Just closed out the last episode and have jumped right into this one so that maybe I can get one done in time for Monday.  It’s going to be a long hard weekend, but I’m still going to try to get one done for you guys.  That is my goal.  So, I know the best part of this is the fun stuff for you guys, so what do you say we jump right into that and if I can think of anything to add to it, I will…

I got sent a big bunch of these by Stephanie (I think?) so let’s run them down cause these guys at Liberty Arms are really funny!  And Patriotic…and timely…and…well, you’ll see!

Stewardess:  [on loud speaker]  Please let the staff know if any passengers are disturbing you or behaving inappropriately.  

Me:  Hi, yes.  The woman at the window seat, keeps being incredibly rude, and yelling at me. 

Stewardess:  Ma’am, that’s your toddler.

2023
School will be closed due to high winds.
1983
Tornado Happening.
Go in the hall and put a book on your head.
Also, we are having pizza for lunch.

This one is a true classic that I heard many years ago.  It is so worth running again.  Thanks to Joe from NJ for bringing it back around.

Long but worth reading. 

Please read the entire letter and not skip to the end. 

_______________

This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Michiganm Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan. This guy’s response is hilarious, but read the State’s letter before you get to the response letter.

SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec.

20; Montcalm County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department’s files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2003.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.

We anticipate and would appreciate your full co-operation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,

David L. Price District Representative Land and Water Management Division

** This is the actual response sent back: **

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County.

Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood “debris” dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skilful use of nature’s building materials “debris.” I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is… aren’t the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation, so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department’s dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.

If you want the stream “restored” to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers, but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter… they being unable to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources

(Beavers) and the environment (Beavers’ Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2003? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.


In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears!

Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

My question is…what’s Planet Nine?

Just call it a cool picture.

Joe Biden’s note card doesn’t just tell him which reporters to call on, it includes what order to call on them in and what PRE-SUBMITTED questions they’re going to ask.

Embarrassing.

Embarrassing, but not surprising!

My boss just texted me: “Send me one of your funny jokes!”
I texted him back: “I’m busy working. I’ll send one later.”
“That’s hilarious,” he said. “Send another one!”

Here’s another oldie from Joe from NJ.  This one is special though.  Here’s how he describes it.  Oldie but goodie.  Impish I mean REALLY old.  This was my mother’s favorite story.  She was born in 1918!  And here you go…

Absolutely hilarious!  

These little voodoo dolls are such a pain in the … well … everywhere!

Next up…a bunch of trucker memes and cartoons, in honor of the Whelpling!  My favorite trucker.

Keep your marriage fresh by writing each other little love notes like: 

“I considered smothering you with a pillow last night…but I didn’t.”

Most Of Us Expect Far Too Much From Ourselves
and never give ourselves credit for all the things we’re doing right.  You’re trying your best, facing challenges that would likely overwhelm anyone, and learning and growing every day.  And you’re doing it while feeling a range of messy, confusing emotions and healing from pains large and small from the past.  Stop and give yourself a little credit.  You’re stronger than you know, and you’re doing better than you think.

~ Lori Deschene

When you’re told that mining coal is bad, but mining copper, lithium, cobalt, nickel is good, you know you’ve been DECEIVED.

Okay, I’ll be sure not to … ah … whatever it is that … um … I’m either supposed to or not supposed to do or not do or … I have no idea.

April 1st is named FOOL’S DAY, after Steve April.  He was born on 01 April 1579.  He did 105 businesses in his lifetime.  He lost all his father’s assets, and so everyone started calling him father of the fools. 

At 19, he married a 61-year-old woman who divorced him after a year because of his foolishness.  He used to read all kinds of fake stories like you are doing now.

This would have been a much better story closer to the first of April.

I have worked on some pretty old aircraft, which had some pretty old fasteners, which is to say that I’ve seen an awful lot of these screw heads … but there are a bunch of these that even I’ve never seen!!

If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck…

according to Facebook fact-checkers, it is, in fact, a squirrel.

Earlier today, I saw a bumper sticker that said, “I’m a veterinarian, therefore I can drive like an animal.”  And suddenly I realized how many proctologists are on the roads…

Okay, so someone tell me, cause I DON’T SEE IT!!

Do you hear banjos?  I hear banjos.

You gotta admit, she’s good.  Never breaks character, plays the stupid moron quite well.  We all know she can’t POSSIBLY be as stupid as she pretends to be, but she goes up on stage, all the time and refuses to give in.  That’s dedication to a craft, I gotta tell ya, I admire her.

DO YOU GET IT?!?!  It’s an analogy!!!!  A story that is extra to make a point!!!  So I’ll ask again…you, democrats…DO YOU GET IT!?  Sigh.  I didn’t think so.

They’re not taking away my guns.  EVER.

This was sent in by Friggin’ Pete way back towards the beginning of November of last year.  I told you I was behind in some of my emails.  This is his little essay, but I will say that I agree 100%!!!  This is another of those instances where I can honestly say, “Darn!  I wish I had said that!”

Just my thoughts.

You can argue whether or not Margaret Sanger started Planned Parenthood as a means to keep the Black population under control through abortion. You can argue whether or not Planned Parenthood was a scheme born of a racist Democrat Party to help limit the birth of Black babies. You can argue whether Planned Parenthood has been used as a tool to keep Black People poor and dependent on a racist Democrat Party. You can argue whether or not abortion is morally acceptable, whether it is a sin, whether it is murder. You can make all the arguments you want on Planned Parenthood and on abortion and on who, how, whats, whys, and the moralities of it all but….you can not argue the fact that the Black population of this country would be double what it is if not for Margaret Sanger, Planned Parenthood, abortion and the racist Democrat Party that fought for and backed it all…..

Pete

Very nicely said, brother.  Very nicely said.

Right now about half the country has a conspiracy theorist friend who looks a lot less crazy than they did six months ago…

I have several of them, as a matter of fact.

I always knew I’d get old. 
How fast it happened was a bit of a surprise, though.

And yeah, I wrote that in blue, because I sure as heck could of said it myself.

Me In Heaven

God:  You’re about to get your wings. 

Me:  Garlic parmesan or honey bbq? 

God:  Get out.

Paddy called the RSPCA today and said, “I’ve just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox with four cubs.”

“That’s terrible,” the RSPCA Officer responded.  “Are they moving?”

“I’m not sure,” Paddy says, “but that would explain the suitcase.”

Wife said, “Our new neighbors are so in love.  He kisses her, strokes her hair and hugs her.  Why don’t you do that?” 

I said, “Because I don’t know her that well yet.”

That one is from Izzy Dragon.  She texted it to me and I just had to share it with you guys.

Don’t hate someone for what they look like on the outside.
Hate them for the piece of garbage they are on the inside.

He’s gonna need a bigger gun.

Yup, we’re still doing this.  And Joe goes back to an old standby for his response.  Here’s Marsha’s contributions so we all remember…

No Joe….but I am thinking about that as my retirement plan. Rob bank, spend week spending money so I know what it was like to have money….then when caught identify as gay male…get sent to male prison, no work, great healthcare, can still wear women’s clothes and sex with men….

And now Joe…

Men are just happier people!

Why, you ask?

What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.  The garage is all yours.  Wedding plans take care of themselves.  Chocolate is just another snack.  You can never be pregnant.  You can wear a white T-Shirt to a water park.  You can wear NO shirt to a water park.  Car mechanics tell you the truth.  The world is your urinal.  You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

There you go Marsha… you’re up!!

We are so misunderstood.  Always have been, always will be.

Fellas,
if a chick orders lobster tail on the first date would you be bothered?

Chad Johnson:
They don’t sell lobster tail at McDonald’s

I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else.

And with that, we’re going to call it a night…a day…an issue…episode…whatever.  I hope you guys had as much fun reading this one on a Monday morning as I did putting it together on a working weekend.  May God Bless you with Love and Happiness.

So, here it is the weekend, again, already.  Boy, time sure does fly when you’re … now, how does the rest of that go?  Oh yeah!  When you’re working your butt off! 

It’s been one of those weeks, campers.  Wednesday was especially fun with an exercise in one county that lasted      ALL     DAY     LONG     followed by a county meeting in a different county that same night. 

It didn’t help that there was road work on every single major highway that I had to drive on between said counties. 

And it was cold and windy out. 

And Thursday morning we were under a FROST ADVISORY!!!! 

Did someone forget to tell Mother Nature that it’s SPRING!!!  Stephanie, I’m assigning that task to you.  You are both women of … um … a certain temper.  So, it’s a natural fit.  Thanks! 

So, now before I get in any more trouble, 

Aussie Pete sent me an MP4 of a lady playing two pianos at the same time and I thought it was way cool!  The problem is that I can’t use MP4s.  BUT I found it on YouTube!  And here it is!

Right?  Pretty cool.

Here’s another video for you, this one from Joe from NJ

If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you.

My imitation of Mother Nature.  
…
She’s right behind me, isn’t she?

Daniel Emlyn-Jones, 49, grew the gympie-gympie plant at home but has put it in a cage with a sign that says “Danger”. 

The shrub — also known as the “Australian Stinging Tree” is a nettle-like plant capable of delivering a sting that feels like “being burnt with hot acid and electrocuted at the same time.” 

It is known as the world’s most venomous plant.

Daniel, an online science tutor, said that he wants to promote an interest in plants by cultivating unique flora.

Alternative responses to “I Love You”

*  Who doesn’t
*  I know
*  Thanks
*  A horrible decision, really
*  Why?
*  [Laughs Nervously]
*  [Laughs Hysterically]
*  YEET
*  I’m sorry
*  [Finger Guns]

You spoiled brats with your fancy Cheerios flavors!
  When we were kids Cheerios had one flavor!
And that flavor was paper! 

“As I gaze into the future, I see Impish Dragon screwing up and erasing a bunch of the cartoons and memes from Thursday’s episode.  He ends up looking like a complete … what is the word that the humans use … doomas? … doolus? … no, no, no … Doofus!  Yes, he looks like a complete…”

Alright Sandra Seer, that’s fine.  Yes, I screwed up this morning’s (Thursday’s) issue.  Many of you were very KIND to point it out to me.  Several quite early this morning.  Some comments in the comments section that you can go and check out for yourselves. 

Sigh! 

As promised, I will make up for it with this episode, I hope, by making it a bit longer than usual.

Now, can you guys stop whispering behind your hands and let us get back to it, please?

Yup!  He’ll keep you warm!

But, you won’t like it.

One guideline applies to fat and thin people alike:

If you’re thin, don’t eat fast.

If you’re fat, don’t eat. Fast.

Slight change in punctuation.  

Michael was an extremely avid golfer with a cynical attitude and arrogance, that when he passed away, few people shed a tear. Michael approached the Pearly Gates where St. Peter was waiting for him. Rather than pass through the gates as normal people had done, Michael stopped to ask a question.

“Before I agree to come in, I want to know exactly what kind of golf course you have here” he said to St. Peter.

“That shouldn’t matter to you.” said St. Peter.

“But it does. And then in his arrogant manner exclaimed “Well if I can’t see it, then I’m not coming in!”

“Very well Michael. As you wish.look through the gates.”

He looked and saw the poorest, most rundown, excuse for a golf course that it made him sick to his stomach. “Forget it. There is no way in Hell I’m going to spend eternity playing on that course!”

Just then, Michael heard the Devil calling him over the gate. “Come over here and see what I have to offer.”

Michael peers through the gate and he is elated! There is the most absolutely fabulous golf course he has ever seen! He turns to the Devil and says “I want to play THAT course!”

“Ok. Step on through and it’s yours forever.”

St. Peter pleaded with Michael as he headed off with the Devil and the gates closed behind him.

Michael walked up to the first tee and said “I can’t wait to play! Where are my clubs and ball?

The Devil roared with laughter. “Oh, there aren’t any.”

And therein lies the biggest difference between the two.  With God, you ALWAYS get the truth, He will NEVER lie to you.  EVER.  With Satan, he will ALWAYS lie and NEVER tell you the truth.  If it looks too good to be true, IT IS!!!

So, this is an old one, but a really funny one, so we’re doing it again.

Mrs. O’Donovan was walking down O’Connell Street in Dublin, and coming in the opposite direction was Father O’Rafferty.

“Hello,” said the Father, “And hows Mrs. O’Donovan, didn’t I marry you two years ago?”

“You did that, Father.”

“And are there any little ones yet?”

“No, not yet, Father.”

“Well now, I’m going to Rome next week, and I’ll light a candle for you.”

“Thank you, Father.”

And away she went.

A few years later they met again. “Well now, Mrs. O’Donovan,” said the Father, “how are you?”

“Oh, very well,” said she.

“And tell me,” he said, “have you any little ones yet?”

“Oh yes, Father. I’ve had three sets of twins, and four singles–ten in all.”

“Now isn’t that wonderful,” he said, “And how is your lovely husband?”

“Oh,” she said, “he’s over in Rome to blow that bloody candle out!”

I really love this next one also…you’ll see

In a train compartment, there are three men and a ravishing young girl. 

The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic. 

Then, the young girl proposes, “If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs.” 

The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet. 

And then the girl pulls up her dress a bit to show her legs. 

Then she says, “If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I’ll show you my thighs,” and men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. 

The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full.

Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats. 

Then the young girl says, “If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis.” 

All three fork over the money. The girl then turns to the window and points outside at a building they’re passing. “See there in the distance. That’s the hospital where I had it done!” 

After his annual physical, the sexually active bachelor was waiting in the doctor’s office for the results. 

“Well,” said the doctor, “I have good news and bad news for you.” 

“The way I feel, please give me the good news first,” replied the bachelor. 

“The good news,” announced the doctor, “is that your penis has grown an additional four inches since your last exam.” 

“Great!” the man shouted, “What is the bad news?” 

“It’s malignant,” replied the doctor. 

And then I get this one from Joe from NJ

Impish, 

Is this what happened to

you today?

________________

AAADD, Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. Thank God there is a name for it at least I feel a little better, even though I have it. This is how it manifests  

I was going to water the garden. As I picked up the hose in the driveway I looked at my car and decided it needed to be washed. As I start toward the shed I notice the mail on the porch railing that I brought up earlier. I decided to go through the mail before I washed the car. I lay the car keys on the table and put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table. I notice that the can is full. I decide to take the garbage out first and lay the bills on the table. But since I’m going to be near the mail box on my way to the dumpster I decide to pay the bills first. I take out my check book and see that there is only one check left, the extra checks are in the desk in the living room. On the desk I find a can of Diet Coke that I had been drinking. I’m going to write the checks so I move the can out of the way and feel that it is warm. I should put it in the fridge to cool. On the way to the fridge I see that the flowers need water. As I put the Coke can on the counter I discover my glasses that I’ve been searching for all morning. I had better put them on the desk so I can find them later. But first I’m going to water the flowers. I set my glasses on the counter and fill the container with water and see the remote on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we want to watch television I won’t remember that the remote is on the table so I had better bring it to the sun room where it belongs, but first finish watering the flowers. While I’m doing this quite a bit spills. So I set the remote on the table and get some towels to clean up the mess.
I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
The car isn’t washed, the bills aren’t paid, there’s a warm can of Diet Coke still sitting on the counter, the flowers don’t have enough water, there is still only one check in the check book, I can’t find the remote, I can’t find my glasses, I can’t remember what I did with my car keys.

Then I try to figure why nothing got done today. I can’t understand it because I know I was busy all day and I’m really tired.  
I know this is a serious problem and I need to get some help with it. But I’m going to check my e mail first.

Don’t laugh. If this isn’t you, you’re day is coming.

Redneck word of the day – Cedar.  “I know she ain’t sick cause I cedar at the Walmart.”

Remember — the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.

I don’t know where you got your opinion, but I hope you kept the receipt.

How you doing, Impish?  How’s it going?  It’s been awhile, you doing okay?  Well, this is probably the best answer I’ve read in a LONG time.

Do you think I am over it?  Better than before?
Maybe I’ve forgotten – Doesn’t hurt me anymore?
Do you think that I am doing fine, no tears are shed each day?
Get up and just get going, pain has all but gone away?
Do you think that I am coping, living life just as you do?
If that’s what you imagine…You don’t have a single clue.
I cope, I cry, and I deny; I’ve learned how I must hide;
Keep everything within me, bottled up deep down inside.
I can’t be who I was before; I’ve changed; I’m someone new;
It happens when you have a loss; You would be different, too.
I’m so misunderstood each day, too tired to explain
Not over it, or better – Simply put…I’m not the same.

And now my dear friends and family, there are tears in my eyes.  Yes, I still cry over my dear Mary and yes, I am lonely every single solitary day of every single solitary week.  So ridiculously lonely.  But, I will make it.  I don’t have any choice.  

My dear Mary, in her short life, donated something like 7 or 8 feet to “Locks of Love”  She was very proud of that.

Another golden oldie…

Remember how when you were little you could just rip off your diaper and run around naked and everyone thought it was ever so cute and funny?

Anyway, I need bail money.

Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.

You thought I forgot, didn’t you?  Well, it wouldn’t have been me that forgot, it would have been Marsha, since it was her turn.  But, as it turns out, Marsha didn’t forget.  Just to remind you, here was Joe’s comment that Marsha is replying to:

Marsha, Marsha, Marsha,

Are you telling us then that you identify as a rooster?

…Joe in NJ

And now Marsha…

And a whole lot easier than the work you do now.  Not the response I expected…so…Joe, you’re up buddy.

One evening, two girlfriends and Myrtle went to a nightclub, only to find the place packed with young people. 

At 40, they felt old, but before they could make a dignified exit, a tall, handsome man approached them. 

“Perhaps we were being a little hasty in leaving,” Myrtle thought. 

Then with a big smile, the man extended his hand to one of my friends and said, “Hello. Remember me? You taught me in third grade. 

And that’s going to be it for today, so I can get started on Monday’s issue since I’m working all weekend.  I’m going to try to put something together for Monday.  Until then.

As many of you have already noticed, a bunch of pictures are missing from today’s post. I’d tell you that it’s due to technical difficulties beyond our control, but in reality it’s due to stupidity quite within this dragon’s grasp.

My humble apologies. All I can do at this point is make it up to you next time and bid you enjoy what’s there.

Cheers,

Impish Dragon

It’s Thursday and the week is mostly done.  It’s also a UTA weekend coming up and I have to work, so I’m giving you the normal UTA weekend warning…since I have to work there may or may not be a …

Saturday Episode

Monday Episode

But I will do my level best to warn you and let you know that I am alive and kicking.  I don’t think there will be a problem this weekend because it doesn’t look like it’s going to be that bad of a weekend, but then again, we had snow on Monday, May first…May Day.  So yeah, mayday! mayday!  We had snow on May Day!

I know, right?

I texted Izzy, I said, “Hey!  Good news!  It stopped raining!… … … … And started snowing!!!”

She texted back, “I hate Indiana.”

You know what they say, “If you don’t like the weather, wait a minute.”

I will say that we skipped right over spring.  We went from winter, to summer, and now back to fall, going into winter again.  Global warming my big tail!  This has got to be driving the conspiracy theory guys nuts right now.  Just saw a thing on line that we’ve had more tornadoes this year than most other years.  Well, that has to prove something, right?  But…what does it prove?  They’ll come up with something.  Too much oxygen in the air.  We need to cut down more trees.

Who knows.

I have been getting some really great emails from some of you guys.  We’ve got a fellow camper named Wouter from South Africa who reads us all the time, sent us a great family pic and some great information about South Africa.  I’ll share the family picture if he says I can, so Wouter, if you’re listening, can I share the family picture with the rest of the campers?  I guess we’ll have to wait until the weekend to find out.  But he did give me some great advice about traveling to South Africa.  He said that if you ever travel to there make sure you bring your GPS.  When I asked him why all he showed me was this picture:

Took me a second to figure it out.  Then I laughed like a crazy man.  It is pretty ingenious.  

Anyway….lots of funny stuff to get to today, so whattaya say we get to some of it? Oh, and by the way…

Thanks Pete…now…

Defendant: “Your Honor, I’m being unfairly accused of robbery because I’m a locksmith by profession!” 

Judge: “Can you explain what you were doing at the scene of the crime when the police arrived?” 

Defendant: “Just making a bolt for the door!” 

It would be funnier if you spelled it correctly.

Annoying Things To Do In A Restaurant 

In a fancy restaurant insist the waiter tells you the names of all the fish in the fish tank. 

Ask for a seat for your ‘imaginary friend’. 

Growl constantly and address everyone as ‘Matey’. 

Bring your own menu. 

Stare at a neighbour’s food until they say something and then reply, “Oh don’t mind me, I’m just looking for the piece of food that flew out of my mouth.” 

Burp the National Anthem, call anyone who objects unpatriotic. 

Yell, “Oh no not now!” and make a mad dash to the bathroom. 

That’s all well and good and actually quite funny, but before you leave (or get thrown out) you BETTER tip the server VERY WELL!!!

Joe says: It was the night before my bypass surgery, the doctor wanted me to take a shower; which was fine with me, after three days of using a basin and washcloth. 

As I walked down the hall, I had a Nurse on either side. The one asked, “Are you going to be able to manage OK?” 

I said, “I feel weak and dizzy.  Perhaps both of you would be kind enough to get in the shower with me.” 

The little blonde Nurse looked up and said, “Nice try.” 

Now, I’m not saying that it was OUR Joe from NJ…but it does sound like something he would do.

Friendly kids are always drawing pictures of me.  This one said that since I was a blue dragon, it must be cold where I was … because I was blue because I was cold.  Okay, I can see the logic in that one, I guess.

On a family vacation in Texas, Mike exhibited all the exuberance of a tourist. 

At a diner, he and his brothers ordered cheeseburgers. 

When his meal arrived, the first thing Mike noticed was its size. 

“Wow,” he exclaimed, “everything is bigger in Texas!” 

As he lifted the burger to his lips, his eyes met the cold stare of a 300+ pound waitress…. 

An Irish businessman in the first-class cabin decided

to chat with the drop-dead-gorgeous flight attendant:

“Excuse me, beautiful… What is your name?”

Flight Attendant: “Angela Benz, sir”

Businessman: “Lovely name . . . any relation to Mercedes Benz?”

Flight Attendant: “Yes sir, very close.”

Businessman: “How close?”

Flight Attendant: “Same price.”

Watch: Utah DOT uses dish soap to slide 5.3-million-pound bridge into place

https://www.fox26houston.com/news/watch-utah-dot-uses-dish-soap-to-slide-5-3-million-pound-bridge-into-place

This is way cool.  Well worth clicking on.  This is not an ad for Dawn dish soap, but it ought to be.  Click on the link, watch the video, read the article.  WORTH IT!  Thanks to Leah D. for this one!

So, I had this dream…

What if I see a steamroller?

Our Yearly Dementia Test

Okay campers, it’s that time of year for us to take our annual Senior Citizen Dementia Test.  Exercising your brain is one of the most important things you can do to keep it sharp and strong.  As we grow older, it is so very important to keep mentally alert.  If you don’t use it, you lose it!  Seriously.  Our little test below is a very private way to gauge how your memory compares to the last test.  You guys all remember the last test, right?  If you don’t remember the last test, that’s a bad sign, folks.  

Anyway, some of you may find this test very easy but those of you with memory problems may find it a little difficult.  So go ahead and take the test that those of us here at Dragon Laffs went out of our way to hire the very best doctors (and lawyers) to present here to you today to help you determine if you’re losing it or not.  The spaces in between the questions are so that you don’t see the answers until you’ve made YOUR answers. 

Okay?

You got it?

You ready?

Relax, clear your mind and begin…

 

 

1.  What do you put in a toaster? 

 

 

 

 

Answer:  “Bread”.  If you said “toast” give up now and do something else…
Try not to hurt yourself.
If you said “Bread” go to Question 2.

 

 

 

 

2.  Now, you must actually do this out loud.  Say “Silk” five times.  Now spell “Silk”.  What do cows drink?  

 

 

 

 

Answer:  Cows drink water.  If you said “milk” don’t attempt the next question.  Your brain is over-stressed, may overheat and perhaps even burst into flames.  Flames are good for dragons, not for you guys.  Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Mad Magazine.
However, if you said “water” you may proceed to question 3.

 

 

 

 

3.  If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from? 

 

 

 

 

Answer:  Greenhouses are made from glass!  If you said “Green Bricks” why are you still reading these questions?
If you said “glass” go on to Question 4.

 

 

 

 

4.  Okay, without using a calculator, you are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales.  In London 17 people get on the bus.  In Reading 6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on.  In Swindon 2 people get off and 4 get on.  In Cardiff 11 people get off and 16 people get on.  In Swansea 3 people get off and 5 people get on.  In Carmathen 6 people get off and 3 get on.  You then arrive at Milford Haven…

Without scrolling back to review…

…how old is the bus driver? 

 

 

 

 

Answer:  Oh for crying-out-loud!  Don’t you remember your own age!

It was YOU driving the bus!! 

If  you pass this on to your friends, pray they do better than you.

Don’t feel too bad! 

95% of people fail most of the questions! 

So, I need to thanks Joe from NJ for this one…sorta…it was taken and modified, slightly, by this dragon that I know to make it fit a bit better into this venue.  There were a couple of questions that I left out.  What questions are those?  You ask…well, like so a plane crashes on the border between Canada and the United States, then by international law where are the survivors buried?  Or how about this one…God told him to build an Ark, so how many of each animal did Moses bring on to the Ark with him?  Okay, one more.  My favorite.  If seven men can dig seven holes in seven hours, how long will it take for one man to dig half a hole?

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing…if you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

-Groucho Marx (1895-1977)

Joe sends us this true story…

This supposedly true story is about a pastor (who is not a computer literate person by his own admission) as he told of a real phone call he received from the church secretary.

Secretary: Pastor, we’ve got a problem in the computer lab where you met with the confirmation class last week. Some of the boys in the class started messing with the mice.

Pastor: What?!?! {thinking: we’ve got mice in there????}

Secretary: Yeah, it seems some of the boys removed their balls.

Pastor: {incredulously:} Th..th…they did what?????? How in the world did they do that?

Secretary: They must have used a screwdriver or something.

Pastor: We’ve got some pretty sick boys… I… I… didn’t even realize mice had balls…

Secretary: Yeah, they roll around on ’em all the time.

Pastor: What?????? {still thinking of the little furry real animals} Well…what can we do?

Secretary: I guess we’ll have to put ’em back on.

Pastor: WHAT????????!!!!!!

Secretary: Hmmm….Pastor, are we talking about the same thing?!

Yeah…no.  I’m pretty sure you both talking about two completely different things.

Mrs. Schmidlap hires a maid with beautiful blonde hair. The first morning, the girl pulls off the hair and says, “I wear a wig, because I was born totally hairless. Not a hair on my body, not even down there.”

That night, Mrs. Schmidlap tells her husband. He says, “I’ve never seen anything like that. Please tomorrow, ask her to go into the bedroom and show you. I want to hide in the closet so I can have a look.”

The next day, Mrs.Schmidlap asks the girl and the two of them go into the bedroom and the girl strips and shows her. Then the girl says, “I’ve never seen one with hair on it. Can I see yours?” So Mrs. Schmidlap pulls off her clothes and shows her.

That night, Mrs. Schmidlap says to her husband, “I hope you’re satisfied, because I was pretty embarrassed when that girl asked to see mine.”

Her husband says, “You think you were embarrassed…I had the four guys I play darts with in the closet with me.”

On a recent flight, an elderly passenger kept peering out the window.

Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing-tip light. 

Finally, she rang for the flight attendant.

“I’m sorry to bother you,” she said, “but I think you should inform the pilot that his left-turn indicator is on and has been for some time.” 

A young woman, feeling morning dizziness and strange cravings, goes to see a gynecologist. 

After a thorough examination, the Doctor tells her: 

“Well, my dear, I am puzzled; the test shows that you are pregnant, but when I examined you, I found that you are still a virgin. 

I mean, your hymen is not ruptured, except for seven tiny holes, a little more that pinpricks, actually…. by the way, what did you say your name was?” 

“My name is Snow White”, replies the girl.

I especially like this one coming up, since I used to load nukes for a living.  So I know this statistic quite well.  But they’ve put this together quite well!

My guess is that if a dead body was found in the trunk of Hillary’s car, the FBI would ask Trump why he did it.

I’m laughing at the people saying Elon Musk could have given $44 Billion to “help the poor and feed the hungry.”

Why aren’t they saying that about Bezos, Bloomberg, Buffett, Gates, Soros, Zuckerberg, and Schwab?

That’s the funniest thing I’ve heard all day!!

That’s Democrat math.  The same math that tells us that those of us with a good credit rating are going to pay more on our mortgage to help those on their mortgage with a bad credit rating.

“There’s a corner of my heart that is yours.  And I don’t mean for now, or until I’ve found somebody else, I mean forever.  I mean to say that whether I fall in love, a thousand times over or once or never again, there’ll always be a small quiet place in my heart that belongs only to you.”

Beau Taplin || The Corner

Sorry I haven’t gotten anything done today.  I’ve been in the produce department trying to open this stupid plastic bag.

I’ve had my socks on the wrong feet all day.

And we’re back!  And I’m almost out of time and energy.  Remember last time, we left off with Marsha saying:

So, here it is…Monday…and the weekend is over.  They go by so quick.  I actually had a four day weekend this time around.  Did some special paperwork on Thursday, had a special Mall day with Izzy on Friday, did more paperwork on Saturday, and Church on Sunday.

But right now it’s Saturday…actually, the above paragraph was written on Friday night and then I fell asleep over the keyboard and Izzy Dragon made me put it away and go to bed, so NOW it’s Saturday morning…

It’s Saturday morning and the whole weekend is still ahead of me and while you’re reading this the whole weekend is behind you.  What an odd perspective.

I just got a really great comment from John M. who … well, let me copy it here so we can all share it.  And let me say up front, thanks John.  You can see, right at the top that it’s just a couple of minutes old so, I’m shooting from the hip here.  But, it strikes a nerve in some of the things that I’ve seen over the last couple of days both on the news (I REALLY need to stop watching the news) and in real life.  So, here it is:

Love is a long sweet dream 

Marriage is the alarm clock.

The devout cowboy lost his favorite BIBLE while he was mending fences out on the range.  

Three weeks later, a cow walked up to him carrying the BIBLE in its mouth.  

The cowboy couldn’t believe his eyes.  He took the book from the cow’s mouth, raised his eyes heavenward, and exclaimed, “It’s a miracle!” 

“Not really,” said the cow.  “Your name is written inside the cover.” 

Oh, Okay…and?

Old man Willy Blumenfeld was getting on in years. His son, Harold, had done well financially in ladies’ underwear. 

He asked his father if he’d like to go down to Miami Beach. He thought it would be good for the old man to have companionship and balmy weather as well in his declining years. 

The old man was pleased but consented to go only if he could be at a Kosher hotel. And so Harold made reservations at the Sterling Hotel and put his father on a plane for Miami Beach. 

His son phoned him once a week and everyone seemed happy. Some weeks later, Harold had to make a business trip south and decided to drop in on pop unannounced as a surprise. 

When he got to the Sterling Hotel, there was no sign of old man Blumenfeld. 

He asked the desk clerk if he had any idea where his father might be and he was told he might try room 402 at the Sans Souci. Harold hopped into a cab and headed for the Sans Souci. He learned at the desk that room 402 was occupied by a Miss Peggy Murphy. 

Harold rushed up to room 402, knocked at the door which was opened by a tall, sparsely dressed redhead. And there was papa in a bathrobe! 

Harold was furious! Unable to contain himself, he screamed, “Papa, I’m so shocked I don’t know what to say! An old religious man like you! And you insisted yet you must stay at a Kosher hotel!” 

The old man looked at him as if crazy and said, “So, what are you getting so excited for? I don’t eat here!”

It says “Waiting for snow to fall”  and I believe Loudly and Proudly.

Wife: There’s a nice-looking lady at the window table. 

Husband: She’s a hooker. 

Wife: How can you be so sure? 

Husband: C’mon! Look at her hair, all that make-up, that short skirt, the plunging neckline, and those high heels. 

Wife: But you like it when I dress like that. Do you think I look like a hooker? 

Husband: There’s no way I can get out of this conversation alive, is there?

Must be the chili

Well, that should be fun.

But that should be a good thing, right?

You know what really makes me throw up?

A dartboard on the ceiling.

I’d like to know where this place is at.  I’m a senior and could use a good wash and vacuum.

I’m not even going to touch this one.

Protecting the world from the forces of evil.

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say; “Jesus is watching you.”

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. “Jesus is watching you,” the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around the room. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot: “Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?”

“Yes,” Said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then asked the parrot: “What is your name?”

“Moses,” said the bird.

“That is a dumb name for a parrot,” sneered the burglar. “What idiot named you Moses?”

The parrot said, “The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus.”

Rum Cake: Ozark Family Recipe

Ingredients:

1 or 2 qts. of rum
1 cup butter
1/8 tsp. sugar
2 large eggs
1 cup dried fruit
baking powder
1 tsp. baking soda
lemon juice
brown sugar
nuts

Directions:

Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality.

Select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check the rum again. It must be just right! To be sure the rum is of the highest quality, pour 1 level cup of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat.

With an electric mixer, beat butter in large fluffy bowl. Add 1 seaspoon of thugar and beat again. Meanshile, it’s important to make sure the rum is of the finest quality—try another cup.

Open the second quart of rum if necessary. Add 1 arge leggs, 2 cups of fried druits and beat till high.

If the druits get stuck in the beats, just pru it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the rum again for cinscistincy.

Next, sift 3 cups of salt and feffer (it really doesn’t matter). Sample the wum again.

Sift 1 pint of lemon goose, add 1 bablespoon of brown thugar, of whatever color tou can find. Mix well. Grease oven, turn cake pan to 350 greeds.

Noe, pour the whole mess sinto the boven and ake. Check the crum again and go to bed.

A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot.  One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.  The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.  Eventually the construction crew, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot.  They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.  The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested she take her $10 “pay” to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such a young age.  The little girl proudly replied, “I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us.”

“Oh, my goodness gracious,” said the teller, “and will you be working on the house again this week, too?”

The little girl replied, “I will, if those assholes at Lowe’s ever deliver the friggin’ sheet rock.”

That’s the thing…why do you feel you must tell…ANYONE.  None of us CARE!  But even if we did care, you are obviously a male, wishing you are a typewriter doesn’t make you one.  Although it does make you a MORON!

Manager, this is now classified as biological warfare.

You know you are really and truly stressed when you start getting on you OWN Nerves…

LOVE that one

Stop saying that marriage is just a piece of paper.  So is money, but you get up everyday and work hard for it, don’t you?  So work hard for your marriage, work hard for your relationship, take it seriously.  For better or for worse, till death do you part.

May your success offend the crap out of the people who can’t stand to see you win.

And tickle pink the people who want nothing but the best for you.

Because the democrats are basically evil, their logic makes sense only to other evil people

I want to get this one in, right at the beginning of this section because it’s really important!  So please, pay attention to this one.  As someone who is moving very soon to Social Security this is pretty important to me.

A woman, or man dies at age 65 before collecting one benefit check. She/He and her employer paid into the system for almost 50 years and she collected NOTHING

Keep in mind all the working people that die every year who were paying into the system and got nothing.

And these governmental morons mismanaged the money and stole from the system, so that it’s now going broke.

BEAUTIFUL!

And they have the audacity to call today’s seniors “vultures” in an attempt to cover their ineptitude.

DISGRACEFUL!

The real reason for renaming our Social Security payments is so the government can claim that all those social security recipients are receiving entitlements thus putting them in the same category as welfare, and food stamp recipients.

THIS IS WORTH THE FEW MINUTES IT TAKES TO READ AND DIGEST!

F.Y.I.

By changing the name of SS contributions, it gives them a means to refute this program in the future. It’s free money for the government to spend under this guise.

The Social Security check is now (or soon will be) referred to as a Federal Benefit Payment ?

I will be part of the one percent to forward this. I am forwarding it because it touches a nerve in me, and I hope it will in you.

Please keep passing it on until everyone in our country has read it.

The government is now referring to our Social Security checks as a “Federal Benefit Payment.”

This is NOT a benefit.

It is OUR money, paid out of our earned income!

Not only did we all contribute to Social Security, but our employers did too! It totaled 15% of our income before taxes. (This should be enough for you to forward this message, if not read on.)

If you averaged $30K per year over your working life, that’s close to $180,000 invested in Social Security. 

If you calculate the future value of your monthly investment in social security ($375/month, including both you and your employers’ contributions) at a meager 1% interest rate compounded monthly, after 40 years of working you’d have more than $1.3+ million dollars saved .

This is your personal investment. Upon retirement, if you took out only 3% per year, you’d receive $39,318 per year, or $3,277 per month .

That’s almost three times more than today’s average Social Security benefit of $1,230 per month, according to the Social Security Administration. (Google it – it’s a fact).

And your retirement fund would last more than 33 years (until you’re 98 if you retire at age 65)!

I can only imagine how much better most average-income people could live in retirement if our government had just invested our money in low-risk interest-earning accounts.

Instead, the folks in Washington pulled off a bigger Ponzi scheme than Bernie Madoff ever did (or Lyndon Johnson).

They took our money and used it elsewhere. They “forgot”(oh yes, they knew) that it was OUR money they were taking.

They did not have a referendum to ask us if we wanted to lend the money to them…and they didn’t pay interest on the debt they assumed.

And recently they have told us that the money won’t support us for very much longer. (Isn’t it funny that they NEVER say this about welfare payments ?)

But is it our fault they misused our investments? And now, to add insult to injury, they are calling it a benefit, as if we never worked to earn every penny of it

This is stealing !

Just because they borrowed the money, does not mean that our investments were for charity!

Let’s take a stand.

We have earned our right to Social Security and Medicare. Demand that our legislators bring some sense into our government.

Find a way to keep Social Security and Medicare going for the sake of the 92% of our population who need it.

Then call it what it is:

Our Earned Retirement Income .

Sadly, 90% of people won’t forward this because they don’t get it or are too lazy or have lost hope, but if we don’t and congress knows we aren’t stupid or gullible, they’ll move on to the next way to screw us.

 Thanks for at least reading this.

Folks, this is OUR money.  Not even all of OUR money.  Most of us will never even recoup the amount of money we put in and yet the government is saying that in a few years there won’t be any money left.  Why not?  I’m still putting money in.  They screwed up BAD!  WE NEED TO ELECT REPRESENTATIVES WHO PROMISE NOT TO MESS WITH OUR MONEY!  It’s not a benefit.  It’s OUR money.  Our retirement fund.  YOU TOOK IT FROM US and now you’re giving it away free to illegal aliens and other people who never paid a single dime into the system.  You never asked me if you could do that with my money and I  don’t give you my permission to do so.  I’ll tell you what, just give me the $250,000 that I figure that I paid into the fund with 1% interest from 1975 when I first started working and we’ll call it even.  Make it easy on yourselves.  I’ll do 1/2% interest on the lump sum from 1977 when I joined the military…compounded.

Lying, thieving, stealing, bastards.

Democrats today are saying no one, even the president, is above the law.  So my question is, how come illegals are?

I’ll wait…

That is a really good question.  Why is it that we can’t get anyone to answer that one for us?  Well…anyone who is supposed to be in charge.

So…this is an old one, but it is a good one and worth  asking…over and over and over again!!!

So…if shutting down Russia’s Pipeline is supposed to cripple Their Economy, why did we shut OURS down?

Asking for a friend…

And the whole United States!!!

Eye drops are technically “Blinker Fluid”

Oh the irony!

Bro, this happens to many of us.

My new girlfriend told me I’m terrible in bed.

I told her it’s unfair to make a judgement in less than a minute.

Can someone please tell me what the lowest rank in the Army is? 

Every time I ask someone, they tell me “it’s private.”

Hmmm, in a sense, Marsha’s response was also kinda … um … limp, but on the other hand, she’s pretty much calling Joe out.  So, we’re going to have to hold on until Thursday for Joe’s response.  Let’s do a couple more funnies then.

Respect The Old

when you are young.

Help The Weak

when you are strong.

Confess Your Faults

when you are wrong.

Because one day in life you will be
old, weak, and wrong.

Let’s face it.  Seeing a camel toe in leopard print tights at Walmart is probably the closest any of us will ever get to going on an African Safari.

Relationship Status:
(   )  Single
(   )  In a relationship
(   )  Married
(   )  Engaged
(   )  Divorced
(X)  Waiting for a miracle

Promise me not to hide yourself when you’re in pain, it’s unfair that we laughed together but you cried alone.

Wow!

Dr. Trina said, “I see you gained 10 more pounds since your last visit.” 

I replied, “I don’t understand.  I’ve been walking more than ever.”

Without looking up she says, “Where ya walking to, the restaurant?”

And finally, I thought I’d share a true story…don’t judge…

When I first moved into my house it was haunted by a poltergeist, so I just walked around naked for a week and it never came back.

And that’s it for today my friends.  Oh, and before you ask, I never said it was MY true story.  Have a wonderful week, until we meet again.