ATTENTION!  ATTENTION!  IN EARLY MORNING BREAKING NEWS!  WELL KNOWN MYTHICAL CREATURE AND PATRIOTIC CONSERVATIVE RADICAL COMMENTATOR IMPISH DRAGON TO PURCHASE TWITTER FOR AN UNDISCLOSED SUM!

WELL KNOWN REPUBLICAN, RACIST DRAGON, A REAL BOMB-THROWING RADICAL WAS OVERHEARD PROCLAIMING HIS PLANS TO RUN FOR POLITICAL OFFICE.  NOT FIT TO BE ELECTED TO DOG CATCHER, THIS DRAGON SHOULD BE JAILED AND … What’s that noise outside?  Cut the mic!  What’s going on?  OH MY G—————————-

So, you guys may hear about some … non-news stories about me in the near future.  Let me assure you that they are nothing.  As my New Jersey brethren would say, “Don’t worry about it.”  People talk.  And when they don’t have anything real to talk about, they make stuff up.  You know we must be rattling cages and getting under people’s skin when they start attacking back with the lame-stream media.  So, my plans, are to get even further under their skins and to encourage each and every one of you to do the exact same thing.  And of course, to get out there and VOTE! 

And before we do that…let’s do this…

Here’s another oldie, but goodie from Joe…

A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin. 

“Listen to this,” he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. “It says I’m energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover.” 

“Yeah,” his wife nodded, “and it has your weight wrong, too.” 

The catholic priest in a small town had become very perturbed, and he decided to lay it on the line to the congregation. 

“Brothers and sisters,” he said solemnly. “It has come to my attention that immorality is rampant in our fair town. To be specific, it is being said there is not one virgin left. This vile lie must and shall be refuted. In order to do so, I ask every virgin in the congregation to rise.” 

Not a woman stirred. “I understand the modesty that would make a young lady hesitate to announce her condition publicly,” the priest intoned. “But it is necessary to do so. Young women, I ask those who are truly virgins to rise.” 

And still not a woman stirred. 

Wrath now moved the priest. “Will you, for the fear of experiencing a small shame, incur a great one? 

I ask you in the name of Mother Mary herself. Let all virgins stand!” 

And as his thunderous tones died away, a young lady, far in the rear, with a baby in her arms, rose bashfully. 

The preacher stared with astonishment at her. “Young woman, I have asked for virgins to stand.” 

“Father,” the young lady answered indignantly, “do you really expect this six-month-old child to stand by herself?”

The stockbroker was nervous about being in prison because his cell mate looked like a real thug. 

“Don’t worry,” the gruff looking fellow said, “I’m in here for a white collar crime too.” 

“Well, that’s a relief.” sighed the stockbroker.  “I was sent to prison for fraud and insider trading.” 

“Oh nothing fancy like that for me.” grinned the convict.  “I just killed a couple of Priests.” 

Trust me, it’s an important picture.

Me:  Do you shower after sex?

Co-worker:  Yeah, of course I do!

Me:  Well, how about getting laid a little more often then!

A different version of you exists in the minds of everyone who knows you.

The person you think of as “yourself” exists only for you, and even you don’t really know who that is.  Every person you meet, have a relationship with or make eye contact on the street with, creates a version of “you” in their heads.  You’re not the same person to your mom, your dad, your siblings, than you are to your co-workers, your neighbors or your friends.  There are a thousand different versions of yourself out there, in people’s minds.  A “you” exists in each version, and yet your “you”, “yourself”, isn’t really a “someone” at all.

Sometimes, all you need is for someone just to be there, even if they can’t solve your problems.  Just knowing there is someone who cares can make all the difference.

And that is the WHOLE theory behind the Grief Group that I started on base.

This is Sally.  One of the personal aids to one of the executives at Dragon Laffs, Inc.  Sally has a very difficult commute to work every day.

And now we get an oldie, but goodie from Stephanie…

An airplane full of a shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa had a malfunction, and went down. A few weeks later, Pepsi Company sent a rescue plane. They searched the area and found a tribe of cannibals.

They walked up to the Chief of the tribe and asked him if he knew anything about the crash.

The Chief said, “Yeah.” When asked where the crew was, the Chief replied, “We ate the crew, and we drank the Pepsi.”

The rescue crew was shocked. One man asked, “Did you eat their legs?”

The chief replied, “We ate their legs, and we drank the Pepsi”

Another rescuer asked, “Did you eat their arms?”

The Chief said, “We ate their arms, and we drank the Pepsi.”

After looking totally perplexed for a minute, a third asked, “Did you.. you know…eat their…’things’??”

The chief says, “No.”

“No?” asked the rescuer.

“No,” replied the Chief, “THINGS go better with Coke.”

Three visitors to London climb up the tower that houses Big Ben and decide to have a contest.

They’re going to throw their watches off the top, run down the stairs and try to catch the watches before they hit the ground.

The first tourist throws his watch, takes three steps and hears his watch crash.

The second throws his watch and takes only two steps when he hears his watch shatter.

The third tosses his watch off the tower, jogs down the stairs, goes to a candy store, buys a snack, walks back to Big Ben and catches his watch.

“How did you do that?” asks one of his friends.

“My watch is 30 minutes slow.”

Almost every hand you’ve shaken has touched a penis.

Think about that for a second…

When things seem especially rough, just ask yourself, “Did I crap my pants today?” and if the answer is no, you’re doing alright.

I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home.  She smiled at me and said yes. 

The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.

This one understands it very clearly.

And that’s where we have to call it a night for tonight.  May you be blessed with happiness and love until we meet again.