As many of you have already noticed, a bunch of pictures are missing from today’s post. I’d tell you that it’s due to technical difficulties beyond our control, but in reality it’s due to stupidity quite within this dragon’s grasp.

My humble apologies. All I can do at this point is make it up to you next time and bid you enjoy what’s there.

Cheers,

Impish Dragon

It’s Thursday and the week is mostly done.  It’s also a UTA weekend coming up and I have to work, so I’m giving you the normal UTA weekend warning…since I have to work there may or may not be a …

Saturday Episode

Monday Episode

But I will do my level best to warn you and let you know that I am alive and kicking.  I don’t think there will be a problem this weekend because it doesn’t look like it’s going to be that bad of a weekend, but then again, we had snow on Monday, May first…May Day.  So yeah, mayday! mayday!  We had snow on May Day!

I know, right?

I texted Izzy, I said, “Hey!  Good news!  It stopped raining!… … … … And started snowing!!!”

She texted back, “I hate Indiana.”

You know what they say, “If you don’t like the weather, wait a minute.”

I will say that we skipped right over spring.  We went from winter, to summer, and now back to fall, going into winter again.  Global warming my big tail!  This has got to be driving the conspiracy theory guys nuts right now.  Just saw a thing on line that we’ve had more tornadoes this year than most other years.  Well, that has to prove something, right?  But…what does it prove?  They’ll come up with something.  Too much oxygen in the air.  We need to cut down more trees.

Who knows.

I have been getting some really great emails from some of you guys.  We’ve got a fellow camper named Wouter from South Africa who reads us all the time, sent us a great family pic and some great information about South Africa.  I’ll share the family picture if he says I can, so Wouter, if you’re listening, can I share the family picture with the rest of the campers?  I guess we’ll have to wait until the weekend to find out.  But he did give me some great advice about traveling to South Africa.  He said that if you ever travel to there make sure you bring your GPS.  When I asked him why all he showed me was this picture:

Took me a second to figure it out.  Then I laughed like a crazy man.  It is pretty ingenious.  

Anyway….lots of funny stuff to get to today, so whattaya say we get to some of it? Oh, and by the way…

Thanks Pete…now…

Defendant: “Your Honor, I’m being unfairly accused of robbery because I’m a locksmith by profession!” 

Judge: “Can you explain what you were doing at the scene of the crime when the police arrived?” 

Defendant: “Just making a bolt for the door!” 

It would be funnier if you spelled it correctly.

Annoying Things To Do In A Restaurant 

In a fancy restaurant insist the waiter tells you the names of all the fish in the fish tank. 

Ask for a seat for your ‘imaginary friend’. 

Growl constantly and address everyone as ‘Matey’. 

Bring your own menu. 

Stare at a neighbour’s food until they say something and then reply, “Oh don’t mind me, I’m just looking for the piece of food that flew out of my mouth.” 

Burp the National Anthem, call anyone who objects unpatriotic. 

Yell, “Oh no not now!” and make a mad dash to the bathroom. 

That’s all well and good and actually quite funny, but before you leave (or get thrown out) you BETTER tip the server VERY WELL!!!

Joe says: It was the night before my bypass surgery, the doctor wanted me to take a shower; which was fine with me, after three days of using a basin and washcloth. 

As I walked down the hall, I had a Nurse on either side. The one asked, “Are you going to be able to manage OK?” 

I said, “I feel weak and dizzy.  Perhaps both of you would be kind enough to get in the shower with me.” 

The little blonde Nurse looked up and said, “Nice try.” 

Now, I’m not saying that it was OUR Joe from NJ…but it does sound like something he would do.

Friendly kids are always drawing pictures of me.  This one said that since I was a blue dragon, it must be cold where I was … because I was blue because I was cold.  Okay, I can see the logic in that one, I guess.

On a family vacation in Texas, Mike exhibited all the exuberance of a tourist. 

At a diner, he and his brothers ordered cheeseburgers. 

When his meal arrived, the first thing Mike noticed was its size. 

“Wow,” he exclaimed, “everything is bigger in Texas!” 

As he lifted the burger to his lips, his eyes met the cold stare of a 300+ pound waitress…. 

An Irish businessman in the first-class cabin decided

to chat with the drop-dead-gorgeous flight attendant:

“Excuse me, beautiful… What is your name?”

Flight Attendant: “Angela Benz, sir”

Businessman: “Lovely name . . . any relation to Mercedes Benz?”

Flight Attendant: “Yes sir, very close.”

Businessman: “How close?”

Flight Attendant: “Same price.”

Watch: Utah DOT uses dish soap to slide 5.3-million-pound bridge into place

https://www.fox26houston.com/news/watch-utah-dot-uses-dish-soap-to-slide-5-3-million-pound-bridge-into-place

This is way cool.  Well worth clicking on.  This is not an ad for Dawn dish soap, but it ought to be.  Click on the link, watch the video, read the article.  WORTH IT!  Thanks to Leah D. for this one!

So, I had this dream…

What if I see a steamroller?

Our Yearly Dementia Test

Okay campers, it’s that time of year for us to take our annual Senior Citizen Dementia Test.  Exercising your brain is one of the most important things you can do to keep it sharp and strong.  As we grow older, it is so very important to keep mentally alert.  If you don’t use it, you lose it!  Seriously.  Our little test below is a very private way to gauge how your memory compares to the last test.  You guys all remember the last test, right?  If you don’t remember the last test, that’s a bad sign, folks.  

Anyway, some of you may find this test very easy but those of you with memory problems may find it a little difficult.  So go ahead and take the test that those of us here at Dragon Laffs went out of our way to hire the very best doctors (and lawyers) to present here to you today to help you determine if you’re losing it or not.  The spaces in between the questions are so that you don’t see the answers until you’ve made YOUR answers. 

Okay?

You got it?

You ready?

Relax, clear your mind and begin…

 

 

1.  What do you put in a toaster? 

 

 

 

 

Answer:  “Bread”.  If you said “toast” give up now and do something else…
Try not to hurt yourself.
If you said “Bread” go to Question 2.

 

 

 

 

2.  Now, you must actually do this out loud.  Say “Silk” five times.  Now spell “Silk”.  What do cows drink?  

 

 

 

 

Answer:  Cows drink water.  If you said “milk” don’t attempt the next question.  Your brain is over-stressed, may overheat and perhaps even burst into flames.  Flames are good for dragons, not for you guys.  Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Mad Magazine.
However, if you said “water” you may proceed to question 3.

 

 

 

 

3.  If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from? 

 

 

 

 

Answer:  Greenhouses are made from glass!  If you said “Green Bricks” why are you still reading these questions?
If you said “glass” go on to Question 4.

 

 

 

 

4.  Okay, without using a calculator, you are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales.  In London 17 people get on the bus.  In Reading 6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on.  In Swindon 2 people get off and 4 get on.  In Cardiff 11 people get off and 16 people get on.  In Swansea 3 people get off and 5 people get on.  In Carmathen 6 people get off and 3 get on.  You then arrive at Milford Haven…

Without scrolling back to review…

…how old is the bus driver? 

 

 

 

 

Answer:  Oh for crying-out-loud!  Don’t you remember your own age!

It was YOU driving the bus!! 

If  you pass this on to your friends, pray they do better than you.

Don’t feel too bad! 

95% of people fail most of the questions! 

So, I need to thanks Joe from NJ for this one…sorta…it was taken and modified, slightly, by this dragon that I know to make it fit a bit better into this venue.  There were a couple of questions that I left out.  What questions are those?  You ask…well, like so a plane crashes on the border between Canada and the United States, then by international law where are the survivors buried?  Or how about this one…God told him to build an Ark, so how many of each animal did Moses bring on to the Ark with him?  Okay, one more.  My favorite.  If seven men can dig seven holes in seven hours, how long will it take for one man to dig half a hole?

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing…if you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

-Groucho Marx (1895-1977)

Joe sends us this true story…

This supposedly true story is about a pastor (who is not a computer literate person by his own admission) as he told of a real phone call he received from the church secretary.

Secretary: Pastor, we’ve got a problem in the computer lab where you met with the confirmation class last week. Some of the boys in the class started messing with the mice.

Pastor: What?!?! {thinking: we’ve got mice in there????}

Secretary: Yeah, it seems some of the boys removed their balls.

Pastor: {incredulously:} Th..th…they did what?????? How in the world did they do that?

Secretary: They must have used a screwdriver or something.

Pastor: We’ve got some pretty sick boys… I… I… didn’t even realize mice had balls…

Secretary: Yeah, they roll around on ’em all the time.

Pastor: What?????? {still thinking of the little furry real animals} Well…what can we do?

Secretary: I guess we’ll have to put ’em back on.

Pastor: WHAT????????!!!!!!

Secretary: Hmmm….Pastor, are we talking about the same thing?!

Yeah…no.  I’m pretty sure you both talking about two completely different things.

Mrs. Schmidlap hires a maid with beautiful blonde hair. The first morning, the girl pulls off the hair and says, “I wear a wig, because I was born totally hairless. Not a hair on my body, not even down there.”

That night, Mrs. Schmidlap tells her husband. He says, “I’ve never seen anything like that. Please tomorrow, ask her to go into the bedroom and show you. I want to hide in the closet so I can have a look.”

The next day, Mrs.Schmidlap asks the girl and the two of them go into the bedroom and the girl strips and shows her. Then the girl says, “I’ve never seen one with hair on it. Can I see yours?” So Mrs. Schmidlap pulls off her clothes and shows her.

That night, Mrs. Schmidlap says to her husband, “I hope you’re satisfied, because I was pretty embarrassed when that girl asked to see mine.”

Her husband says, “You think you were embarrassed…I had the four guys I play darts with in the closet with me.”

On a recent flight, an elderly passenger kept peering out the window.

Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing-tip light. 

Finally, she rang for the flight attendant.

“I’m sorry to bother you,” she said, “but I think you should inform the pilot that his left-turn indicator is on and has been for some time.” 

A young woman, feeling morning dizziness and strange cravings, goes to see a gynecologist. 

After a thorough examination, the Doctor tells her: 

“Well, my dear, I am puzzled; the test shows that you are pregnant, but when I examined you, I found that you are still a virgin. 

I mean, your hymen is not ruptured, except for seven tiny holes, a little more that pinpricks, actually…. by the way, what did you say your name was?” 

“My name is Snow White”, replies the girl.

I especially like this one coming up, since I used to load nukes for a living.  So I know this statistic quite well.  But they’ve put this together quite well!

My guess is that if a dead body was found in the trunk of Hillary’s car, the FBI would ask Trump why he did it.

I’m laughing at the people saying Elon Musk could have given $44 Billion to “help the poor and feed the hungry.”

Why aren’t they saying that about Bezos, Bloomberg, Buffett, Gates, Soros, Zuckerberg, and Schwab?

That’s the funniest thing I’ve heard all day!!

That’s Democrat math.  The same math that tells us that those of us with a good credit rating are going to pay more on our mortgage to help those on their mortgage with a bad credit rating.

“There’s a corner of my heart that is yours.  And I don’t mean for now, or until I’ve found somebody else, I mean forever.  I mean to say that whether I fall in love, a thousand times over or once or never again, there’ll always be a small quiet place in my heart that belongs only to you.”

Beau Taplin || The Corner

Sorry I haven’t gotten anything done today.  I’ve been in the produce department trying to open this stupid plastic bag.

I’ve had my socks on the wrong feet all day.

And we’re back!  And I’m almost out of time and energy.  Remember last time, we left off with Marsha saying:

So, here it is…Monday…and the weekend is over.  They go by so quick.  I actually had a four day weekend this time around.  Did some special paperwork on Thursday, had a special Mall day with Izzy on Friday, did more paperwork on Saturday, and Church on Sunday.

But right now it’s Saturday…actually, the above paragraph was written on Friday night and then I fell asleep over the keyboard and Izzy Dragon made me put it away and go to bed, so NOW it’s Saturday morning…

It’s Saturday morning and the whole weekend is still ahead of me and while you’re reading this the whole weekend is behind you.  What an odd perspective.

I just got a really great comment from John M. who … well, let me copy it here so we can all share it.  And let me say up front, thanks John.  You can see, right at the top that it’s just a couple of minutes old so, I’m shooting from the hip here.  But, it strikes a nerve in some of the things that I’ve seen over the last couple of days both on the news (I REALLY need to stop watching the news) and in real life.  So, here it is:

Love is a long sweet dream 

Marriage is the alarm clock.

The devout cowboy lost his favorite BIBLE while he was mending fences out on the range.  

Three weeks later, a cow walked up to him carrying the BIBLE in its mouth.  

The cowboy couldn’t believe his eyes.  He took the book from the cow’s mouth, raised his eyes heavenward, and exclaimed, “It’s a miracle!” 

“Not really,” said the cow.  “Your name is written inside the cover.” 

Oh, Okay…and?

Old man Willy Blumenfeld was getting on in years. His son, Harold, had done well financially in ladies’ underwear. 

He asked his father if he’d like to go down to Miami Beach. He thought it would be good for the old man to have companionship and balmy weather as well in his declining years. 

The old man was pleased but consented to go only if he could be at a Kosher hotel. And so Harold made reservations at the Sterling Hotel and put his father on a plane for Miami Beach. 

His son phoned him once a week and everyone seemed happy. Some weeks later, Harold had to make a business trip south and decided to drop in on pop unannounced as a surprise. 

When he got to the Sterling Hotel, there was no sign of old man Blumenfeld. 

He asked the desk clerk if he had any idea where his father might be and he was told he might try room 402 at the Sans Souci. Harold hopped into a cab and headed for the Sans Souci. He learned at the desk that room 402 was occupied by a Miss Peggy Murphy. 

Harold rushed up to room 402, knocked at the door which was opened by a tall, sparsely dressed redhead. And there was papa in a bathrobe! 

Harold was furious! Unable to contain himself, he screamed, “Papa, I’m so shocked I don’t know what to say! An old religious man like you! And you insisted yet you must stay at a Kosher hotel!” 

The old man looked at him as if crazy and said, “So, what are you getting so excited for? I don’t eat here!”

It says “Waiting for snow to fall”  and I believe Loudly and Proudly.

Wife: There’s a nice-looking lady at the window table. 

Husband: She’s a hooker. 

Wife: How can you be so sure? 

Husband: C’mon! Look at her hair, all that make-up, that short skirt, the plunging neckline, and those high heels. 

Wife: But you like it when I dress like that. Do you think I look like a hooker? 

Husband: There’s no way I can get out of this conversation alive, is there?

Must be the chili

Well, that should be fun.

But that should be a good thing, right?

You know what really makes me throw up?

A dartboard on the ceiling.

I’d like to know where this place is at.  I’m a senior and could use a good wash and vacuum.

I’m not even going to touch this one.

Protecting the world from the forces of evil.

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say; “Jesus is watching you.”

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. “Jesus is watching you,” the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around the room. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot: “Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?”

“Yes,” Said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then asked the parrot: “What is your name?”

“Moses,” said the bird.

“That is a dumb name for a parrot,” sneered the burglar. “What idiot named you Moses?”

The parrot said, “The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus.”

Rum Cake: Ozark Family Recipe

Ingredients:

1 or 2 qts. of rum
1 cup butter
1/8 tsp. sugar
2 large eggs
1 cup dried fruit
baking powder
1 tsp. baking soda
lemon juice
brown sugar
nuts

Directions:

Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality.

Select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check the rum again. It must be just right! To be sure the rum is of the highest quality, pour 1 level cup of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat.

With an electric mixer, beat butter in large fluffy bowl. Add 1 seaspoon of thugar and beat again. Meanshile, it’s important to make sure the rum is of the finest quality—try another cup.

Open the second quart of rum if necessary. Add 1 arge leggs, 2 cups of fried druits and beat till high.

If the druits get stuck in the beats, just pru it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the rum again for cinscistincy.

Next, sift 3 cups of salt and feffer (it really doesn’t matter). Sample the wum again.

Sift 1 pint of lemon goose, add 1 bablespoon of brown thugar, of whatever color tou can find. Mix well. Grease oven, turn cake pan to 350 greeds.

Noe, pour the whole mess sinto the boven and ake. Check the crum again and go to bed.

A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot.  One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.  The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.  Eventually the construction crew, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot.  They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.  The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested she take her $10 “pay” to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such a young age.  The little girl proudly replied, “I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us.”

“Oh, my goodness gracious,” said the teller, “and will you be working on the house again this week, too?”

The little girl replied, “I will, if those assholes at Lowe’s ever deliver the friggin’ sheet rock.”

That’s the thing…why do you feel you must tell…ANYONE.  None of us CARE!  But even if we did care, you are obviously a male, wishing you are a typewriter doesn’t make you one.  Although it does make you a MORON!

Manager, this is now classified as biological warfare.

You know you are really and truly stressed when you start getting on you OWN Nerves…

LOVE that one

Stop saying that marriage is just a piece of paper.  So is money, but you get up everyday and work hard for it, don’t you?  So work hard for your marriage, work hard for your relationship, take it seriously.  For better or for worse, till death do you part.

May your success offend the crap out of the people who can’t stand to see you win.

And tickle pink the people who want nothing but the best for you.

Because the democrats are basically evil, their logic makes sense only to other evil people

I want to get this one in, right at the beginning of this section because it’s really important!  So please, pay attention to this one.  As someone who is moving very soon to Social Security this is pretty important to me.

A woman, or man dies at age 65 before collecting one benefit check. She/He and her employer paid into the system for almost 50 years and she collected NOTHING

Keep in mind all the working people that die every year who were paying into the system and got nothing.

And these governmental morons mismanaged the money and stole from the system, so that it’s now going broke.

BEAUTIFUL!

And they have the audacity to call today’s seniors “vultures” in an attempt to cover their ineptitude.

DISGRACEFUL!

The real reason for renaming our Social Security payments is so the government can claim that all those social security recipients are receiving entitlements thus putting them in the same category as welfare, and food stamp recipients.

THIS IS WORTH THE FEW MINUTES IT TAKES TO READ AND DIGEST!

F.Y.I.

By changing the name of SS contributions, it gives them a means to refute this program in the future. It’s free money for the government to spend under this guise.

The Social Security check is now (or soon will be) referred to as a Federal Benefit Payment ?

I will be part of the one percent to forward this. I am forwarding it because it touches a nerve in me, and I hope it will in you.

Please keep passing it on until everyone in our country has read it.

The government is now referring to our Social Security checks as a “Federal Benefit Payment.”

This is NOT a benefit.

It is OUR money, paid out of our earned income!

Not only did we all contribute to Social Security, but our employers did too! It totaled 15% of our income before taxes. (This should be enough for you to forward this message, if not read on.)

If you averaged $30K per year over your working life, that’s close to $180,000 invested in Social Security. 

If you calculate the future value of your monthly investment in social security ($375/month, including both you and your employers’ contributions) at a meager 1% interest rate compounded monthly, after 40 years of working you’d have more than $1.3+ million dollars saved .

This is your personal investment. Upon retirement, if you took out only 3% per year, you’d receive $39,318 per year, or $3,277 per month .

That’s almost three times more than today’s average Social Security benefit of $1,230 per month, according to the Social Security Administration. (Google it – it’s a fact).

And your retirement fund would last more than 33 years (until you’re 98 if you retire at age 65)!

I can only imagine how much better most average-income people could live in retirement if our government had just invested our money in low-risk interest-earning accounts.

Instead, the folks in Washington pulled off a bigger Ponzi scheme than Bernie Madoff ever did (or Lyndon Johnson).

They took our money and used it elsewhere. They “forgot”(oh yes, they knew) that it was OUR money they were taking.

They did not have a referendum to ask us if we wanted to lend the money to them…and they didn’t pay interest on the debt they assumed.

And recently they have told us that the money won’t support us for very much longer. (Isn’t it funny that they NEVER say this about welfare payments ?)

But is it our fault they misused our investments? And now, to add insult to injury, they are calling it a benefit, as if we never worked to earn every penny of it

This is stealing !

Just because they borrowed the money, does not mean that our investments were for charity!

Let’s take a stand.

We have earned our right to Social Security and Medicare. Demand that our legislators bring some sense into our government.

Find a way to keep Social Security and Medicare going for the sake of the 92% of our population who need it.

Then call it what it is:

Our Earned Retirement Income .

Sadly, 90% of people won’t forward this because they don’t get it or are too lazy or have lost hope, but if we don’t and congress knows we aren’t stupid or gullible, they’ll move on to the next way to screw us.

 Thanks for at least reading this.

Folks, this is OUR money.  Not even all of OUR money.  Most of us will never even recoup the amount of money we put in and yet the government is saying that in a few years there won’t be any money left.  Why not?  I’m still putting money in.  They screwed up BAD!  WE NEED TO ELECT REPRESENTATIVES WHO PROMISE NOT TO MESS WITH OUR MONEY!  It’s not a benefit.  It’s OUR money.  Our retirement fund.  YOU TOOK IT FROM US and now you’re giving it away free to illegal aliens and other people who never paid a single dime into the system.  You never asked me if you could do that with my money and I  don’t give you my permission to do so.  I’ll tell you what, just give me the $250,000 that I figure that I paid into the fund with 1% interest from 1975 when I first started working and we’ll call it even.  Make it easy on yourselves.  I’ll do 1/2% interest on the lump sum from 1977 when I joined the military…compounded.

Lying, thieving, stealing, bastards.

Democrats today are saying no one, even the president, is above the law.  So my question is, how come illegals are?

I’ll wait…

That is a really good question.  Why is it that we can’t get anyone to answer that one for us?  Well…anyone who is supposed to be in charge.

So…this is an old one, but it is a good one and worth  asking…over and over and over again!!!

So…if shutting down Russia’s Pipeline is supposed to cripple Their Economy, why did we shut OURS down?

Asking for a friend…

And the whole United States!!!

Eye drops are technically “Blinker Fluid”

Oh the irony!

Bro, this happens to many of us.

My new girlfriend told me I’m terrible in bed.

I told her it’s unfair to make a judgement in less than a minute.

Can someone please tell me what the lowest rank in the Army is? 

Every time I ask someone, they tell me “it’s private.”

Hmmm, in a sense, Marsha’s response was also kinda … um … limp, but on the other hand, she’s pretty much calling Joe out.  So, we’re going to have to hold on until Thursday for Joe’s response.  Let’s do a couple more funnies then.

Respect The Old

when you are young.

Help The Weak

when you are strong.

Confess Your Faults

when you are wrong.

Because one day in life you will be
old, weak, and wrong.

Let’s face it.  Seeing a camel toe in leopard print tights at Walmart is probably the closest any of us will ever get to going on an African Safari.

Relationship Status:
(   )  Single
(   )  In a relationship
(   )  Married
(   )  Engaged
(   )  Divorced
(X)  Waiting for a miracle

Promise me not to hide yourself when you’re in pain, it’s unfair that we laughed together but you cried alone.

Wow!

Dr. Trina said, “I see you gained 10 more pounds since your last visit.” 

I replied, “I don’t understand.  I’ve been walking more than ever.”

Without looking up she says, “Where ya walking to, the restaurant?”

And finally, I thought I’d share a true story…don’t judge…

When I first moved into my house it was haunted by a poltergeist, so I just walked around naked for a week and it never came back.

And that’s it for today my friends.  Oh, and before you ask, I never said it was MY true story.  Have a wonderful week, until we meet again.

Welcome to the Weekend!  

Thank goodness it’s the weekend.  Our world is falling apart.  The Biden administration is EVIL.  Now they are talking about punishing those of us with good credit by making us pay more for things like mortgage payments to make up for those of us with not so good credit so they don’t have to pay as much.

Equity.

ARE     YOU     KIDDING     ME     !?!?!

There are more well off Republicans who do the right thing and take care of their finances than there are Democrats.  There are more Democrats with poor credit who have not taken care of their finances than the Republicans.  So this is a way for the Democrats to take care of their own and punish the other side.  At least in my opinion.  (and by their logic, or so it seems).

Just another instance of these EVIL people who are supposed to be God fearing trustees of our welfare and instead, they take advantage of us for their own agenda and their own gain.  It is just wrong!

Anyway, mini-rant over…

The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator, “Do you know what I use this for?”

The navigator replied timidly, “No, what’s it for?”

The pilot responded, “I use this on navigators who get me lost!”

The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table.

The pilot asked, “What’s that for?”

“To be honest sir,” the navigator replied, “I’ll know we’re lost before you will.”

I had purchased a talking metronome while I was attending a conference in New York for music teachers.

Before my son and I boarded our flight home, I hefted my carry-on bag onto the security-check conveyor belt.

The guard’s eyes widened as he watched the monitor. He asked what I had in the bag, then slowly pulled out the six-by-three-inch black box covered with dials and switches.

Other travelers, sensing trouble, vacated the area.

“A metronome,” I replied weakly, as my son cringed in embarrassment. “It’s a talking metronome,” I insisted. “Look, I’ll show you.”

I took the box and flipped a switch, realizing that I had no idea how it worked, “One… two… three… four,” it said.

Everyone breathed a sigh of relief.

As we gathered our belongings, my son whispered, “Aren’t you glad it didn’t go ‘four… three… two… one…’?”

Yes, this is the rent payment on the castle.  That’s ALL that is!

What is the difference between a golf ball and a g-spot? 

 

Men will spend two hours searching for a golf ball. 

This is called “Dragon’s Eye” and it’s been sent in by Joe from NJ:

Dragon’s Eye is a stunning location located on the border of Arizona and Utah, USA. Despite its exceptional natural beauty, this area is often overlooked and underrated by visitors. It is a part of the Vermilion Cliffs National Monument and is characterized by crumbled rock cliffs and exposed strata canyons that showcase the slow but steady effects of erosion from the Jurassic period.

One of the main attractions of Dragon’s Eye is the several small pools of water found in the White Pocket section of the Paria Plateau.

These pools are formed by groundwater slowly collecting over time, causing the surrounding sandstone to shred and crack into unique formations. The landscape of White Pocket is considered to be some of the most distinctive and unusual in North America due to its colourful striations, bending rock protrusions, and outreaches that resemble the surface of Mars…

Interestingly, this geological phenomenon was only discovered about a decade ago by National Geographic photographers who were exploring and photographing the Vermilion Cliffs area. Even geologists find it challenging to explain the origin of this unique landscape. The natural beauty of White Pocket is truly exceptional and should not be missed by those visiting the region.

Hung Chow calls in to work and says,

“Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work.”

The boss says,

“You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. Makes everything better and I can go to work. You try.”

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again:

“Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house.”

“I got the music in me…”

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That’s relativity.

-Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

A woman walks into her boss’s office with this complaint:

“All the other women in the office are suing you for sexual harassment.

Since you haven’t sexually harassed me, I’m suing you for discrimination.

A police car pulls up in front of Grandma Bessie’s house, and Grandpa Morris gets out.

The polite policeman explains that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park and couldn’t find his way home.

“Oh, Morris,” says grandma, “you’ve been going to that park for 30 years! How could you get lost?”

Leaning close to grandma so that the policeman can’t hear, Morris whispers, “I wasn’t lost; I was just too tired to walk home.”

This is an old classic sent in by Joe from NJ:

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down.

After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit’s head, and said, “You’re under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I’ll blow your brains out.”

But the bandit didn’t speak English, and the Ranger didn’t speak Spanish.

Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger’s message.

The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.

“What did he say?” asked the Ranger.

The lawyer answered, “He said Get lost, Gringo dog, you don’t have the guts shoot me.'”

I have so many questions…but first, yes there is…

Um…no more questions, well…other than…WHY????

A man goes into his doctors office for an annual physical. After a while, the doctor comes out and says, “I’m sorry Bill, but we have discovered you have a condition which only allows you another 6 weeks to live.” 

“But Doctor,” Bill replied, “I feel great. I haven’t felt better in years. This just can’t be true. Isn’t there anything I can do?” 

After a moment the doctor said, “Well, you might start going down the street to that new health spa and take a mud bath every day.” 

Excitedly Bill asked, “And that will cure me?” 

“No,” Replied the doctor, “but it will get you used to the dirt.” 

Yeah, me too.

So much truth in one little picture.

What is the similarity between a video recorder and a man? 

 

They go forwards, backwards, forwards, and backwards, stop and eject! 

Irish Slang

Banjaxed – Broken, can also mean tired or worn out

Bollox – The word is known primarily as Irish slang for testicles or balls.  Spelled sometimes bollix or bollocks.

Feck/Feck off/Fecker – the Irish version of…you can probably work it out for yourself.

Teacher shortage, Police shortage, Boarder Agent shortage.
Let’s hire 87,000 IRS agents and fix everything!

Not going to be real popular for this statement:  but undisciplined children grow up to be undisciplined and disrespectful adults. (Never mind, in the right circles, I’ll be very popular for that statement)

Principal:  Hey, your child has been causing problems in school. 

Me:  My child causes problems at home, too.  Do I ever call you?

Dear Twitter Employees:  Just go find another job;  like you told us to to!
Sincerely,
Keystone Pipeliners

Whatever happens, please don’t buy all the freaking toilet paper again.

I think that is a GREAT gag!  Nicely done Babylon Bee

Another golden oldie…

A man left for work one Friday morning.

Instead of going home after work, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending all his wages. When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife. After a while she stopped nagging and said, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”

“That would be fine with me”, he replied.

Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same result.

Thursday;  The swelling went down just enough to see her a little out the corner of his left eye.

The Genius of Steven Wright

Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.

-Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

I know this is the part you guys have been waiting for.  If you remember, Marsha came back with a real zinger, asking how long it was before Adam needed to be rescued by Eve and Joe has now sent in his reply…

Are we ready!?!?

Are we excited!?!?

Here we go!!!

Marsha, Marsha, Marsha,

All that cackling and no eggs!

…Joe in NJ

…

…

Um…

Yeah…what he said.  (A little light there, brother…)

Okay, so the next one is back to Marsha!  Woo Hoo!  Let’s do this!!!

Let’s move over to a comment…from Leah…that I really don’t get…

For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. 

Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. 

Well, that’s what happens to cheese when you leave it out. 

The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. 

The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. 

He tried the machine out and lost a finger. 

The chef’s claim was approved. 

These two ol’ boys in the Ozarks bought a new mule, but had trouble getting him in their barn. Every time they would get him to the door, his ears would brush the top of the doorway and he’d start kicking and go wild. 

Finally, they decide the best way to solve the problem is to jack up the barn. So, they go out and get a half dozen jacks. 

The two Ozarkians are scrambling from jack to jack to try to get the barn raised when this neighbor walks up. “Wot chall doin?” Big Bubba asks. 

“We’s raisin thuh barn, yuh stoopid Ooozearkian ” Billy Bob says. 

“Why you do dat?” 

“Cause thuh mule’s ears keep touchin’ thuh doorway when we try to put him in iss-here barn and he goes haf-crazy wild,” Billy Bob says. “He kicked Ernest Wayne plumb in thuh haid twicet already.” 

“Why come you don’ just dig de hole in de doorway? Dat way him got to go down when he get to de do’ an him ear don’t touch nutin.” 

“Ya stoopid  *%#^ Ernest Wayne chimes in. “It’s his ears at’s too long, not his laigs!” 

A woman goes to her doctor, complaining that her husband is 300% impotent.

The doctor says, “I’m not sure I understand what you mean.”

She says, “Well, the first 100% you can imagine. In addition, he burned his tongue and broke his finger!”

And that is it my dear friends.  Until Monday.  I hope you all have a wonderful weekend.  May you be blessed with Love and Happiness until we meet again.

It’s Thursday.  Well, it’s actually Sunday.  But, for you guys, reading this, it’s Thursday.  And no, you’re right, we DON’T have to go through this every time.  So, for the time being, until we get some things sent in from other people, why don’t we go ahead and start into the laughter portion of our flight.

That is definitely me!

Morty and Selma

Morty and Selma, an elderly couple, were driving across the country.

The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.

The officer asked, “Ma’am did you know you were speeding?”

Selma, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?”

Morty yelled, “He says you were speeding!”

The patrolman said, “May I see your license?”

Selma turned to her husband once again and asked, “What did he say?”

Morty yelled, “He wants to see your license!”

Selma gave the officer her license.

The patrolman then said, “I see you are from New York. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the most annoying woman I’ve ever met.”

Selma turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?”

Morty yells, “He said he thinks he knows you!”

Naval Conference

A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference in London that included admirals from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian, and French navies.

At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a group of half a dozen or so officers that included personnel from most of the countries.

Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks, but a French Admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English.

He then asked, “Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?”

Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied, “Maybe it’s because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies, and Americans arranged it so you wouldn’t have to speak German.”

Remember when you could strangle people with your phone?

Those were the days, right?

I MUST CREATE THIS ROUTINE!!!!!

Relaxing with my fellow townspeople. 

The Charm of Irish Pub Hospitality

Two Irishmen went into a pub in Dublin and asked for two pints of Guinness.  The barman, cleaning the tables said, “Sorry, we don’t open for another hour.”

One of the men asked, “Mind if we wait?”

“No,” said the Barman, “Would you like a pint while you’re waiting?”

Absolutely, the perfect analogy.   

I thought I broke my ankle last night when I tripped over a box of Kleenex, but the doctor said it’s only tissue damage.

When I was young, I was poor.  But after years of hard, honest and painstaking work, I’m no longer young.

Locked away from the same world that I live in.

Cashier:  That’ll be $19.94.

Me:  [pulls out $50 bill]

Cashier:  Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills.  Have anything smaller?

Me:  [pulls out $25 bill]

 

Put 100 women and 10 men on a desert island and in 100 years you would have a thriving community consisting of men, women, and children.  Put 100 sex reassignment surgery men and 10 women on a desert island and in 100 years you would have 110 skeletons.

I woke up this morning with a terrible hangover…to the sound of my neighbor mowing his lawn. 

I was going to get up.

Then I thought, “Nah, he can mow around me!”

Just went into the shop and said, “Can I pay by card?”

He said, “No problem, what card do you have?”

I said, “The six of spades…”

This is an oldie but goodie…

1998:
“Don’t get in a car with strangers.”

2008:
“Don’t meet people from the internet alone.”

2019:
UBER…
Order yourself a stranger from the internet to get into a car with alone.

NOW ACCEPTING APPLICATIONS FOR:

PARTNER IN CRIME

MUST BE FLUENT IN SMART-ASS,
SARCASM, AND ADULT LANGUAGE.

QUESTIONABLE MORALS AND 
NUDITY MAY BE REQUIRED.

A mother had been teaching her three-year daughter, Caitlin, the Lord’s prayer. 

For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after her mother the lines from the prayer.

Finally, she decided to go solo. 

The mother listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: “Lead us not into temptation,” she prayed, “but deliver us some E-mail. Amen.”

I met Bob the other day for lunch and he looked a little out of it. I asked him what was wrong. 

He said, “I’ve had this funny feeling for a little while. Not funny “ha-ha”, but funny strange. 

It’s a surrealistically subconscious feeling that I was abducted by aliens and thoroughly probed. 

Then a friend of mine told me that a bunch of my friends got me really drunk and dropped me off at a gay bar. The bastards.” 

A boss was determined not to hire an Irishman, so he decided to set a test for Murphy, hoping he wouldn’t be able to answer the questions and he’d be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument. 

The first question was, ‘Without using numbers, represent the number 9.’ 

So Murphy say’s, “Dat’s easy” and proceeds to draw three trees. 

The boss says, “What the hell’s that?” Murphy says, “Tree ‘n tree ‘n tree makes nine.” 

“Fair enough,” says the boss. “Second question, same rules, but represent 99.” 

Murphy stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree. “Der ya go sir,” he says. 

The boss scratches his head and says, “How on earth do you get that to represent 99?” 

Murphy says, “Each trees dirty now! So it’s dirty tree, ‘n dirty tree,’n dirty tree, dat’s 99” 

The boss is getting worried he’s’ going to have to hire Murphy, so he says “All right, question three. Same rules again, but represent the Number 100.” 

Murphy stares into space again, then he shouts, “Got it!” 

He makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says, “There ya go sir, 100.” 

The boss looks at Murphy’s attempt and thinks, “Ha! Got him this time.” “Go on Murphy, you must be mad if you think that represents a hundred!” 

Murphy leans forward and points to the marks at the tree bases, and says, “A little dog comes along and poos by each tree, so now you’ve got dirty tree an’ a turd, dirty tree an’ a turd, dirty tree an’ a turd, which makes one hundred. When do I start me job?” 

And here we are again, waiting for our dear friend Marsha to respond, it is her turn…and here we go:

Okay, so that answers the question about there being another type of ketchup other than tomato ketchup…thanks Dave!

And then we’ve got this one…

Yeah, if the government takes your land, you deserve to get paid.  If the government takes your great-great-grandfather’s land and nobody had ever done anything about it, you’re going to have a tough fight convincing me that my tax dollars need to pay you back when you didn’t lose anything.  I repeat my earlier statement.  There is nobody alive today who is or was a slave.  Nobody alive today deserves any sort of my money as a reparation.  And if that means that your kids are going to keep robbing liquor and jewelry stores, then they will get their punk butts thrown in prison where they belong.  And if they try to rob MY house, they won’t make it to prison, or even to court.

A Scotsman, an Italian and an Irishman are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

Then the Scotsman says, “Aye, tis a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Edinburgh, there’s a better one. 

At MacDougal’s, ye buy a drink, ye buy another drink and MacDougal himself will buy yir third drink!” 

The others agree that sounds like a good place.

Then the Italian says, “Yeah, datsa nice bar, but where I comma from, dere’s a better one. Inna Roma, dere’s dis place, Vincenzo’s. 

At Vincenzo’s, you buy a drink, Vincenzo buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vincenzo buys you anudda drink.” 

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Irishman says, “And you think that’s great? Where Oi come from in Dublin, there’s this wee pub called Morphy’s. 

At Morphy’s, they boy you your forst drink, they boy you your second drink, they boy you your tird drink and then they take you in back and get you laid!”

“Wow!” say the other two. “That’s fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?”

“No,” says the Irish guy, “The truth is it happen to me sister!”

Yes, it’s an old joke, but it’s still funny.

Another oldie, but goodie…

A young guy from North Carolina moves to Florida and goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?” The kid says “Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Carolina.”
Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he’d give him a shot, so he gave him the job.
“You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.
“How many customers bought something from you today?” The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, “One”. The boss says “Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.
That will have to change, and soon, if you’d like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Carolina, but you’re not in the mountains anymore, son.”
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), “So, how much was your one sale for?”
The kid looks up at his boss and says “$101,237.65”.
The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?”
The kid says, “Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4×4 Expedition.”
The boss said “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?”
The kid said “No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, ‘Dude, your weekend’s shot, you should go fishing

My daughter’s 5th-grade class had been studying astronomy.

One morning at breakfast she announced, “On Friday we’re having a quiz on the moon.”

That’s when her little brother piped up, saying, “Are you gonna let her go, Mom?”

And that’s it!  Sliding into home plate!  Another homer for the win!  Be well my little camper buddies.