Dragon Laffs #1852


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Good Morning

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Well, it’s Thursday, and we’ve made it through most of another week…at least at this point I’m assuming we have made it through most of another week, since I’ve actually started writing this on Sunday afternoon.  So, really, I’m only guessing. 

Lets laugh

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Yeah, just ‘cause it’s a cool picture.  Sometimes, that’s all the reason that’s needed.

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“Um… NASA, we’ve got a problem.”

As a professional caregiver, I help invalids and elderly people with their housework.  One day I remarked to an elderly couple that there never seemed to be any dust in their house.

“No,” replied the husband, sadly, “we don’t move fast enough to stir any up.”

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Obviously written by a police officer:  Unless you’ve been a cop all alone with a suspect in the middle of the night in a fight for your life and you’re being punched, kicked, bit, and you’re exhausted … you’re opinion on police use of force means very little to me.  And as a dispatcher who’s had to listen to intermittent radio transmissions of the same and had to sit there and been able to do nothing but try to send help, I agree 100%.  I don’t even want to HEAR your opinion.

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Why are armed citizens standing guard over their property called “vigilantes” but rioting anarchists called “peaceful protesters”?  And actual peaceful Protesters called a “rioting mob”?

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In my next life I’m coming back with money and looks instead of all this sparkling personality bullshit

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Dragon Pix

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“My precious …”

Even as a youngster, I was a good actor.

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Someone asked the other day,,,,,,,,,,,,,

‘What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up ?’

‘We didn’t have fast food when I was growing up,’  I informed him,  ‘All the food was slow.’

‘C’mon, seriously. Where did you eat?’

‘It was a place called home,’ I explained!

‘Mom cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn’t like what she put on my plate, I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.’

By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn’t tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table.

Here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it:

Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis, set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card.

My parents never drove me to school. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow) .

We didn’t have a television in our house until I was 10. It was, of course, black and white, and the station went off the air at 11, after playing the national anthem and a poem about God. It came back on the air at about 6 a.m. And there was usually a locally produced news and farm show on, featuring local people 

I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn’t know weren’t already using the line.

Pizzas were not delivered to our home… But milk was and so was bread.

All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers —   my brother delivered a newspaper, six days a week. He had to get up at   5 AM   every morning.

If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just don’t blame me if they bust their gut laughing   .

Growing up isn’t what it used to be, is it?

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MEMORIES   :

My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother’s house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to ‘sprinkle’ clothes with because we didn’t have steam irons. Man, I am old   .

How many do you remember?
-Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.
-Ignition switches on the dashboard.
-Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
-Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
-Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.

Older Than Dirt Quiz:
Count all the ones that you remember, NOT  the ones you were told about!
Ratings at the bottom.

1. Candy cigarettes
2. Coffee shops with tableside juke boxes
3. Home milk delivery in glass bottles
4. Party lines on the telephones
5. Newsreels before the movie
6. TV  test patterns that came on at night after the last show and were there until TV shows started again in the morning. (there were only 3 channels!! If you had a TV!!
7. Pea-shooters
8. Howdy Doody
9. 45 RPM records
10. 78 rpm records
11. Hi-fi records 33 1/3 rpm
12. Metal ice trays with lever
13. Blue flashbulb
14. Cork popguns
15. Studebakers
16. Wash tub wringers


If you remembered 0-3 = You’re still young
If you remembered 3-6 = You are getting older
If you remembered 7-10 = Don’t tell your age, and
If you remembered 11-16   =   You’re older than dirt!!!
I might be older than dirt but those memories are some of the best parts of my life.

Okay, … yeah … I’m older than dirt.

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Fantasy

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Linda plays on our company’s Lacrosse team.  Here she is during last year’s final.  And I’ll tell you, there’s none of that bullshit kneeling before one of their matches.  Although there is a ritual sacrifice to the gods… usually a local politician.

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Damn!  It’s cold outside!

This next one is truly awesome that the establishment is willing to take care of it’s patrons this way.  This is not the only sign that I have seen like this…

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And our dear Stephanie has compiled another great list for us …

Things you learn in Porn films

1. Women wear high heels to bed.

2. Men are never impotent.

3. When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.

4. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.

5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm.

6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.

7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.

8. Women always orgasm when men do.

9. A blowjob will always get a woman off a speeding ticket.

10. All women are noisy when rooting.

11. People in the 70’s couldn’t shag unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background.

12. Those tits are real.

13. A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman’s butt.

14. Men always groan “OH YEAH!” when they cum. If there is two of them they “high five” each other. (and the girl isn’t disgusted!)

I’m really curious what happened to #15…

16. Double penetration makes women smile.


17. Asian men don’t exist.

18. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes, the boyfriend won’t bash seven shades of shit out of you if you shove your cock in his girlfriend’s mouth.

19. There’s a plot.

20. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a woman by giving her a gentle slap on the butt.

21. Nurses suck patients cocks.

22. Men always pull out.

23. When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she’ll only be momentarily pissed off before fucking the both of you.

24. Women never have headaches… or periods.

25. When a woman is sucking a man’s cock, it’s important for him to remind her to “suck it”.

26. Arseholes are clean.

27. A man ejaculating on a woman’s butt is a satisfying result for all parties concerned.

28. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man’s trousers and find a cock there.

29. Men don’t have to beg.

30. When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman’s head and the other proudly on his hip.

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Viagra Commercial

The guy comes home, he’s rushing around, he’s cleaning the house, he’s cooking dinner, he’s setting the table, he’s putting flowers and candles out before his wife gets home.

Don’t you think that most women watching that commercial say, “The hell with the sex. Where can I get a pill to make my husband to do all of that?”

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Political

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Feel like that last one ought to be a header at the top of blog somewhere.

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No shit.  There are a million plus Vets that just said, “Fuck you, lady” at the same time.

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AMEN!!!  To these athletes thinking we are listening to them:  IF I WANTED ADVICE FROM SOMEONE WHO CHASES A BALL, I’D ASK MY DOG. 

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And one of my absolute favorite and most honest ones…

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And if you don’t believe that those two are two of the biggest racist to walk the face of the earth … than you ain’t payin’ attention, Jack!

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An oldie but goodie …

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.  He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up tot the balding man and asks him what he is doing.  The mans says, “I’m sending out a thousand Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess Who?’”

“But why?” asks the man.

“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replies.

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Got this one …

Being a dragon, I am sure that you are aware of your chances of dating.

Three sisters were discussing their boy friend’s tattoos.

The oldest girl said that she loved her man’s three dragons on his chest. 

The middle one was impressed with her guy’s two dragons on his back.

The youngest sister said she adored her lover’s one dragin…… on the ground.

Have a great, safe day.

All the best.

Bill

Thanks Bill … Us dragons are known for our many wondrous things…

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Motivate

1st Rule of Marine Warfare

5.5 terrapixels

6 in. wide boner

9mm

10....9....8....7...

15 Seconds of fame

18th

18TimesTheSpeedOfLight

20 to Life

30mm cannons

44 Special

45 ACP

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Okay, here’s another one sent by our dear Stephanie … not sure where she gets them…but here it is:

Sorely Missed Victorian Slang:

8.  Gigglemug = Always Smiling

7.  Bitch The Pot = Pour the Tea

6.  Got The Morbs = Temporary Sadness

5.  Tight as a Boiled Owl = Drunk

4.  Poked Up = Embarrassed

3.  Sauce-box = The Mouth

2.  Cupid’s Kettle Drums = The Breasts (I especially like this one)

1.  Not Up To Dick = Unwell

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Aha!  I figured it out!  Stephanie is a witch!  She sent us one of her spells:

Rootin’, tootin’, toil n’ shootin’
Fire burn and cowboy bootin’
Eye of newt and spicy beans,
Toe of frog and denim jeans,
Whiskey, grits, n’ demon spittle
Tossed into my iron griddle
With the tannin’ of our hides,
Somethin’ wicked this way rides.

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Bought a head of lettuce from a small grocery store called Mommas and Papas.  Can’t eat it because all the leaves are brown.

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And again … if you don’t get it, you’re too young.

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from the Golden State…
The California Highway Patrol in the Los Angeles area recently found some amusement filling out accident reports in a series of car accidents. 
As it turned out, drivers were losing control and running into other vehicles upon seeing a giant female pussy displayed on the front part of an oncoming car.
The CHP started frantically looking for the dangerous mobile pubis and came upon the tracks of a young art student named Nelly Node. Nelly’s passion for the arts made the young woman photograph her own crotch and put the enlarged photo on her Volkswagen Beetle.
Nelly was preparing for her college course work in which she analyzed the art of design. She was proudly driving her ‘vaginal beetle’ until the CHP arrested the woman. The court ruled that Nelly’s car was creating a dangerous situation on the roads. The girl had to paint over her car’s hood.
Here’s a picture of her VW before she had to repaint it.
She, obviously, “Muffed” her chance at fame … Thank god it got “Snatched” off the road by the “Fuzz” before someone else had a needless “Crack” up…

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I’m so poor, I rub cologne from magazines on my shirt.  When people say, “Oh you smell good, what is that?”  I say, “Page 14.”

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Last Word

So, we’ve reached the end of another issue and I’ve purposely waited until the afternoon of the swearing in of Biden to write this.  Thankfully, there was no riot, or assassination attempt, or misfire by a misguided National Guardsman, or anything else of a million other things that could have gone wrong … at least as of 1700 hrs EST or that I’ve heard of.  There have been rumors of horrible things to come.  Biden has already said he’s going to dismantle so many wonderful things that President Trump put into place.  I hope we can survive the next four years.

Well, it probably won’t be four years of Biden.  I still stick by my prediction of Biden getting “sick” or “incapable of serving” or something and us having “president Harris and vice president Pelosi” or someone worse. 

They are going to come for our guns.  They are going to … at the least, stop work on the wall, if not tear it down.  Take away our tax breaks, and probably raise taxes on us poor slobs that are still working to pay for all the free shit that they are going to give to the ones too lazy to work.

Here’s what Hank had to say:

Hank H.

Your rants echo my thoughts precisely. I am within spitting distance of being 80. I worry my children, Grandchildren, and Great children will not live in the America I have loved.

I know Hank.  The same thoughts that I have.  I’m afraid that ship has already sailed.  Our kids are already not having the life that we had when we were kids and now, our grandkids may not have any kind of life at all.

And Stephanie adds:

Stephanie

In reply to Hank H

I have the same fear. Tried to tell my kids about it, they didn’t/don’t believe. God tells us to pray and He will heal our land. We need a revival.

My dearest Steph, I have prayed, we have prayed (I belong to a group) and I know many of you belong to groups and pray on your own.  I’m not saying that we should stop, but maybe all of this is part of God’s plan… or his punishment.  Before I get a million emails telling me God doesn’t punish, I know, I know … we are NOT going to start a religious debate here in Dragon Laffs because many of you will NOT be able to WITHSTAND THIS DRAGON’S BELIEFS.  So, let it be.  But, prayer at this point in time by all of you, and conversations with your Heavenly Father are not out of line.

And it wouldn’t be a comment section without hearing from our dear friend Leah …

Leah D

Trump is slated to be assassinated. Simply impeaching him, takes away what any retiring president receives. However, because of Former Presidents Act of 1958, he will still be protected by the Secret Service. That’s why Nancy is pushing for a vote of Treason, because then he wouldn’t be protected by them. Some say he is rich, he will hire his own body guards. But you, oh divine leader of the dragon cult, know what’s wrong about that . . . the Secret Service has connections to all the information, body guards don’t.
I remember the McCarthy era, a black time! We came out of that. I still have a slim hope for our future.
Which reminds me, fat chance is not the same as slim chance. Fat chance is basically translated as No Way In Hell, whereas Slim chance means, Can’t See It Happening, But Maybe It Will. Anyone who wants to dispute that, must be 73 or older, or you will just be labeled green behind your ears.

Leah, sweets, I see your point.  And see the validity in it.  I also know that the Wicked Witch of the West wants no chance of President Trump coming back in the future, so at a minimum the Bitch Pelosi will not let go of impeachment.  

And as an Ancient Blue Dragon, I do, indeed, know the difference, implied and inferred, between slim chance and fat chance.

And finally, let’s hear from Brian, who offers a much more extreme version of our near future:

Brian T

My sources are saying to make sure all your vehicles are fully gassed, pantry fully stocked, buy as much ammo as you can, get a generator and MANY cans of fuel. Things are about to get real ugly and we may be going back to living like it was 100 years ago. Candles and alternate cooking methods will also help. By the way, I have been reading all your e-zines since at least 2010ish??? I still see some pics or cartoons that I sent (back when I still had some hair). When you have a paid day off don’t call it vacation. Being that we are close to the same age we have a practice retirement!!

Brian, I hope you are wrong … or at least a bit on the pessimistic side.  I’m too old to play those silly games.  I am prepared to fight to the last bullet … which in my case might take quite a friggin’ while as I have a substantial supply, and I am prepared to go out that way as I will NOT surrender my 2nd amendment rights. But, I don’t want to cook squirrel on the damn grill.

Thanks for being such a loyal reader.  I know there are several of you out there who’ve been with me for the long haul.  I hope I haven’t disappointed over the years … and I guess I haven’t or you wouldn’t still be here.  And the paid day off … well, to me, it’s just a deserved day.

My guess is that now we’ll just have to put our heads down for a while and get through this.  American perseverance will win the day, as it always does, and this too will pass.  We will figure out a way for the next election to be a legitimate one and we will get our country back.

So … until next time my dear friends … oh, and by the way I am going to try to make next time this Saturday, but got a couple of shitty days ahead of me, so if it’s not Saturday, don’t freak out and worry about me.  I’ll keep you guys in the loop via phone message like I have in the past, but if I can’t make it Saturday I will be as close behind that as I can be, but I am working and teaching this weekend … so …

Love and happiness to you all.

Cheers

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3 Responses to Dragon Laffs #1852

  1. Leah D says:

    As I stole your jokes & toons, and commentary to post on Facebook, my mind kept assigning an odds number to them . . . as in, what are the odds FB will censor it?
    You have been the provider of stress relief all these years, by way of laughter. Now it seems, by providing a safe haven where we can vent also. (this is where we all clink our glasses and raise them in tribute to you)

  2. Larry S. says:

    Here is a scenario that I haven’t read yet…..Biden becomes “incapacitated ” by whatever excuse they come up with. In that case, Harris becomes the first female president. Now, if something should happen to her ( and I could see this happening ) guess who becomes president? The Speaker of the House! (Aka: Pelosi) God forbid!!

  3. Dave says:

    The clown at the beginning of today’s post, that will trade his left nut for a super bowl ticket, must have played to many games without a helmet. It clearly says he wants to complete the transaction after the game. My question is this . . . Why would anyone trade a nut for a used, canceled ticket.

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