It’s Thursday.  Well, it’s actually Sunday.  But, for you guys, reading this, it’s Thursday.  And no, you’re right, we DON’T have to go through this every time.  So, for the time being, until we get some things sent in from other people, why don’t we go ahead and start into the laughter portion of our flight.

That is definitely me!

Morty and Selma

Morty and Selma, an elderly couple, were driving across the country.

The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.

The officer asked, “Ma’am did you know you were speeding?”

Selma, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?”

Morty yelled, “He says you were speeding!”

The patrolman said, “May I see your license?”

Selma turned to her husband once again and asked, “What did he say?”

Morty yelled, “He wants to see your license!”

Selma gave the officer her license.

The patrolman then said, “I see you are from New York. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the most annoying woman I’ve ever met.”

Selma turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?”

Morty yells, “He said he thinks he knows you!”

Naval Conference

A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference in London that included admirals from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian, and French navies.

At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a group of half a dozen or so officers that included personnel from most of the countries.

Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks, but a French Admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English.

He then asked, “Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?”

Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied, “Maybe it’s because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies, and Americans arranged it so you wouldn’t have to speak German.”

Remember when you could strangle people with your phone?

Those were the days, right?

I MUST CREATE THIS ROUTINE!!!!!

Relaxing with my fellow townspeople. 

The Charm of Irish Pub Hospitality

Two Irishmen went into a pub in Dublin and asked for two pints of Guinness.  The barman, cleaning the tables said, “Sorry, we don’t open for another hour.”

One of the men asked, “Mind if we wait?”

“No,” said the Barman, “Would you like a pint while you’re waiting?”

Absolutely, the perfect analogy.   

I thought I broke my ankle last night when I tripped over a box of Kleenex, but the doctor said it’s only tissue damage.

When I was young, I was poor.  But after years of hard, honest and painstaking work, I’m no longer young.

Locked away from the same world that I live in.

Cashier:  That’ll be $19.94.

Me:  [pulls out $50 bill]

Cashier:  Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills.  Have anything smaller?

Me:  [pulls out $25 bill]

 

Put 100 women and 10 men on a desert island and in 100 years you would have a thriving community consisting of men, women, and children.  Put 100 sex reassignment surgery men and 10 women on a desert island and in 100 years you would have 110 skeletons.

I woke up this morning with a terrible hangover…to the sound of my neighbor mowing his lawn. 

I was going to get up.

Then I thought, “Nah, he can mow around me!”

Just went into the shop and said, “Can I pay by card?”

He said, “No problem, what card do you have?”

I said, “The six of spades…”

This is an oldie but goodie…

1998:
“Don’t get in a car with strangers.”

2008:
“Don’t meet people from the internet alone.”

2019:
UBER…
Order yourself a stranger from the internet to get into a car with alone.

NOW ACCEPTING APPLICATIONS FOR:

PARTNER IN CRIME

MUST BE FLUENT IN SMART-ASS,
SARCASM, AND ADULT LANGUAGE.

QUESTIONABLE MORALS AND 
NUDITY MAY BE REQUIRED.

A mother had been teaching her three-year daughter, Caitlin, the Lord’s prayer. 

For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after her mother the lines from the prayer.

Finally, she decided to go solo. 

The mother listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: “Lead us not into temptation,” she prayed, “but deliver us some E-mail. Amen.”

I met Bob the other day for lunch and he looked a little out of it. I asked him what was wrong. 

He said, “I’ve had this funny feeling for a little while. Not funny “ha-ha”, but funny strange. 

It’s a surrealistically subconscious feeling that I was abducted by aliens and thoroughly probed. 

Then a friend of mine told me that a bunch of my friends got me really drunk and dropped me off at a gay bar. The bastards.” 

A boss was determined not to hire an Irishman, so he decided to set a test for Murphy, hoping he wouldn’t be able to answer the questions and he’d be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument. 

The first question was, ‘Without using numbers, represent the number 9.’ 

So Murphy say’s, “Dat’s easy” and proceeds to draw three trees. 

The boss says, “What the hell’s that?” Murphy says, “Tree ‘n tree ‘n tree makes nine.” 

“Fair enough,” says the boss. “Second question, same rules, but represent 99.” 

Murphy stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree. “Der ya go sir,” he says. 

The boss scratches his head and says, “How on earth do you get that to represent 99?” 

Murphy says, “Each trees dirty now! So it’s dirty tree, ‘n dirty tree,’n dirty tree, dat’s 99” 

The boss is getting worried he’s’ going to have to hire Murphy, so he says “All right, question three. Same rules again, but represent the Number 100.” 

Murphy stares into space again, then he shouts, “Got it!” 

He makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says, “There ya go sir, 100.” 

The boss looks at Murphy’s attempt and thinks, “Ha! Got him this time.” “Go on Murphy, you must be mad if you think that represents a hundred!” 

Murphy leans forward and points to the marks at the tree bases, and says, “A little dog comes along and poos by each tree, so now you’ve got dirty tree an’ a turd, dirty tree an’ a turd, dirty tree an’ a turd, which makes one hundred. When do I start me job?” 

And here we are again, waiting for our dear friend Marsha to respond, it is her turn…and here we go:

Okay, so that answers the question about there being another type of ketchup other than tomato ketchup…thanks Dave!

And then we’ve got this one…

Yeah, if the government takes your land, you deserve to get paid.  If the government takes your great-great-grandfather’s land and nobody had ever done anything about it, you’re going to have a tough fight convincing me that my tax dollars need to pay you back when you didn’t lose anything.  I repeat my earlier statement.  There is nobody alive today who is or was a slave.  Nobody alive today deserves any sort of my money as a reparation.  And if that means that your kids are going to keep robbing liquor and jewelry stores, then they will get their punk butts thrown in prison where they belong.  And if they try to rob MY house, they won’t make it to prison, or even to court.

A Scotsman, an Italian and an Irishman are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

Then the Scotsman says, “Aye, tis a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Edinburgh, there’s a better one. 

At MacDougal’s, ye buy a drink, ye buy another drink and MacDougal himself will buy yir third drink!” 

The others agree that sounds like a good place.

Then the Italian says, “Yeah, datsa nice bar, but where I comma from, dere’s a better one. Inna Roma, dere’s dis place, Vincenzo’s. 

At Vincenzo’s, you buy a drink, Vincenzo buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vincenzo buys you anudda drink.” 

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Irishman says, “And you think that’s great? Where Oi come from in Dublin, there’s this wee pub called Morphy’s. 

At Morphy’s, they boy you your forst drink, they boy you your second drink, they boy you your tird drink and then they take you in back and get you laid!”

“Wow!” say the other two. “That’s fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?”

“No,” says the Irish guy, “The truth is it happen to me sister!”

Yes, it’s an old joke, but it’s still funny.

Another oldie, but goodie…

A young guy from North Carolina moves to Florida and goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?” The kid says “Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Carolina.”
Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he’d give him a shot, so he gave him the job.
“You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.
“How many customers bought something from you today?” The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, “One”. The boss says “Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.
That will have to change, and soon, if you’d like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Carolina, but you’re not in the mountains anymore, son.”
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), “So, how much was your one sale for?”
The kid looks up at his boss and says “$101,237.65”.
The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?”
The kid says, “Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4×4 Expedition.”
The boss said “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?”
The kid said “No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, ‘Dude, your weekend’s shot, you should go fishing

My daughter’s 5th-grade class had been studying astronomy.

One morning at breakfast she announced, “On Friday we’re having a quiz on the moon.”

That’s when her little brother piped up, saying, “Are you gonna let her go, Mom?”

And that’s it!  Sliding into home plate!  Another homer for the win!  Be well my little camper buddies.

Monday and back to work.  The weekend goes by so fast.  

But since I’m writing this on Saturday morning, virtually hours after I finished the last episode, what the heck do I know about the weekend?  It hasn’t happened yet.  

Lots of stuff to have fun with today.  Some special stuff to share and a battle between friends to continue.  It’s all good fun!  I have a couple of rants to share with you, if I think that I can do it without completely losing it and burning down a village or five.  I was SO TICKED OFF yesterday when I started listening to the news on the radio that I actually screamed at the thing while I was driving down the road.  It was crazy!!  But, we’ll get to that in a little bit since I’m getting angry now just thinking about it.  I want to get some laughs in before I start screaming.  That way maybe fewer people will end up homeless.

So, without further ado.

This is from Stephen B. where a video montage that was sent out, set up a memory montage of his own that he shared with us, that I’m now going to share with you guys here:

While I was watching one of your videos I saw an old time snow blower for train tracks:

When I worked for the NYC Transit this was our snow blower…..not much has changed.

I was often called on to work “Snow Duty” for “time and a half” cleaning the switches.  That is not me in the picture.  I was never called on to work on “Snow Duty” on such a nice day though.  Usually it was cold, windy and dark.

It was not worth the extra money!

Thanks for sharing Stephen!  It’s great fun to take a peek into our fellow campers lives.

My Izzy Dragon is enamored of pasta, so this little gif will keep her hypnotized for hours on end.

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in High School was my blood alcohol content.

Another artist’s rendition of your favorite mythological camper…

That’s a really good question…why DO we say tomato ketchup?  Isn’t it obvious?

Okay, here’s my first anger making point.

Why is this administration using $350,000 of OUR money to translate a gross and disgusting group of words into Spanish?  Phrases like “anal fisting” and “jizz”.  This is what I want my money spent on?  We have Veterans, men and women who have offered up their very lives for our country who are living on the STREET! and you are spending money on this GARBAGE!!  Translating my money into ANY language that isn’t ENGLISH is wrong.  If you are going to live in our country, you need to speak our language.  That money would be better spent teaching LEGAL immigrants how to speak ENGLISH rather than changing us to suit them.  MUCH LESS for this CRAP!!!!

You guys know me.  I don’t care what you do in the privacy of your own home.  But, don’t push it off on me or my family and don’t make me try to think like it’s right.  And the whole Spanish thing… I learned Spanish in High School.  Great, I think everyone needs to learn at least one foreign language, but there is a time and a place for everything.

THIS IS NEITHER THE TIME NOR THE PLACE!!!  We are so far in debt right now as a country, why are you spending my money on this CRAP!!!

End of part 1

Mo, heard her husband, Nate, come back into the house not too long after he had left. 

Mo said, “Hon, I thought you were going to your lodge meeting.” 

“It was postponed.” Nate replied. 

“The wife of the Grand Exalted Invincible Supreme Potentate wouldn’t let him go out tonight.” 

Okay, part 2.  This is the one that made me scream while I was in the car.  Driving down the road and I heard this quote:

“There’s only one thing that would stop our children from busting into these liquor stores; there’s only one thing that would stop our kids from busting into these jewelry stores, stealing watches and jewelry, and that’s reparations,” 

Pay me or I won’t stop stealing from you.

ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME!!!!!!   HOW DARE YOU!!!  WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!?!  You are a slime covered parasite.  Nobody alive today was a slave in the United States.  Everybody enjoys the freedoms that the military fought and died for.  If ANYONE deserves reparations it’s current and past military members.  But, you’ll notice that none of them are asking for anything other than what they were promised that they are not getting.

And what about my ancestors?  The Polish slaves that were forced to work in the mines.  Or the Irish slaves that were forced to work on the railroad.  Or the blacks that owned slaves themselves?  Are their ancestors going to PAY reparations?

KNOCK THE STUPID CRAP OFF!!!  YOU DON’T DESERVE ANYTHING THAT YOU HAVEN’T WORKED FOR!!  YOU HAVE THE EXACT SAME OPPORTUNITIES THAT EVERY OTHER INDIVIDUAL IN THESE FREE UNITED STATES HAVE!!!!   

I’m so tired of this NONSENSE!!!!   

How dare you threaten the rest of us with continued robbery and violence if you don’t get what you want!!

Like a spoiled CHILD who throws a tantrum and kicks their feet when they don’t get their way!  And that’s because their parents didn’t raise them properly.  

YOU DO NOT HAVE ANY MORE, NOR ANY LESS RIGHTS THAN ANYBODY ELSE DOES.  You can’t have it both ways.  On the one hand you are screaming about how racist all the rest of us are and how you deserve this and on the other hand you are proving everyone’s point by being the lawless, crass, parasites they say you are by threatening continued violence and lawlessness if you don’t get your blackmail.  

And it’s OUR fault there’s such a disparity in the jail population and court judgements against YOU?

PLEASE! 

Grow the heck up!

Okay, I think I held my breath through writing that whole thing.  One go through; no retakes.  And I’m pretty happy with it.  I hope to hear your responses on both of my rants for today.  And now…moving on…

My good buddy Bruce, sent me this embarrassing selfie.  I laughed so hard when he told me that it took him almost 8 hours to get out of the vines that this girl he picked up in the bar tied him up in.  And then, once he was out, he found out that he had been robbed blind in his spooky mansion that he lives in.  I told him that he shouldn’t have chased his ward and his butler out for the evening.  But he thought he was going to get lucky.

Two farmers where discussing who had the meanest dog.

One who had a very mean looking Doberman insisted that his was the meanest and that it could lick any other dog in the county.

The second just looked at his mangy old yellow dog and said that he would wager his against any dog in the country.

Well after some animated discussion they finally decided to let the dogs fight it out. After a very short snarling match the old yellow dog leaps on the Doberman and kills it outright.

The first farmer was aghast. His dog had been beating other dogs for years and had never had more than a small scratch or two. He turns to the other farmer and asks, “What kind of dog did you say that was?”

The first farmer replies, “Well before he lost his tail we called him a Mountain Lion!”

There’s an Englishman, Irishman, and Scotsman all talking about their teenage daughters.

The Englishman says: ” I was cleaning my daughter’s room the other day & I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn’t even know she smokes!

The Scotsman says: “That’s nothing. I was cleaning my daughter’s room the other days when I found a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn’t even know she drank!”

With that the Irishman says: “Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter’s room the other day when I found a packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn’t even know she had a willy!”

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. “I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family,” said the man. “To show you how much we care for you, I’m making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations.”

The son-in-law interrupted. “I hate factories. I can’t stand the noise.”

“I see,” replied the father-in-law. “Well then you’ll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.”

“I hate office work,” said the son-on-law. “I can’t stand being stuck behind a desk all day.”

“Wait a minute,” said the father-in-law. “I just made you a half-owner of a profitable corporation, but you don’t like factories and won’t work in a office. What am I going to do with you?”

“Easy,” said the young man. “Buy me out!!!”

The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.

Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, “Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that’s your pa.”

If you remember, Marsha fired back at Joe … do we need to review?  Sure we do, from our last issue…

I don’t have any political stuff to add to today’s issue, so I thought I’d start a fight instead.  Here’s a directed comment from one of my favorite people to another of my favorite people.  So, let’s see where this one goes.  This ought to be fun.  And…before I put anything here, let me just say, that’s it’s only in fun, because we all know that we all love each other around here, right!?!  Okay, then!  Let’s go!

And I wouldn’t be a friend Marsha, if I didn’t let you know that Joe let me know that he’s got more lined up behind that for when you fire back.

(And for the rest of you, yes I am nudging things along here…LOL!)

And just so you know, this is probably one of the silliest jokes I’ve ever heard…which is exactly why I’m putting it in here.  If you don’t groan when you read the punch line then you aren’t paying any attention at all…

Two guys were working at a sawmill one day when one of the guys got too close to the blade and cut off his arm.

His buddy put the severed arm in a plastic bag and rushed it down to the hospital to get re-attached.

The next day he goes to see his chum and finds him playing tennis.

“Incredible!,” says his friend.

“Medical science is amazing!”

Another month goes by and the same two guys are again at the sawmill working when the same guy gets too close to the spinning blade and this time his leg gets cut off.

Again his buddy takes the leg, puts it in a plastic bag and takes it to the hospital to get re-attached.

The next day, he goes down to see his chum and finds him outside playing soccer.

“Incredible!,” says his friend.

“Medical science is amazing!”

Well, another month goes by and again the same two friends are at the mill cutting wood when suddenly the same guy bends down too close to the blade and off comes his head.

Well, his friend takes the head, puts it in a plastic bag, and heads to the hospital to get it re-attached.

The next day he goes to see his friend but can’t find him.

He sees the doctor walking down the hall and says, “Doc, where is my friend? I brought him in yesterday.”

The doctor thinks for a minute and says, “Oh yeah, some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.”

On March 27, 2023 Transgender-terrorist Murders 6 in Christian School

On March 31, 2023 Biden declares Transgender Day of Visibility

That action speaks volumes about the degeneracy of this depraved and callused administration.

Okay, so the last one is from Babylon Bee…just checking to make sure you guys are awake out there.  But, it is funny and after the last rant I had, wouldn’t surprise me if it were true.

This next one is from Stephen, one of our regular campers, and another good friend.  Here’s what he wrote to me:

At the Lancaster Woodcarving Show there was an artist named Dave Dion (Dave Dion Woodcarving on Facebook).  He had a piece that I thought was so spot on regarding the state of the country.  It is called “Lincoln’s Lament.”  I asked permission from him to post the picture of his piece and he agreed. 

Well, it was such a beautiful and perfect piece, like Stephen said, the perfect statement for what’s going on in our country right now, that I really wanted to share it with you guys as well.  Stephen was so gracious in sharing it with me, so I checked with him to make sure it was alright to share it with you guys and he believes, as do I, that so long as we give the truly talented artist the credit he is due, then we can share the picture of this tremendous piece of artwork.  So here now is:

“Lincoln’s Lament” by Dave Dion of Dave Dion Woodcarving

What a truly great piece.  Thanks to Dave Dion for the creation and letting us share it with the world and thanks to Stephen for bringing to our attention.

Did you hear about the scientist who crossed a carrier pigeon with a woodpecker?

He got a bird that not only delivers messages, but knocks on the door when it gets there.

An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty. 

Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom. 

“Done!” says the angel, who disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning. 

Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. 

One of his colleagues whispers, “Say something.” 

The dean sighs and says, “I should have taken the money.” 

An elderly tenant mentioned to his landlord about the tenants in the apartment over his. 

“Almost every night, they dance on the floor, talk dirty, moan, and scream till midnight.” 

So the landlord asked him if it bothered him, and he expected him to do something about those culprits. 

Nicely he replied, “No, not really. You see, I usually stay up and practice my accordion till about that time almost every night anyway.”

MURPHY’S LAWS FOR PARENTS

1. The tennis shoes you must replace today will go on sale next week. 

2. Leakproof thermoses–will.

3. The chances of a piece of bread falling with the marmelade side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet. 

4. The garbage truck will be two doors past your house when the argument over whose day it is to take out the trash ends. 

5. The shirt your child must wear today will be the only one that needs to be washed or mended. 

6. Gym clothes left at school in lockers mildew at a faster rate than other clothing. 

7. The item your child lost, and must have for school within the next ten seconds, will be found in the last place you look. 

8. Sick children recover miraculously when the pediatrician enters the treatment room. 

9. Refrigerated items, used daily, will gravitate toward the back of the refrigerator. 

10. Your chances of being seen by someone you know dramatically increase if you drive your child to school in your robe and curlers.

Excerpts from classified sections of city newspapers: 

Illiterate? Write today for free help. 

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you’ll never go anywhere again. 

Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included. 

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children. 

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel. 

Stock up and save. Limit: one. 

Semi-Annual after Christmas Sale. 

Year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred. 

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating. 

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. 
Blue Cross and salary. 

Dinner Special — Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00 

For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers. 

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too. 

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand. 

For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex. 

Great Dames for sale. 

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition. 

Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it. 

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours. 

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast. 

For Rent: room hated apartment. 

Man, honest. Will take anything. 

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first. 

Christmas taxable. 
Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person. 

Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential. 

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink. 

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops. 

Wanted. Widower with school age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family. 

And now, the Superstore unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience. We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00. 

Seamus walked into O’Malley’s bar one evening, as was his wont most evenings. 

As he pulled up his customary stool, Sean O’Malley was topping off his customary pint. 

But just as Sean placed the beer on the bar, a fellow climbed onto a dais behind Sean and began reciting in a Very Loud Voice: “There shall be no fisticuffs.” “No patron shall be served more than two drinks at one time.” “No Smoking. By order of the City of New York.” “Management reserves the right…” 

As the voice droned on, Seamus motioned Sean over. “What’s with the grandstanding back there?” 

Sean answered, “I was watching TV the other night. There was some news thing about how business really improves when you do this. I haven’t figured out how he’s going to help me with my inventory yet, but give me a few days.” 

Seamus said, “But what IS he DOING?”  

Came the reply, “He’s my new Bar Code Reader.” 

Portugal forbids non-Portuguese names and names that are a reference to pop culture.  There is an 82-page formal list that details all the banned names.

Wow, never heard of  such a thing!  Thanks Aussie Pete!

Wife:  You pick up dinner.
Me:  Pizza
Wife:  No
Me:  Tacos
Wife:  No
Me:  Subs
Wife:  No
Me:  What do you want?
Wife:  It’s up to you!

And that is going to end our issue for Monday.  Not that we are out of issues, the Good Lord knows there are more than enough issues involved in around here to go around.  Things were fun today in putting this one together.  I hope I hear from you guys as to your feelings on either or both of my two rants.  Marsha, it’s your turn, dear friend.  Let Joe have it!  And for those of you who want to write the very best way to get ahold of any of us here at Dragon Laffs, Inc is to use this email:

That’s the one that I try to clear between every single issue so that I know that I’ve gotten the very recent information.  My outlook, where ALL the other emails get funneled to has 1400 unread emails dating back several months.  I’m trying folks, truly I am.

Anyway, that’s it for today.

It is Saturday again.  And again we’ve wound around through a whole week of work and stuff.  Mostly stuff and stuff.  Mostly stuff and stuff.  I’ve facilitated several classes, participated in an exercise, studied a LOT of different things and … well … stuff.

But right now, it’s very late on Friday.  I’ve run out of time AGAIN this week, as is usual when I get to this point in the week, so now I am going to get right to the laughter, which is the part that you guys want to see anyway.

A student in a science class wrote, “The universe is a giant orgasm” (instead of organism).

At the end of the student’s essay, the teacher riposted, “Your answer gives new meaning to the Big Bang Theory.”

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex.

The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her it is still experimental and tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner. So, that night at dinner, she does.

About a week later she’s back at the doctor. She says, “Doc, the pill worked great!! I put it in the potatoes as you said! It wasn’t five minutes and he jumps up, rakes all the food and dishes on the floor, grabs me, rips all my clothes off and ravages me right on the table!”

The doctor says, “I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages.”

“Naah…”, she says, “that’s okay. We aren’t going back to Red Lobster anyway.

Another one of my baby pictures.  No, I’m not going to tell you which one I am.

Mother Superior was walking in the garden one day when she  saw a novice nun working in the vegetable patch. 

Unfortunately  every seed she planted was stolen by the birds, which were sitting, watching her from nearby. 

“Fuck off!” she shouted, “Just fuck off!” 

Mother Superior was quite disgusted by this and called her over. 

“Young lady……. That is NOT how a young nun behaves. Next  time the birds steal your seeds, just say shoo…….shoo….and they’ll FUCK OFF by themselves….” 

All desirable things in life are either 

ILLEGAL, BANNED, FATTENING, OR MARRIED TO OTHERS. 

Can you remember where you saw this one?  Talking about friends?  That’s right!  One of my headers

How ironic that the shortest sentence is “I am,” and the longest sentence is “I do.” 

The Lord of the manor returned from his grouse hunt quite a bit earlier than expected. He entered the master bedroom to change, and found her Ladyship making passionate love to Sir Archibald Carpley.

The irate Lord stood stiffly and loudly berated his wife for her infidelity. With thunder in his voice, he reminded her that he had taken her from a miserable existence on a local run-down farm, given her a fine home, provided her with servants, expensive clothes and jewels, and almost anything she desired.

By this time the woman was crying inconsolably, his Lordship then turned his wrath on his supposed friend: “And as for you Archie — you might at least stop while I’m talking!”

I don’t have any political stuff to add to today’s issue, so I thought I’d start a fight instead.  Here’s a directed comment from one of my favorite people to another of my favorite people.  So, let’s see where this one goes.  This ought to be fun.  And…before I put anything here, let me just say, that’s it’s only in fun, because we all know that we all love each other around here, right!?!  Okay, then!  Let’s go!

Mens personal ads

40-ish… 52 and looking for 25-year-old.

Athletic… sits on the couch and watches sport.

Average looking… unusual hair growth on ears, nose and back.

Educated… will always treat you like an idiot.

Free spirit. . . sleeps with your sister.

Friendship first… as long as friendship involves nudity.

Fun… good with a remote and a six-pack.

Good looking… arrogant.

Honest… pathological liar.

Huggable… overweight, more body hair than a bear.

Likes to cuddle… insecure, overly dependent.

Mature… until you get to know him.

Open-minded… wants to sleep with your sister but she’s not interested.

Physically fit.. . I spend a lot of time in front of mirror admiring myself.

Poet… has written on a toilet wall.

Spiritual… once went to church with his grandmother on Easter Sunday.

Stable… occasional stalker, but never arrested.

Thoughtful… says ‘please’ when demanding a beer

Knowledge is free at the library. Just bring your own container.

Unknown

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

And that seems to be a really good place to end this and go to bed.  May you all be blessed with Love and Happiness until we meet again.

So, it’s Thursday.  And I’m working on THIS one over the weekend as well.  I’m trying to get ahead of the game, like I usually do, so that I’m not rushed at the end of the week, like I usually am.  I don’t know how it happens, that as far ahead as I get, I still get behind by the end of the week.  

Before we get started on the fun stuff, I want to throw a comment in here from Leah…

I believe everything you said, Leah, but I will say, at least for this man, that a woman, in too tight clothes, is not attractive at all.  A woman, in proper fitting clothes, is MUCH more attractive.  

Anyway, at this point let’s start with the laughter and move on from there.

Don’t let someone dim your light, simply because it’s shining in their eyes.

When a woman laughs during an argument, please know that the psycho part of her brain has been activated.
Abort Mission!

Sometimes you have to burn a few bridges to keep the crazies from following you.

“Are you my mother?”

Having a teenage daughter is like having a cat that only comes out to eat and hisses when you try and be nice to it.

I like being alone
I like drinking coffee alone and reading alone.
I like riding the bus alone and walking home alone.
It gives me time to think and set my mind free.

I like eating alone and listening to music alone.

But when I see a mother with her child, a girl with her lover, or a friend laughing with his or her best friend, I realize that even though I like being alone, I don’t fancy being lonely.

There is a TON of TRUTH in that one.  I feel EXACTLY the same way.

I’m so old I can remember when servers were waitresses, guests were customers, and team members were employees.

♫♪”Yeah, darlin’, go and make it happen”♪♫
♫♪”Take the world in a love embrace”♪♫
♫♪”Fire all of your guns at once”♪♫
♫♪”And EXPLODE into space!”♪♫

Oh now you KNOW we have to do this:

Which pushed me into this one:

Which in case you didn’t know it, came out about the same time that brother Martin Luther King was killed.  Yeah, that was the time that I was listening to music AND that’s the music I still listen to today because that is REAL music.

 I was on Loop 820, on my way home behind an ambulance. Oddly I noticed a small metal box sitting on the back bumper. When the ambulance turned the corner, the box flew off and landed on the curb. I thought, it’s time to be a good Samaritan, so I pulled over and retrieved it. When I opened it, there was a human toe packed in an ice bag. Holy smoke, I thought! So I called Methodist Hospital and they said, yes, the ambulance had arrived without the box. I gave them my location and asked if they were going to send another ambulance to collect it? The lady replied, “No, we’ll just send a toe truck.” 

This next one is just lots of fun…

I TOLD YOU SO.

Sincerely,
Your Gut Instincts

Us dragons will take them any way we can.

Some people aren’t just missing a screw, the whole toolbox is gone.

A pretty face is NOTHING if you have an ugly heart.

Remember:  Having sex on a regular basis helps keep your memory alive.  I wish you all a GREAT 2016!

A priest walked into a barber shop in Washington, D.C. After he got his haircut, he asked how much it would be. The barber said, “No charge. I consider it a service to the Lord.”

The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayer books and a thank you note from the priest in front of the door.

Later that day, a police officer came in and got his hair cut. He then asked how much it was. The barber said, “No charge. I consider it a service to the community.”

The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and a thank you note from the police officer.

Then, a Senator came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how much it was. The barber said, “No charge. I consider it a service to the country.”

The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 Senators in front of the door.

The United States is 3rd in murders throughout the World

If you remove: 
#1 Chicago
#2 Detroit
#3 Washington DC
#4 St. Louis
#5 New Orleans 

the United States then becomes 189th out of 193 countries in the entire world. 

PS:  All five cities have strict Gun Control Laws.

If You Allow The 
Government To Break The
LAW BECAUSE
Of An Emergency,
They Will Always
Create An Emergency
TO BREAK THE LAW.

Remember in elementary school we picked dandelions and gave them to someone like a bouquet of flowers?  Back then we didn’t know they are worthless weeds, only that they are vibrant and beautiful.  I guess that’s the best part of innocence, you see things for what they are, not what they’re supposed to be.

In a span of 11 years, 115 people died in different weightlifting accidents at gyms.  In the same 11 years, only 1 person died while eating a donut.
Make Good Choices, People!

Relationship Tip For Men:  Tighten the lids on all the jars in the house.  She’ll have to speak to you eventually.

You’d be surprised how quickly employees at Lowe’s assist you after ignoring your for 20 minutes when you try and start a chainsaw.

Don’t be worried about your smartphone and television collecting your data…your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years now.

Things that used to hurt my back:

– Jumping off of garages
– Crashing my bike
– Falling out of a tree
– Diving in the shallow end
– Contact sports

Things that hurt my back now:

– Sneezing
-Washing the dishes
– Brushing my teeth
– Tying my shoes
– Rolling over in bed
– Standing in place for more than ten minutes
– Sitting in place for more than ten minutes

Called Walmart today to see when my W-2 would be in and they gave me a 1-800 number to call.  I call, and after giving the lady all my info, she can’t find me.  She asked what my employee number was and I told her I had no clue.  She asked who my supervisor was and I said I wasn’t sure about that either.  Then she asked what department I worked in and I informed her that I’m a self checkout cashier.  I can’t believe she hung up on me.  Such unprofessionalism from the corporate office.

A police officer came to my housie and asked me where I was between 5 & 6.  He seemed irritated when I answered, “Kindergarten.”

I came home and my dog peed a little because he was happy to see me.
None of my friends pee when they see me.
I’m surrounded by fakes.

And that my dear friends, is that.  Another one in the books and ready for you guys.  I hope you had as much fun listening as I did writing.  May God Bless you all with Love and Happiness until we meet again.

So, I JUST finished Saturday’s episode and figured, since I had a little time before I have to go pick up the Izzy Monster, that I’d get a start on Monday’s issue.  And since Mondays are usually full of issues on their own, this should be interesting.

Please, Please, PLEASE tell me this is a JOKE!!!!  That the world can’t POSSIBLY be this FREAKING SICK!!!!!

Life is short.
Make sure you spend as much time as possible on the Internet arguing with strangers about politics.

A true friend is someone who sees the pain in your eyes while everyone else believes the smile on your face.

The most expensive vehicle to operate, by far, is the Costco shopping cart.

“You couldn’t have drawn me with arms?!  I can’t even scratch my own belly, here!”

80% of the men don’t know why their wife is angry.

You think the other 20% of men know?
Wrong!
They don’t even know their wife is angry!

Marriage is like a deck of cards.  In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond.  By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.

On Christmas Eve, many Japanese go to KFC to enjoy a large portion of chicken wings.  As most Japanese people are either Buddhists or Shintoists, they celebrate Christmas just for the fun of it.

I see where the Girl Scout Cookies are!  Let’s GO!

5 by 5 rule
If it’s not gonna matter in 5 years, don’t spend more than 5 minutes being upset by it.

Interviewer:  How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?  

Me:  That’s when I went to Yale. 

Interviewer:  That’s impressive.  You are hired.  

Me:  Thanks.  I really need this Yob.

• It’s ok to let a fool kiss you, 

  • but don’t let a kiss fool you.

• A kiss is just shopping upstairs 

  • for downstairs merchandise.

• It is better to lose a lover 

  • than love a loser.

• Man with a broken condom 

  • is called a Daddy

• Man who mix Viagra and Ex-Lax, 

  • doesn’t know if he’s coming or going.

• A drunken man’s words 

  • are a sober man’s thoughts.

• Marriage is like a bank account. 

  • You put it in, you take it out, and you lose interest.

• Viagra is like Disneyland … 

  • a one hour wait for a 2-minute ride.

• It is much better to want the mate you do not have 

  • than to have the mate you do not want.

• A joke is like sex. 

  • Neither is any good if you don’t get it.

Be grateful that no matter how much chocolate you eat, your earrings will still fit.

My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?”  She then put on the game and walked away.  Two hours later, I’m like, what is she doing?
She’s napping. 
She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.

For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.  When you’re from Boston and you lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.

Today, nobody showed up to my 8:15 am class.
0 students of about 40.  Sitting in the empty room.
I emailed them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.  
Two minutes later, I get a reply:  “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.”

I don’t get nearly enough credit in life for the things I manage not to say.

“Dad, what did Mount Rushmore look like before it was carved?”
“Well, Sweetie, its natural beauty was absolutely unpresidented.”

Okay, don’t laugh!  We’ve all been there.

Been there — done that.  Then been there several more times, because apparently I never learn.  

“You’re not the boss of me,” I say as I let the dog in and out, 17 times in a row.

I was driving when I saw the flash of a traffic camera.  I figured that my picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though I knew that I was not speeding. 

Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.  Now I began to think that this was quite funny, so I drove even slower as I passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again flashed.

I tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while I rolled past at a snail’s pace.

Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.

You know, you just can’t fix stupid.

I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.

You say I’m messy.
I say my things are arranged in an abstract manner intentionally as a part of my unquenchable thirst for creative expression.

Men are usually too focused on the cleavage in the shirt to notice the crazy in the eyes.

I have a friend who tried to take a selfie in the shower.  But the image was too blurry.  He has selfie steam issues.

I’ll let myself out.

The End. 
Fin. 
Complete. 
Until Next Time.
One last thing.  I just heard while watching the replay of the show Bob Hearts Abishola:  “When you yell at someone to ‘Relax’ it doesn’t make it easy for them to relax.”  And isn’t that the perfect motto for our world today?  We have so many people running around and screaming and trying to relax and be happy and getting tense and upset because they are not relaxed and happy that it’s a self-defeating, never ending circle of despair.  Which is why we need things like Dragon Laffs to help the world battle the nonsense that pervades everyone’s life and, if just for a little while, we can all just smile and laugh a little.
So, with those thoughts in mind, may the Good Lord Bless us all with Love and Happiness until we meet again.