Dragon Laffs

Good Morning Campers!  I hope everyone is well today.  running out of time this morning, so let’s just say good bye and good morning and good laughing!!!!!

Now. let’s get started!  Let’s laugh!

And the specialization is even recognized in heaven….

St Peter is standing at heaven’s gate when a man walks up. “Welcome to heaven, my son. What did you do with your life on earth?”

“I was a policeman,” he responded.

“What kind of policeman?” St Peter asked.

“I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of kids.”

“Wonderful, my son, welcome to heaven. Pass through the gates.”

A few moments later, a second man walks up. “Welcome to heaven, my son. What did you do with your life on earth?”

“I was a policeman,” he responded.

“What kind of policeman?” St Peter asked.

“I was a traffic officer. I kept the roads and highways safe for travelers.”

“Well done. Pass through the gates into Paradise.”

A few moments later a third man walks up. “Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?”

“I was a policeman,” he responded.

“What kind of policeman?” St Peter asked.

“I was a Military Policeman, Sir.”

“Excellent, my son. I’ve gotta go pee, watch the gate while I’m gone, will ya?”

No wonder he spends all his time at the bar…

“Get this,” said one drinker to his friends at the bar.  “Last night while I was here with you guys, a burglar broke into my house.”

“Did he get anything?” his friends asked.

“Yeah… a broken jaw, two teeth knocked out, and a pair of squashed nuts. The wife thought it was me coming home drunk.”

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. “You don’t want to try these techniques at home.”

“Why not?” asked someone from the back of the audience.

“Well, I watched my wife’s routine at breakfast for years,” the expert explained. “She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time.

“Hon,” I suggested, “Why don’t you try carrying several things at once?”

The voice from the back asked, “Did it save time?”

The expert replied, “Actually, yes. It used to take her 20 minutes to get my breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven.”

And even from Diaman…trying to get into Zach’s act:

The barber opened up a shavings account.

Having lived in Indiana now for the past 22 years (4 years longer than I ever lived in New Jersey…where I grew up….then why do I still fell like New Jersey is home?  Odd…) Anyway, having been in Indiana for a while now, this doesn’t really surprise me that much.  It’s a wonder he wasn’t charged with indecent exposure, too.

 

Q: What happens when bananas sunbathe?
A: They start to peel!

 
Q: What did the mime say to the bartender?
A:

The burglar quakes in fear and then freezes to the point that she is able to get to the phone and call 911 for the cops. When the cops arrive, the burglar is still frozen in place. They are very much surprised that a woman alone with no weapon could do this. One of them asked the lady: “How did you do this?”

The woman replied, “I quoted scripture.” The cop turned to the burglar and asked, “What was it about the scripture that had such an effect on you?”

The burglar replied, “Scripture! What scripture? I thought she said she had an ax and two 38’s.”

 

 

Sometimes the very best thing to do with scoundrels and thieves is to expose them for what they are and laugh and poke fun at them.  I’ve often heard of the Nigerian scams before, but never have I been lucky enough to receive one.  Well, my dear camper friends and neighbors, my luck has changed.  The other day I received the following email and I was appalled at how transparent a scam it really was.  “How do people fall for these things,” I said to myself.  “They fall for these,” I answered back, “because some people want to believe, so badly, in the tooth fairy, Santa Claus and James Bond’s good fortune that they easily dispel common sense and allow mindless non-sense to take over.  Their greed over reaches their brain cells.”
”Quite an astute observation, Impish.”
”Why thank you very much for noticing, Impish.”
Anyway, if the mutual admiration society meeting is over can we get back to the letter?
”Yes, Impish.”
”We’re sorry, Impish.”
Okay then.  Here is the letter, in its entirety, with comments thrown in by yours truly….enjoy.

Good Morning Campers!
School has been delayed this morning which means that I have to get to work early (I know, that doesn’t make any sense at all) so that I can take the time off later to come back and put Izzy Dragon on the school bus.  I’ll be so glad when she gets old enough to fly to school on her own.
Anyway, let’s just all lean back and laugh with our dear friend Lethal Leprechaun as we start our Tuesday with a cup of coffee and Dragon Laffs!
Cheers,
Impish Dragon

One morning, a grandmother was surprised to find that her 7-year-old grandson had made her coffee! Smiling, she choked down the worst cup of her life. When she finished, she found three little green Army men at the bottom. Puzzled, she asked, “Honey, what are these Army men doing in my coffee?” Her grandson answered, “Like it says on TV, Grandma. ‘The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.’

I met someone in the elevator who was drinking coffee and complaining about how coffee made him nervous. I said “Why don’t you quit drinking coffee?” He said “Because if I didn’t have the shakes, I wouldn’t get any exercise at all.”

You Know You’re Drinking Too Much Coffee When . . .

You answer the door before people knock.
Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
You ski uphill.
You get a speeding ticket even when you’re parked.
You speed walk in your sleep.
You have a bumper sticker that says: “Coffee drinkers are good in the sack.”
You haven’t blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
You just completed another sweater and you don’t know how to knit.
You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
You sleep with your eyes open.
You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
The only time you’re standing still is during an earthquake.
You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
You lick your coffeepot clean.
You spend every vacation visiting “Maxwell House.”
You’re the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don’t even work there.
You’ve worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
You chew on other people’s fingernails.
The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
Your T-shirt says, “Decaffeinated coffee is the devil’s blend.”
You’re so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
You can type sixty words per minute … with your feet.
You can jump-start your car without cables.
Cocaine is a downer.
All your kids are named “Joe”.
You don’t need a hammer to pound nails.
Your only source of nutrition comes from “Sweet & Low.”
You don’t sweat, you percolate.
You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel.
You’ve worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it’s not plugged in.
You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
You’ve built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
People get dizzy just watching you.
You’ve worn the finish off your coffee table.
The Taster’s Choice couple wants to adopt you.
Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
You’re so wired, you pick up AM radio.
People can test their batteries in your ears.
Your life’s goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
Instant coffee takes too long.
You channel surf faster without a remote.
When someone says. “How are you?”, you say, “Good to the last drop.”
You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life.
Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
You’d be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
You’re offended when people use the word “brew” to mean beer.
You name your cats “Cream” and “Sugar.”
You get drunk just so you can sober up.
You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
Your Thermos is on wheels.
Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
You short out motion detectors.
You have a conniption over spilled milk.
You don’t even wait for the water to boil anymore.
Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
You think being called a “drip” is a compliment.
You don’t tan, you roast.
You don’t get mad, you get steamed.
Your three favorite things in life are…coffee before, coffee during and coffee after.
Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to get you in the mood.
You can’t even remember your second cup.
You help your dog chase its tail.
You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.
You think CPR stands for “Coffee Provides Resuscitation.”
Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

Scroll down to see the Boogie Man’s penis!

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You perverts ! There is no Boogie Man. You just all wanted to see a penis…

How to Avoid Road Rage on the Highway

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs, and one night he’s doing a show in a small town in Arizona . With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes. Suddenly a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:
“I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person’s hair have to do with her
worth as a human being? It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person because
you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general…and all in the name of humor!”
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, “You stay out of this, mister! I’m talking to that little guy on your knee.”

Sure seems like everyone wants their fifteen minutes of groan fame. Here’s one from Bob in Australia:

The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make is taking a stroll down his local town.  As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye:  “Just Released — New LP — Wasps of the World and the sounds that they make — available now!”  Unable to resist the temptation, the man goes into the shop.
“I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make.  I’d very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window.”
“Certainly, sir,” says the young man behind the counter.  “If you’d like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I’ll put the LP on for you.”
The world expert on European wasps goes into the booth and puts on the earphones.  Three minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, “I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I recognized none of those.”
“I’m very sorry, sir,” says the young assistant.  “If you’d care to step into the booth again, I can play you another track.”
The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones.
Three minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head.  “I don’t understand it,” he says, “I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can’t recognize any of those!”
“I’m terribly sorry, sir,” says the young man, “perhaps if you’d like to step into the booth again, you could hear another track.”
Sighing, the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth.  Five minutes later, he comes out again, clearly agitated.  “I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I have recognized none of the wasps on this LP.”
“I really am terribly sorry,” says the young assistant, “I’ve just realized I was playing you the bee side.” —

Ever had one of those day when you are just fed up with getting your ass harassed by your personal dragon? Your personal dragon could be your wife your boss a co-worker, or like me, some weird dude with a blog that THINKS he’s really a dragon. Point is its someone with whom you are forced to do battle on a daily basis for any of a myriad of reasons but  rarely are successful in slaying?

Here’s a little time wasting frustration reliever that’s loads of fun and not too hard. Best of all your progress is savable so when your real life dragon reappears in your personal space for round 473, 281 you won’t lose your progress.

Just click the picture, slurp your coffee and shoot your way to dominance and your well deserved fear and respect.

(Unfortunately no real dragons where hurt, shot, injured, wounded embarrassed,frightened, inconvenienced or vanquished in the making of this game)

Today’s Last Word comes from active contributor Graciemj

ARIZONA RANCHER DEFENDING HIS PROPERTY ORDERED TO PAY $87,000 TO ILLEGAL ALIENS

John G. Winder, The Cypress Times Published 02/09/2011 – 1:27 p.m. CST

Okay, it’s official…NOW I’ve heard it all… and been disgusted by it!

The U.S. Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals has upheld a lower court verdict ordering U.S. citizen and Arizona rancher (property owner) to pay damages of $87,000 for holding a group of illegal aliens at gunpoint back in 2004.  On his own property.  In defense of his own home.

Picture this. You own your own place. Worked hard to get it, but you did it. You’re a rancher in Arizona, or Texas, or New Mexico or any place in the good ol’ USA and then people start coming onto your property without your permission.  We used to call that trespassing.  We used to consider it a big deal.  Like the sovereignty of our nation.

These people come onto your property at a growing rate.  More and more of them day in and day out invade your property.  Then they start vandalizing your property.  They break into your home.  They steal.  They kill your livestock.  You ask authorities for help.  They don’t.

So you start rounding these people up at gunpoint and holding them until law enforcement can arrive. You turn them over to the law.

We used to call that good citizenship.

For 10-years you wage a campaign to turn an ever-growing tide of these same people – which some call undocumented migrants – from traipsing all over your property, killing your livestock, stealing your truck and breaking and entering your home.

Then one day you round up 16 of these “migrants.” You hold them at gunpoint. You have your dog with you and tell these 16 people that if they try to escape, you’ll turn the dog loose on them or shoot them.

We used to call people like this heroes!

Read the rest here:

I’ve had this song running around inside my head all morning long…probably because of the insane morning I’ve had.  Pretty sure it’s the increase in pain meds that are doing it to me, but I spent the entire morning….last 6 hours…in Zombieville.  Now, for those of you who have spent any time there, Zombieville can be a fun place, mostly depending on your mode of transportation of arrival.  Trust me, if you got there the way I did this morning, Zombieville sucks! 
The song is Cathedral by CSN….why that song?  Who knows.  But it’s about dreaming and religion….so, maybe if you were a psychologist, you could make something of it.  (Any head shrinkers out there want to give it a go?  No?  I didn’t think so!  Chicken!  lol)  Anyway, while I try and recover from possibly the worst morning I’ve ever had in my life, why don’t the rest of you get over laughing at me and get on with laughing at the fun!  Let’s Laugh!

Okay, so the first one isn’t really worth laughing over, even though the subject matter is presented in a humorous way.  We should be afraid….very afraid…over what they are doing over there.  And our dear friends that live in that part of the world….and you know who you are …. you need to be especially afraid and think very seriously about MOVING!!!!!!

Why does this sound so friggin’ familiar?
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/da/752.html

Oh?  The Lyrics?  Okay, here you go…

Cathedral

Six o’ clock
In the morning, I feel pretty good
So I dropped into the luxury of the Lords
Fighting dragons and crossing swords
With the people against the hordes
Who came to conquer.
Seven o’clock
In the morning, here it comes
I taste the warning and I am so amazed
I’m here today, seeing things so clear this way
In the car and on my way
To Stonehenge.
I’m flying in Winchester cathedral
Sunlight pouring through the break of day.
Stumbled through the door and into the chamber;
There’s a lady setting flowers on a table covered lace
And a cleaner in the distance finds a cobweb on a face
And a feeling deep inside of me tells me
This can’t be the place
I’m flying in Winchester cathedral.
All religion has to have its day
Expressions on the face of the Saviour
Made me say
I can’t stay.
Open up the gates of the church and let me out of here!
Too many people have lied in the name of Christ
For anyone to heed the call.
So many people have died in the name of Christ
That I can’t believe it all.
And now I’m standing on the grave of a soldier that died in 1799
And the day he died it was a birthday
And I noticed it was mine.
And my head didn’t know just who I was
And I went spinning back in time.
And I am high upon the altar
High upon the altar, high.
I’m flying in Winchester cathedral,
It’s hard enough to drink the wine.
The air inside just hangs in delusion,
But given time,
I’ll be fine.
Crosby, Stills, Nash – Vocals
Graham Nash – Piano
Joe Vitale – Drums, Timpani, Percussion
George Perry – Bass
Mike Lewis, David Crosby, Graham Nash & Joel Bernstein – String Arrangements

 

“There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire
someone, or forbid your kids to do it.”

Okay, so what’s up with this?  Another “not really funny, but truthfully funny”?  What’s up with that?  Okay, move along…nothing to see here, move along.

Microsoft Logic

One of Microsoft’s finest technicians was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.

The technician looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area, “It’s leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!”

A hillbilly was making his first visit to a hospital where his teenage son was about to have an operation.  Watching the doctor’s every move, the man asked, “What’s that?”
       The doctor explained, “This is an anesthetic.  After he gets this he won’t know a thing.”
       “Save your time, Doc,” exclaimed the father.  “He don’t know nothin’ now.”

My long-time boarder was moving out, and I needed an advertisement posted at the local college.  A friend agreed to make one up on her computer and put it on the school’s bulletin board.
        I went out of town for a couple of days.  When I got back, I found a number of *strange messages* on my answering machine.  Deciding I had better check out my ad, I went over to the college. 
       And there it was:  Thanks to a typo, my ad read, “Room and Broad, $400 per month.”

I did not know that….

I did not know that, either…

It just wouldn’t be a complete issue without a Groaner from Zack…

A 10 PM curfew was imposed in Belfast. Everybody had to be off the streets or risk being shot. However one citizen was shot at 9.45 PM.
“Why did you do that?” the soldier was asked by his superior officer.
“I know where he lives,” he replied, “and he wouldn’t have made it.”

OMG, here’s another one….and it’s even worse!

What do you get when you dress a young dog in canvas?
A pup tent.

Ah!  Snuck that one in, didn’t you?

 

Way cool.  Thanks DVL!

A P51 cockpit,  you can scan around and see everything – even the missing
bolt on the floor�. zoom in……zoom out….. move any direction with the mouse.
http://www.stclairphoto-imaging.com/360/P51-Mustang/P51_swf.html

How many of us does she sing about?

An “Oriental Abbott and Costello” Telephone Exchange

Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?
Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.
Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!
Operator: You are talking to someone! Who is this?
Caller: I’m Sum Wan ..And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It’s urgent.
Operator: I know u are someone and u want to talk to anyone! But what’s this urgent matter about?
Caller: Well just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother, Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now,
Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.
Operator: Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital from the accident that isn’t an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious, but I don’t have time for this!
Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?
Operator: I’m Saw Lee.
Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!

St. Patrick’s Day is coming soon!

“I need a raise,” the man said to his boss. “There are three other companies after me.”

“Is that so?” asked the manager. “What other companies are after you?”

“The electric company, the telephone company, and the gas company.”

Brings a whole new meaning to the term “pucker factor”

A fully  loaded Russian IL-76 cargo plane, payload  1  million pounds. This really raises the “holy crap” factor.

Listen to the Australian guys in the tower. Gotta love it.

“The Vodka Burner” as the Aussies call it, literally uses every inch of  runway. This take-off is filmed from the tower.

Turn it up so you can hear the conversation in the tower. They are incredulous that it makes it!

http://www.alexisparkinn.com/photogallery/Videos/2008-2-9-Il76-in-Australia.wmv

 

Southern Ingenuity
        One morning 3 South Georgia good old boys and 3 Yankees were in a ticket line at the Albany train station heading to Athens for a big football game.
        The 3 Northerners each bought a ticket and watched as the 3 Southerners bought just one ticket among them.
        “How are the 3 of you going to travel on one 1 ticket?” asked one of the Yankees.
        “Watch and learn” answered one of the boys from the South.
        When the 6 travelers boarded the train, the 3 Yankees sat down, but the 3 Southerners crammed into a bathroom together and closed the door.
        Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around to collect tickets.
        He knocked on the bathroom door and said, “tickets please..” the door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The Conductor took it and moved on.
        The Yankees saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea.. Indeed, so clever that they decided to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.
        That evening after the game when they got to the Charlotte train station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip while to their astonishment the 3 Southerners didn’t buy even 1 ticket.
        “How are you going to travel without a ticket?” asked one of the perplexed Yankees.
        “Watch and learn”, answered one of the Southern boys.
        When they boarded the train the 3 Northerners crammed themselves into a bathroom and the 3 Southerners crammed themselves into the other bathroom across from it.
        Shortly after the train began to move, one of the Southerners left their bathroom and walked quietly over to the Yankee’s bathroom. He knocked on the door and said “ticket please”.
        There’s just no way on God’s green earth to explain how the Yankees won that war… 

A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine.  He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder into the bartender’s face.

Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders. I can’t tell you how embarrassing it is, to have a compulsion like this.”

Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see an analyst about his problem. “I happen to have the name of a psychoanalyst,” the bartender said. “My brother and my wife have both been treated by him, and they say he’s as good as they get.”

The man wrote down the name of the doctor, thanked the bartender, and left. The bartender smiled, knowing he’d done a good deed for a fellow human being.

Six months later, the man was back.

“Did you do what I suggested?” the bartender asked, while serving a glass of white wine.

“I certainly did,” the man said. “I’ve been seeing the psychoanalyst twice a week.”  He took a sip of the wine. Then he threw the remainder into the bartender’s face.

The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. “The doctor  doesn’t seem to be doing you any good,” he sputtered.

“On the contrary,” the man claimed, “he’s done me a world of good.”

“But you threw the wine in my face again!” the bartender exclaimed.

“Yes,” the man replied, “but it doesn’t embarrass me anymore.”

This little piece came from my Air Force Emergency Management Association…it’s not just EM, but can apply to All people and All jobs.  Do you know someone like this…could this person be YOU?  It’s worth the read…

As you look at the workforce of today there are all sorts of personality types.  Each person has their own way of doing business, relating to others and a work ethic to go with their job.  Maureen Moriarty, Workplace Coach had this list below in a recent column.

1. Don’t play well with others
2. Slacker
3. Be a pain in your boss’s backside
4. Drama queen–or king
5. Bad attitude
6. Difficulty handling change
7. Saying, “It’s not in my job description”
8. Don’t do what you commit to do
9. Talk or post anything negative about your boss or employer
10. Get defensive about feedback

One of the reasons I like watching American Idol is how people’s views of themselves and their talent don’t match-up well with the fact of who they are.  Everyone needs to be “self-aware” of how they act and how people perceive them.  Where folks get in trouble on American Idol and in the workplace is when they look in the mirror of life and don’t see the person that other people see.

Good…er…evening campers.  Yes, it’s night-time for those of you in the United States and associated time zones, and why, you may ask, am I getting this HUGE friggin’ Dragon Laffs in the middle of the night?  Okay, so it’s not really the middle of the night, but it is dark outside and that’s good enough for some of us.
That doesn’t really answer the question as to why…

Well, there are several reasons really…

• I got started and I just couldn’t stop
• It was just so much fun I just kept going
• I wanted to get my pictures and stuff straightened out and the best way to do that was to put them in an issue
• I just couldn’t wait to get to issue #1169 because the thought of having eleven 69’s is just too titillating
• Um… I’m running out of stupid things to say here
• Okay, so this week is going to be a crazy week and I want to get out ahead and give all you wonderful campers something to smile about while I remind you all about contributing to the finest e-zine on the web. (Just click on the donation box towards the bottom of the e-zine or click on this web link: https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_s-xclick&hosted_button_id=P894L2VX896HN )

Okay, so anyway…the truth of the matter is that when I’m in as much pain as I’m in right now, and the pain meds aren’t working, then I have to have something to take my mind off things and if there is anything that is more mind sucking than a Saturday afternoon science fiction B rated, black and white movie, it’s this stuff and you guys.  Thanks for being there, thanks for helping out and now, for your payback….probably the biggest Dragon Laffs issue EVER published….

Let’s Laugh!!!!

Here’s one I just had to show you, since our own dear Leprechaun wrote about this not too long ago…here it is…in cartoon format…

For those of you that had this experience may it bring back fond memories.  To those of you that hadn’t, might make you wish you had.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=3818238173215551629#

I don’t know about any of the rest of it, but it sure would be a hell of a ride!

How limber are you?  Sure as hell not this limber!  I’ll bet I couldn’t have fit in that box, EVER!  Even as a baby I was bigger than that!  Keep watching to the end.  It gets even better. http://www.jokeroo.com/bin/player.swf?5f9f_f369

Here’s an oldie….and one of my absolute favorites…thanks Lucille.  Glad to see you back.

A tom cat and a tabby cat were courting on a back fence at night.
The tom leaned over to the tabby with pent up passion and purred… “I’ll die for you!”
The tabby gazed at him from under lowered eye lids and asked, “How many times?”

One of my favorite pictures of all times…it’s just so cool looking…

A Muslim was sitting next to Lethal Leprechaun on a plane.
Lethal ordered a whisky.
The stewardess asked the Muslim if he’d like a drink.
He replied in disgust “I’d rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!”
Lethal handed his drink back and said  “Me too, I didn’t know we had a choice!”

Lethal calls Jetstar to book a flight.
The operator asks “How many people are flying with you?”
Our Leprechaun replies “I don’t know! It’s your f***ing plane!”

Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.
After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says “I wonder how the girls are getting on”. (I wasn’t going to use Lethal’s name for this one…we are friends, after all.)

Lethal Leprechaun takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.
She undresses, lies on the bed spread-eagled and says “You know what I want, don’t you?”
“Yeah,” says Lethal “The whole feckin’ bed by the looks of it!”

Lethal Leprechaun, the electrician, got sacked from the U…S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair.
He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

Lethal, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head was found on the beach was asked to identify her.
A detective held up the head to which point LL said “I don’t think that’s her, she wasn’t that tall!”

Lethal Leprechaun and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbors’ dog is barking like mad in the garden. LL says “To hell with this!” and storms off.
He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks “What did you do?”
Lethal replies “I’ve put the dog in our garden. Let’s see how they like it!”

 

Lethal Leprechaun is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.
“Be Jeysus!” he said, “I didn’t even know they had mobile phones!”

 

Impish Dragon and Lethal Leprechaun are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.
Impish says “Holy Cow! There’s a guy here who was 152!”
Lethal says “What’s his name?”
Impish replies “Miles, from London !”

A question that is often asked of someone with a new car is “what will it do?”
The answer is usually something like “zero to 60 in 5.3 seconds,” or something along those lines.
Well, here’s the brand new 2011  Ferrari “458 Italia”
First, here’s what it looks like:

And here is what it can do…

13 Funny School Names!
http://www.oddee.com/item_97530.aspx?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+Oddee+%28Oddee%29

A groaner and a blonde joke.  We’re definitely gonna piss somebody off with this one

This blonde was really down on her luck, needed some big time cash quick so she decided that she was going to have to become a kidnapper.
She goes to a playground and grabs a ten year old boy.
Then she writes out the ransom note, saying…
“I’ve kidnapped your son. Place ten thousand dollars in small bills in a paper bag and place it under the slide at the playground by 9 tomorrow morning.”
    ….signed, “The Blonde Kidnapper”
She pins the ransom note to the boy’s shirt and sends him home.
The next morning she shows up at the playground shortly after 9, and sure enough there’s a paper bag under the slide. She opens the bag containing the ten thousand in cash and a note: “How could you do such a thing to another
blonde!?!”

A university professor is lecturing a class, the subject for the day being the mating habits of the alligator. The professor says, “The female alligator lays three million four hundred thousand eggs at one time. The male alligator eats three million, three hundred and ninety-five of those eggs.”
From the back of the room, a student raises his hand and asks, “Sir, why does the male alligator eat all those eggs?”
The professor answers, “Because if he didn’t, we’d be up to our asses in alligators!”

And here ends the photojournal display of bedspreads…We hope you enjoyed them.

 

Late Show With David Letterman

• A new study shows that taxicabs in New York City are harder to find during rush hour. Really?
• Also, barstools are harder to find during happy hour. The study was conducted by the “American Council of Stuff We Already Know.”
• Mayor Bloomberg wants to pass a law to make food carts serve healthier foods. He’s trying to reduce the cholesterol of the rats.

The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson

• Snooki’s first novel has made the New York Times Best Sellers list. The other three horsemen of the apocalypse are riding close behind.
• Snooki spent the day celebrating, drinking champagne and tequila — and then she found out about her book’s success.
• Anne Hathaway has been cast as Catwoman in the next Batman movie. I guess I took all those photos wearing the leather bodysuit for nothing.

Special Thanks to Jeannie for this FANTASTIC site!  If you need something and can’t find it here, you really ain’t looking!

WOW!  What a goldmine of software!

The Best Of: Windows Software

On this page you will find the best 90 free Windows programs for all your needs. We’ve taken the effort to categorize the apps and picked only those we believe to be the best ones and which will most likely be useful to you.

 

http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/6WEH4E/www.makeuseof.com/pages/best-windows-software

And this one could be titled, “You are doin’ it right!”

Little Johnny walked into class every morning with a black eye . After a while his teacher got worried and asked him about it. John’s answer was: “Our house is very small miss. Me, my mother and my father, we sleep On the same bed. Every night my father asks, ‘John, are you sleeping?’ Then I say ‘No’ and then he slaps my face and gives me a Black eye.”
So the teacher says to him, “Tonight when your father asks again, keep dead quiet and don’t answer”. The following morning John comes to school and his eye is fine, so the teacher breathes a sigh of relief. But the day after that John comes back with a severe black eye again. “My goodness John, why the black eye again?” He tells her: “Mam, Dad asked me again, ‘John are you sleeping?… and I shut up and kept dead still. Then my father and my mother started moving{you know} at the same time Mom was breathing erratically, kicking her legs up frantically and squealing like a demented hyena on the bed”… Then my father asks my mother: ‘Are you coming?’ Then my mom says, ‘Yes I’m coming, are you coming too?’ and my dad answered ‘Yes’. They don’t usually go anywhere without me so i said ‘Wait for me……

And here’s a good one from our dear friend, the Old Country Boy

DID YA KNOW OR DO YA CARE?
More people are killed by bee stings than by shark attacks.

One of the coolest stories to come out of World War II…it’s also worth doing some investigating on your own, if you are interested…

 

It’s a story that will forever change the way you think of the phrase, “Get Out of Jail Free.”

(I had to blow the picture up a little and you have to look very close, but you can see the hidden tools and stuff)

---

During World War II, as the number of British airmen held hostage behind enemy lines escalated, the country’s secret service enlisted an unlikely partner in the ongoing war effort: The board game Monopoly.

It was the perfect accomplice.

Included in the items the German army allowed humanitarian groups to distribute in care packages to imprisoned soldiers, the game was too innocent to raise suspicion. But it was the ideal size for a top-secret escape kit that could help spring British POWs from German war camps.

The British secret service conspired with the U.K. manufacturer to stuff a compass, small metal tools, such as files, and, most importantly, a map, into cut-out compartments in the Monopoly board itself.

“It was ingenious,” said Philip Orbanes, author of several books on Monopoly, including “The World’s Most Famous Game and How it Got That Way.” “The Monopoly box was big enough to not only hold the game but hide everything else they needed to get to POWs.”

British historians say it could have helped thousands of captured soldiers escape.

So how did a simple board game end up in a position to help out one of the most powerful military forces on the planet? Silk and serendipity.

Silk Maps Were Key Escape Kit Elements

Of all the tools in a military-grade escape kit, the most critical item was the map. But paper maps proved too fragile and cumbersome, said Debbie Hall, a cataloguer in the map room at the Bodleian Library at the University of Oxford in Oxford, England.

For hundreds of years, even before World War II, silk was the material of choice for military maps, Hall said, because it wouldn’t tear or dissolve in water as easily as paper and was light enough to stuff into a boot or cigarette packet. Unlike maps printed on paper, silk maps also wouldn’t rustle and attract the attention of enemy guards, she said.

“Initially, they had some problems printing on silk,” Hall said. “It’s quite technically challenging.”

But then MI9, the British secret service unit responsible for escape and evasion, found the one British company that had mastered printing on silk: John Waddington Ltd., a printer and board game manufacturer that also happened to be the U.K. licensee for the Parker Bros. game Monopoly.

“Waddingtons in the pre-war era was printing on silk for theater programs. For celebration events for royalty and that kind of thing,” said Victor Watson, 80, who retired as chairman of the company in 1993. “It made a name for itself for being able to print on silk.”

He was just a child during the war but said his father Norman Watson, president of the company at the time, worked with British secret service to embed the maps in Monopoly games.

He said a secret service officer named E.D. Alston (known around Waddington as “Mr. A.”) used to come by to place the orders in person.

“Because he was in the secret service, I never knew who he was,” Watson said.

Maps, Compasses, Tools Hidden in Monopoly Boards

Watson said his father formed a small division of the company that first printed silk and rayon maps for the British military and later embedded escape kits in hundreds of Monopoly games.

Before leaving for missions, British airmen were told that if they were captured, they should look for escape maps and kits in Monopoly boards and other games delivered by charity groups. They were told that “special edition” Monopoly sets would be marked with a red dot on the free parking space.

Watson said that in addition to the concealed compass, tools and maps, real bank notes were hidden under the fake money.

During the war, the Official Secrets Act prevented anyone involved from disclosing the plan, and Watson said his father was concerned that the company could be targeted by the Germans if they were tipped off

“It was very special and very secretive,” Watson said, adding that he didn’t learn about the company’s role helping the military until years later.

Different Maps for Different Regions

Waddington printed six different maps that corresponded with regions surrounding six different German camps, Orbanes said. Monopoly kits bound for a camp in Italy, for example, would include a map of Italy and Italian currency (lira).

To make sure each set reached its destination, the secret service devised another code.

“Each game was pinpointed as to the camp it would go to,” Orbanes said. To innocuously tag each board game, a period was added after different locations on the board.

A period after “Mayfair,” for example, meant that the game was intended for Norway, Sweden and Germany. And a period after Marylebone Station meant it was a game destined for Italy. (It being a British version of game, London streets replaced the Atlantic City streets used in the original American version.)

For more information, here’s another great article from CNN on line.  I know, I know…there are some of you out there who think that you can’t put the words “great article” and “CNN” in the same sentence, that it then becomes an oxymoron, but get over it!  It’s a good article!  lol
http://articles.cnn.com/2007-12-05/living/mf.waropoly_1_allied-pows-monopoly-maps?_s=PM:LIVING

Grr! Arrrgh!  Leprechaun need cauldron of coffee. Had late night working. Morning come too soon with more work. Wicked not get rest. Dragon speak now.

Good Morning Campers!
I had to share this with everyone….right off the bad, Dreamweaver wrote back and called bullshit on my Last Word from Dragon Laffs #1167…and referenced this snopes article: http://www.snopes.com/science/microwave/plants.asp NICE JOB Dreamweaver!  Calling Bullshit on us is a GOOD thing.  ( what’s this US thing Impish? It was totally YOUR issue!) We like it when people disagree with us and find us wrong. (not really that’s more Dragon bullshit, we actually get pretty annoyed with ourselves and feel pretty stupid)  We just don’t like it when they do it meanly or by name calling.  Thanks for straightening us out Dreamweaver.  Maybe we need the golden bullshit ( more like the golden dragon meadow muffin since he is usually the one that doesn’t check before publishing!) award or something….
How about this:

 

It’s Friday.  The day of the week we all look forward to…that is…if you have the weekend off.  If you are in a service industry job, whether it’s police or cook, fireman or waitress, you guys tend to work when the rest of us don’t.  Having been there before and, to a degree, still am, we here at Dragon Laffs Enterprises salute you and your dedication to working while we are playing.  And our military camper friends are working all the time.  So, here’s to you guys!  Thanks for your service!
Now, let’s laugh!

 

It’s Friday once again and here at Dragon Laffs Headquarters recently that’s meant two things, the posting of the weekend edition and Impish at his desk in his ‘Casual Friday’ attire. NOT a pretty sight I assure you. You scoff? Well see for yourself and don’t say I didn’t warn you!!

TOLD YOU it wasn’t pretty! Now if you’ll excuse me while you good folks continue to laugh I’m going to go bleach my eyeballs and pickle my brain in Irish Whiskey in hopes of removing that image from them again this week.

 

 

 

Occasionally even we mythical and fairie folk find ourselves getting hoodwinked by an Urban Legend or incorrectly quoting or misattributing something. It’s bound to happen sooner or later because even us magical creatures are bound by some of the same inconvenient universally constant laws as you mere mortals. Murphy’s Law(s), the Laws of Probability and such things pop immediately to mind.

Now in our defense I have to say as a Leprechaun and a conniving, I mean contriving, I mean ENTERPRISING business man I have to say I know more than a little about the Con Game and making things look so legit that someone doesn’t feel the need to do more than take it at face value and ever I am occasionally impressed by some of the malarkey that crosses my desk.

Apparently such was the occasion yesterday when Impish posted his bit about the evils of microwaving food and drink.

( I had this portion mostly set last night to go before the Dragon decided to try and redeem himself so I didn’t take it out. Personally if you ask me he was afraid of what I was going to say about his shoddy journalism practices)

TLC Promo

 

A woman’s husband comes home hammered every night
and she always yells at him before going to bed alone.
One day she decides to try some reverse psychology.
When her husband staggers in that night, she’s waiting
for him in her best lingerie. She sits him in an armchair
and gives him a backrub.It’s getting late, big boy, she
says after a few minutes. Why don’t we go upstairs to bed.
We might as well, slurs the husband. I’m going to be in
trouble when I get home, anyway.
______________

The couple ahead of me at the swanky hotel desk, were
asking for a room with a king, queen or double bed. The
clerk apologized and said that the only rooms available
had twin beds.Disappointed, the man remarked, “I don’t
know. We’ve been sharing the same bed for 44 years.”
“Could you possibly put them close together?” the wife asked.
Several people nearby smiled, and someone commented,
“How romantic.”Then the woman finished her request with,
“Because if he snores, I want to be able to punch him.”

The great USA where:

1-Where the greatest modern intelligence coups are achieved via Wikileaks.
2-Printing money goes wrong
3-We worship “freedom” and don’t know what it means
4-There is no need for immigration laws
5-We give half of our working class jobs overseas, and don’t say anything about it
6-Where we give other countries billions of dollars in aid annually, while our economy, children and senior citizens suffer.
7-We criticize every president we ever had and every politician, even if they did not do anything!
8-We protest over anything largely because our media does anything BUT report the news truthfully.
9-We are the most divided country in existence and we call ourselves the United States, maybe out of irony

…..and yet we are surprised and indignantly shocked to be laughed at by most of the rest of the world!

FAIRLY certain that violates the “No Torture” aspects of the Geneva convention and opens him to war crimes charges! It sure as HELL isn’t going to do anything positive for our image abroad either!

Graciemj writes us:

Just goes to show you how disgusted America is with what’s-her-name’s performance at the Super Bowl…

Saturday Night Live – National Anthem

http://www.hulu.com/watch/124965/saturday-night-live-national-anthem

 

A man was telling his neighbor, “I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art. It’s perfect.”
“Really,” answered the neighbor. “What kind is it?”
“Twelve thirty.”

==========
PINOCCHIO
 
Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help.
 
Gepetto suggested he try little fine sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.
 
A couple weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, “How’s the girlfriend?”
 
Pinocchio replied, “Who needs a girlfriend?”

Be  alert next Monday.

ALIENS ARE COMING TO EARTH ON MONDAY!

THEIR MISSION IS TO ABDUCT ALL GOOD LOOKING &

PEOPLE.

I JUST EWANTED TO SAY  “GOODBYE”.

DON’T WORRY, IMPISH WILL STILL BE HERE FOR YOU

Seems as though it all comes down to genetic predisposition!

 

 

A golfer playing in  Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer’s ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

‘Arrgh!  What happened?’ the Leprechaun asked.

‘I’m afraid I hit you with my golf ball,’ the golfer says.

‘Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square.  Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?’

‘Thank God, you’re all right!’ the golfer answers in relief. ‘I don’t want anything, I’m just glad you’re OK, and I apologize.’

And the golfer walks off.

‘What a nice guy,’ the Leprechaun says to himself. ‘I have to do something for him.  I’ll give him the  three things I would want… a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.’

A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

‘Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,’ the little guy says. ‘I just want to ask ye, how’s yer golf game?’

‘My game is fantastic!’ the golfer answers. I’m an internationally famous golfer now.’ He adds, ‘By the way, it’s good to see you’re all right.’

‘Oh, I’m fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know.  And tell me, how’s yer money situation?’

‘Why, it’s just wonderful!’ the golfer states.. ‘When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn’t even know were there!’

‘I did that fer ye also.’ And tell me, how’s yer sex life?’

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, ‘It’s  OK.’

C’mon, c’mon now,’ urged the Leprechaun, ‘I’m wanting to know if I did a good job.  How many times a week?’

Blushing  even more, the golfer looks around then whispers,  ‘Once, sometimes twice a week.’

‘What??’ responds the Leprechaun in shock. ‘That’s all? Only once or twice a week?’

‘Well,’ says the golfer, ‘I figure that’s not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.’

======

A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, ‘If I had all the beer in the  world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.’
With even greater emphasis he said, ‘And if I had All the wine in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.’
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he Said, ‘And if I had all the whiskey  in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.’
Sermon complete, he sat down..
The song leader stood very cautiously  and announced With a smile, nearly laughing, ‘For our closing song, Let us sing Hymn #365, ‘Shall We Gather at the River.

You all can sing, me I’m heading down to the river to drown me sorrows!

Such understated eloquence! Kind of brings tears to your eyes too doesn’t it? Sort of a new variation on the old “I come in peace, accept it or I’ll leave you in pieces.” nuclear shock and awe speech from the good old Cold War days!