Dragon Laffs #2102


Okay, so I’ve had a couple of comments from some fellow campers and people that I trust (Hiya Hank and Maggie!), that parts of some of the episodes have been difficult to read.  I’m pretty sure that I know what has happened and I’m going to fix it with this issue.  But my request to you guys is that if you notice stuff like that, let me know … and the comments section is the best place to do that because I will see that the fastest.  

Now, keep in mind that a lot of it will depend on what kind of device you are reading this on and whether or not you are actually going to the website to read or just getting it in an email.  For the best experience, every Monday, Thursday and Saturday morning … OR … when you get notified that there is a new issue you go to dragonlaffs.com http://dragonlaffs.com and read there.  But I know that a lot of you are like me and have your favorite tablet or whatever that you do your stuff on and you have habits that you stick to.  And I feel pretty sure that some of you are out there trying to read those big ass cartoons on a little bitty phone screen.

All I can say to that is, “Good Luck!”

Anyway, like I said, if you see something, say something.  Other than that, let’s get this party started!

A little girl asked her mother, “Can I go outside and play with the boys?”

Her mother replied, “No, you can’t play with the boys, they’re too rough.”

The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, “If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?”

Three old guys are sitting on a porch in Miami

Suddenly the first sighs and says, “Gentlemen, isn’t life horrible.  Here I am at an age that I can afford the best steaks and what?  Bad teeth and gums.  I have to eat ground or soft foods.”

The second answers, “Yeah, life is a real bummer.  Why, here I am at an age where I can buy the finest wines, champagne, but what?  Ulcers!  I have to drink milk.”

The third sighs loudly and adds, “Gentlemen, I know exactly what you mean.  Last night at 2 am I nudged my wife and asked her if she’s interested.  She screams at me, “What’s wrong with you dear?  We just got finished doing it for the second time tonight!”

After a long pause the first man says, “So what is your problem?”

The third one grunts and says, “Can’t you see?  My memory is going.”

Church Bloopers

  • The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
  • The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water.  The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.
  • Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale.  It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house.  Bring your husbands.
  • Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.  Smile at someone who is hard to love.  Say ‘Hell’ to someone who doesn’t care much about you.
  • Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.
  • Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
  • For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs
  • Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir.  They need all the help they can get.
  • Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.  So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
  • A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.  Music will follow.
  • At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’  Come early and listen to our choir practice.
  • Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
  • Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.  Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
  • The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
  • Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.
  • The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.  They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
  • This evening at 7 PMthere will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church.  Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
  • Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM.  All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
  • The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
  • Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.  Please use the back door.
  • The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM.  The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
  • Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.  Please use large double door at the side entrance.
  • The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday:  ” I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.” 

“And then what happened?”
“Well, me and the boys, flew over the next village and burned THAT one …”

Thirty Lines To Make You Smile

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn’t.

2.. I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

4  Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6.. Don’t take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

7. You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

8.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

10.. I’m not a complete idiot — Some parts are missing.

11.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

12.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

13.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

15.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

16.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

17.. Being “over the hill” is much better than being under it!

18 Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I grew up.

19.. Procrastinate Now!

20  I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With that?

21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

22. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

24.They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

25..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

26..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

27..Ham and eggs. A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

28.. The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

29 The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

30 I smile because I don’t know what the heck is going on.

Three Reform Rabbis were in a terrible auto wreck. None survived.

One minute they were driving along the highway, talking and laughing and joking, and the next, BOOM! they were before the Creator of all. Shaking his head, The Omnipotent One looks at the three. “Reform I can understand. But where will it end?

You! Goldblum! The ashtrays in your temple so My people could smoke while the Torah was being read???”

Goldblum shuddered.

God went on. “I can live with that. Men are weak, but the Word is strong!” Goldblum sighed with relief.

“Bauman! Really, I can accept My people need to eat, but really: serving Ham Sandwiches to the devout at the temple during Yom Kippur?”

Bauman hung his head in shame.

“Even that I can allow to pass, even with the eating of that which is not Kosher. I’m not pleased at all with the playing fast and loose with my people, but I can accept these indiscretions.” Bauman also heaved a sigh of relief.

Finally, He turns to the third rabbi and says, “You, Rabinowitz, have gone too far! Am I asking too much? No, you flaunt the world at Me, even on the holiest days of Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur by putting out a sign saying…. “Closed for the Holidays !!!”

Teddy came thundering down the stairs, much to his father’s annoyance.

“Teddy,” he called, “how many more times have I got to tell you to come downstairs quietly? Now, go back upstairs and come down like a civilized human being.”

There was a silence, and Teddy reappeared in the front room.

“That’s better,” said his father, “now in future will you always come down stairs like that.”

“Suits me,” said Teddy. “I slid down the railing.”

Sometimes, it’s easier to just work it out in the ring!

Tom’s new wife wasn’t very attractive, but he was no oil-painting, either.

After the wedding ceremony, Tom asked the pastor how much the cost was.

“Just give me what you think it is worth to have this lady for your wife,” replied the Reverend.

Tom looked at his wife, and handed the pastor $50.

The pastor looked at Tom’s wife and gave him $42 in change.

A man who was buying a sports shirt found the largest size too snug.

“Where do I go from here?” he asked the svelte young woman who was helping him.

“To the gym,” she replied.

The Top 5 Indications That Military Intelligence May Be Suspect

 5 Latest high-definition satellite photos of the insurgent stronghold Samarra show clearly-defined subdivisions of Main Street, Fantasyland, Tomorrowland, Adventureland, Frontierland and New Orleans Square. 

 4 They report “increased dental chatter” during periods of very cold weather. 

 3 Recon photos of alleged foreign operative “Jaylo Butay” are regularly found in insecure locations such as bathrooms and barracks. 

 2 Hidden somewhere in every report: “olin-Cay owell-Pay is an ussy-pay.” 

 1 The latest U.N. weapons inspectors’ discovery confirms military intelligence’s worst fear: oxymoronium. 

The trick to successful dating is learning how to interpret the hidden signs, those tiny give away gestures that can tell you so much about a person. Train yourself to recognize these key “signs.” 

1. Man gets in car without opening door for woman.
– No foreplay.

2. Can’t hail a cab.
– Impotent.

3. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant.
– Prefers virgins.

4. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant, but gets lost on the way. 
– He is a virgin.

5. Wants to go to a French Restaurant.
– Will swallow.

6. Takes too long deciding what to order.
– Has trouble reaching orgasm.

7. Insists on ordering for you, saying, “The lady will have…” 
– Thinks you had an orgasm when you didn’t.

8. Asks for “the usual”
– Insists on missionary position only.

9. Asks what the specials are.
– Will want you to use handcuffs.

10. Fills up on bread and crackers. 
– Premature ejaculator.

11. Drinks decaf.
– Fakes orgasms.

12. Asks for detailed descriptions of desserts.
– Needs you to talk dirty during sex.

13. Credit card is refused.
– Low sperm count. 

14. Under tips waiter.
– Small penis.

15. Uses toothpick.
– Is trying to tell you size isn’t everything. 

The new hooker just finished her first trick. When she came back down to the street, the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details. 

She said “well, he was a big muscular and handsome marine”. 

“Well, what did he want to do?” they all asked. 

She said ” I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he didn’t have that much”. 

“So I told him that oral sex would be $75, but he didn’t have that much either”. 

“Finally I said, well, how much do you have”? 

The marine said that he only had $25. 

The new hooker said “well, for $25 all I can do is service you by hand” 

He agreed and after getting the finances straight, she said “he pulled it out and I put one hand on it, and then the second hand above the first and then the first hand above the second hand…” 

“Oh my god” they all exclaimed, “it must have been huge, then what did you do?” 

“I loaned him $75!” she said. 

Q: What is the similarity between a video recorder and a man?

A: They go forwards, backwards, forwards, and backwards, stop and eject!

You cannot raise your children the way your parents raised you.  Because your parents raised you for a world that no longer exists.

How often should I plan to have sex? The young bridegroom asked his grandfather on his wedding night. 

Grandpa said, When you’re first married, you want it all the time, Maybe several times a day. 

Later on, sex tapers and you have it maybe once a week or so.  Then, as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. 

When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year maybe on your anniversary. 

Well, how about you and grandma now?  The younger man asked. 

Grandpa replied, Oh, we just have oral sex now.  

What’s oral sex? The young bridegroom asked. 

Well, said Grandpa, She goes to bed in her bedroom, I go to bed in my bedroom. She yells, SCREW YOU, and I holler back, SCREW YOU TOO. 

Tombstones

On Margaret Daniels grave at Hollywood Cemetery Richmond, Virginia:

She always said her feet were killing her
but nobody believed her.

A manager is told by his doctor that he has to take on some sport so he decides to play tennis. After a couple of weeks his secretary asks him how he’s doing.

“It’s going fine”, the manager says, “When I’m on the court and I see the ball speeding towards me my brain immediately says: “To the corner! Back hand! To the net! Smash! Go back!”

“Really? What happens then?” the girl asks all enthusiastic.

“Then my body says: Who? Me? Don’t talk nonsense!”

Seriously?

The telephone lineman had been out drinking the night before, and the next day he went to work not feeling too good.

He climbed to the top of the first pole and as he took his pliers out to repair the wire he dropped them. He had to climb all the way down to retrieve them. As he got to the bottom of the pole and was picking up his pliers, a small boy who was standing there said, “My daddy is a lineman too and he would have had two pair of pliers, so he wouldn’t have to climb down the pole if he dropped one of them”.

The lineman tied to ignore the boy and climbed back up the pole very slowly. About his time he needed a hammer to drive in a large nail. As he was taking it out, it slipped and fell to the ground. Again he had to climb down the pole to retrieve it. So he slowly climbed down the pole and sure enough the little boy was still standing there. He said, “My daddy is a lineman too and he would have carried two hammers so if he had lost one he wouldn’t have to climb down”.

This irritated the lineman, but he ignored the boy and climbed back up the pole to finish his work. He was no sooner up the pole when he had to go to the bathroom, so down he climbs from the pole and goes over to the bushes to take a leak. As he was relieving himself he saw the little boy watching him through the bushes.

He’d had it with this kid so he says to him, “I’ll bet your dad doesn’t have two of these, does he?”

The boy replied, “No, but his would make two of yours”.

And with that nicely ironic signs, we’re going to call it a day.  I hope you guys had as much fun reading this one as I had writing it.  Love and Happiness to you all until we meet again.

This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Dragon Laffs #2102

  1. Leah D says:

    Years ago, we told our youngest daughter our huge dining table goes to her because she had the most (6) kids.
    I retired from doing the big Thanksgiving dinner, back when I turned 70.
    My daughter’s mother-in-law died a couple of months ago, which made her realize she had no place to go for Thanksgiving, and decided she needed to start doing it for her kids and grandkids now.
    She took measurements, decided where they were going to put the table, and made plans to come and get it.
    Then she realized she can’t do dinner at her house, because she has three cats and four family members that are allergic to cats.
    She asked if she did all the work, could they have Thanksgiving dinner here?
    Now here’s the problem: I woke up sick.

  2. Maggie says:

    Impish
    thank you for adjusting the web page. I read it from the link in the email. I use a 10 inch netbook, so can’t do much changing of display. I live in a nursing home and am bedridden. Fortunately I am very computer literate, but there is only so much I can do with this netbook. I appreciate all your hard work and do THANK YOU very much for your service. Say HI to IZZY and that I wish both of you a good Thanksgiving.
    Maggie

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s