It’s Monday.  I’ve put together a fast issue.  Not a lot of me in here, but some funnies to get you through the next couple of days.  I worked my ass off this weekend and I have some tough days ahead of me, so let’s just get some laughter together and …

Back in the old days, the USSR Prime Secretary ordered the soviet scientists to build a telescope he could use to watch the Americans.

So they built and it was beautiful. When he came to test it, he looked through it and saw a big city with lots of skyscrapers.

He said, “Is this the New York? Where’s that building they call Empire State?”

The scientists pushed some buttons and the Empire State building came to be seen.

“What are those large photos on that building?” he asked.

The scientists pushed more buttons, and the large photos that came into focus turned out to be those of Marx, Engels and Lenin; the grandfathers of communism.

“Hey, what happened to the Americans? Are they crazy, showing large photos of our Communist Fathers on their streets? Show me what the text below says.” More buttons pushed revealed the text below the photos:

“Don’t grow beards like these! Use Gillette!”

This is an oldie but goodie.  And it’s timely.

The game show contestant was only 200 points behind the leader and about to answer the final question – worth 500 points!

“To be today’s champion,” the show’s smiling host intoned, “name two of Santa’s reindeer.”

The contestant, a man in his early thirties, gave a sigh of relief, gratified that he had drawn such an easy question. “Rudolph!” he said confidently, “and, …Olive!”

The studio audience started to applaud (like the little sign above their heads said to do,) but the clapping quickly faded into mumbling, and the confused host replied, “Yes, we’ll accept Rudolph, but could you please explain… ‘Olive?!?'”

“You know,” the man circled his hand forward impatiently and began to sing, “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer – had a very shiny nose. And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glowed. *Olive,* the other reindeer…”

While at the supermarket this weekend, I came across two women talking in the aisle I was going down.

“Harry and I have been together ten years now and he makes me very happy,” one said. “So I don’t mind buying him what he likes even if it is a little more expensive.”

“Well, with my Benny I have no choice. He’s just plain fussy,” her friend replied.

As I passed by their carts I discovered both women were loading their shopping carts with high-quality cat food.

We are the pest removal … aarrgghh!!!

I always get confused with the differences between elves, fairies, sprites, pixies, and the rest.  I guess I just don’t understand the gnomenclature.

Her:  Tell me something you’ve never told anyone else.

Me:  [whispering] I think the owl people are already among us.

Her:  Who?

Me:  OH NO!!

Fun Fact:  Australia’s biggest export is boomerangs.

It’s also their biggest import.

Why oh why was there a need for THIS sign?

That’s one big step across

The John Deere Tractor Company will not stand behind their manure spreaders.

How to Tell You’re Going to Lose an Argument With Your Wife:

1.  You’re in an argument with your wife.

Just got a job as senior director at Old MacDonald’s Farm.

I’m the CIEIO.

In order to insult me, I  must first value your opinion.
Nice try though!

Don’t expect any New Year’s resolutions from me.  I intend to remain the same awkward, sarcastic, foul-mouthed delight you’ve all come to know and love.

It’s that weird time of day when I don’t know if I need water, coffee, a cookie, or to leave civilization an go live amongst the woodland creatures.

SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus.  What you may not know is that TUBA is also an acronym.  
For Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus.

I hate it when TV shows say they contain “adult situations” but then don’t show anyone going to work, paying their bills, or cleaning up after their kids.

A guy in the bar asked me if I’m watching the World Cup.
I said, “Yeah.”
He said, “I bet you can’t even name three Qatar players.”
I said, “Jimmi Hendrix, Eric Clapton, and George Harrison.”

And that’s it for today so I can get this put out.  Love and happiness to you all.