Dragon Laffs #2104


Happy Thanksgiving!  I’m actually starting this on Sunday evening.  So, I have a few days to work on it because I’ve got something scheduled every day this week…except this evening.  Izzy Dragon is working this evening, so that gives me time to work.  Monday, I’ve got a class, Tuesday is darts and Wednesday is Bible Study.  

But then again, that’s every week, so I suppose that’s nothing new.  

So, I guess I’m just trying to get a little ahead.  It’s Thanksgiving week and I’m supposed to think of two things, everyday that I am thankful for.  And although I was given that assignment today, there’s no reason why I have to wait until tomorrow to start and there’s also no reason why I can’t share my thankfulness with you, my camping family.

So, what are the two things that I am thankful for today?  I suppose I could start out big and say friends and family.  That includes you guys in both of those categories.  There’s an awful lot of you who fall into the category of family, you’ve been around so long.  Some of you from  the very beginning over 15 years ago…in this format.  And I am thankful for every one of you.  You make the days easier and the nights a bit softer. 

Now, we’re going to move on to some of the fun stuff and talk more as we move along.

The Postal Service advises again this year that all babies born on Thanksgiving must be girls.  There is no male delivery on holidays.

Here’s something to think about at our ages ..
 

  1. The inventor of the treadmill died at the age of 54
  2. The inventor of gymnastics died at the age of 57
  3. The world bodybuilding champion died at the age of 41
  4. The best footballer in the world, Maradona, died at the age of 60.
  5. James Fuller Fixx, credited with helping start America’s fitness revolution by popularizing the sport of running, died of a heart attack while jogging at 52 years of age.

  … BUT …

  1. The KFC inventor died at 94.
  2. Inventor of Nutella brand died at the age of 88
  3. Imagine, cigarette maker Winston died at the age of 102
  4. The inventor of opium died at the age of 116 in an earthquake
  5. And the Hennessey Liquor inventor died at 98.

How did these doctors come to the conclusion that exercise prolongs life? 

The rabbit is always jumping up and down but it lives for only 2 years and the turtle that doesn’t exercise at all, lives 400 years.

So, take some rest, chill, stay cool, eat, drink and enjoy your life.

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other a Chihuahua As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, “Let’s go into  that pub for a drink.” The lady with the Chihuahua said, “We can’t go in there. We’ve got dogs with us.” The one with the Doberman said, “Just watch, and do as I do.” They walked over to the pub and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. The bouncer at the door said, “Sorry, lady, no pets allowed.” The woman with the Doberman said, “You don’t understand. This is my guide dog I’m partially blind” The bouncer said, “A Doberman?” The woman said, “Yes, they’re using them now. They’re very good. “The bouncer said, “OK, come on in. “The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a guide dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, “What the heck,” so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in. Once again the bouncer said, “Sorry, lady, no pets allowed.” The woman said, “You don’t understand. This is my guide dog” The bouncer said, “A Chihuahua?” The woman with the Chihuahua said, “A Chihuahua? They gave me a freaking Chihuahua ?

“This is a dragon I’m riding, not a turkey, you idiots!”

Monday Night and the two things that I’m thankful for are God’s Word and the Blessings of the Holy Spirit.  Kind of strange to say from a guy who puts these memes out and puts such Dragon Rants in here that flame the left and the Democrats that are ruining our once great and beautiful country.  But, I am only a mortal being and I am trying my very best to be the best that I can be and to be honest with myself and with God.  

Government Pipe Specifications:

1. All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal or plastic, centered around the hole.

2. All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length — do not use holes of different length than the pipe.

3. The ID (Inside Diameter) of all pipe must not exceed their OD (Outside Diameter) — otherwise the hole will be on the outside.

4. The pipe is supplied with nothing in the hole, so that water, steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.

5. All pipe is to be supplied without rust; this can be more readily applied at the job site. (NOTE: Some vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipes. If available in your area, this product is recommended as it will save a great deal of time at the job site.)

6. All pipe over 500ft (150m) in length should have the words “LONG PIPE” clearly painted on each side and end, so the contractor will know it’s a long pipe.

7. Pipe over 2 miles (3.2km) in length must also have the words “LONG PIPE” painted in the middle so the contractor will not have to walk the entire length of the pipe to determine whether it is a long or short pipe.

8. All pipe over 6ft (1.83m) in diameter must have the words “LARGE PIPE” painted on it, so the contractor won’t mistake it for a small pipe.

9. Flanges must be used on all pipe. Flanges must have holes from bolts that are quite separate from the big holes in the middle.

10. When ordering 90 or 30 degree elbows, be sure to specify left-hand or right-hand, otherwise you will end up going the wrong way.

11. Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill or downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipe for going uphill, the water will flow the wrong way.

12. All couplings should have either right-hand or left-hand threads, but do not mix the threads. Otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on to one pipe, it is being unscrewed from the other.

13. All pipes shorter than 1/8in (3mm) are very uneconomical in use, requiring many joints. They are generally known as washers.

14. Joints in pipes for water must be watertight. Those pipes for compressed air, however, need only be airtight.

15. Lengths of pipes may be welded or soldered together. This method is not recommended for concrete or earthenware pipes.

16. Other commodities are often confused with pipes. These include; Conduit, Tube, Tunnel, and Drain. Use only genuine pipes.

Little Johnny’s mother asked him what he would like for his birthday. 

“I’d like a little brother,” Little Johnny said.

“Oh my, that’s such a big wish,” said his mother. “Why do you want a little brother”? 

“Well,” said Little Johnny, “there’s only so much I can blame on my dog.” 

Tuesday and before I run out to Darts, I can say that I’m very thankful for my Darts family who have pulled my butt out of the fire more than once.  They helped clean up the tree that had fallen in the back yard, through the fence and into the neighbor’s yard.  They have been there for me so often and without question that I must be so very thankful for them. And I am especially thankful for my Izzy Dragon who has kept me sane and alive this last year.  If not for her, I don’t think I  would be here right now.  She has done more for me than anyone.  She has kept me whole.

An Israeli soldier who had only just enlisted asked his Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass. 

The CO said, “Are you crazy? You just joined the Israeli army and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that kind of recognition!” 

The very next day the soldier came back driving an Arab tank!

The CO was very impressed and gave the soldier his 3-day pass.

One of the other new recruits took him aside and asked how he had managed to single-handedly capture an Arab tank. 

“Simple” said the soldier, I jumped in one of our tanks and headed towards the border. As I approached the border, I saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. Then I said to the Arab soldier, ‘How would you like to get a 3-day pass?’ 

“So we exchanged tanks!”

“Mirror, mirror on the wall, where is Impish Dragon ’cause I’m gonna kick his ever lovin’ ass!”

Black Friday:

Because only in America will people trample each other for sales exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have.

And absolute Thanksgiving classic!  What a wonderful show this was.

Three Irishmen, drunk as can be, come staggering down the street, singing Danny Boy at the top of their lungs. They come to a stop in front of Flaherty’s house still singing. 

After a few minutes, the window flies open and Mrs. Flaherty yells out, “Why don’t you drunken sots go somewhere else.” 

“Are ye Mrs. Flaherty?” asks one of the drunks.

“Faith now, ye know full well that I am,” says she.

“Well, could ye come down an’ tell us which one of us is your husband so the other two of us can go home.” 

It seems as though in my over 30 years of service, the holidays that I’ve missed the most, or should I say, the holidays that I’ve been away from home the most for, it seems have been Thanksgiving, my kid’s birthday’s (especially Izzy’s) and my wedding anniversary.  In that order.  Out of, let’s say 30 Thanksgivings, I’ll bet I’ve missed at least half, if not closer to 20 of them.  It seems like I was always deployed or TDY or at some school or special class or something, somewhere.  But, you know… there was always something there to be thankful for at the same time.  I was helping to defend the GREATEST country in the world.  The only country who’s founding fathers based its inception on Judeo-Christian values (although I’d swear our leaders now are doing everything in their power to destroy those same values now).  I was working for a military who I KNEW would watch out for and take care of my family while I was gone.  And that I was BLESSED to have a job, a career that I could be proud of and that took care of me and my family.  We’d never be rich, by any stretch of the imagination, but there was food on the table and a roof over our heads and what more could one really ask for.  So yeah, don’t forget those who can’t be home today with their families.  I’ve got a couple of my guys who are going to be gone over the Christmas holiday.  We can talk about keeping them in your prayers as it gets a little closer to the time.  In the mean time, lets get back to the laughter. 

Two hunters, Paul and Kurt, were in a lodge, making small talk. Paul asked Kurt, “So, what do you hunt?” 

Kurt answered “I hunt unicorns.”

Paul was startled, but said “Really? How do you do that?” 

Kurt replied, “I find a virgin and hire her to help me. 

The virgin sits around in the woods until a unicorn comes to her. When it does, it sets off a snare.” 

Paul said, “Boy, they must be hard to find. I’ve heard of them, but I’ve never seen one.” Kurt said “Yeah, and there aren’t many unicorns around, either!” 

Courage is the art of being the only one who knows you’re scared to death. 

-Earl Wilson (1907-1987)

A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. 

While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. 

The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act.

For $100, the cabby agreed.   

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom.   

The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.

The husband put a gun to the naked man’s head. The wife shouted, “Don’t do it!  This man has been very generous!  I lied when I told you I inherited money.  He paid for the Corvette I bought for you.  He paid for our new cabin cruiser.  He paid for our house at the lake.  He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!”

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun.

He looked over at the cab driver and said, “What would you do?”

The cabby said, “I’d cover him up with that blanket before he catches a cold.

Why?  What’s wrong with that?

NEVER AGAIN should we be forgetting our men and women who served!!

I just switched my “20 year Home Mortgage” to a “Student Loan”.

Follow me for more financial advice.

Which is only one of the reasons why I still have a job.

Tired of having to balance his wife’s bank balance, Mike made a deal with her; he would only look at it after she had spent a few hours trying to wrestle it into shape. Only then would he lend his expertise. 

The following night, after spending hours poring over stubs and figures, Ann said proudly, “There! I’ve done it! I made it balance!” 

Impressed, Mike came over to take a look.

“Let’s see…mortgage 550.00, electricity 70.50, phone 35.00.” His brow wrinkled as he read the last entry. “It says here ESP, 615.00. What the heck is that?” 

“Oh,” she said, “That means, Error Some Place!!!” 

My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.
-Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-Rodney Dangerfield

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, “There was water in the carburetor.” 
I asked her, “Where’s the car?”
She replied, “In the lake.”
-Henny Youngman
—————————————————–
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
-Henny Youngman
—————————————————– 
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.” 
The husband replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.” 
—————————————————–
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. 
—————————————————–
I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months – I don’t like to interrupt her. 
—————————————————–
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate.
So I got myself two girlfriends.
—————————————————–
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it since the thief was spending much less than his wife did.

A door-to-door salesmen knocks on a neighbourhood door. 

A little boy answers the door and the salesman says, ” Hi little fellow, is your mother home ?” 

“Yes,” said the lad, “she’s out in the backyard screwing our goat.” 

” No,” says the salesman, ” I don’t belive you.” 

The boy says, ” Come see for yourself.” 

So the salesman takes a look in the backyard, and sure enough, there was the mom bent over with a large goat screwing her from behind. 

The salesman said to the boy, “isn’t your mom afraid she’ll get pregnant?” 

The boy says, ” N-a-a-a-a-a-” 

Life Is a Gift

Today before you say an unkind word – Think of someone who can’t speak.

Before you complain about the taste of your food – Think of someone who has nothing to eat.

Before you complain about your husband or wife – Think of someone who’s crying out to GOD for a companion.

Today before you complain about life – Think of someone who went too early to heaven.

Before whining about the distance you drive Think of someone who walks the same distance with their feet.

And when you are tired and complain about your job – Think of the unemployed, the disabled, and those who wish they had your job.

And when depressing thoughts seem to get you down – Put a smile on your face and think: you’re alive and still around.

How to live to be 100:

Live to be 99 and then be very careful.

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed.

As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said “I wish you could talk.”

The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.

“You can understand what I’m saying?” asked the officer.

Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.

“Well, did you see this?”

“Yes,” motioned the monkey.

“What happened?”

The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.

“They were drinking?” asked the officer.

“Yes.”

“What else?”

The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.

“They were smoking marijuana?”

“Yes.”

“Now wait, you’re saying your owners were drinking, and smoking marijuana before they wrecked.”

“Yes.”

“What were you doing during all this?”

“Driving” motioned the monkey.

And that my friends is it for this really, really long issue.  My last two things I’m thankful for are the blessings that I’ve received for doing this for so long.  Laughter and happiness.  We need that in our lives to get through and thanks to you guys I have that virtually every day.  Thanks for staying on this journey with me and, God willing, we’ll stay on this journey for many more years to come.

May you all have a joy filled Thanksgiving holiday.  Pray for those who can’t be with the ones they love on this day.  And may your day be filled with love.

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5 Responses to Dragon Laffs #2104

  1. Maggie says:

    As I am reading this on Friday, I hope that you and Izzy had a Blessed and Peaceful Thanksgiving. I absolutely loved the Gov Pipe story, I have worked with pipe so to me it was really funny. All the vest to you and Izzy
    Maggie

  2. Stephanie says:

    Have a wonderful Thanksgiving. Whenever the devil starts telling you what you are missing, give praise for what you have.
    Love you.

  3. Leah D says:

    Have you ever had a special spot you felt like was yours alone. Somewhere you can get away from it all for a little while, enough to put the stiff in your backbone and carry on?
    Dragon Laffs has always been that for me.
    Thankful for you preserving, through all your toil and trouble.

  4. Kris says:

    I hope you have a happy Thanksgiving. You & Izzy will be in my prayers today.

  5. Tom Harlander says:

    I’m thankful for you taking the time to entertain the rest of us, and for being here to enjoy what you are doing for all of us. God Bless You and keep you in His hands.

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