Dragon Laffs #1792


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Good Morning Campers

Good Morning Campers,

As I’m writing this, I’m waiting for the delivery drivers to arrive to bring our range and to finally put our cave back together again after almost two months after the lightning EMP that put such a huge crimp in our summer.  Got a recorded call last night that said they would be here 400bbetween 8 am and noon today.  I guess Lowes has changed their delivery service.  So, we got our refrigerator under the old contract and the range under the new one.  And I already told you how pleased we were with the guys who delivered the fridge … so far I’m not happy with the range service.  A recorded call is not very personable.  Giving me a 4 hour window instead of a two hour one.  And then not even calling me at a decent hour.  I got the call at like 830 last night.  To me, that’s a bit late to be making calls to schedule deliveries.  But, we’ll see how it goes.

In the mean time, let’s get on with the laughter, shall we?

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I heard the government is putting chips inside of people.  I hope I get Doritos.

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Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Gordon Galbraith for sending in today’s report. From Robbinsdale, Minnesota comes the story of bozo Paul Harris who walked into a pawn shop with several power tools he had just stolen and asked for cash for them. The man behind the counter took a look at the tools and thought, “These are pretty nice. I’ve got one just like that…and that…and that!” Finally it dawned on him-he was looking at his own tools. The bozo had broken into the pawnbroker’s house, stolen his tools, and, as fate would have it, brought those tools to his shop to pawn them. The pawnbroker called the cops who detained our bozo on a previous warrant while he hurried home to confirm that those were indeed his tools. They were. The bozo was arrested

Okay, so what are the odds?

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Did You Know: (No I didn’t) (I haven’t said anything yet) (Oh, sorry) (‘s alright) During the 1957 Flu Pandemic, hundreds of thousands of fertilized chicken eggs were required each day to produce the vaccine! (No I didn’t) (Never mind)

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Starting baby off right.

Did You Know: (No I didn’t) (Is this going to become a thing now?) (Not any More) The Filet-O-Fish has been on the McDonald’s menu longer than the Big Mac! (No I … never mind…)

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Dammit!!

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Therapist: [over the phone] How have you been coping?

Me: [quietly carving tiny swords to help the squirrels in their war against the birds] Oh, you know – just keeping busy.

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Guess what happens when you’re offended?
Nothing!  That’s it!
Now be an adult and move on.

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Did you hear about the painter who is hospitalized?
Reports say it was due to too many strokes.

What happens if life gives you melons?
You’re dyslexic

What did the blanket say to bed?
Don’t worry, I’ve got you covered!

Why do you take a pencil to bed?
To draw the curtains.

What do you call a frozen dog?
A pupsicle.

What did the tie say to the hat?
You go on ahead and I’ll hang around.

What goes through towns, up and over hills, but doesn’t move?
The road!

Why did the crossed eye teacher lose her job?
Because she couldn’t control her pupils.

What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa?
A Clausterphobic.

What three candies can you find at every school?
Nerds, DumDums and Smarties.

What stays in the corner but travels all over the world?
A stamp.

What do you call a man with nobody and just a nose?
Nobody nose.

Why did the computer go to the doctor?
Because it had a virus!

Did you hear about the shampoo shortage in Jamaica?
It’s dread-full.

And so were those puns!!!!!

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May I add, Fuck you, you stupid bitch. 

It annoys the shit out of me, when ignorant, privileged snowflakes say something like that that casts aspersions on people that gave up EVERYTHING in order for them to be able to say such stupid shit.  You aren’t good enough to clean those men’s shoes.
Dumb ass.

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And here’s another one who’s not worthy to wipe the ass of any of the boots coming out of basic training.  Why is anyone listening to a word him or any of his athlete buddies is saying. 

YOU DO NOT KNEEL FOR MY NATIONAL ANTHEM.  PERIOD!!

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Are there too many illegal aliens in the United States?

YES                              22%
NO                                17%
NO COMPRENDE      61%

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Went to the bathroom without my phone.  There’s 118 floor tiles and the longest word on a Shampoo bottle is “methylchloroisothiazolinone”

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My therapist told me, “Write letters to the people you hate, then burn them.”  I did that, but now I don’t know what to do with all the letters.

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Joe:  Why don’t you play golf with Bob any more?

Mike:  Would you play with someone who curses after each shot, cheats in the bunkers, and enters false scores on his card?

Joe:  No!

Mike:  Neither will Bob.

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Well, 10 am and still no range.  I could’ve slept in this morning … gotten a couple of hours of work in at the job, not wasted leave time … but then again, I did get to spend the time with you guys and I have had a chance to laugh quite a bit.  But right now it’s time to stretch the legs, get some more go juice and then if I still haven’t heard anything thing, I guess I’ll come back and keep laughing with my favorite campers.

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God, that is so wrong!

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Two cannibals just finished a big meal and one turns to the other while rubbing his stomach with his fist and says, “You know, I just ate my mother-in-law, and she still doesn’t agree with me!”

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A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen.  He asked her about it.

“This is the Masterson diamond,” she said.  “It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it.”

“What’s the curse?” the man asked.

“Mr. Masterson.”

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What a cluster fuck!  Like six monkeys fucking a football.  So the Range showed up at about 1230, I showed the guys the old range that they needed to take away and the first question they asked was, “Is it disconnected?” and I said, “No. You guys said you couldn’t hook up the new range because it’s gas and the whole liability thing, but no one said anything about not being able to disconnect the old range.”

“We can’t disconnect the old range.  We don’t even have any tools.”

Long story short, I didn’t have a wrench big enough to disconnect the old range.  So the guys dropped the new range and took off.  I called the appliance guy that I was going to have hook up the new range and asked him to come over and disconnect the old range and hook up the new range, but now the old range is still sitting in my dining room.  And I’ve been playing Jolly-fuck-around trying to get them to come and pick it up (today is now Wednesday).

They wouldn’t return my call last night.  They haven’t returned my call this morning.  I spoke with the manager this morning and he said that I am scheduled to be picked up today and they would call me with a time … that was three hours ago.  I really like the products, but the delivery service sucks.

So, Mrs. Dragon and I ran out early this morning, leaving Izzy Dragon at home in case they showed up, and got our blood draws out of the way and now they can go and do what they need to do while I wait on them to pick up the old range.  And I’ll bet dollars to donuts that it’s not until late this afternoon or this evening before they show.

So, let’s get back to the issue before I get even more pissed off than I already am.

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My proctologist gave me two thumbs up.

Which I did not appreciate.

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Untitled-02

Charisma15

Gravity15

Semper Fi

Serenity

Seriously

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Sesame Street

sex ed class

Sex Education

sex with mermaids

Sex

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Christopher Columbus died in 1506.  If he’s ruining your happiness in 2020 you need to seek therapy.

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And under the category of “How’s that again…?”

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You can say “please” and “thank you” a million times and your toddler will never repeat it, but if you say “ass-faced mother fucker” ONCE …

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Said in Bill Murray’s voice from Caddy Shack.

The only time it’s good to yell “I HAVE DIARRHEA” is when you’re playing Scrabble because it’s worth a shitload of points.

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Thank You For Your Service!

Next week has been exhausting.

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Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the whatever.

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Hell hath no fury like a toddler who should’ve taken a nap, but didn’t take a nap, and just got triggered by something that makes absolutely no sense.

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Every teenager needs to see the above cartoon and see it for what it really is.

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Mice die in mouse traps because they do not understand why the cheese is free.

The same thing happens with SOCIALISM.

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They say sniffing Rosemary will improve your memory.  I sniffed Rosemary once.  She hit me.  I don’t remember anything after that.

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Marriage Tip #2:  When your wife is mowing the lawn, that’s not the best time to ask when dinner will be ready.

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Instructor:  Welcome to salsa class!  Who’s ready to learn how to dance?

Me:  [hiding a bag of tortilla chips] There’s been a misunderstanding.

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Got this one from Bill G …

William G

I think that someone somewhere might think that this is as funny as I did:
Ethel runs over to a co-worker: “Did you tell Helen that I was a bitch?”
“No I did not! I wonder how she found out?”

All the best.
Bill

And yup … I found it funny, too.  So we’re both equally cracked, Bill.

And to be fair, I’ve been called out three times now on one of the memes about Obama not attending the funeral for the General … here’s the “truth” according to Snopes.

https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/greene-report/

Thanks to all of you who sent this in and thanks for keeping me straight.

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Yeah, I’d slap him.

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Oh my … okay, and with that, I think I have to call it an issue.  Still waiting for the pick up guys.  I guess you’ll find out on Saturday how it all works out.  Until then, keep smiling and keep loving each other.

Cheers,

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2 Responses to Dragon Laffs #1792

  1. Leah D. says:

    Ever get your wish, but find it comes with a price? I was complaining my vet wouldn’t cut my dog’s nails unless she was in for another problem.
    Tomorrow, my husband will take her in because she has blood in in her urine, and yes, they will trim her nails.
    She is a very old dog, I hope it is just kidney or bladder infection, not kidney failure, or cancer . . .

  2. Leah D. says:

    I remember the days when if you needed a stove, fridge, washer, etc. you headed to Sears.
    Then things were kinda in limbo, I bought from a furniture store.
    Nowadays, you shop at hardware stores.
    My experience has taught me, to buy at Home Depot, not Lowes. I have gotten exactly the same thing for less money. I have gotten valuable information from the sales people . . . seems they tend to hire retired plumbers for the plumbing department, etc. But what really stands out is their delivery service.
    Don’t know if you have Home Depot where you live, don’t know if all Home Depots are as good as mine is, and still don’t know how a refrigerator and stove crap out at the same time!

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