Dragon Laffs #2118


Well, we are past Christmas…barely, but now we’re getting to the difficult part.

But, we’re not going to discuss that right now.  We’re going to stay with the good stuff, the happy stuff.  Today’s issue is going to be a normal, regular, everyday Dragon Laffs episode made of high quality, American Made material.  I will give you the standard, American Made warnings:

Or I will give you just one standardized Midwestern type warning, that we can all relate too, since us Indiana type dragons are like that…

So, that’s what we’re going to do.  A regular, ordinary, all American (excuses to all of you who are from some place other than America) issue.  And THIS Dragon is going to do everything he possibly can to be happy and cheerful and get through the next 14 days … two weeks … from the day you are reading this (or 16 days from the days I’m writing this) with God’s help and strength and your guys’ help and support it will ALL BE FINE.

Oh and just to compare it to the other day, we are up to 7°F and a wind chill of -14°F!  Man, it’s warming right up out here!  The real surprising part is that on Wednesday it’s supposed to be in the high 40’s to low 50’s!  That’s what they say about Indiana…if you don’t like the weather, wait a minute.

So, sit back, relax, enjoy a cup of

We’ll start with some late additions of our Christmas stuff…

Izzy Dragon sent that last one to me.  I have no idea what it goes with.  There’s probably a story behind it, but I have no idea what it might be.

A farmer’s horse dies and he heads into town to buy a replacement.

He heads to the local horse dealer to see what’s available. He looks at several fine horses but they are all way beyond what he can afford. He explains his predicament to the dealer who tells him,

“Come around back, I think I may have something for you”

He shows him a horse that while not as impressive as those out front, seems to be healthy and strong. And the price is less than half the others.

“Before I can sell you this horse,” explains the dealer, “There’s something I have to tell you”

“I knew there had to be a catch” said the farmer, “What is it?”

“Well, this horse likes to sit on banana peels.” said the dealer. “If he sees a banana peel anywhere, he’ll sit on it and you won’t be able to budge him for half an hour”

The farmer thinks this over for a while and decides that it’s pretty unlikely he’ll come across too many banana skins, so he agrees to buy the horse.

He saddles it up and heads for home. A few miles down the trail the farmer is feeling pretty good about the whole deal, the horse is sure footed and responds well to the reins. He figures he’s got a good bargain.

Suddenly, up ahead, he spies something yellow on the ground. As they get closer he realizes that it’s a banana peel. The trail is too narrow to go around the banana peel so he decides to cross to the trail on the other side of the river. He steers the horse into the river and they start to cross.

Halfway across the river the horse suddenly sits down and the farmer is thrown into the water cracking his head on a rock.

Nothing the farmer can do will get the horse on it’s feet again. Soaking wet, bleeding and shivering with cold, the farmer wades to the other bank.

Half an hour later the horse gets back on its feet and walks to shore. The farmer rides it back to the farm without incident.

The next time the farmer is in town, the dealer sees him and asks how he’s making out with his new horse.

“Terrible!” says the farmer. He points to the gash on his head and tells him the story of what happened in the river.

The dealer smacks his hand to his forehead and says…

“Oh! I forgot to tell you! He sits on fish too”

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what’s wrong. “Well,” replies Paul, “You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?”

“Yes,” replies Jeff with a laugh. “Well,” says Paul, straightening up, “I finally worked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed.”

“That’s great!” says Jeff, “When are you going out?” “I went to meet her this evening,” continues Paul, “but I was worried I’d get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped “it” to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn’t show”.

“Sensible” says Jeff. “So I get to her door,” says Paul, “and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, sexiest, dress you ever saw.”

“And what happened then?” “I kicked her in the face.”

There was a Jewish man who did circumcisions on small Jewish baby boys. He had been doing it for years and all the time collected the foreskins from all the babies. 

He had quite a lot, then one day walked past a shop that had the following sign in the window, 

“We Can Make Anything Out Of Anything – Just Bring The Material” 

So the Jewish man went in and asked them to make a purse from the foreskins he had collected. He was told to go back in a week’s time when it would be ready. 

A week later, he returned to the shop to collect the purse. He complemented the shopkeeper for doing such a fine job and asked how much he owed him. 

“$50” said the shopkeeper. 

“$50, for such a small purse, you must be joking! How come it’s so expensive?” 

The shopkeeper replied “Ah, you see this is no ordinary purse…if you rub it, it turns into a suitcase” 

And that’s on an EASY day.

“Me and Mrs. … Mrs. Jones. We got a thing … going on …”

I have no idea why I thought of that song when I saw that picture, but there you go.

So that one should have come a couple of days ago.

Karma at its VERY BEST.

Christmas morning – Izzy has made me cry several times this morning.  What a sweet and loving child.  She gave me two very special gifts.  The first one was a photo album filled with pictures of Mary, and Elizabeth and Mary, and Me and Elizabeth and Mary, and other people and Mary.  Pictures that I hadn’t seen before.  Pictures from her phone, from my computer, from my phone, from other people that she had gathered, had printed and put into a VERY SPECIAL album.  I cried.

Then I got a gift that was from Mary.  And it broke my heart … kind of.  I wondered how she was doing that?  I was hoping that I wasn’t going to be hurt by this.  I opened it up and it was a beautiful grey cardigan sweater.  I knew I had kind of mentioned something about that, but I didn’t get it until Izzy showed me this text message between her and her mom from LAST CHRSTMAS …

… that neither one of them had managed to get for me last year, so Izzy got it for me this year, but since it was Mom’s idea, she decided to give mom the credit and the present said Love, Mary.  

I cried like a baby.

What a great kid!

We’ll talk more after the next set of laughs…

It must be a democratic city.

Christmas Morning and we had some visitors…well, more like peeping-Toms.  Looking over at our window I saw this…

Four little peepers looking in at us while we were opening up our presents.  It was pretty neat.

“So tell me, Mrs. Smith,” asked the interviewer, “have you any other skills you think might be worth mentioning?”

“Actually, yes,” said the applicant modestly. “Last year I had two short stories published in national magazines, and I finished my novel.”

“Very impressive,” he commented, “but I was thinking of skills you could apply during office hours.”

Mrs. Smith explained brightly, “Oh, that was during office hours.”

“I really worry that I shall never meet you in heaven Little Johnny,” his Sunday-school teacher said.

“Oh, how come?” Little Johnny asked, “What have you done wrong?”

I pray that we all have the same confidence in our final destination as does Little Johnny above.

“So, I was hanging around the tubes the other day, minding my own business when these darn snakes showed up.”

A client brought a litter of golden retriever puppies to my veterinary clinic for inoculations and worming.

As the look-alike pups squirmed over and under one another in their box, I realized it would be difficult to tell the treated ones from the rest.

So, I turned on the tap, wet my fingers, and moistened each dog’s head when I had finished.

After the fourth puppy, I noticed my talkative client had grown silent.

As I sprinkled the last pup’s head, the woman leaned forward and whispered, “I didn’t know they had to be baptized, too.”

This is an old joke, but it’s a really good joke.  Thanks Joe for sending it along.

A man once spent days looking for his new hat. Finally, he decided that he’d go to church on Sunday and sit at the back.

During the service he would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door.

On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The sermon was about the 10 commandments.

He sat through the whole sermon and instead of sneaking out he waited until the sermon was over and went to talk to the minister.

“Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I changed my mind.”

The minister said, “Bless you my son. Was it when I started to preach ‘Thou shall not steal,’ that changed your heart?”

The man responded, “No, it was the one on adultery. When you started to preach on that, I remembered where I left my hat.”

No – Flippin’ – Way!!!!!  According to Google, when I asked, “How much is a Bugatti Veyron?”  The answer was: “A new Bugatti costs from $1.7 million for the cheapest model, a Bugatti Veyron, to upwards of $18.7 million for a Bugatti La Voiture Noire, the current most expensive model on the market.” and that was dated Nov 17, 2022.  So, I suppose $20K for an oil change is appropriate.  Ridiculous, but appropriate.

Top 10 things a man would do if he woke up in the morning with a Vagina:

10.  Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers. 

9.  Squat over a hand mirror for an hour and a half. 

8.  See if they could finally do a split. 

7.  Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch. 

6.  Get picked up in a bar in less that 10 minutes 

5.  Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

4.  Go to the gyno and ask to have the examination recorded on video.

3.  Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts, too. 

2.  Actually catch a buzz off 1 wine cooler. 

And the # 1 thing a man would do is: 

1.  Finally find that damn G-spot. 



Top 10 things a woman would do if she woke up in the morning with a penis:

10.  Get ahead faster in corporate America. 

9.  Get a blow job.

8.  Find out what is so fascinating about beating meat. 

7.  Pee standing up while talking to other men at the urinal. 

6.  Determine why you can’t hit the bowl consistently. 

5.  Find out what it’s like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

4.  Touch/Shift yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may be to others.

3.  Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.

2.  Understand the reason for the light refraction that occurs between man’s eyes and the ruler situated next to his member. 

And the # 1 thing a woman would do is: 

1.  Repeat # 9.

Chris gets a call from his buddy John one day, and John is on the phone crying. 

Chris asks, “John, what’s wrong? You sound really upset.” 

“Well,” replies John, “my wife’s been cheatin’ on me.” 

“With who?” asks Chris. 

“The neighbor,” replies John. 

“That damn dirty slut!” says Chris. 

“Yeah,” replies John, “you think I’m upset, you should’ve heard how upset the neighbors husband was.” 

Here’s another one from our Buddy Joe in Jersey.  

Thought you’d enjoy this!

It’s one you want your Children and Grandchildren to read.

They won’t believe this happened, but it DID.

Harry & Bess

(This seems unreal.)

Harry Truman was a different kind of President. He probably made as many, or more important decisions regarding our nation’s history as any of the other

42 [??] Presidents preceding him. However, a measure of his greatness may rest on what he did after he left the White House.

The only asset he had when he died was the house he lived in, which was in Independence Missouri . His wife had inherited the house from her mother and father and other than their years in the White House, they lived their entire lives there.

When he retired from office in 1952 his income was a U.S. Army pension reported to have been $13,507.72 a year. Congress, noting that he was paying for his stamps and personally licking them, granted him an ‘allowance’ and, later, a retroactive pension of $25,000 per year.

After President Eisenhower was inaugurated, Harry and Bess drove home to Missouri by themselves. There was no Secret Service following them.

When offered corporate positions at large salaries, he declined, stating, “You don’t want me.  You want the office of the President, and that doesn’t belong to me. 

It belongs to the American people and it’s not for sale.”

Even later, on May 6, 1971, when Congress was preparing to award him the Medal of Honor on his 87th birthday, he refused to accept it, writing, “I don’t consider that I have done anything which should be the reason for any award, Congressional or otherwise.”

As president he paid for all of his own travel expenses and food.

Modern politicians have found a new level of success in cashing in on the Presidency, resulting in untold wealth. Today, many in Congress also have found a way to become quite wealthy while enjoying the fruits of their offices.  Political offices are now for sale.

Good old Harry Truman was correct when he observed, “My choices in life were either to be a piano player in a whore house or a politician.  And to tell the truth, there’s hardly any difference.”

I say dig him up and clone him!

And another one from Joe…

Impish,

I first heard this in Catholic school. Probably 8th grade.
______________________
Two young nuns left the convent one early afternoon and stopped at a nearby liquor store.

They asked the clerk for a quart of Seagrams.

He told them it was highly irregular to sell to them.

They replied that it was for medicinal purposes.

“In that case it would be ok”.

Later that evening after closing the store and walking home, he was surprised to see both nuns sitting on a curb, quite smashed and with an empty bottle. “Sisters, I’m shocked to see you like this. You told me it was for medicinal purposes”.

One of the nuns was still able to talk (a little) replied: “It IS for medicinal purposes. Mother Superior is constipated and when she sees us she’s going to shit”!

Imagine, if you will, saying you don’t control gas prices for an entire year of price increases, and then, suddenly, taking credit for the price decline. At our campground we call that being a hypocritic, lying clown.

A man went to the doctor’s office to get a double dose of Viagra.

The doctor told him that he couldn’t allow him a double dose.

“Why not?” asked the man.

“Because it’s not safe,” replied the doctor.

“But I need it really bad,” said the man.

“Well, why do you need it so badly?” asked the doctor.

The man said, “My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can’t you see? I must have a double dose.”

The doctor finally relented saying, “Okay, I’ll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects.”

On Monday, the man dragged himself in; his arm in a sling.

The doctor asked, “What happened to you?”

The man said, “No one showed up.”

Torpenhow Hill, England

When the Saxons arrived and asked the Welsh the name of that hill, the Welsh said, “pen” which means “hill” in Welsh.  So the Saxons used their word for hill, “tor”, and called it Torpen (hill hill).

Then the Norse arrived and in the same process added their word for hill “Haugr”.  So now, it was Torpen Haugr (hill hill hill).

Later, the English called it Torpenhow Hill (hill hill hill hill)

Isn’t language awesome? 

Boy, that’s gator frustration for sure!  And the zebra is completely unaware … or the coolest damn customer EVER!!

Been there — Done that.
Then, Been There several more times, because apparently I never learn!

And speaking of passive-aggressive, that’s a great way to end this day after Christmas issue.  I hope you all had a GREAT holiday.  Thank you all for the wonderful emails and wishes you sent my way and the prayers and best wishes that you sent to Izzy and I.  They helped a lot.  Please continue to pray for us as we get through the next couple of weeks as we round up the anniversary of our wife and mother’s passing (as I know you will).  Keep yourselves safe and warm and filled with Love and Happiness.

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2 Responses to Dragon Laffs #2118

  1. Stephanie says:

    Izzy did an awesome job with gifting. What a sweet, thoughtful heart she has.
    Love you both.

  2. Leah D says:

    I have been waiting for today since the 23rd. . . no, not for this issue, waiting for my doctors to get back to work. Haven’t eaten or taken any blood thinners, just in case I have to have emergency surgery. Called this morning. Because Christmas fell on Sunday this year, they are taking Monday off so they can benefit from their holiday pay?

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