Dragon Laffs #1803


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Good Morning Campers,

While many of you are reading this, I’ll be …

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We have our season banquet on Saturday.  We’ll be playing darts, eating, drinking and playing darts from noon till about midnight.  Alcohol and sharp pointy objects, what could possibly go wrong?

So, let’s get this issue going!!!!

Laughter!  We need Laughter!

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I see what the problem is here … I’m speaking in English and you’re listening in Dumbass.

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Why don’t we ever see these looters coming out of the stores with lawn mowers, chainsaws, weed eaters, shovels, or rakes?

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Retiree Mental Fitness Evaluation
This test is to ascertain your mental state now. If you get one right you are
doing ok, if you get none right you better go for counseling. (I’ll meet
you there.)
There are 4 test questions. Don’t miss one.
Giraffe Test
1.  How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator? Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll down.

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The correct answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close
the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an
overly complicated way.

Elephant Test

2.  How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

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Did you say, “Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?”  Wrong Answer.

 

Correct Answer:  Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant, and close the door.  This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.

Lion King Test

3.  The Lion King is hosting an Animal Conference.  All the animals attend  … except one.  Which animal does not attend?

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Correct Answer:  The Elephant.  The elephant is in the refrigerator.  You just put him in there.  This tests your memory.

Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

Crocodile Test

4.  There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat.  How do you mange it?

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Correct Answer:  You jump inot the river ans swim across.  Haven’t you been listening?  All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Conference.  This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the Retirees they tested go all questions wrong, but many preschoolers go several correct answers.  Anderson Consulting says this conclusively proves the theory that most Retirees do not have the brains of a four-year-old.

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A new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

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I want to know how the hell it got up there!

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When punishing your kids, don’t take away their electronics …

Just take away their chargers and watch the fear in their eyes as they use them less and less, while the batteries slowly die.

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I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred … the number one answer was:  How the fuck did you get in here?

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Learning in Hebrew School.

(These are written by children and have not been retouched or corrected, i.e., incorrect spelling has been left in).

The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments.

The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

The seventh commandment is: “Thou shalt not admit adultery.”

Moses died before he ever reached Canada.

Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.

It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

Most religions teach us to have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

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A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?”

He replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.”

“Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?”

“Yes,” he says, “I was in Iraq for one tour.”

The interviewer says, “That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.   Are you disabled in any way?”

The guy says, “Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles.”

The interviewer grimaces and then says, “Okay. You’ve got enough points for me to hire you right now.  Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day.”

The guy is puzzled and asks, “If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm, why don’t you want me here until 10:00 am?”

“This is a government job”, the interviewer says. “For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.  No point in you coming in for that.”

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If zombies ever attack just go to Costco … they have concrete walls … years of foods and supplies … and best of all, the zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership card.

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This could be problematic

Funny thing about getting older, your eyesight might weaken, yet you can see through people’s bullshit much better.

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I’m proud to announce that I have completed the first item on my bucket list

 

I have the bucket.

 

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Because we really like these things…

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Spoon

Spot The Difference

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Statues

Step away from my fridge

Step Back Please

Stereotypes

Stereotyping

STFU

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stoner math

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GETTING OLD SUCKS!

I just threw my back out because the toaster startled me.

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The police department in the small hill country town of Kerrville , Texas , reported finding a man’s body last Saturday, in the early evening, in the Pedernales River near the state highway-87 bridge. The dead man’s name would not be released until his family had been notified. The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption while visiting “someone” in Fredericksburg . When he was found, he was wearing black fishnet stockings, 10-inch spiked heels, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, purple lipstick, dazzle dust on his eyelids, 2 1/2-inch false eyelashes, and a Biden T-shirt. The police removed the Biden T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment. Police do care 

Yes, it is an old joke.

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A whole lot of truth in that.

Me:  Please bring me a screwdriver.

Wife:  Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?

And that was when I knew she was the one.

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My boss said I intimidate coworkers.

I stared at him until he apologized.

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Based on the yard signs I’m seeing, Biden will finish third behind Trump and Fire Wood For Sale.

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I am way behind in my emails.  I am just now getting to ones that are ten days old.  I’ll catch up eventually, but please forgive me for not getting back to you right away if you have written to me.  I just found out that Tom J. had to abandon his home in Oregon due to the fires and I haven’t heard from him again and am worried about him…that was over ten days ago and I never responded to him.  So Tom, if you are out there, let me know you are okay.

I’m sorry my brothers and sisters, doing the best I can here.  Life is catching up to me.  Right now my inbox tells me that I have 339 unread emails.  LOL.  That’s down significantly from what it was an hour or so ago.  Now, that does NOT mean I want you guys to stop writing to me.  Just that I want you to understand it is going to take me a little while to catch up.

Love and happiness to you all.

Cheers.

Impish Dragon.

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3 Responses to Dragon Laffs #1803

  1. Leah D. says:

    So glad to hear you are having a day off, good food, lots to drink and darts to top it off! I know there are things you can’t talk about, but still, have been curious WHY you have such a heavy work schedule lately? Is it because you are playing catch-up after time off to attend to family affairs? Or just filling in for people on vacation?

  2. Stephanie says:

    Prayers lifted for Tom, his family, and all those affected by the fires.
    Imagine how the parents will explain how this happened when someone mentions the gender reveal fire.

  3. Dave says:

    The 4:20 watch tattoo is on the wrong arm, but he probably won’t notice!

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