Dragon Laffs #1745


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Good Weekend Glorious Campers,

Day #69 of our continued Exile.  There’s an infantile joke in there somewhere that I think I should try and make, but I’ll probably just let go, instead.  But, it’s Saturday for you guys and Friday for me and I want to start out by saying that I’m actually starting this on Thursday afternoon having just had my tooth extracted  … let’s see … about 4 hours ago.  And it may be the pain killers talking, but I feel SO much better.  Not great, by any stretch of the imagination, but not in so much pain that I’m considering cutting my own head off to ease the pain.  So, that’s a plus. 

I’m sitting here in my command center, waiting on a response to a work email that I HAD to send out, yes, even though I am on Sick Leave there are still things that HAVE to be done for work.  Anyway, I thought that while I’m sitting here I’d tell you guys about it while I’m waiting.

So, the took a full set of x-rays, and wasn’t that fun, manipulating my mouth 18 different times.  The ladies who did that were very nice, it wasn’t their fault that I was a difficult patient, but I was already set up for when I finally got to sit down to see the dentist, but no.  The hygienist came in first.  Now these ladies, I think are hired because of their sadistic tendencies.  I would not be surprised to find out that most of them moonlight as a dominatrix in their off hours. They have that little tool and give you that line, “we’re going to measure the depth around your teeth” crap and then start poking – really hard! – and spouting off numbers and then they talk to you like they are SO disappointed in you and that you have let them down so much.  And they are always wearing a mask, so all you can see is their eyes and their eyes are sexy as hell, but evil and you just know that you are going to have to do something really bad to make it up to them and get back into their good graces and that it’s going to hurt!

So THEN the dentist comes in and he starts poking around and looking at the x-rays and trying numb me up, which doesn’t work out as well as either one of us wants.  Me, because it still friggin’ hurts when he starts pulling on my lip to get it out of the way and him, because I screamed like a little girl and bit his finger.  So, yeah, neither of us were happy.  When he finally got me numb enough and cut my gum to get things started the (and this is gonna be a bit gross, so you might turn your head if you’re easily squeamish) infection was so bad that it actually squirted out of my gums.  He told his assistant to get the suction in there and then proceeded to milk my gums for the better part of two minutes.  (Okay, I’m making myself sick just talking about it…)  Then it took him all of about 15 seconds to actually pull the tooth and then more infection gushed out.

I know – GROSS!!!!!!!!!!!

So in the middle of June, I get to go back and have two more teeth pulled, a bunch of teeth filled, and then an upper and a lower partial denture made. 

Yup – I definitely let them go too long.  But I’ve had a bit of a busy – sucky couple of years lately, as you guys that have been around for a while know.  If friends and family would just stop fucking dying for a little while I’d be alright!  Dammit!

LOL!

But you gotta laugh.  That’s all I got left! 

So …. that was my morning.  How was yours?  So, right now, I’m going to go back to sitting on the couch and let this pain medicine wear off and see how I feel after that and maybe I’ll even get back to you guys a little bit more today – who knows?  But for now, thanks for being there for me.  You have no idea how much it means to me to know that you guys are there for me, as is evidenced by how many emails and messages and stuff that I’ve gotten wishing me well.

And if any of the above grossed you out or made you feel less of me —

Ah tough.

LOL!

Love you and let’s laugh!

1194

The other day I yelled into a colander and strained my voice.

401

What should you do when you find out someone has 10,000 bees? 

402

SON:  What’s in that fancy beer mug on the mantel?

ME:  Well, that’s your uncle Frank.  That’s where he wanted his remains.  It was his favorite beer stein.  He always said it would be funny.  Never got why.

SON:  Maybe it’s so he could be Frank in Stein?

ME:  That SON OF A BITCH!!

404

What prehistoric creature always got up very early?

The Crackadon

405

And this next joke in the form of a letter … or would it be that this next letter is in the form of a joke?  I’m not really sure, but I do know it’s from Bill and it’s …

Another “Not Quite Politically Correct” story:

This is a little known tale of how GOD came to give the Jews the Ten Commandments.  GOD first went to the Egyptians and asked them if they would like a commandment.

“What’s a commandment?” they asked.

“Well, it’s like, THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY,” replied GOD.

The Egyptians thought about it and then said, “No way, that would ruin our weekends.”

So then GOD went to the Assyrians and asked them if they would like a commandment.

They also asked, “What’s a commandment?”

“Well,” said GOD, “It’s like, THOU SHALT NOT STEAL.”

The Assyrians immediately replied, “No way. That would ruin our economy.”

So finally GOD went to the Jews and asked them if they wanted a commandment.

They asked, “How much?”

GOD said, “They’re free.”

The Jews said, “Great!………….. We’ll take TEN.”

Wishing you a quick recovery.

All the best.

Bill

Awww, thanks Bill.  And another Stereotype blasted.  We aren’t prejudiced here, nor are we politically correct, we pick on EVERYBODY!!!

1195

403

Let’s see, I knew a couple…5 of them, to be exact.

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Okay, is there anybody surprised that I feel like I really want to have one … just to set loose somewhere?

My neighbors listen to really good music … whether they like it or not.

407

Might sleep on the couch to cut down on my morning commute.

408

A trucker picks up a hitchhiker, and they are cruising along talking small talk. She says, “ I am getting sleepy.  Can I lay down in your sleeper?” He nods, and she goes in the back to lay down. 20 minutes later, he hears her calling him. He looks back and there she is, leaning against the back wall, legs wide open, wearing crotch-less underwear. “I bet you want some of this” she says. He says, “fuck no! Look what it did to your undies!”

1196

Some angry guy with road rage just yelled out his window, “I’m going to make your life a living hell!”

I yelled back, “Thanks, but I’m not looking for a relationship right now.”

1197

This was sent in by H.M. and says it was in the paper …

414

Yup, I think a lot of us are very glad that liquor stores are essential.

So yeah, so it’s now Friday and I actually SLEPT!!!!!!  I still hurt a bit, but not at all like I did.  But I SLEPT.  Almost 8 hours uninterrupted!  More sleep in one spot then I did in the last 3 or 4 days put together!  Oh my lawdy, I feel like a new dragon!  My mouth is hurting and I feel like a million bucks, can you believe it!  LOL!  It’s such a shame so much shit is going on in the world right now, but I just gotta celebrate with my campers!

Thank you all for all your well wishes and love and prayers and stuff sent my way, I KNOW you made a big difference. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

409

Only drinking for 3?  Amateurs!  Move over, let a REAL dragon in there!!!

(And anyone who really knows me is laughing like hell right now)

CORONA PRECAUTIONS

I went to the bathroom at a restaurant.  I washed my hands.  I opened the door with my elbow.  Raised the toilet eat with my foot.  I switched on the water faucet with a tissue.  Opened the bathroom door to leave with my elbow.  And when I returned to my table I realized … I forgot to pull up my pants!

And Leah tells this story of going to the bathroom …

Years ago, even the news carried the warning about how germy women’s purses are.  They pointed out how often women go to the restroom, with no place to sit or hang it, the purse is set on the bathroom floor.

I desperately needed to pee!  I had a long way to cover from where I was in the store, to where the restroom was.  But I took that extra second to set my purse in the bathroom sink, before I made it to the toilet seat just in time . . . to realize the faucets were automatic, and now my purse was filled with water!

Yes, it is a true story.

Ouch!

410

I went on a rollercoaster and the woman beside me wouldn’t stop screaming …

Seriously, it was like she’d never seen a penis before!

411

The Bozo criminals for today come from Key West, Florida, where three college students apparently left their brains back on campus. The three bozos, enjoying spring break activities, were desperate to smoke a joint, so they found some convenient bushes to hide in while they lit up. Turns out the bushes were up against the wall of the local police station. Right underneath the air intake for the air conditioning system. Several detectives were at their desks as the fumes began to drift thru the office. They went outside and found the bozos happily smoking away.

Okay, come on!  This one deserves it!  You gotta say it with me!

0a

Thanks everybody, that was great!

412

Nope, not my list.  My list would definitely have different stuff on it.

The Internet:  If you don’t wear a mask, you don’t care about other people.

Me:  Yeah, I thought I’ve made that pretty clear.

413

The best thing about the good old days was that I wasn’t good and I wasn’t old.

415

Absolutely bloody brilliant!  All the way around the best payback EVER!

416

Motivational5

A helping hand

Integrity

Intelaginse

Intensity

Internet Piracy

Internet

Interolerance

Intimdidation

Irish Special Forces

irony5

Irony6

irony7

Is it just me

Is it loaded

Isweartogod

1198

Sex Tip:

Put a little pepper on her pillow so when you put her face in it she sneezes and her coochie grips you like a gorilla fist.

I’m thinking it’s not going to work out well for all y’all.

418

A week ago, my Mother-in-Law began reading, “The Exorcist”.  She said it was the most evil book she had ever read.  So evil, in fact, she couldn’t finish it.  She took it over to the beach and threw it into the ocean off a fishing pier.

I went and bought another copy, ran the faucet over it and left it in the night table drawer by her bed.  I’m going to Hell.

419

I’ll put you in the trunk and help people look for you, don’t test me!

420

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Okay, I haven’t done this for a while, but I think it’s time and worth it.  I’m so pissed off and I’m so disgusted … on both sides that I just have to say something.  So, we’re going to do this …

last word3

And I’m fucking well talking to you Minneapolis!  Now, I could sit here and rant and scream and yell, but I got this great email from Mrs. Dragon that she got from someone she knows and I’m not going to use his name because if you people want to be pissed off at someone you can fucking well be pissed off at me and I’ll meet you in the front yard and we can talk about it.  And before you get the wrong idea, I will tell you right up front that what those four fucking cops (they don’t even DESERVE to be called cops) did was WRONG!!  No ifs, No ands, No buts!  Even if he was resisting (which he wasn’t), even if he was out of control (which he wasn’t), once he was cuffed and on the ground, THERE IS NO REASON TO KNEEL ON SOMEONE’S NECK!  If you are trying to subdue someone … that’s another story.  When someone, in custody, tells you they can’t breath, YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM SERIOUSLY!!!  He was handcuffed and there were four of you!  What the serious fuck?  Okay, enough of that.  You know my opinion.  They will be charged with murder and prosecuted.

(and as an aside – I just got a First Alert Flash that Former Minneapolis police officer Derek Chauvin has been taken into custody)

But now Minneapolis … and by extension Denver and Louisville and all the rest of you FUCKING MORONS!!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?????

Okay …. I said I wasn’t going to rant … take a breath Impish … take another breath Impish … BUT … no take a drink Impish … Okay, here’s the email that Mrs. Dragon Sent me along with the pictures that were imbedded within.

 

Minneapolis you were given the world’s stage and had the world’s ear. EVERYONE was behind you and supported the protest and fight for justice.

• The public spoke out against those officers.

• Police officers all over the country spoke out against those officers.

• Elected Officials spoke out against those officers.

• ALL races and ethnicities spoke out against those officers.

• President Trump spoke out against those officers.

And you wasted it…. you wasted the perfect platform and opportunity to unite everyone together and coordinate a movement that would’ve gone down in the history books as a tipping point for reform. Everyone around the world was on your side and listening…

But you ruined it.

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And one last thing from me, personally to Colin Kaepernick.  NO THEY DON’T!  No body has the right to hurt another human being who is not responsible for what is going on.  How is the looting of someone else’s store, the burning of an Autozone, the rioting in the streets right?

It’s not and you know it. 

I’m Impish Dragon and Minneapolis, Denver, and wherever else you guys are acting out, you blew it!

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5 Responses to Dragon Laffs #1745

  1. Sasquatch says:

    Bill’s story stopped before the end. The camera pans across the desert to find Moses who says “now let me get this straight…. the Arabs get all of the oil and you want us to cut off what??”

  2. Leah D. says:

    Our original family doctor (retired), stressed out over ear aches, sinus infections, and greatly over infected teeth. His words are engraved in my mind, “That’s just too close to the brain!”
    I know you are on antibiotics, but don’t assume you are safe. Pay attention, and demand your care givers do too. Remember, “the knee bone ‘s connected to the leg bone?

  3. Maggie says:

    IMPISH.
    some people will use any excuse to RIOT and LOOT,, then just as easily turn around and complain that they are being persecuted because of they race or religion.
    If cops do things that are not acceptable, because they think that their uniform is going to protect them then they are as bad as those they are pursuing.
    When someone puts on a uniform to protect a city, state, or a nation, their attitude must be even if I don’t like this person, I must do the correct thing under the law.

    I stand with you !!!!
    God Bless and stay well.
    Maggie

  4. Leah D says:

    Assertion vs Aggression
    Protest vs Rioting Chaos

  5. Tommy R. Vassar Sr. says:

    Great issue and as a former police officer I very much believe you are right.

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