Another week under the belt, even though I am starting this one on Tuesday. Thursday’s issue is already in the bank and I’m starting on Saturday’s issue because I have a very full week ahead of me. Wednesday is my jail ministry and it’s going to be an important night, Thursday is a brand new ministry that I am (we are) starting at my church called “Completely Free” and it’s put on by my belonging to Miami County Living Free and it will be a 13 week study of The Book of Romans …
out of the Bible …
you know …
Paul …
his letter to the church in Rome …
sigh.
YOU HEATHENS!!!!
You’re pulling my leg, I know you are.
You aren’t heathens.
You are well educated, and well-esteemed men and women.
Well, except you, over there. In the corner. You need to go.
Sargent-at-Arms, remove that Orc!
And while that scuffle takes place in the back of the room, in the front of the room, let’s begin our guffaws, shall we?
This guy is definitely committed!
Today I had to go to Wright-Patterson AFB in Ohio. It’s an annual trip that my office has to make. Some of you will understand when I tell you that it was a PMEL run. Those of you who don’t understand, don’t worry about it because it has nothing to do with the story. Because the story has to do with this great picture of a C-130 that flew right over us as we were leaving the base because the road went right around the end of the runway.
One day in the forest, three animals were discussing who among them was the most powerful.
“I am,” said the hawk, “because I can fly and swoop down swiftly at my prey.”
“That’s nothing,” said the mountain lion, “I am not only fleet, but I have powerful teeth and claws.”
“I am the most powerful,” said the skunk, “because with a flick of my tail, I can drive off the two of you.”
Just then a huge grizzly bear lumbered out of the forest and settled the debate by eating them all… Hawk, lion, and stinker.
Osama Bin Laden was shot and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
“I don’t know what to do here,” says the devil. “You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I’ll tell you what I’m going to do: I’ve got a couple of folks here who weren’t quite as bad as you. I’ll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I’ll even let YOU decide who leaves.”
Osama Bin Laden thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room. In it was Manuel Noriega and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.
“No,” said Osama bin Laden, “I don’t think so. I’m not a good swimmer and don’t think I could do that all day long.”
The devil led him to the next room. In it was the Ayatollah Khomeini with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
“No, I’ve got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day,” commented Osama Bin Laden.
The devil opened a third door. In it, Osama Bin Laden saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Osama bin Laden took this in disbelief and finally said, “Yeah, I can handle this.”
The devil smiled and said, “OK Monica, you’re free to go.”
“And the sneaky Ninja-Dragon leaps into the fray and defeats all his foes!” Impish! Stop playing around and get in here and finish your lunch! Yes, Mom!
“Socialism only works
in two places:
Heaven where they don’t need it and hell where they already have it.”
–Ronald Reagan
‘Here’s my strategy on
the Cold War:
We win, they lose.’– Ronald Reagan
‘The most terrifying words
In the English language are:
I’m from the government
and I’m here to help.’
–Ronald Reagan
‘The trouble with our liberal friends is not that they’re ignorant; it’s just that they know so much that isn’t so.’
-Ronald Reagan
‘Of the four wars in my lifetime, none came about because the US. was too strong.
– Ronald Reagan ‘I have wondered at times about what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress..
–Ronald Reagan
One of my favorite characters of all time!
‘The taxpayer:
That’s someone who works for the federal government but doesn’t have to take the civil service examination’
– Ronald Reagan ‘Government is like a baby: An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other’
– Ronald Reagan
‘The nearest thing to eternal life we will ever see on this earth is a government program.’
– Ronald Reagan ‘It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first’
– Ronald Reagan
I have significant questions…
‘Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases:
If it moves, tax it.
If it keeps moving, regulate it.
And if it stops moving, subsidize it’
– Ronald Reagan ‘Politics is not a bad profession.
If you succeed, there are many rewards; if you disgrace yourself, you can always write a book.’
– Ronald Reagan
Why?
‘No arsenal, or no weapon in the arsenals of the world, is as formidable as the will and moral courage of free men and women.’
– Ronald Reagan ‘If we ever forget that we’re one nation under GOD, then we will be a nation gone under.’
–Ronald Reagan
“Have you ever seen a man-eating tiger?”
“No, but in the cafe next door I saw a man eating chicken!”
A fisherman from the city was out fishing on a lake in a small boat. He noticed another man in a small boat open his tackle box and take out a mirror.
Being curious the man rowed over and asked, “What is the mirror for?”
“That’s my secret way to catch fish,” said the other man. “Shine the mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice the spot of sun on the water above and they swim to the surface. Then I just reach down and net them and pull them into the boat.”
“Wow! Does that really work?”
“You bet it does.”
“Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I’ll give you $30 for it.”
“Well, okay.”
After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked, “By the way, how many fish have you caught this week?”
“You’re the sixth,” he said.
Still annoys the crap out of me… Service men and women who gave their lives for this country get one day – Memorial Day Military men and women who offer to give their lives for this country get one day – Veteran’s Day Sinners who go against the Plan of God get a whole month! And yes, I know that’s going to tick some people off, and I don’t care!
AAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!
Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karey, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night.
The next day, I talked to the children and explained that it was O.K. to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don’t sleep with Mom that night. They said OK.
After my next trip several weeks later, Karey and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time.
Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane’s arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers.
As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting, “Hi, Dad! I’ve got some good news!”
As I waved back, I said loudly, “What’s the good news?” Alex shouted, “Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!”
The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mommy was.
There was a couple who were big over-spenders. They always dreamed to spend holidays in Hawaii, but were never able to save any money to do so.
One day they came up with an idea–each time they had sex, they would put $20.00 bill into a piggy bank.
They bought the piggy, and followed that procedure for about a year. After that time, they decided that there was enough money for their dream vacation and broke the piggy bank.
The husband looked at their savings and said: “Isn’t it strange. Each time we had sex, I put $20.00 into the piggy. But I see tons of $50.00 bills and a few $100.00 bills.”
The wife replied, “Do you think that everybody is as stingy as you are?”
Come on, do you get it? Do you get it? Alright, I’ll let you know in a second…
…too much time (thyme) on my hands?
The young mother wanted so much to be a part of her teenage children’s group. She worked hard at learning all the styles the young mothers wore and all foods the children like to eat.
She always tried to look young and spiffy and to have an abundant supply of snacks when the gang dropped by. She even learned how to talk “young” learning all the buzz words and hip sayings.
One day all this came to a screeching halt when, after serving the right snacks, she heard herself say to a room full of hormone dripping teenagers, “If anyone want secs, just let me know. I’ll be in the kitchen getting it ready.”
Two doctors were jogging down a wood path, each arguing as to who was the better doctor. The 1st claimed he was better, then the 2nd. This went on for 30 minutes or so!
Finally the 1st doctor said to the 2nd, “If your so good – then prove it”. The 2nd doctor said “ok I will”. The 2nd doctor looked around, up and down and saw an owl sitting up in an old oak tree. He said “see that owl”, the 1st replied “yes”, “I’ll give that owl a tonsillectomy in 10 minutes” said the 2nd doctor. The 1st doctor encouraged him to try.
The clock started ticking, he reached up in the oak tree and grabbed the owl. With a “clip”, “snip”, and “clip” – the 2nd doctor was done. He proceeded to say, “9 minutes and 15 seconds later, I’m through – beat that!”.
The 1st doctor then stated that he could beat the 2nd doctor by performing a vasectomy in 5 minutes. He asked the 2nd if he successfully completed the vasectomy in 5 minutes would he be the better of the two doctors. To that the doctored replied “yes”.
The clock started ticking, he reached up in the oak tree and grabbed the same owl. With a “clip”, “snip”, “cut”, “bang”, “stitch”, and “clip” – the 1st doctor was done. He completed his operation in a record 3 minutes and 35 seconds. Both doctors went on jogging down the path happy and content as to whom was the better of the two doctors.
The next day the Mr. Owl and Mrs. Owl were flying along when Mrs. Owl stated “I’m tired, lets land and rest a while!”. Mr. Owl said “ok!”
Mrs. Owl looked around and saw (with here keen vision) a wonderful old oak tree to perch on, see stated, “lets land over there on the old oak tree”.
Mr. Owl looked around and saw the oak tree, only to proclaim, “I’M NOT LANDING THERE”. Mrs. owl said “why not”, Mr. Owl again proclaimed “I’M NOT LANDING THERE”. This went on for some time!
Mrs. Owl said, “tell me why you don’t want to land there or we’re going to!”.
Mr. Owl said; “Well, ever since I landed in that old oak tree yesterday, I can’t hoot worth a fuck or fuck worth a hoot.
Paddy was looking for work, and his mate told him that they needed someone up at the Blacksmiths. Paddy went to see the bloke, and said, “My mate tells me your looking for someone to work here.”
“Yes, that’s right.” said the Blacksmith, “Can you shoe Horses?”
“I’m not sure,” said Paddy, “but I once told a Donkey to fuck off.”
Paddy decides to go rabbit hunting , but when he gets to his favorite field he sees the village priest is already there. Paddy watches with fascination as the priest holds his finger over a rabbit hole and immediately a rabbit pops out. The priest grabs it and puts it into a sack. He repeats this unusual but very successful technique until his sack is full of rabbits.
Paddy stops the priest and asks him how he does it.
“Easy,”says the priest.”Put your finger on your wife’s pussy and then hold it over a rabbit hole.They can’t resist the smell, so when they come out,grab them.”
Paddy rushes home to find Maureen bent over scrubbing the floor.He lifts up her skirt and applies his finger as directed.
Did you hear about the cannibal policeman who was arrested?
He was caught grilling his suspects.
After living in the swamps all his life, Boudreaux decided it was time to visit the big city of Breaux Bridge.
In one of the stores, Boudreaux picks up a mirror and looks in it.
Not knowing what it was, he said “Mais, how bout dat! Dat’s a picture of my daddy!”
He bought the mirror, but on the way home he remembered his wife, Marie, didn’t like his dad. So he hung the mirror in the shack behind the camp, and every morning before leaving for the woods, he would go and look at it.
Marie began to get suspicious of this many trips to the shack. So, one day, after Boudreaux left, she searched the shack and found the mirror.
As she looked into the glass, she fumed, “So dat’s da ugly witch he’s been runnin’ ’round wit!!!”
A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass.
He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.
The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, “Uh, excuse me, mister, but what are you doing?”
The farmer replies, “I’m trying to win a Nobel Prize.”
“How?” asks the man, puzzled.
“Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field.”
Over dinner, my wife said to me, “I met this horrible and rude man downtown this morning, and right away I knew he was a troublemaker. He started to insult me; he used really bad language; he even threatened me!”
“How did you meet this fellow?” I asked, very concerned.
She said, “Well, we met by accident, I hit him with the car.”
Following a really good party one night, the hosts decided to leave the assorted bottles and dregs until the next morning.
As they staggered downstairs next day, they found their young children finishing off all that they could find, and looking the worse for wear.
Not knowing what to do, the father suggested taking them out in the car for some fresh air.
A traffic policeman, seeing the car going round and round the block for no reason, pulled him over and breathalyzed him … and the meter showed positive.
While matters were being sorted out, one of the children asked the policeman if he could try the breathalyzer … and the meter again showed positive!
“Damn,” said the policeman, “another faulty meter!”
He then apologized to the driver for stopping him, and drove off without another word…
If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you’ll begin to think you’re a genius…
“Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.”
“Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you.. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.”
–Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
“If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there’ll be a record.”
— Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
And that, my dear friends, is that. By the way, just so you know, yesterday, Friday, was the 17th anniversary of Dragon Laffs! I know, I know, I should’ve made a bigger deal out of it, and I was going to, but there was a bunch of other stuff that was going on and it kind of slipped my mind. So, we’ll celebrate twice next year. So, may God Bless you with Love and Happiness until we meet again.
Well, this week has gone by fast, hasn’t it? It’s Thursday already! I’ve gotten some really nice comments lately about people being happy to receive their copies of DL. I just want to say thank you for showing such love! I deeply appreciate that kind of feedback. Thank you very much.
I don’t really have much to add right now, although I have forgotten in the last couple of issues to put the nose art pictures back in, so I have to remember to put them back in. So, remind me before I finish this issue out.
I am annoyed as crap that we have PROOF of Biden taking bribes and no one is doing a damn thing about it. And yet they are fabricating crap to try and frame Trump. Tell me again how we are all fair and equal under the law.
Anyway, I’ve shouted about this until I’m blue in the face…and I’m a blue dragon, so you know how hard that is to do??? So, let’s get started on the laughter and we’ll get to the ranting stuff later … maybe.
Well, I’m so very, very glad that I am WAY ahead of schedule with this one, since I just came back to finish it up and found out that it is completely disappeared. From almost done to completely gone overnight. So, what’s a dragon to do other than pull up his pants and start over again! Luckily the system saves the pictures, so I’ll still have those, but none of the jokes in-between.
But, we’re going to start with a couple of runs of Calvin and Hobbs, so let’s get to it!
Joe from NJ and I have had a few conversations about things and one of the things we agree on is how we both feel about nurses. Here’s a letter I got from him just today:
Impish,
I only recently learned that Marsha is a Nurse. A profession that deserves the highest possible respect. Over the past approx. 13 years I have had close dealings with more Nurses than I can recall. A lot of people go through life thinking a Nurse is just the person taking your vitals in the exam room before your doctor comes in. That image drastically changes when you’re recovering from any type of operation and you need a med or some kind of help in the middle of the night. One push of the button and one of those nerves of steel angels is asking what they can do for you. If the problem is bad enough you’ll have two of them in your room STAT. While you’re upset and telling them you’re sorry, they’re dealing with the immediate problem and calming you down, assuring you everything is ok and you’ll be fine. I can honestly say I’ve never had a less than outstanding nurse taking care of me during my ordeals. As a Navy and Air Force Veteran, I’ve had a lot of emergency first aid training. It’s easy to tell when I have a Pro working on me. If every nurse found out when they woke up tomorrow that their pay had been doubled, they would still be terribly under paid.
Regards,
…Joe in NJ
Joe, I couldn’t agree with you more. I won’t go into the details of dealing with all the nurses in my life, but suffice it to say that it has been numerous and often. They are definitely the underdogs of the medical community and deserve way more than they get. To all our dear, wonderful nurses out there as readers, we thank and cherish each and every one of you. I know of at least two of you, if there are any more, you should speak up and let us know.
Some of these we’ve heard before…a lot of these we’ve heard before, but they’re still funny, so let’s read them again, okay?
I once dated a lady. who broke up with me because I only have 9 toes. Yes, she was lack-toes intolerant.
I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.
I’ve started investing in stocks: beef, vegetable, and chicken. One day I hope to be a bullionaire.
If you boil a funny bone, it becomes a laughing stock. Now that’s humerus.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. Now I have Heinzsight.
Did you know muffins spelled backwards is what you do when you take them out of the oven?
Scientifically, a raven has 17 primary wing feathers, the big ones at the end of the wing are called pinion feathers. A crow has 16. So, the difference between a raven and a crow is only a matter of a pinion.
I was walking in the jungle and saw a lizard on his hind legs telling jokes. I turned to a local tribal leader and said, “That lizard is really funny!” The leader replied, “That’s not a lizard. He’s a stand-up chameleon.”
I tried to come up with a carpentry pun that woodwork. I thought I nailed it but nobody saw it.
Just spoke with Bill Withers and told him “Ain’t No Sunshine” is bad grammar. He said, “I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know.”
Singing in the shower is fine until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
The Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song but the chick peas can only hummus one.
Then there was the time Fruit of the Loom took Hanes to court… it was a brief case.
How much does a chimney cost? Nothing, it’s on the house.
My friend said she wouldn’t eat cow’s tongue because it came out of a cow’s mouth. I gave her an egg.
Once upon a time there was a King who was only 12 inches tall. He was a terrible King but he made a great ruler.
Ran out of toilet paper and now using lettuce leaves. Today was just the tip of the iceberg, and tomorrow romaines to be seen.
My friend Jack says he can communicate with vegetables. That’s right… Jack and the beans talk.
I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants. You probably have not heard of herbivore.
I was struggling to understand how lightning works and then it struck me.
Six cows were smoking joints and playing poker. That’s right. The steaks were pretty high.
I went to the paint store to get thinner. It didn’t work.
It’s not a middle finger, it’s my unicorn fist.
Your veterinarian won’t tell you this but if your dog is running a fever, go to the store and get some mustard. It’s the best thing for a hot dog.
Answer will be in a couple of panels…and I will tell you that’s it’s more than you think it is.
Are you ready for the answer?
Think you got it right?
I got it wrong?
I was short by 4.
Want to change your answer?
You sure?
Okay, here it goes.
Last chance.
No more chances after this.
I’m going to tell you right now.
This is it.
44.
I know, right!
Okay, be honest, who got it right?
“Read you a night time story? Well, okay. Once upon a time, there was a young dragon…”
Tried to throw a slightly neglected baby doll into the toy basket and my three year old shrieked, “THAT’S MY DAUGHTER!!” I had no idea.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year-old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
I guess some people start a task and then just finish it instead of trying to do 14 things at once like a squirrel on cocaine.
I honestly don’t remember what I captioned this one. I’m SURE it had something to do with her mask or her armor and nothing at all to do with her clevege.
I know that when I die, one of my Grandkids will lean over my coffin and whisper, “Can I play a game on your phone?”
It takes a special person to wake up early and still be late.
I’m lazy, chubby, and cynical. I love food, naps, and coffee. I hate Mondays, people, and exercise. I never thought I’d grow up to be Garfield.
There is not one person walking this earth that is worth you laying up at night feeling that you are not good enough.
You are so much more than good enough and it’s about time that you understand that!
I was today years old when I learned that it’s …
HARD AS HAIL,
not
HARD AS HELL…
I want to thank Aussie Pete for the great GIFs that he sends me!
True friends don’t get offended when you insult them. They laugh and insult you with something even better.
Well, that’s the way guys work, anyway.
They say it takes a village, I also believe it takes a distillery.
It’s not always the tears that measure the pain. Sometimes it’s the smile we fake.
It’s better to grow old with a sense of humor than to grow old with no sense at all.
Body: So tired.
Anxiety: We have so much to do.
Depression: Let’s just sleep forever.
Insomnia: LOL! Good luck with that!
Pain: [kicks in the door] ‘Sup guys!
He said there was no spark between us anymore.
So I tasered him!!!
(I’ll ask him again when he wakes up)
Restaurant toilets are so dangerous! So many of my dates have gone to use them and vanished!
There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
I listen to all the voices in my head… except for the one named Reason. He makes NO sense to me.
Sometimes, not saying anything is the best answer. You see, silence can never be misquoted.
I’m not normal.
I don’t want to be. I don’t pretend to be.
I am me.
Okay dude. You are smoking stuff that is WAY TOO STRONG!
Finally my winter fat is gone, now I have spring rolls.
Margie: We can’t curse around the kids anymore.
John: What should I say instead of Bull-
Margie: Shhh! Say snake instead.
John: [whispering] This is snakeshit…
And that’s it my friends. Caught up and finished up and set up and ready to go for Thursday. May God Bless you with Love and Happiness until we meet again.
So, you are reading this on Monday and even though I’m writing this on Friday, the weekend is indeed over, because I am working all weekend long anyway, so IT IS OVER!!!!
Sigh!
So, to make up for that, we gotta laugh!
We gotta laugh hard!
We gotta belly laugh!
We gotta laugh till we cry!
We gotta … oh the heck with it …
That is such an apt description I just had to laugh!
Hey! Hey! Hey! Not all of them! Some of them are almost 60% / 40%!
One morning a man came into the church on crutches. He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches.
An alter boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he’d just seen. “Son, you’ve just witnessed a miracle,” the priest said. “Tell me where is this man now?”
“Flat on his butt over by the holy water,” said the boy.
That thing is incredible!!!
A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like:
“We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.”
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, “I sure wish I’d gotten to know you sooner!”
“How long have you been driving without a tail light?” asked the policeman after pulling over a motorist.
The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car and gave a long, painful groan.
He seemed so upset that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit.
“Come on, now,” he said, “you don’t have to take it so hard. It isn’t that serious.”
“It isn’t?” cried the motorist. “Then you know what happened to my boat and trailer?”
“Where are you Wizard? I know you’re here somewhere, I can smell the Girl Scout Cookies on your breath! I know you and your friends stole them from my horde and for that YOU WILL DIE!!”
This one is from Stephanie… and I agree with her.
I thought they were funny~~~
1. Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.
2. What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.
3. Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.
4. Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.
5. If you’re bad at haggling, you’ll end up paying the price.
6. Just so everyone’s clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.
7. A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.
8. I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.
9. Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.
10. How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.
11. I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.
12. My friends and I have named our band ‘Duvet’. It’s a cover band.
13. I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it.
14. Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a k and not c? Because you can’t see in the dark.
15. Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.
16. When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.
17. Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.”
18. Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.
19. Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.
20. I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.
21. I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
22. What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re.
23. I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarznegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”
24. What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? Suture self.
25. I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.
I’ve often feared that’s the way Mary was going to fix my snoring problem.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
Dating when you’re older is like trying to find a cart with good wheels at Walmart.
“Mirror, mirror in my home, get me Impish Dragon on the phone!”
This “story” is from Leah D…
Years ago, even the news carried the warning about how germy women’s purses are. They pointed out how often women go to the restroom, with no place to sit or hang it, the purse is set on the bathroom floor.
I desperately needed to pee! I had a long way to cover from where I was in the store, to where the restroom was. But I took that extra second to set my purse in the bathroom sink, before I made it to the toilet seat just in time . . . to realize the faucets were automatic, and now my purse was filled with water!
Yes, it is my true story.
The future the grandkids may ask about the global crisis of 2020 and how the world was tragically out of toilet paper…..
I plan to tell them that we had to drag our butts across the grass, up hill both ways in the snow.
Cop: Why is there a crocodile buckled in your passenger seat!?
Me: [offended] Steve isn’t a crocodile! He’s my Navi-Gator! I’d be lost without him!
Three drunk guys entered a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine and turned it off again. Then he said, “We have reached your destination.”
The first guy gave him money and got out.
The second guy said, “Thank you.” and he got out.
The third guy slapped the driver.
The driver was shocked thinking the third drunk knew what he did. But, he asked anyway, “What was that for?”
The third guy replied, “Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!”
When I got sent to jail, I was held down over a table and taken hard right up the arse for at least an hour. And I thought to myself, Uncle Bryan takes Monopoly far too seriously…
Sometimes you just gotta steal a traffic cone at 3 am and move on…
Pay attention:
and the truth is that ALL veterans pay with their lives. Some pay all at once, while others pay over a lifetime. ~ JmStorm
“Once weapons were manufactured to fight wars. Now wars are manufactured to sell weapons.”
~ Arundhati Roy
And you have no idea how much this next one pisses me (and other veterans) off!!!
Dumb Ass!
Lying Dumb Ass!
Thieving Dumb Ass!
Yikes!
I’ve been stabbed in the back by those I needed the most. I’ve been lied to by those I love. And I have felt alone when I couldn’t afford to be. But at the end of the day I had to learn to be my own best friend because there’s going to be days where no one is going to be there for me but myself!
Or it could be a movie prop…
Paddy wanted to sell his car so his mate told him to wind the mileage back a bit and he would get a better price for it.
He saw him a few days later and asked how he’d got on. Paddy said when he finished winding it back it only had 7,000 on the clock so he decided to keep it!
Oh come on!!! It’s a cheese cake!
Doctor: Alright, I have your diagnosis…
Patient: Make it quick Doc, I don’t have all day.
Doctor: So, who told you?
What a fantastic picture!!!!
This is awesome!!!
Went swimming today and I took a pee in the deep end.
The Lifeguard noticed that and he blew his freaking whistle so loud I almost fell in.
Apparently, it’s only appropriate to say, “Look at you! You got so big!” to children. Adults tend to get offended.
A man is suing Smart Water for not making him smart, and I’d like to formally announce my lawsuit against Thin Mints.
And that’s it my friends. Have a great week. Until Thursday then. May God Bless you with Love and Happiness.
and other Mythical…what? OTHER MYTHICAL WHAT? What kind of heading is that? Who leaves out important words like that?
EDITOR!
Yes, Impish?
Who in the world created that header?
You did, Mr. Dragon.
[Sputter!] Well, of course I did, but who inked it and put in the words? And don’t call me Mr.. Dragon. Mr. Dragon is my father.
Actually, Sir, your father is Papa Dragon Most Senior, and I switched to Mr. Dragon because it seemed as though you were getting upset and when you get upset people and other creatures tend to, um, to put it delicately, disap…
I DO NOT MAKE PEOPLE DISAPPEAR!
Yes sir. In fact you eat them, sir. And I’m getting very uncomfortable having this conversation with you right now, and if you don’t mind…
[GASP!] I DO NOT EAT EMPLOYEES!!!!!
Sir, where is Kevin?
—–
And I haven’t seen Marvin for a while either…
———–
Nancy… Nancy is on vacation!!!
Will there be anything else, sir?
No, … no… that’s all for now. Thank you. Oh and Jackson…
Yes, sir?
Stop calling me sir. My parents were married when I was born.
Yes…um…Impish. Quite so.
At least I’m pretty sure they were. Anyway, where were we? Oh yeah, welcome to Saturday, While you are reading this I am either teaching class or playing a tiny round of hooky and am at Men’s Breakfast depending on whether or not I have anyone scheduled for class today or not. With having had an inspection all week this week from higher headquarters there’s no telling what kind of shape I’m truly in by the time you guys are reading this, so wish me luck. And in the mean time, let’s get this fun fest started with some laughter, shall we?
Remember I told you the other day to look up Gilda Radner if you didn’t know who she was… Here’s Stephen B.’s opinion:
Gilda Radner and Gene Wilder. Will there ever be a more perfect couple? 5 short years together.
It was a love story for the ages. Over WAY too soon.
Okay, remember the rules…give yourself one point for every item on the list that you have NOT done. So, out of the twenty items on the list, Impish Dragon gets a score of ….. zero. I’ve done every single one of those things. Come on! That stuff wasn’t THAT long ago, was it?
Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.
– H. G. Wells (1866-1946)
A minister was giving the children’s message during church. For this part of the service, he would gather all the children around him and give a brief lesson before dismissing them.
On this particular Sunday, he was using squirrels for an object lesson on industry and preparation. He started out by saying, “I’m going to describe something, and I want you to raise your hand when you know what it is.” The children nodded eagerly.
“This thing lives in trees (pause) and eats nuts (pause)…” No hands went up. “And it is gray (pause) and has a long bushy tail (pause)…” The children were looking at each other, but still no hands raised. “And it jumps from branch to branch (pause) and chatters and flips its tail when it’s excited (pause)…”
Finally one little boy tentatively raised his hand. The minister breathed a sigh of relief and called on him.
“Well,” said the boy, “I know the answer you’re looking for is supposed to be ‘Jesus’ … but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me.”
The new MREs aren’t bad, but the old C-Rations came with a lot of extras, like tooth picks, silver ware… they were pretty nice.
A little boy walked up to the librarian to check out a book entitled “COMPREHENSIVE GUIDE FOR MOTHERS.”
When the librarian asked him if it was for his mother, he answered no.
“Then why are you checking it out?”
“Because,” said the boy, beaming from ear to ear, “I just started collecting moths last month!”
Hey! Us Dragons like to open gifts, too!
Oh, I’d say about a 7 on the old rubber ducky scale.
A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight.
She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tell your fortune. So, she thought to herself “I’ll give it a try just to see what it tells me.”
She went over to the machine and put her nickel in, and out came a card that said, “You’re a nun you weigh 128 lb. and you are going to Chicago, Illinois.”
She sat back down and thought about it. She told herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, but decided to try it again.
She went back to the machine and put her nickel in. Out came a card that read, “You’re a nun, you weigh 128 lb., you’re going to Chicago, Illinois and you are going to play a fiddle.”
The nun said to herself, “I know that’s wrong, I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life,”
She sat down again. From no where, a cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down next to her. The nun picked up the fiddle and just started playing beautiful music. Startled, she looked back at the machine and said, “This is incredible. I’ve got to try it again,”
Back to the machine. She put her nickel in and another card came out. It said, “You’re a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you’re going to Chicago, Illinois and you’re going to break wind.
Now, the nun knows the machine is wrong; “I’ve never broke wind in public a day in my life! “Well, she tripped, fell off the scales and broke wind.
Stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, “This is truly unbelievable! I’ve got to try it again.”
She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and collected the card. It said, “You’re a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago.
Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess’ lap and said: “Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.”
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself:
“I don’t really think so.”
Just a cool picture.
One day in a third grade classroom a teacher asked her students what their fathers did for a living. The first boy raises his hand, and says my dad is a fireman. The teacher replies, “Hey, thats a great profession, he gets to fight fires and he has to be very brave.”
So the teacher calls on a second student. A young girl is chosen, and she tells the class that her father is a policeman. The teacher replied, “Oh thats a great job, he has to be very brave, and he gets to put all the criminals behind bars.”
So a third student raises his hand and is chosen by the teacher. She asks him what his father does for a living and he says that his father eats light bulbs. The teacher, now confused, says, “That’s crazy, what makes you think that he eats light bulbs?”
The student replies, “Well last night I got up out of bed to get a drink of water, and when I walked by my parents room I overheard my father say, ‘Hey baby, turn out the light and I’ll eat it.'”
“It is better to be slapped with the truth than kissed with a lie.” ~ Nelson Mandela
“I can’t afford to hate anyone. I don’t have that kind of time.”
~ Akira Kurosawa
It is a known fact that all daughters-in-law have problems with their mother-in-law.
Anyway… One day the daughters-in-law all got together and decided to apologise to their mothers-in-law for everything they had supposedly done wrong.
A week later the daughters-in-law decided to take their families (including their mothers-in-law) on a picnic.
The mothers-in-law were all in one bus, which was the first to leave.
On the way their bus had an accident and all the mothers-in-law died.
The daughters-in-law were devastated but one in particular was more heart broken than the rest. Everyone tried to console her by telling her that at least her mother-in-law had died without any tension between them. But still she cried.
Eventually when she was calm enough to speak the other women asked her: “Why are you crying so much? Was your mother-in-law that special?”
The woman no sobbing uncontrollably replied… “No, she missed the bus!”
An old lady, who lived on the third floor of a boardinghouse, broke her leg. As the doctor put a cast on it, he warned her not to climb any stairs.
Several months later, the doctor took off the cast.
“Can I climb stairs now?” asked the little old lady.
“Yes,” he replied.
“Thank goodness!” she said. “I’m sick and tired of shinnying up and down that drainpipe!”
The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.
– Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
A sailor, while bringing flowers to a cemetery, noticed an old Chinese man placing a bowl of rice on a nearby grave.
The sailor walked up to the man and asked, “When do you expect your friend to come up and eat the rice?”
The old Chinese man replied with a smile, “Same time your friend comes up to smell the flowers.”
Mother: “How’s your history paper coming?”
Son: “Well, my history professor suggested that I use the Internet for research and it’s been very helpful.
Mother: “Really?”
Son: “Yes, so far I’ve located 17 people who sell them!”
“If you’re going to work here young man, ” said the boss, “the number two thing you must learn is that we are very keen on cleanliness in this firm.” “Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?”
“Oh, yes, sir.” responded the young man.
“And another thing the number one thing we are very keen on is truthfulness. There is no mat.” said the boss.
Once upon a time, in the cold, cold country of Minnesota, there lived a rather crotchety old man.
You really couldn’t blame him for being crotchety; he had no family or friends, he lived all alone, and he didn’t have much money.
But he did have a nice place to live, despite the very cold weather.
He owned a log cabin PLUS a nice lake. The property was his very own.
In the summers, when it wasn’t so extremely cold, he swam in his lake and he fished in his lake.
In the winters he would cut holes in the ice and ice fish. Yes, his lake was his one delight in life.
Well, one cold, cold day in January (the lake was frozen over, of course) he noticed a lone man crossing his lake, hauling a sled with many, many bundles of cashmere sweaters piled on top of it. He certainly wasn’t hurting anything, simply crossing this man’s lake!
But remember, I said that this man was rather crotchety. And he was very protective of his beloved lake. And quite frankly, he didn’t like the fact that someone was using his lake to transport products!
But this first time he didn’t do anything about it, just grumbled a little to himself.
However, the next week, while peering out his window at the cold, cold country, thinking about cutting a hole in the ice and going ice fishing, he saw this same man crossing his lake hauling more bundles of cashmere sweaters on his sled. He became rather agitated. But still, he let it go.
Until the next week when it happened again!
Same man!
Same sled!
Same sweaters!
This time he was more than agitated, he was outraged!
This time he took action. He called the local police station and had the man arrested! He had no intention of letting someone pull the wool over his ice!
Being an adult can be difficult, but at least we don’t have to do P.E. anymore.
I recently got divorced from my wife. We decided to split the house. I got the outside.
I just saw 2 blind guys fighting. You should have seen both of their faces when I said, “I’ve got my money on the one with the knife.”
To start a zoo you need at least: 2 Pandas 1 Grizzly 1 Polar These are the bear minimums.
WOKE… A term used for Whining, Obnoxious, Killjoy, Egotistical pussies that need everything sugar-coated for them!
And that it’s it my friend. All is done for the day. May God Bless you with Love and Happiness until we meet again.
Dragon Laffs 