Good Morning Campers,

I’m going to warn you now that this is probably going to be a short issue if I’m going to put this out for Monday.  I’ve been teaching class all weekend, haven’t had a spare minute to myself and now it’s Sunday evening and I’m just now getting to the point where I’m getting this started, so I’m going to get as much of an issue done as I can so you guys have something to chuckle about on Monday and then … well … I guess we’ll see.

Tuesday, the new fridge is supposed to be here, I hope and pray that that goes well.  I really, really need for something to go well.  So… here’s all your instructions:  All of you … good wishes, prayers, anything that you can send my way on Tuesday will be deeply appreciated.  I know that they are just dropping off and picking up a silly fridge and what could POSSIBLY go wrong, but we’re talking about Impish Dragon here and my luck over the last month.  What could possibly go wrong?  The world has taken that as a challenge lately!

So, enough about that and let’s get on with the laughter, shall we?

If rioters come to your area, please remember, don’t be a litterbug.  Pick up your brass.

Sounds like me!

All men like to think they are marrying nymphomaniacs.  The problem is, after a few years, the nympho leaves and the maniac stays.

A foolish man complains of his torn pocket while a wise man uses it to scratch his balls.

It’s called Karma and it’s pronounced “Haha, fuck you!”

I saw a guy on his motorcycle and the back of his shirt said, “If you can read this the wife fell off.”

I couldn’t believe it today, when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5-year old son wasn’t actually mine … she says I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school.

A man walks into a bar, he sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling.

He asks the barman, “Why are those two pieces of meat hanging fromt eh ceiling?”

The barman replies, “It’s a competition which we run every night.  If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get free drinks for the whole night.”

“Great!” says the man, “But what if I can’t reach them?”

“Then you have to buy all the drinks for everyone all night,” the barman answers.  “Do you want to try?”

“No, but thanks anyway.”

“Why not?” asks the barman.

“The steaks are too high.”

If your boyfriend is cheating on you, don’t worry yourself my sister.  Just go through his phone and find the number of the girl, call her and pretend to be his sister and thank her for helping my brother understand that having HIV is not the end of the world.  Then sit back, God will do the rest.

A guy stole my car last nigh and before I tried calling the police I thought:  “Fuck it, let him explain the bodies in the trunk.”

My uncle picks a fight with me like he doesn’t know how evil I can be.  I’m going to steal his phone and save my two numbers as “Jenny Sweet” and Naomi Big Ass” then repeatedly call him and hang up at 3am.

His wife will do the fighting for me.  Me, I don’t’ fight with my elders.

This woman in Walmart just told her kids, “You’re campaigning for an ass whopping and you ‘bout to win the election.”

Some angry guy with road rage just yelled out his window, “I’m gonna make your life a living hell!”

I yelled back, “Thanks but I’m not looking for a relationship right now.”

A new supermarket opened near my home.  It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.  Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and experience the scent of fresh hay.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.
I don’t buy toilet paper there any more.

I saw 4 guys beating up a kid, so I decided to step in and help.  Little fucker didn’t stand a chance against the 5 of us.

And that’s it for today I’m afraid.  Let’s hope it’s better for Thursday my friends.  My love to you all.

Cheers ~ Impish Dragon