Good Morning Campers,

Welcome to Monday.  It’s got to be the very worst day of the week.  I am really beginning to hate Mondays.  They come around way too quickly after Fridays.  Especially on weekends when I have to teach class…like this one.  And what a class it was.  A whole class of new people, never having had the class before.  Quite interesting.  And long.

So, that was Saturday.  I’ll tell you about Sunday when it happens.  And Tuesday my new Range is supposed to be here, so there’s that….

Between now and then …

When I was about 9 years old, I accompanied my father to the funeral of a friend of his, someone who I didn’t even know.

When we got there, I stayed in a corner waiting for the time to pass.

Then a man approached me and said, “Enjoy life son, be happy because time flies.  Look at me now, I didn’t enjoy it.”

Then he passed his hand over my head and left.

My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodbye to the dead person.  When I looked in the coffin, I was horrified to see that the man in the coffin was the same man who had spoken to me!

I was so traumatized I couldn’t sleep properly.  I had terrible nightmares.  I was terrified of being alone.  I couldn’t sleep without a night light for many years.

I saw many psychologists, endured much turmoil throughout my adolescent years.  It got better as I aged, but I would still occasionally wake up screaming in fear.

Years later, I discovered something incredible that changed my life.

The dead bastard had a twin.

As I’ve grown older, I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

Paddy said to Mick:  “My wife left me last week, she said she was going for milk and never came back.”

Mick says:  “Oh Paddy, how are you coping?”

Paddy:  “Not bad.  I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff.”

Are we still calling it white bread?  Or did that change, too?

You’ve already put up your Christmas tree?

That’s nothing!

I’m already drunk for St. Patrick’s Day.

I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in a body that doesn’t.

Listen To Your Lawyer
Taylor was desperate for business, and was happy to be appointed by the court to defend an indigent defendant. The judge ordered Taylor,”You are to confer with the defendant in the hallway, and give him the best legal advice you can.”
After a time, Taylor re-entered the courtroom alone. When the judge asked where the defendant had gone, Taylor replied, “You asked me to give him good advice. I found out that he was so guilty, so I told him to split.”

Did You Know:  (Well, this has been a long time …)  (Yeah, well shut up and listen)  (Wow, attitude …)  The North Star is between 323 and 521 light-years away from earth, meaning the light we see from the star was emitted sometime between 1499 and 1697.  (Okay, so that was pretty cool)  (Yes it was, now back off.)  (Wow, dude …what the hell?  We need to talk.)  (Hey, I get paid by the “Did You Know” and they’ve been few and far between.  I’ve got kids to feed and my mother-in-law has been living with us since this whole COVID thing has started up and … ) (Yeah, yeah, I get it.  I’ll talk to the editor.  We’ll get it worked out)

Did You Know: (Welcome back) (Thanks bro) Prince played 27 different instruments on his debut album.  (Cool!  I did not know that.)  (I know, right.)

Did You Know:  (Hey!  There you are again!)  (My family thanks you!)  About three-quarters of all volcanic eruptions occur underwater.  (Um … we’re reaching a little here)  (Yeah, we are)

And THAT is the call of the dragon!!

Every time we try to eat healthy, along comes Christmas, Easter, summer, Friday, or Tuesday and ruins it for us.

My wife has asked me to help her with her diet …

So I’ve hidden her teeth!

That has been my problem far too many times.

Enough of that, let’s do some of this…

I’m in!  It’s bound to work!

My generation’s zombies didn’t run.  They walked.  Uphill.  In the snow.  They ate what brains they could find and they liked it.

Yeah, I’m working my way up to that level right now.  Can’t cross my legs yet.

Got an email from Joe L. in Beesley’s Point, NJ.  It came in at 3:26 am on Saturday morning and he explains why …

Impish,

Just finished reading the latest issue at 3am.

My wife couldn’t find her car keys at 1:15am when she finished work in Ocean City, NJ. I had to shake the cobwebs and bring her my key. OC is a 20 minute ride from Beesley’s Point. Slow going thanks to the 25mph speed limit and traffic light.

But once I returned home I was wide awake. Seeing your new issue gave me a reason to stay up awhile and not attempt to fall back to sleep.

Bummer……Now I won’t have anything good to read tomorrow. Oh well, I can read this issue again.

Thanks for entertaining me in the middle of the night.

Wait….that doesn’t sound quite right.

…Joe in Beesley’s Point

———————————

Beesley’s Point is so small we don’t have a town drunk. We have to take turns.

Joe, since we are 747 miles and/or 10 hours and 50 minutes away from each other, I don’t mind if you say I entertained you in the middle of the night.  Yeah, I looked it up on Google maps.  I noticed you said traffic light – singular – is there only the one?  And I thought I lived in a small town.  But, I’m glad I could entertain you…middle of the night or not.

I’d almost rather have those kinds of directions than the kind you get around here.  There’s a lot of people that have been here for generations and you things like, “You gotta turn left where the old Smith farm burned down in the 50s”

Bozo criminal for today comes from Bound Brook, New Jersey where bozo Brendan Snider had a rather busy day when he broke into a residence early the other morning. First he went into the kitchen and cooked himself some sausages. He then ransacked a downstairs bedroom, finding a pair of jeans he liked and putting them on. He then went out into the backyard and lit the grill to cook a couple of steaks he had found in the refrigerator. While the grill was warming up he went upstairs and awoke the family’s daughter while he was rummaging around her bedroom. He apologized for waking her, introduced himself and locked himself in the bathroom where he proceeded to take a shower. The daughter then awoke her parents who confronted our bozo behind the locked bathroom door. The bozo replied, “I’m taking a shower. I’ll be out in a few minutes.” The cops were waiting when he finished his shower.

Would it surprise you if I said it doesn’t surprise me to hear he’s from NJ?

Did You know: (He’s Back!) (Rollin’ In it!) Richard Cadbury invented the first heart-shaped box of chocolates in 1861.  (I like his eggs better) (I know, right)

Someone made up dinosaur sounds without ever hearing them.

Well, let’s go read some comments before we run out of time, shall we?

EdR

Regarding your commissary story.. saw that in the Commissary in Newport RI when I was in OCS. Woman barged in to the front of the line next to the one I was in, with “I’m Mrs. LT So-and-So”. Middle aged woman from two lines over came up, said to her “I’m not ‘Mrs Admiral Johnson’, I’m just Mrs. Johnson. My husband Admiral Johnson and I will see you and your husband for dinner tonight at . Eight o’clock, don’t be late.” Then she walked back to her grocery cart. Mrs. LT So-and-So’s face went pale. Then she moved to the back of the line. I would loved to have been a fly on the wall at that dinner.

You and me both Ed!  Hell, I’d have paid good money to wait the table and served the dinner!

Stephanie

Please express my prayers to Paul. I cannot imagine being without my other half.
In regard to census, yes dome of the questions are idiotic, but sadly are many people. Because of those who claim there’s more than 2 sexes, they must ask.
Please be nice. Stan is one of the workers.

I told Paul that all of us express our deepest condolences.  He said that Dragon Laffs was one of the things that Ginny missed doing and reading the most.

LOL!  We’ll all be nice to Stan if he shows up at the door, but other than that …

Seems lots of people had stories about or felt strongly about my commissary story…

Leah D.

At Fort Hood, she didn’t crowd in, but loudly proclaimed that being an officer’s wife, she shouldn’t have to wait in lines. I was ahead of her, turned, said “You’re an officer’s wife?” Saluted her and turned back around.

Dave

The window sticker – You will address me by my husband’s rank.
That would be . . . second class!

That is one thing with working with the Reserves, even on a full-time basis, I don’t interact with the spouses much, but when I do, they seem to be a bit … tightened up, maybe that’s the right way to put it.  They have their shit together.

Maggie

Impish,
A great issue!! It was sad to read about Ginny, I am sure she will be greatly missed.
I hope that you and Mrs Dragon and Izzy are all doing well and staying safe.
Maggie

Thanks Maggie.  We are doing okay.  Can’t complain.  Only cause it doesn’t do a damn bit of good, anyway.  Thanks for saying nice things about the issue, and for asking about us.  And yeah, Ginny will be missed.

Leah D.

WOW! This issue was like an anniversary celebratory one! So Round, So Firm, So Fully Packed!

Leah, I feel sexy now!  Dang girl.  Chicka wow-wow!

Think About This:

Condoms are made by humans, for humans, to prevent humans.

I before E

Except when you foreign neighbor Keith receives eight counterfeit beige sleighs from feisty caffeinated weightlifters.

Weird

An American success story .

Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner where a shoe shine is always located.  He sits on the couch, examines the Wall Street Journal, and the shoe shine gives his shoes a shiny, excellent look.  One morning the shoeshine asks the Executive Director: – What do you think about the situation in the stock market? The Director asks in turn arrogantly:  – Why are you so interested in that – that topic?

“I have a million dollars in your bank,” the shoeshine says, “and I’m considering investing some of the money in the capital market.”

– What is your name?  –Asks the Director.

– John H. Smith.

The Director arrives at the bank and asks the Manager – Do we have a client named John H. Smith ?

– Certainly –answers the Customer Service Manager–, he is a highly esteemed customer.  He has a million dollars in his account.

The Director comes out, approaches the shoeshine, and says:  – Mr. Smith, I ask you this coming Monday to be the guest of honor at our board meeting and tell us the story of your life.  I am sure we will have something to learn from you.

At the board meeting, the Executive Director introduces him to the board members:

– We all know Mr. Smith, who makes our shoes shine in the corner;  But Mr. Smith is also our esteemed customer with a million dollars in his account.  I invited him to tell us the story of his life.  I am sure we can learn from him.

Mr. Smith began his story:- I came to this country fifty years ago as a young immigrant from Europe with an unpronounceable name.  I got off the ship without a penny.  The first thing I did was change my name to Smith.  I was hungry and exhausted.  I started wandering around looking for a job but to no avail.  Suddenly I found a coin on the sidewalk.  I bought an apple.  I had two options: eat the apple and quench my hunger or start a business.  I sold the apple for two dollars and bought two apples with the money.  I also sold them and continued in business.  When I started accumulating dollars, I was able to buy a set of used brushes and shoe polish and started polishing shoes.  I didn’t spend a penny on entertainment or clothing, I just bought bread and some cheese to survive.  I saved penny by penny and after a while, I bought a new set of shoe brushes and ointments in different shades and expanded my clientele.  I lived like a monk and saved penny by penny.  After a while I was able to buy an armchair so that my clients could sit comfortably while cleaning their shoes, and that brought me more clients.  I did not spend a penny on the joys of life.  I kept saving every penny.  A few years ago, when the previous shoe shine on the corner decided to retire, I had already saved enough money to buy his shoeshine location at this great place.

Finally, three months ago, my sister, who was a prostitute in Chicago, passed away and left me a million dollars.

Mom:  If a stranger came up to you and said, “I’m your mom’s friend, she told me to pick you up.” What would you say?

Kid:  I’d say, “You’re lying.  My mom has no friends.”

Mom:  Not where I was going, but Ok.

Now that we know who the essential workers are, explain to me why Professional Athletes make so much more money if they are basically useless when it matters.

And just before we close, here’s me in my new mask…

I don’t know if I like this one as much as the last one or not.  What do you guys think?

And in conclusion…