Dragon Laffs #1756


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Good Morning Campers,coollogo_com-2293177

The above picture was sent to me with “supply your own caption” I couldn’t think of one, so decided to use it as a header instead.  I kinda like it.

So sad news … well .. kind of a good news / bad news kind of thing.  It’s official.  I go back to regular work on Monday.  So, no more daily Dragon Laffs from me.  I will try to put out as many as I can on a weekly basis since I’ve really grown accustomed to talking to you guys on a daily basis … okay, let’s be honest … I really LOVE talking to you guys every day and I’m really gonna miss doing this every day, but duty calls and I have to answer.  So, I’ll try to work on these when I can, but let’s face it, not having my laptop beside me to turn to in the odd minutes is going to really cramp my style.  But, I’ll do the best that I can and keep up the best that I can and we’ll see how things go.  Okay?  So for now.  Let’s just make the best of it and keep things going the best that we can!

Now charging into the land of bullshit!  Let’s go!

coollogo_com-191534278

1315

Well, now it all makes perfect sense … keep reading …

Finally the truth comes out – This is an extract from Hillary Clinton’s autobiography, ‘The Truth Will Always Prevail’ to be released soon.

“Some years ago, nearing dinner time at the White House, our regular cook fell ill and they had to get a replacement on short notice. He wasn’t the smartest looking guy, in fact he seemed a bit dirty. Bill voiced his concerns to his Chief of Staff but was told that this was the best they could do on such short notice. Just before the meal, Bill noticed the cook sticking his finger in the soup to taste it and again complained to the Chief Of Staff, but he was assured that many Chefs did that.

Dinner went okay, although Bill thought that the soup tasted a little funny. By the time dessert came, he started to have stomach cramps and nausea. It was getting worse and worse until finally the President had to excuse himself. By now, he was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn’t remember which door led to the bathroom. He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened.

As he unzipped his trousers and ran in, he realized to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky’s office with his trousers around his knees. As he was about to pass out, this naive girl bent over him and heard President Clinton whisper in a barely audible voice: “Sack my cook”.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the whole misunderstanding occurred.”

1316

From now on I’m always going to wear a face mask when I go to the grocery store, I prefer a disguise when purchasing obscene amounts of junk food.

1317

Wife:  Can you stop yawning when I’m talking to you?

Husband:  I’m not yawning, I’m trying to say something!

401

The worst part about parallel parking is the witnesses.

402

I want a closed casket funeral.  However, towards the end of the service, please have the organist play “Pop goes the weasel” over and over until everyone in attendance is staring at my coffin with silent, horrified anticipation.

403

Endemic Dumbassery  (FDD*)

Life:  One minute you’re really young and cool … and the next, you’re getting all excited about a new vacuum.

405

OMFG!  Not Family Circus!

Biden said 8 years of Trump would forever alter the course of the nation!

That’s what we’re hoping for!!

406

Those darn sneaky Russians.  They’ve already convinced me to Vote for Trump again in 2020.

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We need Ventilators!  People are dying!!!

 

Quick, let’s fund the Kennedy Center!

FDD*

408

Hot Button Time:

These two short sentences tell you a lot about our government and our culture:

1.  We are advised to not judge ALL Muslims by the actions of a few lunatics, but we are encouraged to judge ALL Gun Owners by the actions of a few lunatics.  Funny how that works out.

And here’s another one worth considering.

2.  Seems we constantly hear about how Social Security is going to run out of our Money.  How come we never hear about Welfare running out of our Money?  What’s interesting is that Social Security recipients “worked for” their money, but the welfare recipients did not.

Profound, isn’t it.

Here’s the Impish Dragon takeaway … stop trying to giveaway what’s mine and takeaway what’s mine.  If you want some, go work for it.  I’m more than happy to help you out, lend you a hand, give you a job, if it’s in my capacity to do so, but I will not give you something for free that I’ve worked my ass off for.  And how can you, as a grown ass adult, take it and hold your head up pridefully? 

409

Dear Lord, please don’t let President Trump say coffee is good.  The Democrats will ban it and I will die.

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I was recently asked if I was happy having a racist president.  I replied, “Of course not.  We replaced him with Donald Trump.”

412

HEY!  Wait a fuc … Okay, yeah.

413

Okay … if you don’t think this is all one-sided, left wing, contrived political bullshit … first read this:

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Now click on this link and read the follow on story:

https://www.nbclosangeles.com/news/local/group-defends-ucla-professor-suspended-after-refusing-to-reschedule-final-exam-for-protests/2378471/

This professor was suspended for doing everything right, for the right reasons, for everything they say they are fighting for, in every way they say they are fighting for, but because it went against what they really wanted they suspended him.

You don’t want equality, you want to do and have what ever you want and throw a temper tantrum or the race card when you don’t get it.  Like a spoiled 2 year-old who grabs something and throws it on the ground to try and break it when he doesn’t get what he wants, or throws himself on the ground and screams and kicks his feet up and down.  And just like that 2 year old, you need your ass beat and sat in the damn corner until you can behave yourself like a respectable human being or you can just stay there.

414

So, I’m at Walmart returning 37 pool noodles (because youth ministry) and rather than explaining the whole story of why I’m a grown man returning 37 pool noodles, when asked, “Reason for return?”  I just said, “The shopping list said noodles, but not what kind … boy was my wife mad.”

415

Cigarettes and alcohol have warning labels because they are addictive, dangerous, and destroy lives and yet women are just allowed to roam about freely.

416

Do not regret past mistakes.  All decisions, good or bad, led you to where you are today.

Disregard this if you are in prison.

418

FDD* (have you figured it out yet?)

When my son was 5 he asked, “What does coffee taste like?”  I replied, “Unfortunately, not as good as it smells.”  His response, “Oh.  Like shampoo.”

419

Wife:  [watching the news]  some idiot tried to fight a squid at the aquarium

Me:  [covered in ink]  maybe the squid was being a dick.

420

Me:  The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches

Wife:  Okay, just throw them out

[Later]

Me:  [helping kids pack a suitcase] Look, I’m as surprised as you are.

421

All dogs are therapy dogs.

The majority are just freelancing.

422

I like the way the claim it was an “epic” death.

Do you think men twitch so much in their sleep because their bodies can’t handle not saying something stupid for that long so it finds another way to be annoying?

Yes.  Yes, that’s exactly what it is.  You’ve found us out.

423

Please, please, please tell me this is a joke!!!!

As you get older you’ve got to stay positive.  For example, the other day I fell down the stairs … instead of getting upset I just thought, “Wow, that’s the fastest I’ve moved in years.”

425

I’m excited that the phrase “Get the fuck away from me” is no longer rude but a public service announcement.

426

Did you know:  (Oh here we go again) A group of unicorns is called a blessing. And that’s it?  Yup.  And nothing about the fact that unicorns are mythological creatures.  Says the little blue dragon.  Moving on …

427

Did you know:  (Really?)  A blue whale’s tongue can weigh as much as an adult female elephant.  Okay, I have questions … why a female elephant and not a male, and who cut it out and weighed it?  Those are really good questions.  And?  Moving on …

428

coollogo_com-27359248

We are in the M’s so we start we Male Optical Illusions and we end with the Marines in honor of Lethal Leprechaun!

Male Optical Illusion

Nope…didn’t get a beach …

Management

man's downfall

maoris

Marco Polo

marine beer pong

Marine Bordom

marine death

marine hitching

marine leathernecks

Marine Pride

marine4

Marines

Marines2

marines3

Semper Fi, brother.

1318

Oh my God…that’s so wrong!

1319

Yup, another one the youngsters won’t get.

Mail Call 2

So, it’s time to reach into the mailbag …

A Sasquatch

As usual, another great offering. I also loved the rant. When so many seem to be against everything this country was founded on the answer seems easy….. there’s the door. Sad that Mr. Floyd died but where were the demonstrations when Minneapolis officer Mohammed Noor shot and killed an unarmed white woman who had done absolutely nothing wrong?

Thanks for the link, very entertaining although it took me a minute to get over you calling me out to something called Sad and useless . Com. Thanks buddy Keep up the great work.

Hey brother, I’ll have you know it wasn’t me who called you out to Sad and Useless … and I promised Stephanie that I wouldn’t mention her name, so I can’t tell you who it was who sent that in. 

I am glad you enjoyed my rant.  I’m glad someone does.  It kinda helps to get it 2b1off my chest, but I’m afraid Mrs. Dragon is beginning to get a bid worried about me and how wound up I’m getting.  Maybe it’s a good thing I’m headed back to work where all I have to deal with is chemical, biological, nuclear, and radiological threats and survival all day.  You know … the easy stuff.  LOL!

Cheers, brother and thanks for writing.

Leah D

Besides the censorship by Facebook, I have been unfriended, etc. because I post links, my views. Then I want to watch a little TV before I go to sleep, and they have put the same racial rant program on about 85% of the stations I watch. They are trying to force feed their view. I did not, will not watch it because of that very reason.

Hi ya Leah, girlfriend.  Yup.  It’s everywhere.  It’s like no one wants to have a dissenting opinion for fear of the wrath of the left coming down on them.  I have never, ever seen such biased reporting on anything in my entire life.  It’s ridiculous. 

Keep your channel tuned here folks, where the truth is still the truth.

1320

Seriously?  Although, you know … I’d buy it and wear it, just to see if anyone notices…

1321

And another, very appropriate one from Leah D.

Leah D

I was watching a news video, heard a small child cry out, and nearly jumped out of my skin.
We have lived in total isolation since the first part of March. Then I realized the reporter must be working from home.
I made a call to the mail order pharmacy, to get prescriptions, and heard a baby cry. I asked if she was working from home? She was, and we talked and laughed a lot about the current situation.
I told her how one of my granddaughters chose a day care that was very close to her work. So now she has to get up early to drive the many miles to drop her toddler at day care, then drive those miles back to her house to work.
There are a lot of people out there, looking forward to going ‘back to work’.
Are you one of them? Or have you enjoyed being at home, working off the dining room table?

I have enjoyed working from home.  It has given me some freedom that I don’t normally enjoy when working from the “office”.  Not the least of which is spending this time with you wonderful campers that I am going to miss most of all.  I have been able to do my job with much more flexible hours, although the people I interact with have taken my flexible hours to a whole new level calling me at all hours of the day and night, but that’s okay, too.  That’s all part of the job, as far as I’m concerned.  I complain, but it’s more tongue in cheek, since I really do love my job and what I do.  I feel like what I do is important and means something, so I have some job satisfaction.  To say I get some strange questions is a bit of an understatement since a lot of people don’t really understand my full job description, but that’s okay, since if I don’t know the answer, I can usually point them in the direction of the person who does.  Working from my dining room table has been a bit of a challenge with my internet provider seemingly doing some sort of “maintenance in my area” almost on a daily basis and me losing connectivity, usually at the most inopportune times, but that’s not that much different than being connected to the government system that has the same problems.

But, I will admit to being excited about going back to work and interacting with other people and I know for a fact that the family will be glad to finally get me the hell out of the house again.

And I wish to say to all of you, thanks for all of the wonderful support and happiness you have brought to me through this, and although we will be cut1a down somewhat, I hope we will be just as supportive of each other as we have been over these last several months in isolation with each other.  And as the little box at the beginning said, we had 82 days of quarantine together.  That’s almost 3 months of sharing and caring.  And that’s not going to stop, just because I’m going back to work in an office.  Just the frequency will cut down a little.  And that will be just a time management thing on my side.  Today is Friday, which means you are reading this on Saturday.  You will get an issue on Sunday and Monday, God willing and then we’ll see what happens.  Maybe I’ll try for smaller issues each day or a couple of larger ones fewer times through the week.  Let’s see what happens.

But for now, that’s it for me for today.  I hope this nice long issue gave you a nice Saturday morning and know that my love and support go out to you all.  Please keep writing and sending me stuff and letting me know how you are doing and I’ll do the same.  Remember, it’s impishdragon@gmail.com

Cheers ~ Impish Dragon

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2 Responses to Dragon Laffs #1756

  1. Maggie says:

    Impish,,
    a reply to Leah,, it was SNAGGLEPUSS, not YOGI who used to say exit stage left,, Yogi would say
    his favorite self-promotion (“I’m smarter than the av-er-age bear!”), although he often overestimates his own cleverness.
    I don’t know how old Leah is and I’m not asking but being 75 I kinda think, it’s amazing that I recall those 2 characters.
    BTW the issues have been FANTASTIC !!!!!!
    mAGGIE

  2. Leah D says:

    I was going to tell you, regarding your goodbye to daily issues, that you are “Going Out In Style”.
    Then I found, like about everything I thought I knew, the meaning has changed.
    ~the old joke about a guy going into a (high fashion) store shooting himself saying that “he wanted to go out in style.”
    ~going out in style: Dying in a gunfight or armed robbery
    ~A man who shot eight people dead in a shopping mall before turning the gun on himself had earlier vowed to “go out in style”, local television said. I wonder if “go out in style” means “die famously” in this context.

    Now this is closer to what I mean:
    ~in style done in a way that people admire, especially because it is unusual, shows great determination, or involves spending a lot of money . . . in great/grand/fine etc style
    Minus the money part, that is more like what it meant where I grew up.

    But what keeps circling through my brain, like a song you get stuck on, is Yogi Bear, “Exit, Stage Left”. No, Sorry! That has to do with all the current flip flop of all the politicians . . . .

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