Well, we are past Christmas…barely, but now we’re getting to the difficult part.

But, we’re not going to discuss that right now.  We’re going to stay with the good stuff, the happy stuff.  Today’s issue is going to be a normal, regular, everyday Dragon Laffs episode made of high quality, American Made material.  I will give you the standard, American Made warnings:

Or I will give you just one standardized Midwestern type warning, that we can all relate too, since us Indiana type dragons are like that…

So, that’s what we’re going to do.  A regular, ordinary, all American (excuses to all of you who are from some place other than America) issue.  And THIS Dragon is going to do everything he possibly can to be happy and cheerful and get through the next 14 days … two weeks … from the day you are reading this (or 16 days from the days I’m writing this) with God’s help and strength and your guys’ help and support it will ALL BE FINE.

Oh and just to compare it to the other day, we are up to 7°F and a wind chill of -14°F!  Man, it’s warming right up out here!  The real surprising part is that on Wednesday it’s supposed to be in the high 40’s to low 50’s!  That’s what they say about Indiana…if you don’t like the weather, wait a minute.

So, sit back, relax, enjoy a cup of

We’ll start with some late additions of our Christmas stuff…

Izzy Dragon sent that last one to me.  I have no idea what it goes with.  There’s probably a story behind it, but I have no idea what it might be.

A farmer’s horse dies and he heads into town to buy a replacement.

He heads to the local horse dealer to see what’s available. He looks at several fine horses but they are all way beyond what he can afford. He explains his predicament to the dealer who tells him,

“Come around back, I think I may have something for you”

He shows him a horse that while not as impressive as those out front, seems to be healthy and strong. And the price is less than half the others.

“Before I can sell you this horse,” explains the dealer, “There’s something I have to tell you”

“I knew there had to be a catch” said the farmer, “What is it?”

“Well, this horse likes to sit on banana peels.” said the dealer. “If he sees a banana peel anywhere, he’ll sit on it and you won’t be able to budge him for half an hour”

The farmer thinks this over for a while and decides that it’s pretty unlikely he’ll come across too many banana skins, so he agrees to buy the horse.

He saddles it up and heads for home. A few miles down the trail the farmer is feeling pretty good about the whole deal, the horse is sure footed and responds well to the reins. He figures he’s got a good bargain.

Suddenly, up ahead, he spies something yellow on the ground. As they get closer he realizes that it’s a banana peel. The trail is too narrow to go around the banana peel so he decides to cross to the trail on the other side of the river. He steers the horse into the river and they start to cross.

Halfway across the river the horse suddenly sits down and the farmer is thrown into the water cracking his head on a rock.

Nothing the farmer can do will get the horse on it’s feet again. Soaking wet, bleeding and shivering with cold, the farmer wades to the other bank.

Half an hour later the horse gets back on its feet and walks to shore. The farmer rides it back to the farm without incident.

The next time the farmer is in town, the dealer sees him and asks how he’s making out with his new horse.

“Terrible!” says the farmer. He points to the gash on his head and tells him the story of what happened in the river.

The dealer smacks his hand to his forehead and says…

“Oh! I forgot to tell you! He sits on fish too”

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what’s wrong. “Well,” replies Paul, “You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?”

“Yes,” replies Jeff with a laugh. “Well,” says Paul, straightening up, “I finally worked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed.”

“That’s great!” says Jeff, “When are you going out?” “I went to meet her this evening,” continues Paul, “but I was worried I’d get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped “it” to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn’t show”.

“Sensible” says Jeff. “So I get to her door,” says Paul, “and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, sexiest, dress you ever saw.”

“And what happened then?” “I kicked her in the face.”

There was a Jewish man who did circumcisions on small Jewish baby boys. He had been doing it for years and all the time collected the foreskins from all the babies. 

He had quite a lot, then one day walked past a shop that had the following sign in the window, 

“We Can Make Anything Out Of Anything – Just Bring The Material” 

So the Jewish man went in and asked them to make a purse from the foreskins he had collected. He was told to go back in a week’s time when it would be ready. 

A week later, he returned to the shop to collect the purse. He complemented the shopkeeper for doing such a fine job and asked how much he owed him. 

“$50” said the shopkeeper. 

“$50, for such a small purse, you must be joking! How come it’s so expensive?” 

The shopkeeper replied “Ah, you see this is no ordinary purse…if you rub it, it turns into a suitcase” 

And that’s on an EASY day.

“Me and Mrs. … Mrs. Jones. We got a thing … going on …”

I have no idea why I thought of that song when I saw that picture, but there you go.

So that one should have come a couple of days ago.

Karma at its VERY BEST.

Christmas morning – Izzy has made me cry several times this morning.  What a sweet and loving child.  She gave me two very special gifts.  The first one was a photo album filled with pictures of Mary, and Elizabeth and Mary, and Me and Elizabeth and Mary, and other people and Mary.  Pictures that I hadn’t seen before.  Pictures from her phone, from my computer, from my phone, from other people that she had gathered, had printed and put into a VERY SPECIAL album.  I cried.

Then I got a gift that was from Mary.  And it broke my heart … kind of.  I wondered how she was doing that?  I was hoping that I wasn’t going to be hurt by this.  I opened it up and it was a beautiful grey cardigan sweater.  I knew I had kind of mentioned something about that, but I didn’t get it until Izzy showed me this text message between her and her mom from LAST CHRSTMAS …

… that neither one of them had managed to get for me last year, so Izzy got it for me this year, but since it was Mom’s idea, she decided to give mom the credit and the present said Love, Mary.  

I cried like a baby.

What a great kid!

We’ll talk more after the next set of laughs…

It must be a democratic city.

Christmas Morning and we had some visitors…well, more like peeping-Toms.  Looking over at our window I saw this…

Four little peepers looking in at us while we were opening up our presents.  It was pretty neat.

“So tell me, Mrs. Smith,” asked the interviewer, “have you any other skills you think might be worth mentioning?”

“Actually, yes,” said the applicant modestly. “Last year I had two short stories published in national magazines, and I finished my novel.”

“Very impressive,” he commented, “but I was thinking of skills you could apply during office hours.”

Mrs. Smith explained brightly, “Oh, that was during office hours.”

“I really worry that I shall never meet you in heaven Little Johnny,” his Sunday-school teacher said.

“Oh, how come?” Little Johnny asked, “What have you done wrong?”

I pray that we all have the same confidence in our final destination as does Little Johnny above.

“So, I was hanging around the tubes the other day, minding my own business when these darn snakes showed up.”

A client brought a litter of golden retriever puppies to my veterinary clinic for inoculations and worming.

As the look-alike pups squirmed over and under one another in their box, I realized it would be difficult to tell the treated ones from the rest.

So, I turned on the tap, wet my fingers, and moistened each dog’s head when I had finished.

After the fourth puppy, I noticed my talkative client had grown silent.

As I sprinkled the last pup’s head, the woman leaned forward and whispered, “I didn’t know they had to be baptized, too.”

This is an old joke, but it’s a really good joke.  Thanks Joe for sending it along.

A man once spent days looking for his new hat. Finally, he decided that he’d go to church on Sunday and sit at the back.

During the service he would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door.

On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The sermon was about the 10 commandments.

He sat through the whole sermon and instead of sneaking out he waited until the sermon was over and went to talk to the minister.

“Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I changed my mind.”

The minister said, “Bless you my son. Was it when I started to preach ‘Thou shall not steal,’ that changed your heart?”

The man responded, “No, it was the one on adultery. When you started to preach on that, I remembered where I left my hat.”

No – Flippin’ – Way!!!!!  According to Google, when I asked, “How much is a Bugatti Veyron?”  The answer was: “A new Bugatti costs from $1.7 million for the cheapest model, a Bugatti Veyron, to upwards of $18.7 million for a Bugatti La Voiture Noire, the current most expensive model on the market.” and that was dated Nov 17, 2022.  So, I suppose $20K for an oil change is appropriate.  Ridiculous, but appropriate.

Top 10 things a man would do if he woke up in the morning with a Vagina:

10.  Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers. 

9.  Squat over a hand mirror for an hour and a half. 

8.  See if they could finally do a split. 

7.  Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch. 

6.  Get picked up in a bar in less that 10 minutes 

5.  Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

4.  Go to the gyno and ask to have the examination recorded on video.

3.  Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts, too. 

2.  Actually catch a buzz off 1 wine cooler. 

And the # 1 thing a man would do is: 

1.  Finally find that damn G-spot. 



Top 10 things a woman would do if she woke up in the morning with a penis:

10.  Get ahead faster in corporate America. 

9.  Get a blow job.

8.  Find out what is so fascinating about beating meat. 

7.  Pee standing up while talking to other men at the urinal. 

6.  Determine why you can’t hit the bowl consistently. 

5.  Find out what it’s like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

4.  Touch/Shift yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may be to others.

3.  Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.

2.  Understand the reason for the light refraction that occurs between man’s eyes and the ruler situated next to his member. 

And the # 1 thing a woman would do is: 

1.  Repeat # 9.

Chris gets a call from his buddy John one day, and John is on the phone crying. 

Chris asks, “John, what’s wrong? You sound really upset.” 

“Well,” replies John, “my wife’s been cheatin’ on me.” 

“With who?” asks Chris. 

“The neighbor,” replies John. 

“That damn dirty slut!” says Chris. 

“Yeah,” replies John, “you think I’m upset, you should’ve heard how upset the neighbors husband was.” 

Here’s another one from our Buddy Joe in Jersey.  

Thought you’d enjoy this!

It’s one you want your Children and Grandchildren to read.

They won’t believe this happened, but it DID.

Harry & Bess

(This seems unreal.)

Harry Truman was a different kind of President. He probably made as many, or more important decisions regarding our nation’s history as any of the other

42 [??] Presidents preceding him. However, a measure of his greatness may rest on what he did after he left the White House.

The only asset he had when he died was the house he lived in, which was in Independence Missouri . His wife had inherited the house from her mother and father and other than their years in the White House, they lived their entire lives there.

When he retired from office in 1952 his income was a U.S. Army pension reported to have been $13,507.72 a year. Congress, noting that he was paying for his stamps and personally licking them, granted him an ‘allowance’ and, later, a retroactive pension of $25,000 per year.

After President Eisenhower was inaugurated, Harry and Bess drove home to Missouri by themselves. There was no Secret Service following them.

When offered corporate positions at large salaries, he declined, stating, “You don’t want me.  You want the office of the President, and that doesn’t belong to me. 

It belongs to the American people and it’s not for sale.”

Even later, on May 6, 1971, when Congress was preparing to award him the Medal of Honor on his 87th birthday, he refused to accept it, writing, “I don’t consider that I have done anything which should be the reason for any award, Congressional or otherwise.”

As president he paid for all of his own travel expenses and food.

Modern politicians have found a new level of success in cashing in on the Presidency, resulting in untold wealth. Today, many in Congress also have found a way to become quite wealthy while enjoying the fruits of their offices.  Political offices are now for sale.

Good old Harry Truman was correct when he observed, “My choices in life were either to be a piano player in a whore house or a politician.  And to tell the truth, there’s hardly any difference.”

I say dig him up and clone him!

And another one from Joe…

Impish,

I first heard this in Catholic school. Probably 8th grade.
______________________
Two young nuns left the convent one early afternoon and stopped at a nearby liquor store.

They asked the clerk for a quart of Seagrams.

He told them it was highly irregular to sell to them.

They replied that it was for medicinal purposes.

“In that case it would be ok”.

Later that evening after closing the store and walking home, he was surprised to see both nuns sitting on a curb, quite smashed and with an empty bottle. “Sisters, I’m shocked to see you like this. You told me it was for medicinal purposes”.

One of the nuns was still able to talk (a little) replied: “It IS for medicinal purposes. Mother Superior is constipated and when she sees us she’s going to shit”!

Imagine, if you will, saying you don’t control gas prices for an entire year of price increases, and then, suddenly, taking credit for the price decline. At our campground we call that being a hypocritic, lying clown.

A man went to the doctor’s office to get a double dose of Viagra.

The doctor told him that he couldn’t allow him a double dose.

“Why not?” asked the man.

“Because it’s not safe,” replied the doctor.

“But I need it really bad,” said the man.

“Well, why do you need it so badly?” asked the doctor.

The man said, “My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can’t you see? I must have a double dose.”

The doctor finally relented saying, “Okay, I’ll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects.”

On Monday, the man dragged himself in; his arm in a sling.

The doctor asked, “What happened to you?”

The man said, “No one showed up.”

Torpenhow Hill, England

When the Saxons arrived and asked the Welsh the name of that hill, the Welsh said, “pen” which means “hill” in Welsh.  So the Saxons used their word for hill, “tor”, and called it Torpen (hill hill).

Then the Norse arrived and in the same process added their word for hill “Haugr”.  So now, it was Torpen Haugr (hill hill hill).

Later, the English called it Torpenhow Hill (hill hill hill hill)

Isn’t language awesome? 

Boy, that’s gator frustration for sure!  And the zebra is completely unaware … or the coolest damn customer EVER!!

Been there — Done that.
Then, Been There several more times, because apparently I never learn!

And speaking of passive-aggressive, that’s a great way to end this day after Christmas issue.  I hope you all had a GREAT holiday.  Thank you all for the wonderful emails and wishes you sent my way and the prayers and best wishes that you sent to Izzy and I.  They helped a lot.  Please continue to pray for us as we get through the next couple of weeks as we round up the anniversary of our wife and mother’s passing (as I know you will).  Keep yourselves safe and warm and filled with Love and Happiness.

Good Christmas Eve Morning my dear friends and fellow campers!

I’m going to try and follow my normal script with this issue, but I’ve got a few special things to share with you so, well, we’ll see how things work out.  I’d like to first start out by saying that right now it’s Thursday as I’m starting this and we are right at the beginning of our snowpocolypse that the Midwest is being hit with.  We have dropped ten degrees an hour in temperature over the last two hours and it looks like this third hour is lining up to be exactly the same.  Here, I’ll show you what I mean so far …

The snowflakes got in the last two because of the flash.  It’s been snowing the whole time but because of the wind, it’s not really piling up much on the back porch area.  Maybe I ought to switch to the front of the house to take pictures.

Anyway, let’s get into the laughter and I’ll give you some more updates as the night goes on, because I have a feeling I’m going to be up for a while.  I’ve got the next eleven days off because they’ve already closed the base for tomorrow and I’ve taken next week off as vacation to spend time with Izzy, so I’m not worried about getting my beauty rest.  I want to kind of keep an eye on things.  I’ve got water running in the taps and the heat cranked up, so we’ll see how it goes in my old 122 year old house.  So now…

Okay, let’s start with this one from Pete.  It’s his story, a family story of his that he shared with us last year and as far as I’m concerned, is one of those that we can gather round the Dragon Laffs fireplace and retell each year.  It is a great true tale that is deserving of telling year after year at this time, a true Spirit of Christmas.

The cost of a gift.

It was a Christmas many, many years ago. A four year old little girl was filled with the expectations of all that is Christmas. Wide eyed with joy and excitement over the thought of Santa Claus coming down her chimney and leaving her a present, full of wonder of what it would be, a new baby doll, maybe a bicycle, maybe even a new doll house. She wondered and hoped as she fell asleep that Christmas Eve.

What that little girl did not know was that her family had fallen on very hard times. This was a time long before unemployment payments, food stamps and all of the other safety nets we have today, times were hard, very hard and there was very little money for even putting food on the table for this Mother and Father and their five children, let alone buying Christmas presents for them. But still, the little girl slept that night comforted in the believe of the magic of Christmas.

She awoke that Christmas morning to find one gift with her name on it, with newspaper as it’s wrapping. Inside she found a book, a used book, a book so used and worn that the cover was long gone. It was the only thing her Mother and Father could come up with to give her but, it was something. Now, I know what you’re thinking but, the little girl loved that book, she loved it so much that she carried it with her everywhere and asked anyone and everyone to read it to her. She had so many people read it to her that even though she could not read, she could read that little beat up, worn out little book because, she followed the words as it was read to her. She loved her book so much and that love of books and reading would follow her all the days of her life.

I know this story to be true, the year was 1922, the book was Little Black Sambo and the little girl….that was my Mother.

My Grandma and Grandpa Sutton’s inability to pay for a gift gave my mother the greatest gift she could have received that Christmas morning. They gave her a hunger for the knowledge, the stories, the adventures and thrills she found in books and love of reading that followed her for the next 95 years of her life.

The cost of that gift was simply the love Grandma and Grandpa had for a four year old little girl.
May you find the real gifts, the real love and the real magic of Christmas this year…..

Pete

Thank you for sharing with us Pete and please remember to share with us again next year.

And here’s the next one in our series…

We only lost 3 degrees that hour.  But the windchill is -8, so … it’s pretty cold out there!

A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn’t understand two things:

1 – Women

2 – Fractions

Little Johnny went up to his father and asked, “Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?”

Johnny’s father replied, “Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, ’cause I still have mine.”

And then this very special Christmas greeting from our own Aussie Pete:

Even the whelpling helps decorate the tree

And this one goes out special to each and every one of you campers:

That one really freaked me out at first.  Took me a little while to figure it out.

And that one is just too weird.

A couple months ago, I entered a contest and ended up winning a few acres of swampland below the flood plane in Mississippi.

Before I knew it, right after that I won a $250,000 house, so naturally I built it on my new land.

Last week, I won enough money in the lottery to quit my job and move down there for good.

And just last night, as sat on my new porch watching the rain and listening to the thunder, it all started to sink in.

Probably the greatest gif of all time.

Shortly after the birth of their second child, a husband offered to take his wife shopping for a new dress.

He endured more than two hours of listening to her complaints about which figure flaw each dress accentuated.

As she emerged from the dressing room, having tried on the last selection, she asked for her husband’s opinion.

By this time he had learned just the right things to say.

“It’s perfect!” he exclaimed. “It makes your waist look smaller, your legs look longer, and slenderizes your hips.”

Just then another lady in the dressing room spoke out. “If there is a dress here that will do that, I’ll buy them all!”

This is an old joke, but a really good joke.

At a small terminal in the Texas Panhandle, three strangers are awaiting  their shuttle flight. 

One is a Native American passing through from Oklahoma. 

Another, a local ranch hand on his way to Ft. Worth for a stock show. 

The third passenger is an Arab student, newly arrived from the Middle East. 

To pass the time, they strike up a conversation on recent events, and the discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. 

Soon the Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout Muslim. The conversation falls into an uneasy lull. 

The cowpoke leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table, tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face while the wind outside blows tumbleweeds and the old windsock flaps. 

Finally, the Native American clears his throat and softly, he speaks: “Once my people were many, now we are few.” 

The Muslim raises an eyebrow and leans forward, “Once my people were few,” he sneers, “and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?” 

The Texan shifts the toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says, “That’s ’cause we ain’t played Cowboys and Muslims yet.” 

“Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!”

That’s the latest one and probably the last one for tonight.  Although I’m nervous as hell to go to sleep I’m going to have to at some point in time.  We dropped another 3 degrees and the wind-chill is down to -8 degrees.  The temperature is supposed to continue to drop until it hits -7 at 7 am where it is supposed to stay in negative numbers through Friday and into single positive digits through Saturday.  I think I have a right to be nervous and anxious.  I’ve got the water running in the kitchen and upstairs in the bathroom.  I don’t care if I spend $200 on the water bill, it beats the hell out of the cost of burst pipes.  I guess we’ll see.

You know, there’s a wonderful time and a place…chips is neither of those.

I was going away for a few days and left my husband a list of chores. For fun, I put down as Item 5: Think about your wife a lot.

After I returned, my husband proudly reported that he had completed every job.

When I saw the list, however, each item except No. 5 had been crossed off.

“What’s this!” I exclaimed. “Didn’t you think about me while I was gone?”

My chagrin vanished when he replied cheerfully, “I started to, but just never finished.”

This guy is outside of our Aerial port shop.  I don’t know if he’s their mascot or what, but I thought he was cool and took his picture.

A little boy was teaching a little girl arithmetic, he said it was his mission. 

He kissed her once; he kissed her twice and said, “Now that’s addition.” 

In silent satisfaction, she sweetly gave the kisses back and said, “Now that’s subtraction.” 

Then he kissed her, she kissed him, without an explanation. 

And both together smiled and said, “That’s multiplication.” 

Then her Dad appeared upon the scene and made a quick decision. 

He kicked that boy three blocks away and said, “That’s long division!” 

I looked it up, you can buy it on Amazon.

Well, it’s now Friday afternoon.  We made it through the night.  God protected our house.  Currently it is -4 degrees and feels like -31°F.  According to the news this morning, we made it down to -40°F wind chill overnight last night.  At 0730 hrs. this morning, I took the dogs out and we were out for LESS than a minute.  Then it was -36°.  I was thinking, when I was working restaurants, I had a walk-in freezer that I could have gotten in to warm up from being outside!  Both my little doggies peed really quick and ran back to the back porch and looked at me like, “Come’on Dad!  What’s takin’ you so long!!”  Anyway, let’s get back to our Christmas issue!

I have A LOT of questions…
You guys know where Fort Wayne, Indiana is, right?
The ocean is definitely NOT right there. 

Oh!  You work in MY office?

Okay, so here is an email from Joe that, in the Christmas Spirit, I’d like to share with the rest of you guys. And I’ll probably add a few more notes, comments or such as well…you know…while we’re here.

Joe,

Your words have touched me very deeply.  To think that Dragon Laffs have been the pick up that you needed when you were feeling that far down swells my heart (The Grinch ain’t got nuthin’ on me!).  Thank you my friend for sharing that with me and I’m very glad that your cancers are doing so well!

And thank you for allowing me to share this with the other campers who, I’m sure, will also offer up prayers on your behalf.   ~ Impish

This next one is from Bob who offers up a rebuttal to our one comment on The 12 days of Christmas and the hidden meaning behind it…

Thanks Bob for keeping track of things like that for us!  Nice job, brother.

And then we’ve got this one that I just thought was so nicely worded I had to include it here…

A wife complains, “Our wall clock almost hit my mother on the head today. It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch.”

The husband mumbles, “That clock always was slow.”

TOMBSTONE SAYINGS

In a cemetery in England:

Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, you soon will be.
Prepare yourself and follow me.

To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I’ll not consent
Until I know which way you went

Sally (a blonde) was seen going into the woods with a small package and a large bird cage. She was gone several days but finally she returned. Her friend, Liz, never saw Sally looking’ so sad.

Liz, “Heard you went off in the woods for a couple of days. Glad you got back okay…but you look so sad. Why??”

Sally, “Cause I just can’t get a man.”

Liz, “Well, you sure won’t find one in the middle of the woods.”

Sally, “Don’t be so silly. I know that. But I went in the woods ’cause I needed something there that would get me a man. But I couldn’t find it.”

Liz, “I don’t understand what you’re talking about.”

Sally, “Well, I went there to catch a couple of owls. I took some dead mice and a bird cage.”

Liz, “So, how’s that gonna help you get a man?”

Sally, “Well, I heard the best way to get a man is to have a good pair of hooters.”

WOMEN’S ENGLISH: 
1. Yes = No 
2. No = Yes 
3. Maybe = No 
4. We need = I want 
5. I am sorry – You’ll be sorry 
6. We need to talk = you’re in trouble 
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not 
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later 
9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron! 
10. You’re certainly attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about? 

MEN’S ENGLISH: 

1. I am hungry = I am hungry 
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy 
3. I am tired = I am tired 
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage! 
5. I love you = Let’s have sex now 
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex? 
7. May I have this dance? = I’d like to have sex with you. 
8. Can I call you sometime? = I’d like to have sex with you. 
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d like to have sex with you.
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d like to have sex with you.
11. I don’t think those shoes go with that outfit – I’m gay 

A guy traveling through the prairies of the USA stopped at a small town and went to a bar. He stood at the end of the bar, ordered a drink, and lit up a cigar. 

As he sipped his drink, he stood there quietly blowing smoke rings. 

After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into the air, an angry American Indian stomped up to him and said, “One more remark like that and I’ll smash your face in!” 

And that my friends, is the end of the EXTRA SPECIAL Christmas Issue.  I hope you had as much fun going through it as I had putting it together.  I’d like to wish each and every one of you a truly magical and marvelous Christmas holiday.  May the magic of Santa mix with the Blessings of God and the birth of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ to bring you a wonderous and Joyous holiday.  I hope my little Christmas gift to you brought a smile to you face.  I’m not sure whether there will be an issue on Monday or not, we’ll just have to see, so until then…

One more issue before Christmas.  Actually, there’s lots of issues surrounding Christmas, but I’m talking about Dragon Laffs episodes, not those kinds of issues.  I’ve got a lot of those issues.  

Are we confused yet?  I know I am.

I’m actually beginning this on Sunday, yup…a day before the last episode even came out.  I’m trying to get a bit ahead so that I’m sure to have issues for you guys through the holidays.  Since these holiday issues are so much large than the regular ones.

So, let’s get started with the laughter and help bring laughter all the way up to the happy holidays.

Tarzan leaves the jungle, comes to civilization, and applies for a job. 

Interviewer: Name? 

Tarzan: Me Tarzan 

Interviewer: Married? 

Tarzan: Wife Jane 

Interviewer: Children? 

Tarzan: Son boy 

Interviewer: Anything else to your name besides Tarzan? 

Tarzan: Tarzan, King of the Jungle 

Interviewer: Jane’s Whole Name 

Tarzan: Jane’s Hole named Pussy 

A concerned patient asked the doctor if masturbation is harmful. 

“Not usually,” answered the doctor. “Not unless you do it too often.” 

“How about three times a day?” the patient asked. 

“That seems a little excessive. Why don’t you get a girlfriend?” 

“Oh,… I already have a girlfriend,” the patient replied. 

“I mean a girl you can live with and have sex with?” asked the doctor. 

The patient said, “I’ve got one just like that!” 

So the doctor asked, “Then why do you masturbate three times a day?” 

“Because… she won’t have sex during mealtimes!” 

 Famous Quotes
“The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.” – Al McGuire
“It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.” – Andy Borowitz
“My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.” – Caroline Rhea
“All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.” –  Casey Stengel
“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.” –  Dave Barry

That is an absolutely adorable picture!

Friendship training starts at a young age.

Boss told me that as a security guard it’s my job to watch the office.

I’m on Season 6, but I’m not really sure what it’s got to do with security.

Sometimes the black sheep of the family is the only one who has the balls to tell the truth.

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.  
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs and rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Johnny asked, “Dad, why are you doing that?”
His father replied, “Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.”
Johnny, looking worried, said, “Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.”

Christmas Angel

I remember…

I didn’t break the rules.
The rules were already broken when I got here.

How many kidneys does this guy have?!?!

There’s nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul.
Even if it’s cold.
Over ice.
With a celery stalk.
And vodka.

And they vote…

Wondering if he was involved with the Clintons, that seems to be a popular cause of death.

Yeah, I’m gonna pass on that one, too.

A Friend Who becomes an enemy after a little misunderstanding has been an enemy all along.
They were just pretending.

So … the car is in the shop and they found more … pistons, rings, catalytic converter …stuff.  I’ve already put so much money into this thing that it’s practically brand new, so, after much prayer and discussion I told them to go ahead and fix it.  It will practically be a brand new engine, heck, practically a brand new car.  But, man oh man.  I can’t take any more!  Truly I can’t.  Merry flippin’ Christmas! 

I need that Publishers Clearing House guy to come by my house on December 30th and tell me that I’ve won $5000 a week for life or for a rich uncle to leave me an oil well or someone to start me a Go Fund Me page or something.  I ended up taking money out of my 401K at 20% interest, but geez.  I’M DONE ALREADY!

I’m trying to stay positive for Izzy’s sake, but wow is it hard.  I keep repeating to myself, “It’s only money, it’s only money, it’s only money…” until you don’t have any. 

As if my Holiday Depression wasn’t bad enough.

On the flip side, we just finished our Christmas Eve service at church this evening … yes, I know, today is the 21st … work with me here … and oh what a FANTASTIC service it was!!!  I was SO uplifted in the spirit.  I was playing security tonight, so I was mostly out in the hallway by the front doors and didn’t get to sit with the rest of the congregation,  and I was STILL FIRED UP!  Oh, it was so beautiful!

So, putting all the above together, I know that the Lord is working in my life, even through the hard times.  And I know that there is a plan through all of it and I’m trying to find the joy in the season DESPITE everything else that’s going on and perhaps that’s the lesson He’s trying to teach me.  And maybe it is JUST money and maybe my Mary is in a much more wonderful and glorious place that I should be overly, joyously happy for her for, and maybe I should cheerfully live the rest of my life fulfilling God’s Plan of bringing Happiness and Solace and Peace and Grief Counseling and everything else that He’s teaching me through all this to other people and once I learn and accept that then things will start going better and easier for me.

Holy cigar smoke!  Did I just figure out God’s Plan for me while sitting here writing to you guys?

…

…

Okay, definitely gonna need to go and pray about that.  More on that later.  More laughter now, I’m a bit gobsmacked right now.  

Here’s a little note from Stephen that I thought I’d include.  You’ll see why.

We were supposed to host my granddaughters birthday party today but it looks like that is not going to happen.  My wife has had a cough the past few days and today she felt worse. To be on the safe side she took 3 home COVID tests and it shows she is positive.  I feel fine but took the test and also have tested positive. 

Looks like we will be hunkering down for a spell so I wish everyone a happy holiday season if I do not see or talk to you.

Meanwhile, here is a picture of my latest carvings.  They are 55mm (2 inches) high or so. Enjoy.

We all hope and pray that everyone is feeling better, Stephen.  And those are adorably cute little houses.

That takes “You’ll poke your eye out!” to a whole new level.

Great Sign!!!

Jim lived all his life in the Florida Keys. 

On his deathbed he knows the end is near.

His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons are with him.

He asks for two witnesses to be present, a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.

When all is ready he begins to speak:

“My son, Doug, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses”

“My daughter Kelly, you take the apartments between mile markers 100 and Tavernier.”

“My son, Kevin, I want you to take the offices over in the Marathon Government Center.”

“Cathy, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the bay side on Blackwater Sound.”

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Steve slips away, the nurse says, “Your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property.”

The wife replies, “The asshole had a paper route.”

Boy was this guy wrong!

I checked with my personal Star Trek Czar and he said that this is all pretty much true.

Great description of America:  Andy has left town and Barney is in charge.

ONLY an IDIOT would cut off oil from an ALLY and buy it from an ENEMY who CALLS FOR YOUR DEATH at their morning prayers.

Boomers:  I can’t believe I wore bell bottoms.

Gen-X:  I can’t believe I wore my hair like that.

Millennials:  I can’t believe I was goth/emo

Gen-Z:  I can’t believe I cut my dick off

This one is from Joe and he writes:

I can’t prove this but it’s at least interesting. 

And this great story is from Friggin’ Pete!

The magic of Santa Claus

I remember my first Christmas adventure with Grandma. I was just a kid.  I remember tearing across town on my bike to visit her. On the way, my big sister dropped the bomb:
“There is no Santa Claus, “she jeered. “Even dummies know that!”

My Grandma was not the gushy kind, never had been.
I fled to her that day because I knew she would be straight with me. I knew Grandma always told the truth, and I knew that the truth always went down a whole lot easier when swallowed with one of her “world-famous” cinnamon buns. I knew they were world-famous, because Grandma said so. It had to be true.

Grandma was home, and the buns were still warm.
Between bites, I told her everything. She was ready for me. “No Santa Claus?” she snorted …. “Ridiculous! Don’t believe it! That rumor has been going around for years, and it makes me mad, plain mad!! Now, put on your coat, and let’s go.”

“Go? Go where, Grandma?” I asked. I hadn’t even finished my second world-famous cinnamon bun. “Where” turned out to be Kerby’s General Store, the one store in town that had a little bit of just about everything. As we walked through its doors, Grandma handed me ten dollars. That was a bundle in those days. “Take this money,” she said, “and buy something for someone who needs it. I’ll wait for you in the car.”  Then she turned and walked out of Kerby’s.

I was only eight years old. I’d often gone shopping with my mother, but never had I shopped for anything all by myself. The store seemed big and crowded, full of people scrambling to finish their Christmas shopping. For a few moments I just stood there, confused, clutching that ten-dollar bill, wondering what to buy, and who on earth to buy it for. I thought of everybody I knew: my family, my friends, my neighbors, the kids at school, the people who went to my church.

I was just about thought out, when I suddenly thought of Bobby Decker. He was a kid with bad breath and messy hair, and he sat right behind me in Mrs. Pollock’s grade-two class.  Bobby Decker didn’t have a coat. I knew that because he never went out to recess during the winter. His mother always wrote a note telling the teacher that he had a cough, but all we kids knew that Bobby Decker didn’t have a cough; he didn’t have a good coat. I fingered the ten-dollar bill with growing excitement. I would buy Bobby Decker a coat! I settled on a red corduroy one that had a hood to it. It looked real warm, and he would like that.

“Is this a Christmas present for someone?” the lady behind the counter asked kindly, as I laid my ten dollars down. “Yes, ma’am,” I replied shyly. “It’s for Bobby.”

The nice lady smiled at me, as I told her about how Bobby really needed a good winter coat. I didn’t get any  change, but she put the coat in a bag, smiled again, and wished me a Merry Christmas.

That evening, Grandma helped me wrap the coat (a little tag fell out of the coat, and Grandma tucked it in her Bible) in Christmas paper and ribbons and wrote, “To Bobby, From Santa Claus” on it. Grandma said that Santa always insisted on secrecy. Then she drove me over to Bobby Decker’s house, explaining as we went that I was now and forever officially, one of  Santa’s helpers.

Grandma parked down the street from Bobby’s house, and she and I crept noiselessly and hid in the bushes by his front walk. Then Grandma gave me a nudge.
“All right, Santa Claus,” she whispered, “get going.” I took a deep breath, dashed for his front door, threw the present down on his step, pounded his door and flew back
to the safety of the bushes and Grandma.

Together we waited breathlessly in the darkness for the front door to open.
Finally it did, and there stood Bobby.

Fifty years haven’t dimmed the thrill of those moments spent shivering, beside my Grandma, in Bobby Decker’s bushes. That night, I realized that those awful rumors about Santa Claus were just what Grandma said they were: ridiculous. Santa was alive and well, and we were on his team.
I still have the Bible, with the coat tag tucked inside: $19.95.

May you always believe in the magic of Santa Claus!

Women claim that they never pursue a man. Well, by the same token, a mousetrap never pursues a mouse, but the end result is the same.

And if you take the time and work it out, you’ll see that that last one really is true.  And with that little bit of wisdom and a very long day winding down and just in time to run and pick up the Izzy Dragon from work, I’m putting this one to bed!

The next one will be the official Christmas Issue and then we’ll be moving on to New Years.  May you all find Joy and Happiness in your life and help spread the laughter to others who may not be otherwise receiving it.

I love you guys.

And we’re drawing closer and closer.

And it’s getting tougher and tougher for me to hold things together.  Thank God I have you guys on my side.  

Let’s get some laughter in to start this issue and revisit this problem in a little while…

There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel. 

He asked the hat check girl to come up to his roomfor dinner. 

After a while he started making passes, she stopped him and reminded him he was a holy man. 

“It’s OK,” he replied, “it’s written in the Bible.”

So after a wild night of sex, the hat check girl asked to see where in the Bible it says it’s okay to have wild, passionatesex. 

The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first page where someone wrote in pencil: “The hat check girl puts out!” 

Sure, that’s exactly what that’s for.

Rudolph – Behind The Story

As the holiday season of 1938 came to Chicago, Bob May wasn’t feeling much comfort or joy. A 34-year-old ad writer for Montgomery Ward, May was exhausted and nearly broke. His wife, Evelyn, was bedridden, on the losing end of a two-year battle with cancer. This left Bob to look after their four-year old-daughter, Barbara.
One night, Barbara asked her father, “Why isn’t my mommy like everybody else’s mommy?” As he struggled to answer his daughter’s question, Bob remembered the pain of his own childhood. A small, sickly boy, he was constantly picked on and called names. But he wanted to give his daughter hope, and show her that being different was nothing to be ashamed of. More than that, he wanted her to know that he loved her and would always take care of her. So he began to spin a tale about a reindeer with a bright red nose who found a special place on Santa’s team. Barbara loved the story so much that she made her father tell it every night before bedtime. As he did, it grew more elaborate. Because he couldn’t afford to buy his daughter a gift for Christmas, Bob decided to turn the story into a homemade picture book.
In early December, Bob’s wife died. Though he was heartbroken, he kept working on the book for his daughter. A few days before Christmas, he reluctantly attended a company party at Montgomery Ward. His co-workers encouraged him to share the story he’d written. After he read it, there was a standing ovation. Everyone wanted copies of their own. Montgomery Ward bought the rights to the book from their debt-ridden employee. Over the next six years, at Christmas, they gave away six million copies of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer to shoppers. Every major publishing house in the country was making offers to obtain the book. In an incredible display of good will, the head of the department store returned all rights to Bob May. Four years later, Rudolph had made him into a millionaire.
Now remarried with a growing family, May felt blessed by his good fortune. But there was more to come. His brother-in-law, a successful songwriter named Johnny Marks, set the uplifting story to music. The song was pitched to artists from Bing Crosby on down. They all passed. Finally, Marks approached Gene Autry. The cowboy star had scored a holiday hit with “Here Comes Santa Claus” a few years before. Like the others, Autry wasn’t impressed with the song about the misfit reindeer. Marks begged him to give it a second listen. Autry played it for his wife, Ina. She was so touched by the line “They wouldn’t let poor Rudolph play in any reindeer games” that she insisted her husband record the tune.
Within a few years, it had become the second best-selling Christmas song ever, right behind “White Christmas.” Since then, Rudolph has come to life in TV specials, cartoons, movies, toys, games, coloring books, greeting cards and even a Ringling Bros. circus act. The little red-nosed reindeer dreamed up by Bob May and immortalized in song by Johnny Marks has come to symbolize Christmas as much as Santa Claus, evergreen trees and presents. As the last line of the song says, “He’ll go down in history.” 

What a wonderful story.  Thanks Joe!

This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket.

That’s the price you pay for letting the relatives say over.

Another one to be added to my “I want one” list

I guess I made more of an impression than I thought.  I found another rendition of me pulling Santa’s sleigh.  I didn’t do it that often over the last couple of hundred years … maybe … I don’t know, a dozen times all together.  And only once did I do it twice in a row and only once in the last half century since it’s become a lot easier to be “spotted”.  But yet, here’s another picture of me.  I do kinda like this one.  Happier times.

This was awfully special, so I want to share it…

Joe,  thank you ever so much for your donation, it is deeply appreciated and for your kind words.  This has turned into a difficult time for me, emotionally, financially, and well, overall, thanks for helping out.  I know that God will make sure that everything will work out.

The Christmas Story as it might appear on the Fox News Network….

ILLEGAL ALIEN GIVES BIRTH IN BETHLEHEM– BABY EXPECTED TO BE
DEPORTED

BETHLEHEM: It was rumored that an unmarried illegal alien couple from Nazareth
stopped in a manger owned by a notorious local slumlord, and a baby was born.

“There was no running water, and the place was filled with straw,” commented local
public health authorities. “We even found a donkey inside.”

“The mother gave birth under extremely questionable circumstances,” offered Pontius
Pilate, Judean candidate for District Attorney. “She claims to have been a virgin.”

Unconfirmed reports indicate that Roman authorities are investigating the baby on
charges of sedition and treason as well as illegal entry. “There are a bunch of people
running around alleging that the baby is the son of God,” explained Pilate, “and that he
will have some radical ideas about religion in the future.”

The baby is also considered to be illegal under Judean law, as the parents did not have
appropriate papers. “We’ll probably deport the baby to Egypt,” said Roman authorities.

Three Kings from the Orient were caught on the outskirts of Bethlehem by the Roman
Border Patrol, carrying illegal contraband allegedly for gifts to the baby.

“We caught them red-handed with frankincense and myrrh,” explained an official with
the Border Patrol. “And they didn’t have guest visas.” The Kings were promptly arrested
and deported to Syria, and their gifts confiscated.

At virtually the same time as the baby was born, a bright star was sighted over
Bethlehem.

”This is an omen that things are about to radically change in the Empire due to Global
Warming,” commented Al Gore.

As opposed to? How do you know they aren’t just front legs?

Politically Correct Version of “Twas the Night Before Christmas”
Twas the night before a non-denominational or denominational celebratory day, when all through the
residential dwelling, either rented or owned, not a creature was stirring, not even an evolution-advanced, sentient, small furry species that must be respected.
The hosiery which may be worn by any person regardless of gender (or gender identity) was hung (in a
gentle manner using recyclable materials) by the chimney with care, in hopes that a follically gifted person of enhanced girth soon would be there.
The younger but equally valuable members of the family who may or may not be biologically related to the head of household were nestled (most respectfully and without the possibility of physical discipline) all snug in their beds,
while non-drug induced and age-appropriate visions of organic fruit danced in the most non-suggestive
manner in their heads.
And the female, male or transgendered head of household in his/her kerchief/cap/headwear of choice,
and I in my kerchief/cap/headwear of choice, had just settled down for a long winter’s nap.
When out on the lawn/sidewalk/street/space not enclosed by walls, to respect those who cannot afford
lawns or who may be homeless, which is a tragic condition that should not be judged– there arose such a noise of undeterminable origin, I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash, not produced by any incendiary device, threw open the shutters and threw up the sash.
* The moon on the portion of female anatomy that cannot be said on the radio or television due to FCC
restrictions of the new fallen snow, gave a luster of midday to objects below.
When what to my wondering eyes, or other means of sensing, should appear, or emerge, but a mode of
environmentally friendly transportation of compact stature that does not contribute to the world wide
concern of global warming, nor uses unreplenishable fossil fuels, and eight tiny hoofed animals that
should never be hunted for sport.
With a senior citizen driver of a vertically challenged disposition, so lively and quick, not meaning to imply that senior citizen drivers of a vertically challenged disposition are not normally lively and quick…I knew in a moment it must be the follically gifted person of enhanced girth previously mentioned above—but of no denominational significance.
More rapid than an avian species that is protected under federal law, his coursers they came, and he
whistled, because he was genetically predisposed to whistle, and shouted, but not in an aggressive
manner, and called them by name.
Now Dasher, now Dancer, now Prancer, and Vixen, on Comet on Cupid, on Donder and Blitzen! (The
folically gifted person of enhanced girth did not mean to call these hoofed animals that should never be
hunted for sport by any value-laden or gender specific name as all reindeer, regardless of gender, are
provided equal opportunity.)
To the top of the porch, to the top of the wall or other point on land that could be viewed by anyone either with or without a home…now dash away, dash away, dash away all! And then in a twinkling I heard on the roof, or any other point of a building within view of anyone either with or without a home, the prancing and pawing of each little hoof…
As I drew in my hand, or prosthesis, whichever applies, and was turning around…down the chimney the
follically gifted person of enhanced girth came with a bound. He was dressed in an outfit that was
comprised of a fur-like material made of hemp from his head to his foot, and his clothes were all tarnished with non-tobacco ashes, and soot.
A bundle of toys or educational items he had flung on his back and he looked like a entrepreneurial
retailer as he opened his pack. His eyes how they twinkled, his genetically inherited facial features how
merry, his cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry. His droll little mouth drawn up like a bow, and
the facial hair on his face was as lacking in pigment as the snow or other type of precipitation, depending on the climate.
(((The next lines are omitted because of references to smoking and tobacco products without regard to
the concern over second-hand smoke which would set a bad example for children.)))
(((Again, the next lines must be omitted because of value-laden and bigoted references to people of
enhanced abdominal girth.))) … a wink of his eye, not meaning to imply anything sexual or inappropriate and a twist of his head, soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, nor signed to the hearing impaired any indication he was trying to communicate, but went straight to his hourly or salaried union-contracted position recently negotiated and agreed upon by all parties, and filled the hosiery which may be worn by any person regardless of gender and washed in a gentle manner using only recyclable materials, then turned with a jerk (which may or may not be grounds for a workman’s comp claim).
And laying his finger aside of his nose, and giving a nod, up the chimney he rose. He sprang to his mode of environmentally friendly transportation of compact stature that does not contribute to the world wide concern of global warming, nor uses unreplenishable fossil fuels and to his team gave a whistle… And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, or sign to the hearing impaired as he drove, soberly, out of sight….
Happy non-denominational or denominational celebratory day to all…and to all a good night!

Even our tiniest of employees are excited about Christmas

Okay, so I was kinda stuck between putting that one in with the Christmas pictures or in with  the political pictures, but since I needed the Christmas ones more, that’s where it ended up.

But you know I love you guys just the same!  LOL!

That is one horrendous clock!

Watching the Colts play the Vikings.  First series and the Colts are doing extraordinarily well against a very good Vikings team.  The Colts are 4-8-1 and the Vikings are 10-3.  But the Colts are traditional favorites over the Vikings beating them like the last four times in a row.  Ouch!  And they had to settle for a field goal.  Too bad, they stuttered at the end of their drive, well, moving on…

Another Tombstone

In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:

On the 22nd of June,
Jonathan Fiddle
Went out of tune.

An old man was once on the subway, and he sat down next to a younger man. He noticed that the young man had a strange kind of shirt collar. Having never seen a priest before, he asked, “Excuse me sir, but why do you have your shirt collar on backwards?” 

The priest became a bit flustered but politely answered, “I wear this collar because I am a Father.” 

The older gent thought a second and responded, “Sir, I am also a father but I wear my collar front-ways. Why do you wear your collar so differently?” 

The priest thought for a minute and said, “Sir, I am the Father for many.” 

The older fellow quickly answered, “I too am the father of many. I have five sons, six daughters and too many grandchildren to count… But I wear my collar like everyone else does. Why do you wear it your way?” 

The priest who was beginning to get exasperated thought and then blurted out, “Sir, I am the Father for hundreds and hundreds of people.” 

Now the kindly old gentleman was stunned and sat silently for a long time. 

As he got up to leave the subway train, he leaned over to the priest and said, “Well, sonny, perhaps, it’s your pants you should wear backwards.” 

Well, thanks to a blocked punt and a couple of turnovers, the Colts are now winning against the division leading Vikings 17-0.  Now, you guys may be laughing your butts off because by the time you read this you already know the final score, but at this point in time, I don’t, so let me have my excitement while I can.

I have a drawer just like that.  I’m pretty sure we all do.

Okay, so now it’s 20-0

Signs on a Synogogue Bulletin Board

Under same management for over 5763 years.

Don’t give up. Moses was once a basket case.

Shul committees should be made up of three members, two of whom should be absent at every meeting.

Sign over the urinal in a bathroom at Hebrew University: “The future of the Jewish people is in your hands.”

At Half-Time it’s now 33-0, Colts. I’d say that it looks good for the Colts, but if anyone can snatch defeat out of the jaws of victory, it’s the Colts … so … we’ll see!

A wife shows her husband a silk handkerchief and asks him, “Doesn’t this belong to your secretary?”

“Where did you find that?” he stutters.

“I didn’t,” she answers. “The mailman found it on your night-stand.” 

Jane: I can’t understand why men are so afraid of commitment! 

Martha: Tell me about it! I lived with one guy for a year and a half, and I finally had to give him an ultimatum. 

Jane: What did you say? 

Martha: I just told him, “Look, either you tell me your last name, or get your shit out of my house !” 

When does a person decide to become an accountant?

When he realizes he doesn’t have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.

Colts 36, Vikings 28 with like 3 minutes left in the game.  This is the worst officiated game that I’ve ever seen in my life.  Every extra hard hit is unsportsmanlike penalty.  Plays are called dead in the middle of a fumble.  Facemask penalties that aren’t.  Absolutely horrible.  But the Colts are trying their best to give this game away.

That is truly crappy ad placement

This is a bit funny ad placement anyway.

If you think it’s a coincidence that Jeffrey Epstein’s lawyer became a federal judge and that very same judge, of thousands of judges, was the person to sign off on the Mar-a-Lago search warrant you haven’t been paying attention.

So 19-year-olds shouldn’t have to pay student debt because they can’t understand the student loans they sign.
But 4-year-olds can change gender whenever they feel like it.
Got it.

The lumber shortage.
The gas shortage.
And now the formula shortage.
Nothing is built.
Nothing is back.
Nothing is better.

You are being told to lower your AC usage on hot days to prevent overwhelming the existing electric grid while simultaneously being told to trade in your gas cars for electric vehicles.
Now think about that for just a second…does that make a lick of sense to any of you at all?

Canceling student debt is the most absurd thing I’ve ever heard.  Rewarding people who do not honor their financial commitments by taxing the people wo do is WRONG.  This is vote buying at its worst.

A 97 year old man goes into his doctor’s office and says, “Doc, I want my sex drive lowered.”

“Sir”, replied the doctor, “You’re 97. Don’t you think your sex drive is all in your head?”

“You’re damned right it is!” replied the old man. “That’s why I want it lowered!”

And the final score Colts 36, Vikings 39.  Largest comeback in football history.  I coulda called it at halftime.
Sigh.
Maybe my Packers will do better on Monday night.

A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor. 

While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should call the police. When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said, “This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important.” 

Two days went by and the construction workers couldn’t stand it any more, they had to know who they had found. They called the police and said, “We are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important.” 

The police said, “It’s not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important.” 

“Well, who was it?”

“The 1956 National Hide-and-Seek Champion.”

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. A surprising coincidence was that both were blind from birth. 

One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit. “Oh, my,” said the bunny, “I’m terribly sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I’ve been blind since birth, so, I can’t see where I’m going. In fact, since I’m also an orphan, I don’t even know what I am.” 

“It’s quite okay,” replied the snake. “Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could kinda slither over you, and figure out what you are, so at least you’ll have that going for you.” “Oh, that would be wonderful,” replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, “Well, you’re covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I’d say that you must be a bunny.” 

“Oh, thank you! Thank you,” cried the bunny in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, “Maybe I could feel you with my paw, and help you the same way you’ve helped me.” 

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, “Well, you’re scaly and very smooth, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I’d say you must be either a politician, an attorney,or possibly someone in upper management.”

So, I didn’t have much else to say through this issue I guess.  Just trying to get through the days.  You know they say, day by day.  These days I’m getting through hour by hour.  But, it’s going to be that way through the holidays I think.  All I can do right now is wish you all the best of love and happiness.

Good Morning Campers,

Today is the 17th of December … or it should be if you are reading this on the day that the issue is coming out.  That means that Christmas is one day and one week away.  Christmas eve is one week from today.  The night that Santa is making his nightly flight to visit all the good girls and boys.  It’s only the good ones who get visited, the naughty ones get passed by…which means that this dragon, like every other year, doesn’t stand a bloody chance of getting the jolly old elf to stop by at all!

All I can say is that it’s a good thing that him and I are good friends or I would be in serious trouble.  See, I am not allowed to get anything from him on Christmas, because I fall solidly on the Naughty List every year.  Most of us military types do.  Sadly it’s a penalty of the job.  

But Impish, you say.  You’re not in the military any longer.

I know, but even worse, I still work for them as a CIVILIAN.  That’s actually worse.

AND I’m a conservative.

And a religious conservative at that.  I’m on so many naughty lists, I’ll never get another Christmas present from Santa for as long as I live. 

But, that’s okay.  Cause, see I’m friends with the Jolly Old Elf.  And since my birthday is Christmas Eve, and he’s a friend, he’s allowed to give me birthday presents, irrespective of the Naughty List, he just stops by my place before he starts his rounds on Christmas Eve, we drink some nice Irish, smoke a couple of cigars, catch up on old times, he drops my “Birthday Presents” off and then starts his yearly run.

I’ve even been known to pull the sleigh for him a time or two.  That might even be an artist’s rendition of me in the header up top there.

So, it all works out.

And, I hope it all works out for you guys as well.  In the meantime …

A boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him.

“Hmmmm,” he ponders, “How am I gonna get more dough?” Then he gets an idea.

He calls his father. “Dad,” he says, “you won’t believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!”

“That’s absolutely amazing!” his father says. “How do I get him in that program?”

“Just send him down here with $1000,” the boy says, “I’ll get him into the course.”

So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.

“So how’s Fido doing, son?” his father asks.

“Awesome, dad, he’s talking up a storm,” he says, “but you just won’t believe this – they’ve had such good results with this program, that they’ve implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!”

“READ!?” says his father, “No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?”

“Just send $2,500, I’ll get him in the class.”

…And his father sends the money.

At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem. When he gets home, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he gets home, his father is all excited. “Where’s Fido? I just can’t wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!”

“Dad,” the boy says, “I have some grim news. This morning, when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, ‘So, is your daddy still messin’ around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?'”

The father says, “Oh, shit; I hope you SHOT that lyin’ son of a bitch!”

“I sure did, Dad!”

“That’s my boy!”

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS,

HE LIVED ALL ALONE,

IN A ONE BEDROOM HOUSE MADE OF PLASTER AND STONE.

I HAD COME DOWN THE CHIMNEY

WITH PRESENTS TO GIVE,

AND TO SEE JUST WHO

IN THIS HOME DID LIVE.

I LOOKED ALL ABOUT,

A STRANGE SIGHT I DID SEE,

NO TINSEL, NO PRESENTS,

NOT EVEN A TREE.

NO STOCKING BY MANTLE,

JUST BOOTS FILLED WITH SAND,

ON THE WALL HUNG PICTURES

OF FAR DISTANT LANDS.

WITH MEDALS AND BADGES,

AWARDS OF ALL KINDS,

A SOBER THOUGHT

CAME THROUGH MY MIND.

FOR THIS HOUSE WAS DIFFERENT,

IT WAS DARK AND DREARY,

I FOUND THE HOME OF A SOLDIER,

ONCE I COULD SEE CLEARLY.

THE SOLDIER LAY SLEEPING,

SILENT, ALONE,

CURLED UP ON THE FLOOR

IN THIS ONE BEDROOM HOME.

THE FACE WAS SO GENTLE,

THE ROOM IN SUCH DISORDER,

NOT HOW I PICTURED

A UNITED STATES SOLDIER.

WAS THIS THE HERO

OF WHOM I’D JUST READ?

CURLED UP ON A PONCHO,

THE FLOOR FOR A BED?

I REALIZED THE FAMILIES

THAT I SAW THIS NIGHT,

OWED THEIR LIVES TO THESE SOLDIERS

WHO WERE WILLING TO FIGHT.

SOON ROUND THE WORLD,

THE CHILDREN WOULD PLAY,

AND GROWNUPS WOULD CELEBRATE

A BRIGHT CHRISTMAS DAY.

THEY ALL ENJOYED FREEDOM

EACH MONTH OF THE YEAR,

BECAUSE OF THE SOLDIERS,

LIKE THE ONE LYING HERE.

I COULDN’T HELP WONDER

HOW MANY LAY ALONE,

ON A COLD CHRISTMAS EVE

IN A LAND FAR FROM HOME.

THE VERY THOUGHT

BROUGHT A TEAR TO MY EYE,

I DROPPED TO MY KNEES

AND STARTED TO CRY.

THE SOLDIER AWAKENED

AND I HEARD A ROUGH VOICE,

“SANTA DON’T CRY,

THIS LIFE IS MY CHOICE;

I FIGHT FOR FREEDOM,

I DON’T ASK FOR MORE,

MY LIFE IS MY GOD,

MY COUNTRY, MY CORPS.”

THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER

AND DRIFTED TO SLEEP,

I COULDN’T CONTROL IT,

I CONTINUED TO WEEP.

I KEPT WATCH FOR HOURS,

SO SILENT AND STILL

AND WE BOTH SHIVERED

FROM THE COLD NIGHT’S CHILL.

I DIDN’T WANT TO LEAVE

ON THAT COLD, DARK, NIGHT,

THIS GUARDIAN OF HONOR

SO WILLING TO FIGHT.

THEN THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER,

WITH A VOICE SOFT AND PURE,

WHISPERED, “CARRY ON SANTA,

IT’S CHRISTMAS DAY, ALL IS SECURE.”

ONE LOOK AT MY WATCH,

AND I KNEW HE WAS RIGHT.

“MERRY CHRISTMAS MY FRIEND,

AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT.”

This poem was written by a Marine. The

following is his request. I think it is reasonable…..

PLEASE. Would you do me the kind favor of sending this to as many

people as you can? Christmas will be coming soon and some credit is

due to our U.S. service men and women for our being able to celebrate

these festivities. Let’s try in this small way to pay a tiny bit of

what we owe. Make people stop and think of our heroes, living and

dead! , who sacrificed themselves for us. Please, do your small part

to plant this small seed.

May God Bless You and Have A Great Day

Whenever a man’s friends begin to compliment him about looking young, he may be sure that they think he is growing old. 

-Washington Irving (1783 – 1933)

“Damn Dragon, bring back my wreath!”

The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot’s wife looked back and suddenly turned into a pillar of salt.

“My mother looked back once while she was driving,” contributed little Johnny, “and she turned into a telephone pole.”

On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:

Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there’s only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God.

My son had just turned 15 when I finally decided to talk to him about sex. 

To ensure private time, I brought him on a ski trip and began our talk on the chair lift so he couldn’t escape. “Do you know about girls and babies?” I asked. He nodded but cut me off. 

The next ride up the ski lift, I brought it up again, only to have him look away in silence. 

On the third lift, already knowing I had waited too long, I bluntly asked, “Son, would you like to talk about sex?” 

“Damn, Dad,” he responded, “is that all you ever think about?” 

That may have been able to work back then … but it sure as heck can’t work now.

A man had run to the store with his daughters, Sarah (four) and Hannah (two) and on the way home he drove through a neighborhood looking for houses for sale. After a bit Sarah asked, “Daddy, what are we doing?”

The man said he was looking at the houses that were for sale.

Sarah asked “Are you gonna buy a new house?”

He replied “Maybe.”

Then Sarah said with much concern, “But Dad, how will we get it HOME?!”

A Short History Of Medicine:

“Doctor, I have an ear ache.”

– 2000 B.C. – “Here, eat this root.”

– 1000 B.C. – “That root is heathen, say this prayer.”

– 1850 A.D. – “That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.”

– 1940 A.D. – “That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.”

– 1985 A.D. – “That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.”

– 2004 A.D. – “That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!”

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a professional. Scroll down for each answer.

The questions are NOT that difficult. But don’t scroll down UNTIL you have answered the question!

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door.

This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?

Wrong Answer.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.
This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend… except one. Which animal does not attend?

Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there.
This tests your memory.

Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?

Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across.
Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting.
This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.

Okay, be honest, how many of you don’t have the brains of a four-year-old?

That includes an awful lot of us, I’ve found out.  Hang in there brothers and sisters, it will all be over soon and we can carry on getting on with our lives like we’ve been doing.

WAAAYYYY too many morons out there feel exactly that way.

That is a pretty amazing heart.

An Englishman shot himself in the groin recently after drinking 15 pints of beer, and stuffing a sawed-off shotgun down his pants.

Apparently, the man was under the impression the gun wasn’t fully cocked, and now he isn’t either.

The little girl went to church for the first time. As she was leaving with her parents, the minister asked how she had liked church. 

“I liked the music,” she replied, “but the commercial was too long.”

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the garage,

There were no chevys no fords, only Dodge!!

The presents were wrapped and the lights were all lit,

So I figured I’d mess with the Challenger for a bit.

I popped the release and I lifted the hood,

When a deep voice behind me said “Looks pretty good!”

Well, as you can imagine, I turned mighty quick,

And there, by the workbench, stood good ol’ Saint Nick!

We stood there a bit, not too sure what to say,

Then he said “don’t suppose that you’d trade for my sleigh?

I said “no way, Santa” and started to grin,

“But if you’ve got the time we could go for a spin!”

His round little mouth, all tied up like a bow,

Turned into a smile and he said “Hell Ya, let’s go!!”

So as not to disturb all the neighbors’ retreat,

We pushed the Challenger quietly into the street.

Then, taking our places to drift down the hill,

I turned on the key and I let the clutch spill.

The sound that erupted took him by surprise,

But he liked it a lot, by the look in his eyes.

With hoosiers a’ crying and headers aglow,

We headed on out where the muscle cars go.

And Santa’s grin widened, approaching his ears,

With every shift up as I went through the gears.

Then he yelled “can’t recall when I’ve felt so alive!”

So I backed off the gas and said “You wanna drive?”

Ol’ Santa was stunned when I gave him the keys,

When he walked past the headlights he shook at the knees!

Then the HEMI exploded with pure exhaust sound!

Santa let out the clutch and the tires shook the ground!

Power shift into second, again into third!

I sat there just watching at loss for a word.

Then I heard him exclaim as we blasted from sight,

“Merry Christmas to all, it’s a hell of a night!!!”

At a dinner party, Holly and Joe were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy.

“No woman,” said Joe, scornfully, “can keep a secret.”

“I don’t know about that,” answered Holly. “I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one.”

“You’ll let it out some day,” Joe insisted.

“I hardly think so!” responded Holly. “When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever.”

What the … !? Okay, the first one was evil, the second one was … I don’t know what it is.

I want one!!

Why am I not surprised?

Muslims want Biden.
China wants Biden.
Iran wants Biden.
Abortionists want Biden.
Felons want Biden.
Illegals want Biden.
Get it?

There was a faster response to Martha’s Vineyard than there was to Benghazi.

Let that sink in!

Once I see the T-Rex’s it’s so hard to unsee them

The teacher asked the students to bring one electrical appliance for “Show & Tell,” and the next day every kid had something.

The teacher asks Wendy: What did you bring?

“I brought a Walkman.”

“And what is it for?”

“You can listen to music with it!”

“That’s nice Wendy. What did you bring Kenny?”

“I brought a ‘lectrical can opener, it opens cans!”

“Well done, Kenny. Umm, Johnny, I see you didn’t bring anything!”

“Yes, I did. It’s in the hall.”

So the entire class goes into the hallway.

“Umm, Johnny, what is that?”

“It’s a heart / lung machine hospitals use to keep your heart going.”

“Whoa. What did your father say about you bringing this?”

“He said, ‘AAAARRRGGGH!!!'”

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home, so he prayed:

Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine. Amen.

God, in His infinite wisdom, granted the man’s wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, pay the bills and balance the check book.

He cleaned the cat’s litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1:00 p.m. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids. Set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 p.m. . he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the chicken and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.

At 9:00 p.m. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren’t finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, “Lord, I don’t know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife’s being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back.”

The Lord, in His infinite wisdom, replied, “My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.

You’ll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night.”

Signs Found In Kitchens

I clean house every other day. Today is the other day!

So this isn’t Home Sweet Home… Adjust!

Ring bell for Maid Service. If no answer, do it yourself!

If you write in the dust, please don’t date it!

I would cook dinner but I can’t find the can opener!

My house was clean last week. Too bad you missed it!

A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life.

I came. I saw. I decided to order take out.

If you don’t like my standards of cooking…lower your standards.

Apology. Although you’ll find our house a mess, come in, sit down, converse. It doesn’t always look like this. Some days it’s even worse.

A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.

If we are what we eat, then I’m easy, fast, and cheap.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Help keep the kitchen clean. Eat out.

My next house will have no kitchen – just vending machines.

And that’s it for this issue.

I just did a count on my remaining Christmas cartoons and it looks like I’m actually going to run out before we reach the holiday.  To keep things going the way I’ve been doing it, I’m going to need approximately another 120 memes or cartoons to get me to Christmas.  So, all you folks out there who have some good ones hanging around, send them to me now, put Christmas in the subject line of your email so I can pick them out of the other stuff easily because I’m still behind over 1000 emails on the old email server.  I am keeping up on the new one (impishdragon@dragonlaffs.com) because I am forcing myself to everyday, but that is actually holding me back from using the stuff that’s coming in on the old addresses, lol.  

I need to hire a secretary.  Wouldn’t that be something.  If I could only figure out a way to make enough money from this to do that.  Now there’s an aspiration worth living up to.

Put Christmas in the subject line and no matter where you send it I’ll be able to find it.  And until we meet again next, Love and Happiness to you each and every one!