Picking up the Sunday paper at the corner stand, I ran into one of my neighbours doing the same, and said, 

” I hear you have an anniversary coming up soon, is that right?” 

He replied,   “Yep, a big one… 20 years.”

“Wow,” I excxlaimed and asked, “what are you going to get your wife for your anniversary?” 

My neighbor replied, “We’re going on a trip to Australia.” 

“Jeez, Australia, that’s some gift!” said I. just a wee bit envious. 

 “That’s going to be hard to beat. What are you planing to do for your 25th anniversary?” 

“Go back and get her.”

“Yes, baby.  Someday you’re going to grow up to be a taxi, too.”

I find myself drawn to people who are funny, intelligent, and twisted.
Bonus Points for working sexual innuendos into the conversation.

Yeah, I guess I don’t understand art either.

If really good looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.

Life is a dream for the wise,
a game for the fool,
a comedy for the rich,
a tragedy for the poor.

I used to rush to defend myself against false accusations but now I watch to see who believes it, so I know who to cut off first.

I’m not on the Crazy Train – trains go fast.
It’s more like a wagon.
A long, slow ride on The Crazy Wagon.

Stop telling people that no one will love them until they love themselves.  Stop planting the idea in people’s brains that they are unworthy of love because of their own internal struggle.

Glad to see so many embracing therapy.  A few of you need an exorcism as well but … baby steps.

I have always been attracted to the broken.  Not because I want to fix them.  I don’t want to fix anyone.  I can’t even fix myself.  Rather I know we connect on another level, a real one.  We know what pain feels like.  How it feels to sleep with a broken heart.  Only to wake up and paint a smile on your face pretending as if everything is “okay”.  Because that’s what people like me do, like we do, like survivors do.
J.
iron word

If you choose not to find joy in the snow, you will have less joy in your life but still the same amount of snow.

And I am completely and totally out of time.  Until Saturday, you guys have a blessed day.  Love and happiness to you all.

This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Dragon Laffs #2110

  1. Leah D says:

    I had to look up “microbial dark matter”, to make sure it isn’t a hoax. However, I found many articles about it. It seems to boil down to the fact that they can’t grow them in laboratories because they don’t know what to feed them.
    Take-home message:
    -Life as we know it can be divided into 3 domains: eukaryotes like us whose genetic material is inside the nucleus of our cells; bacteria; and Archaea
    -Archaea resemble bacteria in that they are microscopic single-celled organisms and they can survive in extreme environments, but they also share a lot of molecular similarities with eukaryotes and can be found inside our body
    -Many Archaea are known as “microbial dark matter” because they cannot be grown in the lab and directly observed, but their genetic signature can be detected

  2. kris72663 says:

    I hope Izzy is okay

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s