Today is Monday.
Well, today is Saturday, but you’re reading it on Monday.
We’re doing the whole time travel thing again.
But that’s okay, we’re special that way.
I’m especially infuriated right now.  There was an insurrection in Nashville yesterday of Trans people who attacked the Nashville courthouse.  And if that isn’t bad enough.  They were holding up 7 fingers, indicating 7 victims. 
But Impish!  Weren’t there only six people killed?  Three children and three adults.
Yes, dear campers.  You are absolutely right.  Which means that the Trans Morons are calling the shooter a victim by being shot by the police! 
So, you see…I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore.

WHY ARE WE COWTOWING TO A POPULATION THAT AMOUNTS TO 3% OF THE PEOPLE WHO ARE SO OBVIOUSLY MENTALLY DERRANGED?!?!  Calling the shooter of innocent children a VICTIM?!  God has a very special place in Hell set aside for you!

AND WHY IS OUR GOVERNMENT NOT DENOUNCING THESE EVIL BASTARDS?!?

There is so much wrong with our country right now.  And they are arresting a past president, the only president who has done a damn thing to put this country back on the right path, for nothing!  They have weaponized our justice system and we’ve let them.  

Make sure you check out today’s Last Word, the Dragon has stuff to say.

This next one is from our fellow camper Leah…

Here in Utah, we went from extreme drought, to God’s giant gift of water preserved in snow. My friends live up in the mountains.  He stepped out the kitchen sliding doors on the top floor, to the deck, stepped over the deck banister, walked across piled snow, and stepped up on the garage roof to clean it off.  He used his chainsaw to cut through layers of ice hanging on his roof.  There are reports of collapsed roofs, lots of rescue stories.  

But it is worth it.  Man can figure out how to deal with snow removal and Spring Floods, but man can’t make water . . . Thank You God!

WOW: This is what 219% of normal snowpack looks like! ❄️ 🤯 ❄️

📍: Rock Canyon Campground, Utah

Just wow!  Thanks Leah!

Holy Cow!  That’s almost as strong as a dragon’s bite!

Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens.

– Jimi Hendrix (1942 – 1970)

Deciding to eat healthier breakfasts, my brother-in-law declared that oatmeal would now be his cereal of choice.

But after eating his first bowl, he told my sister, “I hope I develop a taste for the stuff. It goes down real rough.”

“Well,” she asked, “how long did you cook it?”

“You’re supposed to cook it?” he said.

It’s really cool when dinner comes with it’s own toothpick.

All the democrats in Washington may have a chance after all.

The visiting minister was surprised when he went into the pulpit to find just one person in the congregation – an old farmer. He went down to him and said, “Is it worth proceeding?”

“What do you mean?” said the farmer.

“Well” said the minister, “is it worth having a service for such a small congregation?”

“When I take the bucket of food to the hens and only one turns up I don’t send it away hungry.”

Moved by this simple analogy, the minister went back to the pulpit and went through the whole service including a long and very forceful sermon. When he had finished he went down to the farmer and asked, “Was that alright?”

The farmer rather tersely replied, “When I take the bucket to the hens and only one turns up I don’t give it the whole bucket”.

LOVE and MARRIAGE 

Love is holding hands in the street. 
Marriage is holding arguments in the street 

Love is dinner for 2 in your favorite restaurant. 
Marriage is Chinese take-out. 

Love is cuddling on a sofa. 
Marriage is deciding on a sofa. 

Love is talking about having children. 
Marriage is talking about getting away from children. 

Love is losing your appetite. 
Marriage is losing your figure. 

Love is a flickering flame. 
Marriage is a flickering television. 

Love is 1 drink and 2 straws. 
Marriage is “Don’t you think you’ve had enough?!” 

I was talking to my friend last night at a cafe about my 4 motorcycles, all the bikes have women’s names. 

An elderly couple entered and sat in the next booth. 

My friend asked me, “So which one are you going to ride tonight?” 

I responded, “I think I will ride Mary for about three hours, eat, rest a bit, then ride Vixen for 2 hours.” 

The man sitting next to us spewed his coffee. 

My friend continued, “When are you going to ride the others?” I said, “Well, Amy will get ridden all day Saturday if my butt doesn’t get too sore.” 

The wife of the old man raised her eyebrows and smiled at me. 

I continued, “Sunday I expect to ride Alice in the country over rough roads, she handles better than the others.” 

“How?” my friend queried. 

“Well I get going as fast as I can, grab her by the handles and hang on for dear life.” 

“Has she ever thrown you.” asked my friend 

“A couple of times. Which is why I wear a helmet.” 

The old man leered at me. 

“Where do you keep them?” my friend wondered aloud. 

“I keep them locked up in the garage. I don’t want anyone else to touch them but me.” 

Again the man’s wife looked at me and smiled. The man got red in the face. 

My friend asked, “You can only ride em one at a time, so can I ride one?” 

“Heck yes, as long as you have life insurance. These gals are rough and tough and give no quarter.” 

Also, I have to charge you 10 dollars an hour to cover the maintaince on these ladies.” 

“Do you kick them to get them started.” he asked. 

“No, I just choke them a bit, then fire them up. They warm up really fast.” 

“Okay here is 10 dollars, let’s go.” My friend summarizes. 

“Here is the key to unlock her.” 

The husband and wife fainted. 

Our Escape Room is the BESTEST!!!!!

Musings… 

I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it. 

I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart. 

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle. 

Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic. 

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy. 

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous. 

A beggar asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, “First let me see the sandwich.” 

What is a “free” gift? Aren’t all gifts free? 

They told me I was gullible — and I believed them. 

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and when he grows up, he’ll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway. 

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long. 

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone. 

What if there were no hypothetical questions? 

One nice thing about egotists: They don’t talk about other people. 

When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail. 

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries. 

What was the greatest thing before sliced bread? 

My weight is perfect for my height — which varies. 

I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure. 

The cost of living hasn’t affected its popularity. 

How can there be self-help “groups”? 

Is there another word for synonym? 

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?” 

The speed of time is one second per second. 

Is it possible to be totally partial? 

What’s another word for thesaurus? 

If you’re cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right? 

Is Marx’s tomb a communist plot? 

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales? 

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I’ll show you a man who can’t get his pants off. 

It’s not an optical illusion. It just looks like one. 

Some Wal-Mart customers soon will be able to sample a new discount item — Wal-Mart’s own brand of wine. The world’s largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of Modesto, Calif., to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2-5 range. 

While wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart  brand wine into their shopping carts, there is a market for cheap wine, said Kathy Micken,professor of marketing at Roger Williams University in Bristol, R.I. She said: “The right name is important.” 

So, here we go: 


 The top 12 suggested names for Wal-Mart Wine: 

 12. Château Traileur Parc 
 11. White Trashfindel 
 10. Big Red Gulp 
 9.  Grape Expectations 
 8.  Domaine Wal-Mart “Merde du Pays” 
 7.  NASCARbernet 
 6.  Chef Boyardeaux 
 5.  Peanut Noir 
 4.  Château des Moines 
 3.  I Can’t Believe It’s Not Vinegar! 
 2.  World Championship Riesling 

 And the number 1 name for Wal-Mart Sparkling Wine … 

 1.  Nasti Spumante 

Q. What does a rattle snake and condom with a hole in it have in common? 

A. You don’t screw with either one of them. 

The Battle of Midway was considered a turning point in the war in the Pacific. If it wasn’t for code breaker Joseph Rochefort, the Japanese might have been unopposed, and they would have established a base on Midway. Rochefort was an avid crossword fan and worked as a cryptologist for the Navy. He cracked the complex “uncrackable” Japanese JN-25 code. Despite resistance from his boss, he told Admiral Nimitz that the Japanese were bringing a large fleet to Midway Island. Rochefort set a trap for the Japanese that proved he was right. As a result, the US navy was prepared, and the Japanese presence in the Pacific was severely weakened.

Coincidentally, two other crossword fans, a Brooklyn teacher and his wife, cracked the Zodiac Killer’s code.

Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes.

There’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.

Long ago there were two brothers Hing and Ming. One day their pet chicken fell ill, began to molt, and soon lost all of its feathers!

The brothers decided to each spend two months trying to cure the chicken.

Hing immediately went back to the university. And, having boned up on ornithology and traditional Chinese medicine, he decided that the answer was a prescription of gum-tree leaf tea. He gathered bushels of the tea leaves, brewed gallons of the tea, and poured it into the chicken for the two months.

Meanwhile, Ming traveled all around China, praying at the shrines of his ancestors. One night he had a dream. His ancestors appeared and told him to feed the chicken tea made from gum-tree leaves! Ming, aware of his brother’s lack of success, decided that the problem was quantity. He gathered whole cartloads of leaves, and brewed barrels of the tea, and nearly drowned the poor chicken over another two month period.

At the end of that time, the dismal chicken was still as naked as a bowling ball.

Moral: All of Hing’s courses, and all of Ming’s kin; couldn’t make gum tea re-feather a hen!

A guy walks into the doctor’s office and says, “Doc, I haven’t had a bowel movement in a week!”

The doctor gives him a prescription for a mild laxative and tells him, “If it doesn’t work, let me know.”

A week later the guy is back: “Doc, still no movement!”

The doctor says, “Hmm, guess you need something stronger,” and prescribes a powerful laxative.

Still another week later the poor guy is back: “Doc, STILL nothing!”

The doctor, worried, says, “We’d better get some more information about you to try to figure out what’s going on. What do you do for a living?”

“I’m a musician.”

The doctor looks up and says, “Well, that’s it! Here’s $10.00. Go get something to eat!”

Left is Right, Inc.
______________

The high percentage of people that play any type of sport, play right handed.

Whether golf, tennis, archery, or even pickle ball, the Lefties are ignored and on their own. Our new company, ‘Left is Right’ will help to correct that.

A little known fact to golfers is that all of the dimples on golf balls slant slightly to the right. This contributes to the ball’s common path to the right. We will produce two new golf balls that will greatly help to correct the problem afflicting 99.9% of the world’s golfers.

Our new ball will be available with either a mild or strong dimple slant to the left.

Compounding the problem with the current golfballs is the use of a right handed robot that conducts the hitting tests. We have also developed our own Left Handed robot in our secret testing facility in South Jersey. Located in a former Yugo car dealership, ‘LEFTY’ has been hitting thousands of our new golf balls into a greatly reinforced barrier net. Besides flying much straighter, our new balls travel 75% farther on average.

The introductory price of only $84.95 a dozen will be justified by the lower scores being turned in. Two of our newly designed golf pencils (With extra large erasers) will be packaged with every dozen balls and are sure to help produce lower scores.

After we have a sufficient number of investors, we’ll begin developing other products. Improved tennis balls with a left facing cover is high on our list. Our product line will be endless thanks to the high number of left handed sports minded people. We will continue to send updates on current and future products.

Regards,

EOJ IDNAL,
Chief Business Officer
Left is Right, INC

I do solemnly swear that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic, that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; that I take this obligation freely, without any mental reservation or purpose of evasion; and that I will well and faithfully discharge the duties of …

To support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic.  That’s what it says and that’s what we swore.  And, as has already been established many times in this forum, my oath has not now, nor ever will expire, this is still in affect for me and every other Veteran and active duty member who is out there.  Okay, let’s put that as fact #1.

So, if China attacks us, I have an obligation to do what I can to defend this country, specifically, to support and defend it’s Constitution.  Pretty easy, pretty straight forward.

But, what about domestic enemies?  What about enemies who are obviously and openly doing everything they can to take away the powers and destroy the rights and the freedoms that we have under the Constitution? 

We know they are doing it.  They are being obvious about it.  Am I not fulfilling my oath by not doing what I can to defend my Constitution from them, whether or not they happen to be elected officials or even the Commander in Chief of the same military in which I serve?  Am I not now guilty of not fulfilling my oath of service?  Do I not have an OBLIGATION?

And I know someone is going to say that the oath continues to say that I also have an obligation to obey the orders of the officers placed over me.  But if I’m a retired Veteran, I no longer have any officers placed over me.  If I have been Honorably Discharged, I have no officers placed over me.

Where does my obligation lie?

It is worth thinking about and I would love to hear from the  other Vets out there who read this.  I say the other Vets, not to say that the rest of you don’t have a say, but you really don’t have a dog in this fight.  And if you have to ask me why not … well … that’s why.  If you have to ask, then that’s your answer.

I’m serious brothers and sisters.  Write to me at impishdragon@dragonlaffs.com and give me your opinion.  And until then…May God Bless us all with Love and Happiness and may He have mercy on our souls. 

One of my favorite headers and since I don’t have one picked out for this issue, I ran with an old favorite.  I should make up one for the Superhero Museum that Izzy and I visited on Monday, but I just haven’t gotten to it due to being very busy and needing to get this issue out since this is a UTA weekend and me having to work.  I’m trying like the dickens to get Saturday’s and Monday’s issue done soonest so that you guys have something to laugh about, when we all know there isn’t much to laugh at right now.  

Our worthless president making ice cream jokes when he should have been talking about the shooting in Nashville, and that’s just the tip of the iceberg that is crashing into our country right now.  I could honestly just cry.  I promised (and so did many, many other men and women) to lay down MY LIFE for this country and THAT MAN and others of his ilk are trying to GIVE IT AWAY and turn it into a LAUGHING STOCK. 

My heart hurts.  It aches with the souls of those who fought and died for what it means to BE an American.  He hasn’t a clue.  None of them do.  They really and truly don’t understand.  

Okay, my friends.  We MUST start laughing.  We have to.  It’s the only thing left us right now.

Okay, those guys are adorable!!!

This one is from Buddy Joe from NJ (who is also an Air Force and Navy Vet) (Just thought I’d throw that in) 

surprised?

Wife’s Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn’t flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn’t say much.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, “nothing.” I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.

He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him.

He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior. I don’t know why he didn’t say, ‘I love you, too.’

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed but I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. We had sex, he fell asleep; I cried. I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

Husband’s Diary:

A two-foot putt… Who the hell misses a two-foot putt?

Patient: “During my operation,I heard the surgeon use a four-letter word that upset me very much.”

Nurse: “What word was that?”

Patient: “Oops!”

Editing!!!!

The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot’s wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Johnny interrupted.

“My Mummy looked back once while she was DRIVING,” he announced triumphantly, “and she turned into a telephone pole!”

ME TOO!!!

Old picture of me taking a bath when I was but a wee dragonette.

That is the honest truth.

Joe says this is an old classic, but through my laughter, I don’t think I’ve ever heard this one before, and I’m a pretty old classic myself.

Even if you aren’t a skier, you’ll be able to appreciate the humor of the slopes as written by a New Orleans paper:

A friend just got back from a holiday skiing trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody’s heart. Conditions were perfect…12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over…the “tell me when we’re having fun” kind of day. One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a rest room. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away. If you’ve ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know that a temperature of 12 below doesn’t help matters. With time running out, the woman weighed her options. Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all-white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods and no one would even notice. He assured her, “The white will provide more than adequate camouflage.” So she headed for the tree line, began lowering her ski pants and proceeded to do her thing.

If you’ve ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and wrong way to set your skis so you don’t move. Yup, you got it!!! She had them positioned the wrong way. Steep slopes are not forgiving…even during the most embarrassing moments. Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out-of-control, racing through the trees… somehow missing all of them and onto another slope. Her derriere was still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while. She continued backwards, totally out-of-control, creating an unusual vista for the other skiers. The woman skied back under the lift and finally collided violently with a pylon.

The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants. At long last her husband arrived, putting an end to her nudie show, then summoned the ski patrol. They transported her to a hospital. While in the emergency room, a man with an obviously broken leg was put in the bed next to hers. “So, how’d you break your leg?” she asked, making small talk.

“It was the darndest thing you ever saw,” he said. “I was riding up this ski lift and suddenly, I couldn’t believe my eyes! There was this crazy woman skiing backward, out- of-control, down the mountain, with her bare bottom hanging out of her ski pants. I leaned over to get a better look and fell out of the lift…so, how’d you break your arm?

A Chinese man flew to Las Vegas on a vacation trip. He took a taxi from Harry Reid International Airport to the Stratosphere Hotel.

On his way seeing a bus pass by, he told the taxi driver that in the U.S. buses run very slow but that in China buses run very fast.

After sometime, they passed under a railway bridge and saw a train passing overhead. The Chinese man then told the driver that the trains also run very slow here but that in China trains run very fast.

Throughout the journey he complained to the driver disparaging the U.S. at every point. However, the taxi driver kept quiet throughout the journey.

When the Chinese man reached his destination, he asked the driver what the meter reading was and his taxi fare.

The taxi driver replied that it was $137.57.

The Chinese man was shell shocked. He shouted, “Are you kidding? In your country buses run slow, trains run slow, everything is slow. How come the meter alone runs fast?”

To this the taxi bro calmly replied:

*”THE METER IS MADE IN CHINA”*

A repentant wife, a lost dog returned, and a house risen from the ashes can only mean one thing:

Someone is playing a Country and Western song backwards.

It’s a nice little island, out in the middle of the sea…

I just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen.  Clearly my dog isn’t doing his part of the chores around here.

I went to an Inter-Religion Integration Seminar. 

The Bishop came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of Jesus Christ, you will walk today!”

I smiled and told him I was not paralyzed.

The Rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of God Almighty, you will walk today!”

He was not amused when I told him there was nothing wrong with me.

The Mullah came, took my hands and said, “Insha Allah, you will walk today!”

I politely told him, “There’s nothing wrong with me.”

The Hindu sadhu came and said, “Son, you will walk on your legs today.”

I said, “Babaji, there’s nothing wrong with my legs.”

The Buddhist Monk came, held my hands and said, “By the will of the Great Buddha, you will walk today!”

I had to tell him there was nothing wrong with me.

After the Seminar, I stepped outside and found my car had been stolen.

I believe in all Religions now!

I really liked this one.  Thanks, Joe.

A Londoner, pinched for drunken driving, was submitted to a new testing machine which registered a staggering percentage of alcohol in his breath.

“Your machine must be on the blink,” insisted the Londoner.

“My wife’s a teetotaler. Try it on her.”

The police obliged and again the machine showed alcoholic content far above the allowable level.

“Now I KNOW your machine’s out of order,” cried the driver. “To prove it, let our little baby blow into the thing.” The baby’s breath was sampled, and sure enough, proved high on the alcoholic side.

Sheepishly, the police tore up the complaint.

Driving triumphantly away, the Londoner told his wife, “That was one wonderful idea of yours to give the baby those two slugs of gin before we left the pub.”

A barber runs out of his shop and down to the nearest corner where a policeman is standing. “Officer,” he asks, have you seen a man run by here in the last few minutes?” 

“No I haven’t. What’s the problem?” 

“The lousy cheat ran out of my shop without paying me!” 

“Does this fellow have any distinguishing features?” the officer asks. 

“Well, yes,” the barber replies. “He’s carrying one of his ears in his left hand.” 

I would definitely buy that cellphone!

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.

She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.

One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass.

As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, “The tooth fairy will never believe this.

Modern Green Technology at its finest!

I got an email today with a poll that I found really, really interesting.  The question was “What’s the current greatest threat to our country’s national security?”

Russia’s nuclear testing and threat of a western “target.”

China’s aggressive actions and military buildup.

Overseas terrorist groups like al Qaeda.

The domestic political squabbles that are dividing our nation. 

Unconventional attacks such as cyber warfare, disrupting the power grid. 

Something else. 

Now, on the other side of the following meme I’ll give you the results from the time that I took a copy of them and an explanation of WHO was doing the poll.  I think THAT will surprise you as much as the responses. 

Okay, so I lied, there were two memes.  But, what do you expect from a dragon?  So, here are the results…

And here’s the explanation… This is from the American Legion.  Which means that all the responses are from Veterans.  And THEY (WE) think we are our own worst enemy.  And I agree 100%.  With China being in second place.  Every single one of those other issues are made WORSE because our own house is not in order.  And it’s not in order because of really crappy leadership. 

The American Legion is a great organization for Veterans.  If you are a Vet and aren’t a member, why aren’t you?  Seriously, I want to know why.

A young man at his first job as a waiter in a diner has a large trucker sit down at the counter and order, “Gimme 3 flat tires and a couple of headlights.” 

He goes to the kitchen and tells the cook, “I think this guy’s in the wrong place, look what he ordered!” 

The cook says, “He wants 3 pancakes and 2 eggs sunny side up.” 

“I get it,” replied the waiter. So on his way back out to the counter he takes a bowl of beans to the trucker. 

He looks at it and says, “I didn’t order this!” 

The waiter tells him, “I figured while you’re waiting for your parts you might as well gas up!” 

A rich lady is riding along with her chauffeur when they get a flat tire.

He gets out and starts trying to pry off the hubcap.

After he struggles a few minutes, she looks out at him and says, “You wanna screwdriver?”

He says, “Hell, we might as well. I can’t get this freaking hubcap off anyway.”

A recent news story detailed a medical implant which offers women the chance to experience orgasms with the press of a button. 

Tiny electrodes are implanted into the spine and a small signal generator in the skin under the buttocks. 

The patient then controls the sensation with a handheld remote. 

Side Effects of the New Orgasm Implant: 

1. Dramatic increase in the number of women seen hanging out at Radio Shack. 

2. Cosmopolitan magazine folds due to a drastic shortage of cover story headlines. 

3. Dad now surfs with two remotes.  

Mom never complains 

4. She never wants to cuddle anymore — it’s click, click, click, and she’s out the door. 

5. The Baptists hurriedly draft an extra Commandment. 

6. Thanks to a malfunctioning garage door opener, you’re looking at $1,000 to fix the hole your wife kicked in the dashboard of your car. 

7. The Energizer Bunny keeps coming and coming… 

8. “Not tonight, Honey. I have a thumbache.” 

9. Finally, size really *doesn’t* matter. 

10. “I’m sorry, could you repeat that? I wasn’t paying attention… I’m sorry, could you repeat that? I wasn’t paying attention… I’m sorry…” 

11. Every time your cell phone rings, you feel the uncontrollable urge to shout your surgeon’s name. 

12. Side effects? Who cares about… oh… *oh*… OH, GOD! YESSSSSS!!!! 

13. In addition to “Mute” and “Favorite,” the wildly popular Radio Shack Ultimate Universal Remote now has a new button: “Big O.” 

14. Men no longer feel any responsibility toward satisfying their partner… errr, never mind. 

I KNOW I’ve seen this picture somewhere before… I just KNOW IT!  And then… I remembered the title, but not the author.  I actually thought it was an old Heinlein novel, but it wasn’t.  It was …

I just tried to find this on Kindle and it’s not available digitally.  It is available as a mass market paperback, but it must be an old classic.  The only price I could find on Amazon was $43.39 plus $3.99 shipping and handling.  In my EXTENSIVE digital library, I was amazed that I didn’t have a copy.  Oh well, plenty of other books to read.

And that’s it my friends, I hope you enjoyed this episode.  And I hope there will be one on Monday for you to enjoy, but like I said, April Fools weekend is also my UTA weekend and we all know how those work out.  So, until we meet again, may God Bless you all with Love and Happiness.

And here it is, still Saturday night and I’m now working on Thursday’s issue.  So, I went to a funeral this afternoon.  Our pastor gave a GREAT service.  I truly love hearing him preach.  But, other than that, I really don’t have anything to say right now, so I’m going to go ahead and start with the memes and funny stuff and maybe add to the wordiness of this later.

If you miss traveling, grab your suitcase, throw it down the stairs, hit it with a blunt object, and pretend you just flew with United.

This one is from our local wood carver, Stephen who says that he made this next one for a nurse he met at one of his hospital visits:

I think that’s pretty awesome Stephen.  Nice job.

I thought only redheads got Gingivitis.

Sewing Dragon…because we’re everywhere!

Never tell your personal problems to your co-workers.

80% don’t care and 20% are glad.

A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink.

“Is everything okay, pal?” the bartender asks.

“My wife and I got into a fight and she said she isn’t talking to me for a month.”

Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, “Well, maybe that’s kind of a good thing.  You know…a little peace and quiet?”

“Yeah, but today’s the last day.”

If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d come in 4th place.  That way, I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.

This is NOT what I thought of when you said, “Seafood” for dinner.

Some Stranger, Somewhere, Remembers You Because You Were Kind To Them.

Don’t be afraid of being different, be afraid of being the same as everyone else.

The dots are practically, almost touching each other, and people STILL cannot connect them.

I never thought I’d be the type of person who would get up early in the morning to exercise.

I was right.

Starting your day with an early morning run is a great way to make sure your day can’t get any worse than it started.

Wanna make a car dealer uncomfortable, just say… “Tell me if you can hear this.”

Then get in the trunk and start screaming.

We live in a time when intelligent people are being silenced so that stupid people won’t be offended.

A man taking estrogen and then announcing he is biologically a woman is as delusional as me taking vitamin C and announcing I am now a citrus fruit.

Why are hallways in psychiatric hospitals call “hallways”?  Shouldn’t they be called psycho paths?

Her: Welcome to my she shed.

Gynecologist:  Please stop calling it that.

I think I’ve run this next one before, but it made me laugh so hard, that it’s worth running again.

One big difference between men and women is that if a woman says, “Smell this,” it usually smells nice.

Before we close this issue out, we’re going to run a special picture sequence.  21 pictures of …

#1  Hmmm

#2  I Love You

#3  A Beautiful Place

#4  This Kiss

#5  Ohhh

#6  Immersing Myself In Nature

#7  Nature Censored This Safety Sign At Work So I Can Post It Without NSFW Label

#8  Sleeping Lady Mountain, Alaska

#9  Cacti Gone Wild

#10  Tree With Bums

#11  Not Sure What I Did To Annoy Mother Nature, but…

#12  Elephant

13  Nature Is Full Of Wonder

#14  So Sexy

#15  A Gift From Mother Nature

#16  Far From Accidental

#17  Life Stops For Nothing

#18  That’s Nature

#19  How Baby Carrots Are Made

#20  Picasso

#21  The Magical Tree Lady (and a pure classic!)

And that’s it my friends.  I hope you enjoyed this extra issue.  May God Bless you all with Love and Happiness until we meet again.

I think I told you about the monocular or little telescope that I bought as a present for myself.  If I didn’t, then consider yourself told.  Anyway, I can hook my phone up to it and take pictures.  I’m still getting used to it, but above is one of my first attempts.  We have a bald eagle’s nest in a field near our church.  It is about 200 yards out into a field.  The fence line to the field is right up against our parking lot and filled with …. well, look…

Moo-cows.  Lots and lots of moo-cows!  So, the only choice we have is to spy on them long distance.  And when the sun is shining, the adults are out soaring over the fields and the babies are just about ready to give it a shot!  I hope to get some decent pictures.

It’s fun at any rate.

So, let’s move on to the fun stuff.

My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage. He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my Mom would be like.

It seems the minister asked my Mom, “Do you take this man to be your husband.” And she said, “I do.”

Then the minister asked my Dad, “Do you take this woman to be your wife,” and my Mom said, “He does.”

A little girl was wearing one of those Medical Alert bracelets.

Someone asked her what the bracelet was for.

She replied, “I’m allergic to nuts and eggs.”

The person asked, “Are you allergic to dogs or cats?”

The little girl said, “I don’t know….. I’ve never eaten a dog or cat.”

At the end of Chuck Lorre’s shows, he has a quick vanity card where he puts…something.  His latest one I like a lot.

CHUCK LORRE PRODUCTIONS, #724

You cannot have my language.

It is my right to describe the world as I see it, using words of my choosing.

If those words offend you, too bad.

Be offended.

Or just simply ignore me.

My feelings will not be hurt.

Your feelings, on the other hand, are as fragile as a snot bubble leaking from a stupid child’s nose.

You understand why, as a writer and an essayist, why I like those words.

Even as a young dragon, my proclivities were quite apparent.  

We keep getting wonderful pictures from the Dragon Forest.

My backyard, in the rain, at night.  I love the way the light is playing off the wet bare branches.

My wife and I were browsing in a crafts store when I noticed a display of country-style musical instruments.

After looking over the flutes, dulcimers and recorders, I picked up a shiny, one-stringed instrument I took to be a mouth harp.

I put it to my lips and, much to the amusement of other shoppers, twanged a few notes on it.

After watching from a distance, my wife came up and whispered in my ear, “I hate to tell you this, honey, but you’re trying to play a cheese slicer.”

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complained, “I’ve been a little sick to my stomach.”

The older doctor said, “Well, you’ve probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why don’t you cut back on the amount you’ve been eating and see if that does the trick?”

As they left the younger man said, “You didn’t even examine that woman. How’d you come to your diagnosis so quickly?”

“I didn’t have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick.”

“Hmmm,” the younger doctor said, “Pretty clever. I think I’ll try that at the next house.”

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just didn’t have the energy she once did. “I’m feeling terribly run down lately.”

“You’ve probably been doing too much extra work for the church,” the younger doctor told her. “Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps.”

As they left, the elder doc said, your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?

“Well, just like you did at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed.”

My quick react team at Dragon Laffs, Inc.

Bob is going on vacation and sees a golf course and a sign that says “Get help from a Pro.”

So Bob thinks to himself wow I can get some help with my golf game. So he goes there and says to the pro “I’m going to hit a couple of golf balls and then will you tell me what I’m doing wrong?”

The pro says “yeah sure.”

So Bob hits the first one and it goes to the right. Bob asks what he was doing wrong the pro says “loft”.

Bob thinks to himself “loft” what’s that? Bob says “oh well” and hits another one this one goes to the right and Bob asks the pro “What did I do wrong this time?”

The pro again says “loft”. Bob thinks to himself “loft again” and hits another ball this one goes about 50 yds high and 100 yds out on the fairway. So Bob asks “What did I do wrong that time?”

Again the pro says “loft”. This time Bob asks the pro what “loft” means. The pro answers: “lack of flippin’ talent”

A group of attorneys had to measure the height of a flag pole for evidence to support a lawsuit. 

They went out to the flagpole with ladders and a tape measure. 

They proceed to fall off the ladders and drop the tape measure, the whole thing was just a mess. 

An engineer comes along and sees what they’re trying to do. 

He walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurements to one of the attorneys and walks away. 

After the engineer has gone, one attorney turns to another and laughs. “Isn’t that just like an engineer. We’re looking for the height, and he gives us the length” 

Two mothers were talking about their sons.

The first said, “My son is such a saint. He works hard, doesn’t smoke, and he hasn’t so much as looked at a woman in over two years.”

The other woman said, “Well, my son is a saint himself. Not only hasn’t he not looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn’t touched a drop of liquor in all that time.”

“My word,” the first mother said. “You must be so proud.”

“I am,” the second mother replied. “And when he’s paroled next month, I’m going to throw him a big party.”

What Do You Call A Woman Who Puts Her Diaphragm In Crooked?

Mother

Another oldie from out dear friend and fellow camper and traveler Joe from NJ.

A 65-year-old woman had a heart attack. While on the operating table she had a near-death experience. Seeing God

she asked “Is my time up .

God said, “No, you have another 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.”

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
face-lift, liposuction, breast implants, and a tummy tuck.
She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her
teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing

the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, “I thought you said I had
another 33 years? Why didn’t you pull me from the path of the
ambulance?”

God replied: ” I didn’t recognize you.”

65 year-old having a heart attack and a near-death experience sounds so wrong to me!  I’M going to be 65 this year!  But, it’s weird, if I look inside, I’m about 17.  What the heck happened?  When did I get old?  It’s EXACTLY like they say, it goes by so fast.

And God said, ‘Let there be light’ and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

     -Terence Alan Milligan KBE (1918 – 2002), known as Spike Milligan

Campers, that’s called Biological Warfare.  And the Fentanyl that is being sold to Mexico by China and smuggled across the border to the United States with the express purpose of killing Americans, that, my dear friends is called Chemical Warfare.  What your president is not telling you and probably will not admit to himself is that WE ARE ALREADY AT WAR WITH CHINA.  Those of us in the business know.  Hey, I DO THIS FOR A LIVING, FOLKS.  CBRN Survival Instructor.  CBRN = Chemical, Biological, Radioactive, and Nuclear.  Like I said, we are already at war.  We just aren’t fighting back.

It is infuriating to me that our government, the people that we put in charge of our country (and I know there are those of you out there who are screaming one of two things:  #1: I didn’t vote for him! or #2: He got in by cheating and shouldn’t be there anyway.  Put both of those to the side for the time being, because if that was really the case, we would have put him out on his butt by now) are doing everything they can to destroy this great country of ours.  It’s too many things in a row to be anything other than a purposeful destruction of our country.  It is so wrong.

Two rednecks meet in a bar and decide that they weren’t going anywhere in life, so they decide to go to college to get ahead.

They hop in a pickup and drive to the nearest university. While the second one waits out in the hall, the first goes in to one of the rooms and finds a professor who advises him to take Math, History, and Logic. “What’s Logic?” asks the redneck.

The professor replies, “Let me give you an example: Do you own a weedeater?”

“I sure do,” grins the redneck.

“Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard,” replies the professor.

“That’s real good,” the redneck responds in awe.

The professor continues: “Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house.”

Impressed, the redneck shouts “AMAZIN’!”

“And since you own a house, logic suggests that you have a wife.”

“Betty Mae… this is incredible!”

“Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual,” says the professor.

“You’re absolutely right! Why that’s the most fascinatin’ thing I ever heard of. I cain’t wait to take this here logic class.”

The first redneck, grinning ear to ear with pride at the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway where his friend is waiting.

“So what classes are ya takin’?” the friend asks.

“Math,History, and Logic,” replies the first redneck.

“What in tarnation is Logic?” asks the friend.

“Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weedeater?”

“No,” says his friend. “You’re queer, ain’t ya?

A recent bride called her mother one evening in tears.  “Oh, Mom, I tried to make Grandmother’s meat loaf for dinner tonight, and it’s just awful! I followed the recipe exactly, and I know I have the recipe right because it’s the one you gave me. But it just didn’t come out right, and I’m so upset. I wanted this to be so special for George because he loves meat loaf.  What could have gone wrong?” 

Her mother replied soothingly, “Well, dear, let’s go through the recipe. You read it out loud and tell me exactly what you did at each step, and together we’ll figure it out.” 

“OK,” the bride sniffled. “Well, it starts out, ‘ Take fifty cents worth of ground beef ‘…” 

While on vacation, Little Johnny’s Daddy took one afternoon to see historic sites downtown.

Two young families were also in line to the see the sites.

Little Johnny struck up a conversation with one of the boys in line.

“My name is Kirby. What’s yours?” asked the first boy.

“Johnny”.

“My Daddy’s an accountant. What does your Pop do for a living?” asked the first boy.

Little Johnny replied, “My Daddy’s a lawyer.”

“Honest?” asked Kirby.

Johnny replied, “No, just the regular kind.”

An old lady’s husband had just died and she felt their was no reason to live anymore.

She called the doctor and asked exactly where her heart was.

He told her it should be under her left breast.

That night she went to the emergency room with a bullet in the knee.

Awwww!!!!

Here’s another one from Joe from NJ who starts off with:

Impish, read a book many years ago that said there were no new jokes. Only old ones that keep cycling. This one is extremely old and was supposedly on a subway train:

On a step, a priest sat next to a drunk struggling to read a newspaper.

That cat looks really irritated.  

Sitting here on Saturday morning, with the news on in the background, getting ready to go to a funeral for a member of the church.  I didn’t know him very well.  23 people killed in Mississippi from devastating tornadoes that went through last night.  Some of the pictures they are showing are truly horrendous.  Biden will send money to French students who are concerned with sex change operations before he will send money to Mississippi.  We pray that God is with all the people there in the coming days and helps them to get through this tragedy.

Chocolate factory in Pennsylvania explodes overnight killing two people.  Another tragedy.

Missile attacks on our bases in Syria.  Killing an American contractor and injuring several military personnel.  Attacks on our bases have increased dramatically since Biden has become president.  The Whitehouse’s reaction?  Well, these things happen.  We shouldn’t over react.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!  Until we make those places that launched the attack into parking lots they are just going to continue.  And when we actually apologize for them, they are going to multiply.  You weak minded, spineless idiot!

I could just cry.  It is actually bringing a tear to my eye as I write this.  I am so frustrated.  Not only with the incredibly weak leadership being demonstrated in our country, but the fact that the other members of my once strong country are just sitting by and letting it all go on.  And even worse, the insane democratic morons who actually AGREE with what he is doing.  

Okay, I want to end with this one, also from Joe from NJ.  It’s called:

What are ten truths everyone should accept in life?

The most important thing you will ever learn is how to manage your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors.
Your life will pass faster than you realize. Don’t wait for “someday” to take action on what is really important to you.
Care for your body and mind like the temple it is. You only get one of each for each trip through life.
Life is short and then you die. No one will remember you in a few generations, or even sooner. Therefore, stop trying to make others happy, and focus on what enriches your life and the life of those around you.
Your thoughts are not the truth. Don’t listen to the negative crap in your head. It’s not true.
Life is magical and beautiful. This isn’t necessarily true, but adopting this perspective will enhance the quality of your life and train you to find the good in life.
You will fail. You will lose people you love. You will be hurt and betrayed by people you have trusted. Don’t let any of this define you. Be defined by Who You Really Are – your deepest truth and values.
Speaking of values – KNOW YOURS and design your life accordingly.
Having a clear mission and purpose increases life satisfaction.
Relationships = longevity. Cultivate a happy, healthy, loving support network by being the kind of person that others want to be around.

Thank you Joe.  That one hit me really hard.  It really did.  Thanks.

And thanks to all of you for tuning in today.  May God Bless you all  with Love and Happiness until we meet again.

Good Saturday Morning.  Yesterday was Mary’s Birthday.  Happy Birthday my truest love.  I love you and miss you, but know you are in total joy and bliss.  I can’t wait to see you again,  Now, true in advertising, I’m writing this on Thursday night.  IF you are reading this, then odds are that I made it through Friday alright.  From the front end on Thursday, I’m already teary-eyed and upset.  It’s late and I don’t want to go to bed because then I have to go to sleep.  If I go to sleep then I have to wake up.  And if I wake up then it will be Friday and Friday is Mary’s birthday.  She would have been 55 years old.  

I really thought it would’ve been easier this year.  

Anyway, here’s to hoping you guys are reading this on Saturday.  In the meantime, let’s get some laughs going.

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing, when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness Monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both.

As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, “Oh, my God! Help me!”

At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, “I thought you didn’t believe in Me?”

“Come on, God, give me a break!” the man pleaded. “Two minutes ago, I didn’t believe in the Loch Ness Monster either!”

As the bus pulled away, I realized I had left my handbag under the seat.

Later I called the company and was relieved that the driver had found my bag. When I went to pick it up, several off-duty bus drivers surrounded me.

One man handed me my purse, two typewritten pages and a box containing the contents of my handbag. “We’re required to inventory lost wallets and hanbags,” he explained.

“I think you’ll find everything there.” As I started to put my belongings back into the bag, the man continued, “I hope you don’t mind if we watch. Even though we all tried, none of us could fit everything into your purse. And we’d like to see just how you do it.”

I took my 4 year-old son Josh, out to McDonald’s for dinner one evening for a “guy night”.

As we were eating our hamburgers, Josh asked “Daddy, what are these little things on the hamburger buns?”

I responded that they were tiny seeds and were ok to eat.

He was quiet for a couple of minutes and I could tell he was in deep thought.

Finally, Josh looked up and said, “Dad, if we go home and plant these seeds in our backyard, we will have enough hamburgers to last forever.”

It sounds silly, but I’ve actually had it happen to me.  That exact same issue.  My check bag was two pounds over weight.  I had to take two pounds worth of stuff out and put it on my carry-on.

“You little witch!  You come back here right now!  Those are MY GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!!”

I couldn’t have said it better myself.  You have zero credibility buddy.

Mine has a much angrier attitude…

It’s always the darn Bobs of the world that cause all the problems!

Have you guys seen “Jesus Revolution”?  I saw it last week.  I can’t remember if I told you guys about it or not.  Great movie.  I really enjoyed it.  I laughed, I cried.  It was fun.  In that vein, there is a real, live Jesus Revolution going on in our country right now.  It’s not very large or strong, but it is happening.  It’s growing and getting stronger.  Here’s another example:

New Reports of Revival, 21 Baptisms at Purdue – Evangelist Chastises Critics, ‘God Is Moving, It’s Just Starting’

As the flames of the Holy Spirit continue to spread across the nation, there are new reports of young people answering the gospel’s call. And one noted evangelist says he believes “it’s just starting.”

As CBN News reported, it all started as a spark on the campus of Asbury University, where thousands of Christians gathered for two weeks of Spirit-led worship, prayer, and repentance.  The outpouring has since touched the hearts and minds of young people on both Christian and secular university campuses, churches, and youth events. 

One place where the outpouring is being felt is Purdue University in West Lafayette, Indiana. At a recent meeting, 300 students came to join the Collegiate Day of Prayer simulcast from Asbury in Wilmore, Kentucky. Dr. Malachi O’Brien posted to Twitter on Wednesday that the students brought in a pool for what they thought would be three baptisms – instead 21 people came forward to be baptized.

In an email to CBN News, Pastor Dave Shockey of the Purdue Christian Campus House gave even more details about what happened on the Boilermaker campus. 

“A week before the National Day of Prayer, some of our student leaders were thinking about going to Asbury, but felt like God asked them to stay at Purdue and do an event here. They asked me what I thought, and we’ve hosted prayer and worship events a bunch of different times for the NCDOP (National Collegiate Day of Prayer) over the years. We quickly pulled together an event,” Shockey recalled. 

“Several ministries at Purdue joined together for the night, especially Campus House (my church), Greek InterVarsity, and Chi Alpha who decided to cancel their big meeting and join the collaborative prayer and worship event. We had students from a lot of other churches and ministries there as well including Cru, BYX, and Stewart cooperative. We also had some pastors from Indianapolis join, as well as 420 ministries in Indy who led worship for the first half of the night,” the pastor explained.

“We had a couple of students who’d recently met the Lord through our Alpha ministry want to get baptized so we had scheduled part of the night for their baptisms,” he continued. 

“The night was focused on reflecting and praising God for how good he was. We talked about baptism and baptized the students who had planned to be baptized. Made an invitation for any others who wanted to be baptized and a line started to form. We baptized about 8-10 more people and had to pause so we could keep worshipping and praying. Students shared testimonies and praises. Other students led corporate repentance and prayer,” Shockey recalled.  

“It was really sweet, but the baptisms just didn’t stop. By the end of the night, we’d baptized at least 21 people but we’re not completely sure the whole number because many pastors and leaders from different congregations were baptizing their people,” the Campus House pastor said. 

“It was a wild night. All said and done we prayed and worshipped for more than 4.5 hours and God moved,” he concluded.  

“It’s Spreading” 

Don’t think the revival is continuing? Just ask evangelist Nick Hall. He recently told Charisma News (CN) during an exclusive interview that the revival is not gone, “it’s spreading.”

“God is moving. It’s not over. It’s just starting,” Hall said. “I only left Asbury because I felt like I had to bring it home.”

Like Hall, many people who visited Asbury felt rejuvenated and renewed by the Holy Spirit. They understood the urgency that this outpouring is not meant to die—it is meant to spread, according to the CN. 

“Literally that day we changed our plans for an event in downtown Minneapolis,” Hall explained. “I’m calling my charismatic friends asking them to mentor me now, help me understand all the miracles I’m seeing… because the Holy Spirit is just so on the move.”

Hall and his Pulse ministry held an event in downtown Minneapolis, Minnesota. More than 600 people showed up at the impromptu worship service that ran 53 hours and was filled with repentance, healing, literal addictions being broken, and marriages being healed, he recalled. 

“I’m just seeing this breakout everywhere,” Hall told the CN. “You can’t end revival, revival isn’t owned by anyone, and it didn’t start by anyone. It’s a move of God, and if anything, on Thursday night, there was a release of what God had started and it had already spread.”

In a video message posted to Facebook on Monday, the evangelist is encouraging all churches to go see the Jesus Revolution movie because he believes “it’s a playbook” for how God wants to send revival to the U.S. again. He said our busyness and our plans are in the way of revival. 

“God is at work,” Hall shared. “And when God is at work, you just have to stay attuned, and in tune with the Spirit. And just keep your sails up to say, ‘God, Would you move. Would you have your way. Would you do what only you would do.'”

“I believe this is a revival moment,” he said. “I believe it’s just starting. I believe we are on the brink of more. And I think everywhere people are hungry, God is willing to move.

My wife and I were watching a show on The Discovery Channel titled, “A Dog’s World.” 

One segment focused on dogs practice of urinating everywhere to define who they are and whose territory it is, among many other things. “Basically,” the narrator said, “dogs are leaving each other messages.” 

I looked at my wife and said, “So I guess we could call it p-mail.” 

• The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest.  
  • You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down.”  
    • T.S. Elliot

• “At age 20, we worry about what others think of us;  
  • at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us; …
  • at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all.”  
    • Ann Landers

• “The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget.”  
  • • Unknown

• “It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, 
  • but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.”  
    • Andy Rooney

• “The older I get, the better I used to be.”  
  • • Lee Trevino

• “I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a lot more as they get older, 
  • and then it dawned on me — they’re cramming for their final exam.”  
    • George Carlin

• “Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, 
  • it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does.”  
    • J. Norman Collie

• “To get back to my youth I would do anything in the world, 
  • except exercise, get up early, or be respectable.”  
    • Oscar Wilde

• “The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.”  
  • • Will Rogers

• “We must recognize that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – 
  • more and more repairs and replacements are necessary.”  
    • C.S. Lewis

• “Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.”  
  • • Jennifer Yane

• “I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued.”  
  • • Bill Dana

• “The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened.”  
  • • Mark Twain

• “Old people shouldn’t eat healthy foods.  
  • They need all the preservatives they can get.”  
    • Robert Orben

The Stairway to Heaven

Comedians say some funny things…

George Carlin:  

• Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”? 

Zach Galifianakis: 

• I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.     

Joan Rivers:  

• The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.

Amy Schumer:  

• Nothing good ever happens in a blackout. I’ve never woken up and been like, “What is this Pilates mat doing out?” 

Emo Philips: 

•  I like to play chess with old men in the park, although it’s hard to find 32 of them.    

Jerry Seinfeld:  

• A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.

Richard Pryor: – I believe in the institution of marriage, and I intend to keep trying until I get it right.

Jean Carroll:  

• The thing that attracted me to my husband was his pride. I’ll never forget the first time I saw him, standing up on a hill, his hair blowing in the breeze — and he too proud to run and get it.

Bill Hicks:   

• Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don’t know one child with a full-time job and children.

Ali Wong:  

• If I ever do a nude scene, I want to be in shape just enough so nobody calls me “courageous” for doing it.

Steven Wright:  

• I went to a place to eat. It said “breakfast at any time.” So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Wanda Sykes:   

• To me, political office should be like jury duty. You should just get a notice in mail one day and be like, “I’m Secretary of State next month!”

Mitch Hedberg:  

• I like an escalator, man. Because an escalator cannot break. It just becomes stairs.

Chris Rock:  

• Yeah, I love being famous. It’s almost like being white, y’know?

Tig Notaro:  

• I was one of those kids that finished school early… by dropping out. 

Rodney Dangerfield:  

• I drink too much. Last time I gave a urine sample, there was an olive in it.

Demetri Martin:  

• I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I’m good at everything.

Janeane Garofalo:  

• My hell is going to be the Stairmaster wing of Dante’s inferno, where they’re going to tape my feet to the pedals and the only music I get is Michael Bolton karaoke-style.

Ricky Gervais:  

• I’ve never worked out what the moral of Humpty Dumpty is. I can only think of: Don’t sit on a wall if you’re an egg.

As a man was about to stop off for a cold one after work, he noticed a nun trying to look in the small window. Being friendly he asked her if she’d like to go in and see what the place looks like.

“I don’t think I should” she replied.

He explained that he would be with her and she’d learn about it.

Reluctantly she went in and they sat at a table in a dark corner. The man asked if she’d like to have a drink.

“I’d like to try a Martoony that I’ve heard about she replied.

The man went to the bar and ordered. “I’ll have a cold beer and one ‘Martoony’.

The bartender looked at him and said: “MARTOONY?” “Is that darn nun in here again?”

Two little old ladies, Connie, and Jean were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.
The short one, Jean, leaned over and said, “Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $10 I’d take my clothes off and streak through that stupid, boring flower show”!
“You’re on!” said Connie, holding up a $10 bill.
So, Jean slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes.
She grabbed a dried flower from a nearby display and held it between her teeth. Then, completely naked, she streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.☺
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.
Finally, the smiling Jean came through the exit door to the sounds of a cheering, clapping crowd.
“What happened?” asked Connie.
“I won $1,000 as 1st prize for ‘Best Dried Arrangement’!”
Life is short…
Break the rules 

Okay, so I feel dirty just reading that.  That’s gotta be wrong.

At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend. 

“Don’t you want her name engraved upon it?” asked the jeweler. 

The young man thought for a moment, and then, ever the pragmatic, steadfastly replied, “No, just engrave it: To My One And Only Girl. That way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again.” 

As a history buff, I was looking forward to staying in a hotel in Salisbury, England, that dated back to the 13th century. 

But when I arrived, the hotel clerk gave me some bad news–my room was in the new section. 

Disappointed, I asked when the ‘new’ section had been built. 

“In the 1600s,” she replied apologetically. 

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.  

She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with them.  

She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating. – 

She walked up to the group and with a big smile asked, “Do you men know Jesus Christ?” 

They shook their heads and looked at each other.  

One of the workers looked up into the steelwork and yelled, “Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?” 

One of the steelworkers asked why. 

The worker yelled, “His wife is here with his lunch”. 

Here’s an oldie from our own resident oldie, Joe from NJ.  (Sorry Joe, I couldn’t help myself.) (LOL!)

A very avid golfer was lined up and ready on the 17th tee when out of the woods came a naked girl who ran past him and into the woods on the other side of the tee. Being the avid golfer he was, he once again beared down on the ball and right in the middle of his backswing a guy in a white coat ran out of the woods and asked him if a naked lady ran past. 

Our golfer said “Yes, she ran into the woods.” 

The guy in the white coat said thanks and ran after her. Our golfer again prepared to hit the ball when all of a sudden another man in a white coat came out of the woods carrying a 5 gallon bucket of sand and asked if he had seen a man in a white coat come through here chasing a naked lady. He said, “Yes, they ran that way through the woods.” 

The man said thanks and started to run off when the golfer stopped him and asked, “Hey, what’s going on?” 

The guy explained, “You see we work at a sanitarium institution nearby and every now and then that girl gets away and all she wants to do is get naked and fuck.” 

The golfer then asked, “Well what’s the bucket of sand for?” 

The guy in the white coat said, “Oh, that’s my handicap. You see, I caught her last time!” 

And how many of you out there remember who that is?  What show he was on?

A hospital posted a notice in the nurse’s lounge saying: “Remember, the first five minutes of a human being’s life are the most dangerous.”

Underneath, a nurse had written: “The last five are pretty risky, too.”

And with that thrilling picture in our heads…if you’re older…we’re going to call it a day.  I’ve made it to noon on Friday.  Think I’ll take Izzy out to lunch and then when I come back, start on Monday’s issue.  So far today, so good.  Thanks for being there for me today, my dearest friends.  I really do appreciate all of you.  You have helped.  Each and every one of you being there.  I can feel each one of you on the other end of this keyboard.  I know you are there.  Thank you, with all my heart.  For now, may our Father in Heaven bless you with Love and Happiness until next we meet.