Dragon Laffs #2093


Not much going on.  I stayed home from work today because I wasn’t feeling well.  That allowed me to finish up this episode, watch TV and relax a little.  Not sure what’s wrong, but not feeling well at all.  Might be the flu that’s going around. 

I saw where Pelosi’s husband got beat up  inside his own home.  They were looking for her, she was out of town, he had no protection and ended up in the hospital.  You’d think that he’d of had some sort of security there.  Something smells kind of fishy to me, but who am I to say?  Let’s just keep defunding the police.

Anyway, kind of starting to get things ready for Christmas for Izzy.  Not really sure what to do this year.  I’m definitely not looking forward to it.  Next Saturday I have a special meeting of my original grief group on making it through the holidays.  It’s going to be hard.  Really hard. 

Izzy asked me the other day what we were going to do for Thanksgiving and I almost cried.  That was always Mary’s thing.  Izzy is probably going to have to work at least part  of the day.  I know that my son and grand kids are going to be at someone else’s house this year … either his mom or her mom or something.  Mary’s family is getting together the weekend after Thanksgiving, which will be nice, but a bit odd at the same time.  I really don’t know what to do.  I’d say to hope to get invited to someone else’s house, but then with Izzy’s social anxiety issues, she won’t go and I want it to be a good day for her, too…and …

oh hell …

it’s just going to be hard.

Can we just wave a magic wand and have it be January 3rd or 4th or something and all of this is behind us? 

Sounds like we really need to laugh.  Long and hard.  So without further ado… 

“The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.” – Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

LETTER FROM CAMP 

Dear Mom and Dad, 

Our scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and were worried. We are OK.  Only one of our tents and two sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up the mountain looking for Chad when it happened. Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK.  He can't write because of the cast. 

I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it wasn't for the lightning. Scoutmaster Walt got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. 

Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did.  Also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back. 

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Walt gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck.  The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Walt said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.  We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It get pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Walt is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up here is logging trucks. 

This morning, all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake.  Scoutmaster Walt wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake.  It was great.  You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Walt isn't crabby like some scoutmasters.  He didn't even get mad about the lifejackets. He has to spend a lot of the time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. 


Guess what?  We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Wade and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Walt said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken.  He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedophile? 

I have to go now.  We are going to town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don't worry about anything.  We are fine. 

Love, Jordie 

PS: How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot? 

A gynecologist decides that he’d had it with gynecology. He wanted to go and fulfill his lifelong dream and become a car mechanic. So he studied hard, and when he felt he was ready, he registered to go take the state licensing test. 

The results of the test arrived a few weeks later, and with trembling hands he opened the envelope to discover that he passed with flying colors! He got a score of 200 points out of the 100 points possible. “200 points out of 100 points possible?” he asks himself. “How can that be?” 

So he calls the licensing board and they tell him: “You see sir, you received 50 points for taking the engine apart perfectly, 50 points for putting the engine back perfectly, and 100 EXTRA points for doing it all through the exhaust.” 

Two good friends, ready to go to work.

TOMBSTONE SAYINGS

Stranger, treat this ground with gravity; Dentist Brown is filling his last cavity.

"IT'S A GUY THING" 
Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical." 

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?" 
Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?" 

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR" 
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response. 

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN." 
Translated: "I have no idea how it works." 

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND." 
Translated: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra." 

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD." 
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner." 

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR." 
Translated: "Are you still talking?" 

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS." 
Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday." 

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES." 
Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe." 

"OH, DON'T FUSS - I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL." 
Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt." 

"I CAN'T FIND IT" 
Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless." 

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?" 
Translated: "What did you catch me at?" 

"I HEARD YOU." 
Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me." 

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE." 
Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse." 

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC" 
Translated: "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving." 

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE." 
Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again." 

This next one is just … odd …

When I came into the office this morning, I noticed a sort of general feeling of unfriendliness, and since several of you have called me a "dirty son of a bitch" to my face, I knew I must have done something wrong at the office New Years Party. 

The Office Manager called me from the hospital today and as this is my last day, I'd like to take this way of apologizing to all of you. I would prefer speaking to everyone personally, but all of you seem to go deaf and dumb whenever I try to talk to you. 

First, to our dear and beloved boss, I am sorry for all the things I called you Friday afternoon. I'm very much aware that your father is not a baboon, nor your mother a Chinese whore. Your wife is a delightful woman, and my story of you buying her for 50 cents in Tijuana was strictly a figment of my imagination. Your children are undoubtedly yours, too. About the water cooler incident, you'll never know how badly I feel about it, and I hope you didn't hurt your head when they were trying to get the glass jug off. 

To Mary, I express my deepest regrets. In my own defense, I must remind you that you seemed to enjoy our little escapade on the stairway as much as I did until the banister broke and we fell eight feet to the second floor landing. In spite of the rupture you incurred when I landed on top of you, I am sure you will admit that when we landed it was one of the biggest thrills you have ever had. 

Sam, you old cuss, you've just got to forgive me for that little prank I played on you. If I had known you were goosey, I'd have never done it. It would have been a lot worse if that fat lady hadn't been standing right under the window you jumped through. She really broke your fall a lot. People have been killed falling three stories. 

Gene, I regret telling the fireman it was you who turned in the false alarm. But, of course, I had no way of knowing they would make such a big deal about it. Those fire hoses sure have a lot of pressure don't they? And the water is cold!! 

Don, I know how you must feel about me. Opening the door to the broom closet suddenly must have startled you and Millie quite badly, and to think how hard you bumped your chin on the sink when you bent over to pull up your pants, it makes me sick. We'll have to get together for dinner some night after the dentist finishes your plates. 

Nancy, the only excuse I can offer for stealing all your clothes and hiding them when I found you passed out in the ladies room, is that I was drunk. Also, I want you to know I was very embarrassed when I couldn't remember where I hid them, and you had to go home in that old sofa cover. Running your falsies up the flagpole was a bit too much, but like I said, I was a little drunk. 

To all of you, I am sorry. Setting Jan's panties on fire seemed funny at the time, and it makes me sad to hear that her husband is divorcing her because of it. 

Urinating in everyone's drink was in bad taste, and not telling them about it until all the drinks were gone was even worse. 

Now that I have apologized to all of you and know that I am forgiven, I will do my darndest to come to the picnic. 

“Damn!  Looks like the elevator is out again.”

A man was telling his friend about his upstairs neighbors.

“They started to jump up and down on the floor at five o’clock in the morning!”

His friend asked, “well, didn’t that disturb you? Didn’t you complain?”

“No, it didn’t disturb me. I was practicing my trumpet.”

Little Johnny's dad was a farmer in a poor district of the country. 

One day his Uncle Abner came to visit. Since there were limited accommodations, he was required to sleep with his young nephew, Little Johnny. 

When Uncle Abner came into the bedroom, he saw the Little Johnny Kneeling at the side of the bed with his head bowed. 

Thinking this was the child's religious upbringing, he decided to present a good example and kneeled at the other side of the bed with his head bowed. 

Little Johnny looked up and said, "Whatcha doin'?" "Why, the same thing you're doing", replied Uncle Abner. 

"Ma's gonna be mad", said Little Johnny. 

"Why will she be mad?" asked Uncle Abner. 

"Because the bed pan's on this side!" responded Little Johnny. 

Scuba Diving Geologist
There’s a scuba diving geologist who has made it his business to measure the relative sizes of the rises, drops, cavities and undulations of coral formations. Of course, this can only be done in the summer months so he takes the winters off to avoid the frigid air.

You may tag him as a frost-free reef ridge rater. 

Someone said, “30 years ago”, and my mind went, “Ah yes!  The 1970’s”, but they meant 1992, and now I need to go lie down.

One day George tried to roast some corn on his gas grill but he left the grill turned up too high and the corn caught fire and burned, shucks, cob and all.  The smioke and the stench were terrible and caused quite a stir in the neighborhood and George knew the neighbors were talking about him because his ears were burning.

I’ve gotten behind with my Scrabble Club subscription, now they’re sending me threatening letters.

I took this picture.  This sign is hanging in my commander’s office.

Tax his cow, tax his goat, tax his pants tax his coat.

Tax his crops. tax his work. tax his tie, tax his shirt.

Tax his chew, tax his smoke, teach him taxes are no joke.

Tax his tractor, tax his mule. teach him taxes are the rule.

Tax his oil, tax his gas, tax his notes, tax his cash.

If he hollers tax him more, tax him till he’s good & sore.

Tax his coffin, tax his grave, tax the sod in which he lays.

Put these words upon his tomb: “Taxes drove me to my doom”.

After he’s gone he can’t relax, they’ll still go after the inheritance tax.

Lisa, my co-worker at the travel agency, needed to send a letter of apology to a customer whose trip was a complete fiasco from start to finish.

I reminded her of a similar situation a year earlier and dug out the letter I’d written then.

“All you have to do,” I told her, “is to change the details, the date, and the name.”

She looked it over and smiled wryly. “We won’t even need to change the name.”

A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. 

He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc. 

So he asked his class, “Where is Jesus today?” 

Steven raised his hand and said, “He’s in heaven.” 

Mary was called on and answered, “He’s in my heart.” 

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurts out – “I know! I know! He’s in our bathroom!!!” 

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this. 

And Little Johnny said, “Well…every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells – ‘Jesus Christ, are you still in there!?’!” 

The surprising thing is how well this works.

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.

She puts them on together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.

At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs enough times that her husband finally asks “Are you wearing crotchless panties?”

“Y-e-s” she answers with a seductive smile.

“Thank God. I thought you were sitting on the cat.”

Until next time my friends

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2 Responses to Dragon Laffs #2093

  1. jhjoseph says:

    Thanks for making my week.

  2. Leah D says:

    My Mother passed just before October’s end. Thanksgiving and Christmas tables were set with a placing for her.

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