Dragon Laffs #1865


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Good Morning Campers,

Well, it’s the weekend … although, you guys are reading this on Monday, I’m writing this over the weekend.  A weekend where I am quarantined and restricted to my house.  Limited to sitting in my easy chair, confined to watching 405my TV, constrained to drinking my coffee in the morning and my whiskey in the evening, restrained to eating my food, in the restrictions of my home, while I talk to you guys on the computer… MAN!  IT DOESN’T GET ANY BETTER THAN THIS!!!

Now, of course you know I’m kidding.  Poking a little fun at the people who really are quarantined under much worse conditions than your favorite dragon is.  So … now I feel bad… like a real heel … not really. 

How about we all go out and find something to laugh about, shall we?

Let's Laugh

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Another oldie but goodie…

A guy wants a divorce.  He tells the judge, “I just can’t take it anymore.  Every night she’s out until way after midnight, just going from bar to bar.”

The judge asks, “What’s she doing?”

The guy answers, “Looking for me.”

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Whenever I feel blue I start breathing again.

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I spotted a lizard on a portable toilet.  I suspect it was a

commode-o-dragon.

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I’ve been kidnapped by Mimes … they did unspeakable things to me!

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I got Itt that gig.  It was supposed to be Witness Protection.  That’s the only time his face was ever seen.

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IRONY

The opposite of WRINKLY

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Snails are everywhere …

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Lynn sends us some Punny Chuckles:

Did you hear the joke about brooms?  It’s sweeping the nation.

I’ve started investing in stocks:  beef, chicken, and vegetable … One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

Crustaceans don’t just get electrocuted … they get shell shocked.

Got takeout at an expensive Chinese restaurant.  Must have dropped my cookie on the way out.  I lost a fortune there.

Why does the Norway Navy have bar codes on the side of their ships?
Why?
So when they come back to port the can Scandinavian.

BREAKING NEWS:  Insurance companies are warning campers – if your tent is stolen during the night you won’t be covered.

An invisible man and invisible woman married.  I’m not sure what they saw in each other.  Their kids were nothing to look at, either.

My friend composes songs about sewing machines.  He’s a Singer songwriter or sew it seams.

If I’m the night guard at the Samsung store, does that make me a … guardian of the galaxy?

There once was a king who was just 12 inches tall.  He was a terrible king but made a great ruler.

I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole the limbo stick.  Seriously, how low can you go.

ashamed2

Those were terrible…but you see why I had to print them anyway, right?

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Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.

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Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself …

where the fuck is the ceiling?

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dragon pix

2008 06 24 03

High School Prom Picture

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Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Adelaide, Australia. Cops spotted our bozo driving without lights on around 2 am. Further inspection of the vehicle found that he had painted over the license plate and had hand painted new numbers on the plate. He also added a helpful phrase at the bottom of the license tag. It read, “Not Stolen OK”. Well, we’re glad to know that. He’s busted! Charged with driving without a license, driving at night without lights and driving with a defaced license plate.

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The voices in my head talk about me like I’m not even there…

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Fantasy

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And of course the Prom King and Queen

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Husband asks his wife, “Why don’t you tell me when you orgasm?”

She replies, “Because I don’t like calling you at work.”

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politicians

This one is huge … funny, how I keep getting lots and lots of political memes and comments.  If Biden is such a popular president, you’d think all this stuff would stop.

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Why would you have to impeach a President that lost?  Unless, of course, he didn’t.  The you’d have silence him.  Oh, wait …

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Accepting Biden is the same thing as teaching your children that it’s okay to lie, cheat, and steal.

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Imagine being a Democrat and having to pretend, every day, that Joe Biden is competent, Hillary Clinton was innocent, and Barack Obama did a good job.  How difficult that must be just to keep a straight face.

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There’s a nationwide manhunt for those who stormed the U.S. Capitol.  That’s probably a good thing.  My question is this:  Why is there no nationwide manhunt for the people who burned and looted Seattle and Portland for over 150 days?  Why no manhunt for the people who burned down the federal buildings?  Why no nationwide manhunt for people who burned down churches?  Why no manhunt for people who threw Molotov cocktails, chemical irritants, and explosives at police officers?  Why no manhunt for people who pull down and topple statues?  Why no manhunt for people who looted and burned private businesses?  Why no manhunt for people who brutally attacked elderly people merely for trying to defend their livelihood?  Why no manhunt for people who brutally attacked people for no reason whatsoever?  And why no media coverage of the fact that there is no manhunt and the disparity?  Why is no one asking the fucking questions?

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Hot damn!  Where did all the Biden supporters go?!?  Why ain’t you guys talking about all the great stuff he is doing?!?  Where’d you all go?!?

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Instead of donating his salary, Biden is going to donate mine and yours.

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I’d much rather be a conspiracy theorist and question everything vs. a sheep that blindly accepts the Bull Shit we’re being sold.

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“America does not need to see the tax returns of a billionaire who became a public servant … America needs to see the tax returns of public servants who became millionaires while being public servants.”

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John Kerry as “Climate Czar”?  Are you fucking kidding me?  You do realize he’s the moron with 5 houses, 12 cars, 2 yachts, and a private jet.  He’s got the carbon footprint of a town in New Jersey!  And he’s telling YOU that YOU should take the bus, don’t eat meat, use electric cars, and to just “find another job” if you work in the oil and gas industry.  And you guys are seriously buying the hypocrisy and bullshit?2b2a

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All my friends who support Biden must have unfriended me.  I don’t see any posts of them bragging about what a great job he’s been doing?

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Pace yourself Joe.  You have 4 years.  You don’t have to destroy our country in your first week.

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If you believe that Joe Biden, who lost two attempted presidential runs, then on his third attempt, hid in his basement and refused to campaign, got the most votes in history … you’re way too stupid to argue with. ~ William Layne

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So … let me get this straight …
We have a President with dementia.
An ex-call-girl for Vice-President.
A transvestite over our Health and Human Services.
A crack-head’s buddy is the head of the DEA and Hunter’s other buddy is now in the Department of Justice.
The guy who was sleeping with the Chinese SPY is with our Homeland Security.
We are borrowing all of our money now from China.
Hundreds of thousands of immigrants are coming in for OUR jobs and Social Security Benefits.
AND … They are still focusing on impeaching a President that’s not in office anymore!
Add this in with the 40,000 jobs lost in the first week.
And yet, we’re supposed to believe that Biden is Pro-America???

YOU CAN’T MAKE THIS SHIT UP, PEOPLE!!!

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And yet our country continues to treat our Veterans like crap … they are more concerned with illegal aliens and foreign abortions then they are about men and women who have served our country.  Until THAT changes, this country will continue to deteriorate. ~ Impish Dragon

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Now that the rainbow flag can be flown on government property, I want to start seeing crosses put back where they’ve been removed, the Ten Commandments put back in courtrooms, ant the Bible back in schools.

Yeah, right!  And I want to see Area-51 open for tours! ~ I.D.

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Call me crazy, but we should probably open U.S. restaurants before U.S. borders…

Told you it was going to be a long one.  Lots of people out there with lots to say!

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public

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Just a friendly reminder that, in this cold weather, leaving carbonated drinks in your car overnight usually doesn’t end well.

OPTIMIST:

Someone who figures that taking a step backward after taking a step forward is n ot a disaster, it’s more like a Cha-Cha.

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I’m still tired from yesterday’s tired.

Today isn’t looking so good.

And I’ve already used up tomorrow’s tired.

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Having a dirty mind makes ordinary conversations much more interesting.  And should make it a little easier to spot “it” in the picture above.

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motivational

AntiTank Missile

any Caption

any dad

Any Landing

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Apology

Appearances

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apple

Appreciation

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“I love it wet, juicy, and in a nice pink/red color.  Sometimes it gets the hands sticky, but I don’t mind.  Watermelon is amazing.”

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Now that’s certainly clear enough.

3c

This is already a huge issue, so let’s make it a bit bigger…with some mail!

Leah D


My sister was born on the 12th, Lincoln’s birthday. I was supposed to be born on the 22nd, Washington’s, (but you know me, I don’t take orders well), so I was born right after it flipped to 23.
As kids, we loved it because we always got our birthdays off (yes, I celebrated mine a day early). Then in 1971, they put both days into one, and moved it to a Monday. By that time, I was married, and had 3 kids, liked having another 3day weekend.
Anyway, I remember when I was 11, my birthday party was at the movie theatre, and I felt like a baseball player, sliding into base for a home run, when I could still pay the “kids’ price. The next day, I stepped into “adulthood” at 12 years of age.

Yeah, “adulthood” at 12.  Isn’t it amazing.  Now we call adulthood so many different things.  The democrats want to give the vote to 16 year-olds because they say they should have a voice in things that affect them, when we all know that it’s only because they know that 16 year-olds are still stupid and stupid people vote democrat.  Legally at this point you are an adult when you are 18, you can vote, move out on your own, sign a contract, do all these things without your parents permission, even join the military and defend your nation, but you can’t drink alcohol or buy tobacco.  And scientists have said that our brains don’t fully develop until at least age 25, so shouldn’t age 25 be adulthood?  Do we really want people with underdeveloped brains voting and making decisions that effect all our lives?  For that matter, if you must be 35 to be President … should you be 35 in order to vote?  We could, indeed make a case for that.  Adulthood is different for different people.  I’ve sworn to my wife to NOT be an adult, until such time as it is time to be an adult.  And then I adult really well.  But, I sure as hell know that it’s not a 16 year-old given the vote.  THAT’S a mistake of gigantic proportions.

Alan F

Loved the Blazing Saddles reference!

Thanks Alan.  There’s an awful lot we can learn from that beloved old movie.

Dave

It’s a good thing you only had to self-identify at work. Just think . . .you could have had to self-quarantine. Hopefully, you didn’t have to get the Asian covid test. You wouldn’t be able to sit during your time off.

As you probably know by now, Dave.  I am in the middle of a self quarantine.  And working from home.  And I am quite glad that we are not doing the Asian testing … I haven’t had to drop my drawers in public in quite some time …

Marsha M

I feel your pain. Here in Missouri below freezing day 11, snow 10 to 12 inches and just for fun we had ice storm 1st. Poor AWD car will not go up driveway. It is 1/4 mile nearly straight up. Ice melt and salt are laughing at us. Snow plows are busy in town on main roads and all around us they have decided to do rolling blackouts. Glad I live on a farm built in 1900 before all the modern stuff was invented. Wood heat does not shut off unless you fall asleep. Pipes do not freeze if you leave water dripping or small stream I guess they had this green new deal way before we knew about it. We depend on sun to warm the road to melt the snow and the wind to dry it. 60 degrees in kitchen before I made bread, -20 out so what doesn’t kill me makes me stronger. Have not been to store in a week…so practice run was a success. Only thing not able to do is work, but needed time off to quilt….clean, watch old movies…rest these old bones…I’m sure there will be plenty when this is done. Stay warm..vitamin D3 to ward off further testing…store bought or 15 min of sun…..stay safe.

Marsha, dear, sounds to this old dragon, like you have it all figured out!  The smell of fresh baking bread on a cold day … oh my … I’m salivating just thinking about it!  We’re supposed to have a slight warm-up this week.  All the way up to maybe 40 degrees.  Should start melting some of this stuff off.

Larry S

I loved the video tour of the ISS! Very interesting and informative.

I agree Larry!  I was enthralled.  I am not claustrophobic at all, but I found myself feeling that way watching portions of that video when she had to squeeze past places in the space station.  Just wow!

And finally:

Leah D

Since I turn 73 on Tuesday, I stole the white privilege card ad to post on my FB page. I’ll let you know how many food stamps were offered for it.

Happy Birthday Leah!  And yes, please let us know.

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This bloke said to me, “I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.”  I said, “Is that a fret?”

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Ouch!!!

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So, I said to the gym instructor, “Can you teach me to do the splits?”

He said, “How flexible are you?”

I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays.”

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That’s it for today my friends.

Cheers,

Impish Dragon

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3 Responses to Dragon Laffs #1865

  1. Dave says:

    The arithmetic Job interview
    ITALIAN ARITHMETIC:
    An Italian workman wants a job, but the foreman won’t hire him until he passes a little math test… “Here’s your first question”, the foreman said. “Without using numbers, represent the number 9”. “Without a numbers”?, the Italian says, “Datsa easy”, and he proceeds to draw three trees. “What’s this”? the boss asks.
    “Ave you gota no brain?
    Tree and tree and tree makes a nine”, says the Italian.
    “Fair enough”, says the boss. Here’s your second question. “Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99”.
    The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree . “Ere you go”.
    The boss scratches his head and says, “How on earth do you get that to represent 99”?’
    “Eacha of da trees is a dirty now. So, it’s dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Datsa a 99”.
    The boss is getting worried that he’s going to actually have to hire this Italian, so he says, “All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100”.
    The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, “Ere you go, One hundred”.
    The boss looks at the attempt. “You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred”!
    The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, “A little doga come along and shita by eacha tree. So now you gota dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirtytree and a turd, data makea one hundred. So, whenna I start”?

  2. Stephanie says:

    If need be, I can attest that I was around you a week after you are off quarenteen and say I have COVID. If our government doesnt have to tell the truth…….
    Of course I must get approval from Mrs. Dragon.

  3. Sasquatch says:

    I was tired yesterday, I’m tired again today…. I guess I’m re tired.

    My lady came in while I was kicked back in my recliner. She asked me what the Hell I was doing. I told her “nothing nothing at all” She told me that’s what I did all weekend. I told her “I know, but I’m not finished yet.”

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