You’ll find some left over Halloween cartoons and memes intermixed throughout today’s issues.  Most of them are from Friggin’ Pete, which is no surprise, but they were funny enough that I had to include them, even if they were a bit late.

You just don’t see enough people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.

The fact that I’m considered an adult is both terrifying and hilarious.

As I lay there, my naked body covered in chocolate and whipped cream, I hear those five inevitable words…

“Clean up in aisle three”.

“What the hell are you doing on my roof!” (Our anti-door-to-door salesman devices are the very best!)

She can’t cook, but she can start an argument from scratch.

Those are pretty cool.

If you can’t fly with the big girls stay off the broom.

Lady with newborn:  I can’t believe that in just 18 short years my kids will be independent adults and won’t need me for anything!

Every parent with an 18-year-old:  [laughs hysterically]

The view out my office window when I’m at corporate headquarters.

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says: “Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large.”

Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says: “We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.”

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks: “And what are those?” 

The Aussie, fed up with the bragging, asks with an incredulous look: “Don’t you have any grasshoppers in Texas?”

TOMBSTONE SAYINGS 

In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery: 

Anna Wallace:

The children of Israel wanted bread, 
And the Lord sent them manna. 
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife, 
And the Devil sent him Anna. 

A man went fishing one day.  He looked over the side of his boat and saw a snake with a frog in its mouth.  

Feeling sorry for the frog, he reached down, gently took the frog from the snake, and set the frog free.  

But then he felt sorry for the snake.  

He looked around the boat, but he had no food.  All he had was a bottle of bourbon. 

So he opened the bottle and gave the snake a few shots.  

The snake went off happy, the frog was happy, and the man was happy to have performed such good deeds.  

He thought everything was great until about ten minutes passed and he heard something knock against the side of the boat.  

With stunned disbelief, the fisherman looked down and saw the snake was back with two frogs! 

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers. 

“Yes,” he said. “I do. My father taught me.” 

“Good. What comes after three.” 

“Four,” answers the boy. 

“What comes after six?” 

“Seven.” 

“Very good,” says the teacher. “Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?” 

“A jack,” says the kid. 

And there in lies one of the MAJOR problems in America today!

A minister told his congregation, “Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17.” 

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. 

Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, “Mark has only 16 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.” 

Fu, Bu and Chu immigrated to the US from China.

They decided to become American Citizens, and “Americanize” their names.

Bu – called himself “Buck”

Chu called himself “Chuck”

and Fu had to go back to China.

An oldie, but truly a goodie…

A Professor was giving a lecture on “Involuntary Muscular Contractions” to his first year medical students.

Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, “Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you’re having an orgasm?”

She replied, “Probably deer hunting or playing golf with his buddies.”

Little Johnny's teacher was having trouble with him disrupting the class by always telling lies and making up stories. 

So she went to the principal about this and he told her the next time this happened to send little Johnny to his office. 

Sure enough here came Little Johnny and the principal was ready to teach him a lesson. He told Johnny to take a seat, he wanted to tell him a story. 

He said, "Johnny, the other day I decided to go duck hunting but I only had two shots. 

So, I fired my first shot and killed two ducks. They were falling out of the sky and fell into a tree, where they hit four squirrels and killed them. 

So, the two ducks and four squirrels came falling to the ground where they hit two rabbits and killed them. 

Just as I was going to gather up my animals, a bear came out and started to get them. 

Then the weirdest thing happened. A little dog showed up out of nowhere and attacked the bear, so I was able to get all the animals I had killed. 

Now, little Johnny, you believe that story don't you?" 

Little Johnny said, "Sure I do. That was my dog and that's the third bear he's got this year!" 

A man who suffered from impotence went to see a doctor.

The doctor gave him a revolutionary new injection made from monkey glands, which worked perfectly.

Nine months and two weeks later, his wife had a baby.

When the nurse came out of the delivery room with the news, he asked, “Is it a boy or a girl?”

“We won’t know until it comes down off the chandelier.”

And that is the end of another one my dear friends, family and fellow campers.  Phew!  Came in right under the wire on that one.  May your day be blessed with Love and Happiness and Lots and Lots of Laughter!!

I did.  I voted this morning, Saturday morning to be exact.  I took Izzy with me.  I can’t help but think that all I did was cancel out her vote, but if that’s the case then so be it.  But Indiana, and our area especially is a pretty staunch republican area, so I’m not too worried about it.

But I am worried for the rest of the country.  Get out there and vote.  Vote early, vote often.  No, I’m kidding.  Don’t vote often.  That’s a democrat trick.  We have to play by the rules.  The good guys always do.  The bad guys can do what they want.  That’s why they’re bad guys and why we have to stop them. 

This is our chance to make a difference, get out there and vote.  Vote Republican.  DO NOT VOTE LIBERTARIAN.  As much as you might want to, it ends up being a vote for the Democrats.  They don’t have a chance of winning.  I know a lot of them have some good ideas, but this is a two-party nation.  Any vote that doesn’t go to a Republican is a vote that helps the democrats.  Several important races could have been won if it weren’t for the libertarians.  The Republican lost by 2% of the vote and the Libertarian took 4% of the vote.  No chance in hell of winning but took what could have been the winning votes from the Republican nominee. 

Well, it’s Halloween, so we’re going to pay at least a little homage to that holiday.  Not that it has ever been anything here at the Dragon residence since we’ve moved into this house.  But, we’ll do a little Halloween this issue.  So, let’s get to it.

Q: What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn’t??

A: A navel.

A reporter for a major newspaper went out to interview a farmer who owned a very famous pig. On arrival, the farmer took the reporter out to the pig pen and introduced her to his famous pig. The reporter immediately noticed the pig was missing a rear leg. When she asked the farmer about this he replied, well, let me tell you about this pig. One day the house caught fire and the pig broke through the pen fence, rushed into the house, and alerted the family of the fire. My wife who was overcome by smoke was dragged from the burning house and the whole family was safe because of that pig. And is that how the pig lost its leg the reporter asked. Well now, young lady the farmer said, let me tell you about this pig. One day I was plowing in the lower forty acres when the tractor ran into a sinkhole and tipped over throwing me to the ground and pinning my leg under it. No one could hear me calling for help I was so far away but the next thing I knew this pig was running toward me at full gallop. He began rooting around and digging, and the tractor was swaying and possibly going to shift in a way that would have killed us both but the pig prevailed and drug me out. And is that the way the pig lost its leg the reporter asked again. Well, I just have to tell you about this pig the farmer replied. One day my son was playing alongside the swift running stream just down yonder when he fell in. He was quickly swept away and headed for a dangerous area of boulders. Once again this pig came to the rescue when he jumped into the stream and while the current carried them into the boulders he was still able to get my son to the bank before collapsing in exhaustion. Well, surely that must have been what cost the pig his leg. Well, no the farmer replied, you see honey when you have a pig that valuable, you just don’t eat him all at once.

This one is pretty good.  50 Times People Took Their Neighbors By Surprise With Their Halloween Decorations. https://www.boredpanda.com/halloween-creative-scary-decorations/?utm_source=smartnews&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=organic

It’s perfectly OK to talk to yourself and it’s perfectly OK to answer yourself.  But it’s totally sad that you have to repeat what you said because you weren’t listening.

Kummakivi is a 500 tons rock in Finland that has been balancing on top of another rock for 11,000 years.

Always make sure SOMEONE in the relationship has good credit.  That’s why it’s called SIGNIFICANT other.  Sign/if/I/can’t. 

Follow me for more marriage tips.

A man dies and appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter looks at the fellow and says, “Before I can let you in, I need you to show me your scars.”  

Proudly, the man answers , I don’t have any scars.”

With tears in his eyes, St. Peters asks him, “Was nothing worth fighting for?”

My wife just phoned me to say that 3 girls in her office have received flowers and they are absolutely gorgeous.  

I said, “That’s probably why!!”

The TRUTH is, that all of the “STUFF” here on earth we work SO hard to buy and accumulate..does NOT mean a thing. At the end of the day…people will be cleaning out our “STUFF”, going thru our “STUFF”, figuring out what to do with all of our “STUFF”….this “STUFF” we’ve accumulated in our life. The only thing of VALUE that remains are the MEMORIES and what we deposit into others. May we all learn to spend less time accumulating “STUFF” and spend way more time making MEMORIES.
~Bob Strain

Just type in Fantasy Halloween and some of the things you find are pretty cool.

Four women were chatting in the locker room, when one of them mentioned the fact that while there were numerous terms for male masturbation, i.e. jerking off, spanking the monkey, slappin’ the salami and so on, there weren’t any common terms for female masturbation.

“I’ve always called it ‘jilling off’,” said one of the women.

“But that’s just a feminization of ‘jacking off,'” said the first.

“You’re right,” said another. “We don’t seem to have any slang terms of our own for it.”

The fourth woman snorted. “After fourteen years of marriage, there’s only one thing I call it.”

“What’s that?”

“Finishing the job.”

This hit me…

You never really know the true impact you have on those around you.  You never know how much someone needed that smile you gave them.  You never know how much your kindness turned someone’s entire life around..  You never know how much someone needed that long hug or deep talk.  So don’t wait to be kind.  Don’t wait for someone else to be kind first.  Don’t wait for better circumstances or for someone to change.  Just be kind, because you never know how much someone needs it.

I went to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. 

Anonymous my ass!  I knew everyone there!

I have decided with a peaceful spirit, a loving heart, and a clear mind that some people can still kiss my ass.

Pretty girls who are unaware of their looks are more attractive than gorgeous girls who flaunt it.

I just don’t understand how people can see sunsets and ocean waves and babies and shooting stars and mountain ranges and genuine smiles and blooming flowers and snow flakes and crazy miracles and yet still believe that there is no God and this life is all just one big coincidence.

Robert Anson Heinlein.  My personal favorite author of all time.  If you want to read books from a true patriotic visionary, pick up his books.

The plumber said, “Why haven’t you paid the bill for the work I did last Friday?”

Paddy replied, “Well, it was not what you quoted.”

The plumber said, “I didn’t give you a quote.”

Paddy replied, “Yes you did!  When asked what day you could come, you said you were free on Friday!”

Of course I’ll attend your no alcohol, vegetarian Halloween party.  I’ll be dressed as the Invisible Man.

Netflix:  You want to watch a 10-hour movie? 

Me:  What?! No! Absolutely not!  Are you insane?! 

Netflix:  What if we break it up into hour-long episodes and you watch them all in one sitting? 

Me:  You son-of-a-gun!  I’m in!

Sixty might be the new forty, but 9:00 is the new midnight.

Well, I guess I had a few more new Halloween cartoons and memes than I thought I did … all thanks to you guys.  So, I hope you end up having a wonderful and happy holiday.  I will be at my second training class for becoming a moderator for counseling.  But, like I said, we don’t get any trick-or-treaters because of where we sit anyway.

So, until next time…

Not much going on.  I stayed home from work today because I wasn’t feeling well.  That allowed me to finish up this episode, watch TV and relax a little.  Not sure what’s wrong, but not feeling well at all.  Might be the flu that’s going around. 

I saw where Pelosi’s husband got beat up  inside his own home.  They were looking for her, she was out of town, he had no protection and ended up in the hospital.  You’d think that he’d of had some sort of security there.  Something smells kind of fishy to me, but who am I to say?  Let’s just keep defunding the police.

Anyway, kind of starting to get things ready for Christmas for Izzy.  Not really sure what to do this year.  I’m definitely not looking forward to it.  Next Saturday I have a special meeting of my original grief group on making it through the holidays.  It’s going to be hard.  Really hard. 

Izzy asked me the other day what we were going to do for Thanksgiving and I almost cried.  That was always Mary’s thing.  Izzy is probably going to have to work at least part  of the day.  I know that my son and grand kids are going to be at someone else’s house this year … either his mom or her mom or something.  Mary’s family is getting together the weekend after Thanksgiving, which will be nice, but a bit odd at the same time.  I really don’t know what to do.  I’d say to hope to get invited to someone else’s house, but then with Izzy’s social anxiety issues, she won’t go and I want it to be a good day for her, too…and …

oh hell …

it’s just going to be hard.

Can we just wave a magic wand and have it be January 3rd or 4th or something and all of this is behind us? 

Sounds like we really need to laugh.  Long and hard.  So without further ado… 

“The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.” – Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

LETTER FROM CAMP 

Dear Mom and Dad, 

Our scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and were worried. We are OK.  Only one of our tents and two sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up the mountain looking for Chad when it happened. Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK.  He can't write because of the cast. 

I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it wasn't for the lightning. Scoutmaster Walt got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. 

Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did.  Also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back. 

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Walt gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck.  The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Walt said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.  We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It get pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Walt is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up here is logging trucks. 

This morning, all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake.  Scoutmaster Walt wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake.  It was great.  You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Walt isn't crabby like some scoutmasters.  He didn't even get mad about the lifejackets. He has to spend a lot of the time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. 


Guess what?  We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Wade and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Walt said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken.  He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedophile? 

I have to go now.  We are going to town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don't worry about anything.  We are fine. 

Love, Jordie 

PS: How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot? 

A gynecologist decides that he’d had it with gynecology. He wanted to go and fulfill his lifelong dream and become a car mechanic. So he studied hard, and when he felt he was ready, he registered to go take the state licensing test. 

The results of the test arrived a few weeks later, and with trembling hands he opened the envelope to discover that he passed with flying colors! He got a score of 200 points out of the 100 points possible. “200 points out of 100 points possible?” he asks himself. “How can that be?” 

So he calls the licensing board and they tell him: “You see sir, you received 50 points for taking the engine apart perfectly, 50 points for putting the engine back perfectly, and 100 EXTRA points for doing it all through the exhaust.” 

Two good friends, ready to go to work.

TOMBSTONE SAYINGS

Stranger, treat this ground with gravity; Dentist Brown is filling his last cavity.

"IT'S A GUY THING" 
Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical." 

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?" 
Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?" 

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR" 
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response. 

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN." 
Translated: "I have no idea how it works." 

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND." 
Translated: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra." 

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD." 
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner." 

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR." 
Translated: "Are you still talking?" 

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS." 
Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday." 

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES." 
Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe." 

"OH, DON'T FUSS - I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL." 
Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt." 

"I CAN'T FIND IT" 
Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless." 

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?" 
Translated: "What did you catch me at?" 

"I HEARD YOU." 
Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me." 

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE." 
Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse." 

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC" 
Translated: "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving." 

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE." 
Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again." 

This next one is just … odd …

When I came into the office this morning, I noticed a sort of general feeling of unfriendliness, and since several of you have called me a "dirty son of a bitch" to my face, I knew I must have done something wrong at the office New Years Party. 

The Office Manager called me from the hospital today and as this is my last day, I'd like to take this way of apologizing to all of you. I would prefer speaking to everyone personally, but all of you seem to go deaf and dumb whenever I try to talk to you. 

First, to our dear and beloved boss, I am sorry for all the things I called you Friday afternoon. I'm very much aware that your father is not a baboon, nor your mother a Chinese whore. Your wife is a delightful woman, and my story of you buying her for 50 cents in Tijuana was strictly a figment of my imagination. Your children are undoubtedly yours, too. About the water cooler incident, you'll never know how badly I feel about it, and I hope you didn't hurt your head when they were trying to get the glass jug off. 

To Mary, I express my deepest regrets. In my own defense, I must remind you that you seemed to enjoy our little escapade on the stairway as much as I did until the banister broke and we fell eight feet to the second floor landing. In spite of the rupture you incurred when I landed on top of you, I am sure you will admit that when we landed it was one of the biggest thrills you have ever had. 

Sam, you old cuss, you've just got to forgive me for that little prank I played on you. If I had known you were goosey, I'd have never done it. It would have been a lot worse if that fat lady hadn't been standing right under the window you jumped through. She really broke your fall a lot. People have been killed falling three stories. 

Gene, I regret telling the fireman it was you who turned in the false alarm. But, of course, I had no way of knowing they would make such a big deal about it. Those fire hoses sure have a lot of pressure don't they? And the water is cold!! 

Don, I know how you must feel about me. Opening the door to the broom closet suddenly must have startled you and Millie quite badly, and to think how hard you bumped your chin on the sink when you bent over to pull up your pants, it makes me sick. We'll have to get together for dinner some night after the dentist finishes your plates. 

Nancy, the only excuse I can offer for stealing all your clothes and hiding them when I found you passed out in the ladies room, is that I was drunk. Also, I want you to know I was very embarrassed when I couldn't remember where I hid them, and you had to go home in that old sofa cover. Running your falsies up the flagpole was a bit too much, but like I said, I was a little drunk. 

To all of you, I am sorry. Setting Jan's panties on fire seemed funny at the time, and it makes me sad to hear that her husband is divorcing her because of it. 

Urinating in everyone's drink was in bad taste, and not telling them about it until all the drinks were gone was even worse. 

Now that I have apologized to all of you and know that I am forgiven, I will do my darndest to come to the picnic. 

“Damn!  Looks like the elevator is out again.”

A man was telling his friend about his upstairs neighbors.

“They started to jump up and down on the floor at five o’clock in the morning!”

His friend asked, “well, didn’t that disturb you? Didn’t you complain?”

“No, it didn’t disturb me. I was practicing my trumpet.”

Little Johnny's dad was a farmer in a poor district of the country. 

One day his Uncle Abner came to visit. Since there were limited accommodations, he was required to sleep with his young nephew, Little Johnny. 

When Uncle Abner came into the bedroom, he saw the Little Johnny Kneeling at the side of the bed with his head bowed. 

Thinking this was the child's religious upbringing, he decided to present a good example and kneeled at the other side of the bed with his head bowed. 

Little Johnny looked up and said, "Whatcha doin'?" "Why, the same thing you're doing", replied Uncle Abner. 

"Ma's gonna be mad", said Little Johnny. 

"Why will she be mad?" asked Uncle Abner. 

"Because the bed pan's on this side!" responded Little Johnny. 

Scuba Diving Geologist
There’s a scuba diving geologist who has made it his business to measure the relative sizes of the rises, drops, cavities and undulations of coral formations. Of course, this can only be done in the summer months so he takes the winters off to avoid the frigid air.

You may tag him as a frost-free reef ridge rater. 

Someone said, “30 years ago”, and my mind went, “Ah yes!  The 1970’s”, but they meant 1992, and now I need to go lie down.

One day George tried to roast some corn on his gas grill but he left the grill turned up too high and the corn caught fire and burned, shucks, cob and all.  The smioke and the stench were terrible and caused quite a stir in the neighborhood and George knew the neighbors were talking about him because his ears were burning.

I’ve gotten behind with my Scrabble Club subscription, now they’re sending me threatening letters.

I took this picture.  This sign is hanging in my commander’s office.

Tax his cow, tax his goat, tax his pants tax his coat.

Tax his crops. tax his work. tax his tie, tax his shirt.

Tax his chew, tax his smoke, teach him taxes are no joke.

Tax his tractor, tax his mule. teach him taxes are the rule.

Tax his oil, tax his gas, tax his notes, tax his cash.

If he hollers tax him more, tax him till he’s good & sore.

Tax his coffin, tax his grave, tax the sod in which he lays.

Put these words upon his tomb: “Taxes drove me to my doom”.

After he’s gone he can’t relax, they’ll still go after the inheritance tax.

Lisa, my co-worker at the travel agency, needed to send a letter of apology to a customer whose trip was a complete fiasco from start to finish.

I reminded her of a similar situation a year earlier and dug out the letter I’d written then.

“All you have to do,” I told her, “is to change the details, the date, and the name.”

She looked it over and smiled wryly. “We won’t even need to change the name.”

A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. 

He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc. 

So he asked his class, “Where is Jesus today?” 

Steven raised his hand and said, “He’s in heaven.” 

Mary was called on and answered, “He’s in my heart.” 

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurts out – “I know! I know! He’s in our bathroom!!!” 

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this. 

And Little Johnny said, “Well…every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells – ‘Jesus Christ, are you still in there!?’!” 

The surprising thing is how well this works.

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.

She puts them on together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.

At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs enough times that her husband finally asks “Are you wearing crotchless panties?”

“Y-e-s” she answers with a seductive smile.

“Thank God. I thought you were sitting on the cat.”

Until next time my friends

Not much to say today and not much time to say it.  It’s been a VERY busy week for me.  Monday was a new class to learn how to be a Grief Counselor, that will be every Monday for the next ten weeks, Tuesday was darts nights… got my first Hat Trick in soft tip.  I’ve done it in steel tip, but never soft tip, (see the below picture) and then two legs later, I got a second one in the same night!  And now tonight, Wednesday night, is Bible Study!  How in the world did I get so busy?

Little Johnny was being questioned by the teacher during an arithmetic lesson.

‘If you had ten dollars,’ said the teacher, ‘and I asked you for a loan of eight dollars, how much would you have left?’

‘Ten,’ said Little Johnny firmly.

‘Ten?’ the teacher said ‘How do you make it ten?’

‘Well,’ replied Little Johnny ‘You may ask for a loan of eight dollars, but that doesn’t mean you’ll get it!’

Let’s face it – English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger, neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth beeth? One goose, two geese. So one moose, two meese? One index, two indices? Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people and not computers and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

A man was driving recklessly down the motorway one day and his girlfriend in the passenger seat was getting very upset.

When the man finally realized that she was not happy with his driving and said, “Baby I’m sorry for driving so recklessly; I should be more careful when I have precious cargo!”

The girlfriend looked at him and said, “Oh, that’s so sweet, baby!”

Then the guy quickly corrected her, “No, no! I mean the golf clubs in the back!”

Absolutely disgusting!

Good Morning, Sunshine!

An American sailor on liberty visits one of those Japanese bath houses and pays for the deluxe treatment. So three bath maids start working him over.

First they dunk him in the hot water and lather him up good, then dunk him in the cold water and back in the hot water. They cleaned out his toenails and scrubbed his knees, elbows and behind his ears. Then again in the cold then hot tubs.

He was feeling totally cleaned and refreshed when one maid asks, “Ah sooo, you want the wax job?”

The sailor says, “Well I want everything I’m supposed to get since I paid for the deluxe.”

So the bath maid takes his manly parts and lays them out on a marble bench. While holding his pecker up, she then raises her right hand and with a ‘Hi Yahhh’ she karate chops his nuts… causing wax to shoot out both of his ears.

Should be the rule in more establishments. 

I got called “pretty” today!

Well, actually the full statement was “you’re pretty annoying”.  But I only focus on positive things.

You’re never to old to throw random stuff into people’s shopping carts when they aren’t looking.

Welcoming the neighbors for an afternoon seafood steam.

When I was little, I laughed when my mom crossed her legs when she sneezed…

I no longer find that funny.

After all these years my wife still thinks I’m sexy.

Every time I walk by she says, “What an Ass.”

Sometimes I think I’m insecure…

then I remember that some people get butt implants.

You don’t think that we are an absolute laughing stock around the world?

That’s Sky News in Australia.

Police have confirmed that the man who tragically fell from the roof of an 18th floor Nightclub was not a bouncer.

I saw a microbiologist today.

He was much bigger than I imagined.

I always wanted to be the last guy on earth, just to see if all those women were lying to me. – Ronnie Shakes

This is an oldie, but really, really goodie…

LETTER FROM A FARM KID, NOW AT SAN DIEGO MARINE CORPS RECRUIT DEPOT

Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.

Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there’s warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again.

It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk much. We go on “route” marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A “route march” is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat.

The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don’t bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don’t know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a Chipmunk head and don’t move. And it ain’t shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don’t even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, They break real easy. It ain’t like fighting with that ole bull at home.

I’m about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. He joined up the same time as me. But I’m only 5’6″ and 130 pounds and he’s 6’8″ and weighs near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Gail

A five-year-old boy was mowing his front lawn and drinking a beer.

The preacher who lived across the street saw the beer and came over to harass the kid. “Aren’t you a little young to be drinking, son?” he asked.

“That’s nothing,” the kid said after taking a swig of beer. “I got laid when I was three.”

“What? How did that happen?”

“I don’t remember. I was drunk.”

And that’s it.  Until next time.

Not much to talk about today.  I could rant about Biden and the  White House, but my doctor says I have to keep my blood pressure under control. 

Okay, so I’m only kidding about that part…the blood pressure thing, not the ranting about Biden and the White House.  But, all the news outlets are already talking about him not being competent to be president because of his huge gaffe on national TV, which the rest of us have known for years. 

Watching the Colts get their butts beat by the Titans, who they’ve always had trouble against.  I’m actually taping the Green Bay game so I can watch it afterward, so no one tell me how it turns out, okay?

Anyway, like I said, not really much else to say, so let’s get to the stuff you guys really want to see…  

Every “C” in Pacific Ocean is said differently.

Congratulations to everyone who didn’t have any college debt.

Now you do.

Mix it up a little.  Text a random phone number the following message:  “The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper.  What do you want me to do?”

Me and my shadow.  But, who’s talking?

Nice response.

The local hairdresser got robbed.  the police are combing the area.

I’m not actually worried about the cost of college because my son is 6 foot 5 so he’s gonna get a women’s basketball scholarship.

For past 21 years, my wife has been complaining about my not putting the cap back on the toothpaste.  This anniversary, I decided to change this bad habit and make my wife happy.

For a week, I was diligent, always capping the toothpaste.

I was expecting my wife to thank me, but she never did it.

Finally, yesterday while taking dinner, she turned and looked at me and said, “Why have you stopped brushing your teeth?”

Marriage is a difficult relationship, I tell you.

“I AM a real … oh, never mind.”

I stood waving to my neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before realizing she was cleaning her windows.

There’s a 4 bedroom, 3 bath pothole on East Main Street, if anyone’s looking.

This one comes to us again, from Friggin’ Pete.  Thanks Pete, this one is really special.

Stephen B. says: These two “tree stumps” are my latest carvings.  I got the idea from a youtuber named Ddalo.  They are 4 and 5 inches high.  Enjoy!  They’re pretty cool Stephen B.!

The National Park Service has officially advised against sacrificing slower friends in a bear attack, “Even if the friendship has run its course”.

People cry, “My body, my choice!” Well, I say, “Your student loan, your payments.”

I hate when I go to the kitchen looking for food and all I find are ingredients.

That is such a very, very sad cartoon…

Doctor:  Did you take those pills I gave you last month?

Me:  You said take them on an empty stomach, so no.

Went to a store the other day that was promising big senior discounts.

Got a 6′ 4″ 72-year-old and a 240 pound 83-year-old at HALF OFF!

Can’t be any worse than the clowns that are already in.

Why did it get so hot in the baseball stadium after the game?

All of the fans left.

And that’s it my friends.  May your days be filled with Love and Happiness until we meet again.