Dragon Laffs #2117


Good Christmas Eve Morning my dear friends and fellow campers!

I’m going to try and follow my normal script with this issue, but I’ve got a few special things to share with you so, well, we’ll see how things work out.  I’d like to first start out by saying that right now it’s Thursday as I’m starting this and we are right at the beginning of our snowpocolypse that the Midwest is being hit with.  We have dropped ten degrees an hour in temperature over the last two hours and it looks like this third hour is lining up to be exactly the same.  Here, I’ll show you what I mean so far …

The snowflakes got in the last two because of the flash.  It’s been snowing the whole time but because of the wind, it’s not really piling up much on the back porch area.  Maybe I ought to switch to the front of the house to take pictures.

Anyway, let’s get into the laughter and I’ll give you some more updates as the night goes on, because I have a feeling I’m going to be up for a while.  I’ve got the next eleven days off because they’ve already closed the base for tomorrow and I’ve taken next week off as vacation to spend time with Izzy, so I’m not worried about getting my beauty rest.  I want to kind of keep an eye on things.  I’ve got water running in the taps and the heat cranked up, so we’ll see how it goes in my old 122 year old house.  So now…

Okay, let’s start with this one from Pete.  It’s his story, a family story of his that he shared with us last year and as far as I’m concerned, is one of those that we can gather round the Dragon Laffs fireplace and retell each year.  It is a great true tale that is deserving of telling year after year at this time, a true Spirit of Christmas.

The cost of a gift.

It was a Christmas many, many years ago. A four year old little girl was filled with the expectations of all that is Christmas. Wide eyed with joy and excitement over the thought of Santa Claus coming down her chimney and leaving her a present, full of wonder of what it would be, a new baby doll, maybe a bicycle, maybe even a new doll house. She wondered and hoped as she fell asleep that Christmas Eve.

What that little girl did not know was that her family had fallen on very hard times. This was a time long before unemployment payments, food stamps and all of the other safety nets we have today, times were hard, very hard and there was very little money for even putting food on the table for this Mother and Father and their five children, let alone buying Christmas presents for them. But still, the little girl slept that night comforted in the believe of the magic of Christmas.

She awoke that Christmas morning to find one gift with her name on it, with newspaper as it’s wrapping. Inside she found a book, a used book, a book so used and worn that the cover was long gone. It was the only thing her Mother and Father could come up with to give her but, it was something. Now, I know what you’re thinking but, the little girl loved that book, she loved it so much that she carried it with her everywhere and asked anyone and everyone to read it to her. She had so many people read it to her that even though she could not read, she could read that little beat up, worn out little book because, she followed the words as it was read to her. She loved her book so much and that love of books and reading would follow her all the days of her life.

I know this story to be true, the year was 1922, the book was Little Black Sambo and the little girl….that was my Mother.

My Grandma and Grandpa Sutton’s inability to pay for a gift gave my mother the greatest gift she could have received that Christmas morning. They gave her a hunger for the knowledge, the stories, the adventures and thrills she found in books and love of reading that followed her for the next 95 years of her life.

The cost of that gift was simply the love Grandma and Grandpa had for a four year old little girl.
May you find the real gifts, the real love and the real magic of Christmas this year…..

Pete

Thank you for sharing with us Pete and please remember to share with us again next year.

And here’s the next one in our series…

We only lost 3 degrees that hour.  But the windchill is -8, so … it’s pretty cold out there!

A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn’t understand two things:

1 – Women

2 – Fractions

Little Johnny went up to his father and asked, “Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?”

Johnny’s father replied, “Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, ’cause I still have mine.”

And then this very special Christmas greeting from our own Aussie Pete:

Even the whelpling helps decorate the tree

And this one goes out special to each and every one of you campers:

That one really freaked me out at first.  Took me a little while to figure it out.

And that one is just too weird.

A couple months ago, I entered a contest and ended up winning a few acres of swampland below the flood plane in Mississippi.

Before I knew it, right after that I won a $250,000 house, so naturally I built it on my new land.

Last week, I won enough money in the lottery to quit my job and move down there for good.

And just last night, as sat on my new porch watching the rain and listening to the thunder, it all started to sink in.

Probably the greatest gif of all time.

Shortly after the birth of their second child, a husband offered to take his wife shopping for a new dress.

He endured more than two hours of listening to her complaints about which figure flaw each dress accentuated.

As she emerged from the dressing room, having tried on the last selection, she asked for her husband’s opinion.

By this time he had learned just the right things to say.

“It’s perfect!” he exclaimed. “It makes your waist look smaller, your legs look longer, and slenderizes your hips.”

Just then another lady in the dressing room spoke out. “If there is a dress here that will do that, I’ll buy them all!”

This is an old joke, but a really good joke.

At a small terminal in the Texas Panhandle, three strangers are awaiting  their shuttle flight. 

One is a Native American passing through from Oklahoma. 

Another, a local ranch hand on his way to Ft. Worth for a stock show. 

The third passenger is an Arab student, newly arrived from the Middle East. 

To pass the time, they strike up a conversation on recent events, and the discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. 

Soon the Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout Muslim. The conversation falls into an uneasy lull. 

The cowpoke leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table, tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face while the wind outside blows tumbleweeds and the old windsock flaps. 

Finally, the Native American clears his throat and softly, he speaks: “Once my people were many, now we are few.” 

The Muslim raises an eyebrow and leans forward, “Once my people were few,” he sneers, “and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?” 

The Texan shifts the toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says, “That’s ’cause we ain’t played Cowboys and Muslims yet.” 

“Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!”

That’s the latest one and probably the last one for tonight.  Although I’m nervous as hell to go to sleep I’m going to have to at some point in time.  We dropped another 3 degrees and the wind-chill is down to -8 degrees.  The temperature is supposed to continue to drop until it hits -7 at 7 am where it is supposed to stay in negative numbers through Friday and into single positive digits through Saturday.  I think I have a right to be nervous and anxious.  I’ve got the water running in the kitchen and upstairs in the bathroom.  I don’t care if I spend $200 on the water bill, it beats the hell out of the cost of burst pipes.  I guess we’ll see.

You know, there’s a wonderful time and a place…chips is neither of those.

I was going away for a few days and left my husband a list of chores. For fun, I put down as Item 5: Think about your wife a lot.

After I returned, my husband proudly reported that he had completed every job.

When I saw the list, however, each item except No. 5 had been crossed off.

“What’s this!” I exclaimed. “Didn’t you think about me while I was gone?”

My chagrin vanished when he replied cheerfully, “I started to, but just never finished.”

This guy is outside of our Aerial port shop.  I don’t know if he’s their mascot or what, but I thought he was cool and took his picture.

A little boy was teaching a little girl arithmetic, he said it was his mission. 

He kissed her once; he kissed her twice and said, “Now that’s addition.” 

In silent satisfaction, she sweetly gave the kisses back and said, “Now that’s subtraction.” 

Then he kissed her, she kissed him, without an explanation. 

And both together smiled and said, “That’s multiplication.” 

Then her Dad appeared upon the scene and made a quick decision. 

He kicked that boy three blocks away and said, “That’s long division!” 

 

Sam and Morris met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

 

One day Morris didn’t show up. Sam didn’t think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.

But after Morris hadn’t shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn’t know where Morris lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Morris.

But one day, Sam approached the park and — lo and behold — there sat Morris!  Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. 

Then he said, ‘For crying out loud Morris, what in the world happened to you?

Morris replied, ‘I’ve been in jail!’

‘Jail!’ cried Sam. What in the world for?’

‘Well,’ Morris said, ‘you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?’

‘Yeah,’ said Sam, ‘I remember her. What about her?

‘Well, she knew I had money, and she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court I pleaded ‘Guilty’…’. The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.’

I looked it up, you can buy it on Amazon.

Well, it’s now Friday afternoon.  We made it through the night.  God protected our house.  Currently it is -4 degrees and feels like -31°F.  According to the news this morning, we made it down to -40°F wind chill overnight last night.  At 0730 hrs. this morning, I took the dogs out and we were out for LESS than a minute.  Then it was -36°.  I was thinking, when I was working restaurants, I had a walk-in freezer that I could have gotten in to warm up from being outside!  Both my little doggies peed really quick and ran back to the back porch and looked at me like, “Come’on Dad!  What’s takin’ you so long!!”  Anyway, let’s get back to our Christmas issue!

I have A LOT of questions…
You guys know where Fort Wayne, Indiana is, right?
The ocean is definitely NOT right there. 

Oh!  You work in MY office?

Okay, so here is an email from Joe that, in the Christmas Spirit, I’d like to share with the rest of you guys. And I’ll probably add a few more notes, comments or such as well…you know…while we’re here.

Impish,

When I sent my first item to possibly be used, I had no idea if I was on the right track. I feel honored to see a number of mine printed.

A week ago I had a rather deep skin cancer removed from my left ear lobe. Saw the plastic surgeon yesterday and he had the pathology results back. TOTALLY clear!

I have another one on the side of my nose. I’m using a anti cancer cream each night, 5 nights a week, for 6 weeks. I’ve lost count of how many skin cancers I’ve had. Add the two melanomas and I’ve had a lot of unpleasant procedures.

Every time I feel down, one of your issues arrives. Pure magic! I’m sure you are helping MANY others besides me.

Hope you can salvage something that resembles Christmas for Izzy and yourself.

Warm regards,

          …Joe in NJ

                    USN & USAF Vet.

Joe,

Your words have touched me very deeply.  To think that Dragon Laffs have been the pick up that you needed when you were feeling that far down swells my heart (The Grinch ain’t got nuthin’ on me!).  Thank you my friend for sharing that with me and I’m very glad that your cancers are doing so well!

And thank you for allowing me to share this with the other campers who, I’m sure, will also offer up prayers on your behalf.   ~ Impish

This next one is from Bob who offers up a rebuttal to our one comment on The 12 days of Christmas and the hidden meaning behind it…

Bob

a day ago

Thanks Bob for keeping track of things like that for us!  Nice job, brother.

And then we’ve got this one that I just thought was so nicely worded I had to include it here…

David Dixon

6 days ago

Dragon Laffs #2114

The most disappointing thing is sitting here on Saturday morning drinking coffee and scrolling down only to see your closing message.

Sorry David, but I know what you mean…to all good things and end must eventually come.  Someday maybe I’ll retire and maybe I can do this on a more regular basis.

And let’s throw this in, that Friggin’ Pete sent us.  It’s one of my favorite soliloquies …

Virginia, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the scepticism of a sceptical age. They do not believe except they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. All minds, Virginia, whether they be men’s or children’s are little. In this great universe of ours man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect, as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.

Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy. Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no Santa Claus! It would be as dreary as if there were no Virginias. There would be no child-like faith then, no poetry, no romance to make tolerable this existence. We should have no enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The eternal light with which childhood fills the world would be extinguished. Not believe in Santa Claus! You might as well not believe in fairies! You might get your papa to hire men to watch in all the chimneys on Christmas eve to catch Santa Claus, but even if you did not see Santa Claus coming down, what would that prove? Nobody sees Santa Claus, but that is no sign that there is no Santa Claus. The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see. Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn? Of course not, but that’s no proof that they are not there. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world. You tear apart the baby’s rattle and see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever lived, could tear apart. Only faith, fancy, poetry, love, romance, can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty and glory beyond. Is it all real? Ah, Virginia, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding. No Santa Claus! Thank God! he lives, and he lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay, ten times ten thousand years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood.

Francis Pharcellus Church in “Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus”

A wife complains, “Our wall clock almost hit my mother on the head today. It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch.”

The husband mumbles, “That clock always was slow.”

TOMBSTONE SAYINGS

In a cemetery in England:

Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, you soon will be.
Prepare yourself and follow me.

To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I’ll not consent
Until I know which way you went

Sally (a blonde) was seen going into the woods with a small package and a large bird cage. She was gone several days but finally she returned. Her friend, Liz, never saw Sally looking’ so sad.

Liz, “Heard you went off in the woods for a couple of days. Glad you got back okay…but you look so sad. Why??”

Sally, “Cause I just can’t get a man.”

Liz, “Well, you sure won’t find one in the middle of the woods.”

Sally, “Don’t be so silly. I know that. But I went in the woods ’cause I needed something there that would get me a man. But I couldn’t find it.”

Liz, “I don’t understand what you’re talking about.”

Sally, “Well, I went there to catch a couple of owls. I took some dead mice and a bird cage.”

Liz, “So, how’s that gonna help you get a man?”

Sally, “Well, I heard the best way to get a man is to have a good pair of hooters.”

WOMEN’S ENGLISH: 
1. Yes = No 
2. No = Yes 
3. Maybe = No 
4. We need = I want 
5. I am sorry – You’ll be sorry 
6. We need to talk = you’re in trouble 
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not 
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later 
9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron! 
10. You’re certainly attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about? 

MEN’S ENGLISH: 

1. I am hungry = I am hungry 
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy 
3. I am tired = I am tired 
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage! 
5. I love you = Let’s have sex now 
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex? 
7. May I have this dance? = I’d like to have sex with you. 
8. Can I call you sometime? = I’d like to have sex with you. 
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d like to have sex with you.
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d like to have sex with you.
11. I don’t think those shoes go with that outfit – I’m gay 

A guy traveling through the prairies of the USA stopped at a small town and went to a bar. He stood at the end of the bar, ordered a drink, and lit up a cigar. 

As he sipped his drink, he stood there quietly blowing smoke rings. 

After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into the air, an angry American Indian stomped up to him and said, “One more remark like that and I’ll smash your face in!” 

And that my friends, is the end of the EXTRA SPECIAL Christmas Issue.  I hope you had as much fun going through it as I had putting it together.  I’d like to wish each and every one of you a truly magical and marvelous Christmas holiday.  May the magic of Santa mix with the Blessings of God and the birth of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ to bring you a wonderous and Joyous holiday.  I hope my little Christmas gift to you brought a smile to you face.  I’m not sure whether there will be an issue on Monday or not, we’ll just have to see, so until then…

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10 Responses to Dragon Laffs #2117

  1. Maggie Culligan says:

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY Impish Wishing YOU & all your family a safe and pleasent Holiday
    Maggie

  2. Wouter Basson, Centurion, Pretoria, Gauteng says:

    Good evening on a very warm Christmas Eve in Centurion. It is 21:38 and still 27C. Prediction for tomorrow is 33C (91F)
    A Merry Christmas to all.

  3. LEAH d says:

    So your last one wasn’t really your last one . . .

  4. John McDonald says:

    Thanks.

    Merry Christmas to you and yours.

    Enjoy your cold time off.

    Thursday morning we basically got the same storm. At 6 am, it was 37. At 7 am, it was 26. I didn’t pay much attention after that, but it was about 4 below by 7 pm and at least 5 below by Friday morning.

    We didn’t get a lot of snow, but, just like you, it blew all over.

    Thanks for the cowboys and Muslims. Been a while since I read it.

    Also agree about Merry Christmas.

    Heard a song/recitation by Bill Anderson (must be pretty new as he said something about politically correct or incorrect), the country singer who has to be in his 80s by now and he said basically he celebrate his religious holiday and someone else of another religion could also.

    He also mentioned free speech.

    I try not to offend, but I don’t worry to much about politically correct.

    Like the “bumper sticker” on the back of the tractor trailer. I used to drive one and I hated people that tailgated me. I never thought of putting something like that on the back (before air bags anyway) and the owner wouldn’t have let me.

    And that man was brave. Not too smart, but brave.

    I don’t like getting on Facebook for that reason. And they live among us and, probably reproduce.

    I don’t agree with you about Biden, but you are right about people coming across the border.

    Back about 2005, a computer guru friend of mine suggested a solution to the issue: Install cameras and machine guns on the border and let people pay for the right to remotely fire the machine guns like in a video game. I never figured out if he was serious or not.

    However, my theory is 3 chain link type fences. The middle is electrified. They have a setup that would work at the high security Missouri prison south of St. Louis. Only almost escapee was caught by guards after he got across the first fence and the electric fence because it was snowing and they head to turn the electricity off. There is a road between both outside fences and the electric fence. That won’t stop tunnels, but it will send many back.

    Also, we should tattoo illegals that are caught. On the forehead so it can easily be seen. Would that be the ‘number of the beast” referred to in Revelation?

    And the love of reading is probably the best gift you can give a child.

    Unfortunately, I got at least a triple dose and read when I should be doing something else.

    May God Bless You and Izzy.

    Merry Christmas.

  5. kris72663 says:

    the happiest of birthdays & merriest of Christmases to you Dragon. I know this year is hard but I hope you know you are loved by those near and far.

  6. jhjoseph says:

    Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all. Great issue. Looking forward to your humor for 2023.

  7. Dave says:

    Happy Birthday!

  8. Friggin Pete says:

    That’s my Daughter on Santa’s lap.

  9. Friggin Pete says:

    Thank you for your kind words about “The cost of a gift”. Of all the things that I have written and made, this is my favorite because, it means so much to me. I am so glad that others get something out of it as well.
    Actually, after reading it here, I am sitting here with tears in my eyes. If it moves others into thinking about it all IE: the real meaning behind Christmas, half as much as it STILL moves me….then I am a happy camper, indeed!

    MERRY CHRISTMAS, MY FRIENDS!

  10. Friggin Pete says:

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY, IMPISH!

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