Dragon Laffs #2106


Well Saturday I went out and spent a good part of the day with Mary’s family at a sort of Thanksgiving Day celebration kind of thing.  It was the first time I had been with any of them in person since Mary had passed away.

It was a hard day.

Everyone was very nice to me and very kind.  Everyone spoke to me and included me, which was very nice and I’m quite sure as difficult for them as it was for me.  I’m very sure I was a very large reminder for them of their missing sister.

It was a hard day.

Everyone commented on my very obvious weight loss.  They were quite complimentary until they found out how I lost the weight and the fact that my doctor had to threaten me with hospitalization and force feeding me if I didn’t stop it.  I told them I was trying to eat better.  I think I am, but I’m not really sure…lately.  When I get depressed, like I am now, I don’t want to eat because it makes me feel sick.  I’m trying to forget what time of year it is.  I just want this time to go by.  And it just seems to not want to.  

I made Lasagna Bob and had a piece of that to eat and a coconut macaroon and a molasses bar.  Oh, and a roll.  One of the best Lasagnas I’ve made in a LONG time.  2 meat, 5 cheese.  Probably weighed over 10 lbs.  One of my favorite foods in the whole world and I make one of the world’s best.  https://www.epicurean.com/articles/lasagna-bob.html  And yet I’m sitting here now, feeling sick to my stomach.

It’s been a hard day.

So, we going to put this day behind us and we’re going together let laughter cure our aching hearts.  So, any of you out there who need this like I need this, this is for you today.

A well dressed businessman got into a Manhattan cab and asked to be taken to LaGuardia airport.

While stuck in the traffic jam, the businessman leaned forward and said to the cabbie, “How’s your spirit of adventure?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, I have to be in Chicago for a meeting tomorrow, but the thought of flying there just bores me to tears. Why not drive me there? The meeting will last only an hour. I’ll pay the gas, tolls, your hotel room, meals, and then you can drive me back tomorrow.”

The driver said, “Sure, why not?” and off they went.

They motored through Jersey, Pennsylvania, Ohio, Indiana, and finally into Chicago. The businessman did his meeting (while the cabbie waited) came out, got back into the cab and they took off to the hotel. They shared a huge meal, the businessman paid for two rooms.

The next morning, they took off back towards Manhattan. When they arrived, the meter read $4,632.85.

When they got back to the businessman’s office in Manhattan, the man told the cabbie, “Let me go in the bank here and I’ll get you a certified check. I’ll make it for $5000 so you’ll get a sizable tip for your service”.

“Great,” the cab driver said, “Thanks.”

“One last thing. When I give you the check, I’d like you to drive me home, please. I’m dead tired .”

“Where do you live ?”

“Brooklyn.”

“No way mister !!! I’d have to drive back over the Brooklyn Bridge empty… without a passenger!”

I went for Chinese last night and got chatting to the waiter.  He told me he lived in Japan during the war and was a kamikaze pilot and his code name was “Chow Mein”. 

I said, “Correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t kamikaze pilots sacrifice their own lives?”

To which he replied, “Yes, but I was Chicken Chow Mein.” …

George: “I hea..hea… heard tha…that you can hel…hel…help me”. 

Speech therapist: “Yes, sure. Ease yourself in the chair, look straight in my eyes, and count slowly till ten”. 

George: “O…one, t…two, th…th…three, ….. eight, nine, ten. It’s wonderful, I don’t stammer anymore!” 

Speech therapist: “My fee is 300 dollars.”

George: “H…h…how mu…mu…much?!”

I read books, I drink coffee, and I know stuff.  THAT’S WHAT IF DO!

Those who like my posts are happier, more intelligent, and better-looking than those that don’t according to a scientific study that I made up.

Last night my wife wore a police uniform to bed and said, “You’re being charged with being good in bed.”  90 seconds later the charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

Let’s face it.

Seeing a camel toe in leopard print tights at Walmart is probably the closest any of us will ever get to going on an African safari.

As someone who goes through that every now and then, I can STRONGLY attest to that fact!  It is horrifying!  Thank God for me it’s only occasional, although the night before last was one of those nights.  The night before Thanksgiving.  I told friends and family that I had nightmares … but two of those nightmares involved Sleep Paralysis … which turned them truly, mind bendingly, awful.  Okay, now I’m making myself sweat and giving myself heart races…so, onward to other things.  LOL!

Seriously, I got nothing.  Just a really cool, beautiful picture.

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.

Yup, me too!

Lots of men don’t understand the value of their wives…

Until the judge decides the alimony amount.

Love is nothing without action.
Trust is nothing without proof.
And sorry is nothing without change.

No Data (Conde Nast TagID: cncartoons018497.jpg) [Photo via Conde Nast]

I do not burn bridges.  I just loosen the bolts a little bit each day.

Nearly everything has the potential to be funny.
The smartasses seize the opportunity to poke fun at something just to get a laugh.  Please thank a smartass today for making your life more cheerful.

It’s easy to take sides when you’ve only heard one.

Looks like Baba Yaga’s Hut.

One of the greatest regrets in life is being what others would want you to be, rather than being yourself. 
~ Shannon L. Alder

From a procrastination standpoint, today has been wildly successful.

It’s only natural we become quieter as we grow older.  We’ve a lot more to be quiet about.

Joe sent us this list of Old Hillbilly Wisdom that has some great … well … wisdom in it.  Take some of it to heart as we end today’s episode a little more cheerful than we started it.  Thanks for taking today’s journey with me, my friends.  I really needed the company.

𝐎𝐥𝐝 𝐇𝐢𝐥𝐥𝐛𝐢𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐖𝐢𝐬𝐝𝐨𝐦:
Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
Keep skunks, bankers, and politicians at a distance.
Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.
The best sermons are lived, not preached.
If you don’t take the time to do it right, you’ll find the time to do it twice.
Don’t corner something that is meaner than you.
Don’t pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he’ll just kill you.
It don’t take a very big person to carry a grudge.
You cannot unsay a cruel word.
Every path has a few puddles.
When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
Don’t be banging your shin on a stool that’s not in the way.
Borrowing trouble from the future doesn’t deplete the supply.
Most of the stuff people worry about ain’t never gonna happen anyway.
Don’t judge folks by their relatives.
Silence is sometimes the best answer.
Don‘t interfere with somethin’ that ain’t botherin’ you none.
Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’.
Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
The biggest troublemaker you’ll ever have to deal with watches you from the mirror every mornin’.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Good judgment comes from experience, and most of that comes from bad judgment.
Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin’ it back in.
If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try to speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.
Most times, it just gets down to common sense.

So, until next time,

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1 Response to Dragon Laffs #2106

  1. Cornelious says:

    If you could kick the person’s ass responsible for most of your problems, you wouldn’t sit for a month.
    Theodore Roosevelt.

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