Dragon Laffs #1150


So, you can either take this as being very late for Wednesday or very early for Thursday.  I don’t suppose it matters that much.  I am enjoying my time off (as you can probably tell from the lack of Dragon Laffs coming out) but I am also running very low on material.  I have lots and lots of pictures and cartoons, but jokes are becoming very rare.  You can submit jokes, articles, cartoons, pictures, etc at this address:
DragonLaffs-owner@yahoogroups.com
Remember the guidelines.
#1 It has to be funny, or poignant, or topical or important
#2 It has to either be new (to us) or a golden oldie
#3 If it’s commentary (yours or someone else’s) it has to be well written and not just finger-pointing and name calling.
And that’s about it!  If you want to share it, then send it in.  If we don’t use it, don’t feel bad; it may just not fit in, we may have already run it or something similar or it may just not be our cup-of-tea.  Sometimes we give credit for a piece and sometimes we don’t, believe it or not, it is a matter of convenience and storage more than anything else.  We don’t usually give credit for pictures because we are so far ahead they are stored numerically until we use them and it’s hard to remember who sent in what.  If you have something for the Last Word we almost always give credit for that.
If you simply have to have credit given for a certain piece, please let us know and we will do what we can, but if it’s too much of a pain-in-the-arse we may just decide not to use it.
Also, please don’t claim something is yours when it isn’t. 

That’s it for now, let’s go laugh!

890

Tests of the English Majors
I got 10 out of 12 or 83%.  So, what is that, a B? Sheesh!

Attempt to translate these verbose and hyperbolic presentments of catholic usage into more simplistic linguistics for universal comprehension—

1. Scintillate, Scintillate, asteroid exiguous.
2. Members of an avian species of identical plumage congregate.
3. Surveillance should precede salutations.
4. Pulchritude poses possesses solely cutaneous profundity.
5. It is fruitless to become lachrymose over precipitately departed lacteal fluid.
6. Freedom from incrustations of grime is contiguous to rectitude.
7. The stylus is more potent then the claymore.
8. It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with innovative maneuvers.
9. Eschew the implement of correction of vitiate the scion.
10. The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly ogled saucepan does not does reach 212 F’.
11. All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.
12. Where there are visible vapors in ignited carbonaceous material, there is conflagration.

The Answers are below Down2

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Answers to the English Major Quiz

Answers:cute dog and cat

1. Twinkle, twinkle, little star.
2. Birds of a feather, flock together.
3. Think before you speak.
4. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
5. Don’t cry over spilled milk.
6. Cleanliness is next to godliness.
7. The pen is mightier than the sword.
8. You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.
9. Spare the rod and spoil the child.
10. A watched pot doesn’t boil.
11. All that glitters is not gold.
12. Where there’s smoke, there’s fire.

891

What an excellent idea!
Truly, you could spend a lot of time here!
http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Uncyclopedia:About

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313

How To Install Software – A 12 Step Program
–author anonymous

1. Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed box
  That explains what kind of computer system you need to run the software.
  It should look something like this:

       SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS
       ——————-
       2386 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER
       628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM
       719.7 MB FREE DISK SPACE
       3546 MB RAM
       432323 MB ROM
       05948737 MB RPM
       ANTILOCK BRAKING SYSTEM
       2 TURTLE DOVES
       NOTE: This software will not work on your computer.

2. Open the software packaging and remove the manual.  This will contain
  Detailed instructions on installing, operating, and troubleshooting the
  Software.  Throw it away.

3. Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a
   3.5-inch  floppy diskette or a CD-ROM, located inside a sealed envelope that says:

       LICENSING AGREEMENT
       ——————-
       By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to abide by all
       The terms and conditions of the following agreement that nobody ever
       Reads, as well as the Geneva Convention and the UN Charter and the
       Secret Membership Oath of the Benevolent Protective Order of the Elks
       And such other terms and conditions, real and imaginary, as the
       Software Company shall deem necessary and appropriate, including the
       Right to come to the user’s home and examine the user’s hard drive, as
       Well as the user’s underwear drawer if we feel like it, take it or
       Leave it, until death do us part, one nation indivisible by the dawn’s
       Early light,… Finders keepers, losers weepers, …

4. Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say, “(Name of child),
  Please install this on my computer.”

5. If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software in the
  Appropriate drive, type SETUP” and press the Enter key.

6. Turn the computer on, you idiot.

7. Once again type “SETUP” and press the Enter key.

8. You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a while, after which the
  Following message should appear on your screen:

       The Installation Program will now examine your system to see what
       Would be the best way to render it inoperable. Is it OK with you?
       Choose one, and be honest:

                        +—–+     +——+
                        | YES |     | SURE |
                        +—–+     +——+

9. After you make your selection, you will hear grinding and whirring for a
  Very long time while the installation program does who knows what in there.
  Some installation programs can actually alter molecular structures, so that
  When they’re done, your computer has been transformed into an entirely new
  Device, such as a food processor.  At the very least, the installation
  Program will create many new directories, sub-directories, and
  Sub-sub-directories on your hard drive and fill them with thousands of
  Mysterious files with names like “puree.exe,” “fester.dat,” and “doo.wha..”

10. When the installation program is finished, your screen should display
The following message:

       CONGRATULATIONS!
       The installation program cannot think of anything else to do to your
       Computer and has grown bored. You may now attempt to run your software.
       If you experience any problems, electrical shocks, insomnia, shortness
       Of breath, nasal discharge, or intestinal parasites, you should
       Immediately
*!@!$)$%@&*^^)$*!#$_$*

11. At this point your computer system should become less functional than the
   Federal government, refusing to respond even when struck with furniture.

12. Call the toll-free Tech Support Hotline number listed on the package and
   Wait on the line for a representative, who will explain to you, in a clear,
   Step-by-step manner, how to adopt a child aged 3 through 12.

 

892

New Year’s Cats Singing
http://llerrah.com/newyearcats.htm 

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a55

What an unbelievable guy! Love his comment in the middle. Listen for it, you’ll know it when you hear it.

 

893

groan2

Oh good lord, now Stephanie is getting in on the Groaners!  Will it never end!

Q.  What do you get when you cross a Jehovah’s Witness with an Atheist?

A.  Someone who knocks on your door for no apparent reason.

Kidding

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Gives us just another reason to be proud to be a Veteran!AF-PROUD Thanks for sharing this one, Dad!

A Great Golf Story
To my golfing friends, Hope you take the time to watch this video and especially this time of year reflect on what we have and what many have given for us.

The next time you carve a tee shot out of bounds, miss a 3 foot birdie putt, chunk your second shot into a water hazard, 3 putt a green, chili-dip a flop shot into a bunker or skull a wedge 20 yards over a green – kind of like my normal round…. I think we might  want to take a deep breath and thank God we have what we have.


 

Donate322222222

If you keep watching, it goes through a bunch of them with the same characters:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XChgJoQz8pY&list=PLAE907EE915CF720E&index=33&playnext=2

 

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k7

“When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, “Why, God? Why me?” and the thundering voice
of God answered, “There’s just something about you that pisses me off.”

893

So Simple a caveman could understand:

 

Why did Bernie Madoff go to prison? To make it simple, he talked people into investing with him. Trouble was, he didn’t invest their money.  As time rolled on he simply took the money from the new investors to pay off the old investors.  Finally there were too many old investors and not enough money from new investors coming in to keep the payments going.
Next thing you know, Madoff is one of the most hated men in  America  and he is off to jail.  Some of you know this, but not enough of you.

 

Madoff did to his investors what the Congress has been doing to us for over 70 years with Social Security.  There is no meaningful difference between the two schemes, except that one was operated by a private individual who is now in jail, and the other is operated by politicians who enjoy perks, privileges and status in spite of their actions..

 

 Do you need a side-by-side comparison here?  Well here’s a nifty little chart.
 
 
 
 
 

BERNIE MADOFF
SOCIAL SECURITY
Takes money from investors with the promise that the money will be invested and made available to them later.
Takes money from wage earners with the promise that the money will be invested in a “Trust Fund” and made available later.
Instead of investing the money Madoff spends it on nice homes in the Hamptons and yachts.
Instead of depositing money in a Trust Fund the politicians use it for general spending and vote buying.
When the time comes to pay the investors back Madoff simply uses some of the new funds from newer investors to pay back the older investors.
When benefits for older investors become due the politicians pay them with money taken from younger and newer wage earners to pay the geezers.
When Madoff’s scheme is discovered all hell breaks loose. New investors won’t give him any more cash.
When Social Security runs out of money they simply force the taxpayers to send them some more.
Bernie Madoff is in jail.
Politicians remain in  Washington  .

‘The taxpayer: That’s someone who works for the federal government but doesn’t have to take the civil service examination. ‘ – Ronald Reagan

  “If you put the federal government in charge of the  Sahara   Desert , in five years there’d be a shortage of sand.”      Milton Friedman

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Competition

forclosure

Game over

Safe Hand-starting Procedures for Propeller-driven aircraft 

 

Study yhe photo carefully   Can you tell what’s the glaring safety hazard displayed here?
1

Yep, I guess you also spotted the glaring mistake…

One should never ever prop-start an aircraft without

first chocking the wheels!

I’m sure that was the first thing that caught your eye —

just like it did mine…

Safety First — always!


 

894

This is “RiverDance” with boots and rifles!  I can’t remember ever seeing a display of precision to beat this!!  All the precision drill is being performed on ICE!!
 
Those are US made Garand M-1 rifles (WWII), and they are heavy weapons (9 POUNDS EACH).


When that one fellow goes on his own – YOU’VE NEVER SEEN A RIFLE SPUN THAT FAST!


  Unbelievable!!!


 

 

Great Storms
storms2
One of the way cool things in my line of work is the pictures that I get sent and get to deal with.  Some of these storms are so fantastic, it’s impossible to imagine the forces and power involved.  As many of you know, one of my personal goals in life is to photograph a tornado, my little brother has worked as a storm chaser and I envy him a lot because of that.  I will let you guys know if I ever achieve that goal, but in the meantime, I generally carry a camera with me wherever I go since you never know when you are going to see something worth taking a picture of.

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Today’s Last Word is from our dear camper friend George.  He hits it pretty well on the head here with something that we here at DL Enterprises have been saying for some time now.  Please take a minute to read this and think about what is being said:

Will someone please tell me what the HELL’s wrong with
all the people that run this country!!!!!!!  
 
 
We’re “broke” & can’t help our own Seniors, Veterans, Orphans, Homeless etc.,?????????

In the last months we have provided aid to Haiti , Chile , and Turkey .  And now Pakistan …..home of bin Laden.  Literally, BILLIONS of DOLLARS !!

Our retired seniors living on a ‘fixed income’
receive no aid nor do they get any breaks while our
government and religious organizations pour
Hundreds of Billions of $$$$$’s and Tons of Food to Foreign Countries!

We have hundreds of adoptable children who are shoved aside to make room for the adoption of foreign orphans.

AMERICA: a country where we have homeless without shelter,  children going to bed hungry,
elderly going without ‘needed’ meds, and
mentally ill without treatment -etc,etc.

YET…………………
They have a ‘Benefit’ for the people of Haiti
 on 12 TV stations, ships and planes lining up with food, water, tents clothes, bedding, doctors and medical supplies. 

Imagine if the *GOVERNMENT*  gave ‘US’
the same support they give to other
countries.
 

Sad isn’t it?

99% of people won’t have the guts to forward  this.
I’m one of the 1% — I Just Did

And so are we, George!

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2 Responses to Dragon Laffs #1150

  1. Dale says:

    I love your idea of 365 photos….looking forward to seeing them this year.

  2. lynn fux says:

    Amen George,Amen!!!!!!

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