Good Morning Campers,
It’s Saturday. My real day off in two weeks. I’m hoping to take advantage of it, but I guess we’ll see. I won’t really know until after you guys are reading this, so it will be a bit of a moot point. Next Saturday I’ll be teaching class again, so I better take advantage of this Saturday while I can. I’m supposed to have a buddy of mine come over and help me hook up the water to the new Fridge (which seems to be working wonderfully, by the way) so that the ice maker and water to the door will work. We shall see. I hope he shows.
Anyway, it’s been a long hard week and I really need to laugh, so let’s get this party started shall we?
If I was a plastic surgeon, I’d put a squeaky toy in every boob implant.
I will be posting telepathically today.
So, if you think of something funny, that was me.
A man and a woman are sleeping together when suddenly there is a noise in the house, and the woman rolls over and says, “It’s my husband, you have to leave!”
The man jumps out of bed, jumps through the window, crawls through the bushes, and out on the street, when he realizes something. He goes back to the house and says to the woman, “Wait a damn minute! I’m your husband!”
She replies, giving him a dirty look, “So why did you run?”
Today I found out that if you treat others how they treat you … they seem to get very upset.
During WWII, an American Army Captain stationed in England met and fell in love with a British Lieutenant in the WRENS.
After a whirlwind courtship, they became engaged and his fiancée wanted him to spend the weekend at her parents’ home in the country so they could meet him.
When they arrived at a huge estate, a Rolls Royce was parked in front of a circular driveway with a staff of a dozen maids, butlers, gardeners, etc., standing at attention awaiting their arrival.
It was obvious to the Yank that his fiancée was no ordinary Brit, but of the nobility.
Her parents were absolutely taken by her choice of a husband and a delightful weekend was enjoyed by all.
When the Yank returned to his headquarters outside London, he went to the British liaison officer’s office, explained what had happened, and asked what the proper protocol would be for him at the wedding.
“At the wedding, pretty much the same as your American weddings, I would say, but a bit more elaborate.
The big difference would be after the wedding. You will both have connecting rooms in Claridges.
You will both go to your separate rooms, where you will bathe, apply cologne, put on your pajamas and robe, and go to the door connecting your two rooms.
You will rap on the door. She will answer, ‘yes,’ and you will say, ‘I offer you my honor.’
She will respond, ‘I honor your offer.’
That is your permission to enter her room.
After that, it’s honor and offer All night.”
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves.
This is a transcript of an actual cyber sex session. As all of you are well aware, online computers are often used to engage in cyber-sex. Detailed and erotic fantasies are typed into the computer to be instantly transmitted over the Internet. Sometimes these harmless fantasies become fairly raunchy.
This is not the case with the following transcript of an actual on-line cyber -sex session. Either this guy is clueless or has the greatest sense of humor known to mankind.
Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?
Sweetheart: I am wearing an expensive red silk blouse, a black leather mini skirt and high-heeled boots. I am tanned and very buffed. I work out everyday. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?
Wellhung: I’m 6’3 and about 250 lb. I wear glasses and have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought at Wal-Mart. I’m also wearing an old T-shirt, it’s got some barbecue sauce stains on it and it smells kind of funny.
Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?
Sweetheart: We’re in my bedroom. There’s soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my nightstand. I look up into your eyes and I’m smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and I begin to feel your huge swelling bulge.
Wellhung: I’m gulping. I’m beginning to sweat.
Sweetheart: I’m pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest
Wellhung: Now, I’m unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.
Sweetheart: I’m moaning softly.
Wellhung: I’m taking hold of your blouse and I’m sliding it softly off. Sweetheart: I’m throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off of my warm body. I’m rubbing your bulge faster now, rubbing and pulling.
Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and tears a hole in your blouse. I’m sorry.
Sweetheart: That’s, OK. It wasn’t really too expensive.
Wellhung: I’ll pay for it.
Sweetheart: Don’t worry about it! I’m wearing a lacy black bra, my soft breasts are rising and falling as I breathe harder and harder.
Wellhung: I’m fumbling with the clasp of your bra, I think it’s stuck. Do you have scissors?
Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly, I reach behind my back And undo the clasp. My bra slides off. The cool air caresses my breasts, my
nipples are erect for you.
Wellhung: How did you do that? I’m picking up the bra and Inspecting the clasp.
Sweetheart: I’m arching my back. Oh baby, I just want to feel your tongue all over me.
Wellhung: I’m dropping the bra. Now I’m licking your, you know,breasts. They’re neat!
Sweetheart: I’m running my fingers through your hair. Now I’m nibbling your ear.
Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered With spit and phlegm.
Wellhung: I’m so sorry. Really.
Sweetheart: I’m wiping your phlegm off of my breasts with the remains of my blouse.
Wellhung: I’m taking your sopping wet blouse from you and throwing it in the corner of the room.
Sweetheart: OK. I’m pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.
Wellhung: I’m screaming like a woman! Your hands are cold! Yeee!
Sweetheart: I’m pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties
Wellhung: I’m pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out and nibbling on you. Ummm, wait a second.
Sweetheart: What’s the matter?
Wellhung: I’ve got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I’m choking.
Sweetheart: Are you OK?
Wellhung: I’m having a coughing fit. I’m turning all red.
Sweetheart: Is there anything I can do to help?
Wellhung: I’m running to the kitchen. Choking wildly. Looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups??
Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink!
Wellhung: I’m drinking a cup of water. There that’s better.
Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.
Wellhung: I’m washing the cup now. Sweetheart: I’m aching for you lover.
Wellhung: Now I’m drying the cup. I’m putting it back in the cabinet. And now I’m walking back to the bedroom. Wait it’s dark, I’m lost. Where is The bedroom?
Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.
Wellhung: I found it.
Sweetheart: I’m tugging off your pants. I want you so badly.
Wellhung: Me too.
Sweetheart: I kiss you passionately. Our naked bodies pressed against each other.
Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.
Sweetheart: Why don’t you take your glasses off?
Wellhung: OK. But I can’t see very well. I’m placing my glasses on the nightstand.
Sweetheart: I’m bending over the bed. Give it to me baby!
Wellhung: I have to pee. I’m fumbling my way blindly to the bathroom.
Sweetheart: Hurry back lover.
Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it’s dark. I’m feeling around for the toilet and lift the lid.
Sweetheart: I’m waiting eagerly for your return.
Wellhung: I’m done going. I’m feeling around for the flush handle. Uh-oh!
Sweetheart: What’s the matter now?
Wellhung: I just realized I peed in your hamper. Sorry again I’m walking back to the bed now. Blindly feeling my way.
Sweetheart: Mmmm, yes. Come on.
Wellhung: Now I’m going to put my, you know, thing in your umm, woman’s thing.
Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, Baby! Do it!
Wellhung: I’m touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. Ma’am, I’m having a little problem here.
Sweetheart: I’m moving my ass back and forth. I can’t wait another second. Slide it in! Screw me!
Wellhung: I’m flaccid.
Wellhung: I’m limp. I can’t sustain an erection.
Sweetheart: I’m standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.
Wellhung: I’m shrugging with a sad look on my face, my wiener all floppy. I’m looking for my glasses to see what the problem is.
Sweetheart: NO! Never mind. I’m getting dressed, I’m putting on my underwear and my wet nasty blouse.
Wellhung: No wait. I can’t find the night table. I’m reaching across the dresser, knocking off cans of hairspray, your picture frames and your candles.
Sweetheart: I’m buttoning my blouse. I’m putting on my shoes
Wellhung: Now I’ve found my glasses. My God! One of your candles fell on the curtain! The curtain is on fire. I’m pointing at it with a shocked look on my face.
Sweetheart: Go to hell! I’m logging off, LOSER!
Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Nooooooo!
It’s a bad idea to take a dog named Shark to the Beach.
So, a burglar broke into the house … I put the red dot on his chest … and the cat did the rest.
The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
“What are you doing out hear at 2 A.M.?” asked the officer.
“I’m going to a lecture.” The man said.
“And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?” the cop asked.
“My wife,” said the man.
And that, dear friends, describes most old men.
Found out two things today:
1. Kitchen sex can be wild and exciting.
2. The staff at McDonald’s are quite narrow minded.
If she eats her French Fries with a fork, she’s probably not going to do that thing you like.
I’m told to treat others as I want to be treated.
Now I’m facing Sexual Harassment Charges.
1950: I bet in 70 years we will have flying cars.
2020: This syrup is racist
Did You Know: In Medieval England, EELS were used as currency, specifically for rental agreements. (A slippery snake-like creature for housing?) (Apparently) (How weird is that?)
I work at a hotel. A guest asked why there was no Fourth of July parade or any fireworks in town. We were in Australia.
I think I need to lose a little weight. I tried to sit up in bed this morning and ended up rocking myself back to sleep.
These next two are for Papa Dragon Most Senior…
This is a really special picture and it’s especially cool because it’s what Papa Dragon Most Senior (My Dad) used to do for a living for Jersey Central Power and Light Company. He started out as a Lineman and did that for many years.
This award-winning 1967 photo, taken by Rocco Morabito, was titled “The Kiss of Life.” It shows two electrical operators, Champion Randall and JD Thompson, on top of an electricity pole.
They had been performing routine maintenance when Champion brushed one of the low voltage lines at the top of the power pole. More than 4,000 volts entered Champion’s body and his heart was instantly stopped (an electric chair uses about 2,000 volts).
His safety harness prevented a fall, and Thompson, who had been ascending below him, quickly reached him and took a mouth-to-mouth breath. He was not able to perform cardiopulmonary resuscitation, given the circumstances, but continued mouth-to-mouth breathing, keeping Champion’s lungs active until he felt a slight pulse, then unfastened the harness and descended with it on his shoulder.
Thompson and other workers performed CPR on the floor at Champion, whose breathing and heart rate were gradually restored.
Then the paramedics arrived and Champion’s recovery was complete.
His partner had saved his life with what the picture looks like a kiss.
Champion survived and lived until 2002, when he died of heart failure at the age of 64. Thompson is still living. The photograph was published in newspapers around the world and won the Pulitzer Prize in 1968.
There are friends who are not friends, and there are friends who are more than brothers. (Thanks Lynn)
Yeah … I’ve got questions, too.
That moment when you spell a word so wrong that even autocorrect is like, I’ve got nothing man.
Women Love Mythical Creatures:
Men Who Listen
I gently pushed my hand into my pocket and pulled the last one out. It trembled at first and clung to my hand. “Go on, it will be ok,” I whispered.
Encouraged, it flexed its wings and I knew the time was right. It flew up towards the blue, blue sky and I looked on proudly as it made its way to freedom.
The last of my fucks was finally given.
Yesterday I spotted an albino Dalmatian.
It was the least I could do for him.
I’m starting up a new restaurant that serves curry poured over French Fries. It’s called “Curry On My Wayward Spud” and yes, There’ll be peas when you are done.
I was going down the store aisle the wrong way and this guy screams at me, “DIDN’T YOU SEE THE ARROWS?!”
Ducking down, I said, “I didn’t even see the Indians!”
And that’s it for today dear friends. I hope I was able to give you all a smile today. May you all be blessed with your weekend.