Dragon Laffs #2105


It’s Thanksgiving Day as I’m starting this episode and I’ve been sitting here with West Wing on the TV, the dogs crashed out on the floor, Izzy Dragon is still upstairs asleep and I’ve been sitting here for about the last 3 hours zoned out with my mind wandering to Thanksgiving Days in the past and tears dripping down on to my keyboard.  Not really paying attention to anything.  

Yeah, zoning out.  That’s where I am right now.  So, what I’m going to do is jump to the fun stuff to take my mind off the other stuff while I wait for the world to turn and time to pass and this day to pass.  So for now, let’s do that and see what else pops up as it happens.

How does that sound?

Good for you?

Yup, good for me, too.

So, a couple of leftovers …

  • What did the turkey widow say to her three disobedient, inconsiderate children when they especially acted out one day?
    • If your father was still alive he’d be turning over in his gravy.
  • What role do green beans play at Thanksgiving?
    • The casserole.
  • What do you get if you cross a turkey with a ghost?
    • A poultrygeist.
  • What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
    • Pumpkin Pi
  • If Pilgrims traveled on the Mayflower what do students travel on?
    • Scholar ships
  • What do you get when you cross a turkey with rattler?
    • A wattlesnake.
  • What smells the best at Thanksgiving Dinner?
    • Your nose.
  • What do sweet potatoes wear to bed?
    • Yammies.
  • Knock knock.” – “Who’s there?” – “Arthur.” 
    • “Arthur who?” – “Arthur any leftovers?”
  • How do little pumpkins cross the road as he got to school?
    • With a crossing gourd.
  • Knock Knock.” – “Who’s there?” – “Norma Lee.” 
    • “Norma Lee who?” – “Norma Lee I don’t eat this much!”
  • What’s the smallest unit of measurement in the pilgrim cookbook?  
    • Pil-gram.
  • What do turkeys do on Sundays?  
    • Have peck-nics.
  • What’s the best song to play while cooking a turkey?
    • All About That Baste.
  • Why did the cranberries turn red?”
    • “Because they saw the turkey dressing.”
  • Why do Pilgrims’ pants always fall down?
    • Because they wear their buckles on their hats.
  • If you call a big turkey a gobbler, what do you call a small one?”
    • “A goblet.”
  • What sound does a turkey’s phone make?”
    • “Wing-wing-wing.”

After the parade, a man asked me if I could help him get down off his horse.  I told him, “Of course not.  You can’t.  You get down off a duck.”

Why Iron-man and not Fe-male?

Our Northern Perimeter Patrols can be lonely jobs at times.

Pulled out a nose hair today to see if it hurt…

Judging by the reaction of the man asleep next to me on the bus, it seems pretty painful… 

I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you how you need to be “saved” or you’ll “burn”

stupid firemen

If there was a way to read a woman’s mind, I am not sure I would want to.  I hate shoes, shopping, gossip, and I already know I am annoying.

Tears are the lubricant of the soul.  They help when overwhelming grief is at odds with unspeakable love.  Izzy Dragon is now up and I’m trying so hard to be cheerful and it’s so hard.  Unbelievably hard.  But, this too will pass and I will get through, so let’s press on.

“Na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na Batman!”

About four minutes into my run, I’ve decided I want to work on my personality instead.

Hence, Dragon Laffs!

BIGGEST LESSON IN LIFE: 

Don’t ever think it can’t happen to you.

My GPS just told me to turn around.

Now I can’t see where I’m driving.

Dan: “I’m a man of few words.”

Fred: “Yeah, I’m married, too.”

There is a folk belief that if you bury a statue of St. Joseph on a piece of property, it will be sold more quickly.

I took the St. Joseph from my Nativity scene and buried it near my front door. A few days later a woman made me an offer on the house. Since she had to sell her home too, I suggested she enlist the help of the saint as well.

After a month of burying the statue all over her lawn, she had no nibbles and, in disgust, put the statue out with the trash.

A week later she opened her local paper and read: “Town Sells Landfill to Private Developer.”

TOMBSTONE 

The grave of Ellen Shannon in  Pennsylvania. 

Who was fatally burned
March 21, 1870
by the explosion of a lamp
filled with “R.E. Danforth’s
Non-Explosive Burning Fluid”

The “H” in “DEMOCRAT” stands for “HONESTY”.

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter said, “I’d like to get you guys in now, but our computer’s down. You’ll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can’t go back as priests. What’ll it be?”

The first priest says, “I’ve always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky mountains.”

“So be it,” says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.

The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, “Will any of this week ‘count’, St. Peter?”

“No, I told you the computer’s down. There’s no way we can keep track of what you’re doing.”

“In that case,” says the second priest, “I’ve always wanted to be a stud.”

“So be it” says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. “Will you have any trouble locating them?” He asks.

“The first one should be easy,” says St. Peter. “He’s somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult.”

“Why?” asked the Lord.

“He’s on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota

Timmy was a little five-year old boy that his Mom loved very much and being a worrier, she was concerned about him walking to school when he started Kindergarten. She walked him to school for a couple of days but when he came home one day, he told his mother that he did not want her walking him to school everyday. He wanted to be like the “big boys.”

He protested loudly, so she had an idea of how to handle it.

She asked a neighbor, Mrs. Goodnest, if she would surreptitiously follow her son to school, at a distance behind him that he would not likely notice, but close enough to keep a watch on him.

Mrs. Goodnest said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it Would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well so she agreed.

The next school day, Mrs. Goodnest and her little girl, Marcy, set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with Another neighbor boy he knew. She did this for the whole week.

As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, the little Friend of Timmy noticed that this same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week.

Finally, he said to Timmy, “Have you noticed that lady following us all week? Do you know her?”

Timmy nonchalantly replied, “Yea, I know who she is.”

The little friend said, “Well who is she?”

“That’s just Shirley Goodnest” Timmy said.

“Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us?”

“Well,” Timmy explained, “every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers ‘cuz she worries about me so much.

And it says, “Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life.” So I guess I’ll just have to get used to it!”

Mr. Hands was called in for an audit, and a surly Internal Revenue officer confronted him.

“It says here that you’re a bachelor – yet you have claimed a dependent son. Surely this must be a mistake.”

Mr. Hands looked him straight in the eye and said, “Yep, it surely was.”

And that’s it my friends.  The time has passed.  It is now Friday and we’ve all made it through.  Thanks for spending the time with me and helping me get through.  I deeply appreciate you.   Love and happiness to you all.  Until next time.

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3 Responses to Dragon Laffs #2105

  1. Helen says:

    This is a hard time of the yr for me also , my husband passed in June. He was diagnosed with leukemia just before Thanksgiving. It’s really hard when half
    Of yourself is missing and your figuring out how to go on. The grief hit me again just as hard as when he passed.

  2. Cornelious says:

    Electric car. Thanks yoy retarded sheep that voted for them.

  3. Stephanie says:

    Love you.

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