Dragon Laffs #1731 ~ Wednesday


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Good Morning Campers,

Hump Day!  Half-way through the week!  If we make it through today, it’s all downhill from here!  There’s something special about Wednesdays … something … almost magical …. like, if you push … just the littlest bit … the week is almost over and you are at the weekend.  It’s the magical tipping point of the work week.  The cusp of the week.  The fulcrum to the balance.  The teeter to the totter. 

But sadly, that still leaves half the week to get through and to do that, we’ll still have to laugh, so all in favor of getting to the laughter part, say aye…

Seems the ayes have it.

No, I’m not going to ask for opposing votes.

No, this isn’t a democracy nor are Roberts rules in effect.  This is a campground and my rules are in effect and if you don’t like it, go somewhere else.  In fact, Bailiff…Hey!  Bailiff!  Someone wake Guido up!  There you go, Bailiff, escort this miscreant to the stream and toss him in for good measure.  Sure, you can let him back in after he’s dunked, all are welcome. 

Now, for the rest of us,

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401

Pharmacist to a customer: “Sir, please understand, to buy an anti-depression pill you need a proper prescription.  Simply showing your marriage certificate and wife’s picture is not enough. 

402

A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman, “Which book has helped you most in your life?”

The woman replied, “My husband’s checkbook!”

 

422

Why is this witch still in office?  How can she possibly still keep getting legally voted in?

421

It is cool to be a dragon…but you can’t just wish for it.  You have to be born to it.  And it’s not near as easy as it looks.  It’s hard work…but yeah…it is cool.

423

Now there’s a saying I’m going to have to remember.

I want to be a caterpillar. 

Eat a lot.

Sleep for a while.

Wake up beautiful.

424

Yeah kids, and I’m not gonna help you figure it out.

BRAINS ARE AWESOME!

I WISH EVERYBODY HAD ONE.

425

A Police Officer came to my house and asked where I was between 5 and 6.  He seemed irritated when I answered, “Kindergarten.”

426

I often wonder who Pete is and why we do things for his sake…

427

If STUPIDITY was a disability…

I know a few people who would get monthly checks.

428

Here’s an oldie, but goodie from James C.

The guy Is sitting in the bar all by himself… like there’s no one else in there, it’s just him and the bartender. He’s drinking a beer having a few beer nuts, And a voice says, “hey man, have you been working out? you’re really looking buff!”

He looks around, no, nobody else in there so he goes back to eating his nuts and drinking his beer.

Soon somebody says to him, “hey.,,who does your hair? your hair is really looking good!”

Looks down at the bartender and says, “are you playing some kind of joke on me? because I keep hearing somebody talking to me!”

The bartender says “it’s the nuts“, and the guy says “Huh?” The bartender says, “it’s the nuts, they’re complementary!”

429

And another one…same thing from the same guy…

Guy walks into the bar and orders 12 tequilas all in a row. The bartender sets them up and the guy just starts belting them down one after another.

Bartender says “slow down goddamnit! we don’t drink like that around here…there must be something wrong with you…what’d ya got?”

And the guy says, “I don’t know… maybe two….three bucks!”

Thanks James!!

430

A District Attorney was having trouble with a witness, a pugnacious old man. 

“Do you know any of the jury?”  The old man said, “More than half.” 

The DA asks, “Are you willing to swear that you know more than half of them?” 

The old guy quickly glances at the jury box, then drawled,” I’m willing to swear I know more than all of them put together.”

433

Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place, but you then realize you were looking at the wrong screen and actually crashing into walls?

That’s adulthood.

434

The REAL Murder Hornets

 

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go and they could never return to Earth. The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. “A million dollars,” he answered, “because I want to donate it to M.I.T.” The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. “I want to give a million to my family,” he explained, “and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.” The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, “Three million dollars.” “Why so much?” asked the interviewer. The lawyer replied, “You convince them I’m the best candidate. I’ll give you $1 million, I’ll keep $1 million, and we’ll send the engineer to Mars.”

435

If your wife is irritated, it’s probably because she hasn’t seen her boyfriend since the lockdown.

That makes good sense.

436

Whew!  Thank God it’s near the Texas border.  They’ll be gone and part of somebody’s BBQ in no time!

Don’t be afraid to cut people off. ~ Lorena Bobbitt

(If you don’t get it, look it up)

437

Oh Great!  Now this!…

Coronavirus found in semen of COVID-19 survivors; sexual transmission unclear, study says

https://www.cbsnews.com/news/coronavirus-mens-semen-survivors-sexual-transmission-covid-19/

So, it’s a study from China…on six men…out of a group of 38 who provided samples.  The six men included four who were still infected and two who were recovering.  Read the article, I’m sorry, but I’m not sure what to believe if it comes out of China.  They lied about so many things about this virus and we still don’t know what’s the truth.

438

And it’s chasing Wonder Woman.  That can’t be good.

I just wanna feel wanted by someone other than the police.

403

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Great_Butt

Grieving

Ground Control

Ground Zero Mosque

grounds for divorce

Group Failure

Guard Dog

That’s mine during a thunderstorm

Guarranteed Delivery

Guess (2)

Guess What

Guess2

Guess3

Guinea Pigs

404

“Stop eating out, cook at home, and you will lose weight.”

After two months of quarantine, we can now say for sure that this is a lie.

405

I love the look on that dog’s face!!

Simple Math Problem:
If John has $300 and Natasha smiles at him, how much will John have??

406

Did you know: (Or…You’ve got to be fucking kidding me) In 1916, two sisters, Augusta and Adeline Van Buren became the first women to travel across the United States on two solo motorcycles.  Despite the fact that they were stopped numerous times for illegally wearing pants!

407

Mail Call 1

Two letters from Leah…and we’ll take them one at a time…

Leah D.

I’m doing fine! Why did you ask?
I forget . . . . what were you asking?

It’s okay…it was a test…and…well, let’s say you were on the left side of the curve.

Leah D.

So I’m enjoying this issue of Dragon Laffs, when a swallow flies in my open door. Instead of turning back to the fully open door, it heads for a tiny window, for it sees some light behind the curtains covering it. Then keeps bashing his head against the answer that goes no where.
I called to my husband, “Don! We have a conspiracy nut making a lot of noise, you need to get it out of here!”
They don’t call ’em ‘swallows’ for nothing.

I’m really quite unsure where to go with this one.  There are some obvious one-liners that me, being the gentleman-dragon that I am will go past, then there is the whole conspiracy thing that, I believe, should also be ignored, if for no other reason, then the whole lack of evidentiary foundation built into your argument.  But lastly, I think we should all just feel mostly sorry for Don.  But, I am glad you were enjoying your issue of Dragon Laffs and don’t mind us poking just a tiny bit of fun at you in the process.  Love you Leah.

408Yeah, I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say they ain’t ready.

Three stages of life:

1. Birth

2. What the fuck is this

3. Death

411

Is a booty call an “essential need” that we are allowed to leave the house for???

Asking for a friend.

410

What do you want to bet those damn Murder Hornets are going to be attracted to hand sanitizer?

412

Stepped on my scale this morning and it said: Please use social distancing, one person at a time.

Bastard!

413

1a

And with that wonderful thought in mind, we’re going to call it a day.  Thanks very much for coming along for the ride.  I hope you had as much fun tagging along as I did putting it together.  Until tomorrow.  May you have love and laughter in your life.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

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3 Responses to Dragon Laffs #1731 ~ Wednesday

  1. Donnie Grimes says:

    I just came back to the firepit. Guido will be along as soon as he fetches himself out of the stream.

  2. Leah D says:

    We have a Lays Potato chip factory close to us. Every time I drive by there, I have to go buy fries! They ought to be charging McDonald’s for the advertising..

  3. Bill says:

    There are three stages of aging:
    1. Youth
    2. Middle age
    3. “You’re looking very well”.
    BTW, you are looking very well.

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