Not much to say today and not much time to say it.  It’s been a VERY busy week for me.  Monday was a new class to learn how to be a Grief Counselor, that will be every Monday for the next ten weeks, Tuesday was darts nights… got my first Hat Trick in soft tip.  I’ve done it in steel tip, but never soft tip, (see the below picture) and then two legs later, I got a second one in the same night!  And now tonight, Wednesday night, is Bible Study!  How in the world did I get so busy?

Little Johnny was being questioned by the teacher during an arithmetic lesson.

‘If you had ten dollars,’ said the teacher, ‘and I asked you for a loan of eight dollars, how much would you have left?’

‘Ten,’ said Little Johnny firmly.

‘Ten?’ the teacher said ‘How do you make it ten?’

‘Well,’ replied Little Johnny ‘You may ask for a loan of eight dollars, but that doesn’t mean you’ll get it!’

Let’s face it – English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger, neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth beeth? One goose, two geese. So one moose, two meese? One index, two indices? Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people and not computers and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

A man was driving recklessly down the motorway one day and his girlfriend in the passenger seat was getting very upset.

When the man finally realized that she was not happy with his driving and said, “Baby I’m sorry for driving so recklessly; I should be more careful when I have precious cargo!”

The girlfriend looked at him and said, “Oh, that’s so sweet, baby!”

Then the guy quickly corrected her, “No, no! I mean the golf clubs in the back!”

Absolutely disgusting!

Good Morning, Sunshine!

An American sailor on liberty visits one of those Japanese bath houses and pays for the deluxe treatment. So three bath maids start working him over.

First they dunk him in the hot water and lather him up good, then dunk him in the cold water and back in the hot water. They cleaned out his toenails and scrubbed his knees, elbows and behind his ears. Then again in the cold then hot tubs.

He was feeling totally cleaned and refreshed when one maid asks, “Ah sooo, you want the wax job?”

The sailor says, “Well I want everything I’m supposed to get since I paid for the deluxe.”

So the bath maid takes his manly parts and lays them out on a marble bench. While holding his pecker up, she then raises her right hand and with a ‘Hi Yahhh’ she karate chops his nuts… causing wax to shoot out both of his ears.

Should be the rule in more establishments. 

I got called “pretty” today!

Well, actually the full statement was “you’re pretty annoying”.  But I only focus on positive things.

You’re never to old to throw random stuff into people’s shopping carts when they aren’t looking.

Welcoming the neighbors for an afternoon seafood steam.

When I was little, I laughed when my mom crossed her legs when she sneezed…

I no longer find that funny.

After all these years my wife still thinks I’m sexy.

Every time I walk by she says, “What an Ass.”

Sometimes I think I’m insecure…

then I remember that some people get butt implants.

You don’t think that we are an absolute laughing stock around the world?

That’s Sky News in Australia.

Police have confirmed that the man who tragically fell from the roof of an 18th floor Nightclub was not a bouncer.

I saw a microbiologist today.

He was much bigger than I imagined.

I always wanted to be the last guy on earth, just to see if all those women were lying to me. – Ronnie Shakes

This is an oldie, but really, really goodie…

LETTER FROM A FARM KID, NOW AT SAN DIEGO MARINE CORPS RECRUIT DEPOT

Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.

Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there’s warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again.

It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk much. We go on “route” marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A “route march” is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat.

The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don’t bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don’t know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a Chipmunk head and don’t move. And it ain’t shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don’t even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, They break real easy. It ain’t like fighting with that ole bull at home.

I’m about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. He joined up the same time as me. But I’m only 5’6″ and 130 pounds and he’s 6’8″ and weighs near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Gail

A five-year-old boy was mowing his front lawn and drinking a beer.

The preacher who lived across the street saw the beer and came over to harass the kid. “Aren’t you a little young to be drinking, son?” he asked.

“That’s nothing,” the kid said after taking a swig of beer. “I got laid when I was three.”

“What? How did that happen?”

“I don’t remember. I was drunk.”

And that’s it.  Until next time.