So first of all, remember the picture above, it will come back around later in the issue. I am going to quickly get into the fun stuff and the memes and cartoons so that I can maybe get this ready for Monday so you guys can have something for Monday to laugh at. Besides, you don’t really want to hear from me anyway, right? What you really want to do is to laugh.
So, a quick letter from a reader and then we’ll get right into the fun stuff.
I too live in house built in 1900..only heat is a woodstove….yes I hug the trees and in return they keep me warm for just the price of saw gas….I also believe in zombies…still working as a nurse and know for a fact that mindless creatures are everywhere….I have a friend who’s son is an undertaker. He has promised to tie all the shoe strings together before burial….cut down on the walking dead maybe. Tired of snow and ice how about you all?
Marsha, Miss Nursey, I am indeed tired of the snow and ice. It was 13 degrees out when I left for work this morning and that was without even taking into account the wind-chill. I’m tired, damn tired of the cold. Never used to bother me, but since I don’t have my nice layer of fat to keep me warm anymore … well, I’m REALLY feeling it this year. Tell your friend’s son we all appreciate his efforts in slowing down the zombie apocalypse anyway he can. And thank you for your nursely service.
Now, on to the fun stuff.
Another Military short story with a happy ending….
Cool Pilot Story
And the pilot lived happily ever after and flew jets all over the world and drove hot cars and chased skinny long-legged big-breasted flight attendants and hunted and fished and went to topless bars and dated women half his age and drank German beer and Captain Morgan Rum and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and kept his house and guns and ate cold leftover meals, potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was frickin’ cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up…
For all of you morons out there asking for “Father’s Day” and “Mother’s Day” to be changed to “Special Person’s Day”, there already is a day just for you!
“APRIL FOOLS DAY”
Be honest, if people heard what you are thinking half of the time, you would either be in jail or a mental hospital.
Some of our security weld fire…
Guys! I need your help! I’m in the middle of an argument with my wife and she just told me that I’m right.
What the hell do I do next!?!
Working at the post office, I’m used to dealing with a moody public.
So when one irate customer stormed my desk, I responded in my calmest voice, “What’s the trouble?”
“I went out this morning,” she began, “and when I came home I found a card saying the mailman tried to deliver a package but no one was home. I’ll have you know, my husband was in all morning! He never heard a thing!”
After apologizing, I got her parcel.
“Oh good!” she gushed. “We’ve been waiting for this for ages!”
“What is it?” I asked.
“My husband’s new hearing aid.”
And THAT, my dear campers, is the definition of being in the military.
Or at least it’s supposed to be.
Sadly, it’s not ALWAYS the case, but for the most part, it is. For the ones where it’s not, we tend to get rid of them without too much trouble. I still run into the “occasional” 10 year E-6 who has “never deployed and seems proud of that fact” but that is the exception rather than the rule.
Mary and her husband were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy morning.
He suddenly said, ‘Mary, if I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff.’
‘Now why would you want me to do something like that?’ Mary asked.
‘I figure that you would eventually remarry, and I don’t want some other asshole using my stuff….’
‘What makes you think I’d marry another asshole?”
Some of our security weld wind …
LOVE: When you write poems about your partner.
LUST: When all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE: When all you write is checks.
LOVE: When sex is called “making love”.
LUST: When sex is called “doing it”.
MARRIAGE: When you can’t remember what you used to call it.
LOVE: When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST: When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE: When you lose your child in a crowded room.
LOVE: When your heart flutters every time you see them.
LUST: When your groin twitches every time you see them.
MARRIAGE: When your wallet empties every time you see them.
LOVE: When you argue over how many children to have.
LUST: When you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE: When you argue about money.
LOVE: When you have concern for your partner’s feelings.
LUST: When you have concern for your partner’s test results.
MARRIAGE: When you have concern for what’s on TV.
LOVE: When nobody else matters.
LUST: When nobody else knows.
MARRIAGE: When everybody else matters and you don’t care who knows.
LOVE: When you like to be seen in public with your partner.
LUST: When you like to see each other naked.
MARRIAGE: When you never see each other awake.
LOVE: When you share everything you own.
LUST: When you steal everything they own.
MARRIAGE: When the bank owns everything.
LOVE: When you phone each other just to say, “Hi.”
LUST: When you phone each other to pick a hotel room.
MARRIAGE: When you phone each other to bitch.
LOVE: When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
LUST: When the song on the radio determines how you do it.
MARRIAGE: When you listen to talk radio.
LOVE: When your farewell is “I love you, darling.”
LUST: When your farewell is “Same time next week?”
MARRIAGE: When your farewell is “Pick up some toilet paper.”
And Biden was elected president
Mary: My ex-husband and I had a big fight once because I was filing my nails.
Jill: Well, that’s ridiculous!
Mary: Oh, I dunno. We were having sex at the same time.
As I have grown older, I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.
My husband was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and I was sitting at his bedside.
His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, “You’re beautiful.”
Flattered, I continued my vigil while he drifted back to sleep.
Later he woke up and said, “You’re cute.”
“What happened to ‘beautiful’?” I asked him.
“The drugs are wearing off,” he replied.
Really oldie, and Really funny…
A Swiss scientist has invented a new bra!
It offers more support which will prevent a woman’s breasts from bouncing around, and will keep her nipples hidden; even in cold temperatures.
After announcing his invention, the scientist was taken outside where a large group of men beat the crap out of him.
Another oldie, but goodie
Men’s Rules in life …….
Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss’ car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into “The Crying Game”.
e. When she is using her teeth
Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate’s fridge is forbidden. Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate’s birthday is strictly optional.
On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.
You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she’s officially your girlfriend.
Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts.
Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
If a man’s fly is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see anything.
Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both – that’s just mean.
If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you’d better be talking about his choice of beer.
never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a mate of yours, except if she’s withholding s*x pending your response.
Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights: a. Yeah, Baby, Push it! b. C’mon, give me one more! Harder! c. Another set and we can hit the showers!
Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
The morning after you and a girl who was formerly “just a friend” have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you’re feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.
Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.
The girl who replies to the question “What do you want for Christmas?” with “If you loved me, you’d know what I want!” gets an Xbox. End of story.
Speaking of shooting, did you guys hear about the Chinese spy balloon that is floating over our country that they say is a “weather balloon” that has gone off course that they’ve lost control of, that the military wants to shoot down and Biden says no, leave it alone? WHAT THE HELL?????? Now, imagine the same thing happened with a weather balloon over China. Go ahead, imagine it. I’ll wait. It’s steerable. It has cameras. IT NEEDS TO BE SHOT DOWN and if it’s not, Biden needs to be impeached as a Chinese spy.
When a billionaire becomes President, the last thing on anyone’s mind should be seeing tax returns.
When a career politician on a $174,000 a year salary has a net worth of $50 million and owns multiple mansions, people should be asking HOW?
The Swamp of Washington is a disgusting place.
Remember at the very beginning, when I told you to pay attention to the header picture? Here’s why…
A must read: Six Boys and 13 Hands… A videographer’s account…
(He pointed to the statue) ‘You see this next guy? That’s Rene Gagnon from New Hampshire If you took Rene’s helmet off at the moment this photo was taken and looked in the webbing of that helmet, you would find a photograph…a photograph of his girlfriend. Rene put that in there for protection because he was scared. He was 18 years old. It was just boys who won the battle of Iwo Jima. Boys. Not old men.
The next guy here, the third guy in this tableau, was Sergeant Mike Strank. Mike is my hero.
The next guy, going around the statue, is Franklin Sousley from Hilltop, Kentucky. A fun-lovin’ hillbilly boy.
His best friend, who is now 70, told me, ‘Yeah, you know, we took two cows up on the porch of the Hilltop General Store. Then we strung wire across the stairs so the cows couldn’t get down. Then we fed them Epsom salts.
‘So that’s the story about six nice young boys. Three died on Iwo Jima, and three came back as national heroes.
Overall, 7,000 boys died on Iwo Jima in the worst battle in the history of the Marine Corps. My voice is giving out, so I will end here. Thank you for your time.
Great story – worth your time – worth every American’s time. Please pass it on.
That was such an excellent story. Thanks to Joe from NJ for sharing the story. It really touched me.
How does a blonde get pregnant?
SHEESH….and I thought blondes were dumb!
I’m sorry, but you can’t always be experiencing a higher volume of calls than average.
That’s not how averages work.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia.
She whispered, “They’re right behind you…”
That’s it, got it done! I’m very happy! But I’ve got to get some sleep, so …
May God Bless you with Love and Happiness
The part about the Iwo Jima memorial was especially good.
Today, too many people have no idea of the cost.
Ira Hayes and Mr. Bradley both had PTSD. Before they knew what it was.
Did you ever hear the “Ballad of Ira Hayes” by Johnny Cash?