It’s been a day.  It just seems like a day ago that I was working on the weekend and here I am working it again.  Long day.  LONG DAY.  Then I came home and cut down a tree.  I am worn out.  And a harder day tomorrow. 

So, rather than sit here and complain, let’s get into some laughter before I have to call it a night and get some sleep.

A class in sex education was about to begin, and each student had to bring in a permission slip in order to take it.

A boy handed in his slip and explained to the teacher, “My mom says I can take the course as long as there’s no homework. 

Yup, that’s me.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

-Groucho Marx (1895-1977)

This one is ALL about me!  I get into a good book and I will read instead of doing just about anything except maybe breathing.  And I think if I had to give that up in order to finish some of those books I’d be hard pressed to figure out a way to get that done.

I have no idea who snapped this picture of me defending my human friends, but it’s one of the very few REAL pictures out there of me.

Yup!

Wondering how many of you are going to get that one.

“I see you went crazy at the big summer clearance sale,” Wanda comments, as she looks at all the bags of merchandise her friend, Carol just brought home from the store.

“You got that right … I almost bought their elevator ’cause it was marked down.”

Massachusetts  Law

A woman can not be on top in sexual activities.

I can’t believe that’s an actual law someplace.  

And I wonder how many are going to get that one…

I ain’t much for shopping, Or for goin’ into town except at cattle-shipping time, I ain’t too easily found.

But the day came when I hadda go… I left the kids with Ma. but ‘fore I left, she asked me, “Would you pick me up a bra?”

So without thinkin’ I said, “Sure,” How tough could that job be? An’ I bent down and kissed her an’ said, “I’ll be back by three.”

Well, I done the things I needed, But I started to regret ever offering to buy that thing… It worked me up a sweat.

I walked into the ladies shop, my hat pulled over my eyes, I didn’t want to take a chance on bein’ recognized.

I walked up to the sales clerk… I didn’t hem or haw – I told that lady right straight out, “I’m here to buy a bra.”

From behind I heard some snickers, so I turned around to see every woman in that store was a’gawkin’ right at me!

“What kind would you be looking for? Well, I just scratched my head. I’d only seen one kind before, “Thought bras was bras,” I said.

She gave me a disgusted look, “Well sir, that’s where you’re wrong. Follow me,” I heard her say, like a dog, I tagged along.

She took me down this alley where bras was on display. I thought my jaw would hit the floor when I saw that lingerie!

They had all these different styles that I’d never seen before I thought I’d go plumb crazy ‘fore I left that women’s store.

They had bras you wear for eighteen hours and bras that cross your heart. There was bras that lift and separate, and that was just the start.

They had bras that made you feel like you ain’t wearing one at all, And bras that you can train in when you start off when you’re small.

Well, I finally made my mind up… picked a black and lacy one… I told the lady, “Bag it up,” And figured I was done.

But then she asked me for the size I didn’t hesitate I knew that measurement by heart, “A six-and-seven-eighths.”

“Six and seven eighths you say? That really isn’t right.” “Oh, yes ma’am! I’m real positive… I measured them last night!”

I thought that she’d go into shock, musta took her by surprise when I told her that my wife’s bust was the same as my hat size.

“That’s what I used to measure with, I figured it was fair, but if I’m wrong, I’m sorry ma’am.” This drew another stare.

By now a crowd had gathered and they all was crackin’ up when the lady asked to see my hat, to measure for the cup.

When she finally had it figured, I gave the gal her pay. Then I turned to leave the store, tipped my hat and said, “Good day.”

My wife had heard the story ‘fore I ever made it home. She’d talked to fifteen women who called her on the phone.

She was still a-laughin’ but by then I didn’t care. Now she don’t ask and I don’t shop for women’s underwear…

From what I understand, she ain’t pretty but she’s great with the kids.

That is absolutely adorable!

A little boy came home from Sunday School with a big candy bar. His mother asked him where he got it.

“I bought it at the store with the dollar you gave me,” he said.

“That dollar was for Sunday School,” she scolded him.

“I know, Mom, he replied, “but the Pastor met me at the door and got me in for free!”

A radio announcer was introducing a record, ‘The next one is for Charlotte Burke, who is a hundred and eleven. 

Hey, Charlotte, that’s a ripe old age, isn’t it?’ 

There was a short pause and then the DJ said, ‘I’m sorry, I got it wrong. This next one is for Charlotte Burke, who is ill.’ 

Top 20 Engineers’ Terminology

1. A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED
– We are still pissing in the wind.

2. EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM
– We just hired three kids fresh out of college.

3. CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION
– We know who to blame.

4. MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH
– It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.

5. CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED
– We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.

6. PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE
– The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.

7. TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING
– We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.

8. THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED
– The only person who understood the thing quit.

9. IT IS IN THE PROCESS
– It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.

10. WE WILL LOOK INTO IT
– Forget it! We have enough problems for now.

11. PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL
– Let’s spread the responsibility for the screw up.

12. GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING
– We’ll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn’t interfere with what we’ve already done.

13. GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION
– I can’t wait to hear this bull!

14. SEE ME or LET’S DISCUSS
– Come into my office, I’m lonely.

15. ALL NEW
– Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.

16. RUGGED
– Too damn heavy to lift!

17. LIGHTWEIGHT
– Lighter than RUGGED.

18. YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT
– One finally worked.

19. ENERGY SAVING
– Achieved when the power switch is off.

20. LOW MAINTENANCE
– Impossible to fix if broken.

I was listening to a lady who called a radio pastor. The pastor was a wise, grandfatherly gentleman who has that calm reassuring voice that can melt all fear.

The lady, who was obviously crying, said, “Pastor, I was born blind, and I’ve been blind all my life. I don’t mind being blind but I have some well meaning friends who tell me that if I had more faith I could be healed.”

The pastor asked her, “Tell me, do you carry one of those white tipped canes?”

“Yes I do,” she replied.

“Then the next time someone says that hit them over the head with the cane,” He said. “Then tell them ‘If you had more faith that wouldn’t hurt!'”

A tourist driving through Arkansas passes a young boy walking along wearing only one shoe.

The tourist stops his car and asks the boy, “Did you lose a shoe?”

Nope,” the boy replies. “Found one.”

Little Hershkele Stankow was shopping with his mother, much to his dismay.

When they walked past a toy store and Hershkele saw a new toy he really wanted, he begged and pleaded and pulled on his mama’s arm until she said, “Sorry Hershkele. We are not here to buy you a toy.”

Hershkele pulled away from his mama in anger and said, “I never met a lady as mean as you!”

Taking his hand in hers, she gently retorted, “Hershkele, darling, someday you’ll get married and you will … you will!”

My husband went on a sudden business trip, and I accompanied him.

It soon became apparent that he could not wrap things up in one day, so his employer put us up for the night in a luxury hotel.

We found a convenience store and purchased toothbrushes, a razor and other necessary items.

Finally we entered the lobby of the hotel, each of us toting a brown paper bag filled with supplies.

The hotel manager looked us over. Raising an eyebrow, he intoned haughtily, “Matched luggage?”

Realizing that the time had come for him to stop working so hard, an old blacksmith chose a strong young man to become his apprentice.

The young man was full of questions and the old blacksmith was ill-tempered and exacting.

“Don’t ask me a lot of questions,” grumbled the old man. “Just do whatever I tell you to do!”

One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on the anvil.

“Get the hammer over there,” he snapped at the apprentice. “When I nod my head, hit it as hard as you can.”

The town is now looking for a new blacksmith.

One day the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn’t have to go to school the following Monday.

On the first Friday the teacher asks: “How many grains of sand are on the beach?” needless to say, no one could answer. 

The following Friday, the teacher asks the class: “How many stars are in the sky?” and again no one could answer. 

Frustrated little Johnny decides that the next Friday he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend. 

So Thursday nightJohnny takes 2 ping pong balls and paints them black. The next day he brings them to school in a paper bag. 

At the end of the day just when the teacher says, “here’s this week’s question,” Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the ping pong balls rolling to the front of the room. 

Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing. 

The teacher says, “ok, who’s the comedian with the black balls?” 

Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, “Bill Cosby, see ya on Tuesday. 

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, “Father, my dog is dead. Could ya’ be saying a mass for the poor creature?”

Father Partrick replied, “I’m afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there’s no tellin’ what they believe. Maybe they’ll do something for the creature.

Muldoon said, “I’ll go right away Father, Do ya’ think $5,000 is enough to donate for the service?”

Father Patrick exclaimed, “Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn’t ya’ tell me the dog was Catholic?”

“Just try to relax, this won’t take long,” said the gynecologist trying to calm the obviously nervous young blonde patient. 

“Haven’t you ever been examined like this before?” he asked. 

“Yeah, sure,” she replied, “but not by a doctor!” 

There was a young lady named Hall, 
Wore a newspaper dress to a ball. 
The dress caught fire, 
And burned her entire 
Front page, sports section, and all

And that’s it my friends.

So, it’s been a full week for me.  Wednesday night was Jail Ministry and it was a really GREAT night.  Spirit was definitely there, had one guy who was really fighting back and another who was so convinced he was hooked on meth that he didn’t have any chance at all of ever not being and others that were so interested in hear the Word of God…the lesson we were teaching was on anger and it fit in so perfectly with what everyone was going through.  It was really beautiful. 

Thursday was the National Day of Prayer and of course I had to work, so I our little towns prayer service on the courthouse steps at noon.  I would have normally gone, but I had a class to teach at 1300 and would only have been able to stay for a few minutes before I would have had to leave to head back to base.  But one of my Bible Study buddies from base (he does Bible Study on the 2nd and 4th Wednesday that I go to and I have the Grief Group on Base on the 1st and 3rd Wednesday of each month that he comes to) told me about a prayer meeting (service?  ceremony?) that was going to be going on in the town that he lives in, like the next major town over from mine in the evening, so I went to that one.  They did a special prayer for the military and my buddy was the one who led that one and there was another one of our Bible Study guys there (the only other guy that I knew), and it was an awesome experience.  I’m really glad that I went.

Did any of you hear anything at all from Biden on the National Day of Prayer?  I didn’t hear anything at all.  I didn’t know this, but by law, the President is supposed to issue a proclamation every year designating the first Thursday in May as the National Day of Prayer.  So, I went looking for it.  And it’s there.  But, I didn’t hear anyone say anything about it anywhere.  Now, I’m not really tuned into the communist/socialist news channels…I’m sorry, I mean the main stream media news channels anymore, so they very well could have said something and I likely would have missed it.  I did a google search and can’t see where any media source reported on it.  The only place I see it mentioned is on the White House website.  And it’s not much to read, but it’s better than nothing and … well, I’ll leave it go at that.  Far be it from me to complain about someone else’s prayers.  I have enough problems with my own, I REALLY should not be casting stones.

Anyway, busy and very filled week to this point and I’m working all weekend.  This UTA came up way too quickly and it’s already late on Friday night before I even got this episode started, so let’s get into the fun stuff and see how much I can get done before I fall asleep behind this keyboard and have to call it quits.

I know you must be getting tired of these section headers since I keep using this one over and over again.  You know I have others because I have used others in the past, but I REALLY like these and I plan on making new ones kinda based on these, but I just haven’t gotten around to it … yet.

Or more!  Man, a GOOD divorce attorney can get a regular wife two-thirds.  The lawyers will be lining UP to take this case!

And look at her eyes!  They look just crazy enough that SHE DOESN’T CARE!!!!

I have heard this next story before in generalities, but never in this much detail.  Thanks to Stephanie for sharing this.  It makes wonderful sense and should be shared and explained to everyone in exactly this same manner.

A man named Tom Nicholson posted on his Facebook account the sports car that he had just bought and how a man approached and told him that the money used to buy this car could’ve fed thousands of less fortunate people.

His response to this man made him famous on the internet. READ his story as stated on Facebook below:

 A guy looked at my Corvette the other day and said,

“I wonder how many people could have been fed for the money that sports car cost?

I replied I’m not sure;

it fed a lot of families in Bowling Green, Kentucky who built it,

it fed the people who make the tires,

it fed the people who made the components that went into it,

it fed the people in the copper mine who mined the copper for the wires,

it fed people in at Caterpillar who make the trucks that haul the copper ore.

It fed the trucking people who hauled it from the plant to the dealer

and fed the people working at the dealership and their families.

BUT,… I have to admit, I guess I really don’t know how many people it fed.

That is the difference between capitalism and the welfare mentality.

When you buy something, you put money in people’s pockets and give them dignity for their skills.

When you give someone something for nothing, you rob them of their dignity and self-worth.

Capitalism is freely giving your money in exchange for something of value.

Socialism is having the government take your money against your will and give it to someone else for doing nothing.

I think this is well written and well thought out

If you agree please send it to your friends.

If you don’t agree just delete it and have a nice day.

The class assignment was to write about something unusual that happened during the past week. 

Little Johnny got up to read his, “Papa fell in the well last week…” he began. 

“Good heavens,” shrieked Mrs. Koop. “Is he all right now?” 

“He must be,” said little Johnny. “He stopped yelling for help yesterday.”

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children fell to discussing the dog’s duties.

“They use him to keep crowds back,” said one youngster.

“No,” said another, “he’s just for good luck.”

A third child brought the argument to a close.

“They use the dogs,” she said firmly, “to find the fire  hydrant!”

One of my favorite little animations

When old Mr. O’Leary died, an elaborate wake was planned. In preparation, Mrs. O’Leary called the undertaker aside for a private little talk. 

“Please be sure to fasten his toupee to his head very securely. No one but I knew he was bald,” she confided, “and he’d never rest in peace if anyone found out at this point. Our friends from the old country are sure to hold his hands and touch his head before they’re through paying their last respects.” 

“Rest assured, Mrs. O’Leary,” comforted the undertaker, “I’ll fix it so that toupee will never come off.” 

Sure enough, the day of the wake the old timers were giving O’Leary’s corpse quite a going-over, but the toupee stayed firmly in place. At the end of the day a delighted Mrs. O’Leary offered the undertaker an extra thousand dollars for handling the matter so professionally. 

“Oh, I couldn’t possibly accept your money,” protested the undertaker. 

“After all…what’s a few nails?” 

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. 

The route they were flying had a stay over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. 

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day’s route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. 

He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. 

She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn’t get out of her room. 

“You can’t get out of your room?” the captain asked, “Why not?” 

The stewardess replied, “There are only three doors in here,” she cried, “one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says, ‘Do Not Disturb’!”

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

– Thomas Jones (1892 – 1969)

Ahh, those romantic evenings, out on the veranda…

An honest 7-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class. “How did that happen?” gasped her mother.

“It wasn’t easy,” admitted the young lady, “but three girls helped me catch him.”

Louisiana Law

It illegal for a woman to drive a car unless her husband is waving a flag in front of it.

A man had run to the store with his daughters, Sarah (four) and Hannah (two) and on the way home he drove through a neighborhood looking for houses for sale. After a bit Sarah asked, “Daddy, what are we doing?”

The man said he was looking at the houses that were for sale.

Sarah asked “Are you gonna buy a new house?”

He replied “Maybe.”

Then Sarah said with much concern, “But Dad, how will we get it HOME?!”

A man has always had a beard. One day, he decided to shave it off.

He came into the room where his 3 year old granddaughter Tiffany was and asked her, “Notice anything different?”

To which she replied, “No,” with a puzzled look on her face.

He then said to her, “My beard’s gone.”

Now the puzzled look disappeared and the innocent eyes appeared when she said “I didn’t take it!”

One day a boy came walking home from school. On the way home he saw a creek. He quickly jumped in, clothes and all. When he arrived home completely soaked his dad asked, “Son what happened?” 

“I jumped in that creek down the road.” 

“Why did you do that?” 

“I dunno.” 

His dad was very angry and said, “If you jump in that creek again, just because, I’m gonna tan that hide – just because! Is that clear?” 

“Yes dad.” replies his son. 

The next day, the boy came home walking from school, and sure enough when he saw that creek, he jumped right on in. 

When he went home, his dad knew what had happened and asked, “Didn’t I tell you not to jump in that creek again?” 

“Yes dad, but Satan told me to do it!” 

His dad, being somewhat religous, decided to give his son the benefit of the doubt and tells him – “Next time Satan tells you to do something like that, say ‘Satan get thee behind me in the name of Jesus’.”

“Ok dad.” replied the son. 

Well the next day after school, the boy was walking across the bridge, and well you know the rest. He came home again soaked. 

His dad said, “I thought I told you what to say when you came to that creek!” 

“I said what you told me dad, and when I did, Satan pushed me in!” 

Think of a letter between A and W. Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.

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*

Keep going!

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*

Think of an animal that begins with that letter. Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.

*
*

Think of a man’s/woman’s name that begins with the last letter in that animal. Say it out loud as you scroll down.

*
*

Now count out the letters in that name on the fingers of the hand you are not using to scroll down.
*
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Take the hand you counted with, smack yourself in the head, get and get a life and quit playing stupid e-mail games.

When everything went to hell in Florida after Hurricane Ian, I didn’t see a lot of Priuses, windmills or social justice warriors coming to save the day.  I saw diesel trucks, combustion generators, heavy tractors, fuel tankers and a whole lotta bearded good ol’ boys putting some of that “toxic masculinity” to work saving lives and rebuilding society.  God Bless the backbone of America: the hardworking men and women of the middle class!!

Or put more succinctly:  When the proverbial hits the fan, nobody calls the pronoun people for help.

And that’s it my friends.  Until Monday (hopefully)

So…Issue #2300.  It’s gotta be some sort of milestone, right?  Two thousand, three hundred.  Sounds like a lot, doesn’t it?  It’s about 127 Issues a year or one issue every three days.  That’s quite a bit, really.

I shouldn’t be writing this right now, I don’t think.  I’m a bit depressed.  My stupid dog just pulled me over again whilst we were outside.  I’m wondering if she’s getting too big for me to control or I’m getting too old to control her.  All she was doing was running after the other one.  Luckily I was on flat ground and was able to stumble my way over to the grass and fall on the grass.  The wet, soggy, muddy grass.

Anyway, brought them both back inside.  It was the last “out” of the day, which means they both know they get treats.  Normally two little biscuits (or three if I’m feeling really generous) each.  They come over to me as I sit in my chair in the living room, they sit very nicely and patiently.  I hold the treat out, but they are NOT allowed to take the treat from me until I say, “okay.” And they are not to take it aggressively, they are to take it “easy”.  And they do a really good job of it, otherwise they don’t get a treat.  

Well tonight, of course I was angry.  I got two treats.  Gave one to Pepper and told Willow she was bad, chewed her out some, told her she was bad and gave the second treat to Pepper, told Willow she was bad and told her to get in bed.  She got in bed and this is the look that I got:

I think I hurt her little feelings. 

So, after about 20 minutes (an absolute lifetime to a dog) I got ONE treat, called her over to me, made her sit, talked to her about what she did wrong and gave her the treat.  Of course, she looked for the other one and Pepper came over and wanted to know where her’s were and I had to tell her that she already got hers and SHE got all pouty. 

I swear,

Living in a house full of women… well, I’ll just leave it at that. 

Now… 

You guys remember this map from the last episode?

Well, Stephen B. sent us an email with the subject line of “Are you saying… …that…” and here’s the ridiculous email that goes with it.  Oh!  Not ridiculous that he sent it, ridiculous in what the email talks about. 

Just read it, you’ll see.  (Thanks Stephen).

……..that all the green states must now change their names because it might offend Native Americans?  Here on Long Island, in New York, the dip sticks are forcing the sports of all the schools to change their names if they are associated with Native Americans.

From Newsday:

The New York State Education Department has ordered school districts to stop using mascots, team names or imagery depicting Native Americans by the end of the school year or risk losing state aid.

The guidance issued Thursday to school districts statewide by Senior Deputy Commissioner James N. Baldwin stems from a court case involving an upstate school district that sought to keep its “Indians” team name, logo and mascot and challenged the state in court but recently lost the case.

“The court’s decision establishes that public school districts are prohibited from utilizing Native American mascots,” Baldwin said. “Arguments that community members support the use of such imagery or that it is ‘respectful’ to Native Americans are no longer tenable. Those school districts that continue to utilize Native American team names, logos, and/or imagery without current approval from a recognized tribe must immediately come into compliance.”

Because of a name.  A name that NO ONE is complaining about who has a goat in the fight.  It is because of other people taking offense who have no reason TO take offense.  Moronic.

 

The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company’s production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived.

The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo. “This”, he said, “is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it”.

A smartass who ran a humor mailing list stepped forward and asked, “Where is my father?”

There was the soft hum of powerful electronic gear going to the task. Panel lights lit and blinked, and within a couple of seconds the laser printer printed out a piece of paper: “Fishing off Florida.”

The smartass laughed, “Actually, my father is dead! It was a trick question.”

The salesman, quickly thinking on his feet, replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as the Ultimate Computer was precise, perhaps a rewording of the question might work better.

The smartass said to the Ultimate Computer, “Where is my mother’s husband?”

Again, the hum of the powerful electronic brain filled the room. After a moment, the laser printer whirred to life. The paper said, “Dead. But your father is still fishing off Florida.”

So, we were at the bar drinking this really hoppy beer and seeing who can get the loudest, longest belch.  And I was doing really well at not cutting in the flame, but I was also getting a little drunk and … well … a funny thing happened …

Did you know that toasted fairly smells an awful lot like toasted marshmallow?

Did she forget it was there?

Husband: “This coffee isn’t fit for a pig!” 

Wife: “No problem. I’ll get you some that is.” 

Shirley and Abe, a retired couple from New York City, living in Miami, are getting ready to go out to dinner. 

Shirley says, “Abe, darling, do you want me to wear this Chanel suit or the Gucci?” 

 Abe says, “Do I care?” 

A few minutes later Shirley says, “Abe, should I wear my Cartier watch or my Rolex?” 

Abe says, “Who cares?” 

 A few more minutes pass and Shirley says, “Abe, love, shall I wear my five-carat pear diamond ring or my six-carat round diamond ring with the baguettes?” 

Abe says, “Shirley, I really don’t care what you wear, but if you don’t move your butt, we’re going to miss the Early Bird Special at McDonalds. 

This is my stop, thanks for the ride.

Both of them Eunuchs?

That would do it for me.

She married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She soon married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. But she remarried and this time had 5 more children. 

Alas, she finally died. 

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord above, thanking Him for this loving woman who fulfilled His commandment to “Go forth and multiply.” 

In his eulogy, the preacher said, “Lord, they’re finally together.” 

Leaning over to a neighbour, one mourner quietly asked “Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?” 

The neighbour replied, “I think he means her legs.” 

My grandfather was a professional organist…….

until the monkey died.

On the way to pre-school, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it.

“Be still, my heart,” thought the doctor, “my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!”

Then the child spoke into the instrument, “Welcome to McDonald’s. May I take your order?”

The words “Fetish” and “Urine” should NEVER be used in the same sentence.

Maine Law

Shotguns are required to be taken to church in the event of a Native American attack.

An old man was once on the subway, and he sat down next to a younger man.

e noticed that the young man had a strange kind of shirt collar.

Having never seen a priest before, he asked, “Excuse me sir, but why do you have your shirt collar on backwards?”

The priest became a bit flustered but politely answered, “I wear this collar because I am a Father.”

The older gent thought a second and responded, “Sir, I am also a father but I wear my collar front-ways. Why do you wear your collar so differently?”

The priest thought for a minute and said, “Sir, I am the Father for many.”

The older fellow quickly answered, “I too am the father of many. I have five sons, six daughters and too many grandchildren to count… But I wear my collar like everyone else does. Why do you wear it your way?”

The priest who was beginning to get exasperated thought and then blurted out, “Sir, I am the Father for hundreds and hundreds of people.”

Now the kindly old gentleman was stunned and sat silently for a long time.

As he got up to leave the subway train, he leaned over to the priest and said, “Well, sonny, perhaps, it’s your pants you should wear backwards.”

SIGNS YOU’VE CHOSEN A “NO FRILLS” AIRLINE

They don’t sell tickets, they sell chances.

All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.

Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.

You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change.

Before you took off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.

The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.

When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.

The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.

You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says, “Just once.”

No movie. Don’t need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.

You see a man with a gun, but he’s demanding to be let off the plane.

All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.

I’m not particularly fond of people who fly in private jets to a meeting where they discuss how to take away my car and feed me bugs…because they are so important.  But, maybe that’s just me.

In regards to #7 … I was listening to a Christian Missionary talk about one of the long, difficult missions he was on.  He told us all about the hardships about being separated from his family for so long, but about all the really cool stuff he got to do.  But then we he mentioned that he was gone for two whole weeks I laughed out loud long and hard.  I have never, been on a TDY that lasted ONLY 2 weeks.

Congratulations to all the women who vote Democrat!

ZERO House Democrats voted to pass the
protection of women and girls in sports.

Republicans: 219
Democrats: 0

I think this dog has died and been reincarnated into Willow.

Why are things so expensive?

Because 4 companies control 55% to 85% of the meat market. 

Because 4 airlines control 80% of air travel. 

Because 3 companies control 92% of the soda market. 

Because 3 companies control 73% of the cereal market. 

Why don’t I hear about it?  

Because 6 companies control 90% of the news.

Microsoft’s AI Is Draining 56 Million Gallons Of Drinking Water From A Small City In Arizona

One of the many major environmental issues that is staring at us from the not-so-distant future is the fact that clean drinking water could quickly become scarce.

So, the fact that Microsoft’s AI requires a lot of it could be yet another strike, as far as public opinion goes.

There is a Microsoft data center in Goodyear, Arizona, that requires quite a lot of water to support cloud computing and AI.

Since it’s located in a desert, that’s creating a bit of an issue.

You probably know that AI requires a huge amount of energy. You might be less aware of the amount of water it needs in order to mitigate the risk of overheating.

Microsoft has been avoiding the question of just how much water their Goodyear plant is siphoning from the desert, but estimates top 56 million gallons of drinking water every year.

That’s as much as 670 area families would consume in a year.

Arizona Attorney General Kris Mayes says that this is the result of choices that may come back to haunt the state’s residents in the future.

“We’re going to have to make tough choices in the near future to make sure our state is protected for future generations. Allowing one more data center to come to our state is an easy but stupid decision in a lot of cases.”

Data centers everywhere, particularly ones that fuel AI efforts, are likely going to meet with pushback from environmental groups in the future.

In places like the Sonoran Desert, people will probably have more reason than ever to think AI isn’t a good thing at all.

Three visitors to London climb up the tower that houses Big Ben and decide to have a contest. 

They’re going to throw their watches off the top, run down the stairs and try to catch the watches before they hit the ground. 

The first tourist throws his watch, takes three steps and hears his watch crash. 

The second throws his watch and takes only two steps when he hears his watch shatter. 

The third tosses his watch off the tower, jogs down the stairs, goes to a candy store, buys a snack, walks back to Big Ben and catches his watch.

“How did you do that?” asks one of his friends. 

“My watch is 30 minutes slow.” 

When my daughter was about 6, my sister was baby sitting for the day.

My sister had a soap opera on the TV and during a love scene, my daughter expressed how gross she thought it was that a man and a woman were kissing.

My sister explained that when a man and a woman are in love, kissing is not gross. She then said, “your Mommy and Daddy kiss – they’re in love.”

My daughter’s rebuttal to that was “No they’re not – they’re married!”

A man complaining to a friend: “I had it all – money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman … then … pow! … it was all gone!” 

“What happened?” asked the friend. 

“Ahhhh … my wife found out …” 

Maryland, Baltimore 

It is illegal  to take a lion to the movies. 

Someone in our neighborhood put a huge sofa out by the curb for trash collection. 

Since it was in good shape, many motorists slowed down for a look. But when they saw how enormous it was, they’d leave. 

Eventually a compact car pulled up, and two men got out. 

“This I’ve got to see,” I thought. 

They removed the cushions, turned the sofa upside down, and shook it hard. 

Then they picked up all the coins that tumbled out and drove off.

My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he’d dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. 

I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush.

He held it up and said with a charming little smile, “We better throw this one out too then, ’cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.” 

The Top Ten Things Men Know *FOR SURE* About Women 

1. 

2. 

3. 

4. 

5. 

6. 

7. 

8. 

9.  They have boobs. 

10.  Some have BIG boobs. 

And that’s it for another one my friends.  May God Bless and Keep You until we meet again.

Yeah, I know, it’s a weird header.  My mind was wondering and I was on the phone with a couple of different people while I was working on it and that’s what ended up coming out.  It started out being cute with the two dragons and as I talked with the people the graffiti popped up subconsciously because I was feeling unwanted and put-upon I think. 

LOL!  Self-analyzing a header.  Ain’t that sumpin’ .  Anyway, It’s been a strange day already today.  Things are moving in a weird direction for me, so I want to just jump right into the fun stuff and try and get my mind off the weird stuff.  How does that sound to you guys?

Sherlock Holmes’s sister, Ella, was a bit confused–not that she suffered from dementia or anything–she simply was a bit “blonde.”

She was always getting her two twins confused, even though they were fraternal, not identical, and everyone else could easily tell Patricia from Theresa.

One day Sherlock’s sister invited the great detective and his assistant to a piano recital that Patsy was to give the following evening.

When she left, Sherlock’s assistant said, rather bewilderedly, to Sherlock, “I didn’t know Patsy was studying the piano.”

To which Holmes replied, “Ella meant Terry, my dear Watson.”

One thing Larry says about his wife, she’s a very neat housekeeper.

If he drops his socks on the floor, she picks them up. 

If he throws his clothes around, she hangs them up. 

Larry got up at three o’clock the other morning and went in the kitchen to get a glass of orange juice. 

He came back and found the bed made. 

My mom was that way.  It was ridiculous.  She cleaned the house from top to bottom every single day.  Dusting, vacuuming, I mean everything.  To the point of moving the couch out of the way and vacuuming under it … every … day.  Well, every day until the alcohol took over.  When I came home on leave for the first time, I found myself smoking a LOT more than I was used to because I had no idea how much I WAS smoking because every single time I put a cigarette out in the ashtray she would jump up, take the ashtray into the kitchen and empty it into the garbage can.  How do YOU spell OCD?

A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach. 

As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother’s, and asked her why. 

The mother told her son,  “The bigger they are the dumber that person is.”

Satisfied with the answer, the boy left to play in the ocean, but returned to tell his mother that many of the men have larger “pee-pees” than his dad. 

His mother explained, “The bigger they are the dumber that person is.” 

Again, satisfied with the answer, the boy returned to the ocean to play.

Shortly after, the boy returned again, promptly informing his mother,  “Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks,  the dumber he gets!” 

Yeah, that’s why I just throw the loose items in the cart.  Let the cashier work it out.

 

 

 

Just some random video clips from my last vacation.

The top ten reasons God made women

10.  God worried that Adam would be lost in the Garden of Eden because he wouldn’t ask for directions.
9.  God knew that someday Adam would need someone to hand him the TV remote. (Parenthetically, it has been noted that men don’t want to see what’s ON TV; they want to see WHAT ELSE is on.)
8.  God knew that Adam would never make a doctor’s appointment.
7.  God knew that when Adam’s fig leaf wore out, he would never buy a new one for himself.
6.  God knew that Adam would not remember to take out the garbage.
5.  God wanted man to be fruitful and multiply, but he knew Adam would never be able to handle labor pains and childbirth.
4.  As “keeper of the garden,” Adam would need help in finding his tools.
3.  Adam needed someone to blame for the Apple Incident, and for anything else that was really his fault.  (It really was Adam’s fault)
2.  As the Bible says: “It is not good for man to be alone.”
And the No. 1 reason of all . . .
1.  God stepped back, looked at Adam, and declared: “I can do better than that”

This one was a little further down in the reel above, so if you didn’t scroll like I normally do you would have missed it and it’s GREAT!  Although I think it’s a set up, otherwise, how could the camera have been in just the right spot, but still…

Yup, True statement

I just got skylights put in my place. 

The people who live above me are furious. 

See!  This!  This, right here!  This is why I don’t do plumbing!

And suddenly, there were drums?  How does that make any sense at all?

It will only work once

Maryland Law

Every person who has bowled since 1833 may be fined $2  for each offense. I don’t know…that seems a tad excessive to me.

I just HAVE to wonder how many will get that one.

Yeah, I get it, just about all of my doctors are now younger than I am.

A young private sought permission from his Commanding Officer to leave camp the following weekend. “You see,” he explained, “my wife`s expecting.” 

“Oh…” said the Officer, “I understand. Go ahead and tell your wife that I wish her luck.” 

The following week the same soldier was back again with the same explanation: “My wife`s expecting.” 

The Officer looked surprised. “Still expecting?” he said, “Well, well, my boy, you must be pretty bothered. Of course you can have the week-end off.” 

When the same soldier appeared again the third week, however, the Officer lost his temper. “Don`t tell me your wife is still expecting!” he bellowed. 

“Yes sir!” said the soldier resolutely, “She`s still expecting.” 

“What in heaven is she expecting?” cried the Officer. 

“Me.” said the soldier simply. 

In case you can’t read it:

ORIGINS OF US STATE NAMES
Red is Name of a Monarch or Person
Green is Derived from Native American Name
Blue is Derived from European Words
Yellow is Derived from Names of Other Places
Blue/Green is European modification of native names
Gray is unknown
Purple is Possibly Invented

I took a very classy and absolutely gorgeous lady on our first date the other evening. 

We had dinner at a very nice restaurant and went to a stage show afterwards. 

We were getting along fabulously and as the time came to part I drove her to her house and walked her to her front door.

Being a gentleman I thanked her for her company, saying she was so beautiful she reminded me of a wild rambling rose. She thanked me for the compliment and we parted, but not before we arranged to see each other the following evening. 

I arrived at her house the next evening as arranged, walked to and knocked on her front door. She came to the door, opened it and punched me right in the mouth. 

Somewhat surprised as one would expect, I asked her what had caused her to do that? 

She replied, “After you dropped me home last night I was very flattered by the compliment you gave me and looked up wild rambling rose in my encyclopedia. 

It said that they did not perform well in bed but when tied to a fence or wall, rooted very well.”

Here we go again…I still think that for Indiana, Gnaw Bone or Tin Cup is so much odder than Santa Claus.

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU PICKED THE WRONG INTERNET SERVICE PROVIDER

1. Their company logo: two tin cans and a length of string. 

2. You check out their address, and it’s a phone booth containing a Compaq portable and an acoustic coupler. 

3. Their chief technical officer lives in a 10-foot-by-7-foot shack in the woods. 

4. Their proud boast: “We’ve been on the Internet since it was CB radio.” 

5. Their promo materials use the words “information” and “superhighway” in the same sentence. 

6. You order an SLIP/PPP connection, email, and 2MB of server space for your personal Web site, and the voice on the other end of the phone asks “Would you like fries with that?” 

7. “As seen in Better Business Bureau special reports.”

8. “Access speeds up to 9,600 BPS in most areas.” 

9. They hawk both domain names and Rolexes on street corners. 

10. They charge by the word. 

Faith doesn’t always take you out of the problem,
Faith takes you through the problem.
Faith doesn’t always take away the pain, 
Faith gives you the ability to handle the pain.
Faith doesn’t always take you out of the storm,
Faith calms you in the midst of the storm.

Amen

Our three-year-old daughter, Abby, was having trouble sleeping through the night, waking up because she was afraid. Each time as I re-tucked her into bed, I would remind her that Jesus was with her and he would keep her safe. 

The sleepless nights continued, with Abby seeking comfort in our bedroom. Finally, one night, I asked her if she had prayed for Jesus to take her fear away and help her fall asleep. 

“Oh, yes,” she assured me. “He told me to come and get you!” 

What in hotdog central is that thing?

Can you believe that someone would believe such complete and utter moronic nonsense?  First of all, you can simply look at it and see that it would never fit in a normal…or even abnormal syringe and second, you can plainly see, it’s a valve out of a tire valve stem!!!!  Please people, if you’re going to lie, at LEAST TRY to make it believable!!!!

These are really starting to get out of hand!

One day, an immigrant from Poland entered a New York City Police Precinct to report that his American wife was planning to kill him.

The police officer on duty was intrigued by this, and he asked, “How sure are ya that she is gonna kill ya? Did she threaten to kill ya?”

“No,” replied the nervous immigrant.

“Did ya hear her tell someone else that she’s gonna kill ya?”

“No.”

“Did someone tell ya that your wife is gonna kill ya?”

 “No.”

“Then why in God’s name did ya think she’s gonna kill ya?” asked the exasperated police officer.

“Because I found bottle on dresser and I think she gonna poison me!”

He handed the police officer the suspect bottle. The police officer took one look at the label on the bottle and started to laugh out loud.

The immigrant became indignant and  said, “What’s so funny? Can’t you see the label on bottle says ‘Polish Remover’?”

Sam Gold made an appointment with a urologist, famous for his work in the field of impotence.

The doctor examined him and said, “You’re in remarkably good condition for a man of 85. Why are you here?”

Sam replied, “My friend Max says he has sex twice a week. I can’t do that.”

The doctor shrugged. “Yes you can. You can certainly say you have sex as many times a week as you like.”

And yet another example of why this dragon does NOT plumb.

I love the clips with this lady hearing the jokes!

As any good house should be

And this next one is absolutely wonderful!  The perfect dragon rant, but I didn’t write it!

ARE YOU “GOING GREEN”

Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the much older woman, that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren’t good for the environment.

The woman apologized and explained,
“We didn’t have this ‘green thing’ back in my earlier days.”
The young clerk responded, That’s our problem today. 
Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations.”
 

She was right — our generation didn’t have the ‘green thing’ in our day.

Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles, and beer bottles to the store. 
The store sent them back to the plant to be washed, sterilized, and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over.
So they really were recycled.
 

But we didn’t have the “green thing” back in our day.

Grocery stores bagged our groceries in brown paper bags, that we reused for numerous things, most memorable, besides household garbage bags, was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our school books. 
This was to ensure that public property (the books provided for our use by the school) was not defaced by our scribblings. 
Then we were able to personalize our books on the brown bag.
 

But we didn’t do the “green thing” back then.

We walked up stairs because we didn’t have an escalator in every store and office building. 
We walked to the grocery store and didn’t climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks.
 

But she was right.  We didn’t have the “green thing” in our day.

Back then, we washed the baby’s diapers because we didn’t have the throwaway kind. 
We dried clothes on a line — not in an energy-gobbling machine burning up 220 volts — wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. 
Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.
 

But that young lady is right; we didn’t have the “green thing” back in our day.

Back then we had one TV, or radio, in the house — not a TV in every room. 
And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of  Montana. 
In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn’t have electric machines to do everything for us. 
When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. 
Back then we didn’t fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn.  We used a push mower that ran on human power.
We exercised by working so we didn’t need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.
 

But she’s right; we didn’t have the “green thing” back then. 

We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. 
We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.
 

But we didn’t have the “green thing” back then.

Back then people took the streetcar, or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service in the family’s $45,000 SUV or van, which cost what a whole house did before the “green thing.” 
We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. 
And we didn’t need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space to find the nearest burger joint.
 

But isn’t it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn’t have the “green thing” back then?

 

Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smartass young person…

We don’t like being old in the first place, so it doesn’t take much to piss us off . . . especially from a tattooed, multiple pierced smartass who can’t make change without the cash register telling them how much.  Or reading an analog clock or driving a stick shift or….

A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men and soon, the ship had left port and was streaming out of the channel.

The ensign’s efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way.

The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain.

He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read, “My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules — make sure the Captain is aboard before getting under way.

See, I can never get past 3 or maybe 4

A woman goes to the local psychic in the hope of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic’s eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning. 

Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, “Granddaughter? Are you there?” 

The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, “Grandmother? Is that you?” 

“Yes, granddaughter, it’s me.” 

“It’s really, really you, Grandmother?” the woman repeats.

“Yes, it’s really me, granddaughter.” 

The woman looks puzzled, “You’re sure it’s you, Grandmother?”

“Yes, granddaughter, I’m sure it’s me.” 

The woman pauses a moment and says, “Grandmother, I have just one question for you.” 

“Anything, my child.” 

“Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?” 

See, and that’s why we need adults to be in charge.

George telephoned the FBI and got a special agent on the line.

“What can I do for you, sir,” asked the Fed.

“I’ve been getting threatening letters in the mail,” said George. “That’s against the law, isn’t it?”

“It certainly is,” said the government man. “Do you know who’s been writing them?”

“Yeah,” said George. “My girlfriend’s husband.”

Kinda saw that one coming.  It was either gonna be that or the IRS.

And that’s it my friends.  I had a lot of fun with this one.  I hope you had a lot of fun reading it.  Be well, until we meet again.

I think we should be more concerned with AI.  Microsoft, Google, everyone is trying to force it on us.  Even the writing group I’m thinking of working with is trying to get everyone to use AI for assistance in their writing!  Well, then isn’t that then the computer doing the writing?  Everything that I write comes from my own head and fingers, not from me punching a button and letting a computer write the words.  

And now we’re talking about letting AI make decisions as far as policy and such goes?  I don’t think so.  

The flip side to look at is that Israel has AI to thank (mostly) for their “Iron Shield” which took down the 300+ missiles and drones that Iran launched at them. 

There are positive uses. 

The problem is, there are an AWFUL lot of negative ones and the possibility of harm and evil is WAY too likely…in my opinion.

I’d like to know what you guys think.

In the meantime…

Hey, me too!

Where Did The Phrase Smart Aleck Come From?

One day, a man from the Czech Republic came to visit his friend in New York.  

When asked what he wanted to see, the visitor replied, “I would like to see one of the zoos in America.”

To his delight, the New Yorker took him to the Bronx Zoo.  They were touring the zoo, and standing in front of the gorilla cage, when one of the gorillas busted out of the cage and swallowed the Czech whole.

Shocked, his friend from New York quickly called over the zoo keeper.  He quickly explained the situation and the zoo keeper immediately took steps to save the man’s friend.  The zoo keeper got an axe and asked the man, “Okay, which gorilla did it?  Was it the male or the female?”  The New Yorker pointed out the female as the culprit.  Quickly, the zoo keeper split the female gorilla open and found nothing of the Czech.

He looked at the man from New York, who shrugged and said, “Guess the Czech is in the male.”

On February 2, 1905, American philosopher and writer (Russian-born) Alissa Zinovievna, better known in the literary world as Ayn Rand, was born in St. Petersburg, died in March 1982 in New York.

 

THESE WERE HER WORDS:

When you notice that to produce you need to get permission from those who do not produce anything; when you check that money flows to those who do not deal with goods but with favors; when you realize that many become rich by the bribery and for influence more than by your work and that the laws do not protect you against them, but on the contrary, they are the ones who are protected against you; when you discover that corruption is rewarded and honesty becomes a self-sacrifice, then you can assert, without fear of being wrong, that your society is doomed

Pray for the peace of Jerusalem:
“May those who love you be secure.
May there be peace within your walls
and security within your citadels.”  ~ Psalms 122: 6-7 NIV

Just in case you were wondering what the Bible reference was.  David exhorting visitors to Jerusalem to pray for the city.

That is such a cool picture, especially when you start noticing the details…the clothes (the son has on a pumpkin shirt in both pictures!!) he has a baby blanket under his bottom in both pictures, etc.

This is uncle Ho.  He has a bit of Oriental Dragon in him, as you can readily see.  He works as a chef in a very fine restaurant in New York.  His specialty is Fiery Chicken 

This was sent in by Lynn.  It’s unclear whether it’s her personal story or someone else’s.  Regardless, it’s somebody’s story and it just goes to prove the point we’ve been saying all along.  The whole electric car push is not going to work.

EV

Buy an electric car they say. Get rid of fossil fuel they say. I rented an EV to drive to Rochester. Kid at Enterprise says “you’ll be fine to drive to Rochester and back.”

Got to hotel, it had a charging station, car showed 70 miles left on batteries. Plug car in for $5 and got barely any charge at all. Get up this morning, drive to where I was working, very evident I’m not getting home without having to stop somewhere.

Finish job, time to head towards home…Jump on thruway, they have these fancy new rest stops! I’ll be good! Driving down Thruway and the car tells me hey there’s a charging station coming up! Wahoo!

Get off thruway at one of these fancy new rest stops (that replaced the perfectly fine old rest stops.) Pull up to a bank of 8 EV chargers to plug my car in, I’ll charge up and be on my way! Wrong….none of the plugs fit this car (A Hyundai). Because why would you make all EV plugs universal?!

Get back on thruway with 20 miles left on my “tank” and only 78 miles to go to get to Syracuse. Drive 8 miles to next exit get off thruway drive 10 miles off thruway so I could sit for a half an hour to charge up.

This charging station had more different variations of plugs, this time luckily it had one that fit my car. Not sure what you do after that if it didn’t fit… anyway… Put in $16.33 worth of electricity which got me a “half a tank”.

Pulled into the airport with 30 miles left on my batteries. Yeah I’ll run right out and buy one!

 No wonder no one wants all the EV trucks that are sitting on lots everywhere. Moral of story. Every single gas pump nozzle in America fits in my gas tank.

And if my VERY rough estimates on costs are anywhere NEAR correct, the author was paying about 18¢ a mile for electricity, where I pay roughly 14¢ a mile in my beat up 11 year-old Equinox.  I could be very wrong and the author could have made many more trips. 

Okay, so I thought…if there was only some place I could go and look this information up…as I type on my laptop that is connected to the internet … some place where information like that is readily available … Yeah, I’m a little tired this morning.  So, my figures above must be wrong because everything I checked online says that EV cost per mile is about 3 to 5 cents and my gasoline price was dead on.

It had been predicted!!!

From the book Dumbing Down Our Kids, by Charles J. Sykes, 1995 (almost 30 years ago), and is directed at high school and college graduates.

Rule 1:
Life is not fair – get used to it.  (I have been preaching this one for longer than that!)

Rule 2:
The world won’t care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3:
You will NOT make $40,000 a year right out of high school. You won’t be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.  (As an E-1 in the Air Force, I made $5,000 a year right out of high school!)

Rule 4:
If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. (Try a Drill Sergeant!)

Rule 5:
Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping – they called it opportunity.  (Nothing is beneath your dignity when you are providing for your family)

Rule 6:
If you mess up, it’s not your parents’ fault, so don’t whine about your mistakes, learn from them.  (Take responsibility)

Rule 7:
Before you were born, your parents weren’t as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you are. So before you save the rainforest from the parasites of your parents’ generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8:
Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life has not. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades, and they’ll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This doesn’t bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9:
Life is not divided into semesters. You don’t get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time!

Rule 10:
Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11:
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you’ll end up working for one.

Indiana, Evansville  Law

While driving on Main Street you may not have your lights on.

That is an awesome picture in so many ways!

I wonder what they are doing now?

It should

These next ones are from Joe in NJ.  Most of them, as the Old E indicates, are oldies. And you’ll notice right off that I don’t say that they are oldies, but goodies.  And you’ll also notice right off that I am quick to blame them on Joe from NJ.

 

QUICKIES

1. A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

2. What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway.)

3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In democracy, it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism, it’s your count that votes.

6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

8. If you don’t pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

9. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I’ll show you A flat minor.

11. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

16. He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

17. Every calendar’s days are numbered.

18. A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.

19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

20. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

22. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

24. Once you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.

25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.

27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to- know basis.

28. Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

31. The poor guy fell into a glass grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.

32. Hear about the man who ran into a screen door and strained himself.

I really love that one.  It’s so simple and elegant.

There was once a sheep farmer who needed help with the difficult task of castrating some of his inferior male sheep to keep them from breeding with the females. He hired a French guy who didn’t speak English, but was a very good worker.

After the first day, they had successfully castrated 14 sheep and his French worker was just about to throw away the parts, but the sheep farmer yelled, “No! Don’t throw those away! My wife fries them up and we eat them. They’re delicious and we call them ‘sheep fries’.”

Later that day, the French hired hand came in for supper and indeed, the ‘sheep fries’ were tasty.

The next day, they castrated 16 sheep, and the following evening they all settled down to another supper of ‘sheep fries’. The third day, however, when the sheep farmer came home, he asked his wife where the French hired hand was.

She said, “You know, it was the weirdest thing! I told him since there weren’t very many ‘sheep fries’ this evening, we were also going to have French fries. Then he screamed and ran like hell.”

Doesn’t coffee look expensive to you?

Sheldon, a butcher just out of trade school in Canada applies for and gets a job, skinning and cutting up the kills of local hunters.

The first project he gets is to cut up a moose to put in the freezer.

Sheldon finally gets the moose cut up and is putting it into bags and marking them carefully with the contents: chops, rump steak, ribs, sirloin, etc, etc. When he finishes with the stuff he knows, he is still left with a pile of unidentifiable moose parts.

At a loss as to what to do with them, he finally puts them all into one large bag and labels them… “Moosellaneous.”

I was sitting around yesterday at lunch, with a few of my co-workers, when the subject of (what else,) sex came up. 

Now Billy-Bob (he runs the fork lift) says “Last night I made love to my wife three times!  

This morning, she was so happy she made me my favorite breakfast of eggs and grits.” 

Now Jim-Bob, (the fertilizer inspector) not to be outdone by his cousin Billy-Bob, he says, “That’s nothing.  

Last night I made love to my wife five times.  She was so happy, she not only made me my favorite breakfast of biscuits and gravy, she told me I was the best in the world and she could never love another man.” 

Well, they then looked at me, waiting for me to say something. 

Finally, I just said in a quiet voice, “I just made love to my wife once last night, and she didn’t fix me anything for breakfast.” 

Well, they started laughing, and finally Jim-Bob asks me, “Well, hell, did she say anything to you this morning?” 

“Just two words,” I answered. “Don’t stop”

What a GREAT picture!!! Once there, always there!!

From Joe in NJ, 40 Random and Amazing Historical Photographs!  Some of them are pretty cool.  All of them are kind of esoteric.  

You know I laughed at that one and then thought about it and realized how much truth there is in it.

Faith is believing what we do not see. The reward of this faith is to see what we believe.

-St. Augustine (birth unknown, died c. 604)

I wonder how many won’t get that one

’bout right

So when Trump takes out a loan and pays it back with interest it’s a crime, but when you take out a student loan and don’t pay it back, the Biden forgives the loan, steals money from the taxpayers to pay it back it’s not a crime.  Sure, that makes perfect sense to me.

What?!?!

Biden fired over 7,000 military men because they refused the (so-called) vaccine…then proceeded to bring 10 million unvetted, unchecked, unvaccinated illegal alien strangers into our country and spread them to all 50 states.  What a hypocritical, lying piece of garbage.

Imagine we lived in a world where all the cars we ever had were EVs.  And then suddenly, along comes a new invention, the “Internal Combustion Engine!”
Think how well they would sell!
A vehicle half the weight, half the price, that will do almost a quarter of the damage to the road.  A vehicle that can be refuelled in 1/10th of the time and has a range of up to 4 times the distance in all weather conditions.  It does not rely on the environmentally damaging use of non-renewable rare earth elements to power it, and uses far less steel and other materials.

Just think how excited people would be for such technology!  It would sell like hot cakes!

Okay, I have to get this off my chest.  I know it’s an election year.  And I know I’m a generous Dragon, at least I try to be, and for some worthy causes that I believe in, (most of them involving wounded, disabled, homeless or dead Veterans or the families thereof and children that can’t help themselves and a couple of pet charities of my own) I don’t mind getting mailings asking me for money.  I do NOT give to political candidates as a rule.  Mostly because I haven’t found one yet that is worth giving to.  Here lately I have gotten a TON of “Surveys” from this Republican Group or that Republican Organization.  All of them say basically the same thing and all of them ask the same identical, asinine, childish, sixth-grade questions that you have to be an absolute MORON to say no to.  [Although I will say that I did get one today that out of the standard 20 questions this one today DID have one new question on abortion that I didn’t expect since that is usually such a hot button for so many people].  The questions are always like:  Do you agree that it is the responsibility for all the Congressman to make balancing the budget and lowering taxes a high priority?  And then the three choices are:  Yes, I agree, No, I disagree, or I don’t know.

Come on!  Really?  ISN’T THAT ACTUALLY IN YOUR JOB DESCRIPTION???? 

Or another question is:  Please pick the top 10 things you are most concerned about so we know what we should be concentrating on.  And then there are only like 13 choices and at least one of them is way out in left field.  The equivalent of “baking cookies”. 

And it’s all a lead in to making you feel bad if you don’t give them money.  It’s obvious that they couldn’t care less about your answers, because if they did, they’d ask REAL HONEST SERIOUS QUESTIONS.  Not stupid, moronic questions that a 4th grader could tell you what the answer is without even knowing what the real problems are anyway!  Which just goes to show how stupid they really think we are.  

And we must be because it must work because if it didn’t work they wouldn’t keep doing it.  So, someone is sending them a boatload of money.  They have these great little blanks:  Yes Charles, I can send you:  $10,000 ___, $5,000 ___, $2,500___, $1,000___, $750___, $500 🙂 ___, (that was supposed to be a smiley face next to the $500 like that’s the sweet spot or something) and they keep going all the way down to $34 ___ (and they throw in the little jab) that’s just $1 for each of our Republican Congressman who’s up for election this year (with the implication being your a cheap bastard at that amount) and the final block of: or my best gift of: $___.

Come on!  There’s more psychology involved in those last couple of paragraphs then in the rest of the whole mailing combined!

I swear, if I had one candidate who wrote to me and said, “Look.  Yeah, I need your money, but that’s not why I’m writing.  I’m not sending you a premade form or anything else.  I’m just hoping that you’ll write back to me and tell me, in your own words, what it is that’s got you concerned.  Here’s what I’m concerned about and what I’m planning on working on if I’m elected.  But I’m here to represent you, so I’m really going to need to know what YOU’RE concerned about.  Won’t you write back to me and let me know, in your own words, what you’re worried about and what you think I can do to help.  Even better I’m going to be at this meeting hall on this date and we can sit and talk and ask questions for as long as you’d like.  There’ll be coffee and maybe some donuts or something and we can talk and ask questions all night if that’s what it takes.  I think if he or she were honest about it and meant it, I’d vote for that person in a heartbeat.  But when you make it so patently obvious that all you are really after is my money and couldn’t care less what I really need.  I ain’t got time for you.

Alright, I’ve been thinking about that all day, so now, back to the show…

Surround yourself with people who fight for you in rooms you aren’t in.

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.

Smiling sweetly the teacher said, “When I was a child, I was told if I made ugly faces I would stay like that.”

The student looked up and replied, “Well you can’t say you weren’t warned.”

SHE WAS SO BLONDE THAT SHE……

1. Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.

2. Couldn’t learn to water ski because she couldn’t find a lake with a slope.

3. Can’t work in a pharmacy because the bottles won’t fit into the typewriter.

4. Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said “2 to 4 years”.

5. Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.

6. Couldn’t call 911because there was no 11 on any phone button.

7. When asked what the capital of California was, she answered “C.”

8. Burnt her nose bobbing for French Fries.

9. Baked a turkey for 5 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.

10. Can’t make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won’t fit into those little packets.

11. Hates M&M’s because they are so hard to peel.

12. Got hurt while raking leaves; fell out of the tree.

13. Changes the baby’s diaper only once a month because the label said “good up to 20 pounds.”

14. After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.

A funny story circulated recently about Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, creator of the fictional detective Sherlock Holmes.

Doyle evidently told of a time when he climbed into a taxi cab in Paris. Before he could utter a word, the driver turned to him and asked, ‘Where can I take you, Mr. Doyle?’

Doyle was flabbergasted. He asked the driver if he had ever seen him before.

‘No, sir,’ the driver responded, ‘I have never seen you before.’

Then he explained: ‘This morning’s paper had a story about you being on vacation in Marseilles.

This is the taxi stand where people who return from Marseilles always come to. Your skin color tells me you have been on vacation.

The ink- spot on your right index finger suggests to me that you are a writer.

Your clothing is very English, and not French. Adding up all those pieces of information, I deduced that you are Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.’

‘This is truly amazing!’ the writer exclaimed. ‘You are a real-life counter-part to my fictional creation, Sherlock Holmes!’

‘There is one other thing,’ the driver said.

‘What is that?’

‘Your name is on the front of your suitcase.’

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his boots? 

He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn’t want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. 

She almost whimpered when the little boy said, “Teacher, they’re on the wrong feet.”  

She looked and sure enough, they were.  It wasn’t any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on.

She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on — this time on the right feet. 

He then announced, “These aren’t my boots.” 

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, “Why didn’t you say so?” like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off. 

He then said, “They’re my brother’s boots. My Mom made me wear them.” 

She didn’t know if she should laugh or cry.  She mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

She said, “Now, where are your mittens?” 

He said, “I stuffed them in the toes of my boots…” 

Her trial starts next week. 

One night, Tim was walking home when, all of a sudden, a thief jumped on him.

Tim and the thief were began to wrestle. They rolled about on the ground and Tim put up a tremendous fight. However, the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the ground.

The thief then went through Tim’s pockets and searched him. All the thief could find on Tim was 25 cents.

The thief was so surprised at this that he asked Tim why he had bothered to fight so hard for 25 cents?

“Was that all you wanted?” Tim replied, “I thought you were after the five hundred dollars I’ve got in my shoe!”

Top 5 reasons why computers must be female

5. No one but their creator understands their logic.

4. Even the smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.

3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

2. The message, “Bad command or filename,” is about as informative as “If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you.”

1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

 

Top 5 reasons why computers must be male

5. They’re heavily dependent on external tools and equipment.

4. They periodically cut you off right when you think you’ve established a network connection.

3. They’ll usually do what you ask them to do, but they won’t do more than they have to and they won’t think of it on their own.

2. They’re typically obsolete within five years and need to be traded in for a new model. Some users, however, feel they’ve already invested so much in the damn machine that they’re compelled to remain with an underpowered system.

1. They get hot when you turn them on, and that’s the only time you have their attention.

Maine, Freeport Law

Mercury thermometers may not be sold in the city

And that’s it, my friends.  Until next time.