Good Morning Campers,

Well, I managed to sleep a total of 6 hours in a row!  That’s like a record for this week.  So, I’m not too upset with the whole thing I guess.  Probably gonna end up napping through the day today (Wednesday for me).  I just sat and figured out my time for the next two weeks and remembered that we’re going back to working on the June Unit Training Assembly, so I have some hours to kill, since I’ll be out on the base teaching next Saturday so I can afford to kinda just float through today … keep track of how many hours I work and not worry about it, cause I’ll have to try to pull back ten hours somewhere for next Saturday.  Oh, by the way, it’s 4:30 in the damn morning!  Sigh.

My stomach is growling cause all I’ve been able to eat is like soup and stuff and you know that’s not going to keep a dragon happy, I’m grouchy and I need some damn coffee!

I’ll talk to you guys some more in a little while.

In the mean time, here’s some stuff to giggle at.  Somebody might as well get some laughs out of this!

Friend:  What are those things you blow on and make wishes?

Me:  Breathalyzers?

Me:  Go Fuck Yourself

Lady in Line:  Excuse me, my 10 year-old can hear you

Me:  That’s who I was talking to

I can’t find my Gone in 60 Seconds DVD.

It was here a minute ago

It turns out the most unrealistic part of zombie apocalypse movies is the lack of protesters demanding their right to be eaten by zombies.

Well, by the time you are reading this you will know whether SpaceX managed to launch two NASA astronauts into space later today or not.

The SpaceX Falcon 9, with the Crew Dragon spacecraft on top of the rocket, sits on Launch Pad 39-A, Tuesday, May 26, 2020, at Kennedy Space Center in Cape Canaveral, Fla. Two astronauts will fly on the SpaceX Demo-2 mission to the International Space Station scheduled for launch on May 27. (AP Photo/David J. Phillip)

First time we’ve done that in about a decade.  I don’t know about you, but I’m excited.  First time a civilian organization has EVER done it.  1633 hrs. EDT this afternoon.  It even looks a little different than what we’re used to seeing, doesn’t it?  Here’s a picture of the Falcon 9 (which I understand is the rocket portion) and the Crew Dragon [good name, that] (which I guess is the crew capsule at the top)

Pretty Cool stuff!

Let’s get some mail caught up …

These first couple go back to our Memorial Day issue.  I guess it’s been a couple of days since I’ve been out to the mail box.  First our daily message from Leah …

Leah D.

I watch as Utah’s numbers go up and up, faster since they went from red to orange. Now most of the State is yellow . . . except for a few places, and one is West Valley City, where I live. We have the highest numbers.
We will decorate graves on Wednesday, when everyone has gone and we don’t have to worry about social distancing.
The National Memorial Day Concert, to air on PBS on Sunday at 8 PM. It will be different, because of the virus, but I am amazed and so grateful they are still doing it.
Don and I always make like we are actually attending it. We rise for the Flag, and the Anthem, and clap to honor the vets whose lives made a difference in all of our lives.
And we cry a lot . . .

Yeah, I cry a lot, too, Leah…but mostly I feel a sense of pride.  I got a lot of emails and text messages from buddies and friends and family over the weekend.  And although it wasn’t veteran’s day, it was still nice to be remembered.

Maggie

Dear Impish
I always love your Memorial Day issue.
I too miss the Little Green Fella. The young of today have no conception of what is endured by our GALLANT service people and their families. Those serving are away and those at home must bear the burden of not having their reassuring presence. Due to today’s technology, they can at least share FACE TIME with their loved ones. I appreciate all that the SERVICE people have done for me and this country. I lost my Dad in WW2. , I was only 1 so I never really knew him. but he did get to see me.
I hope you and your family have a wonderful and peaceful holiday.
Maggie

Thank you Maggie.  It was an interesting weekend to say the least.  And yeah, I miss him, too.  Every single day. 
It’s sad that you lost your dad at such a young age and there really aren’t any platitudes that make it better and I won’t try, but I’m sure you’re as proud of him as any daughter could be of their dad.
And I agree, so of the truest and most unrecognized heroes are the family members left behind to deal with things while their spouses, and mothers and fathers and sisters and brothers and sons and daughters are away fighting and dying for the rest of us.  It just makes it worse when we look around and see how unappreciative most of the “rest of us” are for their sacrifices … and for OUR sacrifices.  I have, many, many times, told the wife of one of my guys, “Thank you for your service.” and watched their face light up when they realize that we know that they serve as much so as they do.

Okay, kicking the soapbox back under the table.  Moving on.

Lona

Thank you for your SERVICE,,Bless you for the laughs you give us.

Lona,

You are quite welcome … for both, dear lady.

Bill

Hope you are pain free soon! I feel for you.

Maggie

Impish.
hope you feel better soon
Maggie

Thanks Bill and Maggie.  As a matter of fact, today isn’t quite as bad.  Just unbearable instead of miserable.  LOL.

And a new one from Leah just came through…

Leah D

Hey Buddy! I really do feel for you, but just have to say, “Be thankful for the pain, if you were totally paralyzed, you wouldn’t feel any pain!” No, no, that’s not right, that’s what they told me when I woke up mostly paralyzed.
Give me a minute to shuffle my memory files . . Oh . . . Be Thankful you have a tooth that has to be pulled, ’cause that means you still have teeth!
But truthfully, wouldn’t you be more thankful if all those idiots who made it illegal to get relief from pain, had to suffer all your pain?
The very least they could do is buy you some Jameson.

Um … thanks?

I agree with the last part.  Like I said before, long time arthritis sufferer.  Was getting pain meds from my doctor for a long time and was doing quite well pain wise, then they changed the rules and I had to start going to a “pain doctor” so I started doing that and they kept changing the rules and making it harder and harder and had more and more hoops to jump through until I finally said “fuck it” and just stopped.  It’s a damn shame when it’s easier to live with the damn pain than it is to get relief.  That’s why I have to laugh when I go to a new doctor for something special and they look at my chart and ask me how long I’ve been retired and I tell them I’m still working and they say you still work full-time … with all these issues?  How do you do it with all the pain you must be in?

Yeah, well doc, me and pain – we’re old friends.

Anyway, Thanks Leah…and let’s get back to the fun stuff!!!

Hey, these next guys are almost right next door to me.  LOL!  And no surprise whatsoever! 

The Bozo Criminals for today come from Lafayette, Indiana where police were called to a fast food restaurant to check out a problem in the drive thru. It seems Bozos Michelle Phebus and her husband Tony had spent an evening partying heartily and had come down with a severe case of the munchies. So they drove to a burger joint, ordered a sack of burgers to go and proceeded to pull around. However, somehow, on the way to the pick up window, they fell asleep. Officers arrived to find two sleepy head bozos and a brick of marijuana that never quite made it to the pick-up window.

And does sound like a fair trade, a brick of marijuana for a bag of burgers.  Maybe they should’ve gone for the gravy hot tub instead.

From Insanity to Inspiration, it’s only here at the Motivational Posters

NO       SHIT!

That is one hell of an instinct!

Here are some Life Lessons from Margaret C.  You may have heard them before, but they are well worth repeating.

We all learn lessons that we carry with us through life and we often do so from the time we are very young. Of course, the types of lessons we are learning when we are young are going to be different than what they are when we are older but the results are much the same. Even though we might not learn something directly, we can use the principles behind what we are learning to help us in many different areas. That is true of the 6 lessons contained on this page. They may be funny but they are wisdom, none-the-less.

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.  When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, ‘I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.’

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, ‘Who was that?’ ‘It was Bob the next-door neighbor,’ she replies. ‘Great,’ the husband says, ‘did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?’

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2/6:

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’

The priest apologized ‘Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.’

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, ‘Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.’

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3/6:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.  They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, ‘I’ll give each of you just one wish.’

‘Me first! Me first!’ says the admin clerk. ‘I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.’

Puff! She’s gone.

‘Me next! Me next!’ says the sales rep. ‘I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.’

Puff! He’s gone.

‘OK, you’re up,’ the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, ‘I want those two back in the office after lunch.’

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4/6:

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, ‘Can I also sit like you and do nothing?’ The eagle answered: ‘Sure, why not.’

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5/6:

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

‘I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree’ sighed the turkey, ‘but I haven’t got the energy.’

‘Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?’ replied the bull. ‘They’re packed with nutrients.’

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally, after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.

Lesson 6/6:

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:

(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(3) And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!

There once was a happy little fly buzzing around a barn,
When she came upon a large pile of fresh manure produced by the stock bull:
Since it had been hours since her last meal and she was feeling hunger pains,
She flew down to the irresistible delicacy and began to munch out.
She ate …… and ate … and then …. she ate some more!
Finally, she decided she’d had plenty.
She washed her face with her tiny front legs, belched a few times, then attempted to fly away.
But alas …she had pigged out far too much and could not get off the ground.

She looked around wondering what to do about this unpleasant situation when she spotted a pitchfork leaning upright against the barn wall.
She’d found a solution!
She realized that if she could just become airborne she’d be able to fly again.
So, she painstakingly climbed to the top of the handle.
Once there, she took a deep breath, spread her tiny fly wings, and leapt confidently into the air.
She dropped like a rock and splattered all over the floor…Dead fly…
The moral of this sad story?
Never fly off the handle when you know you’re full of bullshit!

And the final one from Margaret …

The madam opened the br0thel door in Miami and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking old man in his late sixties or early seventies:
“May I help you, sir?” She asked.
The old man replied. “I want to see Valerie.”
“Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else.” Said the madam.
He replied. “No, I must see Valerie.”
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $10,000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the old man pulled out ten thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs.
After an hour, the old man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.

“There are no discounts. The price is still $10,000.”
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.
The following night the old man was there yet again.
Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the old man.
“No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?”
The old man replied. “St. Louis.”
“Really.” She said. “I have family in St. Louis.”
“I know.” The old man said.
“Your sister died and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $30,000 inheritance.”
The moral of this story is, that three things in life are certain:
1. Death.
2. Taxes.
3. Being screwed by a lawyer.

Hmmm …. I sense a theme here….LOL!  Thanks for our “lessons” for today, Margaret!!

As well they should be!

So … the virus was started by someone eating bats…

Which lead to panic buying toilet paper …

Now the quarantine is driving people mad …

I guess you could say they’re going bat shit crazy!

Do you ever feel like your body’s “Check Engine” Light has been on and you’re still driving it like “Nah, it’ll be fine”?

Why is it that your clothes only get caught on the door handle when you’re in a bad mood?

Or your hands are full … happened to me this afternoon.

I hate mosquitoes!

I mean, I know I am delicious, but I don’t give out free samples!

Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.

I’d be in much better shape if SARCASM was an actual sport.

And as the perfect ending for today …

And that is it for today.  I can definitely tell you there will NOT be a Dragon Laffs for Friday, since I will be recovering from my dental extraction tomorrow.  But I should be back by Saturday.  Please remember to write to me, send me your jokes, your cartoons, your memes, your stories, your pictures, your questions, your anecdotes, your …. okay, so I’ve run out of examples …

impishdragon@gmail.com

Love and Laughter to you all!

Cheers!

Impish Dragon