The Coke header is there for a reason! See, I had been taking this medicine that makes all carbonated beverages taste like metal. Well, my doctor allowed me to come off that medicine because the reason I was taking it is no longer valid. (That’s a long story we’re not going to get into.) So I haven’t had a diet Coke in like 10 years…or MORE! Well, I’ve had two of them over the last two days. Man, I’ve missed these. LOL.
But, enough about me. Let’s talk about laffs!
A 75 year old man goes in for his physical. After running a few tests, the doctor looks over his chart, smiles, and says, “Well, everything looks fantastic! Your blood pressure is great, your heart is strong, and you’re in excellent shape, even for a man half your age. Out of curiosity, what’s your secret? How do you stay so healthy?”
The man grins and says, “It’s simple, Doc. I attribute it all to my outdoor lifestyle. My wife and I made a solemn vow when we got married forty years ago: whenever we get into an argument, whoever turns out to be wrong has to go outside and walk five miles.”
The doctor laughs. “That’s a clever agreement! But how does that explain your great health?”
The man looks the doctor dead in the eye and says:
“Doc, I’ve been living outdoors for forty years.”
Damn! I think I married her, once.
I notice you CHANGED it to Bob.
Louisiana, New Orleans
Snakes are not allowed within 200 yards of the Mardi Gras parade route
OH PLEASE! We have no idea how good we have it here in America. I don’t care what color you are! If you don’t like your circumstances, stop being a whinny little baby and do something to change them. Grow up, act like adults and stopping blaming all your problems on someone or something else. Take responsibility for yourself. In other words, GROW UP!
A visitor to Israel attended a recital and concert at the Moscovitz Auditorium.
He was quite impressed with the architecture and the acoustics.
He inquired of the tour guide, “Is this magnificent auditorium named after Chaim Moscovitz, the famous Talmudic scholar?”
“No,” replied the guide. “It is named after Sam Moscovitz, the writer.”
“Never heard of him. What did he write?”
“A cheque”, replied the guide.
Joe sent us a little letter about his family…
Impish,
My grandfather did not believe in eating bananas.
He said that by the time you skinned it and threw
the bone away, you didn’t have anything left!
I don’t know why we are here, but I’m pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.
– Ludwig Wittgenstein (1889-1951)
One of the greatest oldies I’ve ever read. I like to repeat this one every time it comes around. Thanks, Joe!
Dear Sir;
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put “Poor Planning” as the cause of my accident. You asked for a more complete explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later, were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out, and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions, and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident reporting form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.
At approximately the same time however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.
I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.
And that’s it for this one. I hope you enjoyed this as much as I did. Until next time.
