My dear friends.  Today is Wednesday, as you will probably know if I can get this done today, and I am still sitting on my own couch in my own living room, because all of this has been such an incredible mess. 

I just went back and reread what I wrote in my last message to you guys and I’m going to try and basically pick up where I left off. 

A tiny bit of background first.  I think I told you guys that my brother, Ken was sick.  Well, not sick as much as suffering medically.  I won’t go into the issues he had, but suffice to say that he had medical challenges. 

Since I spoke with you last, I have spoken to so many people in Florida.  I truly believe that he told all his friends, “If anything happens to me call my brother in Indiana and here’s his phone number.” because I have gotten call after call from people that, for the most part, I’ve never heard of before.  And each and every one of them said a variation of the same thing to me.  They all said, “Ken was my best friend.”  Then they talked to me on the phone for quite a while and most of them cried. 

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m NOT complaining.  I’m truly amazed and overjoyed.  Ken obviously touched an awful lot of people.  That’s a wonderful thing.  There were other things going on in his life also, but I’m not going to go into that here.  I’m going to focus on the great things in his life.  So many people loved him. 

And they all called me.

I take that back. 

I’m sure no where NEAR everyone called me.  Which astounds me all the more.  But there were a lot.

One of the ladies, who has been friends with Ken, who Ken told me several times was his best friend and whom he’s known for close to 20 years…let me call her … Ekater … (I’m trying to protect people’s names here if you haven’t already figured that out) has been so incredibly helpful from the start, was pretty sure she knew where all Ken’s important papers and will and DD214 and … you get the idea.  She wasn’t able to find it. 

Plus, on top of all that, legally, there is a legal hierarchy in who can make decisions.  Spouse is first (Ken is divorced) then comes children (he has none) then parents (Mom passed away many years ago, Dad has dementia) then siblings.  Funeral home needs letter from healthcare provider about Dad’s condition and then it falls to my sister and I, neither one having precedence over the other. 

In steps the drama.  And I would NEVER air any of this publicly, so we’ll just let it go at that. 

So, at this point in time, we still don’t have a will because we don’t know if Ken did a new will when him and his wife divorced at the beginning of the year.  We don’t know who is authorized to make decisions as far as arrangements are concerned, but I did find out that whoever signs the paperwork at the funeral home is responsible for payment in FULL prior to anything being done.  (I said, “I know when my wife passed away not quite two years ago, they waited for the life insurance…” they said in the state of Florida they don’t really do that, but they might be able to work something out with a bank and the life insurance beneficiary… but we don’t even know who that IS)  So, I may be taking money out of my retirement fund to pay for this, which will completely mess up my retirement.  But I know that God will take care of me.  [On a somewhat related side note, the way the world is going, the rapture may happen at any moment and all this is a completely moot point!  I keep reminding myself that these are all just earthly things!] 

Now, my plans were to fly down there, stay in his house, drive his car while I was there, no big deal, right?  That’s what I thought.  Well, after some VERY unexpected family drama, and not being able to find the will and other things, …wait, what was I calling her … oh yeah … Ekater pointed out that at this point, we have no idea who owns the house or the car or anything! 

I had bought a ticket to fly out Thursday morning, but with us not knowing anything and now not having a place to live, I’d have to book a room…outside of Disneyworld.  When I started pricing that, even using military discounts and such.  I almost maxed out my credit card before I even got done.  So, with everything up in the air and not being able to do anything once I got down there except sit in place and spend money that I don’t really have, I canceled my flight.

And the dear sweet agent at Allegiant Airlines was so understanding.  She told me that we have two options.  Change to a different date…I said I don’t really know…she said or I give you a voucher that you can use at another time.  I said that one!  So, even if it doesn’t line up that I fly out on Allegiant, I may have to fly on Allegiant another time and she dated it so that I have a whole year to use it.  I think I lost $25 on the deal. 

So, now I’m sitting here, 1,043 miles away trying to help as best I can, while not trying to overstep my bounds and staying in my own lane and keep everyone’s … his true best friend, his former wife (who still loves him very much), all his other best friends, all the people he worked with (I’ll show you that in a minute), what’s left of his family, but most of all and most importantly of all Ken himself …wishes and desires for Ken’s final send off. 

And trust me, my dear, dear friends when I tell you, that it is beating me down inside so badly that I can’t hardly take it.  I have counseled with my Pastor twice over this and he has been wonderful.  I have SO MANY people praying for me.  I can feel their strength.  And I need every bit of it. 

I won’t say this is harder than when Mary passed, because it’s not.  That was way harder emotionally and I didn’t have the same bond with God then that I do now.  This is harder different.  Earthly harder. 

So, okay…let’s move just a little off the dime, shall we? 

OH!  First I HAVE to say, thank you, thank you, thank you to EVERYONE who has sent so many GREAT emails and comments and even a phone call or two.  I am blessed by your friendship, your prayers, your caring, and your love.  Thank you. 

A very special thank you to Joseph P. for the truly, TRULY generous gift you sent.  Brother you made me cry.  I have no words.  (I know…all of you out there are saying to yourself, “yeah, right!”)  But truly, from the bottom of my heart, it will indeed help immensely.  You are solving problems my friend. 

Now, let’s move a tiny bit further off the dime.  One of the people that Ken worked with sent me this … I guess you’d call it an internal memo, maybe … at Disney where Ken worked.  I’m going to redact it a little, again protecting names, but I do want to share it with you.

Thank you sir.  That was from Ken’s supervisor, fellow veteran and good friend.  Notice I didn’t say “best” friend.  I spoke with him a few times and he never said they were best friends.  He told me and several others also mentioned it, that the two of them spent many hours talking and discussing many things, a lot of them military and the state of the military.  But, both being veterans, neither would ever dream of saying the other was the “best” friend unless they truly were.  That’s just the way veterans were.  There will always be a bond, just BECAUSE they are both Vets, but being good friends is very often enough.  Besides, Ken was Air Force and he was Army, so… LOL! 

But there is ALWAYS the brotherhood. 

The next question is do I dare try to throw in some laughter to this…thing that has become an issue in and of itself?   You know what?  Let’s do this:  I truly don’t feel much like laughing, especially after everything I just wrote.  And it seems a bit inappropriate to start adding memes and such to the end of this.  Here shortly I have to go and get ready for my Jail Ministry for tonight and I have to tell those guys that I’m going to be gone for possibly a couple of weeks.  So, I’m going to end this here, send it out and try, TRY mind you, to send out a kind of issue before I head out for Florida.  Unless things go batty crazy fast and I turn around and head right out.  But, if that’s the case I’ll try and let you guys know. 

So, for now, and until we speak again, know that each and everyone of you is loved, is deeply appreciated and may you all be blessed by God with Love, Happiness, and Laughter until we meet again.

Cheers! 

Impish Dragon

I don’t know how to say this other than just coming out and saying it. My little brother, the Owl has passed away. I found out last evening when I was on my way home from spending time with my Granddaughters. I got a call from a Deputy in Florida who was extraordinarily kind. He asked me if I was driving, I told him I was just pulling up to my house. He waited for me to stop and said he hated to tell me this way but that they were trying to find me for the past couple of hours and couldn’t.

Then I had to go in the house and find a funeral home in Florida, from Indiana, that would go and pick up his body. At about ten at night. And I have been dealing with things, almost non-stop ever since. I guess I’m about the only next of kin that he has.

I’m going to have to fly to Orlando. Soon, but I don’t know when. I have to get things taken care of at work, first. I have no idea what to do.

I have two requests from you guys. And I know you guys will come through for me like you always have;

#1 Pray for me. Pray that pathways will be opened, that God will be a comforter, and other people will also step up and help in all the things that will need to be done.

#2 Understand that I will be gone from here for an undetermined amount of time, but that I will be back.

My Love and appreciation go out to you all. Impish

It’s Thursday, and as usual, I haven’t had a minute to breath since I last addressed you guys on Sunday.  I think it was Sunday when I last put fingers to keyboard.  

Monday was just a busy day going back to work and putting things together for the week.  Tuesday was darts night where we barely squeezed out a win in steel tip.  6-5.  I don’t know what it is with my dart game lately…I can’t seem to hit anything that I’m aiming for.  Maybe it’s God’s way of telling me that my time can be better spent elsewhere.  I’m certainly not enjoying it like I used to, but I think that’s because it’s something that Mary and I used to do  together…and now that she’s gone, it’s just not the same.

Anyway, then Wednesday is Jail Ministry.  That is always a lot of fun.  And yesterday’s was especially good.  Some good push back from the men, which allowed us to point them in the direction they needed to travel.  Add to that a great Bible Study at lunch on Wednesday where we had … or maybe I had … an epiphany of a sort and it really made Wednesday a good day.

Well, okay, since you asked, I’ll tell you.  Here’s my epiphany…

Our lives are big and long and wonderful things that we get to go through and have experiences in and use to love one another and, hopefully, do good and worthwhile things.  But, they are also these teeny, tiny little miniscule blips of time when you compare them to the rest of eternity.  That time period that we are all working towards after we die.  Picture our lives as a single atom that is floating in the Atlantic Ocean.  And that still isn’t the same, because the Atlantic Ocean has an end, where eternity doesn’t.  But that’s how small our lives are and how large of a reward we’re working toward.  And that large reward can either be an awesome place full of God’s love with a perfected body or it can be a place of continuous pain and torture.  Okay, two more points to my epiphany…for those of you who are worried about something or who are trying to get over something someone said to you or trying to forgive someone for something and finding it hard or something like that?  Right?  You following me?  That is like that atom in the ocean, but now you are concerned with just an electron on that atom…in all that vastness…and when you step back and look at it from an eternal perspective, is that one little incident going to ruin you for the good vastness?  Is that what’s going to push you into the lake of fire?  Are you going to allow that to color your whole existence? 

And my last point–that atom in all that vastness is me (and you) … and that electron on that atom is this very moment in time.  And each of us, everywhere, at every possible second of time, are chock full of these moments and God not only knows about, cares about, and is involved in these moments.  He is committed to each and every one of us, everywhere, every second, of every day for all our little miniscule moments in the vastness of all eternity.  Each of those tiny little bitty things are that important to Him.  He Loves Us That Much!  His Love is so overwhelming.  How can we possibly give Him anything but our very best.  Most especially since our reward is so immense for such a tiny effort.  Comparatively that is. 

And that is my epiphany…

And with that, let’s get moving on the other stuff…

Baby Changing Stations are the biggest hoax.

The parents always come out with the same kid.

I just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…

I was shocked.

This one cracked me up.

An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.

“Let’s have a party, Homer,” she suggested. “Let’s kill a pig.”

The farmer scratched his grizzled head. “Gee, Ethel,” he finally answered, “I don’t see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago.”

Okay, I THINK that’s a big ole spider…but I’m not really sure.  But it’s definitely SOMETHING!!!  And I ain’t reaching my hand in there to open that door, that’s for SURE!!

WE     ARE     EVERYWHERE!!!!!

Stephanie writes the following:  It humbles me when I realize that God oversees this yet still looks at me, and cares for me.  At the same time. He is massive and I am but a speck of dust, not worth His consideration. Yet, He died for me. What an awesome God.

Arp 87: Merging Galaxies from Hubble
Image Credit: NASA, ESA, Hubble; Processing: Harshwardhan Pathak

Explanation: This dance is to the death. As these two large galaxies duel, a cosmic bridge of stars, gas, and dust currently stretches over 75,000 light-years and joins them. The bridge itself is strong evidence that these two immense star systems have passed close to each other and experienced violent tides induced by mutual gravity. As further evidence, the face-on spiral galaxy on the right, also known as NGC 3808A, exhibits many young blue star clusters produced in a burst of star formation. The twisted edge-on spiral on the left (NGC 3808B) seems to be wrapped in the material bridging the galaxies and surrounded by a curious polar ring. Together, the system is known as Arp 87. While such interactions are drawn out over billions of years, repeated close passages will ultimately create one merged galaxy. Although this scenario does look unusual, galactic mergers are thought to be common, with Arp 87 representing a stage in this inevitable process. The Arp 87 dancing pair are about 300 million light-years distant toward the constellation of the Lion (Leo). The prominent edge-on spiral galaxy at the far left appears to be a more distant background galaxy and not involved in the on-going merger.

Have to write a letter of recommendation for that fired employee? – Here are a few suggested phrases:

For the chronically absent: “A man like him is hard to find.” “It seemed his career was just taking off.”

For the office drunk: “I feel his real talent is wasted here.” “We generally found him loaded with work to do.” “Every hour with him was a happy hour.”

For an employee with no ambition: “He could not care less about the number of hours he had to put in.” “You would indeed be fortunate to get this person to work for you.”

For an employee who is so unproductive that the job is better left unfilled: “I can assure you that no person would be better for the job.”

For an employee who is not worth further consideration as a job candidate: “I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment.” “All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly.”

For a stupid employee: “There is nothing you can teach a man like him.” “I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever.”

For a dishonest employee: “Her true ability was deceiving.” “He’s an unbelievable worker.”

The Geography of Men and Women 

They say about women that… Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half wild, fertile, and naturally Beautiful! Between 23 and 30, a woman is like the USA. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value. Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain. Very hot, relaxed, and convinced of her own beauty. Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece. Gently aging but still, a warm and desirable place to visit. Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain. With a glorious and all-conquering past. Between 51 and 60, a woman is like France. She has been through war, and vowed never again. Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada. Self-preserving, but open to meeting new people. After 70, she becomes Tibet. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages. An adventurous spirit and a thirst for knowledge. 

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN: 

Between 1 and 100, a man is like Iran and Russia: Ruled by a pair of nuts.

Okay, so it’s an old joke, but it’s still good.

Sometimes, sitting by yourself is a way to unwind.

The Importance of Walking and Other Forms of Exercise

• Walking can add minutes to your life. 
  • This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.
• My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. 
  • Now he’s 97 years old and we don’t know where he is
• I like long walks … 
  • Especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
• The only reason I would take up walking …
  • Is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
• I have to walk early in the morning …
  • Before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
• I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. 
  • I haven’t lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.
• Every time I hear the dirty word ‘exercise’ …
  • I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
• If you are going to try cross-country skiing …
  • Start with a small country.
• We all get heavier as we get older …
  • Because there’s a lot more information in our heads. 

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it

Buying a Mule

Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Herald-Citizen in Cookeville, TN. and bought a mule for $100.  The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.

The next morning the farmer drove up and said, “Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night.“

Curtis & Leroy replied, “Well, then just give us our money back.”

The farmer said, “Can’t do that.  I went and spent it already.”

They said, “OK then, just bring us the dead mule.”

The farmer asked, “What in the world ya’ll gonna do with a dead mule?”

Curtis said, “We gonna raffle him off.”

The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead mule!”

Leroy said, “We shore can! Heck, we don’t hafta tell nobody he’s dead!”

A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy at the IGA grocery store and asked, “What’d you fellers ever do with that dead mule?”

They said, “We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do.”

Leroy said, “Shucks, we sold 1000 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $1,998.00.”

The farmer said, “My Lord, didn’t anyone complain?”

Curtis said, “Well, the feller who won got upset.  So, we gave him his two dollars back.”

Curtis and Leroy now work for the government.

This farmer was out in the yard eating a sandwich when a hen came squawking out into the barnyard with a huge rooster in hot pursuit, a few crumbs fell to the ground from the farmers sandwich and the rooster screeched to a halt and gobbled them up while the hen got away. 

Damn, thought the farmer, I hope to hell I never get that hungry. 

Transcript of a video sent in by our good buddy Sasquatch.

Well, that was the weirdest trip to the nail saloon I’ve had in a long time.  There were these girls beside me just talking really loud.  I try not to listen to other people’s conversation, but they were talking really loud almost like they wanted other people to hear what they were talking about.

So, they live in a mobile home park and they were talking about this family where they have this husband and a wife and the wife passes away from like cancer and the husband then marries the babysitter.  It’s later found that he’s taking showers with his daughter when she’s much too old.

There’s an uncle who’s sleeping with his niece.

A brother who’s banging his dead brother’s widow, while having an affair with her sister and simultaneously knocking up a stripper.

Except here’s the kicker.  This family didn’t live in the Mobile Home park…they live at the White House…this is the first family they are talking about.  The Bidens.  

And that’s who’s running our country.

Yeah…and some of y’all out there elected him.  

Medical Terminology for Laymen

ANTIBODY:  Against everyone

ARTERY:  The study of painting

BACTERIA:  Back door to a cafeteria

BANDAGES:  The Rolling Stones

BARIUM:  What you do when CPR fails

BENIGN:  What you be after you be eight

BOTULISM:  Tendency to make mistakes

BOWEL:  A letter like A, E, I, O, or U

CESAREAN SECTION:  A district in Rome

CARDIOLOGY:  Advanced study of poker playing

CATSCAN:  Searching for ones lost kitty

CAUTERIZE:  Made eye contact with her

COLIC:  A sheep dog

COMA:  A punctuation mark

CONGENITAL:  Friendly

CORTIZONE:  The local courthouse

D & C:  Where Washington is

DILATE:  To live longer

ENEMA:  Not a friend

ENTERITIS:  A penchant for burglary

ER:  The things on your head that you hear with

FESTER:  Quicker

FIBRILLATE:  To tell lies

FIBULA:  A small lie

G.I. SERIES:  Baseball game between teams of soldiers

GENES:  Blue denim slacks

GENITAL:  Non-Jewish

GRIPPE:  What you do to a suitcase

HANGNAIL:  A coat hook

HEMORRHOID:  A male from outer space

HERPES:  What women do in the Ladies Room

HORMONES:  What a prostitute does when she doesn’t get paid

ICU:  Peek-A-Boo

IMPOTENT:  Distinguished, well known

INPATIENT:  Tired of waiting

LABOR PAIN:  Hurt at work

MEDICAL STAFF:  A doctor’s cane

MINOR OPERATION:  Somebody else’s

MORBID:  A higher offer

NITRATES:  Lower than day rates

NODE:  Was aware of

ORGAN TRANSPLANT:  What you do to your piano when you move

ORGANIC:  Church music

OUTPATIENT:  A patient who has fainted

PAP SMEAR:  A fatherhood test

PARALIZE:  Two far-fetched stories

PATHOLOGICAL:  A reasonable way to go

PELVIS:  A cousin of Elvis

PHARMACIST:  A person who makes a living dealing in agriculture

PLASTER CAST:  The drunk roadies backstage at a rock concert

POST-OPERATIVE:  A letter carrier

PROTEIN:  In favor of young people

RECOVERY ROOM:  Place to upholster furniture

RECTUM:  What happened to the Corvette

RED BLOOD COUNT:  Dracula

RHEUMATIC:  Amorous

SALINE:  Where to go on your boyfriend’s boat

SECRETION:  Hiding anything

SEIZURE:  A Roman emperor

SEROLOGY:  Study of English knighthood

SURGERY:  A reason to get uninterruptible power study

STERILE SOLUTION:  Not using the elevator during a fire

TABLET:  A small table

TERMINAL ILLNESS:  Getting sick at the airport

TIBIA:  Country in North Africa

TRIPLE BYPASS:  Better than a quarterback sneak

TUMOR:  An extra pair

URINE:  Opposite of “you’re out”

VARICOSE:  Very close

Remember Einstein’s comment:  “There is a major difference between intelligence and stupidity; intelligence has its limits.”

The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, then asked the navigator, “Do you know what I use this for?”

The navigator replied timidly, “No, what’s it for?”

The pilot responded, “I use this on navigators who get me lost!”

The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table.

The pilot asked, “What’s that for?”

“To be honest sir,” the nav replied, “I’ll know we’re lost before you will.”

A manager is told by his doctor that he has to take on some sport so he decides to play tennis. After a couple of weeks his secretary asks him how he’s doing. 

“It’s going fine”, the manager says, “When I’m on the court and I see the ball speeding towards me my brain immediately says: “To the corner! Back hand! To the net! Smash! Go back!” 

“Really? What happens then?” the girl asks all enthusiastic. 

“Then my body says: Who? Me? Don’t talk nonsense!” 

When I was at Fort Dix, N.J., for Army basic training, my father, an Air Force master sergeant, was stationed at Dover Air Force Base in Delaware. I got a weekend pass, and Dad picked me up Friday evening so we could drive home to Massachusetts.

On the way, we stopped at a diner. I was wearing my dress greens, and Dad was in dress blues. The waitress looked puzzled as she took our order. “Is something wrong, ma’am?” I asked.

“It’s unusual to see men in different services traveling together,” she explained.

“That’s nothing,” Dad replied. “He’s taking me home to sleep with his mother!”

“Oh Sarah, I just heard the news” said Esther to her blonde friend.

“You poor dear. Your husband Morris drowned. At least he left you ten million dollars. It’s amazing that he made so much money, yet he couldn’t even read or write.”

Sarah smiled, “Yeah, thank God he couldn’t swim either.”

Bubba was stumped. He had no idea what to answer. But he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed. 

Making sure the professor wasn’t watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder. “Pssst. Tiny. What’s the answer to the last question?” 

Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn’t noticed then he turned to Bubba. “Bubba, you’re so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a FARM.” 

“Oh yeah, ” said Bubba. “I remember now.” 

He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Tapping Tiny’s shoulder again, he whispered, “Tiny, how do you spell farm?” 

“You are really dumb, Bubba. That’s so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O.” 

Two guys are playing golf. The women in front of them are really taking their time and are slowing the men down.

So one man says to his friend, “I’m gonna go ask those ladies if we can play through.”

He starts walking toward them, but about halfway there, he turns around. When he gets back, his friend asks what happened.

He replies, “One of those women is my wife, and the other is my mistress. Why don’t you go talk to them?”

So the second man starts to walk over. He gets halfway there and turns around.

When he gets back, his friend asks, “Now what happened?”

To this he replies, “It’s a small world.”

Don’t blame a clown for acting like a clown.  Blame yourself for going to the circus.

Me:  You should be a cop. 

Her:  I don’t wanna. 

Me:  You chase the same men they do, might as well get paid for it.

I found a recipe from Morocco for homemade dinner rolls.  It called for fresh thyme but mine was outdated.  I used it anyway. 

You know, as I reminisce, I really like that old thyme Moroccan roll.

That was that.  I hope you enjoyed what you just read.  I sure enjoyed putting it out there.  Until we meet again, may God Bless you with Love and Happiness.

Okay, so the above header is not my best work. 

And it’s not fair to pick on my beloved Air Force.

But, I couldn’t help myself. 

It is still Saturday and now our time dilation is even more apparent, so we’ll not dwell on it. We’ll just slowly slide to the right and move along with our laughter.  Since I just finished the last episode a few hours ago, I have nothing new to say…

That is definitely my plan.

And yet, another of my plans.

And that pun deserves this:

This is a horrible line!!!!

I’ll be Burger King and you be McDonald’s. 
I’ll be doing it my way and you’ll be loving it.

I’ve opened six birthday cards so far and already up $165.  I love working for USPS.

The mother had washed her hair and just put rollers in –  but she didn’t have a hair net for them, so instead she used a pair of panties to keep them in place.

Her 4 year old son had watched the process and was fascinated.  His mother told him, “Good thing there’s only us here, so that nobody sees me like this…”

Suddenly, the doorbell rang.  The little boy ran to open it, and outside stood a salesman who wanted to speak with the woman of the house.  The son yelled, “Mom, mom! Take off your panties!  There’s a man here who wants to talk to you!”

This is how I spend most of my days at work.  I had no idea someone had snapped this picture of me.

That is actually a GREAT idea…

A girl agreed to go out with me after I gave her a bottle of tonic water…
Schwepped her off her feet!

Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing.  He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours.  The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.

So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen.  On the way he met a farmer on his donkey.  Upon seeing the king the farmer said, “Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area.”

The king was polite and considerate, he replied, “I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard.  He is an extensively educated and experienced professional.  And besides, I pay him very high wages.  He gave me a very different forecast.  I trust him and I will continue on my way.”  So, he continued on his way.

However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky.  The king and queen were totally soaked, and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.

Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the professional.  The he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.

The farmer said, “Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting.  I obtain my information from my donkey.  If I see my donkey’s ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain.”

So the king hired the donkey.

And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.

And the practice is unbroken to this date.

A lady named Ann Tenna got married.
The reception was spectacular.

“We really need to do more than just hang out on the corner…”

Ghost Aurora over Canada
Image Credit & Copyright: Yuichi Takasaka, TWAN

Explanation: What does this aurora look like to you? While braving the cold to watch the skies above northern Canada early one morning in 2013, a most unusual aurora appeared. The aurora definitely appeared to be shaped like something, but what? Two ghostly possibilities recorded by the astrophotographer were “witch” and “goddess of dawn”, but please feel free to suggest your own Halloween-enhanced impressions. Regardless of fantastical pareidolic interpretations, the pictured aurora had a typical green color and was surely caused by the scientifically commonplace action of high-energy particles from space interacting with oxygen in Earth’s upper atmosphere. In the image foreground, at the bottom, is a frozen Alexandra Falls, while evergreen trees cross the middle.

The only reason why most wives don’t murder their husbands is because they don’t have any shoes that match the prison orange jumpsuits they make you wear.

Sorry I sprayed that WD-40 in your mouth…

But it DID stop that noise you were making.

In her single days Mrs. Potatohead actually refused to date Walter Cronkite and Vin Scully, because they were just commentators.

I accidentally used the dogs shampoo today and I’m feeling like such a good boy.

It’s been brought to my attention that I have offended some of you.
I must apologize…
I meant to offend all of you.

Joe, let’s just forget the whole “Build Back Better” thing and I’ll settle for, put it back the way you found it!

I don’t want to party like it’s 1999.
I want to go grocery shopping like it’s 1999.

I can’t imagine doing that for the first time.

Imagine your card declines at the tattoo shop and they bring out the sandpaper.  

Just overheard a guy call his wife at Starbucks and ask, “Do you want your ice coffee or are you still being a bitch?”

And who says romance is dead?

We were having a debate about something during history class in high school.  The two arguing the hardest both had interesting reputations.  The kid who had a reputation for being a jerk told the girl that had a reputation for sleeping around to shut her mouth.  She retorted, “At least people like it when I open my mouth!”  The entire class lost it, including the teacher.

I was walking through a cow pasture. 
I was tired. 
I sat on a stool. 
I’ll never do that again!

Fact Of The Day:

World’s First Speed Limit

The world’s first speed limit was established in the United Kingdom in 1861.  The Locomotive Act of 1861 set the speed limit on open roads at 10 mph (miles per hour).  By 1903 the legal speed limit had gone up to 20 mph.

Somehow I’ve lucked out and have an 8 year old who thinks secretly reading under the covers past her bedtime is an act of rebellion, and it hasn’t yet occurred to her that her flashlights never seem to run out of batteries.

We live in a time where intelligent people are being silenced so that stupid people won’t be offended.

Fact Of The Day

The Great T-Shirt

Created in 1904, the t-shirt was targeted to single men who couldn’t sew or replace buttons.

(Another) Fact Of The Day

Horses Can’t Vomit

Horses cannot vomit.  They are physically unable to do so, partly due to the fact that they have weak vomiting reflexes.  While all humans and many animals use vomit to rid their body of something toxic, horses (and rats and rabbits) do not.

I did not know that!

I wanted to throw this in before I close this out.  It was a cute little comment that I thought you guys would enjoy.

It’s Monday…but, it’s Saturday right now for me.  And no, we’re not going to have the whole time traveler conversation again. 

Although it really is a cool concept. 

Thinking about it, from your perspective, you know everything that happened on Sunday and I don’t.  Well really, everything that happened from this moment in time that  the words left my fingertips to the time you are sitting with your coffee cup reading them on your computer or your phone or whatever.  But from the singular point of view of both of us being in this sentence at the same time, we are supposed to be equals.  Existing at the exact same moment as one as you read the words that I am writing.  And yet — you have about 48 hours of knowledge more than I do, that I am not privy to. 

If something ridiculously important happens during that 48 hours, it could change the entire outlook on this conversation we’re having right now. 

You would know it and I would be completely clueless — in this conversation.  I would know it at the same time you would know it, but could do nothing to change the conversation we are having now…one-sided though it is. 

It is an unusual way to look at things.  In a way, when I write things to you, trying to be topical and timely, I’m always going to be behind and in the past to some degree, unless I was to do this live.  And I don’t think any of you would wait around while I work my thoughts out and put them down into words. 

And I suppose in some ways, we talked about the whole time traveler thing anyway, didn’t we?

I just realized how old these header titles are that I’m using today.  How can I tell?  Well, there are several of them in the folder that I haven’t used for many years.  Like…

And why haven’t I used them for many years?  Because they’re all very dear and close friends who’ve passed away and whom WE miss a lot, but I’m sure are spending eternity in Heaven in a MUCH more joyful place.  So we should be happy for them.  Death is hard on those who are left behind.  If you’ve lived your life the way you should, given your life to Christ as your Lord and Savior, death is a joyful thing when it comes naturally.  It hurts those who are left behind.  So, really on a weird path this morning…let’s try again.

Okay, now my head hurts.

This next one is from our own Pete.  It’s his essay and well worth the read.

Thank you brother Pete.  You are so right and very well said.  Quite eloquent, in fact.  Words are important.  They matter.  Be careful how you use them, but don’t hide them in a closet, as Pete said so well.  And for crying-out-loud…if we can’t laugh at ourselves, what can we laugh at?

I LOVE Cheesecake.  I prefer it with cherries, but strawberries are okay, too.

“When those around you are losing their heads…”

Another great video from our good friend Joe from NJ

Never trust left-handed people.
They’re not right.

Okay, knock it off!  Don’t some of you have pictures that your parents took of you in the bathtub when you were a baby?

Filling out a job application.  
Under “Military Experience” I put down that I once went commando for 4 days in a row.

Looking back at all the successes and failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.

Always good for something I guess

Did anyone really expect anything less?

So a burglar broke into the house…
I put the red dot on his chest…
And the cat did the rest!

One of our inner-office pages delivering an executive memo to the department heads.

I’d rather cut the wires

“Etc”

A word used to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

My Bed Is A Magical Place Where I Suddenly Remember Everything I Forgot To Do.

    I’m at an age where if you text me at 10:17 pm…I’m texting you back at 5:12 am.

????????

I can’t remember what movie that is from…but it’s a bunch of oil!

Yeah…me, too.

Once I see you can’t spell, I lose entrance.

I’ve been prescribed anti-gloating cream.

I can’t wait to rub it in.

Aussie Pete, I gotta ask…how long is it gonna take this little guy to get to the point where he can kill us?  Well, maybe not me, you know…dragon.  But the rest of y’all?

Shop Assistant fought off armed robber with his labeling gun…

Police are now looking for a man with a price on his head.

This is so very true…and one of the easy fixes.

The Effects of Bidenomics on Mortgage Financing

Before Bidenomics
Loan Amount: $300,000          Term Length:  30 years   
Interest Rate:  2.35%
Total Payments:  $418,355        Total Interest:  $118,355

With Bidenomics
Loan Amount: $300,000          Term Length:  30 years   
Interest Rate:  7.25%
Total Payments:  $736,749       Total Interest:  $436,749

Bidenomics is a complete and total failure!

Fact Of The Day:

A Greek Wedding Tradition

There are plenty of wedding traditions that span the globe.  Some are done for luck, some to ward off evil spirits, some to bless a new home.  The Greeks have a tradition in which the bride will carry a sugar cube in one of her gloves.  This is done to “sweeten the marriage”.

Morning Checklist:

Clothed?  Ah, sufficiently.
Keys?  Yep, just found ’em.
Coffee cup?  Full, of course.
Sanity?  …  Sanity?

And we have a runner.

One of my favorites

Kinda sexy how you put those cuffs on me.  Will I need a safe word?

Cop:  What the heck is wrong with you?

Um…I have no words.  There is so much wrong here.

So, what’s next?  Signs along the side of the road, “Caution Keep vehicle on roadway”?  “Do Not Strike Vehicle in Front, Behind, or Beside Yours”?

I gotta teach my facial expressions how to use their inside voice.

From the textbook: 

1 PHYSICS

1.1 History

Aristotle said a bunch of stuff that was wrong.  Galileo and Newton fixed things up.  Then Einstein broke everything again.  Now, we’ve basically got it all worked out, except for small stuff, big stuff, hot stuff, cold stuff, fast stuff, heavy stuff, dark stuff, turbulence, and the concept of time.

Yeah…that sounds about right.

I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg…
I thought, “This could get interesting.”

Of COURSE it is!

Me:  [pointing to the sky] Hey look, birds! 

Daughter:  I don’t see any birds. 

Me:  Yeah, that’s because they’re all in da-skies.

That’s gotta be from a Dad.

A 60 year old millionaire is getting married.  His friends are jealous and one of them ask how he landed such a hot 23 year old blonde beauty…

“Simple,” grins the millionaire.  “I faked my age.” 

His friends are really amazed and ask him what age he told her he was?

“I said I was 87…”

Here’s a great old joke that’s been told many times and in many ways…

Weight Loss Program

     A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5 lbs. weight loss program.
     The next day, there’s a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck…  She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.  The sign reads, “If you can catch me, you can have me.”
     Without a second thought, he takes off after her.  A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up.  The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.  On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5 lbs. as promised.
     He calls the company and orders their 5-day, 10 lbs. program.  The next day there’s a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.  She is wearing noting but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, “If you catch me, you can have me.”
     Well, he’s out the door after her like a shot.  This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.  So, for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
     Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10 lbs. as promised.  He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-days, 25 lbs. program.  
     “Are you sure?” asks the representative on the phone.  “This is our most rigorous program.”
     “Absolutely,” he replies.  “I haven’t felt this good in years.”
     The next day there’s a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, “If I catch you, you are mine.”
     He lost 33 lbs. that week.

And that’s it for now my friends.  I have to dash.  We will talk more on Thursday.  May God Bless you all with Love and Happiness, but mostly with understanding and clarity of the truth of His Word.