Well, as I explained on Monday.  I’m sorry that I worried you guys.  I really did send you a message here on DL telling you that I’d be absent for a little while, so again, I’m really sorry.

So, the idea here is to put together an episode for Thursday.  Getting ready for this last week of war, I pushed back all kinds of appointments, some of which are coming due THIS week, so it’s all winding down, but it’s a little busy.  I’ve got a doctor appointment, a dentist appointment and a counselor appointment with Izzy.  Plus the jail ministry on Wednesday night.  So, let’s jump into the fun stuff and see where we go from there, shall we?

So, Leah D. sent this to me…awhile ago now, but it is still really interesting…

We          Are          EVERYWHERE!!!

Coffee isn’t enough today,
I need to be struck by lightning.

Why, oh why is it always Bob that gets picked on?

An American enters a Swiss bank with a giant, heavy sack in each of his hands.  He goes to the teller, brings his face close to the glass and whispers, “I have ten million dollars with me.  I urgently need to open a secret Swiss bank account!”

The Swiss bank teller replies in a normal volume, “Sir, there’s no need to whisper.  Poverty is nothing to be ashamed of in Switzerland.”

Where Did the Phrase “Smart Alec” Come From? 

Well, click it and find out!!!

That is the honest truth!  And … AND if you are in the Midwest AND an Emergency Manager by trade (Impish Dragon) you are also trying to get closer so you can get a better photograph.

Yeah, I got nothing…mostly because I’m falling asleep here.

Okay, so now it’s Tuesday night…a lot have changed in 24 hours.  I have new teeth!  I got the bottoms today.  The partial came in and I’m eating for real for the first time.  Okay, so they pinch like the devil right now, because they are new, but I gots teef!  

I just read this on line and it purports to be a true story, even though I heard a very similar “tall tale” many years ago…

A friend just shared this, Too funny!

MONTANA STATE TROOPER

In most of the United States, there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when temperatures drop to single digits or below.

About 3 AM one very cold morning, Montana State Trooper Allan Nixon #658 responded to a call there was a car off the shoulder of the road outside Great Falls, Montana.

He located the car, stuck in deep snow and with the engine still running. Pulling in behind the car with his emergency lights on, the trooper walked to the driver’s door to find an older man passed out behind the wheel with a nearly empty vodka bottle on the seat beside him.

The driver came awake when the trooper tapped on the window. Seeing the rotating lights in his rearview mirror, and the state trooper standing next to his car, the man panicked. He jerked the gearshift into drive and hit the gas.

The car’s speedometer was showing 20-30-40 and then 50 MPH, but it was still stuck in the snow, wheels spinning. Trooper Nixon, having a sense of humor, began running in place next to the speeding (but stationary) car.

The driver was totally freaked, thinking the trooper was actually keeping up with him. This goes on for about 30 seconds, then the trooper yelled, “PULL OVER!”

The man nodded, turned his wheel, and stopped the engine. Needless to say, the man from North Dakota was arrested and is probably still shaking his head over the state trooper in Montana who could run 50 miles per hour.

Who says troopers don’t have a sense of humor.

Well, having worked for the State Troopers for several years, I know for a fact that most of them have a sense of humor…it’s a really screwy sense of humor, dark, like most cops, but they’ve got one.

You know, sometimes I have that exact same problem.

That one is from Stephanie

I came home and my dog peed a little because he was happy to see me.  None of my friends pee when they see me.  I’m surrounded by fakes.

Hunting and fishing is very popular where I live…

Bank teller:  Your account is overdrawn.

Me:  Well, so are your eyebrows, but here we are.

I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV:  “Don’t go in there!  Don’t go in the church, you moron!”

She’s watching our wedding video again.

And that is not even the worst thing that I was forced to do.

Me:  Mom, let me introduce you to my girlfriend.  

Mom:  You couldn’t find anyone better?  

Me:  Leave her alone!  I love her!  

Mom:  Keep quiet!  I’m speaking to her.

Y’all did see that one coming, right?

Dear God, fix me when I’m the problem and protect me when I’m not.

I’m really beginning to like her writing.  I was sent something else by her that hit me pretty hard.  She’s got a nice, tight writing style that I really like.  Nothing like my own, mind you … but I like it.

Did a little mechanics work today.

Put a rear end in a recliner.

That is one BIG lizard!  and I should know.

That is adorable, but they are going to have to scrub that poor baby’s whole body to get rid of that lipstick.  LOL!

My sentiments exactly!  Out of all the truly wonderful people this country has produced, year after year it comes down to two people the PARTY picks for us to choose from.  Two people who, under normal circumstances, you probably wouldn’t be comfortable sharing a meal with.  Oh, how we have fallen so far.  We let our employees control us so badly.  Yes, they are OUR employees.  They are supposed to work for us.  Not the other way around.

And now a $20 minimum wage for food service workers, driving small business owners out of business and the price of eating out through the ROOF.  That’s the problem when none of these people have ever actually lived in reality. 

I’ve ran restaurants and cooked in so many of them around the world that I’ve lost count (you try keeping a family of 4 happy and healthy on an Airman’s salary!  I ALWAYS had a part-time job cooking somewhere, everywhere I was stationed).  You DO NOT get customers in the door and thus increase profits and also thus improve the economy by having to raise prices to cover the cost of being a MORON.  You do it by offering a better product at a better price with better service.  Which is why every restaurant I ever ran made more money after I got there than before.  I could lecture on customer service all day long. 

My little Dragonette is quitting her job at Dollar General because they are idiots.  They treat their employees like garbage.  Their managers aren’t leaders and motivators, heck, they’re not even managers.  They denigrate and harass the employees and do nothing to stand up to the area supervisors who also should be leading and guiding and not doing the exact same thing that the managers are doing.  They have no idea AT ALL how to actually run a convenience store.  Do you have any idea how much money those places could make if they were run the correct way?  If they actually cared about their customers and employees first?  They are way too busy spending dollars to save dimes that they can’t see past their own noses. 

Okay, I can feel my fire rising in my belly.  I will spend the rest of the day ranting on this topic if I don’t move on ….. RIGHT ….. NOW!!!!!

But there is so much more to say… 

I said move on!  NOW! 

Okay….

That one may have belonged better in the Political Section.

This next one was sent in by Leah D.  It’s really kinda cute.  She sent it with the subject line of: Today’s Dating Scene?

My only question is that I really wanted to know which one she picked in the end?

A bit nerdy, but pretty cool technology for those of us who are into this sort of stuff:

Too late.

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

Franklin P. Jones  (1853-1935)

A man pacing back and forth glanced at his watch and yelled upstairs to his wife, “Honey, are you ready yet?”

Shouting back, the woman replies, “For crying out loud, I’ve been telling you for the last half hour that I’ll be ready in a minute!

Our 13 year old niece spent last night with us.  When we dropped her off at home, my sister-in-law asked how she behaved.  “She was an angel,” I informed her.

“Really?” she questioned.

“Yes, really.  A perfect angel.”  I assured her.

“I just don’t understand.  Whenever she is with you she is well behaved.  Whenever she is at home, she is a monster.  She misbehaves for everyone else.  In fact, the teachers at her school drew straws to see who would be stuck with her in their class.  How come she always behaves for you?”

My sister in law asked. “I don’t know.  I guess I just have a way with children.  I also try to educate them as well.  A child is never too young to learn.”  I answered.

“What do you mean.  What did you teach her?” She inquired.

“Well, for instance, children need to learn about death and dying so they better understand this process.  I explained this concept very carefully to her.”  I informed my sister-in-law.

“Really?  You explained this to her at 13?”  She asked dumbfounded.

“Well actually she was much younger when I explained this.  She now understands death perfectly.  Which is good, because it makes threatening her with it much more effective.”

Wow!  That is SO Wrong!

SHE WAS SO BLONDE THAT….

– she sent me a fax with a stamp on it
– she thought a quarterback was a refund
– she tried to put M&M’s in alphabetical order
– she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center
– she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats
– under “education” on her job application, she put “Hooked   On Phonics”
– she tried to drown a fish
– she tripped over a cordless phone
– she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box  because it said  “concentrate”
– she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make  up her mind
– she got stabbed in a shoot-out
– she told me to meet her at the corner of “WALK” and   “DON’T WALK”
– she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death
– if you gave her a penny for intelligence, you’d get change  back
– they had to burn the school down to get her out of third  grade
– she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept
– at the bottom of the application where it says “sign   here”.. she put “Sagittarius”
– she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store
– it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes
– if she spoke her mind, she’d probably be speechless
– she studied for a blood test – and failed
– she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train
– she sold the car for gas money
– when she saw the “NC-17” (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends
– when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the  home, she moved
– she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill
– when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice  instead
– when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said “Airport Left” she turned around and went home

Hey, it’ll work!

A woman was on the witness stand, accused of poisoning her husband.

“After you put poison in the coffee, you sat at the breakfast table and watched your husband drink it. Tell me, didn’t you feel the slightest bit of pity for him?” the defense attorney prompted.

“Yes,” she replied, “I think there was one moment when I felt sorry for him.”

“And when was that?”

“When he asked for his second cup.”

Or… well, you could probably name a bunch of other places also, right?  All of you must admit that the world is falling apart at the seams.

Joe called his doctor’s office for an appointment.

“I’m sorry,” said the receptionist, “we can’t fit you in for at least two weeks.”

“But I could be dead by then!”

“No problem. If your wife lets us know, we’ll cancel the appointment.”

This one is outstanding!

And that is it my friends.  I hope you had as much fun reading as I had writing.  Until Saturday…

I was just coming on here to start Thursday’s issue and I thought, gee, after all the messages that I’ve gotten wondering if I’m alright and hoping everything is alright, I ought to write a quick note and say, “what?  Don’t you guys read the notes I send anymore?”  And I go to the website and there it is…

NOTHING!!!!

See, last week, the Air Force, in its infinite wisdom, decided to start the inspection/exercise at my base like five days early!  And still run it through the weekend.  So Impish, being the great guy that he is, grabs his phone, whips out a quick message to all you guys apologizing for not being able to post again until this coming Thursday because of the Air Force and I haven’t been on my laptop ever since!  And tonight, Monday, after working 14+ hour shifts since like LAST Monday (non-stop) have all these messages and emails wondering if I’m still alive.  BECAUSE THE FAST POST THAT I SENT NEVER POSTED!!!!

Ain’t modern technology grand?

I’m so sorry my friends.  Yes, I am fine.  All is well.  Other than the fact that this dragon is frazzled and razzled and a bit ding-donged.  It has been a monster week.

I am going to try to put something together for Thursday and let you guys know how things went.  I’ve got a million emails to catch up on and some doctor appointments and stuff to catch up on, but the good news is that the Exercise is OVER!!!  And we SHOULD have passed the inspection portion of it.  I’ll be real surprised if we didn’t.  I was part of the grading process and from everything that I saw, it went fine.

Anyway, let me get this posted before someone figures out to call the local cops to do a welfare check on me.  Someone would figure out that they just saw me the other day and wonder if something happened and you’all would start a local panic around here.

Thank you my friends for caring.  I am TRULY BLESSED!

Impish

So, I have a question…is it against the law to kill your own dog?  I didn’t.  But it was only because I don’t think I can fire my 9mm right now without causing myself excruciating pain and I’m relatively sure that the .22, even with the .22 long, hollow-points that I have loaded in it wouldn’t penetrate her THICK SKULL!!!

Why?  You ask.

Because she tried to kill me.

Again.

By pulling me off the back porch.  Backwards!!!  

I’ve been watching her ever since the snow incident and the hip replacement when she pulled me off the back porch and I thought I was a goner then.  Today, everything was fine.  She was fine.  She didn’t take off running.  I stopped to light my cigar, like I normally do when I take the dogs out.  It was a little windy out, so I turned my back to the wind…(pause for dramatic effect)…and to the devil dog…who took the opportunity for homicide. 

And no!  I don’t know why my first instinct wasn’t to let go of the handle of the expandable leash.  Most of the time when you suddenly find yourself flying through the air within a split-second, your first instinct is to hang on…to something!  Unfortunately for me, I was hanging on to the thing that was dragging me through the air.  

Now, my right hand is all chewed up (you can’t tell  but I’m typing much slower and with many more typos than normal), which is my shooting hand.  I’m not bad off-handed, but my 9mm has a bit of a kick to it.  My right shin is tore up and I’m going to be a bit more purple for church tomorrow.

This was also BEFORE I mowed the lawn.  Wasn’t THAT a fun experience after being chewed up.

So, my question stands…is it illegal to kill your own dog?

We gotta do some laughing before we move on to other things…

 

Well, okay, since that was the first one in line, and since this is probably the one time it is okay to speak ill of the dead, and unless he did an awful lot of repenting lately I’m pretty sure he’s suffering for his sins right now, but hey!  It coulda happened.  AND because I got a bunch of memes on the subject… let’s do this…

I’m pretty sure the comment with that one was, “Well, did the coffin fit?”

That was all of them.

At a dinner party, Miss Holly and Joe were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy.

“No woman,” said Joe, scornfully, “can keep a secret.”

“I don’t know about that,” answered Miss Holly. “I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one.”

“You’ll let it out some day,” Joe insisted.

“I hardly think so!” responded Miss Holly. “When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever.”

Well, if we’re going to do theme work this morning, let’s do the rest of these that I have, also.

This next one is just an awesome picture!

And this one wins the award for about the stupidest thing ever said 

Congresswoman Sheila Jackson-Lee (D): 

The moon, a planet, is “made up mostly of gases” 

so we can soon live inside it, unlike the sun 

which is “almost” too hot to go near.

I actually heard part of her “speech” and she sounds like a complete idiot.  Okay, so I found it on Youtube.  Here you go…

She’s a complete and total idiot.  I’m sorry Houston, but you guys elected her.

Pop Smith gave us this warning…

It’s getting to be pollen season here in the south.  Pretty soon everything will be yellow ~Pop Smith

Because of a minor infraction, a shipmate of mine aboard the USS Reeves, bound for Japan, was busted one rank, fined and given extra duty for three weeks. 

Looking forward to celebrating his 21st birthday on July 22, he consoled himself every night during his extra duty by reciting, 

“They can bust me, they can fine me — but they can’t take away my birthday.” 

As July 22 approached, his excitement increased. When he went to bed on July 21, he happily repeated, “They can bust me, they can fine me but they can’t take away my birthday.” 

The next morning, he found out that the ship had crossed the International dateline — it was July 23.

TOP TEN REASONS TO GO TO WORK NAKED
(Okay, 11!)

11. No one ever steals your chair.

10. Gives “bad hair day” a whole new meaning.

 9. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

 8. People stop stealing your pens after they’ve seen where you keep them.

 7. So that -with a little help from Muzak- you can add “Exotic Dancer” to your exaggerated resume.

 6. You want to see if it’s like the dream.

 5. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your shirt.

 4. “I’d love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants.”

 3. Inventive way to finally meet that special person in Human Resources.

 2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

…and (drum roll) the number one reason to Go To Work Naked:

 1. Your boss is always yelling, “I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!”

I’m pretty sure this is an…

Regardless, it’s definitely funny!

Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy.

He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.  As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. 

A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. 

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.  He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, ‘You were drunk again last night, weren’t you?’

Patton said, ‘Why you say such a mean thing?’

‘Well,’ Kathleen said, ‘it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ……. it’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

I guess if it works…

Life is too short for negative drama & petty things. So laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly!

From one unstable person to another…

Yeah, just because that one was fun to color

Have you heard about the amazing new discovery?

It’s a pill that is half aspirin and half glue for people who have splitting headaches.

This is terrible.  It’s old.  And I’m blaming Joe from NJ.

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot.

One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.

She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them.

Generally the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag.

The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn’t know for sure they just continued to watch her.

After a couple of weeks the wife said, “Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?”

He hadn’t and said so. Then she said, “Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she’s really doing.”

Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave.

The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.

“Well,? Is she selling drugs?” she asked, excitement pouring out with her voice.

“No, she’s not.” he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

“Well,? What is it, then? What does she do?” his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said, “She’s a battery salesman.”

“A battery salesman?”, cried the wife.

“Yes,” he replied, “She sells ‘C’ cells by the sea shore!”

Maybe…

I wanted a haircut and phoned a salon early for an appointment but was told customers were taken on a walk-in basis only.

On Saturday I got there by 9 am. and there were already ten people waiting. I drove to another salon, but it was booked solid. Still another had no openings.

The situation seemed hopeless, so I went home. My husband greeted me at the door.

“That was fast,” he said cheerfully. “Your hair looks great!”

And not a single guy reading right now would find a single thing wrong with this.

That is the truth

I love Rollercoasters!! 

NO WE DON’T!

It is absolutely amazing to me that anyone actually even listened to this spoiled BRAT to begin with.  In my family, when someone acted this way, they got spanked and sat in the corner.

I seem to remember something about the Whigs and the Torres (?) in grammar school?  I may be misremembering.  That was a LONG time ago.

I know, surprising results.  
Idiot!

But Biden says our economy has never been better!

Well, at least she’s learning to mind her place while the adults are talking.

And I’ve run out of time my friends.  I’m on my way back to church for a special prayer service tonight.  May God Bless you and Keep you until we meet again.

So, I’m trying to get some extra work done and all I’m doing is falling further and further behind.  So, I thought, the heck with it, I’m going to go and spend some time with my camper friends.  So, here I am.  I was reading this post and someone asked the question: “What’s the funniest joke you ever heard that still makes you laugh to this day?” and someone else answered with this one:

Three couples died and went to heaven, an Irish couple, a Jewish couple and an American couple. The Irish couple stepped up to the Pearly Gates. The husband knocked on the door.

“Mr. & Mrs. O’Malley. We’d like to get into heaven, please.”

St. Peter checked his list. ” O’Malley, O’Malley. Oh, I’m sorry I can’t let you into heaven, Mr. O’Malley.”

“Why not,” said Mr. O’Malley.

“Well, while you were on Earth all you cared about was alcohol. You drank morning, noon & night. You had Guinness for breakfast & Jamieson’s for dinner. Look at the woman you married. Her name is Brandy, for God’s sake. No, we can’t let you into heaven.”

The clouds parted and the couple dropped from sight.

The Jewish couple stepped up to the Pearly Gates. The husband knocked on the door.

“Mr. & Mrs. Goldman. We’d like to get into heaven, please.”

St. Peter checked his list. “Goldman, Goldman. Oh, I’m sorry I can’t let you into heaven, Mr. Goldman.”

“Why not,” said Mr. Goldman.

“Well, while you were on Earth all you cared about was money. You hoarded money morning, noon & night. You never spent your money or gave to charities. Look at the woman you married. Her name is Penny for God’s sake. No, we can’t let you into heaven.”

The clouds parted and the couple dropped from sight.

The American couple stepped up to the Pearly Gates. The husband knocked on the door, turned to his wife, and said, “I don’t know, Fanny, it’s looking really bad for us.”

You just kinda knew that’s where the American’s head was at though, didn’t you?

Well, my own head is in a weird enough place today, so why don’t we just jump into the laughter and we’ll see where the rest of the issue takes us, shall we?

So, one more quick comment from me.  I’m so sick and tired of the rain.  I think I told you guys that my flat roof, a tiny like 10 x 10 foot section that used to be the front porch on the my house, that is now part of my living room, is leaking.  It used to be that if it was torrentially raining and the wind was blowing just right that I would get the occasional drip.  Now it’s leaking bad and I’m really gonna have to do something about it.  Of course.  I had some Amish guys come out.  Friends/family of a friend who works with me.  They looked at it and gave me a quote (last summer) of $3,000 plus.  I wasn’t going to pay that much for such a small chunk of roof!  Even if at the time I could have barely swung it.

Now, of course, with everything else that’s going on, I can barely pay my bills and I’m still waiting to be paid back for the money that I’m owed from my brother’s stuff and the silly thing is leaking even worse!  I talked to a buddy of mine, the guy I do the jail and Thursday night ministry with who is a big time carpentry guy, rebuilt his whole house.  You know, THAT guy.  He’s a month older than I am and still moves around like he’s 20 years younger.  I, on the other hand, full of arthritis, move around like I’m 40 years older.  But, this is the same guy who keeps accusing me of making up words when I say stuff like “obfuscate” so, there’s trade offs.

I asked him if he would give me a hand dumping some tar on my roof.  That way it would find the hole and seal it up?

He said, “Roof Cement.”

I said, “Okay, ‘Roof Cement’.”

He said, “There’s a difference.  Tar is just tar, roof cement has little fibers in it for a better seal and for strength.” (or something like that)

I said, “Oh, okay.  Whatever.  Would you…”

“No, not whatever.  It’s important.  There’s a big difference.”

I replied, “And I DON’T know the difference.  That’s why I’m asking you.  Now, you’re just being ostentatious.”

“And you’re making up words again.”

Anyway, my original point was that I’m getting sick and tired of the RAIN.  Everyone out here farms.  They’re all walking around with big smiles on their faces as the Wabash River is this close to flooding it’s banks.  “We had such a dry winter, we really need this.”  I hear over and over again.  Just a little over a week ago, this is a picture I sent to my buddy Wheats:

Don’t look at that crappy backyard or the decrepit fence.  The fence is on my list of priorities…it’s quite a ways down on the list, but it’s on there. Look instead at that incredible clear blue sky that God blessed us with.  Beautiful, right?  Well today, the first “nice” day since last Saturday (I think) Izzy sent me this picture on her way to work: 

Her comment was:  COWS!!!

I said it was a beautiful picture.  She said, “But there are so MANY of them!! 

LOL!  But you’ll notice that there is NO clear blue sky.

I’m REALLY tired of the rain.

Okay, so we’ve been silly and led into this long enough, so let’s try this again and MAYBE this time it will stick…

Although, one dragon can hope that at least some of you have been laughing…at least a little, already.

And he’ll also find out how that whole trial thing worked out for him.

Some of you may or may not be old enough to remember these.  For me, it is a vague memory and I’m not sure if it’s a real memory or just something I’ve read about and seen in movies and such so many times I think it’s a memory.  According to the article that Lynn sent in, they were not around when I was around, but something in the back of my head is telling me that I either saw them or someone recreated them somewhere that I saw.  But they are definitely an American classic.  Thanks Lynn for sharing this with us.

A man, a miss,
   A car, a curve.
   He kissed the miss,
   And missed the curve. Burma Shave

I’m sure that Burma Shave actually saved some lives.  People laughed and then were more careful!  It was a REAL “service” to America, even though it was an advertisement and it was one of the RARE “really useful” ones! 

Before there were interstates, when everyone drove the old 2 lane roads, Burma Shave signs would be posted all over the countryside in farmers’ fields.  They were small red signs with white letters. Five signs, about 100 feet apart, each containing 1 line of a 4 line couplet… and the obligatory 5th sign advertising Burma Shave, a popular shaving cream.

IT MAY GO HOME
IN ANOTHER CAR. Burma Shave

TRAINS DON’T WANDER
ALL OVER THE MAP
‘CAUSE NOBODY SITS
IN THE ENGINEER’S LAP. Burma Shave

SHE KISSED THE HAIRBRUSH
BY MISTAKE
SHE THOUGHT IT WAS
HER HUSBAND JAKE. Burma Shave

DON’T LOSE YOUR HEAD
TO GAIN A MINUTE
YOU NEED YOUR HEAD
YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT. Burma Shave

 

DROVE TOO LONG
DRIVER SNOOZING
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
IS NOT AMUSING. Burma Shave

BROTHER SPEEDER
LET’S REHEARSE
ALL TOGETHER
GOOD MORNING, NURSE. Burma Shave

CAUTIOUS RIDER
TO HER RECKLESS DEAR
LET’S HAVE LESS BULL
AND A LITTLE MORE STEER. Burma Shave

SPEED WAS HIGH
WEATHER WAS NOT
TIRES WERE THIN
X MARKS THE SPOT. Burma Shave

THE MIDNIGHT RIDE
OF PAUL FOR BEER
LED TO A WARMER
HEMISPHERE. Burma Shave

AROUND THE CURVE
LICKETY-SPLIT
BEAUTIFUL CAR
WASN’T IT? Burma Shave

NO MATTER THE PRICE
NO MATTER HOW NEW
THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE
IN THE CAR IS YOU. Burma Shave

A GUY WHO DRIVES
A CAR WIDE OPEN
IS NOT THINKIN’
HE’S JUST HOPIN’ Burma Shave

AT INTERSECTIONS
LOOK EACH WAY
A HARP SOUNDS NICE
BUT IT’S HARD TO PLAY. Burma Shave

BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL
EYES ON THE ROAD
THAT’S THE SKILLFUL
DRIVER’S CODE. Burma Shave

THE ONE WHO DRIVES
WHEN HE’S BEEN DRINKING
DEPENDS ON YOU
TO DO HIS THINKING. Burma Shave

CAR IN DITCH
DRIVER IN TREE
THE MOON WAS FULL
AND SO WAS HE. Burma Shave

PASSING SCHOOL ZONE
TAKE IT SLOW
LET OUR LITTLE
SHAVERS GROW. Burma Shave

Three surgeons met at a convention, and during the break, they began discussing what types of patients they liked to operate on. 

The first doc said, “I prefer to operate on short people because it more of a challenge to get the job done without making as large an incision.” 

The second surgeon replied, “Challenge, shmallenge. I prefer to operate on oriental people because their anatomy is always textbook perfect. Everything is in the right place every time.” 

The third doctor said, “Obviously neither of you have ever done surgery on a lawyer. They are by far the easiest patients to cut on. When you open them up, you’ll see that they have no heart, they certainly have no guts, and their rear end is interchangeable with their mouth.” 

A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. 

Finally he went to a marriage counselor. 

When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes. 

“Oh” said the counselor, “I see what the problem is. You can’t decide whether to marry for batter or verse.” 

Today, I found a special picture that I dug up out of the archives.  That’s me and me.  And old picture of me on the left and an old picture of me on the right from 2007 when I was in Tech School for the job that I have now.  I was quite a bit rounder there than I am now and they couldn’t find Chem gear to fit me so I got a suit of green in the pants and desert in the jacket.  LOL!  And that’s the old MCU-2 mask that we don’t use anymore.  And yes, that’s body armor that doesn’t fit, either.  If it had been the real thing, and not just training, they would’ve gotten stuff that fit.  But I was like the first civilian to EVER go through tech school and the military guys, didn’t usually come in my size.  That is, short and round.

“TOP TEN TRICKS TO LIVEN UP A MEETING!” 

1 Stand up and act indignant. Demand that the boss tell you the ‘real’ reason this meeting has been called. 

2 Spill coffee on the conference table. Produce a little paper boat and sail it down the table. 

3 During a meeting, each time the boss makes an important point, (or at least one he/she seems to consider important), keep building up little giggles until you are crying with tears of laughter – Then lookup at the people and say you were just thinking of a funny joke you heard.

4 Stay behind as everyone else, including the boss, leaves. Thank them for coming. 

5 Give a broad wink to someone else at the table. In time, wink at everyone. Sometimes shake your head just a little, as if to indicate that the speaker is slightly crazy and everybody knows it. 

6 Arrange to have a poorly-dressed young woman with an infant quietly enter the meeting, stare directly at the (male) speaker for a while, burst into tears, then leave the room. 

7 Bring a hand puppet, preferably an animal. Ask it to clarify difficult points. 

8 When there is a call for questions, lean back in your chair, prop your feet up on the table, smile contentedly, and say, “Well, here’s the way I see it, J.B…” (or any other impressive-sounding initials that are not actually your boss’s.) 

9 Complain loudly that your neighbour won’t stop touching you. Demand that the boss make him/her stop doing it. 

10 Bring a small mountain of computer printouts to the meeting. If possible, include some old-fashioned fanfold paper for dramatic effect. Every time the speaker makes a point, pretend to check it in one of the printouts. Pretend to find substantiating evidence there. Nod vigorously, and say “uh-huh, uh-huh!”

Just about every one of those would get you in a HUGE amount of trouble in my Air Force job!

I gotta try some of those!!!

You know, Aussie Pete, I’m beginning to believe some of this stuff…

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer. 

 “Look, I’ll give you £100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I’m to promise to “love, honor and obey” and “forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,” I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that part out.”

He passed the minister two £50 notes and walked away satisfied.

It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. 

When it comes time for the groom’s vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says: 

“Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?”

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, “Yes.” 

The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed: “I thought we had a deal.” 

The pastor put the two £50 notes into his hand and whispered back: “She made me a much better offer.” 

Well, you woulda thought that the pastor would’ve approached the young man with a counter offer and seen how high he could’ve driven up the price, right?  If you’re going to sell out your services, why not sell ’em all the way out?

At our jail ministry the other night, we are studying Anger.  The question was asked, “What makes you angry?”  If you think about it, directly or indirectly, anger may have a lot to do with why these guys are in jail to begin with.  And of course, when it came my turn to answer the question, as we almost always do, I said that the one thing that makes me angry more than anything else is stupidity.  People making boneheaded decisions about things that they really, REALLY ought to know better about.  

Genius!

Ugh!  What is wrong with people?!!

Doctor: “You’re coughing easier today.”

Patient: “No wonder. I practiced all night.”

Go ahead and try that, see how it works out for you.

After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers. 

“I’m busy dear,” he said, “I’ll do the next one.”

The next time came around, and she asked again. 

The husband looked puzzled. “Oh! I didn’t mean the next diaper… I meant the next baby!” 

Interesting concept to think about the things that were science fiction then that are ancient history now.

Wow!  That was almost perfect!

Top 10 Most Romantic Lines From New English Language Students

10. I fell in love with her the first time I sawed her. 

9. He had such a worm heart. 

8. We were two sheeps passing in the night. 

7. We have hated each other for so long.  I want to borrow the hatchet. 

6. My dentist makes me blush twice a day. 

5. I don’t know if he will propose, but I am expecting. 

4. I have something exciting to tell you.  My girlfriend and I got enraged last night! 

3. The groom was wearing a very nice croissant. 

2. He lifted the veal off her face and gave her a big kiss. 

1. I think she is really glad she got marinated. 

Yeah, so’s mine.  I think I’ve told you before, that when we would drive down the road and had the radio on in the car and a good song would come on and I would sing, Mary would turn the volume up so she couldn’t hear me.  THAT’S how bad my singing voice is and she loves me!

The minister asked for anyone who knew a truly perfect person to stand up.

After a long pause a meek-looking fellow in the back stood.

“Do you really know a perfect person?”  he was asked.

“Yes, Sir, I do,”  answered the little man.

“Would you please tell the congregation who this rare perfect person is?”

“Yes, Sir, my wife’s first husband.”

Probably a dead husband…

Gotta wonder what other animal vomit we’ve tried…

Wow!  Just…Wow!

Boy, ain’t that the truth!  I want to learn Greek, just so that I can read the New Testament in its original to get all the nuance of the language that our poor, crippled English language just doesn’t have.  For instance, (and I may have shared this with you, because I wrote a paper on it for my guys in the jail) did you know that the greeks had 8 different words for love?  Mania, Philautia, Ludus, Pragma, Storge, Eros, Philia, and Agape. Then, I want to learn Hebrew, so I can read the Old Testament in the original.  Some of this may have to wait until I’m in Heaven.  Then I’ll have plenty of time…but…then I’ll have perfect understanding, too.  Hmmm… I’ll have to give that some thought.

A short theme…

End of theme.  If you paid attention.

Hence the REAL reason for the 2nd Amendment.

This next one is a bit difficult to read.  Feel free to pass it by.

like I just heard Dr. Phil say to a Palestinian woman who started going on about “100 years of …”, (and I’m paraphrasing) “when you climb over a fence, break into a house, pour gasoline on an infant, and set them on fire! There is NO excuse for that!  NONE!”  The biggest difference, the most obvious, glaring difference between the Israelis and Hamas is this:  The Jews are going out of their way to protect and keep safe those that can’t protect and keep themselves safe.  The young, the old, the infirm.  Hamas is hiding amongst them and using them as shields.  They are purposefully targeting them.  Tell me again, who is committing atrocities.  As I said before, Dragon Laffs is NOT stupidity friendly.

Absolutely they do.  Because if they don’t, they know that we will turn those weapons on them when they go too far.  Heck, maybe not.  They’ve already gone too far.  So have the Republicans.  And “We the People” have sat on our hands and done NOTHING.

Politics …

If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates. — Jay Leno

The problem with political jokes is they get elected. — Henry Cate, VII

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office — Aesop

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river. — Nikita Khrushchev

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I’m beginning to believe it. — Clarence Darrow

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnels. — John Quinton, American actor/writer

Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you. — Author unknown

Politics is supposed to be the second-oldest profession.  I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first. — Ronald Reagan

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other. — Oscar Ameringer, “the Mark Twain of American socialism”

I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them. — Adlai Stevenson, 1952

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country. — Tex Guinan

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. — Doug Larson, English middle-distance runner who won gold medals at the 1924 Paris Olympic Games

We’d all like to vote for the best man, but he’s never a candidate. — Kin Hubbard, American cartoonist/humorist

An election is coming.  Universal peace is declared and the foxes have a sincere interest in prolonging the lives of the poultry. — George Eliot

Never believe anything in politics until it has been officially denied. — Otto von Bismarck

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies. — Groucho Marx

Politics is the entertainment division of the military-industrial complex. —Frank Zappa

Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress.  But I repeat myself. — Mark Twain

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent. — Salvor Hardin, in Isaac Asimov, Foundation saga

If voting made any difference, they wouldn’t let us do it. — attrib. to Mark Twain

For the life of me, I can’t figure out what they were trying to say.

No, I don’t blame you.  Most of them are pretty bad.

Umm…doesn’t that imply that…nah…yeah?…nah!…kinda…

I remember those monster slides.  You know they won’t even let them on a playground anymore.

Everything that can be invented has been invented.

– Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899

Ah – the times they are a changin’…

School boy to teacher: “I did my homework, but the dog pressed control-alt-delete!”

They’ll never get it…

My sister, Sharon, and I are close, and that allows us to be honest with each other. As she fidgeted in front of the mirror one evening before a date, she remarked, “I’m fat.”

“No, you’re not,” I scolded.

“My hair is awful.”

“It’s lovely.”

“I’ve never looked worse,” she whined.

“Yes, you have,” I replied.

Stumpy was visiting a friend in the hospital. He was trying to stop smoking and was chewing on an unlit cigar when he got on the elevator. 

A lady said to him with a snarl, ‘Sir, there’s no smoking in here.’

Stumpy said, ‘I’m not smoking lady.’ 

‘But you have a cigar in your mouth,’ the woman said. 

‘Lady, ‘ Stumpy answered, ‘I’ve got on Jockey shorts, too, but I’m not riding a horse.’ ” 

A man walks into a bar, he sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the barman, “Why are those two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling?” 

The barman replies, “It’s a competition which we run every night. If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get free drinks for the whole night.” 

Great!” says the man, “but what if I can’t reach them?”

Then you have to buy all the drinks for everyone all night,” the barman  answers. 

Do you want to try?” 

No, but thanks anyway.” 

Why not?” asks the barman. 

The steaks are too high.” 

Top ten bizarre customer complaints to Holiday Reps received by the firm in recent years:

1 On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don’t like spicy food at all.

2 The beach was too sandy.

3 I bought a snorkel and swimming mask for my six-year-old son, but he was too upset to use them as the fish frightened him.

4 It rained on my birthday.

5 Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women.

6 I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts.

7 It’s lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during ‘siesta’ time – this should be banned.

8 We bought ‘Ray-Ban’ sunglasses for five euros (£3.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake.

9 None of the hotel staff was English, and the tea didn’t taste the same as at home.

10 I would like to complain about the price of alcohol in the resort. It was too cheap and I woke with a hangover every day.

I love this one.  I too saw it as military humor.  There were additional ones that I’ve seen.  There were some that I’ve personally found.  There was one that I personally stopped from becoming a write up that would have cost a lot of man-hours and a lot of money that couldn’t possibly be a problem…I’ll tell you about that one at the end.  But first, this one.

Originally Military humor that keeps going around but still funny:
___________________

It takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in our jobs. After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a ‘gripe sheet,’ which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way,UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident. 

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-feet-per-minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground..
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF is always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
*
P: Aircraft handles funny. 
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P:Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And the last one…
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.

In the Air Force we had the Aircraft forms and you had three different types of write ups.  There was a little box in the upper left corner of the forms page where you would write the description of what the problem was and in that box you would put a symbol.  Each of the three different kinds of write ups had a different kind of symbol and meant something different.  A red X, meant the aircraft was grounded and couldn’t fly again until the write up was cleared.  Only certain people could clear a red X.  A red diagonal was a serious problem and may or may not ground the aircraft depending on what else went along with it.  And then a red dash was mostly informational.

So, I was working F-4 E’s, which had the 20mm nose gun and I got a call to meet the jet because the pilot was calling in for a slow firing gun.  Having worked the gun shop and the loading shop on that particular jet I knew how almost impossible that was.  So, I met the jet as he taxied in and out of the back seat climbs an instructor pilot who I was familiar with.  Good guy, but liked to let the trainee pilots hang themselves and not rescue them from stupid situations.  So, I was pretty sure that that was what I had.  Out of the front seat, slowly climbed down a 1Lt.  I let the crew chief have him first while I popped the gun panel, glanced inside to make sure there weren’t a bunch of twisted parts lying everywhere and waiting my turn.  Finally the IP (Instructor Pilot) pointed the lieutenant my way and I asked him what the problem was.  I made him explain it to me in detail. The major was standing behind him rolling his eyes.  And finally I asked him, “Sir, when you did your walk around pre-flight, did you inspect your gun?”

He looked a little startled but answered, “Well, as much as I could through that little panel.  Got my starting ammo count and such.  You know.”

“Right.  I gotcha.  Well, when you did your inspection, did you happen to notice, on the side of the 20 millimeter round, right near the top, where it says, ’20 MM’ did you notice if they were capital Ms or lower case Ms?”

And he gets this terrified look in his eyes like: NO ONE EVER TOLD ME I WAS SUPPOSED TO MAKE A NOTE OF THAT!!! But what he said was, very calmly, “Well, no Sargent, I didn’t notice.”

I said, “Ah, that’s probably it then.  They were probably small Ms.  The small Ms are the slow firing ammo and the capital Ms are the regular, fast firing ammo.  We were supposed to have gotten rid of all that old slow firing stuff, but you may have gotten some of that old lot.  I wouldn’t worry.  It shouldn’t happen again.  No problem then.  Will there be anything else, sir?”

And everything would have been fine, if I hadn’t caught the major’s eye behind him.  He’s got tears running down his face, he’s trying so hard to not laugh.  I started to crack up and had to pretend that I went into a coughing fit.  Bent over and turned away so he wouldn’t see me and then walked away coughing.  

The major tracked me down later and told me it was the funniest thing he ever heard and retold that story over and over again. 

Oh, to put it all in perspective…he was going to red X the aircraft, which would have required pulling the entire gun system out of the jet, completely breaking the gun system down and rebuilding it and putting it back in again.  Then boresighting the gun, also.  About a hundred-twenty man hours worth of labor and grounding the jet for about 5 days minimum.  

And that’s it my friends.  Lots of me in this one.  I hope you enjoyed it.