Well, I got a chance to get some of this issue done on Tuesday and some of it done on Wednesday so this is going out to you on Thursday, so it’s going to be a Wednesday/Thursday issue. Not as good as I had wanted and not as bad as I had feared. But, it ended up being a bit longer issue than normal, so in the end…I hope it’s a wash for you guys. I was trying to finish up an issue on Tuesday so you guys had something for Wednesday, but ended up with technical issues and had to have my internet provider overnight me a modem because mine bit the dust. I guess, in the scheme of things it couldn’t have happened at a more opportune time since it worked out on the two days that I was working on base, but man oh man were Mrs. Dragon and Izzy pissed off.
They still had TV and they still had data service on their phones, but no Wi-Fi for almost two whole days! Well, intermittent Wi-Fi. It would come on for 30 minutes and then die for an hour or so. The guy on the phone and I troubleshot the problem for an hour or so and we both decided the modem had to go. It was a couple of years old and since I worked for the government (okay, so I played it up a teeny bit more than was accurate) and I was teleworking currently, he would overnight the modem at no cost to me. He was actually as nerdy as I was and we got along really well on the phone. Anyway, long story short, Wednesday afternoon I was back up and running and all is right with the world…well, as of Wednesday evening, anyway.
So, wadda say we get to the stuff that you want to see and I’ll throw some stuff in here now and then…
Why does Waldo always appear in stripes?
Because he does not want to be spotted.
Justice is best served cold.
Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.
At the lingerie store… Customer: Are these panties satin? Salesperson: No, they’re brand new!
Alexander Graham Bell’s invention of the first telephone was completely useless!
… Until he invented the second one!
A Roman walks into a bar, holds two fingers up and says, “5 beers, please.”
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
Look! More science humor!!!
Kitchen Sex – Because it’s probably my only chance to ever get laid on an island.
I’ll never forget the look on the cashiers face, when she scanned the packet of bird seed, and I asked her how long does it take for the birds to grow once I plant them.
Husband: Honey, I broke a glass in the kitchen.
Wife: I am coming with the broom.
Husband: It ain’t urgent. You can come on foot.
Someone’s Therapist knows about you.
Some days I amaze myself.
Other days, I look for my phone while I’m talking on it.
This next one is from Lynn and it’s going to bring some of us back…it’s g0ing to bring some of us Way back, and some of us aren’t going to know what the hell we’re talking about.
Lost Words From Our Childhood
Mergatroyd! Do you remember that word? Would you believe the spell-checker did not recognize the word Mergatroyd? Heavens to Mergatroyd!
The other day a not so elderly (I say 75) lady said something to her son about driving a Jalopy; and he looked at her quizzically and said, “What the heck is a Jalopy?” He had never heard of the word jalopy! She knew she was old … But not that old.
Well, I hope you are Hunky Dory after you read this and chuckle.
About a month ago, I illuminated some old expressions that have become obsolete because of the inexorable march of technology. These phrases included: Don’t touch that dial, Carbon copy, You sound like a broken record, and Hung out to dry.
Back in the olden days we had a lot of moxie . We’d put on our best bib and tucker, to straighten up and fly right.
Heavens to Betsy! Gee whillikers! Jumping Jehoshaphat! Holy Moley!
We were in like Flynn and living the life of Riley; and even a regular guy couldn’t accuse us of being a knucklehead, a nincompoop or a pill. Not for all the tea in China!
Back in the olden days, life used to be swell, but when’s the last time anything was swell? Swell has gone the way of beehives, pageboys and the D.A.; of spats, knickers, fedoras, poodle skirts, saddle shoes, and pedal pushers.
Oh, my aching back! Kilroy was here, but he isn’t anymore.
We wake up from what surely has been just a short nap, and before we can say, “Well, I’ll be a monkey’s uncle!” Or, “This is a fine kettle of fish!” We discover that the words we grew up with, the words that seemed omnipresent, as oxygen, have vanished with scarcely a notice from our tongues and our pens and our keyboards.
Poof, go the words of our youth, the words we’ve left behind. We blink, and they’re gone. Where have all those great phrases gone?
Long gone: Pshaw, The milkman did it. Hey! It’s your nickel. Don’t forget to pull the chain. Knee high to a grasshopper. Well, Fiddlesticks! Going like sixty. I’ll see you in the funny papers. Don’t take any wooden nickels. Wake up and smell the roses.
It turns out there are more of these lost words and expressions than Carter has liver pills. This can be disturbing stuff! (Carter’s Little Liver Pills are gone too!)
Leaves us to wonder where Superman will find a phone booth…
See ya later, alligator! Okidoki.
You’ll notice they left out “Monkey Business”!!!
WE ARE THE CHILDREN OF THE FABULOUS 50’S … NO ONE WILL EVER HAVE THAT OPPORTUNITY AGAIN .. WE WERE GIVEN ONE OF OUR MOST PRECIOUS GIFTS: LIVING IN THE PEACEFUL AND COMFORTABLE TIMES, CREATED FOR US BY THE “GREATEST GENERATION!”
Lynn adds at the end…
Carbon paper reminded me of my early work days – 6 copies of a letter required. 5 sheets of carbon paper but check for mistakes – you had to pick them up before taking out of the typewriter because you had to go through each sheet, erase the character/s carefully and then type correct characters. How things have changed.
I remember carbon paper, too…and not too fondly I might add. Thanks for sharing, Lynn.
Today I saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall. I thought to myself, That’s a little condescending.
Q: When did humans first discover the benefits of marijuana?
A: During the Stoned Age.
Have you guys heard about these things!!! Murder Hornets!!
A giant Asian hornet, 2 inches long with a giant stinger, called the “Murder Hornet” has been spotted in Washington state. Okay, who the hell started playing Jumangi!!! Come on! This things are nasty! They have killed off entire hives of honey bees and have even been known to kill humans!
I guess they are a real problem in Asia where they kill a couple of dozen people a year. Here’s how they compare in size to other flying insects…
Now, I saw some bumble bees this week end that looked like the size of flying ping pong balls (lower right hand corner) so I can’t imagine this ugly fucker being that much larger than one of those things. And this is one ugly son-of-a-bitch! Take a look at this thing close up!
Yes, those are mandibles on the front that he uses to tear the heads off of honey bees! I’m a friggin’ dragon and this thing scares hell out of me!
The hornet can sting through most beekeeper suits, deliver nearly seven times the amount of venom as a honey bee, and sting multiple times.
This is a real problem. Let’s hope they can eradicate it before it gets a foothold here.
Okay, I’m sorry….#7 made me laugh until I cried. Does that make me bad? I think it does, but it doesn’t matter. I still did!
Don’t join dangerous cults; practice safe sects.
You can’t tell me anything about déjà vu —- I’ve seen it all before.
Personally, I think it’s awesome! They’d have gotten a prize from me. Like an empty ice cream cone or something.
Raining cats and dogs isn’t as bad as hailing taxis.
Okay, let’s go back to being a little political again. This one was also sent in by Lynn and it’s very telling who it’s written by…
Pelosi’s Coronavirus Power Grab
By Bradley Byrne
For nearly two months, my staff and I have been fielding calls from the people of southwest Alabama—small-business owners, bankers, seniors and many others. The government’s response to coronavirus is affecting their livelihoods, and their congressman may be the only voice they have in Washington. But when the lights are turned off in the committee rooms and on the floor of the House, who’s watching out for them? Who’s holding Washington accountable? More important than the flawed message Congress’s absence sends to the American people—that their representatives value personal protection over their constituents’ interests— is the reality. When nobody is around, it is easier to make backroom deals, and Speaker Nancy Pelosi is taking advantage. She has consolidated the power of the institution in her person. Without lawmakers there to speak up for their districts and influence the legislative process, Mrs. Pelosi has made herself the sole voice and negotiator for the House, as it passes massive funding and regulatory bills.
As Congress sits at home, we don’t hear about legislative compromises and breakthroughs between a chairman and ranking member. Instead what matters is when and how often Mrs. Pelosi has been on the phone with White House officials.
Her mode of operating is crystal clear. Once the speaker feels she has gained maximum concessions from President Trump, she calls the House back to Washington to be quickly and quietly herded into the chamber to cast an up-or-down vote—bypassing committees, markups and every process that gives most lawmakers a voice. We’re told no amendments are possible and we shouldn’t even get close to the floor of the House until it is our turn to vote. We have added trillions to the nation’s debt and affected millions of American lives in this ridiculous sham of a process.
The coronavirus has given Mrs. Pelosi the greatest control over the House of Representatives of any speaker in U.S. history. Fear of the virus has given her an excuse to send 434 of us home and essentially say, “See you when I need you.” Before Republicans objected two weeks ago, she even sought an amendment to House rules to allow for proxy voting. Under this plan, representatives wouldn’t even need to return to Washington to vote and pass legislation. They could simply hand over their voting cards to Mrs. Pelosi or one of her lieutenants.
I am not saying the House should throw caution to the winds. Common-sense steps could help with social distancing and prevent the spread of Covid-19 in Congress. But the Founders couldn’t possibly have wanted a government in which the speaker replaces the House she is supposed to lead.
Maybe we should have expected this. Mrs. Pelosi has always enjoyed holding power. When ObamaCare passed the House, she made a good show of asking committees to mark up bills. But none of those bills ever reached the floor. Instead, they were tossed aside and the real bill was rewritten behind closed doors by the speaker’s office. Mrs. Pelosi then blocked all but one Republican amendment before jamming that bill through.
After eight years in the minority, Mrs. Pelosi returned as speaker in January 2019. House Democratic arms were twisted to vote her back into the chair, with promises that things would be different, that her highhanded manner was a thing of the past. But given power again, it only got worse.
While the Senate works in Washington this week, the House will again be told to stay home and wait on the speaker to let us know when she has cut the next deal. Mrs. Pelosi has made clear that she thinks America’s elected representatives are nonessential. That’s fine with her. No doubt her job is easier when she doesn’t need to worry about us—and our constituents.
Enough is enough. It is time for the people’s representatives to have a voice in their federal government.
Mr. Byrne, a Republican, represents Alabama’s First Congressional District
As I’ve said, many, many times before….she needs t00000000o go!
I accidently gave my wife a glue stick instead of a chap stick. She still isn’t talking to me.
I want it written in my will that upon my death, I’m dressed in a superman outfit and thrown from a plane.
If you want to save money this year, tell your kids that Santa didn’t make it through the pandemic.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
An elderly couple was at home watching TV.
Phil had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.
Sally became more and more annoyed and finally said:
“For god’s sake Phil, Leave it on the porn channel.
You know how to fish!”
I just helped my neighbor bury a rolled up carpet in the woods. Her boyfriend would have done it, but he’s out of town.
Nope, not helping the kids with this one,either.
We have a six phase plan to reopen the state. The plan will be a phased plan that we will plan to utilize in phases. The phases will be planned and the planning will be phased. We will move quickly and slowly to open but remain closed. I have created a staff of staffers who will plan the phase and planning while phasing their phases.
And that is our reopening plan.
And that, is how the government works.
Everyone is freaking out about the National Guard in their towns. Relax Karen, it’s not Seal Team 6, that’s Kevin, the bartender from Applebees drinking a White Claw and driving a Humvee at 9 a.m. They aren’t coming for your 86 rolls of toilet paper.
After all the stupid things I’ve done in my life, if I die because I touched my face I’m gonna be pissed!
Boy, ain’t that the truth.
Kids already eating the emergency groceries…
…We ain’t gonna make it!!!
Okay, be honest…how many of you are already at level 3 or even level 4?
Because of the huge demand and increase in deliveries, FedEx and UPS have joined forces and are now Fed-UP.
The world has turned upside down. Old folks are sneaking out of the house and their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors!
For many years, China has denied the Tiananmen Square Protests of 1989 ever happened. Following increased pressure to come clean, they Chinese government has finally released the following official photo of the event:
And yet another, of the many reasons, why we cannot ever trust the Chinese government. Thanks to Aussie Peter for uncovering this photo.
You’re not being oppressed, you’re being inconvenienced. Learn the difference.
Waiting on my Murder Hornet Stimulus Check.
I need to get me some of this.
I got kicked out of the hospital.
Apparently the sign “Stroke Patients Here” meant something completely different than I assumed.
Remember: Mother’s Day is this weekend.
A man walks into a hardware store and speaks to the cashier…
“Got any two watt bulbs?”
“That’ll do, I’ll take two.”
“I thought you didn’t have any.”
I wish I could drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
The Bozo Criminal for today comes from Cincinnati, Ohio where Bozo James Skinner held up a branch of the Kenwood Savings Bank. He flashed a gun at the teller and demanded cash. She gave him what she had and he turned to leave, but suddenly the Bozo walked back up to the teller. He asked the teller, “I’m not from around here, could you tell me how to get to Interstate 71?” She gave him instructions and then watched as he left in his car, taking note of his license plate number in the process. She then called the police, who were waiting for the Bozo when he found his way to the interstate.
I just found out I can give you 4 excellent star votes! My friends and associates thank you for the laughs they will get out of what I stole from you.
I, however, do not appreciate your total lack of compassion! I broke a rib this morning, and here you MAKE ME LAUGH OVER AND OVER!
From today’s column. (Husband: Honey, I broke a glass in the kitchen.Wife: I am coming with the broom.
Husband: It ain’t urgent. You can come on foot) Funny variation: A man comes staggering home at 2am all drunk & hungover. His wife is standing on the porch with a broom. He says ‘Wow, are you still cleaning or going for a ride?