Good Morning Campers,
It’s Friday! Already! Well, for me, it’s Thursday and if the truth be told, it’s actually Wednesday night and I decided to get a little bitty jump on Friday’s issue … just to get the tent pegs set and the fire started, as it were. I like to get a good base down before I really jump into things so that I don’t waste a lot of time, early in the morning when I’m not really all there and I’m still groping for the coffee cup setting the issue up and getting the header in and the issue lined up on the runway. It’s a whole lot easier for me if I can just jump right in and get started. And the way it normally works, it is so seamless, you guys don’t even know where I leave off Wednesday night and start up Thirsty merning…damn!!! I have GOT to fine me som coffee!!!!!!
Okay, where was we?
Right, Thursday morning!
Right….Right… Okay…here we go…
My God, I need to start getting more sleep at night or something. Mrs. Dragon and I have been binge watching Justified on Hulu. We are down to the last two episodes which I’m sure we will finish tonight. I’ve also been reading…a lot. I’ve been keeping track…hang on, let me look. I’ve read 18 books since the first of April. That’s 18 books in 37 days or a book every other day, so long as I finish the one I’m currently reading by tomorrow. Mrs. Dragon sent me this and says this is me…
Personally, I don’t think I’ve ever gotten higher praise.
But, that is one of the reasons I don’t get enough sleep at night. I start in reading in bed and before I know it, a couple of hours have gone by and I’m well past my bed time. It’s easy to disappear into a good novel and my tastes are VERY eclectic. I read everything. The only thing I haven’t really been able to get into are romance and western, but I have even dipped my talons into those upon occasion.
I also don’t just stick to fiction, although I will confess that it is my main source of consumption. But, I do find myself reading things that interest me in in all categories. Anyway, enough about my hobbies and interests…what are you guys doing to keep yourselves busy? I mean, other than reading and laughing with me here at Dragon Laffs? And speaking of laughing, shouldn’t we get to some of that this morning? But first, maybe we should get something out of the way… I had this deeper in the issue, but moved it to the top where I thought it would be more appropriate.
Okay Stop! It probably goes without saying at this point in time that I am very politically incorrect, socially incorrect, sexually and genderly (is that even a word?) incorrect and just all around, INCORRECT. We pick on everyone around here and we are not serious in any of it, so please…don’t get your panties (or boxers) in a twist about it. I have actually gotten a couple of emails lately that I haven’t shared hinting that I’ve gone a little too far with some of my jokes and cartoons. If you are in that category, then I’m sorry. If a little bit of nudity bothers you, then I’m sorry for that as well. Trust me, the ones that bother me, don’t get put on here. And yes, there are some that bother me. I don’t want you to not complain if you feel like I’ve offended you in some way, but at the same time, you need to understand that this is not an offensive ezine. We need to laugh at each other and in turn, be able to laugh at ourselves. I’m a fat old man and you see plenty of fat old man jokes in here. Because I think they are funny. If I was a left handed dwarf who liked ice cream porn, then you’d also see that because, come on, who doesn’t like ice cream porn! I guess what I’m saying is…
Another issue to be addressed with home schooling
I can look directly at someone, nod when they’re talking, maybe even throw in a “yeah” or an “uh huh” and still not hear a single word they said…
I think I believe it’s her, more than I believe it’s Dr. Evil.
I’m like a drug. Use as directed. Misuse will get you into trouble. Can be addictive. Use care when mixing with alcohol.
The other day I heard someone say, “Murder Hornets, Fuck Me, what could possibly be next!” and I thought to myself, you don’t EVER say that! That’s like a cop or a dispatcher or a hospital worker saying, “It sure is a Quiet shift.” Don’t ever use the Q word! As a matter of fact, they did a whole episode of that on The Rookie the other night. So, then I saw this…
…And I know just who to blame for this shit!!!
So, this next one is an oldie, but it made me crack up, so it’s still funny and therefore made it into today’s issue.
As a singer I sing at many funerals & I was recently asked by a funeral director to sing at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery out in the country. As I was not familiar with the area, I got lost. I finally arrived an hour late and saw that the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.
As I played “Amazing Grace”, the workers began to cry. They cried, I cried, we all cried together. When I finished, I packed up my keyboard and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I’ve never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.” Apparently, I’m still lost….
As we end week 5 of the lock down, I’ve been thinking of Osama bin Laden. He was stuck in his house with three wives for five years. I’m beginning to wonder if he didn’t call those Navy Seals himself.
An Indian wants his son to have it better than him, so he sends the son away to trade school. The kid comes back after finishing electrician’s training.
The father takes him to the chief and is bragging about how smart his son is. The chief says to the kid “Look, every time I gotta go at night in my outhouse, I can’t read because it’s too dark unless the moon is out. Is there any chance you could put electricity and lights in the outhouse?”
The young Indian replies, “sure thing, Chief,” and he does as asked.
Thus, he became the first Indian to wire a head for a reservation!
And under the category of …
NO FUCKING WAY: A single parking space at The Center, a prestigious office building in Hong Kong, sold for almost $1 million!
Every once in a while someone amazing comes into your life.
…And here I am.
Somebody was asking for me?
Okay, so I’m just a sick enough puppy …. or dragon…that I found this extraordinarily funny.
Now wait! Let’s think about this! What if we could use this power to restore balance to the world? What if, right here, we had the cure to the Coronavirus? The means to halt the influx of the Murder Hornets? And the ability to stop the Land Sharks from ever starting? What if we could defeat the democratic party? What if a Gang of Ass is all we ever really needed? We need to conduct experiments!! First, we need volunteers! Ladies, our future depends on you!! Send pictures to firstname.lastname@example.org and I will start the vetting process…
There’s my baby! And I’ve had you apart on my work bench in to each individual part, many, many times, haven’t I? ….. no…. the picture above…above…
Maybe the hoarding of toilet paper is a fact of nature that I just don’t get
Yup, let’s do some of this.
From today’s column. (Husband: Honey, I broke a glass in the kitchen.Wife: I am coming with the broom.
Husband: It ain’t urgent. You can come on foot) Funny variation: A man comes staggering home at 2am all drunk & hung-over. His wife is standing on the porch with a broom. He says ‘Wow, are you still cleaning or going for a ride?
Many good broom jokes. I remember the first black eye…or maybe the second …. I received from my ex when we were arguing and I held out a broom to her and said, “Oh, it’s time for you to go, see, your ride is here.” I was laughing so hard at my own wit, I didn’t keep my hands up and got popped for my own just desserts. There is another really good cartoon of a guy standing on the front porch eyeing a broom leaning against the railing as he says to his wife, “When did your mother get here?” I like that one, cause it’s subtle. Thanks for sharing Joe
This next one is from Leah D and she’s got a complaint!
I just found out I can give you 4 excellent star votes! My friends and associates thank you for the laughs they will get out of what I stole from you.
I, however, do not appreciate your total lack of compassion! I broke a rib this morning, and here you MAKE ME LAUGH OVER AND OVER!
Well Leah, thank you very much for the nice words, the excellent reviews and that you are sharing this with your friends. As to your complaint, I do have compassion…I’m sure I have it here somewhere…oh yeah, I have an envelope of compassion right up on there on the shelf between the jar of common sense I stole from the Scarecrow and unopened can of competence I keep meaning to send to the democratic leadership. In other words, I’m an evil bastard that will continue to make you laugh long past your broken ribs until you crumble to the ground in a small heap that can do nothing more than shake and giggle!
**Evil laughter echoes through the campground**
(Okay, that suddenly took a really dark turn—you guys look at a couple more cartoons, I need to go self medicate.)
Okay, it’s a couple of days late, but it’s still funny
So, we’ve taken another turn…
I’m not helping, you ought to be able to figure this one out on your own. There’s enough clues there, after all.
And with the idea of eating Moe fresh in your heads, with that, we’ll call it a day. I hope you had as much fun with today as I did. I can’t wait for tomorrow’s issue. Let’s all have fun for the rest of the day and be good to one another.
Sorry, but I have not been offended by anything in your newsletter so far. Perhaps this will help your quest to be more offensive:
Three pals are at a bar discussing their families. The Protestant announces that he has three daughters “one more and I’ll have a volleyball team. The Catholic claims to have five sons “one more and I’ll have a hockey team. The Muslim proudly announces “I have 17 wives. One more and I’ll have a golf course”.
Keep up the good work. All the best.
Aha! Now I know where to get the jar of common sense and unopened can of competence the Governor of Utah seriously needs. He opened the State Parks . . . we are surrounded by states like Nevada, Arizona, and California that have strong stay at home orders because their virus count is too high. So guess where they all went for some fun . . . .?
Your comment about making fun of yourself, reminded me of years back. When she ask, “Who do you think you’re going to satisfy, with that little thing”? I replied, “ME”!