Good Morning Campers,
Well, today is the day … for me, anyway. For you reading this, it has already happened. You should be able to tell how I already feel about this day by the little clues I’m leaving for you. It’s Tuesday morning and they are supposed to be delivering my new refrigerator sometime today. You can see me up there standing next to the floor model with drink in hand … just waiting. Well, the day is already not going well. They were supposed to call me between 0800 and 0830 to give me an idea about what time they were going to show up today. Well, it’s now 0900 and still no phone call.
Not that it really matters I suppose. I took the whole day off work anyway. But, you know. I’m a military man at heart. I like things planned out. I want to stick to a schedule. I want to know how much time I have to fume and worry. And besides, I need to make sure that I pace myself and am not too drunk by the time they get here.
Okay, so I just had to know, so I just called and was told that they are loading up the trucks and will be making their phone calls shortly … so I guess I jumped the gun a little bit.
So, while we’re waiting to find out when I’ll be getting my fridge, why don’t we get some of the laughter started, shall we?
BREAKING NEWS: Opening night for baseball season, a foul ball killed 2 cardboard fans! They will be listed as COVID-19 deaths.
Yup … me, too.
I got this next email from Tom in Oregon. I thought it was important enough and poignant enough to share with you all.
Hello Impish, I’m sure you’ve heard about the “peaceful” protesters in Portland, Oregon and you likely have seen a few pictures or videos too. Our governor and the mayor of Portland blame everything on Trump and his “thugs.” The governor has told us to all wear masks, don’t have any outdoor cookouts or celebrations for graduates and don’t gather in groups of more than ten. Bars and other businesses are ordered to close at 10 P.M. I guess the virus knows how to tell time and comes out at 10:00.
Of course none of this applies if you want to riot, loot and destroy property. All those who want to “peacefully” destroy and burn their city are immune to everything. You are welcome and encouraged to gather in groups of a thousand or more to riot, but if you go to church or have a wedding you will get sick and die. Then the governor says we don’t live in a dictator state and she wants the federal troops to leave us alone.
These guys are not military. They are federal police and are here to help. I think most of the sane people realize that. Anyway, I wanted to share a few pictures so you can see just how peaceful these great citizens really are. You might not see these on the news.
Yeah, Tom. They look like quiet, peaceful protestors to me. Thank you for sharing your perspective with the rest of us. These are definitely pictures that we wouldn’t get a chance to see on the main-stream media.
Okay, that is scary as Fuck! If I saw that rising in the morning I would know it was the end of the world … or 2020.
Oh, damn. There it is! Been looking for that.
And speaking of stupid shit. (We were speaking of stupid shit, right? Yeah, okay, right) So, speaking of stupid shit, this is the headline that popped up on my tablet last night as I was heading to bed …
“Grandfathering” to no longer be used due to “racist origins”, says Massachusetts appeal court
Are you fucking kidding me? Now the term Grandfather is racist?
Here’s the exact quote the court used, “Specifically, the phrase ‘grandfather clause’ originally referred to provisions adopted by some States after the Civil War in an effort to disenfranchise African-American voters by requiring voters to pass literacy tests or meet other significant qualifications, while exempting from such requirements those who were descendants of men who were eligible to vote prior to 1867,” Milkey wrote.
In lieu of the “grandfathered” phrase, the court wrote that they law “provides a certain level of protection to all structures that predate applicable zoning restrictions.”
Oh my god, you pussy, snowflake, cupcakes! The word is used to describe a situation in so many other times and places, but because it was used in this one time and place you are now going to say it is racist? ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MINDS?
You know the slaves were put into chains and whipped while they were in the fields … are the terms “whips” and “chains” now racist terms? I think there is a whole S&M community out there who might take umbrage with that. They were forced to pick cotton, are we now going to say that cotton is a racist plant? Do we have to rename it? Or do we have to start making our clothing out of something else? Are present-day cotton farmers racist because they continue to traffic in this evil, devil weed?
The word “Grandfather?” For crying-out-loud! Is there nobody out there with a lick of common sense. This was a state court of appeals who came up with this!!! YOU FUCKING COWTOWING PUSSIES!!!
Grow a pair of balls and stand up for yourselves and stop parading in front of the damn cameras! Yes, racism is a horrible problem that we have in the world right now, but do you honestly think you are helping by making this stupid shit up? The term “Grandfathering” and the word “Grandfather” IS NOT RACIST.
As long as we keep bringing stupid shit up and those of you who keep finding stupid racist shit where there isn’t any? YOU ARE THE RACISTS!!!! Leave the rest of us the fuck alone.
Okay, so yeah…I did jump up on the soapbox and rant a bit. It just started out as being a bit of a funny thing I read and the more I wrote the more pissed off I got so … I almost deleted it, but decided to leave it in. You guys will let me know whether I made the right decision or not, I’m sure.
Nothing says “Unity” like playing a separate National Anthem for black people and white people at NFL games.
Yeah, no shit.
Want to come over and watch porn on my flat screen mirror?
Do you know what really makes me smile?
Think about it – laugh for the day: The federal government which has the “Tomahawk” cruise missiles and the “Apache,” “Blackhawk,” “Kiowa,” and “Lakota” helicopters and used the code name “Geronimo” in the attack that killed Osama bin Laden, officially object to the name of the Washington “Redskins”.
It’s a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! “Who’s been eating my porridge?” he squeaks. Father Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! “Who’s been eating my porridge?” he roars. Mother Bear sticks her head out the kitchen door and yells, “For Pete’s sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It was Mother Bear who got up first. It was Mother Bear who woke everybody else in the house up. It was Mother Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mother Bear who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper. It was Mother Bear who set the table. It was Mother Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat’s water and food dish. And now that you’ve decided to come down stairs and grace me with your presence, listen good because I’m only going to say this one more time. “I haven’t made the porridge yet?”.
Quick fridge update…1030 … still no phone call … alcohol level has risen substantially, has stayed pretty much on par with my stress level. I think I might just be freaking out a tiny bit. Not 100% sure, but my two dogs are telling me that day drinking is a pretty good sign of it. Okay, back to the laughter.
Assistant: “Sir, can I have a day off next week to visit my mother-in-law?”
Boss: “Certainly not!”
Assistant: “Thank you so much sir! I knew you would be understand.”
Another quick fridge update – I can’t believe I missed that I had a voicemail waiting on my phone – seems Luke, the delivery guy called and said that he would be delivering the fridge between 1200 and 1400 and had my address and could I please call him back to verify that someone would be home and the address. Seems he called the same time I was calling to see if I was going to get a call. Now, don’t I feel stupid? Nope, just S.O.P. for the way I figure today is going to go.
Yup … I saw something else … and they are both one of my greatest pleasures in life. And I don’t need to consult a psychologist.
Traveling through the country, an old couple drives into a gas station. The attendant asks the old man, “Where you folks from? I know everybody in this town.”
The old man says, “We’re from Nebraska.”
Hard of hearing, the old lady nudges her husband, “What did he say, papa?”
The old man answers her, “He asked us where we are from.”
“Oh,” replies the old woman.
The old man tells the attendant to fill up the tank and check the tires. When tat’s all done, the attendant tells the old man, “You know, the worst piece of ass I ever had was from Nebraska.”
The old lady nudges her husband once more and asks, “What did he say, papa?”
The husband replies, “He thinks he knows you, mama.”
My friend told me that he had the body of a Greek god. I had to explain to him that Buddha is not Greek.
Wow! The miracles of modern medi … er … um … cooking?
Don’t break anyone’s heart; they only have one. Break their bones; they have 206.
Stephanie sent this next one and said, “You were asking for it.”
Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross. “Something for this, I have.” Yoda says.
He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.
He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.
When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a hole in the fence around Yoda’s garden.
“Something I have for this.” Yoda says again. Once again, he takes a bunch of forks out of his bag and, using duct tape, tapes them in to patch the hole.
Yoda and Luke return to Yoda’s home, where Yoda looks through his bag. He’s used all his forks but one, he discovers.
“That’s ok Master.” Luke says, wanting to be helpful. “I’ll write us a note reminding us to buy more.”
So he writes the note and uses the very last fork to pin it to the bulletin board.
He looks down at Yoda expecting pride, but instead finds a look of horror.
“Master Yoda!” he asks. “What did I do wrong?”
Yoda replies sagely, “A Jedi uses the forks for no ledge and the fence. Never for a tack!”
Stephanie was right. It was awful and I deserved every bit of it. I’m sorry Steph. I do love you, though.
Stephanie sent me this one next…I’m sure it will be better.
So a horse, a cow, and a chicken live on a farm. One day their owner goes on vacation but accidentally leaves the TV on. The animals peek in the window and witness a rock concert on the TV, they’re inspired.
So the horse calls up guitar center, and asks “hey I want to learn the guitar, but there’s one problem: I’m a horse.” The employee says “no problem come right down we’ll teach you everything you need to know” and before you know it, he’s jamming out on the guitar. After that the cow calls too and says “hey I want to learn how to play the bass but there’s a problem: I’m a cow” to where the employee replies “awesome! We have special bass lessons just for cows this week come on down!” And before you know it the horse and cow are jamming in harmony with their guitar and bass. Lastly the chicken calls and asks for drum lessons, to where he is accepted with open arms. They are now all jamming in the barn and having a blast.
A few days later, a record producer coincidentally walks through town and sees the horse, cow, and the chicken making music. He instantly knows he has to make them famous and offers them a deal. Now the horse, cow, and chicken are famous, worldwide rock stars making millions of dollars and even moved off the farm to a luxurious estate. With the fortune came fame and life was great.
One day, on the way to tour before boarding the plane, the horse gets a phone call, his mom is sick! The cow and the chicken say “don’t worry we’ll go without you, catch up and the tour will continue it’ll be fine” so the horse goes to check on his mother. It turns out it was a false alarm, but the plane crashes and the cow and chicken die.
The horse is devastated, the money power and fame is gone, the music is in the past, and he is back to the barn, but alone without his friends. In agony and desperation after such a long journey, he decides to get a drink. He walks into the bar and the bartender asks:
“Why the long face?”
Come on Steph! I said I was sorry!
Elon Musk and Bill Gates should partner up to make a medicine that makes your dick long.
And name it ElonGates
Cop: “Turn around.”
Me: “Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never comin’ round”
Cop: “TURN AROUND!”
Me: “Every now …” [gets tazed]
1245 hrs.: Still no joy…
Okay … I got a bunch of these all in a row. For your special entertainment. Anyone who doesn’t think Florida is the most screwed up state in the union doesn’t know what they are talking about:
I think I’ve actually thrown up in my mouth a little
Un – freaking – believable
A miner rests his bones after a very long shift.
“I don’t think I can keep doing this for much longer,” he tells his buddy at the bar.
“You just need a little pep in your step,” his friend says, handing him a prescription bottle. “Take one of these twice a day and then see how you’re feeling tomorrow.”
Hesitantly, but without much to lose, the miner takes his friend’s advice. The next day, he gets more done than he ever has before.
“You were right!” he later tells his friend. “That was the easiest day of my life!”
“Right?!” his friend exclaims. “If you think that was great, try taking an extra tomorrow!”
Trusting him again, he then proceeds to dig out even *more* coal than the previous day. Seeing a trend, he decides to double up his current dose to get even more yield the following day.
But within just a few hours, he begins to sweat vigorously. His heart races. He fills more and more minecarts with coal. Eventually, his reckless motions with a pickaxe lead to a cave-in!
Escaping with his life, he leans on his knees, gasping for air, as his friend claps him on the back.
“What did I tell you! You mined more coal today than the rest of the men combined have done in three months!”
“But we lost 17 men in there!” the miner exclaims.
His friend just shrugs. “Eh, coal-Adderall damage.”
Yup … you guessed it … Stephanie.
It’s here! It’s here! Woo Hoo! Lucas and Lukas came and delivered the new fridge. Well, first they came and picked up the old fridge and in order to do that they had to take the kitchen door off the hinges, take the doors off the old fridge and move it out to the street. Then the two guys had to take the new fridge mostly apart, take the doors off, and all kinds of other stuff off of it to get it through the door. They got it all in the kitchen, in the right spot, then put it all together … well … except the water line for the ice maker and such, I got a buddy coming over on Saturday to help me out with that. Then they had to put the kitchen door back on the hinges and clean everything up.
One hour and twenty minutes. I was truly impressed. Now, all I have to do is wait on the oven … well, range. Whatever the hell it’s called. And that is supposed to be delivered on the 18th … in two more weeks!!!!
After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt.
Turns out she felt the same way. So, I turned the air-conditioning on.
I’m proposing if Halloween is cancelled, kids just dress up and sit on their front lawns and adults drive by and throw candy.
And I think that is an AWESOME idea! If you don’t have a front lawn of your own, like if you live in an apartment, I’ll bet you have a friend who has a lawn!
We can work this out.
I read a stat that the average person eats forty-six slices of pizza a year. This is the first time in my life I’ve been above average at anything.
If Black Panther and Storm had kids … wouldn’t that make them Thunder Cats?
Until you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you energy.
An opinion without 3.14 is an onion.
I Hate waiting in lines …
I wish this woman would just hurry up and pick a suspect.
As I watch this generation try to rewrite history, one thing I’m sure of … it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.
And that’s it for today my friends. More people to thank that I didn’t get to, but I’m so minus on sleep and I’ve got to get this out so you can have it tomorrow to read. Eyes are closing and I can’t see to type. Love and peace to you all.
Cheers ~ Impish Dragon