Dragon Laffs #1804


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Good Morning Campers,

It’s a beautiful day to share laughter with friends … so let’s do that … on a Monday morning!

Let's Laugh 5

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I was so drunk last night …

When I got to the bottom of the stairs, I took off my shoes, coat, top, trousers, and underwear.  I crept upstairs very quietly …

It was only when I got to the top of the stairs, I realized I was on a fucking bus!!!

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That’s always worked for me.

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Best Relationship Advice:  Make sure you’re the crazy one.

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When a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she’s either really interested in you … OR you’re level 99 friend zoned.

OR … she hasn’t spotted you in the tree outside her window yet.

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COP:  Are you drunk?

Me:  Could a drunk person do this? [farts 3 times and pisses in pants]

COP:  Actually – yes …

Me:  That was supposed to be a backflip.

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That’s about right … but I will admit that it’s usually B more often than A.

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Thanks to many Bozo News Hawks who pointed out this story in a recent Ann Landers’ column. From Ottawa County, Michigan comes the story of a bozo who set the new Bozo World’s Land Speed Record for quickest return to jail. Twenty one year old bozo Reginald Phillips was released from the Ottawa County Jail Saturday morning at 12:01 AM. At 12:09 AM our bozo was spotted climbing over a chain link fence, back onto the jail grounds, and attempting to pass a cigarette to an inmate through a steel grate covering a window. At 12:10 AM our bozo was back in custody, charged with illegal entry into a prison facility and disorderly conduct. That’s nine minutes flat, bettering the previous record of 45 minutes held by a bozo who got busted for drinking beer to celebrate his release as he was driving home from jail.

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Has COVID-19 forced you to wear glasses and a mask at the same time?  You may be entitled to condensation.

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Today I tested positive for SICKOFTHISSHIT-20.  There’s no cure and I may or may not be contagious.

And I’m pretty sure a fucking mask isn’t going to help.

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I yelled, “COW!” at a woman on a bike and she gave me the finger.  Then she plowed her bike straight into the cow.

I tried.

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Okay, so we haven’t done this for a long time.  My bad…so let’s do it now.

3c

Some of these may go back a bit … like I said at the end of the last issue, I’m a bit behind in my work.  If I was a porn star that wouldn’t be a bad, thing, but being a dragon answering emails and comments?  Not so much. 

This first one is from issue #1797:

Dave

The kid at looking at the 2 monitors while mom watches him with a stick, is watching his computer defragment the hard drive. It can take hours.

That’s pretty detail oriented viewing Dave.  Thanks.

Stephanie

Do you think we could get a member of Rolling Thunder to enter as a 3rd party candidate?

I think they would be an excellent choice!  Hell, at this point in time, I think anyone would be an excellent choice.  It amazes me that these are the best we have to choose from.  Where are our modern day Adams and Jeffersons?

Stephanie

Love the ant.
The Irish saying is perfect. I passed it on to a friend who recently lost her daughter to cystic fibrosis. It says a lot. Thanks for posting.
Love you much.
Still praying for you and the Mrs.

Thanks dear friend.  Thought the ant was cool … almost dragonesc

Larry S

II have to agree whole heartedly with your position on pro sports. I love the NFL, but I won’ t be watching again until these so called PROFFESIONALS learn to grow up!! There is a time and place for everything, but a sports field or arena or whatever is NOT the place!

Thanks Larry.  I don’t mind if they protest even if they take a minute on the field to bow their heads, kneel, do whatever.  It’s their show.  But not ever, NEVER during the playing of the National Anthem.  I’d rather see them stop  playing it before the game entirely than see it played and allow them to degrade it.  If you can’t be grown up enough to be respectful during the playing of it, then fuck you, you don’t get to have it played before your game.  And it is a privilege to have it played that you just LOST!  That is one way of handling it.  In fact Larry, that’s a movement that we can start right now.  If you can’t be respectful of our National Anthem while it’s being played, then your team loses the PRIVILEGE of having it played for the rest of that season.  How about them apples you over paid prim donnas! 

Okay, so I just got myself wound up again.  Sorry.

Leah D.

Post anything in Facebook, it can get shared and shared, and shared . . . Or Facebook can judge it unsuitable, delete it, and ban you. Ask one who knows . . .

I do have to ask someone who knows.  I have to call Izzy Dragon over and ask her, because I really don’t do Facebook.  Like I said, if it wasn’t for darts, I wouldn’t even have a Facebook account.  Can you imagine the following I’d have as Impish Dragon?  I’d break the internet.  I’m not getting anything done now!  It’s my duty as a respectful citizen of the earth to NOT have an account.  Thanks and love to you Leah!

Dave

The 4:20 watch tattoo is on the wrong arm, but he probably won’t notice!

Like I said, very detail oriented viewing.  Yeah, pretty much a given he won’t notice.  I always wanted to take a stoner while they were asleep and tattoo a Dorito Chip on their arm.  Something really life like.  Cause I know it would drive them crazy.

Thanks Dave and thanks for the oh-so subtle comments

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Oh sure, looks legit to me.

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More true to life?

Thanks to John S. for this interesting picture.  I’ve actually had one of these in my hands.

A bank teller shared this photo of a rare $1000 bill from 1934. The teller told the customer he could accept the bill at face value, but urged the customer to try and find a collector that would likely pay more than face value for it.

$500, $1,000, $5,000, $10,000 and $100,000 bills were in circulation. After the last printing of those denominations in 1945, the Treasury Department and the Fed discontinued them in 1969.
First printed in 1928, this $1,000 bill features two-time United States President Grover Cleveland. He was the nation’s 22nd and 24th president, earning him the distinction of being the only president to serve two non-consecutive terms.

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My cousin Edna’s new baby.  Isn’t he adorable?  (Actually, I think he’s as ugly as a mud fence, and in that regard he takes right after my cousin Edna, but you know, you have to be polite to the family)

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That is too funny, requires a lot of dedication, and probably gave that poor lady apoplexy.  But still … incredibly funny!!

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She said, “Go to the store and get a gallon of milk.” and then complains when I bring this back.

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I know, right.  And the court costs …

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Now THAT’S a great mom!

The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees, and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys, and phone.”

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I do too!!!

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You really gotta admire good architectural design.

So, while I was out playing darts yesterday I got these two comments…

Stephanie

Prayers lifted for Tom, his family, and all those affected by the fires.
Imagine how the parents will explain how this happened when someone mentions the gender reveal fire.

No doubt that is going to be a bit embarrassing, but good news on the other side.  I heard from Tom about the same time your comment came in Stephanie. Here’s the email I got from him.

Hello Impish; My family and I are all okay. My wife and I did not have to leave our home. Both of our daughters live about ten miles closer to the fire area and they both had to take their families to a safer place. They went to Salem and stayed with friends for a few days and are back in their homes now. The girls live about a half mile apart in the same town and found smoke and ash had gotten into their homes, but no fire damage. As they were evacuating they said it was a frightening time because the heat from the fire could be felt all over town.

The smoke was worse that you could ever imagine. Days of darkness and falling ash everywhere. The ash reminded me of 1980 when Mt. St. Helen’s exploded. We finally got some rain and the air is much better now. So far over one million acres have burned in Oregon and 40,000 people have been evacuated. Ten are confirmed dead and many more are still missing. The fires are still burning, but the rain will help quite a bit and the wind has slowed down too. Of course now the great media shit heads say the rain will cause flash floods. I never heard of a mountain side being flooded. It will be unfortunate for the media when the fires are under control because then they will have to go back and start to report on the “peaceful” riots again.

These fires are NOT the result of climate change, global warming, or angry fire gods. They were deliberately started by idiots. I doubt that anyone will be prosecuted for this disaster. I remember the fire in 2017 that burned 50,000 acres. It was started by a fifteen year old using fireworks when they were banned. The judge fined him nine million dollars. Do you suppose his daddy wrote a check for him? What a joke!

These pictures are the same shot on different days. (Date and time are shown). The first was just after 10 in the morning when it should be bright and sunny. The second one was yesterday after some rain cleared the smoke at a little after 5 P.M. This is looking west, away from the fires.

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Well Tom, as you can see, we’ve all been praying fro you and are glad you are safe and sound.  And I’ll have words with my cousin Harvey about flying over the Oregon forests with a head cold.

I also heard from Leah yesterday.  She had this to say:

Leah D.

So glad to hear you are having a day off, good food, lots to drink and darts to top it off! I know there are things you can’t talk about, but still, have been curious WHY you have such a heavy work schedule lately? Is it because you are playing catch-up after time off to attend to family affairs? Or just filling in for people on vacation?

Hi Leah.  Yup, you’re absolutely right. 

I can’t talk about it.

Cause if I did, I’d have to … I’m just kidding.

Actually, it’s more of a case of when it rains, it pours.  A lot of inspections and classes and exercises and such that are spread out throughout the year got pushed back due to the “COVID Crisis” and are all coming due now and with 408the time off I had to take and all the shit in my personal life that has gone on … it’s just been the perfect storm.  It’s stacking up like Jenga blocks just waiting for someone to take the wrong one and have it all come crashing down.

There are other things going on in the world, that you can probably figure out if you watch the news, that keep anyone associated with the military on their toes right now, that I, of course, am not going to talk about here, that are also keeping me busy.

And it’s the end of the fiscal year, always a busy time in government work.  We have to make sure that we spend every bit of the rest of your money that we took from you for this fiscal year before we start planning on what we are going to do with the money we are going to take away from you next fiscal year.  Oh shit!  Did I actually say that out loud!  Did that go out in the issue?  Stop!  Stop printing!  Oh crap!  Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap!  I am so fired!

Hey … can .. um, you guys pretend like you didn’t hear that last bit?

LOL!  ANYWAY!  Back to more of THIS stuff …..

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Hey Larry (and everyone else) this next one goes really well to what we were talking about earlier…

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AMEN!

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stop (2)

Stop Him

Stop Time

STOP

Stormcock

Even a “new” weatherman has to be aware enough to know what this must’ve looked like…

Stormtroopers

Yes, these are the beers we’re looking for.

Strange Fetishes

And for every single strange fetish you can think of, there’s a website on the internet for it somewhere.

Strange Jobs

I’m gonna say, that depends on which class you are teaching.

street names

strife

strip darts

I am DEFINITELY bringing this idea up at the next league meeting!!!

Stuff

So?  Anybody get the reference?

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This is such an awesome political cartoon.  (Thanks to Leah for sending it in) She mentions that Social Media is becoming just another host for rumors and fake news and of course it is.  If not more so than Main Stream Media because Social Media is put out there by people who have no obligation to fact check (not that it seems that the MSM does either lately).  But what I like about this cartoon is that you can use this guy as an “anyman” and say that now-a-days a lot of people are using Social Media as their main news source.  I constantly say that to my Izzy Dragon.  Who isn’t so little anymore.  She just celebrated her 19th birthday and she’ll come up to me with some wild ass thing like “Dad, I think it’s terrible that Trump is going to close down all the Taco Bells because he thinks they are all Bolivian spies!”  And my response is always the same: “Izzy, you have GOT to stop getting all your news off of Twitter.”  And I think a lot of today’s young people are the same way.  They don’t watch the news, read a legitimate news source, or do any serious research of anything on their own.  It’s like Mrs. Dragon says, they are learning in blipverts.  You get 30 seconds on a topic.  You have 140 characters.  LOL!  Can you imagine me limited to 140 characters.  I couldn’t eloquently tell a rude client to go fuck themselves with less than 500.  But, that’s what makes a picture so great.  A picture is worth a thousand words.  And that’s what this one does.  Thanks Leah.

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OUCH!

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What if they’re not stars, but holes poked into the top of the container so we can breathe?

And I think I just found the premise for my next book …

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2020’s been a wild year man, I don’t know if I need a face mask, a Glock, or a generator.

Do like I do … all of the above.

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So… I’ve got enough of these to do this, so … let’s do this.  It’s Sunday and I’m in a pissy enough mood.

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I want this shirt!

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If all the accusations against President Trump were true, he’d damn near qualify to be a Democrat.

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They tell you straight to your face, “We will take your guns and raise your taxes!” and still the morons vote for them.

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And one more thing to think about … Muslims want Biden.  China want Biden.  Iran wants Biden.  Abortionists want Biden.  Felons want Biden.  Illegals want Biden.  Are you getting it yet?

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For Sale

Parachute – Only used once

Never opened

Small Stain

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Probably aren’t sitting in front of a computer screen reading Dragon Laffs either … is that what you’re implying Lamborghini?  Yeah, well screw you Lamborghini!  I didn’t want one of your lousy cars anyway!  I could … what’s that?  How much?  Are you friggin’ kidding me!?!  Who in their right mind would pay over $418,000 for a damn car?!?  WHAT!!!!!  That’s the stripped down model?!?!  Yup.  They were right.  People who buy Lamborghinis aren’t sitting around in front of computer screens reading Dragon Laffs, because if they were, they’d know how fucking stupid that was to spend that much money on a car. 

Who am I kidding.  That’s pure jealousy.  LOL!

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Paging Alanis Morissette…

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I’m afraid that has to be it for this fine Monday morning.  I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend and has as good a week as can be expected.  Be well, be safe, be happy, laugh a little, love a lot.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

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3 Responses to Dragon Laffs #1804

  1. Leah D. says:

    Talking about things being shared and shared . . . back before Facebook, etc., I created an image with a punch line, and sent it to a group. I believe it was close to 5 years later, I was sent a much degraded image back. All I can say is, good thing I’m not running for office, because the media would have a heyday throwing back at me all the things I’ve said over the years.

  2. Larry S says:

    Thanks for the follow up on my NFL post. It says it all in that one picture. In a different note, imagine this scenario.,Biden gets elected, then resigns for whatever reason..,leaving Harris as the first female president . I think most people realize that Biden is just a mouthpiece, but for whom I don’t know

  3. Dave says:

    The old guy could probably fit a thermos on that truck. Boy, what a jerk!

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