Good Monday Morning my friends. We get a little closer to Christmas every day. And I get a little closer to getting past Christmas every day.
Izzy Dragon just texted me from work and asked me if I wanted her to be off on Christmas Eve. At first I didn’t understand. I thought she was asking me if I had something planned for that day because we normally did something because it’s also my birthday. She didn’t care about that, she wanted to know if I didn’t want to be alone, so she asked for the day off when I told her that I didn’t want to be alone.
I hate being alone.
Even right now, 16 days away, I really don’t want to be alone. But, be that as it may, I know I don’t have as much of a choice in the matter. That’s why I have you guys.
I was sitting around yesterday at lunch, with a few of my co-workers, when the subject of (what else,) sex came up. Now Billy-Bob (he runs the fork lift) says “Last night I made love to my wife three times! This morning, she was so happy she made me my favorite breakfast of eggs and grits.”
Now Jim-Bob, (the fertilizer inspector) not to be outdone by his cousin Billy-Bob, he says, “That’s nothing. Last night I made love to my wife five times. She was so happy, she not only made me my favorite breakfast of biscuits and gravy, she told me I was the best in the world and she could never love another man.”
Well, they then looked at me, waiting for me to say something. Finally, I just said in a quiet voice, “I just made love to my wife once last night, and she didn’t fix me anything for breakfast.” Well, they started laughing, and finally Jim-Bob asks me, “Well, hell, did she say anything to you this morning?” “Just two words,” I answered. “Don’t stop”.
Things I learned from Santa
1. Encourage people to believe in you.
2. Always remember who’s naughty and who’s nice.
3. Don’t pout.
4. It’s as much fun to give as it is to receive.
5. Some days it’s ok to feel a little chubby.
6. Make your presents known.
7. Always ask for a little bit more than what you really want.
8. Bright red can make anyone look good.
9. Wear a wide belt and no-one will notice how many pounds you’ve gained.
10. If you only show up once a year, everyone will think you’re very important.
11. Whenever you’re at a loss for words, say “HO, HO, HO!
1. He does not have a beer gut –
He has developed a liquid grain storage facility.
2. He is not a bad dancer –
He is overly Caucasian.
3. He does not “get lost all the time” –
He investigates alternative destinations.
4. He is not balding –
He is in follicle regression.
5. He is not a “cradle robber” –
He simply prefers generationally differential relationships.
6. He does not get falling-down drunk –
He becomes accidentally horizontal.
7. He does not act like a perfect, total ass –
He develops a case of rectal-cranial inversion (besides, no one is perfect … least of all him!).
8. He is not a male chauvinist pig –
He has swine empathy.
9. He is not afraid of commitment –
He is monogamously challenged.
10. He is not vulgar –
He is etiquette deprived.
Waiting for Santa…
I have now heard it all.
You are a pathetic excuse for a human being
A group of golfers were telling tall stories. At last came the veteran’s turn. “Well,” he said, “I once drove a ball, accidentally of course, through a cottage window. The ball knocked over an oil lamp and the place caught on fire!”
“What did you do?” asked his friends.
“Oh,” said the veteran, “I immediately teed another ball, took careful aim, and hit the fire alarm on Main Street. That brought out the fire engines before any major damage was done.”
I was walking in the park one bright sunny Sunday afternoon, when I noticed a cute little girl out walking her dog.
As she approached me on the path, she looked about 9 years old, all dressed up in her Sunday best, and her freshly scrubbed face, just gleaming with cutesiness.
Tugging on her leash was a well groomed, but somewhat chubby, terrier.
As we met on the path, I greeted her, “Hi there, my, aren’t you pretty today and what a fine looking dog you have.”
“Thank you, sir” she said, “And what a nice day this is isn’t it?”
“Yes it is” I answered, “My, what a polite little girl you are, and what a pretty dress you’re wearing.”
“Oh, thank you, sir. My mother taught me to always be polite and she made this dress for me, isn’t it pretty?” she said with a beaming smile.
“Yes, very pretty” I answered, “By the way, what’s your dog’s name?”
“Oh, sir, my dog’s name is ‘Porky’, isn’t that cute?”
“Well, it certainly is an unusual name for a dog. Why do you call him ‘Porky’, because he’s a little fat?”
“Oh, no!” she replied with a smile, “It’s because he fucks pigs!”
Our nephew was getting married to a doctor’s daughter. At the wedding reception, the father of the bride stood to read his toast, which he had scribbled on a piece of scrap paper.
Several times during his speech, he halted, overcome with what I assumed was a moment of deep emotion.
But after a particularly long pause, he explained, “I’m sorry. I can’t seem to make out what I’ve written down.”
Looking out into the audience, he asked, “Is there a pharmacist in the house?”
I had an interesting morning this Saturday morning. Went to Men’s Breakfast at a local restaurant, which we only do in December, otherwise it is at the Church each month. While we were there, there was a semi-truck load of boxes of stuff unloaded at the church. We then went to the church to deliver the boxes all over town to people that had signed up for them. There was everything from toys to clothes to toilet paper to books to … well … all kinds of stuff in them. It was a very satisfying and happy making morning. The boxes I delivered were to a Senior’s apartment complex and they were like little kids getting gifts. It was good fun.
Two life-long friends were enjoying a few pints down at the local bar, when one said to the other:
“If I ask you a question, would you promise to answer me honestly?”
“Yeah, sure thing,” replied his friend, “fire away.”
“Well,” said the first guy, “why do you think all the guys around here find my wife so attractive?”
“It’s probably because of her speech impediment,” replied the second guy.
“What do you mean her speech impediment?” inquired the first fellow. “My wife doesn’t have a speech impediment!”
“Well,” replied his friend, “you must be the only guy who hasn’t noticed that she can’t say ‘NO’!”
Teacher asks the kids in spelling class to tell what their father does for a living, and spell it. First kid says, “My daddy’s a baker. That’s b-a-k-e-r. He makes bread and lots of sweet goodies to eat.”
Second kid says, “My daddy’s a banker. That’s b-a-n-k-e-r. He makes lots of money, buys us lots of toys.”
Next kid says, “My daddy’s an electrician. That’s e-l-a-k…uh, e-l-e-x…uh….”
Teacher interrupts, saying, “That’s okay, Rayford. Think about it and we’ll come back to you.” Turning to Little Johnny, she says, “You’re next, Johnny.”
Little Johnny says, “My daddy’s a bookie. That’s b-o-o-k-i-e, and I’ll lay you odds ten to one Rayford won’t ever spell electrician.”
A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: ”Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.”
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: ”Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die.”
The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. ”Where are you?” the man asked. ”Who are you?”
”I am your guardian angel,” the voice answered.
”Oh yeah?” the man asked… ” Where were you when I got married?”
Signs That You May Be Suffering From Depression
You’ve got enough Prozac in your purse to tranquilize King Kong.
You really lose it whenever someone says, “Good morning.”
You spend more time in bed than a hooker at a Shriners convention.
You keep your house so dark that mushrooms are growing in the carpet.
Given a choice, you’d have no preference between sex or a root canal.
On a really bad day, you wouldn’t come to the door if it was Publishers Clearing House.
Alcohol gives you strength and food settles your nerves.
Your hands shake so badly that you can brush your teeth without any voluntary movement.
You’ve cried so much that your contacts have rusted to your eyeballs.
The boss at the pub went up to the bartender and asked, “Have you been fooling around with the waitress?!”
“Oh no, sir, I sure haven’t,” replied the bartender.
The boss replied, “Good, then YOU fire her!”
New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast.
For not rising
Because they are idiots!
A colleague was invited to hold a speech in Japan. Aware of his reputation as a very good speaker, he was surprised that his audience did not react at all to any of his perfectly timed jokes and witticisms. In fact, the audience did not react to anything he said.
Somewhat put down, he went back to his seat and a Japanese gentleman appeared on the stage. This man had a terrific success! People laughed and applauded, and although the original speaker could not understand one bit of what was said, still he started to applaud, as the man evidently deserved praise for this perfect speech.
He was interrupted by the chairman of the conference, “No no, sir. You must not applaud.”
Dumfounded, he protested: “But why? This man is obviously a very good speaker.”
“No sir, you must not applaud. He is translating your speech.”
Starbucks announced this week that from now on new Starbucks employees will be required to go through 32 hours of training.
The first hour Starbucks employees learn how to make a cup of coffee, then the next 31 hours they learn how to charge 4 dollars with a straight face.
I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up.
She said I have to stop wanking, I said “Why?”
She said “Because I’m trying to examine you!”
Well, that’s an unfortunate place to end this issue, but there we are. Thanks for sharing this with me today my friends. I hope you all had as good a time laughing as I did. Until we meet again on Thursday, may your days be filled with Love and Happiness.
Some great ones. Thanks for giving us a large assortment of fnnny and and interesting commentary. There is no excuse for not find much of your publications funny. Thank you so much for again making my today.
You are quite welcome and thank you for the very kind words
I and hopefully others will be making a donation to you for 2023. You have given so much time and effort in putting your weekly publications out for us to laugh. I don’t think there is another website that is not only similar but puts out so m much content on each issue. I also need to take the time to proofread what I write before i post the send button. I just looked back at what I wrote to you prior and it wasn’t pretty. Thanks. Joe Holtzman
I learned years ago to be ALONE. My family hates it because I walk around the house constantly talking to myself.
No, I am not trying to make light of your hate to be ALONE. I try to imagine my husband gone, and find what I would miss the most is someone to turn to and remark about how deep the snow is getting; or discuss the leading headlines; or share a joke. Last night, when we learned our 3 month old great grandson was in Primary Children’s Hospital, unable to breathe because of RSV, I realized it isn’t just ‘someone’ I need to talk to, it is a someone who shares in my history, my values, my . . . someone to hold hands with and pray.