Okay, so I’m tired of watching the news, reading articles and getting pissed off at the stupid stuff our current administration is doing.  This is going to become my new logo.  

I’m so tired of the lying cheating bastards.  And I’m tired of the two tiered sense of justice in this country.  One for them and one for the rest of us. 

But, we’re not going to get into that crap…at least not right now.  Instead, we’re going to run a normal, regular, fight the BS issue.  We’re going to do our very best to make you laugh and then, we’re going to do our very best to make you laugh some more.  Then, we’ll give you a couple of seconds to catch your breath, then we’ll give you our very best shot at making you laugh some more…are you sensing a pattern here?  I certainly hope so.  So, let’s jump right in and start right out and … well… 

A MOTHER’S VOCABULARY!

AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to make love again.

DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: What you call your child when you’re mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.

HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

POW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.

PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry clothes into it.

SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it.

TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.

TWO MINUTE WARNING: When the baby’s face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: Able to whine in words.

WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house.

WEEKEND: When Dad gets to play golf while Mom catches up on the laundry, cleans the house, runs errands, etc.

The Monday Afternoon Club, an organization of wealthy city women, met and decided that this month’s outing was to be at a dairy farm. Most of them had lived in the city all their lives, and had never seen such a thing. 

The day came, and the ladies filed into the rented bus which whisked them off to their destination. On the way, they watched out the windows as the city squalor turned into lovely, unpolluted countryside. 

After they arrived, they were greeted by the farmer who invited them to look him up should they have any questions. Myrtle, after looking about, and being amazed by what she saw, stepped into a building and viewed something she thought was quite remarkable. She saw the farmer walk by and hailed him – he sauntered in. 

“Sir,” she inquired, “Why doesn’t this cow have any horns?” 

The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone: “Well, ma’am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep’ em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young ‘uns by puttin’ a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops ’em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don’t have no horns, ma’am, is ’cause it’s a horse.” 

Remember:  Mother’s Day is for Moms, not men in dresses — your day is April 1st!

Team mates come in all shapes and sizes.

A blonde and a brunette go parachuting.

The blonde jumps first, pulls her parachute cord, and slowly drifts in the air and enjoys the view.

The brunette jumps after her and pulls her parachute cord, but nothing happens! She pulls it again, this time as hard as she can, but still nothing. She pulls the cord to the emergency chute, but that doesn’t open either. She passes by the blonde like a speeding bullet!

The blonde looks at her and says, while getting her parachute off her shoulders, “So, you want to race, do you?”

Comparing moms and dads

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that mom didn’t have her thinking cap on.

Who’s the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn’t want to be boss, but she has to because dad’s such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What’s the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power cause that’s who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friends.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

I pretended to be asleep and then I feel asleep.

Now I’m going to pretend I’m skinny…then that I’m rich.

Okay, I got nothing, other than it is awesome art

Yes, but two teaspoons of powdered knowledge stirred into your milk in the morning is enough for most people for the whole day!

And yet it still doesn’t work out for me most days…

I just keep picturing me getting this text and Mary giving that exact same response and I’m laughing so hard I’m crying.  It’s perfect…just absolutely perfect!

I have learned this truth, this exact same way.

A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. “I’d like some raisin bread please,” the man says. The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf. The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought. When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves, as he is “having company for dinner.” As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what’s going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread. After many trips she is tired and irritated, and begins to wonder, “Why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?” Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below. Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd. Thinking that she can save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, “Is it raisin for you too then?” No,” stammers the older man, “but it’s quivering a little.

“Each one of us is a mixture of good qualities and some perhaps not so good qualities. In considering our fellow man, we should remember his good qualities and realize that his faults only prove that he is, after all, a human being. We should refrain from making harsh judgments of a person just because he happens to be a dirty, rotten, no-good son-of-a-bitch.”

Wow!  That’s saying something…cause…you know that people are mammals, right?

Next, we haven’t done any of these in a LONG time, so…

Let’s start with this one from Leah D:

John, we’ve had this conversation before.  We disagree about a couple of things and agree about a couple of things.  Don’t we call that life?  Being friends?  Adulting?  I’ll take “D. All of the above”.  I enjoy hearing from you because you always have interesting things to say and offer and agree or not, I can invariably see your point.  Cheers!

And finally, our resident Nurse Marsha has this to say about the toy doctor’s set…

Life is so unfair. I lost my car keys at the park and never found them. I lost my sunglasses at the beach and never found them. I lost my socks in the washing machine and never found them. I lost three pounds on a diet — I found them and ten more!

Hang this next one from your rearview mirror…

Midlife is when your memory really starts to go: the only thing you still retain is water.

Midlife is when you bounce (a lot), but you don’t bounce back. It’s more like splat!

Midlife brings the wisdom that “life throws you curves” and that you’re now sitting on your biggest ones.

Midlife can bring out your angry, bitter side. You look at your latte-swilling, beeper-wearing know-it-all teenager and think, “For this I have stretch marks?”

You become more reflective in midlife. You start pondering the “big” questions: what is life, why am I here, and how much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it’s no longer a healthy choice.

Shouldn’t that be a perk of the job?

Here’s an oldie but goodie from “Friggin’ Pete”

And then there’s this GREAT one from Wouter …

Gunfight Rules when the SHTF…

“Peace is that brief glorious moment in history when everybody stands around reloading.”

In a gunfight, the most important rule is … HAVE A GUN!

The following are shooting tips from various Concealed Carry Instructors. If you own a gun, you will appreciate these rules… If not, you should get one, learn how to use it, and learn the rules.

RULES

A.) Guns have only two enemies: Rust and Politicians. Rust can be prevented, Politicians cannot.

B.) It’s always better to be judged by 12 than carried out by 6.

C.) Cops carry guns to protect themselves, not you

D.) Never let someone or something that threatens you get within 7 yards.

E.) Never say “I’ve got a gun.” If you need to use deadly force, the first sound they should hear is the safety clicking off, or the hammer cocking.

F.) The average response time of a 911 call is 23 minutes ….when only seconds count; the response time of a .357 is 1,400 feet per second.

G.) The most important rule in a gunfight is: Always Win – there is no such thing as a fair fight. Always Win – cheat if necessary. Always Win – 2nd place doesn’t count.

H.) Make your attacker advance through a wall of bullets … you may get killed with your own gun, but they’ll have to beat you to death with it because it will be empty.

I.) If you’re in a gun fight:

     (a) If you’re not shooting, you should be reloading.

     (b) If you’re not reloading, you should be moving.

     (c) If you’re not moving, you’re dead.

J.) In a life and death situation, do something … it may be wrong, but do something!

K.) If you carry a gun, people will call you paranoid. Nonsense! If you have a gun, what do you have to be paranoid about?

L.) Never fire a warning shot, that is just one wasted bullet, which could be needed within moments.

M.) You can say “stop” or any other word, but a large bore muzzle pointed at someone’s head is pretty much a universal language; and, you won’t have to press 1 for Spanish/Mexican, or 2 for Chinese, or 3 for Arabic.

N.) Never leave a wounded enemy behind. If you have to shoot, shoot to kill. In court, yours will be the only testimony.

O.) You cannot save the planet, but you may be able to save yourself and your family.

A member of our church choir arrives every Sunday morning with her seven children in tow, all a bit rumpled but never the less on time.

Scarcely able to get my one child ready, I asked her how she managed her brood so efficiently,

“Easy,” she replied with a smile. “I dress them the night before!”

A housewife with three young children was getting dinner ready when the phone rang. The six-year-old picked it up and said, “Hi, Daddy!” and she began telling him about her day. She then passed the phone to her brother and sister as was the custom whenever Daddy called from work.

When it was finally the wife’s turn to talk she took the receiver and said, “Hi, hon.”

“Thank God, lady,” the voice on the other end replied. “I just called to tell you that the wallpaper you ordered is here!”

Many of us take better care of our cars then we do our mothers and yet we only expect our cars to last 5 or 6 years but we expect our mothers to last for a lifetime.

Maybe we need a maintenance manual for mothers so we would know how to take care of them at least as well as we do our automobiles.

Here are some items that might be included in such a manual.

Engine:

A mother’s engine is one of the most dependable kinds you can find.

She can reach top speed from a prone position at a single cry from a sleeping child. But regular breaks are needed to keep up that peak performance. Mothers need a hot bath and a nap every 100 miles, a baby-sitter and a night out every 1,000 miles, and a live-in baby-sitter with a one week vacation every 10,000 miles.

Battery:

Mother’s batteries should be recharged regularly. Handmade items, notes, unexpected hugs and kisses, and frequent “I love you’s” will do very well for a recharge.

Carburetor:

When a mother’s carburetor floods it should be treated immediately with Kleenex and a soft shoulder.

Brakes:

See that she uses her brakes to slow down often and come to a full stop occasionally. (A squeaking sound indicates a need for a rest).

Fuel:

Most mothers can run indefinitely on coffee, leftovers and salads, but an occasional dinner for two at a nice restaurant will really add to her efficiency.

Chassis:

Mothers run best when their bodies are properly maintained. Regular exercise should be encouraged and provided for as necessary. A change in hairdo or makeup in spring and fall are also helpful.

If you notice the chassis begins to sag, immediately start a program of walking, jogging, swimming, or bike riding. These are most effective when done with fathers.

Tune-ups:

Mother need regular tune-ups. Compliments are both the cheapest and most effective way to keep a mother purring contentedly.

Oh yes, and let’s not forget to speak to mother lovingly and respectfully, especially when she reminds you to drive carefully and have a good time.

If these instructions are followed consistently, this fantastic creation and gift from God, whom we call “MOTHER”, should last a lifetime and give good service and constant love to those who need her most.

Parents always make ridiculous predictions about their kids.

The day my little girl was born, a friend of mine called me. His little boy was born the day before, and he said, “Who knows? Maybe they’ll end up getting married.”

I said, “Are you nuts!? My little girl is just one day old! Your son is 2 days old!”

“So?” he asked.

“Well, she’s certainly not going to marry someone twice her age!” I replied.

A skydiving instructor was going through the question and answer period with his new students when one of them asked the usual question.

If our chute doesn’t open and the reserve doesn’t open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?

The jump instructor answered, The rest of your life.

Mrs. James answered the front doorbell one day to find her dear friend, Mrs. Avery, standing outside with a huge, mangy, panting dog.

Delighted by the unexpected visit, Mrs. James bade her friend inside.

The dog bounded ahead of them, knocked over a valuable vase while dashing for the cat, then jumped onto an antique sofa, and proceeded to take a nap.

He was still napping an hour later when Mrs. Avery rose to leave.

Mrs. James showed her to the door and waited for her to call the dog.

But her friend paid no attention whatsoever to the animal.

“Aren’t you going to take your dog with you?’ Mrs. James asked, a hint of impatience in her voice.

“Oh, that awful beast is not my pet! I thought he was yours!’ responded Mrs. Avery.”

Yeah, it’s like that.  And that’s also a good place to quit for now.  Until we meet again, may God Bless you all with Love and Happiness.

I’m feeling especially lonely and depressed lately.  Mother’s Day, as you can imagine, is not one of my favorite days of the year here lately.  But, I think it’s more than that and I’m not sure why it’s bothering me now more than it has in a while.  As much as God has told me to just carry on and do His will, it’s still very hard … because … well … because I’m really lonely.

I shouldn’t be.  I have friends at church, friends at work, dart friends, and of course, all of you campers

Stephen B. sends us this one…and it is way cool: He says it’s his latest carving. 

This is a gnome door.  My wife claimed it even before I painted it. It is about 7″ tall and 6″ wide.

That is way, way cool my friend..

No one will give a pauper bread (or alms to the poor), but everybody will give him advice.

This one REALLY cracked me up!  I’m not sure why.  It’s funny and all, but not for the overwhelming laughter this one got out of me.

Over 100 years ago, two brothers announced they could fly!  Turns out they were Wright…

Sometimes the dragon in the kitchen really IS a dragon in the kitchen…but in THIS instance, I’m going with drugs…and good ones, too.

I have GOT to get me one of these!!!!

I met a nun who wiped her nose on her clothes. 

She had a nasty habit.

A truck loaded with Vicks Vapor Rub overturned on the highway. 

Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours.

I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon!

It’s a great tree that protects our northern most village.  Dragon Laffs is far reaching.

Brazil is known for many things…soccer, Carnival, Rio De Janiero, Amazon Rain Forest, to name a few.  Here’s something new to be added to the list… green peas is one of the more popular pizza toppings.

Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka.  It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.

My wife said, “I can think of 14 reasons to leave you, plus your obsession with tennis.”

I replied, “That’s 15 love.”

I agree, I think this is probably the coolest cat picture of all time.

My wife left me today, she says I put sports ahead of our relationship.  We were together 6 seasons.

If you put a lasagna on top of another lasagna, it’s no longer two lasagnas.  It’s one giant lasagna.  THAT is the power of lasagna.  https://www.epicurean.com/articles/lasagna-bob.html

Why, oh why is that a sign that is required?

7.5 billion people on earth and somehow I’m the best driver.

I met a magical fairy yesterday who said she would grant me one wish.

“I wish to live forever,” I said.

“Sorry,” said the fairy.  “I’m not allowed to grant that particular wish.”

“Fine,” I said, “then I want to die the day after Congress is filled with honest, hard-working, bipartisan men and women who act only in the people’s best interests!”

“You crafty bastard,” replied the fairy.

Why do black lives only seem to matter when a white man takes it?  Sadly, thousands of black lives are lost to black on black crime every year in America and nobody seems to do much to try and stop it and nobody riots to bring change.  Just this dragon and others asking a question that’s worth pondering.

When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young” they are talking your knees and hips not your kids.

I asked an EOD guy once about the stress of bomb defusing.  He shrugged and said, “It’s not.  I’m either right, or suddenly it’s not my problem any more.”

I try to stick to that perspective. 

Again, I have to ask, why is it that we have to have this sign?

Now THIS sign I can completely understand.

Probably another necessary sign.

I had to quit my job as a professional body builder. 

I just gave my too weak notice.

I’m seeing grown men in Miami for Spring Break. 
Nathanial, you are 43. 
You are not on Spring Break! 
You are on Sick Leave!

You have got to be flippin’ kidding me!!!! 

I just got this email from Stephen B.

I agree with you completely on the Vets being displaced for illegals and yes, I am from NY.  Now the rile you up a little more…..There are PUBLIC SCHOOLS in Brooklyn, NY that are opening their gyms to illegals to live in, WHILE OUR CHILDREN ARE STILL GOING TO SCHOOL THERE!  WTF IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?????? I am so glad I am old and probably won’t see the climatic end to this way of thinking.  But I feel sorry for my grandkids.  What will happen to them?  Will another Civil War happen?  Anyhoo, here is a link to one of the articles, should you care to look at it.

I repeat my earlier statement!  You have got to be flippin’ kidding me!  It’s not bad enough that they are displacing veterans out of their shelters, now they are putting invaders, criminals, strangers, illegals, possibly sick or diseased in with our children in the gymnasium in their school.  In the GRAMMAR SCHOOL!  That’s 6th grade and under!  ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND!!!!!  This is unconscionable!!!!   And they did it without the permission of the school, the parents or anybody!  WHO IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE!!!!!!

Here is the link address to the article so you can read it for yourself:  https://www.nydailynews.com/news/politics/new-york-elections-government/ny-migrant-crisis-housing-coney-island-brooklyn-public-school-gym-20230513-pgfvc6z3k5c5jm66wnxqlkh4d4-story.html

If this is not proof that Biden and the current administration is NOT FIT FOR OFFICE and doesn’t have a clue what SERVING THE PEOPLE OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA MEANS than I don’t know what does.  What in the world do we have to do, catch him accepting bribes?  Oh, yeah!  WE’VE DONE THAT AND IT DOESN’T SEEM TO MATTER AT ALL!!!!

Okay, let’s get right to it!  I have GOT to get this off my chest or it’s going to tear me in up inside and I’m going to end up razing a poor underserving village somewhere.

I’m not sure where it is other than that it is in New York somewhere, but they had been putting some Veterans up in hotels so they wouldn’t be homeless, which is a wonderful thing and fitting.  These are men and women who have, after all, offered to give up their lives for us, the least we can do is give them a place to live.  We owe them so much more than that, but like I said, the LEAST we can do.  But NOW, they’ve been asked to move out to make room for the illegals. 

Did you hear what I said?

Our proud heroes are being asked to move out to become homeless so that people who are here illegally, who have done ABSOLUTELY NOTHING FOR OUR COUNTRY OTHER THAN TAKE can have their homes! 

And ultimately do you want to know why?  Because illegal aliens are much more likely to vote democrat and veterans are much more likely to vote republican. 

What is wrong with this country that they have no loyalty to the men and women who have served them?  That they will not honor they promises they made to them?  In the military WE will not leave a fellow member behind.  We will risk the lives of several to rescue the one.  These people refuse to recognize that they even owe us a debt of gratitude!  The pay is crap, the hours are long and hard and the retirement plan stinks.  On the other side they vote themselves golden pay, retirement and work twelve hours a month and have the nerve to complain about us. 

I am so incensed I could cry.  How could this country treat its own so terribly?  This is an invasion!  We are at war, and our government is throwing open the gates and letting the bad guys walk right in.  It is SO WRONG.  WHY ARE WE LETTING THEM GET AWAY WITH IT?

Okay…

     I’m done. 

          For now.

Someone called the Kentucky Derby “Amish Nascar” and my day hasn’t been the same.

On the one hand…

customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese

me: sorry, we only take cash

manager: can I talk to you

Good Advice:  When buying an old second-hand car, always insist on getting one with a heated rear window.

That way, in winter you can warm your hands while you’re pushing it.

Oh, that’ll teach her!

Why am I not surprised!

My hips and knees ache just looking at this picture.

Still ticked off! 

I’m listening to Ron DeSantis give a speech in Iowa and he sounds really good.

Strong people always have their life in order.  Even with tears in their eyes, they still manage to say “I am okay,” with a smile.

A little boy asks his mother:  Why do you cry?

Because I am a woman, she answers.

I don’t understand, he says.

His mother hugs him and says: and you never will.

Rock on to Electric Avenue!

A guy just tried to MANSPLAIN to me what a sawhorse is, but I SHUT HIM DOWN because I am WELL AWARE that it’s the past tense of seahorse, THANKS!

Blonde?

“What in the world are we going to do to calm Impish Dragon down?” 

BURN THEM ALL TO THE GROUND!!!!

Me:  [hands daughter an apple]

Daughter:  Dad, I wanted a pear. 

Me:  [hands daughter another apple]

Bloke tried to sell me a piece of stone he said was from Ireland and kissed by St.  Patrick.  When I looked underneath it said, “Made in China.” So, obviously a sham rock…

Just in case you missed it at the King’s Coronation…

Yes, that is “Death” walking past the opening.

Women belong in the kitchen.
Men belong in the kitchen.
Everyone belongs in the kitchen.
The kitchen has BACON!

I asked a bald friend of mine why he had hundreds of tiny rabbits tattooed on his head.  He said, “Because from a distance, they look like hares.”

The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?”

I said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my missus, mate.”

He said, “Why?  Is she a stunner?”

I said, “No, she’s an optician!”

They’re all the same size…get a ruler, I’ll wait.

Awww, she’s smiling in her sleep.  I wonder how she killed me this time…

According to the democratic party, the black lives matter people, and all the other racists, that is the problem.

Yeah, and now you snowflakes want to throw them out so you can put illegal aliens in!  Who’s going to protect you when you’ve annoyed us to the point that we stop protecting you?  You don’t have anyone brave enough to even pick UP a gun, much less fire one!

It’s going to take a while.  There’s a lot of idiots.

“Your trauma made you stronger.”

It absolutely did not.  It made me funnier though.

Sarcasm is a body’s natural defense against stupidity.

That is a very strange Venn diagram

Being grown up is stupid.

Let’s build a tree house and throw water balloons at people.

And for that matter, why are there ducks and bowling pins?

It’s better to know and be disappointed than to never know and always wonder.

I got a job sketching suspects at the police station…I’m a con artist!

Still have your ruler?

Again, the same size…

If a cow doesn’t produce milk, is it a Milk Dud or an Udder Failure?

Well, to be Frank … I’d have to change my name.

Be the fun in dysfunctional.  

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

I decided to take up fencing, but my neighbor made me put it back.

And then get charged for manslaughter!!!

And at that point, we’re going to say the end for today.  Thanks for sticking with for the day my friends.  May God Bless you with Love and Happiness until we play again.

Well…it’s Saturday, again.  
It     has     been     a     week!
I’m writing this on Thursday, the week isn’t even over yet, and I’m already worn out.  I’ve got an oil change this afternoon and my Anger Management class this evening.  I’ve had something every night this week. 
I need a break. 
But, it’s coming I guess.
Right now, let’s get to the fun stuff!

This one is from our buddy Joe in NJ and it’s called Reflections:

• A cold seat in a public restroom is unpleasant.
  • A warm seat in a public restroom is worse.
• Apparently, an RSVP to a wedding invitation
  • “Maybe next time,” isn’t the correct response.
• Don’t irritate old people.
  • The older we get, the less “Life in prison” is a deterrent.
• Aliens probably fly by Earth,
  • go home, and lock their doors.
• You will hit every cone on the highway before I let you merge in front of me,
  • because you saw that sign 2 miles back, just like I did.
• I asked my wife if I was the only one she had ever been with.
  • She said yes, all the others were nines and tens. Give it a minute.
• I really don’t mind getting older, but my body is taking it badly.
  • It turns out that being an adult now is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
• I miss the 80s when bread was still good for you,
  • and no one knew what kale was.
• I want to be 15 again and ruin my life differently.
  • I have lots of new ideas.
• As I watch this new generation try to rewrite our history, one thing I’m sure of:
  • it will be mis-spelled and have no punctuation.
• I told my wife I wanted to be cremated.
  • She made me an appointment for Tuesday.
• Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
• My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make food right in front of you.
  • I took her to Subway.
• I picked up a hitchhiker.  He asked if I wasn’t afraid, he might be a serial killer?
  • I told him the odds of two serial killers being in the same car at the same time were extremely unlikely.
• I went line dancing last night.
  • OK, it was a roadside sobriety test.  Same thing.

Michael the sailor docked at New York after a frustrating three-month voyage.

Unfortunately he’d lost most of his pay playing poker on board ship, so when he eventually found a lady of the night all he could offer her was 50 cents and a pair of sneakers.

She refused with disdain. He wandered around in search of a more accommodating girl, but was refused time and time again.

Eventually he found a more sympathetic lady who told him that although she could not possibly accept his offer herself, he could always try Mabel down the road. But she warned him not to expect too much as Mabel was very unresponsive and would probably just lie there passively.

He found Mable and as times were hard she reluctantly agreed to accept the 50 cents and the pair of sneakers for her services, but told him not to expect any kind of response from her.

Michael began the amorous act and after a few minutes was please to find an arm coming around his back. This was followed shortly after by a leg curling around his rear.

Michael, who had always fancied himself a bit of a Romeo, gasped, “I knew you wouldn’t be able to resist my charms.”

“Don’t worry about me, love,” answered Mabel, “I’m just trying on the sneakers.”

Mrs. Pauley tried her hand at baking cinnamon rolls for the first time. 

She put them on the breakfast table, Mr Pauley picked one up and took a bite. 

Mrs. Pauley waited for several minutes for the compliment that never came. 

Finally, she asked: “How much do you think I get if I sold those cinnamon rolls commercially?” 

“No more than 10 years,” Mr.Pauley replied, never putting down the morning paper. 

H  O  L  Y       C  O  W  !!!

Another relative on a very strange branch of my family tree.  (Get it?) (LOL!)

Passing an office building late one night, Lynn, a Blonde saw a sign that said, “Press bell for night watchman.” 

She did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman clomping down the stairs. 

The uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving door. 

“Well,” he snarled at Lynn, “what do you want?” 

Lynn replied, “The sign said, Press Bell FOR Night Watchman. 

I just wanted to know why you can’t ring it yourself.” 

Marg: I’ll tell you one thing! I’m never going out with my friend Stephanie again! 

Gail: Why on earth not? You two are best friends!

Marg: Yeah, well, last night a good-looking man walked up to our table at the bar, said hello, and told us his name. 

I told him that my name is Marg, and introduced my friend Stephanie.

He said, “Wow! On a one to ten scale, you two ladies make a twenty!” 

I said, “Really?”

He said, “Yeah! Your friend Stephanie here is definitely a 15!” 

There was a young lady named Hall, 
Wore a newspaper dress to a ball. 
The dress caught fire, 
And burned her entire 
Front page, sports section, and all 

We can smoke it, we can play it, it’s multipurpose. 

An Irishman arrived at Heathrow Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks.

An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.

“No,” replied the Irishman. “I’ve lost all me luggage!”

“How’d that happen?”

“The cork fell out!” said the Irishman.

Vicky, grew increasingly displeased as her teenage daughter and her boyfriend studied in her room late one evening. 

Finally losing patience shortly after ten o’clock, Vicky knocked sharply on the girl’s door. 

Her daughter’s boyfriend, a bit disheveld and with some lipstick visable on his cheek,  immediately opened it and asked if something was wrong. 

“I have to ask you to move your car,” Vickie told him. 

“Oh, sure, yes ma’m. Is it in someone’s way?” 

“No,”  Vickie replied, “it’s at the wrong address.” 

If garbage workers in your community ever go out on strike, you might like to know how a wise New Yorker disposed of his refuse for several days when sanitation workers were on strike. 

Each day he wrapped his garbage in gift paper. Then he put it in a shopping bag. When he parked his car, he left the bag on the front seat with the window open. When he got back to the car, the garbage had always been collected. 

Which is why I use stevia … but there’s probably something wrong with that, too.

So very, very true.  So many people really need to keep that in mind.

That is exactly what I have always taught my kids when they were growing up.  You NEVER start it, but you ALWAYS finish it with EVERYTHING you have.  Never ever allow someone to lay their hands on you for free.  They always pay for it.  Even the girls got that lesson.  And to the best of my ability they got the skills taught to them to go along with the lesson.

You do not know the look of scorn until you stare into the eyes of your future wife after explaining to her that the car that “cut her off” in fact, did have the right of way.

Everybody has a secret world inside of them.  All of the people of the world, I mean everybody.  No matter how dull and boring they are on the outside, inside them they’ve all got unimaginable, magnificent, wonderful, stupid, amazing worlds.  Not just one world.  Hundreds of them.  Thousands maybe.

~ Neil Gaiman, Sandman: A Game of You

Yeah, they’ll get the bullets first
and second
and third

Oh and I bet the Irish just LOVED that!

You know folks, I never cared that you were gay, until you started shoving it down my throat, and I never cared what color you were, till you started blaming me for your problems, and I never cared about your political affiliation, until you started condemning me for mine.  I really never even cared where you were born, until you wanted to erase my history, and blame my ancestors for your problems.  You know I never even cared if your beliefs were different than mine, until you said my beliefs were wrong, but now I care.  My patience and tolerance are gone, and I am not alone in feeling like this.  There are millions of us who feel this way and there are a lot more of us than there are of you.  You may be louder and ruder than we are, but in the long run, we are right and we are the majority.  We tried being polite and letting you have your opinion and your own little part, but you weren’t happy with that.  You want everyone to see it your way and to bow down to you.  You can’t be happy with your piece, you want it all!  Well, soon you may not have any of it because of your greed and stupidity.  

Strong people always have their life in order.  Even with tears in their eyes, they still manage to say “I am okay,” with a smile.

What’s the difference between a Woman’s Zipper and a Man’s Zipper?

When a woman unzips her pants, her brain doesn’t fall out.

And here we have a very special message from Nurse Marsha to Joe in NJ.

During a field exercise my squad was on a night patrol through some thick brush. 

Halfway through, we realized we’d lost our map. 

The patrol navigator informed us, “Our odds are 1 in 360 that we’ll get out of here.” 

“How did you come up with that?” someone asked. 

“Well,” he replied, “one of the degrees on the compass has to be right.” 

MILITARY WISDOM 

“A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what’s left of your unit.”    -Army’s magazine of preventive maintenance. 

“Aim towards the Enemy.”     -Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher 

“When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.   -U.S. Marine Corps 

“Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground.” -U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop 

“If the enemy is in range, so are you.”  -Infantry Journal 

“It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.”   -U.S. Air Force Manual 

“Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.”  -Gen. Mac Arthur 

“Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo.” -Infantry Journal 

“You, you, and you . . . Panic. The rest of you, come with me.”  -U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt. 

“Tracers work both ways.”   -U.S. Army Ordnance 

“Five second fuses only last three seconds.”  -Infantry Journal 

“Don’t ever be the first, don’t ever be the last, and don’t ever volunteer to do anything.”  -U. S Navy Swabbie 

“Bravery is being the only one who knows you’re afraid.”  -David Hackworth 

“If your attack is going too well, you’re walking into an ambush.”    -Infantry Journal 

“No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.”  -Joe Gay 

“Any ship can be a minesweeper… once.”  -Anon 

“Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.”  -Unknown Marine Recruit 

“Don’t draw fire; it irritates the people around you.”  -Your Buddies 

“If you see a bomb technician running, follow him.”  -U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop 

A well off young man was moving from one house to another, a few streets away. 

Observing with dismay the care-free way in which the moving crew yanked his cherished antiques about, he was filled with a desire to save from possible damages a tall grandfather’s clock which he prized highly. 

Taking the clock in his arms he started for the new house. 

But the clock was as tall as its owner, and heavy besides, and he had to put it down every few feet and rest his arms and mop his streaming brow. Then he would clutch his burden and stagger on again. 

After half an hour of these strenuous exertions he was nearing his destination, when an intoxicated person who had been watching his labors from the opposite side of the road took advantage of a halt to hail him. 

“Mister,” he said thickly, “could I ash you a quest’n?” 

“What is it?” demanded the exhausted young man. 

“Why on earth don’t you carry a watch?” 

And that my dear campers, is that.  May God Bless you with Love and Happiness until we meet again.

It’s Thursday.  Thanks to EVERYONE who pointed out to me that the guy on the motorcycle had the tow strap around his chest!  I honestly didn’t notice that.  I just thought that it was a really crappy t-shirt design. 

It’s been a tough week for me.  Every single day this week has been busy.  Which means I’ve built this issue in between doing a bunch of other things, so I’m not really sure whether I’m coming or going.  So, not sure if I covered everything this episode or not. 

But, one thing I am REALLY sure of, there is plenty of stuff for you guys to  laugh at and forget about the world’s BS for a little while. 

The Biden Family was found to have accepted bribes from China for years!  Big surprise there!  I’m gonna go WAY out on a limb here and say NOT A DAMN THING IS GOING TO BE DONE ABOUT IT!!  NOTHING!!  ZILCH!!!  It’s all fixed and rigged and it doesn’t matter.  The only reason that anything might be done about it is if the shadow government powers-that-be are done with him and don’t want him to run again, they will use this as an excuse to get rid of him.  Okay, so that sounds like I’m covering both sides of that bet, so …

I had to get to this one right away!  This video…well, not THIS video, but the original video of the Cat Lady giving her whole speech, was sent to me by our good buddy Sasquatch.  But, he sent it to me as an MP4, which I like cause I can watch it really easily, but I dislike cause I can’t load it into the ezine.  So, I have to go and search the internet for a copy that I CAN put into the ezine and the only one I could find was a talk show where THEY were talking about it.  But you will get the general idea.

And it was amazing how many talk shows that I found talking about it where they were calling her a hater and a racist because she called out the craziness of it!  All I can say to them is…seek help!

What do you get if you spell Evian (Water) backwards?

Hmmm…

This quick little report if from Lynn…

Breitbart reports that Fox News is refusing to let Tucker out of his contract before it expires in 2024. In other words, they want to to keep him on the sidelines until after the 2024 election. In other words, Fox News wants another 4 years of Joe Biden

Tucker is just the latest example of the establishment removing prominent thought leaders/important personalities on the right before the next election. They removed James O’Keefe from Project Veritas, Dan Bongino, and they removed Trump from everything in a coordinated effort back in 2020.

All this makes Elon buying Twitter that much more important.

She makes a pretty good point.  

Why’s it always, ALWAYS have to be Bob?

Dang dude!  Stop giving away all my secrets!!!

Even statues of me start appearing in places.

I have no idea…maybe the wind tore it off the side of a building???

I was eating my Chinese dinner last night and it made me think!

There are thousands of Chinese restaurants and take-outs all over this country which means there are loads of Chinese people!

But how many Chinese funerals have you seen? I’ve never seen one!

So what are they doing with them?

No thank you very much!!

Don’t let anyone else ruin your day.
It’s YOUR day.
Ruin it yourself.

Not diggin’ the mustache, dude.

Why is it OK to say when I look in your face?

Time stands still, but it’s not OK to say you have a face that would stop the clock.

The local bar was so sure its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time, including the professional wrestlers and bodybuilders, but nobody could do it.

One day a scrawny little man came in, wearing a tie and a pair of pants hiked up past his belly button.

He said in a squeaky annoying voice, “I’d like to try the bet.”

Even the hillbilly chicks burst into laughter.

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, “Ok,” grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. He then handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, “What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, weight lifter, or what?”

The man replied, “I work for the IRS.”

Just looking at this picture would freak Izzy out and give her nightmares for weeks!!!

This is from Joe from NJ and he says, “What if we all did this?”  and I think it’s a GREAT IDEA!!!

Dear WalMart & Target, HomeDepot and all other stores that have self checkout –

You are almost exclusively self-checkout now. The last time I was there, you had a lady stopping everyone at the exit, checking receipts. I didn’t choose to participate in that nonsense, so I just skipped the exit line and left. I heard her saying “Sir, Uh, Sir” as 1 kept walking and raised the receipt above my head, leaving the store. You can either trust me to do self-checkout, or you can put your cashiers back in place like it used to be. I’m not interested in proving that I did your job for you. You want me to be a cashier with no training then that’s your problem not mine. Don’t Audit me for a position you refuse to employ any longer.

Signed, All of us

Absolutely marvelous!  And what do they do if they check your receipt and find that you’ve made a mistake?  Accuse you of stealing?  No thank you very much.

Here’s another oldie but goodie…

There was a midget down in Texas whose testicles ached almost all the time.

The midget went to the doctor and told him what the problem was. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants.

The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, usual method to check for a hernia.

“Aha!” mumbled the doc and putting his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. “Aha!” said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors.

Snip, snip, snip, snip on the right side then snip, snip, snip,snip,snip, snip, snip on the left side.

The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt.

The doctor then told the midget to get dressed and see if they still ached.

The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around the doc’s office and discovered his testicles were no longer aching.

The midget replied, “Perfect Doc, and I didn’t even feel it… What did you do?”

The Doctor replied, ” I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots”

And only two sexes.  How about that?

A motorcycle officer stops a vehicle that has ran a red light.  

The driver is a real jerk and comes running back to the officer and asks why he is being harassed by the Gestapo and the officer calmly tells the driver of the red light violation. 

The driver goes into a tirade, and questioning the officer’s ancestry, sexual orientation etc.  

The officer takes it all in professional stride and writes the ticket and places an “AH” in the bottom right hand corner – Narration” 

The officer hands the driver the ticket and requests a signature.  

The driver angrily signs the ticket and notices the “AH” and demands to know what that is for. 

The officer removes his mirror like sunglasses and gets in the drivers face and in a low voice says “So that when we get in court in three months time, I can remember that you are an ass hole!” 

Three months later, in court, the driver has hired a lawyer, as his driving record is not what you would call perfect, and he expects to lose his licence. 

The officer gives his evidence on the driver running a red light.  

Then under cross examination, the driver’s lawyer asks if this is the ticket the officer had issued. 

“Yes, this is the defendant’s copy of the ticket I issued” states the officer. 

Lawyer then asks ” Is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket that you don’t normally make?”

The officer says “Yes in the bottom right hand corner, in the Narrative box, is the  AH underlined” 

Lawyer “What does the AH stand for, officer?” 

Officer ” Aggressive and Hostile” 

Lawyer ” Are you sure?” 

Officer ” Yes sir.” 

Lawyer ” Are you sure that it doesn’t stand for ass hole?” 

Officer ” Well sir, I am sure you know your client better than I do” 

Pretty darn effective ones, too!

Boy, ain’t that the truth!

Now there’s a conversation we could have…I’ve never heard that one before!

The headwaiter of the five-star, elegant restaurant recoiled in disgust as a man in muddy hipwader boots, frayed and torn jeans, dirty leather jacket, long, stringy dirty hair, and a beard with flecks of long ago food marched right towards him.

The man said, “Yo, bucko, where’s your shitter?”

The headwaiter calmly replied, “Go down the hall and turn left. When you see the sign marked ‘Gentlemen’, pay absolutely no attention to it and go right inside.”

A little girl was diligently pounding away on her father’s word processor.

She told him she was writing a story.

“What’s it about?” he asked.

“I don’t know,” she replied. “I can’t read.”

That’s gotta come in handy, right?

Midlife is when the growth of the hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.

Midlife women no longer have upper arms; we have wingspans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts; we are flying squirrels in drag.

Midlife has hit when you stand naked in front of the mirror and can see your rear end without turning around.

Midlife is when you bounce (a lot), but you don’t bounce back. It’s more like splat!

Midlife is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, “Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those things will too!”

Midlife is when you realize that, if you were a dog, you would need a control top flea collar.

Midlife is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old that you have to pay someone to look at you naked.

Midlife brings the wisdom that “life throws you curves” and that you’re now sitting on your biggest ones.

Midlife can bring out your angry, bitter side. You look at your latte-swilling, beeper-wearing know-it-all teenager and think, “For this I have stretch marks?”

Midlife is when your memory really starts to go: the only thing you still retain is water.

The good news about midlife is the glass is still half-full. Of course, the bad news is that it won’t be long before your teeth are floating in it.

You know you’ve crossed the midlife threshold when you’re in the grocery store and you hear a Muzak version of “Stairway to Heaven” in the produce department.

Midlife is when your 1970’s Body-by-Jake now includes Legs-by-Rand McNally (more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of the state of Wisconsin).

Midlife is when you start to repeat yourself and your chins follow suit.

You become more reflective in midlife. You start pondering the “big” questions: what is life, why am I here, and how much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it’s no longer a healthy choice.

Prepare yourself…a lot of wisdom coming your way!

A mouse looked through a crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife opening a package. 

What food might it contain? 

He was aghast to discover that it was a mouse trap. 

Retreating to the farmyard the mouse proclaimed the warning: “There is a mouse trap in the house, a mouse trap in the house! ” 

The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, “Excuse me, 

Mr. Mouse, I can tell this is a grave concern to you, but it is of no consequence to me. I cannot be bothered by it.” 

The mouse turned to the pig and told him, “There is a mouse trap in the house, a mouse trap in the house!” 

I am so very sorry Mr. Mouse,” sympathized the pig, “but there is nothing I can do about it but pray. Be assured that you are in my prayers.” 

The mouse turned to the cow. She said, “Like wow, Mr. Mouse. A mouse trap. Like I am in grave danger. Duh…NOT!” 

So the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected, to face the farmer’s mouse trap alone. 

That very night a sound was heard throughout the house, like the sound of a mouse trap catching its prey. 

The farmer’s wife rushed to see what was caught. 

In the darkness, she did not see that it was a venomous snake whose tail the trap had caught. 

The snake bit the farmer’s wife. 

The farmer rushed her to the hospital. 

She returned home with a fever. 

Now everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup, so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup’s main ingredient. 

His wife’s sickness continued so that friends and neighbors came to sit with her around the clock. 

To feed them, the farmer butchered the pig. 

The farmer’s wife did not get well and a few days later she passed away. 

So many people came for her funeral, that the farmer had the cow slaughtered, to provide meat for all of them to eat. 

So the next time you hear that someone is facing a problem and think that it does not concern you, remember that when there is a mouse trap in the house, the whole farmyard is at risk. 

On Mother’s Day, my seven-year-old son couldn’t wait to present me with a book of poetry he had written about me. 

Part of it was an acrostic of my name, Victoria, with an adjective describing me next to each letter. 

Beside “I” he had written “Intelligent,” next to the “C,” “Caring,” and for the “O,” “Outstanding.” 

I was swelling with pride until I came to the final “A.” 

Next to it my son had written “Able to scream.” 

You know I can’t possibly say anything here.  

And that dear campers, brings us to the end of another exciting episode of Dragon Laffs!  Until we meet again, may our Dear Lord bless you with Love and Happiness.