Well, it’s Saturday and I FINALLY have a day off.  It doesn’t seem like much.  Back when I was running restaurants, and I would take over a new one, I would work open to close, seven days a week until it was running the way I wanted before I would take a day off.  I would write in the upper corner of the white board (there was always a white board) my “days of captivity”.  The highest I ever got was 187.  One hundred, eighty-seven days, open to close, without a day off.  That was a tough store.  But, I was a much younger man then. 

This has been two weeks. 

And not even two weeks, if you think about it.  It was 12 days. 

Twelve days without a day off. 

And I’m crying like a little baby. 

My how the mighty have fallen. 

Now I need to laff.  Just like all of us.  So…

God gives every bird his worm, but he does not throw it into the nest.

– P D James (Baroness James of Holland Park, OBE, FRSA, FRSL) (1920-2014)

Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?

A: So that when they’re on the subway train they can tell if they’re going to work or coming home.

TOMBSTONE

On Margaret Daniel’s grave at Hollywood Cemetery, Richmond, Virginia:

She always said her feet were killing her but nobody believed her.

Here I am, sneaking a peek over the ledge on the enemy below…
Oh crap!  They saw me! Run away!  Run AWAY!

Are there really guys out there who can’t find it?  I know there aren’t MEN out there who can’t.

A professor of clinical psychology at Victoria University in Wellington, New Zealand, included a lecture on crowd psychology in his annual course.

To illustrate mass hysteria, he regularly showed TV news footage of teenage crowds greeting the Beatles at the local airport in the 1960’s.

One year, when he ran the footage, he heard squeals and bursts of laughter from his students.

When the film ended he asked what had caused the hilarity.

Replied one student, “We recognized some of our mothers!”

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, “Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?”

I mentally polished my halo while I asked, “No, how are we alike?”

“You’re both old,” he replied.

An Irishman walks into a bar and says “Bartender, one round for everyone, on me!”

The bartender says, “Well, Murph, seems you’re in a really good mood tonight, hm?”

The Irishman says, “Oh, you can bet on it! I just got hired by the city to go around and remove all the money from parking meters. I start on Monday!”

The bartender congratulates the man and proceeds to pour the round.

Monday evening arrives. The Irishman comes back into the bar and says “Bartender, TWO rounds for everyone, on me!”

The bartender says, “Well now! If you’re so happy just over having this new job, I can just imagine how happy you’ll be when you get your paycheck!”

The Irishman looks at the bartender with a wondrous look on his face, pulls out a handful of quarters from his pocket, and says “You mean they’ll PAY me too?”

I just saw that damn blue dragon sneaking a peek at us from over that ledge!  Let’s get him!!!

The official drinking scale in England

0 Stone cold sober. Brain as sharp as an army bayonet.

1 Still sober. Pleasure senses activated. Feeling of well-being.

2 Lager warming up head. Crisps are ordered. Barmaid complimented on choice of blouse.

3 Crossword in newspaper is filled in. After a while blanks are filled with random letters and numbers.

4 Barmaid complimented on choice of bra. Partially visible when bending to get packets of crisps. Try to instigate conversation about bras. Order half a dozen packets of crisps one by one. 

5 Have brilliant discussion with bloke at bar. Devise fool-proof scheme for wining lottery, sort out English tennis problems. Agree people are same world over except for the bloody Tasmanians.

6 Feel like a Demi-God. Map out rest of life on beer-mat. Realize that everybody loves you. Ring up parents and tell them you love them. Ring girlfriend to tell her you love her and she still has an amazing arse.

7 Send drinks over to woman sitting at table with boyfriend. No reaction. Scribble out message of love on five beer mats and frisbee them to her across the room. Boyfriend asks you outside. You buy him a Slim Panatela.

8 Some slurring. Offer to buy drinks for everyone in room. Lots of people say yes. Go round the pub hugging them one by one. Fall over. Get up.

9 Head-ache kicks in. Pint tastes off. Send it back. Pint comes back tasting same. Say “thats much better”. Fight nausea by trying to play Pub Mastermind for ten minutes before seeing out of order sign.

10 Some doubling of vision. Stand on table shouting abuse at all four barmen. Talked down by barmen’s wives, who you offer to give a baby to. Fall over. Get up. Fall over. Impale head on corner of table. Fail to notice oozing head wound.

11 Speech no longer possible. Eventually manage to find door. Sit and take stock. Realize you are sitting in pub cellar, having taken a wrong turning. Vomit. Pass out.

12 Put in minicab by somebody. Give home address. Taken home. Can’t get key in door. Realize you’ve given address of Burnley Football Club. Generally pleased at way evening has gone. Pass out again.

I really, Really, REALLY want to know the why behind this story.

Little Johnny’s 2nd-grade teacher was quizzing them on the alphabet. 

“Johnny,” she says, “what comes after ‘O’?” 

Johnny says, “God, I’m coming!!” 

Mary, despite her good looks and charm, had still never dated any boys at the age of 19. 

Today she was asking her aunt Martha for advice with boys. 

“Aunt Martha,” she started, “I’ve just started French kissing Tommy and I need to know where the spit should go. I don’t want to dribble on my boyfriend.” 

“Swallow.” Her aunt advised. “This will make you even more popular later on.” 

Born 1925 – 1955
The best years to be born in the history of Earth & we got to experience it all. Thank God for all the times, the adventures, wars won, technology developed. Generations after future generations will never experience what we did. What a generation we turned out to be.
To Those of Us Born
1925 – 1955:

At the end of this email is a quote of the month by Jay Leno.
If you don’t read anything else, Please read what he said.
~~~~~~~~~
TO ALL THE
KIDS WHO SURVIVED THE
1930’s, 40’s and 50’s !!

First, we survived being born to mothers who may have smoked and/or drank – While they were pregnant.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn’t get tested for diabetes.

Then, after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs
Covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, locks on doors or cabinets,
and, when we rode our bikes, we had baseball caps, not helmets, on our heads.

As infants and children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, no booster seats, no seat belts, no air bags, bald tires and sometimes no brakes.

Riding in the back of a pick- up truck on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and no one actually died from this.
We ate cupcakes, white bread, real butter and bacon. We drank Kool-Aid made with real white sugar. And we weren’t overweight.
WHY?
Because we were always outside playing…that’s why!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day and, we were OKAY.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride them down the hill,  Only to find out that we forgot about brakes.
After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not Have Play Stations, Nintendo and X-boxes. There were No video games, No 150 channels on cable, No video movies Or DVDs, No surround-sound or CDs, No cell phones, No personal computers, No Internet and No chat rooms. WE HAD FRIENDS And we went Outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, Broke bones and Lost teeth, And there were No lawsuits From those accidents.

We would get Spankings with wooden spoons, switches, ping-pong paddles, or just a bare hand, And no one would call child services to report abuse. We ate worms, And mud pies Made from dirt, And The worms did Not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, 22 rifles for our 12th, rode horses, made up games with sticks and tennis balls, and although we were told it would happen – we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend’s house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them.
Little League had tryouts And not everyone made the team. Those who didn’t had to learn to deal with disappointment.

Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of …
They actually sided with the law!

These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers, and inventors ever.

The past 60 to 85 years have seen an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.


If you are one of those born between 1925 &1955, CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good.

While you are at it, forward this to your kids so they will know how brave and lucky their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn’t it ?
~~~~~~~
The quote of-the month by Jay Leno:

“With hurricanes, tornadoes, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of coronavirus and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?”
For those who prefer to think that God is not watching over us… go ahead and delete this.
For the rest of us.. please pass this on.

This one was sent in by Lynn…

Men, like nations, think they’re eternal.  What man in his 20s or 30s doesn’t believe, at least subconsciously, that he’ll live forever? In the springtime of youth, an endless summer beckons. As you pass 70, it’s harder to hide from reality…. as you lose friends and relatives.  

Nations also have seasons: Imagine a Roman of the 2nd century contemplating an empire that stretched from Britain to the Near East, thinking: This will endure forever…. Forever was about 500 years, give or take…. not bad, but gone!!  

France was pivotal in the 17th and 18th centuries; now the land of Charles Martel is on its way to becoming part of the Muslim ummah.  

In the 19th and early 20th centuries, the sun never set on the British empire; now Albion exists in perpetual twilight. Its 96-year-old sovereign is a fitting symbol for a nation in terminal decline.  

In the 1980s, Japan seemed poised to buy the world. Business schools taught Japanese management techniques. Today, its birth rate is so low and its population aging so rapidly that an industry has sprung up to remove the remains of elderly Japanese who die alone.  

I was born in 1945, almost at the midpoint of the 20th century – the American century. America’s prestige and influence were never greater. Thanks to the ‘Greatest Generation,’ we won a World War fought throughout most of Europe, Asia, and the Pacific. We reduced Germany to rubble and put the rising sun to bed It set the stage for almost half a century of unprecedented prosperity.  

We stopped the spread of communism in Europe and Asia and fought international terrorism. We rebuilt our enemies and lavished foreign aid on much of the world. We built skyscrapers and rockets to the moon. We conquered Polio and now COVID. We explored the mysteries of the Universe and the wonders of DNA…the blueprint of life.  

But where is the glory that once was Rome? America has moved from a relatively free economy to socialism – which has worked so well NOWHERE in the world.  

We’ve gone from a republican government guided by a constitution to a regime of revolving elites. We have less freedom with each passing year. Like a signpost to the coming reign of terror, the cancel culture is everywhere. We’ve traded the American Revolution for the Cultural Revolution.  

The pathetic creature in the White House is an empty vessel filled by his handlers. At the G-7 Summit, ‘Dr. Jill’ had to lead him like a child. In 1961, when we were young and vigorous, our leader was too. Now a feeble nation is technically led by the oldest man to ever serve in the presidency.  

We can’t defend our borders, our history (including monuments to past greatness) or our streets. Our cities have become anarchist playgrounds. We are a nation of dependents, mendicants, and misplaced charity. Homeless veterans camp in the streets while illegal aliens are put up in hotels.  

The president of the United States can’t even quote the beginning of the Declaration of Independence (‘You know – The Thing’) correctly. Ivy League graduates routinely fail history tests that 5th graders could pass a generation ago. Crime rates soar and we blame the 2nd. Amendment and slash police budgets.  

Our culture is certifiably insane. Men who think they’re women. People who fight racism by seeking to convince members of one race that they’re inherently evil, and others that they are perpetual victims. A psychiatrist lecturing at Yale said she fantasizes about ‘unloading a revolver into the head of any white person.’  

We slaughter the unborn in the name of freedom, while our birth rate dips lower year by year. Our national debt is so high that we can no longer even pretend that we will repay it one day. It’s a $30-trillion monument to our improvidence and refusal to confront reality. Our ‘entertainment’ is sadistic, nihilistic, and as enduring as a candy bar wrapper thrown in the trash. Our music is noise that spans the spectrum from annoying to repulsive.  

Patriotism is called an insurrection, treason celebrated, and perversion sanctified. A man in blue gets less respect than a man in a dress. We’re asking soldiers to fight for a nation our leaders no longer believe in.  

How meekly most of us submitted to Fauci-ism (the regime of face masks, lockdowns, and hand sanitizers) shows the impending death of the American spirit.  

How do nations slip from greatness to obscurity?  

* Fighting endless wars they can’t or won’t win  

* Accumulating massive debt far beyond their ability to repay  

* Refusing to guard their borders, allowing the nation to be inundated by an alien horde  

* Surrendering control of their cities to mob rule  

* Allowing indoctrination of the young  

* Moving from a republican form of government to an oligarchy  

* Losing national identity  

* Indulging indolence  

* Abandoning God, faith and family – the bulwarks of any stable society.  

In America, every one of these symptoms is pronounced, indicating an advanced stage of the disease.  

Even if the cause seems hopeless, do we not have an obligation to those who sacrificed so much to give us what we had? I’m surrounded by ghosts urging me on: the Union soldiers who held Cemetery Ridge at Gettysburg, the battered bastards of Bastogne, those who served in the cold hell of Korea, the guys who went to the jungles of Southeast Asia and came home to be reviled or neglected.  

This is the nation that took in my immigrant grandparents, whose uniform my father and most of my uncles wore in the Second World War. I don’t want to imagine a world without America, even though it becomes increasingly likely.  

During Britain’s darkest hour, when its professional army was trapped at Dunkirk and a German invasion seemed imminent, Churchill reminded his countrymen, ‘Nations that go down fighting rise again, and those that surrender tamely are finished.’  

The same might be said of causes. If we let America slip through our fingers, if we lose without a fight, what will posterity say of us?  

While the prognosis is far from good. Only God knows if America’s day in the sun is over.”  

Read it and weep, forward or erase it! I read it and am now forwarding it to you, believing that we in America are at the moment in time to stand up, or let it fall! We now may soon beat the next step in our country’s future. I believe that it might be closer than we think.

This almost made me cry with its truth and honesty.  It’s coming down to that folks.  We need to stand up and we need to kneel down and pray.

A blonde walked into up to an airport ticket counter and asked to buy a round trip ticket. 

“Where to?” Asked the smiling ticket agent. The blonde rolled his eyes and said, “Duh, back here!” 

Stephanie sent the above picture and the following description: 

Looked it up and bees do this while they are looking for a new hive. Its to protect each other and the queen.

Check out the date.  That’s the price for replacing the battery!  The flipping battery!!!!

Here’s another oldie from Joe from NJ.  I’ve heard this story before in a couple of different forms, so it must be true in some form.  And it’s a GREAT story.

After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd.

He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding.

He especially wanted to thank the bride’s and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.

As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him.

So taped to the bottom of everyone’s chair, including the wedding party, was a manila envelope.

He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope.

Inside each manila envelope was an 8×10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man.

The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them.

After just standing there, just watching the guests’ reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, “F— you!”.

Then he turned to his bride and said, “F— you!”

Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, “I’m outta here.”

He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.

While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong. His revenge…making the bride’s parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride’s and best man’s reputations in front of 300 friends and family members. This guy has balls the size of church bells.

Do you think we might get a MasterCard “priceless” commercial out of this?

Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends……..$32,000.

Wedding photographs commemorating the occasion…………………..$3,000.

Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui……………….$8,500.

The look on everyone’s face……. priceless.

At my granddaughter’s wedding, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest.

It turned out to be my husband and I.

The DJ asked us, “What advice would you give to the newly-married couple?”

I said, “The three most important words in a marriage are, ‘You’re probably right.'”

Everyone then looked at my husband. He said, “She’s probably right.”

Tired of the inconvenience of the drive from airport to country cottage, a man equipped his small plane with pontoons so he could land on the lake directly in front of his cottage.

On his next trip, he made his approach down the airport runway as usual.

Alarmed, his wife cried out, “Are you crazy? You can’t land this plane here without wheels!”

The startled husband abruptly yanked the nose up, narrowly averting certain disaster. Continuing, he landed the plane on the lake without mishap.

As he sat there, visibly shaken he said to his wife, “I don’t know what got into me. That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever done in my life!”

And with that, he opened the door and stepped out, falling into the water.

And that’s it for today my friends.  I hope you had as much fun reading as I did writing.  May God Bless you with Love and Happiness.

Okay, so I’ve worked all weekend, and now I’ve worked all week.  I usually try to get a day or so off after working the weekend, but this week I can’t do it.  Too much to do and I’m the only one left in the office.  My assistant deputy is deployed and my deputy is TDY to Japan by way of Wake Island!  And I am so jealous!!  I wanted to go with him so badly!  What a GREAT TDY that is going to be.

Not to mention it’s the one part of the world I’ve never been to.  The Pacific.  I’ve been all over Europe, but never made it to the far east. 

So, it’s just me, at work, being jealous.

So, let’s go ahead and get started with the laughter, otherwise we’re just gonna sit here and be upset because WE’RE NOT GOING TO JAPAN!!!

Oh come on!  That one is so easy!  Don’t we all know what that one is?

Weeee Whoooooo!!!!!!!!

Q: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that’s it… Don’t waste time on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it’s like saying you extend life of a car by driving faster. Want to live longer? – Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Fruit very good. Brandy distilled wine, that means they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Grain good too. – Bottoms up!

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can’t think of one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain…very good!

Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How can getting more vegetable be bad?

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around.

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! ‘Round’ is also a shape!

Well… I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

Finally, the Japanese Doctor summed up: Look mister, Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways – Beer in one hand – chocolate in the other – body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO-HOO, what a ride my life was”!!!!!
Eat whatever you like because you will still DIE, don’t allow motivational speakers deceive you.

1. The inventor of the treadmill died at the age of 54.

2. The inventor of gymnastics died at the age of 57.

3. The world bodybuilding champion died at the age of 41.

4. The best footballer in the world Maradona died at the age of 60.

BUT

5. The KFC inventor died at 94.

6. Inventor of Nutella brand died at the age of 88.

7. Imagine, cigarette maker Winston died at the age of 102.

8. The inventor of opium died at the age of 116 in an earthquake.

9. Hennessey Cognac inventor died at 98.

How did these doctors come to the conclusion that exercise prolongs life?

The rabbit is always jumping up and down but it lives for only 2 years and the turtle that doesn’t exercise at all, lives 400 years.

So, take some rest, Chill, stay cool, eat, drink and enjoy your life.

Okay, I’m sure you ALL have heard of the Chinese spy balloon that has flown over the country and the absolute mess that the government has made of that, right?  So, let’s throw a couple of balloon memes out there while we can still laugh about it and before we complain about how completely asinine it was that we didn’t shoot it down when we should have and instead we let it transmit all of it’s information back to China about all of our military bases. 
Biden is a Chinese Spy.
But here are some memes to make us laugh about it.

Little Johnny and his friend were always boasting of their parents’ achievements to each other.

Friend: ‘Have you ever heard of the Suez Canal?’

Little Johnny: ‘Yes, I have’

Friend: ‘Well, my father dug it.’

Little Johnny: ‘That’s nothing, have you ever heard of the Dead Sea?’

Friend: ‘Yes, I have.’

Little Johnny: ‘Well, my father killed it.

I hate when Doctors asks questions like, “Are you sexually active?”  Depends on what you mean by “active”.  There are plenty of “active” volcanoes that haven’t gone off in over 50 years.

And some of our guardians use lightning

Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?

Apparently there are two types of flu.
The harmless one that women and children get, and the “near death” version that men get.

Catherine, pregnant with her first child, paid a visit to her obstetrician’s office. 

After the exam, she shyly began, “My husband wants me to ask you…” 

“I know, I know,” the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. “I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy.” 

“No, that’s not it,” Catherine confessed. “He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn.” “

WHERE          ARE          THE          GIRL          SCOUT          COOKIES?!?!

Catherine, a RN, was unhappy with her job, so she submitted her resignation.

She was sure she’d have no trouble finding a new position, because of the nursing shortage in her area.

She e-mailed cover letters to dozens of potential employers and attached her resume to each one.

Two weeks later, Catherine was dismayed and bewildered that she had not received even one request for an interview. Finally she received a message from a prospective employer that explained the reason she hadn’t heard from anyone else.

It read: “Your resume was not attached as stated. I do, however, want to thank you for the vegetable lasagna recipe.”

Little Johnny, a fifth grade student has a penis so large, his parents warned him not to have anything to do with girls. 

They cautioned him he could easily kill someone. 

Through the grapevine, his teacher learns about his unusual size, keeps him after school and suggests they have sex. 

He refuses expressing concern he might kill her. 

She laughs and scoffs at the idea and says she will elect to be on top, in complete control, and nothing bad can happen. 

He reluctantly agrees but the teacher experiences such wonderful sensations, she faints from pure joy. 

Thinking he’s killed her, Johnny runs from the class room sobbing and crying, “Oh my God!… I killed her! I killed her!” 

All at once he stops dead in his tracks, and look of dawning comprehension appears on his face as he says, “Wait just a minute! I didn’t kill her. She committed suicide!” 

According to ‘Men’s Health’ magazine, the average man has had sex in a car 15 times?

That’s something to keep in mind next time you’re looking for a used car.

Little Johnny burst through the front door with a smile on his face.

Surprised that Johnny was home so early, his mother asked, “Why are you home from school so early?”

Johnny answered, “I was the only one who could answer a question.”

“Oh, really? What was the question?” his mother asked.

“Who threw the eraser at the teacher?”

Mary Poppins decides to grow some vegetables one year.

When she picks her crop in late summer, her carrots, potatoes, onions and spring beans have all failed, but her cauliflower has done extremely well.

She picks them and cooks some for Sunday lunch in a cheese sauce and they taste wonderful.

After eating cauliflower for a week she notices two things. Firstly, her lips are full and glossy, unchapped, uncracked and require absolutely no lip gloss to make them look full and pouty.

Secondly, she has really awful bad breath! Even her cat, Simon, won’t come near her. Sssssst!!!

Pleased with her lips however, and spotting a money making idea when she sees one, she contacts Revlon, the cosmetics company, and explains about the lip-enhancing qualities of her cauliflower crop.

The company sends out a crew to bring back some of her cauliflower. After a month of testing, they decide to buy Mary’s entire crop of cauliflower for a phenomenal amount, and they request that Mary grow some more as soon as possible!

The company proceeds to make lipstick out of them but they experience problems in the the final product manufacture. Seems the lipstick was not gelling correctly into a solid stick and thus, ended up crumbling upon application to the lips.

Quality controllers also found that, even as a lipstick, the bad breath remained and they have no choice but to put it down as an “unfortunate” side effect.

As they are nearing their production deadline and advertising for this new wonder lip-enhancer has hit the streets, the cosmetics company has no choice but to produce the packaging with the following caution:

Poppins’ Pop-up Lip enhancer:

Super Cauli, Fragile Lipstick – Expect Halitosis

You knew that was coming, right?

“Say, Jim,” Steve said to his pal, “how do you like your new job?”

“It’s the worst job I ever had.”

“How long have you been there?”

“About three months.”

“Why don’t you quit?”

“No way. This is the first time in 20 years that I’ve looked forward to going home.”

And you thought Aunt Jemima syrup was insulting?!

Fwd:  US Government Notice

To help save the economy, the Government will announce next month that the Immigration Department will start deporting seniors (instead of illegals) in order to lower Social Security and Medicare costs.
Older people are easier to catch and will not remember how to get back home.  Be sure to send this notice to your relatives and friends so they’ll know what happened to you.  I started to cry when I thought of you.  Then it dawned on me…I’ll see you on the bus.

A NATION THAT CANNOT ENSURE AN AMPLE SUPPLY OF BABY FORMULA HAS NO BUSINESS GIVING $40 BILLION TO UKRAINE!!!!!

For the first time in history, you can post:
“He’s an idiot”
“What a moron”
“He’s such a jerk”
“Can you believe this ____ (clown, crap, stuff, etc.)”
“Un-friggin’-believable”
and 98% of the world will know exactly who you’re talking about.

Sarah had wanted new kitchen cabinets for a long time, but her husband insisted they were an extravagance.

She went to visit her mother for two weeks, and when she returned, she was overjoyed to find that beautiful new cabinets had been installed in her kitchen.

A few days later, a neighbour came over to visit and after admiring the new cabinets, the neighbour added, “All of us were so glad that the fire your husband had while you were gone was confined to the kitchen.”

An office technician got a call from a computer user.

The user told the tech that her computer was not working. She described the problem and the tech concluded that her computer needed to be brought in and serviced.

He told her, “Unplug the power cord and bring it up here and I will fix it.”

About fifteen minutes later she showed up at his door … with the electrical cord in her right hand!

Our six-year-old handed us a note. His teacher had called my wife and I in for an emergency meeting. We asked our son if he had any idea why and he said, “She didn’t like a drawing I did.”

We went in the next day.

His teacher pulled the drawing below out and said, “I asked him to draw his family, and he drew this. Would you mind explaining?”

“Not at all.” my wife said. “Family vacation. Snorkeling off the Bahamas. 😂😂

And that’s it.  Love and Happiness to you all.

So first of all, remember the picture above, it will come back around later in the issue.  I am going to quickly get into the fun stuff and the memes and cartoons so that I can maybe get this ready for Monday so you guys can have something for Monday to laugh at.  Besides, you don’t really want to hear from me anyway, right?  What you really want to do is to laugh.

So, a quick letter from a reader and then we’ll get right into the fun stuff.

Another Military short story with a happy ending….  

For all of you morons out there asking for “Father’s Day” and “Mother’s Day” to be changed to “Special Person’s Day”, there already is a day just for you! 
It’s called: 
“APRIL FOOLS DAY”

Be honest, if people heard what you are thinking half of the time, you would either be in jail or a mental hospital.

Some of our security weld fire…

Guys!  I need your help!  I’m in the middle of an argument with my wife and she just told me that I’m right.
What the hell do I do next!?!

Working at the post office, I’m used to dealing with a moody public.

So when one irate customer stormed my desk, I responded in my calmest voice, “What’s the trouble?”

“I went out this morning,” she began, “and when I came home I found a card saying the mailman tried to deliver a package but no one was home. I’ll have you know, my husband was in all morning! He never heard a thing!”

After apologizing, I got her parcel.

“Oh good!” she gushed. “We’ve been waiting for this for ages!”

“What is it?” I asked.

“My husband’s new hearing aid.”

And THAT, my dear campers, is the definition of being in the military.  
Or at least it’s supposed to be.
Sadly, it’s not ALWAYS the case, but for the most part, it is.  For the ones where it’s not, we tend to get rid of them without too much trouble.  I still run into the “occasional”  10 year E-6 who has “never deployed and seems proud of that fact” but that is the exception rather than the rule.

Mary and her husband were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy morning.  

He suddenly said, ‘Mary, if I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff.’ 

‘Now why would you want me to do something like that?’ Mary asked. 

‘I figure that you would eventually remarry, and I don’t want some other asshole using my stuff….’ 

‘What makes you think I’d marry another asshole?”

Some of our security weld wind …

LOVE: When you write poems about your partner.
LUST: When all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE: When all you write is checks.

LOVE: When sex is called “making love”.
LUST: When sex is called “doing it”.
MARRIAGE: When you can’t remember what you used to call it.

LOVE: When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST: When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE: When you lose your child in a crowded room.

LOVE: When your heart flutters every time you see them.
LUST: When your groin twitches every time you see them.
MARRIAGE: When your wallet empties every time you see them.

LOVE: When you argue over how many children to have.
LUST: When you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE: When you argue about money.

LOVE: When you have concern for your partner’s feelings.
LUST: When you have concern for your partner’s test results.
MARRIAGE: When you have concern for what’s on TV.

LOVE: When nobody else matters.
LUST: When nobody else knows.
MARRIAGE: When everybody else matters and you don’t care who knows.

LOVE: When you like to be seen in public with your partner.
LUST: When you like to see each other naked.
MARRIAGE: When you never see each other awake.

LOVE: When you share everything you own.
LUST: When you steal everything they own.
MARRIAGE: When the bank owns everything.

LOVE: When you phone each other just to say, “Hi.”
LUST: When you phone each other to pick a hotel room.
MARRIAGE: When you phone each other to bitch.

LOVE: When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
LUST: When the song on the radio determines how you do it.
MARRIAGE: When you listen to talk radio.

LOVE: When your farewell is “I love you, darling.”
LUST: When your farewell is “Same time next week?”
MARRIAGE: When your farewell is “Pick up some toilet paper.”

And Biden was elected president

Mary: My ex-husband and I had a big fight once because I was filing my nails.

Jill: Well, that’s ridiculous!

Mary: Oh, I dunno. We were having sex at the same time.

As I have grown older, I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

My husband was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and I was sitting at his bedside.

His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, “You’re beautiful.”

Flattered, I continued my vigil while he drifted back to sleep.

Later he woke up and said, “You’re cute.”

“What happened to ‘beautiful’?” I asked him.

“The drugs are wearing off,” he replied.

Really oldie, and Really funny…

A Swiss scientist has invented a new bra! 

It offers more support which will prevent a woman’s breasts from bouncing around, and will keep her nipples hidden; even in cold temperatures. 

After announcing his invention, the scientist was taken outside where a large group of men beat the crap out of him. 

Another oldie, but goodie

Men’s Rules in life ……. 

Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella. 

It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances: 
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master. 
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse. 
c. After wrecking your boss’ car. 
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into “The Crying Game”. 
e. When she is using her teeth 

Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours. 

Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate’s fridge is forbidden. Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable. 

No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate’s birthday is strictly optional. 

On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest. 

When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing. 

You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she’s officially your girlfriend. 

Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts. 

Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed. 

If a man’s fly is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see anything. 

Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers. 

Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both – that’s just mean. 

If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you’d better be talking about his choice of beer. 

never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a mate of yours, except if she’s withholding s*x pending your response. 

Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights: a. Yeah, Baby, Push it! b. C’mon, give me one more! Harder! c. Another set and we can hit the showers! 

Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need. 

Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary. 

The morning after you and a girl who was formerly “just a friend” have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you’re feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was. 

Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue. 

The girl who replies to the question “What do you want for Christmas?” with “If you loved me, you’d know what I want!” gets an Xbox. End of story. 

Speaking of shooting, did you guys hear about the Chinese spy balloon that is floating over our country that they say is a “weather balloon” that has gone off course that they’ve lost control of, that the military wants to shoot down and Biden says no, leave it alone?  WHAT THE HELL??????  Now, imagine the same thing happened with a weather balloon over China.  Go ahead, imagine it.  I’ll wait.  It’s steerable.  It has cameras.  IT NEEDS TO BE SHOT DOWN and if it’s not, Biden needs to be impeached as a Chinese spy.

When a billionaire becomes President, the last thing on anyone’s mind should be seeing tax returns.

When a career politician on a $174,000 a year salary has a net worth of $50 million and owns multiple mansions, people should be asking HOW?

The Swamp of Washington is a disgusting place.

Remember at the very beginning, when I told you to pay attention to the header picture?  Here’s why…

That was such an excellent story.  Thanks to Joe from NJ for sharing the story.  It really touched me.

How does a blonde get pregnant?

SHEESH….and I thought blondes were dumb!

I’m sorry, but you can’t always be experiencing a higher volume of calls than average.

That’s not how averages work.

I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia. 

She whispered, “They’re right behind you…”

That’s it, got it done!  I’m very happy!  But I’ve got to get some sleep, so …

May God Bless you with Love and Happiness

Now there is a header that goes WAY back.  It’s header #4, which means it is one that I saved in 2011.  So, it’s now 12 years old.  

Sigh…

The good old days.

Anyway, here it is, Thursday night and I’m starting to put this episode together for Saturday.  Like I mentioned at the close of my last one, I’ll mention at the beginning of this one, there MAY NOT be an issue on Monday because of the extra long, extra hard weekend that I have coming up this weekend.  I have an additional class on Sunday afternoon that I have to teach, which takes the couple of extra hours that I normally have that I throw together to put an issue together away from me.  My weekend hours are usually longer hours and these will be longer still.

Anyway, everything is lined up and ready to go, so what do you say we get this truck out on the highway, shall we?

A 70-year-old man has never been married. One day he meets a beautiful 17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight. They get married and go to Florida for their honeymoon.

When they get back, his friend says to him, “So, tell me, how was it?”

“Oh, it was beautiful,” says the man. “The sun, the surf, we made love almost every night, we–“

His friend interrupts him. “A man your age! How did you make love almost every night?”

“Oh,” says the man, “we almost made love Monday, we almost made love Tuesday…”

“My life is awful,” the man says. “Every night, I play Trivial Pursuit with my wife, and every night she beats me.”

“Well, why don’t you just stop playing Trivial Pursuit?” the bartender asks.

“I love the game,” the man says. “I’m a genius. I never lose.”

The bartender is confused. “I thought you just said your wife beats you.”

“Yeah,” the man says, “she’s a sore loser.”

Within two weeks of moving into a new house, the homeowner had to call an electrician, a roofer, a plasterer and a carpenter.

One afternoon he returned from work early and saw a plumber’s truck in the driveway.

“Lord,” he pleaded, looking skyward, “please let my wife be having an affair.”

This guy was found outside the offices skulking around.  Once he was brought into the dungeons…or I mean, conference rooms, it was determined that he was working for some organization he was trying to start, some humor ezine called DragonChuckles… needless to say, nobody has seen him … well … nobody has seen him since we talked to him in the … what was it?  Oh yeah, the conference room.

Many years ago there was an Irish radio program where the presenters would travel around the country, stopping off at various schools and factories where they would interview some of the locals, and the broadcast would go out live. 

They ended up at a primary school in the backside of nowhere one day, and Little Johnny, a farmer’s son, was wheeled forward to say a few words live on the radio. 

‘So Little Johnny, how are you today?’ said Mr. Smoothie Presenter. 

‘Not too well at all, sir, there’s been a death in the family’ replied Little Johnny. 

‘Ah no, sure that’s terrible … who died?’ asked the presenter. 

‘It was the pony, sir … it fell down a bog hole and my father had to shoot it’, explained Little Johnny. 

‘God, that’s awful. Did your father shoot it in the hole?’ 

‘No sir … he shot it in the head’ 

Little Johnny goes to school. His first class is English, and the teacher wants the kids to say what they ate for breakfast and spell it. 

The first girl says “toast” — t o a s t. 

The second boy says “eggs” — e g g s. 

Little Johnny says “fuckin nothing” — f u c k i n g  n o t h i n g. 

The teacher stands him in the corner till lunch. 

After lunch Little Johnny is allowed to take his seat. 

The first class after lunch is geography. The teacher wants to know where the Polish border lies. 

Little Johnny shoots up his hand and says, “He’s at home on top of my mom. That’s why I got fucking nothing for breakfast!” 

Marina and Amy were sitting drinking coffee. 

Amy looked quite down and so Marina asked her what the problem was. 

Amy’s brow furrowed and she said, “Marina, that Viagra is the work of the devil. 

Now we girls can look forward to having sex with really old guys, for years and years to come. I can see it now. 

He’s screaming … 

‘Who’s your granddaddy, who’s your granddaddy? 

Oh dear, I can’t remember! What were we doing? Was I enjoying it?” 

That’s a picture of Izzy, she really does hate spiders.

I know, I can’t stand this new stuff they call music, either.

HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2059

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California. 

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock. 

Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped. 

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels. 

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica. No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation! 

Last Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking. 

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2060. 

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only. 

85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss. 

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs. 

Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba. 

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut. 

Abortion clinics now available in every High School in United States. 

Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays. 

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative. 

Supreme Court rules any punishment of criminals violates their civil rights. 

A Couple Finally Had Sexual Harmony, 
They had simultaneous Headaches. 

Average height of NBA players is now nine feet seven inches with only 5 illegitimate children. 

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2060. 

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent. 

Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines. 

Now, send this to whomever you want and as many as you want, then, guess what….NOTHING will happen. No miracles, no money, absolutely nothing, except you might make someone smile or be very very scared, or pissed off. 

I Love This Country! 

Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were.

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son’s house. She rang the doorbell and walked in.

She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing; the aroma of perfume filled the room.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

“I’m waiting for my husband to come home from work,” the daughter-in-law answered.

“But you’re naked!” the mother-in-law exclaimed.

“This is my love dress,” the daughter-in-law explained.

“Love dress? But you’re naked!”

“My husband loves me to wear this dress,” she explained. “It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can’t get enough of me.”

The mother-in-law left.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

“What are you doing?” he asked.

“This is my love dress” she whispered, sensually.

“Needs ironing,” he said

Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night.  She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night. 

“Certainly madam,” he replied courteously. 

“Is the restaurant open still?” inquired Mary. 

“Sorry, no,” came the reply, “but room service is available all night. 

Would you care to select something from this menu?” 

Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. “Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please,” said Mary. 

“Certainly, madam,” he replied. 

“And can I have breakfast in bed?” asked Mary  politely. 

The receptionist nodded and smiled. 

“In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs, please,” Mary mused. 

After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night. 

The night passed uneventfully and the next morning Mary came down early to check out.  The same guy was still on the desk. 

“Morning madam…sleep well?” 

“Yes, thank you,” Mary replied. 

“Food to your liking?” 

“Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don’t think I have had better. Shame about the eggs, though….they really weren’t that nice at all,” replied Mary truthfully. 

“Oh…well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book.  We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion,” said the receptionist. 

“OK, I will…thanks!”  replied Mary….who checked out, then scribbled a comment into the book.  Waving, she left to continue her journey. 

Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written. 

“Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!” 

You all saw that coming, right?  I mean from like the very beginning, right?  RIGHT?

Little Johnny is wandering up and down the aisles of a supermarket crying his eyes out. 

“What’s the matter fella?” asked a stock boy. 

“I’ve lost my mommy!” wailed Little Johnny. 

“Don’t worry, we’ll soon find her,” soothed the stock boy. 

“Now tell me, what’s mommy like?” 

“Bourbon and men with big, hard cocks,” sobbed Little Johnny. 

A Pocket Full of Puns

• Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.
• Just so everyone is clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.
• A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.
• I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.
• How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer. 
• My friends and I have named our band ‘Duvet’. It’s a cover band.
• I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it. 

• Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.
• When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.
• Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.
• Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.
• I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.
• I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
• What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, they’re, their.
• I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.

We really picked a bad generation to start World War III… they can’t even fight anxiety from being called by a wrong pronoun.

This next one is a really old and REALLY FUNNY joke.  I love this one.

TOMBSTONE SAYINGS

REST IN PEACE

COUSIN HUET

we all know

you didn’t do it

Joe from NJ says this is an oldie … I’ve never heard it before, so I guess I’m not that old.

Little Johnny walked into a police station one day and said, “I’ve got three big brothers and we all live in the same room. My eldest brother has seven cats. Another one has three dogs and the third has a goat. I want you to do something about the smell.”

“Are the any windows in your room?” asked the officer.

“Yes, of course there are!” said the boy.

“Have you tried opening them?”

“I can’t…all my pigeons would escape.”

And that’s it, and I’m late and I have to run.  May your weekend be filled with Love and Happiness.

We are having fun now!  Yes we are!  Absolutely!  Says so right here on the label.  Guaranteed, 100%, All-American, Pure-Breed, Organic, FUN!

ARE YOU PAYING ATTENTION?  We are having Eff You En — FUN!

So…anyway…Alan F. wrote to me and said: As to the question of Miss Universe and no other planets partaking, how about a world series with only one country!!!  

Well, Alan F., I know it’s not much but TECHNICALLY, the Toronto Blue Jays are from Canada and Canada is NOT the United States, so two countries, not just one. 

I know…

I KNOW…

It’s hardly MUCH of a difference, but still, it’s a technicality.  I think with the Little League World Series … with the kidlets … they actually DO draw from all over the world.  Seems like when kids from my home town of Toms River, NJ won they had to play the kids from Japan or something like that.  I’m not really much of a baseball fan, heck I’m barely a football fan (now that the Colts and the Packers are out of it, I’m not really sure who’s left in the running for the super bowl). 

{Spell check funny aside: Okay, that was funny.  I spelled super bowl first as “superbowl” and got the little red line underneath it showing it was wrong.  When I clicked on it, spell check gave me two choices as being correct.  #1 was of course “super bowl”, but #2 was “superb owl” which I thought was an excellently cool option.  The highest selection of owl.  You can choose a “good owl”, a “great owl”, an “excellent owl”, or for the very best, you can choose a “superb owl”.

Okay, enough nonsense for now, let’s get this show on the road.  And the crowd claps, cheers, and screams …

Sometimes, final wills are used to spite a partner one last time. For poet Heinrich Heine, he vowed to give all his property to his widowed wife on one condition: she needed to remarry. 

While this might sound like a romantic way to encourage your widow to move on, it was far from it. Because his wife was known to be boring and incredibly vain, Heine actually stated that if she remarried “there will be at least one man who will regret my death.”

Joe from NJ sent this one and it’s very, very good.  It’s called: The Value of Time

To realize
The value of a sister/brother
Ask someone
Who doesn’t have one.

To realize
The value of ten years:
Ask a newly
Divorced couple.

To realize
The value of four years:
Ask a graduate.

To realize
The value of one year:
Ask a student who
Has failed a final exam.

To realize
The value of nine months:
Ask a mother who gave birth to a stillborn.

To realize
The value of one month:
Ask a mother
Who has given birth to A premature baby.

To realize
The value of one week:
Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.

To realize
The value of one minute:
Ask a person Who has missed the train, bus or plane.

To realize
The value of one second:
Ask a person Who has survived an accident.

Time waits for no one.

Treasure every moment you have.

You will treasure it even more when
You can share it with someone special.

To realize the value of a friend or family member:

LOSE ONE.

The origin of this letter is unknown,
But it brings good luck to everyone who passes it on.

Remember….

Hold on tight to the ones you love!!!

Parachuting:

On our first day of training for a charity parachute jump, the instructor made an important point. “Start preparing for landing when you’re at 300 feet.”

One student asked, “How do you know when you’re at 300 feet?”

“A good question. At 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground.”

She thought about this for a moment before saying, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”

Our equivalent of riding your motorcycle to work.

Football Quotes:

Max McGee, Green Bay Packers receiver:  “When it’s third and ten, you can have the milk drinkers; I’ll take the whiskey drinkers every time.”

---

Don Meredith, Dallas Cowboys Quarterback once said: “Coach Tom Landry is such a perfectionist that if he was married to Raquel Welch, he would expect her to cook.”

---

John Breen, Houston Oilers: “We were tipping off our plays. Whenever we broke from the huddle, three backs were laughing and one was pale as a ghost.”

---

Bum Phillips, New Orleans Saints, after viewing a lopsided loss to the Atlanta Falcons: “The film looks suspiciously like the game itself.”

---

Paul Horning, Green Bay Packers running back on why his marriage ceremony was before noon:  “Because if it didn’t work out, I didn’t want to blow the whole day.”

---

Lou Holtz , Arkansas football coach:  “I have a lifetime contract That means I can’t be fired during the third quarter if we’re ahead and moving the ball.”

---

Knute Rockne, when asked why Notre Dame had lost a game: “I won’t know until my barber tells me on Monday.”

Instructions for Giving your Cat a Pill

Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. 

Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth
with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.

Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cats head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse’s armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat’s mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

Tie cat’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat’s mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of
water down throat to wash pill down.

Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. 

Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.

Having had to give a pill to a cat in the past, I can attest to the truthfulness of the above.  Here’s Impish Dragon’s steps on how to give a pill to a dog.  There are two different ways.  Either one works.

First way is to wrap the pill in ANY food and toss it to the dog like any other treat and the dog will swallow it without tasting it, like any other food.

Second way is to not bother wrapping it, but just make it the second treat you throw to the dog.  Throw a regular treat first, then the pill and it will disappear without being tasted, just like the first treat.

That’s it.  Most dogs are four-legged garbage disposals and will eat ANYTHING they think is a treat.  At least that is my experience.

The Amish Powerball is up to 200 chickens and a goat.

You know, we were supposed to meet here for the tailgating party … but I don’t see any teams, any beer, nothing.  Are you sure we’ve got the right address?

Sex Education

Teacher:  Tell me the difference between a Call girl, Girlfriend, and Wife.

The whole class was silent…until Little Johnny put up his hand and answered.

Little Johnny:  Prepaid, Postpaid, and Unlimited.

I know I’m going to get through it.  I’m just tired of going through it.

Someone stole my coffee cup.  Now I have to go down to the police station and look at mugshots.

Person:  What’s the dumbest thing you’ve ever done?

Me:  Awfully bold of you to assume I’ve peaked.

I hate when I think I’m buying organic vegetables and when I get home I discover they’re just regular donuts.

Why would I want to be alone with my thoughts?

Have you heard some of the crap that comes out of my mouth?

Just try and imagine what’s trapped inside this head of mine…

CONSPIRACY THEORIST

The term used to discredit someone who speaks about things you can’t bear to look at, because if it were true, it would reveal a darkness in the world you’re simply not ready to accept.

Just so we’re clear, I have no problem with the LG HDTV Community.

Boy, ain’t that the

Hello and Welcome. I hope you had a good weekend.

Have you ever noticed that the first piece of luggage that comes out on the airport carousel never seems to belong to anyone???

– Erma Bombeck (1927-1996)

Yeah, I would definitely fill up the right one first.

Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?

A: So she wouldn’t wake up the sleeping pills.

You ever notice why the blonde jokes are always she?  Why couldn’t the punch line have been, “So he wouldn’t wake up the sleeping pills”?  Doe it work as well as “she”?  No, it really doesn’t, do it?

Tombstone:

Burlington Churchyard, Massachusetts:

Sacred to the memory of Anthony Drake,

Who died for peace and quietness sake

His wife was constantly scolding and scoffin’,

So he sought for repose in a twelve-dollar coffin.

My teacher is really giving me a tuff time” Little Johnny was telling his father.

“Handle it this way Johnny,” his father advised. “Take special care with your personal appearance and attire. Pay attention in class. And do your assignments and homework promptly.”

“I really don’t think that’ll help Dad,” Johnny sighed. “She hissed at me during study break that she’s 3 weeks overdue.”

And that’s it again my friends.  

I’ve had a couple of people tell me that they’ve not received the issues in email like they normally do.  Keep in mind that NORMALLY I send out an episode every Monday, Thursday, and Saturday and I try my very best to let you know if I’m not going to send one out or if I’m going to be absent for whatever reason.  I know how much you guys worry about me.  So, if you don’t see one when you expect to see one, it could be an email issue, which I have no control over.  (I really had NO IDEA how many of you guys out there read each episode by email, I kind of figured that everyone paid a visit to the website).  So, if you think you should have gotten one and you didn’t, go to the website and check and see if a new issue is there.  It’s really easy to remember the address cause I pay for it every year.  dragonlaffs.com or if you really want to be fancy http://dragonlaffs.com  

Every time someone has written to me to say that they are no longer getting the emails, I’ve checked the email listing and their address is right there…and that’s about as much technical know how as I know how.

Anyway, that’s it for today, Love and Happiness to you all, until we meet again on Saturday.  And I will give you a heads up, since I do have a VERY long working weekend this weekend, there may not be an issue on Monday, but we’ll see.