Good Morning Campers,

Okay, so I was REEEAAAALLLLYYYYY tired last Friday when I went to post last week’s Dragon Laffs and instead of scheduling it for Saturday morning I just posted it.  Then I spent like 30 minutes trying to figure out what happened to it.

LOL!  It was actually pretty funny.

Not at the time, but now, you know, looking back.

Anyway, while you are reading this, I’m going through …

I am teaching two classes on Saturday, then on Sunday, I’m teaching a class in the  morning, hosting a bunch of FEMA dignitaries for lunch, a briefing with the base leadership and then giving a tour to the same FEMA dignitaries late in the afternoon.
Then on Monday I start a weeklong visit from higher headquarters…
If you guys don’t hear from me in a week, check the jails first, then the hospitals, then the nut houses, then the morgues, then finally the rooftops.  I suppose as a last resort you can check the woods and forests, caves and caverns, and alternate realities.

Yup. 

It ought to be interesting.

So…..Let’s get on with the laughter…I’m sure I’m going to need it.

 

When you fall, I will catch you.
~ Your Floor

Do you ever go on YouTube thinking you’ll just be on to watch a quick music video then 5 hours later you find yourself watching a tutorial on how to talk to a giraffe.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel.  Beer required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture.

Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery.  That’s how villages were formed.

The wheel was invented to get man to the beer and vice versa.  These two were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals.

2. Conservatives.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer.  This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were less skilled at hunting (called ‘vegetarians’ which was an early human word meaning ‘bad hunter’) learned to live off the Conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ’s and doing the sewing, fetching, and hairdressing.  This was the beginning of the liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men “evolved” into women.  Others became known as girlie-men.  Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that Conservatives provided.

Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant.  Liberals are symbolized by the jackass for obvious reasons.

Modern Liberals like special flavored beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine spritzers or imported bottled water.  They eat raw fish but like their beef well done.  Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.  Another interesting evolutionary side note: many liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their men.

Most college professors, social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, film makers in Hollywood, group therapists and community organizers are liberals.  Liberals meddled in our national pastime and invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn’t fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink real beer.  They eat red meat and still provide for their women.  Conservatives are members of the military, big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, fighter pilots, and generally anyone who works productively.  Conservatives who own companies hire other Conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing.  They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production.  Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans.  That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when Conservatives were coming to America.  They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today’s lesson in world history.  It should be noted that a liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to this post.

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be shared immediately to other true believers and to just piss-off more liberals.

And there you have it.  Let your next action reveal your true self, I’m going to grab a few beers and grill some steaks!  Right after I forward this.

Don’t be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.  Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.

Every week, I entered the state lottery hoping to win; I never did

Finally, I prayed vigorously and, hoping for God’s message, as I walked around the local fairground.

A flash of lightning struck as I was passing by Nadine’s carnival stall.

She was bending over and I saw she was not wearing panties.

I could see the number 7 tattooed on each of her butt cheeks.

I bet on 77, as I thought God had given me a sign.

Sadly, I lost again.

The winning number was 707.

Moral of the story :

Never underestimate the importance of assholes in your life.

Roses are red.
Tacos are delicious.
I use paper plates,
because I hate doing dishes.

I got this one today from Papa Dragon Most Senior:

I’m passing this on because it worked for me today. A doctor on TV said that in order to have inner peace in our lives, we should always finish things that we start. Since we all could use more calm in our lives, I looked around my house to find things I’d started & hadn’t finished.

 

I finished a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a choclutz. Yu has no idr how fablus I feel rite now.

Sned this to all ur frenz who need inner piss.

An telum u luvum.

I’m really worried about him….

I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.

Nobody told me that adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.

100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich owned a car.

Today, everyone owns a car and only the rich owns a horse.

Oh how the stables have turned.

A simplified urine test that may save your life

Go outside and pee in the garden:

• If ants gather: diabetes
• If you pee on your feet: prostate
• If it smells like a barbecue: cholesterol
• If when you shake it, your wrist hurts: osteoarthritis
• If you return to your room with your penis outside your pants: Alzheimer’s

Thanks to Tom for this one:

Virgil hadn’t done very well on the written part of his truck driving test but was still looking forward with hope of being the first long haul trucker in the family. He was about to complete the oral part of the test. The instructor asked the last question; “Okay Virgil, you are driving on an old two-lane mountain road. To the left is a 1000 foot drop off, straight down. To the right is a 300 foot rock wall that goes straight up. You are driving down hill on the very steep road when suddenly, all your brakes are gone. Your speed is dangerously increasing and now you see a train crossing on the tracks at the bottom of the hill, right in your path! What do you do Virgil?”

After a moment of careful thought, Virgil answered; “Well sir, the first thing I would do is I’d wake up ol’ Rastus who’s back in the sleeper snoozin’.”

The instructor was quite surprised and asked why on earth he would wake up his partner at a time like this. Virgil responded; “Well sir, ya see Rastus is from a little tiny town and he ain’t never seen a real big truck wreck before.”

You can decide if Virgil passed or not.

That’s exactly what Mrs. Dragon would do to me…or is it what I would do to her?  Hmm.  Hard to tell.

My friend Jack claims that he can communicate with vegetables…Jack and the beans talk.

Never use a GPS when going to a cemetery.  It’s not nice to hear, “You’ve reached your destination.”

Girls mature faster than guys because men don’t usually develop breasts until their mid 40’s.

How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex? Call and tell her about it.

An old woman walked into a dentist’s office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs. The dentist said, “I think you have the wrong room.” “You put in my husband’s teeth last week,” she replied. “Now you have to remove them.”

How does a woman scare a gynecologist? By becoming a ventriloquist.

What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common? A wet nose.

What do a penis and a Rubik’s Cube have in common? The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

What’s the difference between your boyfriend and a condom? Condoms have evolved: They’re not so thick and insensitive anymore.

What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually search for a golf ball!

And that, my dear campers, is that.

I hope you enjoyed this week’s issue.

Please keep those submissions coming!!  I always, always, always need more stuff to make these ezines better and better for you guys.  Keep sending in your laffs and funnies.

Love to you all!

Impish Dragon!