A lot of people I know are getting sick with the Election Variant of Covid.  It started a bit early.  But, it will probably give them a good excuse to start their mask mandates and their shot mandates and all the other controls they want to put into place.  

The thing is, I don’t think it’s going to work out for them this time like it did for them last time.  Even the sheep aren’t going to go along with the nonsense rules this time around.  Too many people learned too many different things that just weren’t true last time around.  

Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.

Anyway, While you’re reading this, I’m probably at a special event for the Substance Abuse Prevention Council of Miami County as a representative of Miami County Living Free.  Boy, that’s a lot of words in a row.  We’ll have a table/booth set up there and pass out pamphlets and try to help some people with life controlling problems.

I wish they could all be helped with laughter…sometimes it goes beyond that.  But, for us, let’s get our fix going.

Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. 

After inquiring about each other’s health one asked how the other’s husband was doing. 

“Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!” 

“Oh dear! I’m very sorry.” replied her friend “What did you do?” 

“Opened a can of peas instead.” 

We are now in for a plethora of Dilbert!! 

I was commuting from the Borough of Queens to my job in Manhattan. I’d finished reading the morning paper and was saving it to bring to friends on the job.

How do you save a newspaper on the subway? You sit on it.

A new commuter came in, saw the newspaper under my rear end and asked the second most stupid question I’ve ever heard, “Are you reading that paper?”

I stood up, turned the page, sat right back down on the paper and answered, “Yes.”

Computer Literacy

So you think you’re computer-illiterate?

Check out the following excerpts from a Wall Street Journal article — this from some years back when CD-ROM drives were standard. But since “You can’t fix stupid,” this still applies today.

1. Compaq is considering changing the command “Press Any Key” to “Press Return Key” because of the flood of calls asking where the “Any” key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn’t read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.

4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.

5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.

6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn’t get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the “send” key.

7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. “Yeah, I got me a couple of friends, “the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, “Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks.”

8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was “bad and an invalid”. The tech explained that the computer’s “bad command” and “invalid” responses shouldn’t be taken personally.

10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn’t get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, “I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens.” The “foot pedal” turned out to be the computer’s mouse.

11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn’t work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked “What power switch?”

12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:

Caller: “Hello, is this Tech Support?”
Tech: “Yes, it is. How may I help you?”
Caller: “The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?”
Tech: “I’m sorry, but did you say a cup holder?”
Caller: “Yes, it’s attached to the front of my computer.”
Tech: “Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It’s because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?”
Caller: “It came with my computer, I don’t know anything about a promotional. It just has ‘4X’ on it.”

At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn’t stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!

“Burp!  Gotta love those afternoon snacks!”

I would like to take a moment to thank some more  contributors, 

Kristine M.     Theodore K.     Robert B.

Your generosity is much appreciated.  Truly, all of you guys are the best.  Still a little time left for you guys to get in on the action.  Every little bit helps.  You can hit the donate button at the top right hand column of the web page or if you don’t like to use PayPal, you can write to me at any of my numerous email addresses and I can send you the snail mail address and you can send a check or something to that effect.

impishdragon@dragonlaffs.com     impishdragon@gmail.com     impishdragon@hotmail.com

More Help Desk Calls…

In my 5+ decades in the computer business, I’ve seen some really bad operator failures, but here are the 3 of the worst that come to mind:

At an unnamed university affiliated hospital in NC, an operator placed a bucket on top of a computer rack to catch a drip from condensation off the A/C duct. You guessed it, the bucket finally filled and overflowed into the rack and then was overturned into the rack by the operator while trying to remove it. Cost (insurance claim): 180 K$

NOAA was setting up 3 separate mirrored locations with all their accumulated weather data – 384TB. The method was to purchase 3 systems, set them up side by side and over months, all the data from tape was copied onto the 3 machines. One then remained in DC. The other two had all the disks removed and labeled and then were shipped in air conditioned trucks (to prevent moisture condensation on the disk platters) to the two remote locations – one in WV and one in NC. These were complicated storage systems using an ADIC shared file system, an SGI system controller and > 500 drives in multiple racks. The one in NC was constantly experiencing issues due to relatively unskilled contractors. One night, one of the contractors was playing around with the ADIC file system and provisioning new INodes. He unintentionally provisioned 1,000 new INodes OVER the root INode structure, essentially wiping out 384TB of data with a single keystroke. The file system company sent two engineers on site for a month, but finally gave up and could not recover the data. The system was disassembled and sent back to DC to be re mirrored which took months. Set back the entire program by months and cost untold amounts of $.

And finally, a contractor admin working in the data center of a major bank one night accidentally knocked the plastic cover off the EPO (emergency power off) button in the data center. While replacing the cover, he accidentally hit the button instantly taking down the entire data center (in a very ungraceful manner) and over 200 ATM locations for roughly a day. The bank fired not only the CIO, but also the contracting company, who then went bankrupt, plus the bank sued them and they sued the bank. I heard this one directly from the sad individual who accidentally pushed the button while we were interviewing him for an SE position. (As I recall, we hired him, partly based on his honesty)

A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish.

They are in Heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, ‘Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?’

She giggles and shyly replies, ‘Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.’ St. Peter says, ‘Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.’

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question; ‘Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?’ The girl is a little reluctant but replies, ‘Well, once I fondled and stroked one.’ St. Peter says, ‘Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.’

All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls.. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St. Peter says, ‘Reeva, What seems to be the rush?’

The girl replies, ‘If I’m going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it!’

Relaxing before dinner

That has got to be in the World’s Top 5 Book Shelves!

Pulled out a nose hair today to see if it hurt…

Judging by the reaction of the man asleep next to me on the bus, it seems pretty painful…

Yup.  That’s about right.

Okay, Ladies Please!  Pay attention, PLEASE!

It’s “Fell In Love”

NOT “Felon Love”

You all deserve so much better than that.

My best friend passed away recently.  Grieving before his grave I said, “Bro, I really missed you.  My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now.  How about you reincarnate as my child?”

One month later, my wife gave birth to a big boy.  As my child grew older each day, I realized he looks a lot like my best friend.  I’m really happy that my prayer worked…

I hate strip clubs.

I can’t touch her, she won’t touch me, I can’t touch myself, and she gets all my cash.

It’s like being home with the wife!

When I was in class 7, I used to ask a lot of questions…!

One day, I asked my English Teacher, “Why do we ignore some letters in pronunciation eg. the letter H …in hour, Honor…etc. …????

My English Teacher said, “We are not ignoring them; they’re considered silent”

(I was even more confused…????)

During the lunch break, my Teacher gave me her packed lunch and asked me to heat it in the Cafeteria. 

I ate all the food and returned her the empty container….!!!!

My English Teacher:  What happened?  I told you to go and HEAT my food, you are returning me an empty container.

I replied, “Madam, I thought ‘H’ was silent.”

Dedicated to all English Teachers

I’m actually weirder than you think.

If it wasn’t for the fact that they actually used that one, it would be much funnier than it is.

I have 1,000 Mars bars in my fridge and my friend has 1 in his.  I pressured him into giving his to a homeless person.  This is how celebrity charity appeals work.

The Sargasso Sea, a region in the middle of the North Atlantic Ocean, is the only sea that has no coast

You don’t get a body like mine overnight. 

It takes years of moderate neglect and bacon.

How come bills never go on sale?

Like rent 25% off or pay 2 electricity bills and get the next one free.

I was asked what I look for in a relationship.  Apparently, “A Way Out” wasn’t the right answer.

A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Vegas. She’s down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, “What rotten luck I’ve had today! What in the world should I do now?”

A man standing next to her suggests, “I don’t know… why don’t you play your age?”

He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.

The man is stunned. He asks, “What happened? Is she all right?”

The operator replies, “I don’t know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!”

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing  they notice about a woman is their eyes.

And  women say the first thing they notice about men is  they’re a bunch of liars.

There was this Asian lady married to an English gentleman and they lived in the Isle of Man.

The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but managed to communicate with her husband.

The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs.

She didn’t know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs.

The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs.

The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts.

Again, she didn’t know how to say, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast.

The lady got what she wanted.

The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store…

 

(Please scroll page down.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What were you thinking?

 

Helloooooooooo, her husband speaks English!!

 

I got myself a senior’s GPS.  Not only does it tell me how to get to my destination, it tells me why I wanted to go there.

I made a huge To Do list for today.

I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.

I’m a little ticked off.  Well, I’m a lot ticked off. And quite a bit disappointed.  I’ve told you before about Izzy Dragon asking me about why I vote Republican.  My answer, well, I don’t ALWAYS vote Republican, but mostly they represent the kind of things I believe in much more closely than any other party, so that is why.  Then she threw this up in my face.  Congress Woman Lauren Boebert of Colorado escorted out of “Beetlejuice” musical in Denver after “causing a disturbance” and Video shows Rep. Boebert giving middle finger to “Beetlejuice” usher and other headlines.  Then she read me excerpts from the articles.  Apparently, this republican Congress woman was vaping in the theater and when a nearby PREGNANT woman asked her to stop (politely) she said No and proceeded to call her names and denigrate her.  Her and her friends were loud and obnoxious in the theater and when asked by the staff to quiet down her response was “Do you know who I am?”  Which just irritates the crap out of me.  Finally the police had to be called and she threatened to call the mayor and she was escorted out.

Now, I know the odds of her ever seeing this are slim to none and I was going to actually write her a personal letter, but I really didn’t think that would get anyone’s attention, so I thought, well maybe …maybe someone will see it here and if nothing else, I get to say my piece publicly. 

Miss Boebert, I have spent over 30 years of my life serving this country and one thing that I’ve learned above and beyond any thing else is that one of our biggest responsibilities we have as public servants is to set a good example.  Do we know who you are?  Yes ma’am.  We most certainly do know who you are.  You are our employee.  You work for us.  Just like I work for them.  You and I both answer to them.  It is our duty, our responsibility to give them our very best ALL THE TIME.  We should be setting the example.  Plus, you are representing the Republican party.  How are we supposed to hold you up as being better than the moronic democrats when you refused to stop vaping, illegally I might add, when a pregnant lady asked you to?  You should be ashamed of yourself.  I’m ashamed for you.  I’m ashamed to be associated as belonging to the same government workforce that you belong to.  My mother raised me better than that.  My Drill Sergeant definitely did.  Now, I have to explain to my daughter that, just like not all people who call themselves Christian are actually Christian, not all people who call themselves Republican…not, scratch that…not all people who call themselves public servants actually give a care about the public they are supposed to be serving.

Anyway campers, if you’re interested in reading the articles you can find them easily enough and that’s it for me.  May God Bless you with Love and Happiness until we meet again.

Well, it’s Thursday, if you’re reading this then we’ve made it through another couple of days.  I’m looking at it from Sunday afternoon while the recording of my church’s service plays on my TV.  It’s still the beginning where our worship team is singing and playing and it sounds beautiful. 

“I know how the story ends.  We will be with You again.  You’re my Savior my defense.  No more fear in life or death.  I’m fighting a battle you’ve already won.  No matter what comes my way, I will overcome.  Don’t know what You’re doing, but I know what You’ve done.” 

I think I probably missed a few words in-between there somewhere, but you get the gist of it.  I can’t believe how much has been impressed upon me lately to … I don’t know … help (?) people. or maybe just care about people. 

I’ve had an interesting couple of days…

And now it’s Wednesday and I’m getting back to this opening before I wrap up this issue.  The anniversary of 9/11 has passed and my week is partially over.  Things have gone just as strangely this week as they started out.  Had an at home sleep study last night that I completely screwed up and will have to take over again.  I will not be having my Jail Ministry tonight (Wednesday) because my partner is sick.  I won’t go do the jail by myself.  Not sure yet whether I will be doing the Thursday night class or not.  Will depend on whether I can get someone to open the doors for me or not.   

Anyway, I’ve rambled on enough, it’s time for you guys to get to the fun part., so…

“Doctor, Doctor, You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking!”

“Do you drink a lot?”

“Not really – I spill most of it!”

When one wishes to unlock a door but has has only one hand free, the keys are in the opposite pocket. (Von Fumbles Law)

A door will snap shut only when you have left the keys inside. (Yale Law of Destiny)

When one’s hands are covered with oil, grease, or glue, your nose will start to itch. (Law of Ichiban)

Your insurance will cover everything but what has happened. (Insurance So Sorry Law)

When things seem to be going well, you’ve probably forgotten to do something. (Cheney’s Second Corollary)

When things seem easy to do, it’s because you haven’t followed all the instructions. (Destiny Awaits Law)

If you keep your cool when everyone else is losing his, it’s probably because you have not realized the seriousness of the problem. (Law of Gravitas)

Most problems are not created or solved; they only change appearances. (Einstein’s Law of Persistence)

You will run to answer the telephone just as the party hangs up on you. (Principle of Dingaling)

Whenever you connect with the Internet, the call you’ve been waiting for all day will arrive. (Principle of Bellsouth)

If there are only two programs on TV that are worth your time, they will always be at the same time. (Law of Wasteland)

The cost is always higher than one budgets for, and it is exactly 3.14 times higher, hence the importance of pi. (Law of Pi Eyed)

The probability that one will spill food on one’s clothes is directly proportional to the need to be clean. (Law of Campbell Scoop)

Each and every body submerged in a bathtub will cause the phone to ring. (Law of Yes Now)

Each and every body sitting on a commode will cause the doorbell to ring. (Law of Ding Dong)

Wind velocity will increase proportionally to the cost of one’s hairdo. (The Don King Principle)

After discarding something not used for years, you will need it one week later. (Law of Fatal Irreversibility)

Arriving early for an appointment will cause the receptionist to be absent, and if one arrives late, everyone else has arrived before you. (Law of Delay)

Do not take life too seriously, because in the end, you won’t come out alive anyway. (Theory of Absolute Certainty)

Two friends, one an Optimist and the other a Pessimist could never quite agree on any topic of discussion.

One day the Optimist decided he had found a good way to pull his Pessimistic friend out of his way of continual Pessimistic way of thinking.

The Optimist owned a huntin’ dog that could walk on water.

His plan? Take the Pessimist and the dog out duck hunting in a boat.

They got out into the middle of the lake, and the Optimist shot down a duck…the dog immediately walked out across the water, retrieved the duck, and walked back to the boat.

The Optimist looked at his Pessimistic friend and said, “What do you think about that?”

The Pessimist replied, “That dog can’t swim, can he?”

Because it’s an awesome pencil drawing

This is an excellent story…

We blonds at the ofise are tierd of all the, the dum stoopid jokes about us.

We think this is hairassment. It causes us graite stress and makes our roots turn dark.

We have hierd a loyer and he is talking to the loyers at Clairol.

We will take this all the way to the supreem cort if we have two. Juj Thomas knos all about hairassment and he will be on are side. We of also talked to the govner to make a new law to stop this pursicushun. We want a law that makes peepol tell brewnet jokes as much as blond jokes and every so offen a red hed joke. If we don’t get our way we will not date anybody that ain’t blond and we will make up jokes about you and we will laff.

Sined by the blonds at the ofise:

XOXOXOXOOXOXOXOX

XOXOXOXOOXOXOXOX

(sined with a pensul so you can erace it if you make a mistake

A girl sat sobbing in the police station. “I . . . I was raped by an Irishman,” she wailed.

“How do you know it was an Irishman?” the officer asked.

“I had to help him,” the girl replied.

A boy and his pet…

Three very macho mice are standing around trying to outdo each other.

The first mouse says, “You know those little pellets they put out around the house trying to poison us?

I love those things. I eat ’em like candy.”

The second mouse, not to be outdone says, “Oh yeah? Well, you know those mousetraps they put out to try to catch us?

What I do is get on the trap, grab the cheese, and then flip over onto my back, and when the steel bar comes swinging down I grab it and do bench presses with it.”

The third mouse says, “You guys are really a couple of tough mice, and I’d love to keep hanging out with you here, but I gotta go screw the cat.”

Because of lack of money, Angelina and her husband spent their wedding night at her parent’s house. In the evening Angelina and Tony went upstairs to their bedroom while Mama was in the kitchen making sauce for the evening meal.

Angelina was a virgin and had a lot to learn.

After a few minutes she came running down to the kitchen to her mother.

“Mama, Tony is kissing me all over!”

Her mother assured her it was ok and kept stirring the sauce as Angelina went back upstairs.

A few minutes later she came running back down.

“Mama, he wants to take my clothes off!”

Her mother said it was ok and Angelina went back up.

She soon was back telling her mother that Tony started taking HIS clothes off.

Mama continued stirring the sauce and told her it was ok so Angelina went back up.

Not only had she never seen a naked man, she was surprised to see that Tony had a club foot. She ran back to the kitchen yelling:

Mama, Mama, he’s got a foot and a half!!!

Mama looked at her and said:

“Angelina, you stir the sauce, I’ma going upstairs!!!

This one is called Reality Bites and was sent in by Steve…

“A machine like this is required to move 500 tons of earth/ ore which will be refined into one lithium car battery. 

How much fuel does a cat 994 use in 12 hours?

 

“This is a CAT994H,” the hysteria-fueled post reads. “It burns 1800 gallons of fuel in a 12 hour shift. This machine is required to move 500,000 lbs. of earth in order to get the minerals needed for ONE SINGLE Tesla car battery.

Lithium is refined from ore using sulfuric acid. The proposed lithium mine at Thacker Pass, Nevada is estimated to require up to 75 semi-loads of sulfuric acid a day.!  The acid does not turn into unicorn food as AOC believes.

Refining lithium has created several EPA SUPERFUND SITES.  IT IS VERY
TOXIC TO THE ENVIRONMENT.!

A battery in an electric car, let’s say an average Tesla, is made of:
25 pounds of lithium,
60 pounds of nickel,
44 pounds of manganese,
30 pounds of cobalt,
200 pounds of copper,
and
400 pounds of aluminum, steel, and plastic, etc…. averaging 750-1,000 pounds of minerals, that had to be mined and processed
into a battery that merely stores electricity…. Electricity which is generated by oil, gas, coal, or water ( and a tiny fraction of wind and solar )….

That is the truth, about the lie, of “green” energy.

There’s nothing green about the “Green New Deal”.

You people better learn how to vote or this nonsense will continue to flow down on top of you from the throne of government upon of which you put these people.

Stop drinking the Green New Deal’s sulfuric acid Kool-Aid.!

Dr. Phillip A. Fields
University of South Alabama
Mobile, Alabama 

We are all travelers in the wilderness of this world, and the best we can find in our travels is an honest friend.

– Robert Louis Stevenson (1850-1894)

The phone bill was exceptionally high and the man of the house called a family meeting.

Dad:  People this is unacceptable. You have to limit the use of the phone. I do not use this phone, I use the one at the office.

Mum:  Same here, I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone.

Son: Me too, I never use the home phone. I always use my company mobile.

Maid:  So what is the problem?  We all use our work telephones.

This is what happens when Dad is left in charge…

We were listening to a lecture on psychic phenomena in our Comparative Religions course. 

Our instructor told us about a woman who contacted police working on a missing-persons case. “She gave eerily detailed instructions on where to find the body,” the teacher said. 

“In fact, the detectives did find the body just as she had described. Now what would you call that kind of person?” 

While the rest of us pondered the question, a sheriff’s officer taking the course raised his hand and replied, “A suspect.” 

Read this question, come up  with an answer, and then scroll down to the bottom for the result. This is  not a trick question. It is as it reads. No one I know has gotten it right  – including me. (You’ll appreciate this fact soon enough…)

A  woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met this guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing, She believed him to be her dream and  she fell in love with him right there but did not ask for his number and no  matter how hard she tried she could not find him.

A few days  later she killed her sister.

Question: What is her motive in killing  her sister? Give this some thought before you answer. (Scroll Down)

 

 

 

Answer:  She was hoping the  guy would appear again at the next funeral.

If you answered this  correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test by a famous  American Psychologist used to test if one has the same mentality as a  killer.

Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and  answered the question correctly. If you didn’t answer the question  correctly – good for you.

If you got the answer correct, please  let me know so I can take you off of my email list — unless that will  tick you off, then I’ll just be extra nice to you from now on.

Well…I thought I was joking, but I actually said out loud, “Ha, ha, she probably thinks the guy will show back up to the next funeral. ha, ha, ha.”  So…what does that make me if I thought the correct answer was a JOKE?!?!  I need some serious help.

So, Ozzy is moving out of America to England because he thinks the USA is “getting too crazy”.

Let that sink in…

Ozzy Osbourne thinks America is too crazy.

We are doomed!

At no point in history have the people forcing others into compliance been the good guys.

A young couple took their three-year-old son to Dr. Cohen.

With some hesitation, they explained that, although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small “member”.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, “Just feed him bagels with cream cheese. That should solve the problem.”

The next morning, at the breakfast table, there was a large stack of warm bagels and cream cheese in the middle of the table.

“Gee, mom,” the boy exclaimed. “For me?”

“Just take two,” his mother replied. “The rest are for your father.

Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the tallest mountain on earth?

*

*

*

*

*

Mt. Everest

Yup, you’re right…it’s a wok in the park.

Laws are like sausages. It is better not to see them being made.

—Otto von Bismarck (1815-1898)

Judi stormed up to the front desk of the library and said,  “I have a complaint!”

“Yes, ma’am?”

“I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!”

“What was wrong with it?”

“It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!”

The librarian nodded and said, “Ahh. So you must be the person who took our phone book.”

My friend likes to read his two young sons fairy tales at night. Having a deep-rooted sense of humor, he often ad-libs parts of the stories for fun.

One day his youngest son was sitting in his first grade class as the teacher was reading the story of the “Three Little Pigs.”

She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to acquire building materials for his home.

She said, “And so the pig went up to the man with a wheel barrow full of straw and said ‘Pardon me sir, but might I have some of that straw to build my house with?'”

The teacher then asks the class, “And what do you think that man said?”

My friend’s son raised his hand and exclaimed, “I know! I know! — ‘Holy smokes! A talking pig!'”

Apparently the teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

Tom in deep thoughts is sitting calm, very quiet.

Jerry asks, “What is wrong with you, Tom?”

“Please don’t ask.”

“I am your childhood friend. Talk to me.”

“My seven year old son made my secretary pregnant.”

“That’s not possible.”

“No, he did.”

“How’s that possible?”

“He punctured my condoms!”

Lawyer: “Judge, I wish to appeal my client’s case on the basis of newly discovered evidence.”

Judge: “And what is the nature of the new evidence?”

Lawyer: “Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left.”

My first stop on my vacation was my sister’s house in Montana. She’s extremely organized. Before she leaves on a trip, she always types up address labels for her postcards. This time, I figured I’d done her one better.

I boasted, “You’ll be impressed. I’ve already written thank-you notes to everyone with whom I’ll be staying. They’re all stamped and ready to go.”

My sister was silent for a moment, and then she said, “You mean those little envelopes I saw in your room and mailed this morning?”

A man answers the phone and has the following conversation:

“Yes, mother, I’ve had a hard day.

Gladys has been most difficult – I know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard. Well, you know how she is.”

“Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember you told me that she was a vile creature who would make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry her.”

“You were perfectly right.”

“You want to speak with her? All right.”

He looks up from the telephone and calls to his wife in the next room:

“Gladys, your mother wants to talk to you!”

That is indeed the end my friends.  I hope you all had as much fun reading as I had writing.  

One last little push for donations, if anyone is still interested in contributing this year, there’s still time to contribute for the month of September, if I don’t get any more contributions, I’ll probably just go ahead and drop it for this year.  As usual, you guys have been very generous and it is deeply appreciated.

And until we meet again, may God Bless you all  with Love and Happiness.

Today is the 22nd Anniversary of one of the worst days in America’s history.  And although we say, “Never Forget” in many ways and in many places we saw signs and still do.  Just google “Never Forget”…

But in some ways…heck, in a lot of ways, I think we have forgotten.  We don’t realize that the number one thing the federal government is charged with is protection of the people.  In fact, it is the only real mandate that they have.  All the rest of the things that they do they have taken upon themselves to do.  Most of all of it is supposed to be the States responsibilities.  But be that as it may, we need to remember how vulnerable we are.  We need to take steps to mitigate that problem, not do things to exacerbate the issue.  We need to hold our government accountable for the nonsense they are pulling right now.  We need:

1.  Closed borders!  Not the wide open, full on invasion borders that we have going on right now.

2.  A strong, fierce, always ready military.  We are not there right now.  And we don’t need this touchy-feely, everybody welcome, let’s use cross-dressing sailors as recruiters military.  We need people who tear up telephone poles and eat nails for breakfast.  I want the ones who want to rip off their heads and spit down their necks.

3.  Strong, fierce allies.  See #2 above.

4.  Strong leaders, with God fearing, Judeo-Christian values.  Those are the values this country was based on, the Constitution was written on, and until we get back to those, we are going to flounder as a country.

That’s a good start.  (Boy did THIS opening go way far afield from where I thought it was going to go).  We need to remember.  We need to Never Forget.  Sadly, we have the memory of goldfish.  And I think that’s going to turn around and bite us in the butt if we don’t change things pretty darn quick.

Sprinkled throughout today you’re going to see some 9/11 stuff.  This is a weird holiday for me.  While this was going on, I was driving an hour and a half and listening to the broadcast on the radio in real time, as it was happening while going to see my brand new Izzy Dragon who had been born the day before.  See, Izzy was adopted.  My Mary was in the delivery room when Izzy was born and we’ve had her since the very moment she was born.  In fact, when she came out, the nurse handed her to Mary and not to the birth mother.  That’s the way everybody wanted it.  But that was in Indianapolis, we live an hour and a half from there.  I was working that day when she went into labor.  So, I wasn’t there and had to drive up the next day.  The next day was September 11, 2001.  Being former military, I knew exactly what was going on.  I hadn’t even seen my new baby girl yet.

And within about a month, I would have lost the restaurant job I was working, been unemployed for a couple of weeks, got a job as a civilian cop on base as a temp, which started me down the road to the brand new career …again…that brought me to where I am today.  

So… to Izzy

And for the rest of us…

We’ll take a fast moment to thank for the latest donations.  They’ve slowed down quite a bit, which is to be expected.  And that’s fine.  I appreciate all that you guys have done and continue to do to show your support for me and for what I do.  It swells my heart to feel so appreciated.  

Kenn R. – (and the note was so very touching.  Thank you!)           

Michael F.          Dan T.          Scott H.          Joseph H.

Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre.

However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Econoline van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: “Alas, I had no Monet to buy Degas to make ze Van Gogh.”

Yes, I know, it’s an old one…but it’s still funny!

My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.

Yup, I’ve got two of those exactly like that!

“We’re all just friends.”

Smart is when you only believe half of what you hear.
Brilliant is when you know which half.

Some grade school teachers must agree with that, because they keep journals of amusing things their students have written in papers.

Here are a few examples:

– The future of “I give” is “I take.”

– The parts of speech are lungs and air.

– The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.

– A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the population.

– Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.

– The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums.

– The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.

– We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.

– One of the main causes of dust is janitors.

– A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities.

– The climate is hottest next to the Creator.

– Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.

– Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.

– In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah.

Thoughts from Joe…

Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you?

But when you take him in a car, he sticks his head out the window.

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She is 97 today and we don’t know where she is.

The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it’s you.

A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket.

“You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?” she sneered.

I replied in a psychotic tone, “I didn’t know there were any witnesses. Now I’ll have to kill you too.”

Future historians will be able to study at the Gerald Ford Library; the Jimmy Carter Library; the Ronald Reagan Library and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

I know some people who need that warning when they eat.

Our security here at Dragon Laffs, Inc. is second to none!  We dare you to try and break in to the castle.  Go on.  Try us.  See what happens.

Peter walks into an insurance office and asks for a job. 

“We don’t need anyone” they replied. 

“You can’t afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone, anytime, anything!” 

“Well we have two prospects that No One has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, you have a job.” 

He was gone about two hours, and returned and handed them two checks, one for $25,000.00 and another for $50, 000.00. 

“How in the world did you do that ?” they asked. 

“I told you I’m the worlds best salesman, I can sell anyone, anywhere, anytime!” 

“Did you get a urine sample?” they asked him. 

“What’s that?” he asked. 

“Well, if you sell a policy over $20,000.00 the company requires a urine sample. Take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples.” 

Peter was gone about 6 hours and they were fixing to close when he walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand.  He sets the buckets down, and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine, and sets them on the desk and says, “Here’s Mr. George’s and this one is Mr. Robert’s.” 

“That’s good” they said, “but what’s in those two buckets?” 

“Well, I passed by the Holiday Inn and they were having a teachers convention, so I stopped and sold them a group policy!” 

Problems with my laptop required calling the dreaded company help line.

The service rep, based in another country, did not speak English very well.

So I tried to explain it as simply as possible: “I can’t get the computer to work.”

“Ah, I see,” he responded. “You are unable to transport your computer to your place of employment.”

The City of Miami advertised for somebody to help rid their city of a growing rat infestation.  A man answered the ad and showed up, guaranteeing that he could do the job, so he was put to work.

He started his efforts and opened a box and took out a green rat. The rat ran all over the city and all of the pesky rats followed him to an inlet near South Beach.  At the last minute, the green rat jumped aside and all of the Miami’s rats jumped into the inlet and drowned.

When the man went to collect his money, the Mayor said, “I want to talk to you first.”  The man said, “I don’t want any bull, I want my money.”

“No problem, you will get your money,” replied the Mayor.

“I want to know if you have access to a little green Cuban!”

Rest in Peace dear friend.

Joe on Laws:

Laws

The Law of Volunteering – If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.

The Law of Avoiding Oversell – When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.

The Law of Common Sense – Never accept a drink from a urologist.

The Law of Reality – Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

The Law of Self Sacrifice – When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

The Law of Motivation – Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.

Boob’s Law – You always find something in the last place you look.

Weiler’s Law – Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn’t have to do it himself.

Law of Probable Dispersal – Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

Law of Volunteer Labor – People are always available for work in the past tense.

Conway’s Law – In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.

Iron Law of Distribution – Them that has gets.

Law of Cybernetic Entomology – There is always one more bug.

Law of Drunkenness – You can’t fall off the floor.

Heller’s Law – The first myth of management is that it exists.

Osborne’s Law – Variables won’t; constants aren’t.

Main’s Law – For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

Weinberg’s Second Law – If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.

“You and your husband don’t seem to have an awful lot in common,” said the new tenant’s neighbor. “Why on earth did you get married?”

“I suppose it was the old business of  ‘opposites attract’,” was the reply.  “He wasn’t pregnant and I was.”

And announcing it with a straight face.

I heard on the radio today that this new variant of covid that’s coming out is called the Election Variant.  And I have to agree.  The timing is just too perfect.  And the stupid people will not have learned anything from last time and will fall right back into doing whatever Big Brother tells them to do.  There will be a NEW vaccine that everyone will HAVE to get and it will kill even MORE people and just like at the end of the last wave, they will say something stupid like, “Well not having any symptoms is one of the symptoms!”  Honest, I’m not making that up.  You’re not sick, you feel fine…well, that’s one of the symptoms!!  And people were falling for that crap!  And then dying from the stupid shot!  I really think it was the design of the shot to kill people.  We have an older couple at church who have gotten every single vaccine and booster that has come out and they have been in and out of hospital and almost died multiple times with covid over and over and over again.  And a bunch of the rest of us who haven’t been sick at all who’ve never gotten shot or just had the minimum to keep their jobs.  I’ve tested positive twice and had nothing more than the sniffles.  But, I believe you will see mask mandates come back, and they will try and push new shot mandates…all in time for the election.  That is Impish Dragon looking into his crystal ball. 

Okay, got a little far afield there…sorry…let me kick that soapbox back under the counter where it belongs.

And here comes the best one of all…

This was sent in by Lynn…who likes to send us all kinds of cool things like this.  Thanks Lynn!

The new “guidelines” being floated by Biden’s officious National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism, which announced on Aug. 25 that Americans should only have two alcoholic drinks a week, a huge swing from the two per day it has been suggesting until now.

Yes, it’s an old joke, but it’s made absolutely no funnier with Kirk and Spock.

Okay, this was sent to me as a PDF, but it was so funny, I just had to type it all out here for your guys to read.  So, here goes:

This assignment was actually turned in by two English students: 
Rebecca <last name deleted> and Gary <last name deleted> English 44A
SMU
Creative Writing
Prof Miller
                           In-class Assignment for Wednesday

Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story.  The process is simple.  Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right.  One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story.  The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story.  The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth.  Remember to reread what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent.  The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.
________________________________________

At first, Laurie couldn’t decide which kind of tea she wanted.  The camomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked camomile.  But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl.  His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again.  So camomile was out of the question.

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago.  “A.S. Harris to Geostation 17,” he said into his trangalactic communicator.  “Polar orbit established.  No sign of resistance so far…”  But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship’s cargo bay.  The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying our of his seat and across the cockpit.

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt on last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him.  Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4.  “Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel.”  Laurie read in her newspaper one morning.  The news simultaneously excited her and bored her.  She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth –when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her.  “Why must one lose one’s innocence to become a woman?”  she pondered wistfully.

Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live.  Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu’udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles.  The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race.  Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu’udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet.  With no one to stop them they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan.  The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded.  The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans.  The President slammed his fist on the conference table.  “We can’t allow this!  I’m going to veto that treaty!  Let’s blow ’em out of the sky!”

This is absurd.  I refuse to continue this mockery of literature.  My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.

Yeah?  Well, you’re a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.

You total shit.

I assume it digresses at that point to an outright screaming match in class.  Either that or she slapped him.  I don’t picture him doing anything physical to her.  She’s the one who dropped out first … but anyway, that’s where it ends and by the time I got to that point I could hardly read I was laughing so hard.  I’ve done projects like that with Lethal Leprechaun where we told stories together and where we TRIED to sabotage the other person.  What a blast that was.  You guys got to read many of the results.  Thank you Lynn for sharing that with us.

Maybe I’ll just cut out that e and post that to warn you from now on that the next joke coming is an oldie but goodie.  LOL!

A man goes into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man’s face. “What did you do that for?” the man asks, rubbing his aching cheek. “Well, you don’t have the hiccups anymore, do you?” asked the pharmacist with a knowing smile.

 “No, but my wife out in the car still does!”

Petey was a snake, only so big. Petey lived in a pit with his mother.  One day Petey was hissing in the pit when his mother said, “Petey, don’t hiss in the pit, go outside the pit to hiss.” 

So Petey went outside of the pit to hiss.  Petey was hissing all around when he finally leaned over and hissed in the pit. Petey’s mother heard Petey hissing in the pit and said, “Petey, if you must hiss in a pit, go over to Mrs. Pott’s pit and hiss in her pit. 

Petey went over to Mrs. Pott’s pit to hiss in her pit, but Mrs. Pott was not at home so he hissed in her pit anyway. While Petey was hissing in Mrs Pott’s pit Mrs. Pott came home and found Petey hissing in her pit.  She said, “Petey, if you must hiss in a pit, don’t hiss in my pit; go to your own pit and hiss.” 

This made Petey very sad, and he cried all the way home.  When Petey got home, his mother saw him crying and said, “Petey, what’s the matter?” 

Petey said, “I went over to Mrs. Pott’s to hiss in her pit but Mrs. Pott was not at home, so I hissed in her pit anyway.  Mrs. Pott came home and found me hissing in her pit and said, “Petey, if you must hiss in a pit go to your own pit and hiss, don’t hiss in my pit.” 

This made Petey’s mother very angry and she said, “Why that mean old Lady! I knew Mrs. Pott when she didn’t have a pit to hiss in! 

Procrastinator’s Creed

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.
5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.
7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesimally small, is not exactly zero.
8. If at first I don’t succeed, there is always next year.
9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.
11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.
12. I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan.
13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.
14. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator’s Society) if they ever get it organized.

I was meeting a friend in a bar, and as I went in, I noticed two pretty girls looking at me.

“Nine,” I heard one whisper as I passed.

Feeling pleased with myself, I swaggered over to my buddy and told him a girl had just rated me a nine out of ten.

“I don’t want to ruin it for you,” he said, “but when I walked in, they were speaking German.”

“Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.”

– Edward George Bulwer-Lytton (1803-1873)

And that’s it my friends.  Let’s end this issue this way, but first, as always, my God bless you with Love and Happiness until we meet again.

It’s Saturday.  I’m actually writing this on Monday, Labor Day.  And I actually just realized that I didn’t say a single word ON Labor Day ABOUT Labor Day.  So, I suppose I should say something about Labor Day now.

But nah.

What are we going to learn about Labor Day that we don’t already know?

Moving on to other things then.

Again, another person to thank for their donation.  Right now it’s 

Michael F.

I will add more if they come in as I’m working, but for now…I’d just like to say:

Every single one of you is important and every single donation helps.  A couple more chances left to donate to this year’s bills.  They are coming due soon and I appreciate each and everyone of you who have contributed this year.  And now …

What bike?

A politician awoke in a hospital bed after a complicated operation, and found that the curtains were drawn around him.

“Why are the curtains closed,” he said. “Is it night?”

A nurse replied, “No, it is just that there is a fire across the street, and we didn’t want you waking up and thinking that the operation was unsuccessful.”

Things weren’t going too well in the Sunday School class. 

Nobody seemed to recall the identity of Matthew.  Nor did they do any better with Mark. 

 Finally, the teacher said hopefully, “Surely somebody remembers Peter!” 

A small boy in the last row came to the rescue. 

“Teacher,” he piped, “wasn’t he a wabbit?” 

There is this farmer who is having problems with his chickens. All of the sudden, they are all getting very sick and he doesn’t know what is wrong with them. After trying all conventional means, he calls a biologist, a chemist, and a physicist to see if they can figure out what is wrong.

So the biologist looks at the chickens, examines them a bit, and says he has no clue what could be wrong with them. Then the chemist takes some tests and makes some measurements, but he can’t come to any conclusions either.

So the physicist tries. He stands there and looks at the chickens for a long time without touching them or anything. Then all of the sudden he starts scribbling away in a notebook. Finally, after several gruesome calculations, he exclaims, “I’ve got it! But it only works for spherical chickens in a vacuum.”

“Oh look kids, breakfast is here.”

A Yuppie was sent a ransom note saying that he was to bring $50,000 to the 17th hole of the country club at 10 o’clock the next day if he ever wanted to see his wife alive again.

He didn’t arrive until almost 12:30. A masked man stepped out from behind some bushes and growled, “What the hell took ya so long? You’re over two hours late.”

“Hey! Give me a break.” whined the Yuppie. “I have a 27 handicap.”

That is so COOL!

This is so true.  Why are women like that?  And why are men blinded by boobs?

This young swimmer from the Australian Olympic team manages to sneak his new girlfriend, a gorgeous Danish gymnast, into his room at the Olympic Village. 

Once she’s inside, he quickly switches out all the lights and they rapidly disrobe and leap onto his bed in a flurry of athletic achievement. 

After about twenty minutes of wild sex they both collapse back on the bed in exhaustion. 

The girl looks admiringly across at the swimmer in the dim light.

His beautifully-developed muscles, tanned skin and smooth-shaven scalp glisten with little beads of sweat as he lays beside her. 

She’s really pleased to have met this guy.

At this point the swimmer slowly struggles up from the bed.

He fumbles the lid off a bottle on the bedside table, pours himself a small shot in a glass and drinks it down in one gulp. 

Then he stands bolt upright, takes a deep breath and, in a surprisingly energetic motion, dives under the bed, climbing out the other side and beating his chest like a gorilla. 

Then he vaults back on top of the girl and commences a frantic repeat performance. 

The Danish girl is very impressed with the gusto of this second encounter. 

Somehow the Aussie has completely recovered from his previous exhaustion! 

After nearly half an hour of wild activity in every possible position, the gasping male swimmer again crawls out of bed and swallows another shot of the mysterious liquid. 

Once more he dives under the bed, emerges on the other side, beats his chest and commences to make love all over AGAIN. 

The girl is just amazed and delighted as the action continues at the same blistering pace as before. In the darkness, she can’t properly see what kind of tonic is causing these incredible transformations, but she sure likes the effect! 

More than an hour later, after another repeat of the strange drinking ritual on his part, and a whole string of ecstatic multiple orgasms on her part, the Danish girl is now feeling rather faint herself. 

“Just a minute, big boy,” she whispers to the panting bald-headed Aussie, “I think I need to try some of your tonic!” 

She rises unsteadily and pours a small shot of the liquid.

She braces herself for some sort of medicinal effect, but actually it just tastes like Coca-Cola. 

Then she stands up straight, takes a deep breath and dives under the bed – only to smash straight into the three other exhausted members of the Australian relay team. 

Maybe if we had just LET them eat tide pods, all of this stupid stuff wouldn’t be happening right now.

One of my many out of the way vacation spots.  I don’t get to use it very often, but it is comfortable.

Fact Of The Day:

Strongest Natural Material

In 2015 scientists discovered that snails possess the strongest natural material in the world…their teeth.  It was discovered that limpets, an aquatic snail, have teeth that come close to the strength of the hardest man made materials.  The teeth are up to 40% stronger than spider silk, which was thought to be the strongest natural material.

The uncomfortable feeling I get when everyone watches me unwrap a gift makes me totally understand why the dog takes his treats into the other room.

Who is this cute young girl ?

She grew up to be very well known.

I wonder if the people paying $300 for a colon cleanse even know about Taco Bell’s $4.99 deal.

I’ve found marriage to be very educational.  For example, I had no idea there was a wrong way to put milk in the fridge.

Do women ever sit back and think, “my man sure does know a lot, maybe I should just be quiet and listen to him?”

That is a close up of a dragon fly.  Doesn’t he look cool?

Always make sure SOMEONE in the relationship has good credit.  That’s why it’s called SIGNIFICANT other.
Sign/if/I/can’t.

Follow me for more marriage tips.

I may not have lost all my marbles yet, but there’s a small hole in the bag somewhere.

Are You Looking For A Lover?

Might we suggest you take Exit 36 off of PA Route 70.  Your odds are good!

I found this article, and I’ve got to tell you, it amazes the daylights out of me.  I can’t believe that people can be so incredibly stupid.  It’s a short article and I hope they don’t get mad at me for reprinting it in its entirety, but here we go.

Survey: Half of Millennials Believe ‘Misgendering’ Someone Should Be a Criminal Offense

Amanda Casanova | ChristianHeadlines.com Contributor | Tuesday, July 18, 2023

In comparison, 38 percent of those ages 35-44 believe misgendering should be illegal. Thirty-five percent disagreed.

Meanwhile, 33 percent of Generation Z respondents, ages 18 to 24, think “misgendering” a person should be illegal, and nearly half disagreed.

Overall, 37 percent of the 1,500 respondents said they would call someone who is biologically male by “she/her” pronouns if asked, while 17 percent said they would not.

Twenty-eight percent of respondents said it “depends on the person,” and 17 percent said they are uncertain what they would do in such a situation.  It goes back to the meme that basically says that you are entitled to your mental delusions, but I am not forced to participate in them.

Misgendering has become a topic of discussion recently. In California, a school district reportedly suspended two high school students for “misgendering.” The students were also made to undergo “restorative justice” training.  And yet here we have the retarded state of California, FORCING students in school to participate in some other students mental delusions.  And the Governor of said state wants to be your President.  THINK ABOUT THAT FOR JUST A MINUTE.

Also, part of the discussions has been amendments and changes to competitions and military service.

Previously, Republican lawmaker Tim Burchett had proposed an amendment requiring transgender men to be eligible for the military draft as part of the National Defense Authorization Act. The amendment did not advance.  As well it shouldn’t have.  As we have discussed before, the military is NOT a democratic, equal opportunity, everybody is the same kind of job.  YOU HAVE TO BE THIS TALL TO RIDE THIS RIDE.

On our way to church, we asked our grandchild why is it important to be quiet in church.  She said, “Because there are people sleeping!”

I’m so out of shape that if somebody yells, “Run for your life!”, I’ll be like, “You guys go on ahead.  I’m going to meet Jesus.”

Last year I joined a support group for antisocial people.  We haven’t met yet.

Beware of a new Amazon scam!

My husband ordered me some expensive jewelry, but motorcycle parts came instead.  Thankfully they fit his bike…

And that’s it for today my friends.  I know that this was a plain vanilla episode, but sometimes, just laughter is fun too.  Thanks for paying attention.  And may God Bless you with Love and Happiness until we meet again.

You know, it’s amazing.  
Sometimes I spend 30 minutes, up to several hours working on the header at the top of an issue, sometimes I just use an old one.  I have, as of right now, 488 headers on file to choose from.  And mostly they are used and forgotten about.  But that is, say an hour of my time that I will never get back.  I often wonder if you guys get any entertainment value out of the headers that I put together or whether I’m wasting my time.
I KNOW that my artistic skills are definitely NOT what draws you guys in.  And I KNOW that I haven’t been putting my literary skills to the edge like I know I can.  But, it’s hard when I only have a couple of hours to put out an issue to give you guys something to laugh at, something to ponder over, and maybe a little message to think about at the same time.
I JUST finished Monday’s issue and I immediately jumped on Thursday’s issue, this issue, so that I might get a little ahead because I never know what my week is going to bring me.  
I should be okay this week with Monday being a holiday, but if someone reaches out and needs some extra counseling or something, then I have to respond.  I have darts on Tuesday night, my on base Grief Group that I lead on Wednesday lunch time and Jail Ministry Wednesday night.  Thursday night is the other group for Living Free and I’m working this weekend so I’m going to end up missing Men’s Breakfast on Saturday and Church on Sunday.  So, I try to fit Dragon Laffs in where I can.  A couple of hours here and a couple of hours there.  LOL.
I need to retire so that I have more time to do other stuff.
And since I just started this one after the last one, I don’t have an update on donations right now, so let’s move on to the laughs, shall we?

A New York businessman buys a newspaper, glances at the front page, throws it away.

Next day, he does the same thing. This goes on for days.

Eventually, the newspaper guy asks, “Why do you keep doing that?”

“Oh, I’m just checking for an obituary”

“But obituaries aren’t even on the front page!”

“Oh, the one I’m looking for will be.”

My new girlfriend and I were traveling to meet my parents, when she got a flat tire.

So I called my parents and said, “Sorry mom, we’re going to be late.  My girlfriend’s got a puncture!”

“Oh!” she sighed, “I thought you had a real one this time!”

“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.

Which is EXACTLY how we should all react.

“Easy, Sweetheart.  Wait for it.  We will have our time.  These walls, too will come down.”

I was going to do that for my Dad when I was about that age…I don’t remember what stopped me.  Probably the back of my father’s hand.

I went to the Doctor yesterday and got my meds changed and also got some new meds. I also had to take a shot in the butt! Anyway, I have to go back in six weeks to see if there is any change. She told me that she wanted me to bring in a stool sample so today I’m heading to Trine to sign up for a basic wood working class…

I know I’m getting old, it’s starting to take too much effort to even procrastinate.

I wonder if that’s what she was fishing for?

Over and over and over again.

One thing I have learned is……Indecision is the key to flexibility.

(And to all my Air Force brethren out there, we know that…) Flexibility is the key to Air Power.  So, using the transitive power of logic (If A=B and B=C, then A=C), therefore, Indecision is the key to Air Power.  …Somehow I don’t think that’s right…

Okay, so in my head that was funny.

Okay, our good buddy Joe from NJ sent this to me as a straight video, but as you guys know, I can’t send you guys videos, I have to find it on YouTube…which I did.  This is one of the GREATEST videos I’ve ever seen.  This squirrel fakes his own death.  Truly amazing.  Even sets up the murder scene.  You’ve got to watch this.  Thanks brother Joe for sending this one along.

And here’s ANOTHER cool video.  This one sent in by our brother Sasquatch.  I was able to find THIS one on YouTube as well.  This is a Guinness World Record setting, Fourth of July Drone show, using 1,000 drones, breaking their own record from I believe the year before or maybe two years before.  It’s a cool video.

The missus has just come into the living room wearing a skimpy little number, fishnets, and high heels.

She handed me a cold beer and told me to sit down, relax, and when she comes back, she’ll give me, “What she does best.”

I can’t wait…

I bloody love Shepherd’s Pie

I want to apologize to everyone for the bad puns.

~Noah Fence

Stephen B. sent me this video, it took me a little while to find it on YouTube and when I did, I actually found a longer version which gave a much better explanation.  I decided to include it here in the Political section because it is sort of political, only because so many people seem to be making the topic political, when in all honesty, it is just silly.  Here, you can see for yourself how it is the people who have no dog in the fight are taking offense at something that doesn’t EVEN CONCERN THEM.  

I’ve taken to occasionally wearing my “Faith” shirt or my “God is my Father and Veterans are my brothers” hat or something similar out in public lately hoping that someone will tell me that they find what I’m wearing “triggering” or some other new age thing so that I can offer to pray with them about it.  Just to see what kind of a reaction I get.  I really, really, really want this to happen.  LOL!  LOL!

The World

The world is increasingly designed to depress us.  Happiness isn’t very good for the economy.  If we were happy with what we had, why would we need more?  How do you sell an anti-ageing moisturizer?  You make someone worry about ageing.  How do you get people to vote for a political party?  You make them worry about immigration.  How do you get them to buy insurance?  By making them worry about everything.  How do you get them to have plastic surgery?  By highlighting their physical flaws.  How do you get them to watch a TV show?  By making them worry about missing out.  How do you get them to buy a new smartphone?  By making them feel like they are being left behind.

To be calm becomes a kind of revolutionary act.  To be happy with your own non-upgraded existence and to be comfortable with our messy, human selves would not be good for business.

~ Matt Haig

We’ve said it before and we’ll say it again:

Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.

~ Robert Heinlein

It’s such a small word, but works perfectly in this, and many similar situations…NO!

A LICENSE IS WHAT YOU GET WHEN THE GOVERNMENT STEALS YOUR RIGHTS AWAY FROM YOU AND THEN SELLS THEM BACK.

Some people are going to need things to get a lot more crazier and a lot more obvious before they begin to question anything and start down the path of awakening. 

For the rest of us, it’s a painful experience to interact with these people and witness their attachment to the illusion.

God Bless everyone in Florida today.  Don’t worry, Joe will be down in a few weeks after his next vacation to tell you the story about the two rolls of toilet paper he lost when his tub overflowed in 1978.

I heard on the news the other day that, so far in his presidency, Joe Biden has been on vacation 40% of his time in office.  I think we can stop complaining about Trump playing golf. 

I feel her pain

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane?

They mostly wrap

As a young child my mother told me I can be anyone I want to be.

Turns out this is called Identity Theft.

THAT is disgusting!  I like corndogs…not anymore.

Dear Olive Oil,
You’re either a Virgin or you are not.  There’s no such thing as “Extra Virgin”, Okay?!

When she hops on top and both knees pop…

That’s 4 wheel drive locking in.

She’s got a valid point.

At times I wish I had a clone, but then I realize, I could never live with that jerk.

If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.

Okay, here’s a late arrival from Joe
And it’s called: “They Just Keep Getting Longer”
And I’m really afraid to show this one.  LOL!

Okay, Phew!  Thanks Joe!

I have been nominated to a “25 pushups a day for 25 days” challenge.
I blocked that person.

Okay, this takes the whole “We were so poor” jokes to a whole new level:

We were so poor growing up, we had to wait outside a KFC and lick other people’s fingers when they came out.

Drop the mic, leave the stage.

NO!  Don’t attack while they are distracted!  That is just so wrong on so many levels.   LOL!  But it is funny.  LOL!

Anyway, that’s it for today, my friends.  And from the time I started this morning until now, I have gotten two more donations, so I’d like to thank …

Jonathon J.     and     Philip S.

I deeply appreciate each and every one of you guys.  Thank you so much for all that you do to support what I do.  It is very much appreciated.  There is still time for the rest of you to donate…buy me a cup of coffee, I only ask this one time a year.  Just when the bills come due.  Then I won’t bother you again until this time next year.  That’s the deal.  There are a few donations that come trickling in here and there throughout the year and I do truly appreciate those as well, and I normally point those out when it happens.  And then very rarely, we run a special campaign where we try to raise money for a special project that hits me hard…something that I think might also hit you guys hard.  Normally having to do with Veterans or cancer or homelessness.  Homeless Veterans with Cancer was the last one we did, I think…no, I’m kidding.  No, I think the last one you guys gave so generously to out of the norm was for my dear Mary’s funeral expenses.  And I’m rambling because I’m tired, but I don’t want to put this away, so let me just say, thanks again for all that you guys do.  May God Bless you all with Love and Happiness and remember…