Dragon Laffs #1696– Day 11


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Good Morning Campers,

saturday

It’s Saturday morning.  And it’s quiet.  I’ve gotten one or two emails from work, but no phone calls.  I’ve gotten the state and national numbers and if you are following such things you know they are abysmal so there’s not much sense in talking about them.  My county jumped from 5 cases yesterday to 8 cases today, which is a bit disconcerting, but no where near as bad as some of the major metropolitan areas.  The county that Indianapolis sits in which, square miles-wise probably is close to the same size as my county (okay so I had to look – Marion County, where Indianapolis is = 403, Miami County where I live = 377) … where was I, oh right, Marion County has 1,570 cases and 34 deaths, so I really shouldn’t complain about our 8 cases.  We still have 5 counties in Indiana that are showing as 0 cases.  Guess it’s nice to live in fly-over country.

And here I said there wasn’t much sense in talking about the numbers and what do I spend the first three minutes doing?  Talking about the numbers.  But, that’s all any of us are doing, anymore, right?  Talking about numbers.  Maybe not even COVID numbers but other numbers.  How many days we’ll be on lock-down; how much food do we have left in the house; how much milk is left in the fridge; how much money is left in the account; how much more of this can we take; who ate the last oatmeal crème pies; (that last one would be me)

Well, just stop it!

I see people on line (mostly Mrs. Dragon’s friends, not mine) whining about how they can’t take being “locked-up” any more.  Oh for crying-out-loud!  First of all you’re not “locked-up!”  I’ve worked in the Department of Corrections and County Jail Systems (from the outside not the inside…don’t get the wrong idea here!!) and in a lot of ways they have it way too easy, but in the one way they don’t is that they are all right on top of each other.  They are truly locked-up.  In some of the county jails, there may be 10-12 people sweating, breathing, and farting, twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week in a room the size of your living room. Not my living room, mine’s smaller than that.  You can go outside, move around your house,  and in most cases, even go to the grocery.  You can still do things.  Just be a little inventive. 

Got a Facebook picture from my niece, looks like she’s going camping.  That’s a solitary activity you can do.  Not for everybody.  Not if you are older or have kids that are supposed to be doing the school thing right now or if you live in an area where it’s still cold, but still, think outside the box.  My neighbors had a bonfire and drank and sang songs the other night, which is really not a far step outside what they do whenever the weather is nice. 

Think outside the box.

I read… a lot.  Which is not outside the realm of what I like to do anyway.  When I’m not talking to you guys or at work, my favorite thing of all things to do…okay… other than play darts but I can’t do that right now … and we’re keeping this PG rated … okay, so all those caveats are in place …. my favorite thing of all things to do would be to sit out on my back pergola with a cup of coffee in the morning (look, I don’t ask what’s in your coffee, you don’t ask what’s in mine!) or a refreshing beverage in the evening, a cigar, and a good book open on my tablet.  On a nice day I can go through a whole book in an afternoon.  It’s the only thing that there is that can completely remove me from my thoughts.  If I’m worried about something, or my mind is working a problem or I’m anxious, nothing, not a movie, alcohol, nothing, will completely remove me from that except getting lost in a good book.

I think it was last weekend… I sat and read while Mrs. Dragon watched some of her murdery shows on the ID (Investigation Network or whatever the heck it is.  I tell you, I should really be worred!) and on Sunday afternoon she asked me, “Did you read a whole book this weekend?” and when I stopped and figured it out, I had actually read two and a half…in-between everything else that had been going on.  So, yeah.  So long as I have my tablet, and electricity, I’m all set.  AND if that fails, I’ve got a couple of boxes of paperbacks that will keep me going for a week or two then I’m fucked.

Now, on to the laughter.

coollogo_com-229161403  

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There are still an awful lot of people in our country who are doing that…they are jackasses, too!

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And there it is!!!! The quote of the day!  There’s one every day and this one came early!

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I think I’ve used that one before, but it’s funny enough, I think I’ll use it again.

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406

A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed.
After years of this the wife wants him to quit, so she gets 2 shot glasses, filling 1 with water the other with whiskey.
She gets him to the table with the glasses and has his bait box there too.
She says “I want you to see this.” She puts a worm in the water it swims around. She puts a worm in the whiskey and the worm dies.
She says “so what do you have to say about this experiment?”
He says “IF I DRINK WHISKEY I WON’T GET WORMS!”

899

One night, a torrential rain soaked South Louisiana; the next morning the resulting flood waters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes there. Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Mrs. Thibodaux, waiting for help to come. Mrs. Thibodaux noticed a lone baseball cap floating near the house. Then she saw it float far out into the front yard, then float all the way back to the house; it kept floating away from the house, then back in. Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Mrs. Boudreaux, “Do you see that baseball cap floating away from the house, then back again?” Mrs. Boudreaux said, “Oh yes, that’s my husband; I told him he was going to cut the grass today come Hell or high water!”

900

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers. So when he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head and fired a shot into the ceiling. ”WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?” he yelled.
No one answered.
”ALL RIGHT, I’M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA’ BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN’T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, I’M GONNA DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS! AND I DON’T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS!”
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The cowboy had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, ”Say partner, before you go. . .what happened in Texas?”
The cowboy turned back and said, ”I had to walk home.”

901

So here’s a good place to add a letter that I got from the guy who sent in the last couple of jokes.  Another brother military member.

An introduction: I’m from Annapolis MD. 25 years Merchant Marine Master, I spent a little time driving boats for Uncle Sam’s Yacht club. Also 40 years in the diving industry. Mainly DOD and government, some nuclear. So I understand a good bit of what you do and are dealing with.  

Wife and 2 kids, a daughter and son. She is a 3rd year NROTC Mid and he is a high school junior, also a Chief select in Sea Cadets. They dive as well, so it works well for vacations.

Your story about the hospital with Izzy is interesting. Glad it went well. My 3 went to donate blood at the hospital yesterday. Only one person at a time was allowed in the blood center. They waited in the car, when not donating.

Anyway, hope you can use the jokes. Keep up the good work.

B/r

Scott H

Yup, Scott I can see we have a tiny bit of overlap, it’s nice to hear from another brother Service Member.  Thank you for your service.  Sounds like you got a good couple of kids coming up as well.  I tried to give blood not that long ago and I was told that I can’t because I served in Germany and England, both of which had Mad Cow Disease and they won’t take my blood even though I have a rare blood type.  Isn’t that the strangest thing.  It’s been 31 years since I’ve been there, but they won’t take my blood.  Almost breaks my heart.

Anyway, Thanks for writing Scott…and for the rest of you, I will not give out your email address, I will not use anything but your first name and last initial, even if you ask me to,  and I will even use a pseudonym if you want me to….write to me at impishdragon@gmail.com.  I mean come on!  Do you think Impish is my real first name?  No… my mom called me George.  George Dragon.  I just liked Impish better.

roflmao2

902

Got another email!!!!!!!!

Hey!

Thanks for keeping the laughs coming! Need them more now than ever.

Here in Powell River, BC, Canada, we have no known cases and zero deaths. Probably has something to do with only being accessible by ferry, boat, or plane…and all flights are suspended with the ferries only hauling essential services. This place is like a fucking ghost town.

Oh well, hope all is well there, keep up the exemplary works!

James C

IFIXCATS Mobile Heavy Equipment repair.

Okay, so I took James’s last name out, but left in his company’s name….I thought it was cool and he deserved a plug and he’s way the hell up north of Vancouver!  Surrounded by lakes and rivers and such.  No kidding, ghost town!  But, right now it comes in handy, right?  No cases, no deaths…kick your feet up, have a beer.  Let the weather warm up a bit and it’ll be nice up there, I’ll bet.

I’ll add you to the map James!  Thanks for writing!

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Hey creative community! Just a reminder that Shakespeare was quarantined for the plague when he wrote King Lear. No pressure!!

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Also highly contagious is kindness, patience, love, enthusiasm, and a positive attitude. Don’t wait to catch it from others…be the carrier!

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Your grandparents were called to war. You’re being called to sit on your couch. You can do this!!

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Pro tip: if you get pulled over, just start coughing.

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All these kids who have been learning Common Core math are about to learn how to “Carry the One” from their new homeschool teachers.

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And an email from Joe S.  You know…thinking about it, I sure hope you guys don’t get bored with me sharing my emails with you…too bad if you do.  If you’re bored, skip this part, lol.

hi again,

still have not gotten the rocky mountain oysters out of the freezer!   LMAO    it’s all good.  that is why we live in the USA, so we can choose and talk about how bad something is    that someone else is eating!!  we are doing well here in Nebraska.  keeping the cows milked and getting everyone fed.  don’t go off the farm much,  keep busy building fence.  thanks so much for keeping us informed and up to date on what you know about it all!!

stay safe

joe

You guys remember Joe and the (gag!) testicles!  Yup!  That Joe.  Glad you guys are doing good, Joe.  And thanks for writing.  Glad you are enjoying what I’m sending out.  I’m trying my best to inform, but I’m not sure I’m giving out any better information than anyone else is.  I will tell you when I think something is bullshit and I guess that’s a little better than most of the major news outlets who are either 100% against or 100% for whatever political party you happen to mention.  Anyway, Stay Safe, Stay Home, Stay Happy!

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Oh My Gawd!

I’m sorry…I don’t know what I would do at this point if I walked in and saw this…but I sure as HELL wouldn’t have stopped to take a friggin’ PICTURE!!!

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Motivational

Color names

Just for the record, I take these things one row at a time from my VAST hoard of posters, that are in alphabetical order…and we are only in the ‘Cs’ … and we have yet to have an issue that didn’t have any boobs in it.  It’s not my fault, it’s the nature of the beast… so let’s see…

Combat Stance

Combat_Beard

Comfort

Commitment

One-third of the way there….

committee

committment

common sense 2

Common Sense

commonsense

Two-thirds of the way … could this be the issue?

Compassion

Gods!  That was bloody awful!

compitetion

And there it is…sigh…I’m sorry…not tis week, either.

Compromise

Computer Illiterate

Concentration

Now that’s just gratuitous!!!

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Okay, so mostly cartoons today, but it was a slow lazy day … which is a good thing every now and then.  Tried to mow the lawn and the lawn mower threw a belt, so it’s down at the repair shop…which just happens to be three doors down from me.  Feels funny riding the mower down the side of the road to the repair shop, but it sure is handy. 

Anyway, by the time I get it back I’ll probably need a bush hog to get through the back.  At least I got the front done.

Hey, doesn’t this look cooler:

0a1a

Yup!  Latin!  Latin is always cooler!  Exiled for the good of the realm! 

Anyway, …. oh … stars… what was our current record?  20 on Thursday … so, let’s see:

Tuesday 16 (0)
Wednesday 18 (0)
Thursday 21 (+1)
Friday 18 (+4)
Saturday 17

So…. Tuesday and Wednesday are now out of the running, Thursday is still in First place with 21 votes … yay!

And that’s all folks!

Cheers!

Impish Dragon


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5 Responses to Dragon Laffs #1696– Day 11

  1. mike says:

    Dear Drag
    I’m a bit more than dismayed due to the lack of participation by my former idols in this crisis we are experiencing.
    I read that a few, make that two, movie stars are stepping up and donating money and or effort toward this situation. Haven’t heard of a sports star, taking any part in the solution. I keep thinking about the enormous amounts of money they have made from us, over the years and not participating in this

    In my small hometown, Reading,Oh, every policeman, every firefighter has yet to get a day off or stay at home. And while teachers are not in their classrooms, they are working diligently, on line, to keep lessons so their students stay up-to-date with their studies. The fella that runs the local gas station is there, long hours and making a ton less with the price of gas lately, yet he’s still there. My niece is a nurse and she has never gave a second thought about not going to work.
    So, today, I came to the realization that my heroes have changed.
    Threw out all my hats, shirts and any thing else that promotes false heroes and started to look toward the real heroes in my life that deserve our adulation, respect and support.
    Police. Fire Fighters, teachers and a myriad of people that go to their jobs for the rest of us.
    Today, I’m making a casserole to take to the fire station. it’s what I can do right now.

  2. Leah D says:

    I am shocked, Impish. The picture of the kids and paint . . . of course a picture was taken immediately. It is very clear it will be needed as EVIDENCE in COURT. That baby OBVIOUSLY TOUCHED HIS FACE!

  3. nogardcimsioc says:

    Good Sunday Morning, Impish.

    Still loving seeing these every day instead of every week. I really appreciate what you’re doing.

    Just noticed a weirdness just to the west of Kokomo, IN. Not sure exactly what it is, but here’s a screen shot from Google Earth:

    Kind of looks like a skull, don’t you think?

    Aaaaand…I thought George was supposedly the Dragon Slayer…some irony there?

    As they say on another humor site: Keep Calm and Chive On.

    Donnie

    >

  4. Diaman MacKedsy says:

    You just get better everyday!! Love you and your daily issue. Mom

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