Good Morning Campers,

It’s Monday.

Already.  I can’t believe it.  It just seems like yesterday it was Friday.  Wait.  … today is Saturday that I’m writing this, so it was just yesterday that it was Friday.  No wonder it seems like it.  I still have all day tomorrow off!!  Hot damn!  Woo Hoo!!

That means it’s time to laugh!!!!!!

Maybe my mom was right all those years ago.

Maybe I won’t be happy until someone loses an eye.

Maybe that’s what’s been missing.

Well played little 2 year old!  Well played.

Asked my wife if I could use toys during sex.  Should’ve seen her face when I rolled my hotwheels car across her titties…

Duct Tape ………… $2.00
Rope…………………$3.00
Blind Fold …………$1.50
Garbage Bags ……..$3.50
Look on cashiers face …….Priceless!

I stopped by the Chevrolet Dealership yesterday, for a look at the new Silverado 2020, 3500 pickup. Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive. I wanted to sense that new “feel” before they become extinct…

The salesman (a man wearing a Biden lapel pin, sat in the passenger seat describing the truck and all its “wonderful” options… and the seats were of particular interest. He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat. Feeling like messing with him, I mentioned that this must be a Republican truck.

Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Republican truck. I explained that if it were a Democrat truck, the seats would blow smoke up your ass year-round.

I had to walk back to the dealership.

A really great salesman is one who can actually make his wife feel sorry for the girl who lost her panties and bra in his car.

A doctor and his wife were out walking when a beautiful woman in a tight-fitting halter top and skirt nodded hello from a nearby doorway.

“And who was that?” questioned the wife.

“Oh, just a young woman I know professionally,” said the doctor, reddening slightly.

I see,” said the wife.  “Your profession or hers?”

My longtime boarder was moving out, and I needed an advertisement posted at the local college.

A friend agreed to make one up on her computer and put it on the school’s bulletin board.

I went out of town for a couple of days, and when I got back, I found a number of strange messages on my answering machine.

Deciding I had better check out my ad, I went over to the college.  And there it was:  “Room and Broad, $400 a month.”

What do you never want to hear while having good sex?

Honey, I am home!

Matters had progressed to the point where the freshman and his date were naked in the motel bed when the girl had a change of heart.

“I suppose you’re going to tell me now that you’re waiting for ‘Mr. Right’,” he said dejectedly.

“That’s a silly old romantic notion,” laughed the coed.  “I’m just waiting for Mr. Big.”

There’s a fine line between crazy and free spirited and it’s usually a prescription.

What kind of society do we live in where we have homelessness in the first place?

The woman said to her beautician as she sat down for her appointment, “When you’re finished with me, will my husband think I’m beautiful?”

“Maybe,” replied the beautician, “does he still drink a lot?”

“Mom!  He’s touching me!”

Yeah … I’d really be interested in knowing too.

Early Retirement Policy for all Current Employees

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on the number of personnel.  Under this plan, older employees will b asked to go on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of the younger people who represent our future.  Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. 

This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel).  Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.  SLAPPED employees can request a review of the employment records before actual retirement takes place.  This phase of the program is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).

All employees who have been SLAPPED or SCREWED may file an appeal with the upper management.  This is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).  Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedures, he/she will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel’s Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment) unless he/she already has AIDS (Additional Income from Dependents or Spouse).  As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT).  This company takes pride in the amount of  SHIT our employees receive.  We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area.  If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor.

YOUR SUPERVISOR IS SPECIALLY TRAINED TO MAKE SURE THAT YOU RECEIVE ALL THE SHIT YOU CAN STAND.

Thank you.

Yeah … reading does that for me, too.

Does anyone know which page of the Bible explains how to turn water into wine?

Asking for a friend.

From Vernon, British Columbia, Canada comes the story of bozo Charles Hanson who held up a flower shop, getting away with a small amount of cash. Our bozo immediately took the money and went next door to the 7-11 to pick up some much needed supplies (probably a beer). As he was walking out he remembered he had left something important behind in the flower shop so he returned to pick it up. Bad idea. The police were already there investigating. And just what was it that was so important that he had left behind? His gun.

Actually, that’s pretty good advice.

The rising new trend is “Anal Bleaching”.  Usually I’d be against such an activity, but … Some assholes do need to lighten up.

Drinking at home instead of the bar isn’t working out.  I almost asked my wife for her phone number.

Very few things upset my wife.

It makes me feel rather special to be one of them.

 

 

 

 

 

Well, lots of comments to get to and lots of other stuff to say, but what there isn’t lots of is time.  I’m afraid that’s all I have time for today.  May your Monday be filled with love and happiness, fun and games, but mostly, may your week be filled with laughter.

Cheers my friends.

Impish Dragon