Dragon Laffs #2095


You’ll find some left over Halloween cartoons and memes intermixed throughout today’s issues.  Most of them are from Friggin’ Pete, which is no surprise, but they were funny enough that I had to include them, even if they were a bit late.

You just don’t see enough people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.

The fact that I’m considered an adult is both terrifying and hilarious.

As I lay there, my naked body covered in chocolate and whipped cream, I hear those five inevitable words…

“Clean up in aisle three”.

“What the hell are you doing on my roof!” (Our anti-door-to-door salesman devices are the very best!)

She can’t cook, but she can start an argument from scratch.

Those are pretty cool.

If you can’t fly with the big girls stay off the broom.

Lady with newborn:  I can’t believe that in just 18 short years my kids will be independent adults and won’t need me for anything!

Every parent with an 18-year-old:  [laughs hysterically]

The view out my office window when I’m at corporate headquarters.

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says: “Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large.”

Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says: “We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.”

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks: “And what are those?” 

The Aussie, fed up with the bragging, asks with an incredulous look: “Don’t you have any grasshoppers in Texas?”

TOMBSTONE SAYINGS 

In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery: 

Anna Wallace:

The children of Israel wanted bread, 
And the Lord sent them manna. 
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife, 
And the Devil sent him Anna. 

A man went fishing one day.  He looked over the side of his boat and saw a snake with a frog in its mouth.  

Feeling sorry for the frog, he reached down, gently took the frog from the snake, and set the frog free.  

But then he felt sorry for the snake.  

He looked around the boat, but he had no food.  All he had was a bottle of bourbon. 

So he opened the bottle and gave the snake a few shots.  

The snake went off happy, the frog was happy, and the man was happy to have performed such good deeds.  

He thought everything was great until about ten minutes passed and he heard something knock against the side of the boat.  

With stunned disbelief, the fisherman looked down and saw the snake was back with two frogs! 

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers. 

“Yes,” he said. “I do. My father taught me.” 

“Good. What comes after three.” 

“Four,” answers the boy. 

“What comes after six?” 

“Seven.” 

“Very good,” says the teacher. “Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?” 

“A jack,” says the kid. 

And there in lies one of the MAJOR problems in America today!

A minister told his congregation, “Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17.” 

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. 

Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, “Mark has only 16 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.” 

Fu, Bu and Chu immigrated to the US from China.

They decided to become American Citizens, and “Americanize” their names.

Bu – called himself “Buck”

Chu called himself “Chuck”

and Fu had to go back to China.

An oldie, but truly a goodie…

A Professor was giving a lecture on “Involuntary Muscular Contractions” to his first year medical students.

Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, “Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you’re having an orgasm?”

She replied, “Probably deer hunting or playing golf with his buddies.”

Little Johnny's teacher was having trouble with him disrupting the class by always telling lies and making up stories. 

So she went to the principal about this and he told her the next time this happened to send little Johnny to his office. 

Sure enough here came Little Johnny and the principal was ready to teach him a lesson. He told Johnny to take a seat, he wanted to tell him a story. 

He said, "Johnny, the other day I decided to go duck hunting but I only had two shots. 

So, I fired my first shot and killed two ducks. They were falling out of the sky and fell into a tree, where they hit four squirrels and killed them. 

So, the two ducks and four squirrels came falling to the ground where they hit two rabbits and killed them. 

Just as I was going to gather up my animals, a bear came out and started to get them. 

Then the weirdest thing happened. A little dog showed up out of nowhere and attacked the bear, so I was able to get all the animals I had killed. 

Now, little Johnny, you believe that story don't you?" 

Little Johnny said, "Sure I do. That was my dog and that's the third bear he's got this year!" 

A man who suffered from impotence went to see a doctor.

The doctor gave him a revolutionary new injection made from monkey glands, which worked perfectly.

Nine months and two weeks later, his wife had a baby.

When the nurse came out of the delivery room with the news, he asked, “Is it a boy or a girl?”

“We won’t know until it comes down off the chandelier.”

And that is the end of another one my dear friends, family and fellow campers.  Phew!  Came in right under the wire on that one.  May your day be blessed with Love and Happiness and Lots and Lots of Laughter!!

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3 Responses to Dragon Laffs #2095

  1. Marsha Mastrangelo says:

    Started by work day with you this morning hope it was as good for you as.it was for.me..Now.i can got to work with a smile. Also thank you for showing me a side hussel I can do when I retire….I’d love.to wash statues…

    Have a great day.

  2. Shari says:

    You always make the day brighter thanks for the laughs and great stories

  3. jhjoseph says:

    Thanks for some laughs and smiles.

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