We get closer to the holidays and I get more nervous as the days go by.  I really don’t have much to speak of to start this issue out, so I’m just going to jump right into the laughter and see if maybe things present themselves as we go along.

A Little Poem For Seniors

Another year has passed
And we’re a little older.
Last summer felt hotter
And winter seems colder.

There was a time not long ago
When life was quite a blast.
Now I fully understand
About ‘Living in the Past’

We used to go to weddings,
Football games and lunches…
Now we go to funeral homes
And after-funeral brunches.

We used to go out dining,
And couldn’t get our fill.
Now we ask for doggie bags,
Come home and take a pill.

We used to often travel
To places near and far.
Now we get sore asses
From riding in the car.

We used to go to nightclubs
And drink a little booze.
Now we stay home at night
And watch the evening news.

That, my friend is how life is,
And now my tale is told.
So, enjoy each day and live it up…
Before you’re too damned old!

I used to laugh at things like this and now I just think, “How true…”

A drunk gets on a bus. The driver, impatient while the drunk fumbles in his pocket for change, drives off.

As the bus starts rolling, the drunk reacts to the sudden movement by stumbling all the way to the back of the bus.

The bus stops at the next stop. He reacts by stumbling to the front of the bus.

Still the man is fumbling in his pockets for change. The bus jerks forward once again, and the drunk stumbles uncontrollably to the back of the bus.

Next stop, the same thing happens. Every time the bus stops, the man would stagger to the front. Every time the bus starts, he staggers uncontrollably to the back.

A few stops later the drunk exits the bus from the front.

“Hey”, shouts the bus driver… “You didn’t pay your fare yet!”

The drunk, reeling, shouts back “Why should I? . I walked all the way!”

Quotes on Aging

Kiss the dragon under the mistletoe 

Grammar:  The difference between feeling you’re nuts, and feeling your nuts.

Employer:  We just want you to know just how much we appreciate everything you do for this company.  If there is anything you need, let us know.

Me:  Well a raise, some more training, and enough staff would be nice.

Employer:  We were thinking more like a pizza party.

            A Navy Seal from Florida

Facts:

Was born on September 14, 1978, in Jacksonville, Florida. 
[1] He is of Italian descent. 

[2] His family moved to Orlando, Florida, before relocating to Dunedin, Florida, when he was six years old. 

[3] In 1991, he was a member of the Little League team from Dunedin National that made it to the Little League World Series in Williamsport, Pennsylvania. 

(4] After graduating from Dunedin High School in 1997, he attended Yale University.  He was Captain of Yale’s varsity baseball team and joined the Delta Kappa Epsilon Fraternity. 

[5] On the Yale baseball team, he was an outfielder; as a senior in 2001, he had the team’s best batting average at .336. 

[6] He graduated from Yale in 2001 with a B.A. Magna Cum Laude in History. 

[7] He then spent a year as a History Teacher at the Darlington School. 

[8] He attended Harvard Law School, graduating in 2005 with a Juris Doctor Cum Laude. 

[9] He received his Reserve Naval Officer’s commission and assignment to the Judge Advocate General’s Corps (JAG) in 2004 at the U.S. Naval Reserve Center in Dallas, Texas, while still a student at Harvard Law School. 

[10] He completed Naval Justice School in 2005. 

[11] Later that year, he received orders to the JAG Trial Service Office Command South East at Naval Station Mayport, Florida, as a Prosecutor. 

[12] In 2006, he was promoted from Lieutenant, Junior Grade to Lieutenant.  He worked for the Commander of Joint Task Force-Guantanamo (JTF-GTMO), working directly with detainees at the Guantanamo Bay Joint Detention Facility. 

13] In 2007, he reported to the Naval Special Warfare Command Group in Coronado, California, where he was assigned to SEAL Team One and deployed to Iraq with the Troop surge as the Legal Advisor to the SEAL Commander, Special Operations Task Force-West in Fallujah. 

[14] He returned to the U.S. in April 2008, at which time he was reassigned to the Naval Region Southeast Legal Service. 

[15] The U.S. Department of Justice appointed him to serve as an Assistant U.S. Attorney at the U.S. Attorney’s Office in the Middle District of Florida. 

[16] He was assigned as a Trial Defense Counsel until his honorable discharge from active duty in February 2010. 

[17] He concurrently accepted a reserve commission as a Lieutenant Commander in the Judge Advocate General’s Corps of the US Navy Reserve. 

[18] He was awarded the Bronze Star Medal, the Navy and Marine Corps Commendation Medal, the Global War on Terrorism Service Medal, and the Iraq Campaign Medal. 

[19 He represented Florida’s 6th Congressional District in the US House of Representatives from 2013 to 2018. 

Oh, by the way, that former Navy Lt., is

Ron DeSantis, Gov. of Florida.

Also known as a pretty damn good guy.

A mother is never needed more than when she eats, showers, goes to the bathroom, or is on the phone.

The
Will of God
will never take you where the
Grace of God
will not protect you.

Jacob was a cheater, Peter had a temper, David had an affair, Noah got drunk, Jonah ran from God, Paul was a murderer, Gideon was insecure, Miriam was a gossiper, Martha was a worrier, Thomas was a doubter, Sara was impatient, Elija was moody, Moses stuttered, Zaccheus was short, Abraham was old, and Lazarus was dead…  God doesn’t call the qualified, He qualifies the called.

Have you ever wondered why they don’t treat pyromaniacs with anti-inflammatory drugs?

A lawyer’s epitaph in England:

Sir John Strange.

Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.

Signs That Something Is Wrong With Your Marriage

* The FBI is regularly called in to settle arguments.
* You have his n’ hers bathrooms.
* New jars have appeared in the kitchen, labelled “Anthrax” and “Cyanide.”
* Sex is scheduled for a Thursday evening in the boring bit between the news and the late night sports show.
* Your in-laws are placing bets on who will get the house.
* Your spouse has a picture of you hanging on the dartboard.
* Family outings consist of you being chased out of the house by your spouse with a carving knife.
* You are desperate for your in-laws to visit so you can have someone else on which to vent your sarcastic remarks.
* Your spouse no longer reads novels in bed but stays up late studying the small print in your life insurance policy

A man visits his aunt in the nursing home. It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips through a few magazines, and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table.

Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes he’s absentmindedly finished the entire bowl. “I’m so sorry, auntie, I’ve eaten all of your peanuts!”

“That’s okay, dearie,” the aunt replied. “After I’ve sucked the chocolate off, I don’t care for them anyway.”

“Skipper,” the sailor said to his captain as he saluted, “A special message just came in for you from the admiral. I have it right here.”

“Read it to me,” the captain ordered.

The sailor began reading nervously, “You are without a doubt the most idiotic, lame-brained officer ever to command a ship in the United States Navy.”

The skipper responded, “Have that communication decoded at once!”

On a street, where the speed is limited to 30 mph, the police stop a driver. 

“Not only have you been driving too fast, you’ve been passing cars where it is not allowed. Your lights don’t work, your tires all completely worn out. This is surely going to cost you a lot. What’s your name?” 

“Schtrathewisizeski Vocgefastilongchinic”, replied the foreign driver. 

“Well, I’ll let you go this time, but don’t do it again.” 

And that is it for another day, my dear friends.  May you be blessed with love and happiness until we meet again.

Good Monday Morning my friends.  We get a little closer to Christmas every day.  And I get a little closer to getting past Christmas every day.

Izzy Dragon just texted me from work and asked me if I wanted her to be off on Christmas Eve.  At first I didn’t understand.  I thought she was asking me if I had something planned for that day because we normally did something because it’s also my birthday.  She didn’t care about that, she wanted to know if I didn’t want to be alone, so she asked for the day off when I told her that I didn’t want to be alone.

I hate being alone.

Even right now, 16 days away, I really don’t want to be alone.  But, be that as it may, I know I don’t have as much of a choice in the matter.  That’s why I have you guys.

I was sitting around yesterday at lunch, with a few of my co-workers, when the subject of (what else,) sex came up. Now Billy-Bob (he runs the fork lift) says “Last night I made love to my wife three times!  This morning, she was so happy she made me my favorite breakfast of eggs and grits.”

Now Jim-Bob, (the fertilizer inspector) not to be outdone by his cousin Billy-Bob, he says, “That’s nothing.  Last night I made love to my wife five times.  She was so happy, she not only made me my favorite breakfast of biscuits and gravy, she told me I was the best in the world and she could never love another man.”

Well, they then looked at me, waiting for me to say something. Finally, I just said in a quiet voice, “I just made love to my wife once last night, and she didn’t fix me anything for breakfast.” Well, they started laughing, and finally Jim-Bob asks me, “Well, hell, did she say anything to you this morning?” “Just two words,” I answered. “Don’t stop”.

Things I learned from Santa

1. Encourage people to believe in you.

2. Always remember who’s naughty and who’s nice.

3. Don’t pout.

4. It’s as much fun to give as it is to receive.

5. Some days it’s ok to feel a little chubby.

6. Make your presents known.

7. Always ask for a little bit more than what you really want.

8. Bright red can make anyone look good.

9. Wear a wide belt and no-one will notice how many pounds you’ve gained.

10. If you only show up once a year, everyone will think you’re very important.

11. Whenever you’re at a loss for words, say “HO, HO, HO!

Waiting for Santa…

I have now heard it all.
You are a pathetic excuse for a human being

A group of golfers were telling tall stories. At last came the veteran’s turn. “Well,” he said, “I once drove a ball, accidentally of course, through a cottage window. The ball knocked over an oil lamp and the place caught on fire!” 

“What did you do?” asked his friends.

“Oh,” said the veteran, “I immediately teed another ball, took careful aim, and hit the fire alarm on Main Street. That brought out the fire engines before any major damage was done.”

I was walking in the park one bright sunny Sunday afternoon, when I noticed a cute little girl out walking her dog. 

As she approached me on the path, she looked about 9 years old, all dressed up in her Sunday best, and her freshly scrubbed face, just gleaming with cutesiness. 

Tugging on her leash was a well groomed, but somewhat chubby, terrier.

As we met on the path, I greeted her, “Hi there, my, aren’t you pretty today and what a fine looking dog you have.”

“Thank you, sir” she said, “And what a nice day this is isn’t it?”

“Yes it is” I answered, “My, what a polite little girl you are, and what a pretty dress you’re wearing.”

“Oh, thank you, sir. My mother taught me to always be polite and she made this dress for me, isn’t it pretty?” she said with a beaming smile.

“Yes, very pretty” I answered, “By the way, what’s your dog’s name?”

“Oh, sir, my dog’s name is ‘Porky’, isn’t that cute?”

“Well, it certainly is an unusual name for a dog. Why do you call him ‘Porky’, because he’s a little fat?”

“Oh, no!” she replied with a smile, “It’s because he fucks pigs!”

Our nephew was getting married to a doctor’s daughter. At the wedding reception, the father of the bride stood to read his toast, which he had scribbled on a piece of scrap paper.

Several times during his speech, he halted, overcome with what I assumed was a moment of deep emotion.

But after a particularly long pause, he explained, “I’m sorry. I can’t seem to make out what I’ve written down.”

Looking out into the audience, he asked, “Is there a pharmacist in the house?”

‘Nuff Said

I had an interesting morning this Saturday morning.  Went to Men’s Breakfast at a local restaurant, which we only do in December, otherwise it is at the Church each month.  While we were there, there was a semi-truck load of boxes of stuff unloaded at the church.  We then went to the church to deliver the boxes all over town to people that had signed up for them.  There was everything from toys to clothes to toilet paper to books to … well … all kinds of stuff in them.  It was a very satisfying and happy making morning.  The boxes I delivered were to a Senior’s apartment complex and they were like little kids getting gifts.  It was good fun.

Two life-long friends were enjoying a few pints down at the local bar, when one said to the other:

“If I ask you a question, would you promise to answer me honestly?”

“Yeah, sure thing,” replied his friend, “fire away.”

“Well,” said the first guy, “why do you think all the guys around here find my wife so attractive?”

“It’s probably because of her speech impediment,” replied the second guy.

“What do you mean her speech impediment?” inquired the first fellow. “My wife doesn’t have a speech impediment!”

“Well,” replied his friend, “you must be the only guy who hasn’t noticed that she can’t say ‘NO’!”

Teacher asks the kids in spelling class to tell what their father does for a living, and spell it. First kid says, “My daddy’s a baker. That’s b-a-k-e-r. He makes bread and lots of sweet goodies to eat.”

Second kid says, “My daddy’s a banker. That’s b-a-n-k-e-r. He makes lots of money, buys us lots of toys.”

Next kid says, “My daddy’s an electrician. That’s e-l-a-k…uh, e-l-e-x…uh….”

Teacher interrupts, saying, “That’s okay, Rayford. Think about it and we’ll come back to you.” Turning to Little Johnny, she says, “You’re next, Johnny.”

Little Johnny says, “My daddy’s a bookie. That’s b-o-o-k-i-e, and I’ll lay you odds ten to one Rayford won’t ever spell electrician.”

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: ”Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.”

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: ”Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die.”

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. ”Where are you?” the man asked. ”Who are you?”

”I am your guardian angel,” the voice answered.

”Oh yeah?” the man asked… ” Where were you when I got married?”

Signs That You May Be Suffering From Depression

You’ve got enough Prozac in your purse to tranquilize King Kong.

You really lose it whenever someone says, “Good morning.”

You spend more time in bed than a hooker at a Shriners convention.

You keep your house so dark that mushrooms are growing in the carpet.

Given a choice, you’d have no preference between sex or a root canal.

On a really bad day, you wouldn’t come to the door if it was Publishers Clearing House.

Alcohol gives you strength and food settles your nerves.

Your hands shake so badly that you can brush your teeth  without any voluntary movement.

You’ve cried so much that your contacts have rusted to  your eyeballs.

The boss at the pub went up to the bartender and asked, “Have you been fooling around with the waitress?!”

“Oh no, sir, I sure haven’t,” replied the bartender.

The boss replied, “Good, then YOU fire her!”

Tombstone Sayings:

New Mexico, cemetery:

Here lies Johnny Yeast.
Pardon me
For not rising

Because they are idiots!

A colleague was invited to hold a speech in Japan. Aware of his reputation as a very good speaker, he was surprised that his audience did not react at all to any of his perfectly timed jokes and witticisms. In fact, the audience did not react to anything he said.

Somewhat put down, he went back to his seat and a Japanese gentleman appeared on the stage. This man had a terrific success! People laughed and applauded, and although the original speaker could not understand one bit of what was said, still he started to applaud, as the man evidently deserved praise for this perfect speech.

He was interrupted by the chairman of the conference, “No no, sir. You must not applaud.”

Dumfounded, he protested: “But why? This man is obviously a very good speaker.”

“No sir, you must not applaud. He is translating your speech.”

Starbucks announced this week that from now on new Starbucks employees will be required to go through 32 hours of training.

The first hour Starbucks employees learn how to make a cup of coffee, then the next 31 hours they learn how to charge 4 dollars with a straight face.

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up.

She said I have to stop wanking, I said “Why?”

She said “Because I’m trying to examine you!”

Well, that’s an unfortunate place to end this issue, but there we are.  Thanks for sharing this with me today my friends.  I hope you all had as good a time laughing as I did.  Until we meet again on Thursday, may your days be filled with Love and Happiness.

I think I’m overwhelming the WordPress program when I finish up one of these super long, super special Christmas issues.  I get ready to schedule the issue for 0200 hrs. in the morning for when I want it to go out and it just publishes it.  So it ends up going out at like 9 pm the night before!  Which screws up my whole timing.  It’s done that to me like three times now.  I tell you, I’m getting a little annoyed.

Not enough to stop doing the super long special Christmas issues though.  I’ve still got a LOT of Christmas stuff to get through.  I’m still wondering whether I’m gonna get it all done by the time the fat guy gets here.  No, not me.  I’ve lost weight, remember?  No, I’m talking about Santa.

Anyway, Izzy had her all day appointment today and it only cost me about $2K instead of the $3k I was figuring on … yeah, I know.  Wonderful thing to have to come up  with right before Christmas.  Hopefully I’ll get some of that back from the insurance company.  They said about half.  The rest of it I’ll just have to pay back to the credit card.  But, thank God I kept one of those.  I had promised myself I was going to cut them all up when they were all paid off and I did.  My dear sweet Mary had a lot of medical bills over the last couple of years and we had lived off the credit cards there for a while and got ourselves in some trouble.  But they were all paid off … one way or another.  And then they were all cut up.  Except one that I kept for emergencies.  And this was it.  So, when the check comes in from the insurance company it goes straight to the credit card company and I pay that thing off asap.  With it just being Izzy and I now, it won’t be that hard.  Couple of months, it will be taken care of.

A week from this coming Monday, we have a video appointment to get the results of the all day testing and hopefully, they will determine what I want them to determine, that Izzy has high functioning adult autism and that will mean that she will be eligible for help especially if I were to die suddenly, I wouldn’t have to worry so much about her.

Anyway, on to less morbid and more cheerful stuff.  We’re here to laugh and have fun!  So, let’s get to that part of the show, shall we? 

Doesn’t everybody?

Birthdays are good for your health.
Studies have shown that people who have more birthdays live longer.

I’m sorry, and I’m probably an asshole, but that meme just cracks me up!!

It’s okay to be white, black, straight, or gay.
But it’s NEVER OKAY to stop at a yellow light when we both could have fucking made it!

Picking up the Sunday paper at the corner stand, I ran into one of my neighbours doing the same, and said, 

” I hear you have an anniversary coming up soon, is that right?” 

He replied,   “Yep, a big one… 20 years.”

“Wow,” I excxlaimed and asked, “what are you going to get your wife for your anniversary?” 

My neighbor replied, “We’re going on a trip to Australia.” 

“Jeez, Australia, that’s some gift!” said I. just a wee bit envious. 

 “That’s going to be hard to beat. What are you planing to do for your 25th anniversary?” 

“Go back and get her.”

COMING SOON!
To a theater near you!
Dragon In The Wind!

The psychiatrist was interviewing a first-time patient. “You say you’re here,” he inquired, “because your family is worried about your taste in socks?” 

“That’s correct,” muttered the patient. “I like wool socks.” 

“But that’s perfectly normal,” replied the doctor. “Many people prefer wool socks to those made from cotton or acrylic. In fact, I myself like wool socks.” 

“You DO?” exclaimed the man. “With oil and vinegar or just a squeeze of lemon?”

An elderly lady hustled onto a crowded bus carrying a large picnic basket.  She stood right in front of a man and grabbed the overhead rail such that the picnic basket went hanging over the man’s head. The man politely offered the seat but sweet lady declined saying she was going to get off soon. 

Suddenly the man felt dropping something on his head.  He tilted his head to find out, the liquid was licking and dropping, which went in his nose and ran down across his lips. He felt the taste of it, looked up at the lady and asked with a smile, “Pickles, ay?” 

The old lady replied, “No, no, puppies, dear!”

BOY!  AIN’T THAT THE EVER LOVIN’ TRUTH!!!!
I could tell you stories…
Yes, Impish Dragon’s Birthday is in December.
Yes, there’s a bit of a sore spot there.  LOL!
Nah!  After all this time, I’m used to it by now.

Nothing says you’re getting too old more than sending a text after a night out that says, “Here’s that recipe I was talking about.”

This is our old corporate headquarters.  To say the place had issues …

I don’t really want to make bad choices, but I got here late and all the good choices were taken.

My favorite Christmas show

I sat quietly with my own thoughts today.

Remind me never to do that again.

And everyone raise their hand who’s been there!

If a woman tells you that you’re right, that’s called sarcasm.

I’m sure someday it will …
Music was so important to US that it hurts now that it’s just ME.
So, this meme hits awfully close to home…it has been reduced to noise.

Yup.

Her:  Let’s do doggy style.

Me:  Alright with me!

Me:  OFF THE BED!

Her:  What?!

Me:  Get out of it!

Her:  But I …

Me:  OUTSIDE!

Her: 

Me:  GET!

This goes back several years, but I will run it every year.  God Bless you Lethal.  I miss you, too brother and can’t wait until I see you, too.

Like many people, I sing in the car, but when I put it in reverse, I’m a back up singer.

Home Depot is putting holiday decorations in the second row of housewares, so Aisle B Home for Christmas.

Absolutely freaking asinine!!!!

Women mature faster than men because we get our boobs at like 14 and men get them at like 45.

A young guy was complaining to his boss about the problems he was having with his stubborn girlfriend. 

“She gets me so angry sometimes I could hit her, the young man exclaimed. 

“Well, I’ll tell you what I used to do with my wife” replied the boss.  “Whenever she got out of hand I’d take her pants down and spank her.” 

Shaking his head the young guy replied, “That doesn’t work. Once I get her pants down I’m not mad anymore.” 

On a lonely, moonlit country road a young man’s car engine started to cough. Immediately pulling over to a scenic little spot he said to the young lady next to him, “That’s funny, I wonder what that knocking noise was?” 

“I’ll tell you one thing for sure,” said the girl coolly, “It wasn’t opportunity.”

An elderly lady hustled onto a crowded bus carrying a large picnic basket.  She stood right in front of a man and grabbed the overhead rail such that the picnic basket went hanging over the man’s head. The man politely offered the seat but sweet lady declined saying she was going to get off soon. 

Suddenly the man felt dropping something on his head.  He tilted his head to find out, the liquid was licking and dropping, which went in his nose and ran down across his lips. He felt the taste of it, looked up at the lady and asked with a smile, “Pickles, ay?” 

The old lady replied, “No, no, puppies, dear!”

And that is the PERFECT place to put an end to today’s episode.  I am currently at Men’s Breakfast while most of you will be reading this on Saturday morning, then we will be helping to deliver boxes of food to needy homes, so it should be a very satisfying morning after quite a dissatisfying Friday.  I found out that the head gasket needs to be replaced on my car to the tune of about $1.6K … I’m not sure where it’s going to come from, but I know that God will take care of it.  I’m going to start a withdrawal from my retirement 401k and be glad that I have that.  The car goes in the shop on the 20th and they are going to give me a loaner to drive while they have mine, since I also start Physical Therapy back up for my feet the same day.  Boy, if it isn’t one thing, it’s another.
Sigh.
I’m trying to stay positive, really I am.
So, until we meet again…

How is everyone this fine Thursday morning?  While you are reading this, Izzy Dragon and I are in Indianapolis doing all day testing for her and the two dragon dogs are home protecting the cavern.  

Down in their hearts, wise men know this truth: the only way to help yourself is the help others.

-Elbert Hubbard (1856 – 1915)

A study published in “Neurology” says people who snore are more prone to getting headaches. No reason is given.

I wonder – could it be on account of their spouses hitting them in the head all night long trying to get them to stop snoring?

Signs Your Cat Is Too Fat


Cat door retro-fitted with garage door opener.

Confused guests constantly mistaking him for a beanbag chair.

Fifteen month gestation period, and still no kittens.

No longer cleans self unless coated in Cheese Whiz.

Catfood dish replaced with a trough.

Luxurious, shiny black fur replaced with mint green polyester pantsuit. 

It’s no longer safe to lift him without a spotter.

She only catches mice that get trapped in her gravitational pull. 

Has more chins than lives.

Pictures from my High School Year Book

Once upon a time there was a stork family – papa stork, mama stork and baby stork. One evening papa stork didn’t show up for dinner. Mama stork and baby stork left the food out for him but he didn’t come home at all that night. When papa stork finally did come home the next day, baby stork asked “Papa stork, where were you last night?” 

“Out making a young couple very happy,” replied papa stork. 

Several weeks later, mama stork was late for dinner. Baby stork and papa stork waited a while, and then gave up and ordered pizza. Mama stork didn’t come home until late the next morning. When mama stork did come in, baby stork asked “Mama stork, where were you last night?” 

“Out making a young couple very happy,” replied mama stork. 

Later in the fall, baby stork was late for dinner. Papa stork and mama stork were worried. 

Their anxiety increased when baby stork still wasn’t home by sunset. They both waited up late for baby stork but he didn’t come in until early in the morning. His feathers were rumpled and unkempt. 

Papa stork barked, “Where the hell were you baby stork?” as his tired son dragged himself over the threshold. 

“Out scaring the hell out of college students,” replied baby stork. 

A Sunday school teacher was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong. 

“All right children, let’s take another example,” she said. 

“If I were to get into a man’s pocket and take his billfold with all his money, what would I be?” 

Little Johnny raises his hand, and with a confident smile, he blurts out, “you’d be his wife!” 

According to this, I’m in the “Screwed” category.

Picking up the Sunday paper at the corner stand, I ran into one of my neighbours doing the same, and said, 

” I hear you have an anniversary coming up soon, is that right?” 

He replied,   “Yep, a big one… 20 years.”

“Wow,” I excxlaimed and asked, “what are you going to get your wife for your anniversary?” 

My neighbor replied, “We’re going on a trip to Australia.” 

“Jeez, Australia, that’s some gift!” said I. just a wee bit envious. 

 “That’s going to be hard to beat. What are you planing to do for your 25th anniversary?” 

“Go back and get her.”

“Yes, baby.  Someday you’re going to grow up to be a taxi, too.”

I find myself drawn to people who are funny, intelligent, and twisted.
Bonus Points for working sexual innuendos into the conversation.

Yeah, I guess I don’t understand art either.

If really good looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.

Life is a dream for the wise,
a game for the fool,
a comedy for the rich,
a tragedy for the poor.

I used to rush to defend myself against false accusations but now I watch to see who believes it, so I know who to cut off first.

I’m not on the Crazy Train – trains go fast.
It’s more like a wagon.
A long, slow ride on The Crazy Wagon.

Stop telling people that no one will love them until they love themselves.  Stop planting the idea in people’s brains that they are unworthy of love because of their own internal struggle.

Glad to see so many embracing therapy.  A few of you need an exorcism as well but … baby steps.

I have always been attracted to the broken.  Not because I want to fix them.  I don’t want to fix anyone.  I can’t even fix myself.  Rather I know we connect on another level, a real one.  We know what pain feels like.  How it feels to sleep with a broken heart.  Only to wake up and paint a smile on your face pretending as if everything is “okay”.  Because that’s what people like me do, like we do, like survivors do.
J.
iron word

If you choose not to find joy in the snow, you will have less joy in your life but still the same amount of snow.

And I am completely and totally out of time.  Until Saturday, you guys have a blessed day.  Love and happiness to you all.

It’s Monday.  I’ve put together a fast issue.  Not a lot of me in here, but some funnies to get you through the next couple of days.  I worked my ass off this weekend and I have some tough days ahead of me, so let’s just get some laughter together and …

Back in the old days, the USSR Prime Secretary ordered the soviet scientists to build a telescope he could use to watch the Americans.

So they built and it was beautiful. When he came to test it, he looked through it and saw a big city with lots of skyscrapers.

He said, “Is this the New York? Where’s that building they call Empire State?”

The scientists pushed some buttons and the Empire State building came to be seen.

“What are those large photos on that building?” he asked.

The scientists pushed more buttons, and the large photos that came into focus turned out to be those of Marx, Engels and Lenin; the grandfathers of communism.

“Hey, what happened to the Americans? Are they crazy, showing large photos of our Communist Fathers on their streets? Show me what the text below says.” More buttons pushed revealed the text below the photos:

“Don’t grow beards like these! Use Gillette!”

This is an oldie but goodie.  And it’s timely.

The game show contestant was only 200 points behind the leader and about to answer the final question – worth 500 points!

“To be today’s champion,” the show’s smiling host intoned, “name two of Santa’s reindeer.”

The contestant, a man in his early thirties, gave a sigh of relief, gratified that he had drawn such an easy question. “Rudolph!” he said confidently, “and, …Olive!”

The studio audience started to applaud (like the little sign above their heads said to do,) but the clapping quickly faded into mumbling, and the confused host replied, “Yes, we’ll accept Rudolph, but could you please explain… ‘Olive?!?'”

“You know,” the man circled his hand forward impatiently and began to sing, “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer – had a very shiny nose. And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glowed. *Olive,* the other reindeer…”

While at the supermarket this weekend, I came across two women talking in the aisle I was going down.

“Harry and I have been together ten years now and he makes me very happy,” one said. “So I don’t mind buying him what he likes even if it is a little more expensive.”

“Well, with my Benny I have no choice. He’s just plain fussy,” her friend replied.

As I passed by their carts I discovered both women were loading their shopping carts with high-quality cat food.

We are the pest removal … aarrgghh!!!

I always get confused with the differences between elves, fairies, sprites, pixies, and the rest.  I guess I just don’t understand the gnomenclature.

Her:  Tell me something you’ve never told anyone else.

Me:  [whispering] I think the owl people are already among us.

Her:  Who?

Me:  OH NO!!

Fun Fact:  Australia’s biggest export is boomerangs.

It’s also their biggest import.

Why oh why was there a need for THIS sign?

That’s one big step across

The John Deere Tractor Company will not stand behind their manure spreaders.

How to Tell You’re Going to Lose an Argument With Your Wife:

1.  You’re in an argument with your wife.

Just got a job as senior director at Old MacDonald’s Farm.

I’m the CIEIO.

In order to insult me, I  must first value your opinion.
Nice try though!

Don’t expect any New Year’s resolutions from me.  I intend to remain the same awkward, sarcastic, foul-mouthed delight you’ve all come to know and love.

It’s that weird time of day when I don’t know if I need water, coffee, a cookie, or to leave civilization an go live amongst the woodland creatures.

SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus.  What you may not know is that TUBA is also an acronym.  
For Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus.

I hate it when TV shows say they contain “adult situations” but then don’t show anyone going to work, paying their bills, or cleaning up after their kids.

A guy in the bar asked me if I’m watching the World Cup.
I said, “Yeah.”
He said, “I bet you can’t even name three Qatar players.”
I said, “Jimmi Hendrix, Eric Clapton, and George Harrison.”

And that’s it for today so I can get this put out.  Love and happiness to you all.