Good Morning Campers!
I hope everyone is doing well. Seems as though we are now through with the earthquake…at least for now. It’s been 24 hours plus since the quake hit yesterday and there have been no aftershocks. This may still be a precursor to something worse, but if so, the odds go down after 24 hours and just about even out after 48. Although my dog is still acting stupid, it could just be that she is still freaked out over yesterday and not that something is still going to happen. But, I will keep you in the loop.
I want to tell you about the greatest gift I’ve ever gotten….okay, so the greatest gift I’ve ever gotten from Santa. I’ve been given better gifts, but they have been from real people. Anyway, this is a Hamilton Beach Brew Station. And just as they advertise, the last cup, 4 hours after the pot has been made, is as good as the first, fresh cup. It is truly amazing! And I’m not trying to sell any of these things or anything like that, but if you are a coffee lover, like we are here at Dragon Laffs then this comes highly recommended. Santa brought mine, so I can’t give you any idea of pricing or anything, but Amazon.com has them for about $50. Now, if you’re like me, you bought the lousy Dollar General $10 coffee pots because your water is so crappy you end up throwing them out when they get to the point that it takes to the afternoon before the coffee is actually done. Well, if you got a new one every couple of months, this one pays for itself in less than a year.
But that’s just me.
What do you say we go ahead and laugh now? Sound good to you? Yeah, I thought so.
This guy comes home dead tired from working a twelve-hour shift and collapses into bed. He’s just about asleep when his wife rolls over and says, “What would you do if I told you that you had a beautiful, sexy, horny woman lying next to you?”
He replied, “Don’t worry honey, I’d stay faithful.”
During basic army training, a sergeant was telling his group how a submachine gun sprayed bullets. He drew a circle on a blackboard and announced that it had 260º.
“But, sergeant, all circles have 360º to them,” remarked one of the trainees.
“Don’t be stupid,” the sergeant roared. “This is a small circle!”
“So,” jealous Judy asked the detective she had hired, “did you trail my husband?”
“Yes ma’am. I did. I followed him to a bar, then to a restaurant and then to a house.”
A big smile crossed Judy’s face,”Aha!! Then I’ve got him!” she said, gloating.” Is there any doubt what he was doing?”
“No ma’am.” replied the sleuth, “It’s pretty clear that he was following you and taking pictures of you and this other man having sex. By the way, nude pictures of you are all over the Internet.”
A single girl who worked in a busy office arrived one morning and began passing out big cigars and candy, both tied with blue ribbons.
When asked what the occasion was, she proudly displayed a new diamond solitaire ring on her third finger, left hand, and announced, “It’s a boy, six feet tall and 190 pounds!”
A young couple were married and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long. Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom.
When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his un-aroused body for the first time to his bride. Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared and she asked shyly, “What’s that?” pointing to a small part of his anatomy.
He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, “Well, that’s what we had so much fun with last night.”
And she, in amazement, asked, “Is that all we have left?”
Sister Margaret had been a Nun all her life. Then she was called to her reward. As she approached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter said, “Hold on, Sister Margaret; not so fast!”
“But I have been good all my life and dedicated to the work of the Lord from the time I was taken in as an infant by the sisters at the Convent to my dying breath. I have lived for this moment!” Sister Margaret exclaimed in disbelief.
“That is just the problem,” replied St. Peter. “You never learned right from wrong and, to get into Heaven, you must know the difference between right and wrong.
“Well, what can I do? I will do anything to get into Heaven!” Sister Margaret pleaded.
“I am going to have to send you back down to Earth. When you get there I want you to smoke a cigarette and call me when you are finished. We will discuss your situation then,” ordered St. Peter.
Sister Margaret returned to Earth, smoked a Camel, and then immediately called St. Peter, coughing and hacking. “Saint Peter” she gasped, “I can hardly breathe, my mouth tastes terrible, my breath stinks, I feel dizzy, and I think I am going to throw up.”
“Good!” replied the old Saint. “Now you are finally getting a feel for right and wrong. Now go out tonight and drink some hard liquor and call me when you are ready.”
Sister Margaret phoned St. Peter immediately after having several belts of Jack Daniel’s. “Saint Peter…….I feel woozy. That vile liquor burned my throat and nauseated me. It is all I can do to keep it down.”
“Good, good! Now you are starting to see the difference between right and wrong,” said St. Peter with delight. “Tomorrow I want you to seek out a man and know him in the Biblical sense. You know, Have sex with him and afterward, call me.”
Two weeks passed before Sister Margaret called St. Peter and left a message: “Yo, Pete, It’s Peggy………It’s gonna be a while!”
An out-of-towner becomes friendly with Thelma, the waitress in his hotel coffee shop, and invites her up to his room.
She is indignant.
The guy says, “Don’t get excited. This is all in the Bible.”
Thelma is appeased, and after her shift they go out and have a few drinks. Again the man invites her up to his room, and again she is angry.
The man explains, “It’s in the Bible.”
An hour later they’re in the guy’s hotel room and he suggests they undress and have some fun. He assures Thelma that it isn’t sinful since it’s in the Bible.
“Where?” she says. “Where does it say that?”
Taking the Bible from the hotel nightstand, he opens it to the front cover where someone has written, “Thelma the waitress is a great lay.”
A bloke and his wife went to a family planning clinic. “We’ve been married for ten years and we’ve got no kids,” said the husband.
‘And the next-door neighbors say it’s because we’re stupid.’
“Nonsense,” smiled the doctor. “It’s probably to do with your diet. Or it might be a question of timing. How many times a week do you do it?”
“Do what?” asked the wife.
There was a young fellow named Simon,
Who tried to discover a hymen.
But he found every girl
Had relinquished her pearl
In exchange for a solitaire diamond.
There was a young lady from Wheeling
Who professed to no sexual feeling.
‘Til a cynic named Boris
Just touched her clitoris,
And she had to be scraped off the ceiling!
A guy complains to his doctor that his sex life is deteriorating rapidly. The doctor tells him he needs to reintroduce excitement, guilt and so on into the process. He ponders this for a few days and hatches a plan.
“Well,” he says to the doctor a week later, “I did everything you suggested. The boss let me leave work an hour early. I sped home and I skidded all the way up the driveway. I slammed open the door, charged into the house and found Sheila in the living room. I stripped her naked and we went to it on the coffee table.”
“And did you enjoy it?” asked the doctor enthusiastically.
“Well,” says the guy slowly and thoughtfully, “Somewhat, but the Bible study group thought it was really neat.”
I recently saw a condom machine in a toilet, which had a “Tested to British Safety Standards” sign on it. Underneath someone had scrawled: “So was the Titanic.”
You gotta love this guy! He’s 102 years old when he does this. May I look as good at 102 as he does!
Hey all you campers…here’s 16 steps to building a successful campfire, by our own expert camper, K²
1. Split dead limb into fragments and shave one fragment into slivers.
2. Bandage left thumb.
3. Chop other fragments into smaller fragments
4. Bandage left foot.
5. Make structure of slivers (include those embedded in hand).
6. Light Match.
7. Light Match.
8. Repeat “a Scout is cheerful” and light match.
9. Apply match to slivers, add wood fragments, and blow gently into base of fire.
10. Apply burn ointment to nose.
11. When fire is burning, collect more wood.
12. Upon discovering that fire has gone out while out searching for more wood, soak wood from can labeled “kerosene.”
13. Treat face and arms for second-degree burns.
14. Re-label can to read “gasoline.”
15. When fire is burning well, add all remaining firewood.
16. When thunder storm has passed, repeat steps 1-15.
Two friends were at a bar discussing life and love. One said, “Would you believe that out of all the women I’ve been with not a one of them was a virgin? It’d be nice if girls saved themselves for marriage. I think it would cure a big part of the huge divorce crisis we have.”
“Yeah, Jim, I hear you,” said the other. “Out of all the women I’ve been with I’ve only had two virgins myself; my wife and yours.”
Sent in by the esteemed Mr. Lethal Leprechaun. He made me promise I would print the next story he sent in and then sends in a story about me. Nice guy:
Impish was in front of me coming out of church one day, and as always, the preacher was standing at the front door shaking hands as the congregation departed. He grabbed Impish by the arm and pulled him aside. Then the preacher said to him, “You need to join the Army of the Lord.”
Impish replied, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, Preacher.”
The Preacher questioned Impish, “Well then why don’t I ever see you except on Christmas and Easter?”
Impish leaned in and whispered back, “I’m in the Secret Service.”