It’s Saturday, and while you are reading this, I’m busy teaching CBRN Defense Training. It’s one of my favorite things to do for work. Although it’s getting harder and harder to do as I get older, it’s still a lot of fun to do. Here’s kind of what it looks like…
Great fun. Especially when I’m not the one who has to get dressed out in MOPP gear. LOL!
A N Y W A Y …
There is a world of fun to be had in today’s issue. Now, truth in advertising, I haven’t put any of that fun IN today’s issue as of this moment, but I just KNOW that by the time you get to it, FUN WILL BE FOUND. Yes indeed it will.
So, if you will all accompany me and walk this way and enter through this door, we can begin.
10 Things Men Know about Women:
10. They Have Breasts.
A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London, and was in a hurry.
As they went by the Tower of London the cabbie explained what it was and that construction started in 1346 and it was completed in 1412
The Texan replied, “Shoot, a little ol’ tower like that? In Houston we’d have that thing up in two weeks!”
House of Parliament next – Started construction in 1544,completed 1618.
Heck boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a year!”
As they passed Westminister Abbey the cabby was silent. “Whoah! What’s that over there?”
Darned if I know, wasn’t there yesterday…”
And I’ll bet there are those of you out there who have no idea what this is in reference to.
We got lucky when we heard the old Piedmont Hotel in Atlanta was getting a face-lift and its beautiful maple doors became available for sale as salvage items.
We bought several and had them installed in our 19th-century home.
Showing a friend around the house, I pointed out, “You know, these doors are from the Piedmont Hotel.”
He raised an eyebrow. “Most people just take towels.”
Our underground passages and escape routes are protected by the very best.
When we are born, our mothers get the compliments and the flowers.
When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity.
When we die, our widows get the life insurance.
So, as guys, what do we want? When we’re born, you want your crotch patted? When we get married, you want to be complimented on … what? How handsome you are? Or how beautiful your wife is that YOU picked out or that picked YOU out? And when we die … who gives a damn what happens here on earth, after we’re gone?
During the wedding reception in the family’s southern mansion, the bride’s Granddaddy slipped her five $100 bills and told her that it was for her and to keep it for “mad money, so she stuffed them in her gloves
By family tradition, the couple spent their first night together in their historic plantation house.
Later that night, after all the guests had left, the bride’s Grandmother saw her sneaking down the stairs , and asked where she was going.
“I left my gloves in the library, Grand-MaMa, and it’s important that I have them.”
“Oh you youngsters!” the Grandmother sighed. “You march yourself right back upstairs and grab hold of that damm thing with your bare hands just like I did your Grandfather’s.”
Holiday Diet Tips
1. If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, they cancel each other out
3. If you eat standing up, it doesn’t count!
4. STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backwards
5. If you eat the food off someone else’s plate, it doesn’t count
6, Cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breakage cause calorie leakage
7. Food used for medicinal purposes have no calories. This includes: any chocolate used for energy, brandy, cheesecake, and Haagen-Daz Ice Cream
8. When eating with someone else, calories don’t count if you both eat the same amount
9. Movie-related foods are much lower in calories simply because they are a part of the entertainment experience and not part of one’s personal fuel. This includes Milk Duds, popcorn with butter, Junior Mints, Snickers, and Gummi Bears.
We use “Little Red” messenger service for most of our messenger service needs.
You may have noticed I have already started putting Christmas memes and cartoons in my issue. That’s because I have SO MANY of them it will probably take me the entire month of December to get through them all! So, you guys get to enjoy them (and steal them) for the entire month. I hope you enjoy them!
Memory of an accident in a Uniontown, Pennsylvania cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake
Stepped on the gas Instead of the brake.
After a very long day of listening to a visiting businessman from Texas brag about his state a New Yorker decided to show the guy the Empire State Building.
When the Texan then put down New York’s well-known landmark by saying “Heck, that’s nothing. In Texas, we have outhouses bigger than that!”
The New Yorker responded with, “Well you no doubt need them!”
There is a pier in San Francisco upon which sits a large statue of gorilla named Dotty who lived at the SF zoo for many years.
Dotty is not relevant to the story, except that she was loved by all who knew her.
Anyroad, every year there was a festival held on the pier at which one could buy all manner of fried foods and see some local San Franners doing comedy skits and the like.
Since the comedy was pretty bad but the food was pretty good, it quickly became tradition to hit all the of food stands hard and fast then melt away before being exposed to too much bad comedy.
Naturally, this annual event became known as the Gorilla Wharf Fair.
A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her.
After following along for a while, turns to her and asks, “Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?”
“NO!” says the little girl as she keeps on walking.
The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks, “Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back.”
“NO!” says the little girl again as she hurries down the street.
The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says, “Okay kid, my last offer! I’ll give you 20 Bucks “and” a Big Bag of Candy if you will just hop on the back of my bike and we will go for a ride.”
Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and Screams Out… “Look Dad” “You’re the one who bought the Honda instead of the Harley… YOU RIDE IT!!”…….
A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber, who responded, “Why would anyone want to go there. It’s crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”
“We’re taking United,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!” “United!” exclaimed the barber. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”
“We’ll be at the downtown International Marriott.” “That dump! That’s the worst hotel in Rome. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they’re overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?”
We’re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope. “That’s rich,” laughed the barber. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it!”
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome. “It was wonderful,” explained the man. “Not only were we on time in one of United’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful young stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel! Well, it was great! They’d just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it’s the finest hotel in the city. They were overbooked too, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!”
“Well,”muttered the barber. “I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.” “Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked in. As I knelt down he spoke to me.”
“What did he say?”
“He said, ‘Where’d you get the shitty haircut ?”
As a student driver in Philadelphia, I was taking the road test for my driver’s license. When someone cut me off, I held my temper so I wouldn’t look out of control. “You have a lot to learn,” said the inspector.
At a red light, the car behind tapped my bumper. I remained calm while the inspector shook his head. When the light turned, I accelerated, but the car behind sped up and cut me off. That did it! I hit the horn as hard as I could.
The inspector turned to me, smiled and said, “Now you’re getting the hang of it.”
“Oh, No!” he gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him. Never in his 40 years of life had he seen anything like it. How anyone could have survived he did not know.
He could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction he would find his 16-year-old son. Only the slim hope of finding Danny kept him from turning and fleeing the scene. He took a deep breath and proceeded.
Walking was virtually impossible with so many things strewn across his path. He moved ahead slowly.
“Danny! Danny!” he whispered to himself. He tripped and almost fell several times. He heard someone, or something, move. At least he thought he did. Perhaps, he was just hoping he did. He shook his head and felt his gut tighten.
He couldn’t understand how this could have happened. There was some light but not enough to see very much. Something cold and wet brushed against his hand. He jerked it away.
In desperation, he took another step then cried out, “Danny!”
From a nearby pile of unidentified material, he heard his son. “Yes, Dad,” he said, in a voice so weak it could hardly be heard.
“It’s time to get up and get ready for school,” the man sighed, “and, for heaven’s sake, clean up this room!”
A woman was at home with her children when the telephone rang.
In going to answer it, she tripped on a rug, grabbed for something to hold on to and seized the telephone table.
It fell over with a crash, jarring the receiver off the hook. As it fell, it hit the family dog, who leaped up, howling and barking.
The woman’s three-year-old son, startled by this noise, broke into loud screams. The woman mumbled some colorful words.
She finally managed to pick up the receiver and lift it to her ear, just in time to hear her husband’s voice on the other end say, “Nobody’s said hello yet, but I’m positive I have the right number.”
This is a GREAT story that I HAD to include!!!! Thanks Joe!!
In a spy novel I had just read, the hero hid a letter in a particular statue in London
Since I was in that city at the time, on a whim I decided to see if the statue really contained the small niche the author had described.
To my great surprise, it did — and a cellophane-wrapped letter was inside.
After a moment’s hesitation, I pulled out the letter, opened it, and burst into laughter.
An unidentified reader had penned, “Good book, wasn’t it?”
So, we come to an end of another issue, but before we go, I’d like to show you a meme that really resonated with me. I got this the other day from one of our dear campers. As you may have picked up on, this is a rough time of year for your dear camp counselor … camp leader … ME! … Impish Dragon, I’m talking about me.
People ask me how I’m doing and I say, “Yeah, I’m okay.” This is what it really means. And I added a little bit to the meme to make it a little clearer. I’m here and I am functioning, everything is working the way it’s supposed to work … but …
So, that’s that. Until we meet again. I hope to have an episode prepared for Monday, but since this is a UTA weekend, don’t be worried if there isn’t one, it’s because I’m working killer hours this weekend and teaching three full classes this Saturday and Sunday. All is well. So, until next time. May Love and Happiness bless your lives.