Dragon Laffs #2113


We get closer to the holidays and I get more nervous as the days go by.  I really don’t have much to speak of to start this issue out, so I’m just going to jump right into the laughter and see if maybe things present themselves as we go along.

A Little Poem For Seniors

Another year has passed
And we’re a little older.
Last summer felt hotter
And winter seems colder.

There was a time not long ago
When life was quite a blast.
Now I fully understand
About ‘Living in the Past’

We used to go to weddings,
Football games and lunches…
Now we go to funeral homes
And after-funeral brunches.

We used to go out dining,
And couldn’t get our fill.
Now we ask for doggie bags,
Come home and take a pill.

We used to often travel
To places near and far.
Now we get sore asses
From riding in the car.

We used to go to nightclubs
And drink a little booze.
Now we stay home at night
And watch the evening news.

That, my friend is how life is,
And now my tale is told.
So, enjoy each day and live it up…
Before you’re too damned old!

I used to laugh at things like this and now I just think, “How true…”

A drunk gets on a bus. The driver, impatient while the drunk fumbles in his pocket for change, drives off.

As the bus starts rolling, the drunk reacts to the sudden movement by stumbling all the way to the back of the bus.

The bus stops at the next stop. He reacts by stumbling to the front of the bus.

Still the man is fumbling in his pockets for change. The bus jerks forward once again, and the drunk stumbles uncontrollably to the back of the bus.

Next stop, the same thing happens. Every time the bus stops, the man would stagger to the front. Every time the bus starts, he staggers uncontrollably to the back.

A few stops later the drunk exits the bus from the front.

“Hey”, shouts the bus driver… “You didn’t pay your fare yet!”

The drunk, reeling, shouts back “Why should I? . I walked all the way!”

Quotes on Aging

“If you want to know how old a woman is, ask her sister-in-law.” —Edgar Howe

“Old age comes at a bad time.” —San Banducci

“Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.” —Jennifer Yane

“Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it.” —Golda Meir

“The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened.” —Mark Twain

“I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do.” —Phyllis Diller

“Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere.” —George Burns

“First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down.” —Haywood Jablome

“You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” —Robert Brault

“Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” —Robert Orben

“At my age, flowers scare me.” —George Burns

“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” —Elizabeth Lesser

“The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down.” —T.S. Elliot

“At age 20, we worry about what others think of us. At age 40, we don’t care what they think of us. At age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all.” —Ann Landers

“When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile.” —GB

“The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget.” —Unknown

“We don’t grow older, we grow riper.” —Pablo Picasso

“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” —Andy Rooney

“The older I get, the better I used to be.” —Lee Trevino

“I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam.”—George Carlin

“Everything slows down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips.” —John Wagner

“Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does.” —. Norman Collie

“When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old.” —Mark Twain

“You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.” —Joel Plaskett

“There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure.” —Dennis Wolfberg

“There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus.” —Bob Phillips

“Looking fifty is great—if you’re sixty.” —Joan Rivers

“At my age ‘getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for.” —Unknown “

“Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.” —George Burns “

“Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.” —Anonymous

Kiss the dragon under the mistletoe 

Grammar:  The difference between feeling you’re nuts, and feeling your nuts.

Employer:  We just want you to know just how much we appreciate everything you do for this company.  If there is anything you need, let us know.

Me:  Well a raise, some more training, and enough staff would be nice.

Employer:  We were thinking more like a pizza party.

            A Navy Seal from Florida

Facts:

Was born on September 14, 1978, in Jacksonville, Florida. 
[1] He is of Italian descent. 

[2] His family moved to Orlando, Florida, before relocating to Dunedin, Florida, when he was six years old. 

[3] In 1991, he was a member of the Little League team from Dunedin National that made it to the Little League World Series in Williamsport, Pennsylvania. 

(4] After graduating from Dunedin High School in 1997, he attended Yale University.  He was Captain of Yale’s varsity baseball team and joined the Delta Kappa Epsilon Fraternity. 

[5] On the Yale baseball team, he was an outfielder; as a senior in 2001, he had the team’s best batting average at .336. 

[6] He graduated from Yale in 2001 with a B.A. Magna Cum Laude in History. 

[7] He then spent a year as a History Teacher at the Darlington School. 

[8] He attended Harvard Law School, graduating in 2005 with a Juris Doctor Cum Laude. 

[9] He received his Reserve Naval Officer’s commission and assignment to the Judge Advocate General’s Corps (JAG) in 2004 at the U.S. Naval Reserve Center in Dallas, Texas, while still a student at Harvard Law School. 

[10] He completed Naval Justice School in 2005. 

[11] Later that year, he received orders to the JAG Trial Service Office Command South East at Naval Station Mayport, Florida, as a Prosecutor. 

[12] In 2006, he was promoted from Lieutenant, Junior Grade to Lieutenant.  He worked for the Commander of Joint Task Force-Guantanamo (JTF-GTMO), working directly with detainees at the Guantanamo Bay Joint Detention Facility. 

13] In 2007, he reported to the Naval Special Warfare Command Group in Coronado, California, where he was assigned to SEAL Team One and deployed to Iraq with the Troop surge as the Legal Advisor to the SEAL Commander, Special Operations Task Force-West in Fallujah. 

[14] He returned to the U.S. in April 2008, at which time he was reassigned to the Naval Region Southeast Legal Service. 

[15] The U.S. Department of Justice appointed him to serve as an Assistant U.S. Attorney at the U.S. Attorney’s Office in the Middle District of Florida. 

[16] He was assigned as a Trial Defense Counsel until his honorable discharge from active duty in February 2010. 

[17] He concurrently accepted a reserve commission as a Lieutenant Commander in the Judge Advocate General’s Corps of the US Navy Reserve. 

[18] He was awarded the Bronze Star Medal, the Navy and Marine Corps Commendation Medal, the Global War on Terrorism Service Medal, and the Iraq Campaign Medal. 

[19 He represented Florida’s 6th Congressional District in the US House of Representatives from 2013 to 2018. 

Oh, by the way, that former Navy Lt., is

Ron DeSantis, Gov. of Florida.

Also known as a pretty damn good guy.

A mother is never needed more than when she eats, showers, goes to the bathroom, or is on the phone.

The
Will of God
will never take you where the
Grace of God
will not protect you.

Jacob was a cheater, Peter had a temper, David had an affair, Noah got drunk, Jonah ran from God, Paul was a murderer, Gideon was insecure, Miriam was a gossiper, Martha was a worrier, Thomas was a doubter, Sara was impatient, Elija was moody, Moses stuttered, Zaccheus was short, Abraham was old, and Lazarus was dead…  God doesn’t call the qualified, He qualifies the called.

Have you ever wondered why they don’t treat pyromaniacs with anti-inflammatory drugs?

A lawyer’s epitaph in England:

Sir John Strange.

Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.

Signs That Something Is Wrong With Your Marriage

* The FBI is regularly called in to settle arguments.
* You have his n’ hers bathrooms.
* New jars have appeared in the kitchen, labelled “Anthrax” and “Cyanide.”
* Sex is scheduled for a Thursday evening in the boring bit between the news and the late night sports show.
* Your in-laws are placing bets on who will get the house.
* Your spouse has a picture of you hanging on the dartboard.
* Family outings consist of you being chased out of the house by your spouse with a carving knife.
* You are desperate for your in-laws to visit so you can have someone else on which to vent your sarcastic remarks.
* Your spouse no longer reads novels in bed but stays up late studying the small print in your life insurance policy

A man visits his aunt in the nursing home. It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips through a few magazines, and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table.

Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes he’s absentmindedly finished the entire bowl. “I’m so sorry, auntie, I’ve eaten all of your peanuts!”

“That’s okay, dearie,” the aunt replied. “After I’ve sucked the chocolate off, I don’t care for them anyway.”

“Skipper,” the sailor said to his captain as he saluted, “A special message just came in for you from the admiral. I have it right here.”

“Read it to me,” the captain ordered.

The sailor began reading nervously, “You are without a doubt the most idiotic, lame-brained officer ever to command a ship in the United States Navy.”

The skipper responded, “Have that communication decoded at once!”

On a street, where the speed is limited to 30 mph, the police stop a driver. 

“Not only have you been driving too fast, you’ve been passing cars where it is not allowed. Your lights don’t work, your tires all completely worn out. This is surely going to cost you a lot. What’s your name?” 

“Schtrathewisizeski Vocgefastilongchinic”, replied the foreign driver. 

“Well, I’ll let you go this time, but don’t do it again.” 

And that is it for another day, my dear friends.  May you be blessed with love and happiness until we meet again.

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3 Responses to Dragon Laffs #2113

  1. Marsha Mastrangelo says:

    Not surprised to read all the stuff Desantis has done…..Its a Virgo thing. We cant help it.
    .

  2. Leah D says:

    SNOW . . .That’s all I know . . . .

  3. Bob says:

    To my knowledge Ron DeSantis served with the Navy SEAL’s……he was not a SEAL.

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