So, you can either take this as being very late for Wednesday or very early for Thursday. I don’t suppose it matters that much. I am enjoying my time off (as you can probably tell from the lack of Dragon Laffs coming out) but I am also running very low on material. I have lots and lots of pictures and cartoons, but jokes are becoming very rare. You can submit jokes, articles, cartoons, pictures, etc at this address:
Remember the guidelines.
#1 It has to be funny, or poignant, or topical or important
#2 It has to either be new (to us) or a golden oldie
#3 If it’s commentary (yours or someone else’s) it has to be well written and not just finger-pointing and name calling.
And that’s about it! If you want to share it, then send it in. If we don’t use it, don’t feel bad; it may just not fit in, we may have already run it or something similar or it may just not be our cup-of-tea. Sometimes we give credit for a piece and sometimes we don’t, believe it or not, it is a matter of convenience and storage more than anything else. We don’t usually give credit for pictures because we are so far ahead they are stored numerically until we use them and it’s hard to remember who sent in what. If you have something for the Last Word we almost always give credit for that.
If you simply have to have credit given for a certain piece, please let us know and we will do what we can, but if it’s too much of a pain-in-the-arse we may just decide not to use it.
Also, please don’t claim something is yours when it isn’t.
That’s it for now, let’s go laugh!
Tests of the English Majors
I got 10 out of 12 or 83%. So, what is that, a B? Sheesh!
Attempt to translate these verbose and hyperbolic presentments of catholic usage into more simplistic linguistics for universal comprehension—
1. Scintillate, Scintillate, asteroid exiguous.
2. Members of an avian species of identical plumage congregate.
3. Surveillance should precede salutations.
4. Pulchritude poses possesses solely cutaneous profundity.
5. It is fruitless to become lachrymose over precipitately departed lacteal fluid.
6. Freedom from incrustations of grime is contiguous to rectitude.
7. The stylus is more potent then the claymore.
8. It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with innovative maneuvers.
9. Eschew the implement of correction of vitiate the scion.
10. The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly ogled saucepan does not does reach 212 F’.
11. All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.
12. Where there are visible vapors in ignited carbonaceous material, there is conflagration.
Answers to the English Major Quiz
1. Twinkle, twinkle, little star.
2. Birds of a feather, flock together.
3. Think before you speak.
4. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
5. Don’t cry over spilled milk.
6. Cleanliness is next to godliness.
7. The pen is mightier than the sword.
8. You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.
9. Spare the rod and spoil the child.
10. A watched pot doesn’t boil.
11. All that glitters is not gold.
12. Where there’s smoke, there’s fire.
What an excellent idea!
Truly, you could spend a lot of time here!
1. Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed box
That explains what kind of computer system you need to run the software.
It should look something like this:
2386 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER
628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM
719.7 MB FREE DISK SPACE
3546 MB RAM
432323 MB ROM
05948737 MB RPM
ANTILOCK BRAKING SYSTEM
2 TURTLE DOVES
NOTE: This software will not work on your computer.
2. Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will contain
Detailed instructions on installing, operating, and troubleshooting the
Software. Throw it away.
3. Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a
3.5-inch floppy diskette or a CD-ROM, located inside a sealed envelope that says:
By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to abide by all
The terms and conditions of the following agreement that nobody ever
Reads, as well as the Geneva Convention and the UN Charter and the
Secret Membership Oath of the Benevolent Protective Order of the Elks
And such other terms and conditions, real and imaginary, as the
Software Company shall deem necessary and appropriate, including the
Right to come to the user’s home and examine the user’s hard drive, as
Well as the user’s underwear drawer if we feel like it, take it or
Leave it, until death do us part, one nation indivisible by the dawn’s
Early light,… Finders keepers, losers weepers, …
4. Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say, “(Name of child),
Please install this on my computer.”
5. If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software in the
Appropriate drive, type SETUP” and press the Enter key.
6. Turn the computer on, you idiot.
7. Once again type “SETUP” and press the Enter key.
8. You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a while, after which the
Following message should appear on your screen:
The Installation Program will now examine your system to see what
Would be the best way to render it inoperable. Is it OK with you?
Choose one, and be honest:
| YES | | SURE |
9. After you make your selection, you will hear grinding and whirring for a
Very long time while the installation program does who knows what in there.
Some installation programs can actually alter molecular structures, so that
When they’re done, your computer has been transformed into an entirely new
Device, such as a food processor. At the very least, the installation
Program will create many new directories, sub-directories, and
Sub-sub-directories on your hard drive and fill them with thousands of
Mysterious files with names like “puree.exe,” “fester.dat,” and “doo.wha..”
10. When the installation program is finished, your screen should display
The following message:
The installation program cannot think of anything else to do to your
Computer and has grown bored. You may now attempt to run your software.
If you experience any problems, electrical shocks, insomnia, shortness
Of breath, nasal discharge, or intestinal parasites, you should
11. At this point your computer system should become less functional than the
Federal government, refusing to respond even when struck with furniture.
12. Call the toll-free Tech Support Hotline number listed on the package and
Wait on the line for a representative, who will explain to you, in a clear,
Step-by-step manner, how to adopt a child aged 3 through 12.
New Year’s Cats Singing
Oh good lord, now Stephanie is getting in on the Groaners! Will it never end!
Q. What do you get when you cross a Jehovah’s Witness with an Atheist?
A. Someone who knocks on your door for no apparent reason.
A Great Golf Story
To my golfing friends, Hope you take the time to watch this video and especially this time of year reflect on what we have and what many have given for us.
The next time you carve a tee shot out of bounds, miss a 3 foot birdie putt, chunk your second shot into a water hazard, 3 putt a green, chili-dip a flop shot into a bunker or skull a wedge 20 yards over a green – kind of like my normal round…. I think we might want to take a deep breath and thank God we have what we have.
If you keep watching, it goes through a bunch of them with the same characters:
“When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, “Why, God? Why me?” and the thundering voice
of God answered, “There’s just something about you that pisses me off.”
Why did Bernie Madoff go to prison? To make it simple, he talked people into investing with him. Trouble was, he didn’t invest their money. As time rolled on he simply took the money from the new investors to pay off the old investors. Finally there were too many old investors and not enough money from new investors coming in to keep the payments going.Next thing you know, Madoff is one of the most hated men in America and he is off to jail. Some of you know this, but not enough of you.
Madoff did to his investors what the Congress has been doing to us for over 70 years with Social Security. There is no meaningful difference between the two schemes, except that one was operated by a private individual who is now in jail, and the other is operated by politicians who enjoy perks, privileges and status in spite of their actions..
Safe Hand-starting Procedures for Propeller-driven aircraft
Yep, I guess you also spotted the glaring mistake…
One should never ever prop-start an aircraft without
first chocking the wheels!
I’m sure that was the first thing that caught your eye —
just like it did mine…
Safety First — always!
One of the way cool things in my line of work is the pictures that I get sent and get to deal with. Some of these storms are so fantastic, it’s impossible to imagine the forces and power involved. As many of you know, one of my personal goals in life is to photograph a tornado, my little brother has worked as a storm chaser and I envy him a lot because of that. I will let you guys know if I ever achieve that goal, but in the meantime, I generally carry a camera with me wherever I go since you never know when you are going to see something worth taking a picture of.
Today’s Last Word is from our dear camper friend George. He hits it pretty well on the head here with something that we here at DL Enterprises have been saying for some time now. Please take a minute to read this and think about what is being said:
And so are we, George!